Reviews of Fire on a Chain (Heavily Revised) 12

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  Review.
  A review of Fire on a Chain (Heavily Revised)
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 03/11/2007
  The young prostitute really needs a name, especially given the prominence she’s given in the script. She’s in over eleven consecutive pages. On top of that, it all seems rather random – not just their meeting, but their behavior. What’s it guided by? Why the breakdown at the kindness? Why the return into the restaurant? Why the attempt to strip in front of the patrons? Why... The young prostitute really needs a name, especially given the prominence she’s given in the script. She’s in over eleven consecutive pages. On top of that, it all seems rather random – not just their meeting, but their behavior. What’s it guided by? Why the breakdown at the kindness? Why the return into the restaurant? Why the attempt to strip in front of the patrons? Why his unqualified kindness? Why his patience? There are a lot of questions here, but not really any answers. If she made such a scene (and appears sixteen as stated) in front of a restaurant full of people, would he be able to keep things quiet by paying off one waiter with a Rolex?
  
  The problem with Lawrence’s “redemption” at the end is that it’s entirely external, that is, not redemption at all. He doesn’t want to go back, he really doesn’t care about anyone, and he only goes back because Fire Girl wants him to. The implication seems to be that he’s learned nothing. And throughout he’s a pretty terrible guy – who cares that he bought a young prostitute dinner rather than have sex with her – he’s awful to his wife and kids, self-centered and selfish – the occasional gesture to a stranger doesn’t make up for the oppression he brings down on others. So, why him? Why does Fire Girl choose him? Of all the people in the world that lead terrible lives, why should the embittered guy who has everything get the chance?
  
  For a very long time I also assumed that Andrew’s character was paranormal in nature. He plays golf at night, totally disrespects Lawrence’s schedule, acts smug about it, never changes, etc… But Fire Girl makes direct reference to him at the end, “an old man in need of a friend,” which made me doubt this assessment. I’m not quite sure what the deal with Andrew is.
  
  This script is a character study, so it feels rather plodding (as character studies usually do), but I think something that’s really hurting it right now is that we spend a whole lot of time with Lawrence (and on the overall he’s a pretty unlikable guy), but the other characters are developed very little. Outside of Lawrence, the character that gets the best treatment is probably Andrew, and by the end he’s still a mystery. If Lawrence is to be redeemed, we need to see more of him with his wife and children, how his behavior changes over time, and how they change in turn. Pretty close to the end, Lawrence throws all the material goods he’s given his wife in place of love in her face, she leaves with the kids, he has his little breakdown, then he golfs with Andrew and dies. After dying, he just wants to be with Fire Girl (whom he loves – why?), but is talked into going back, because he really doesn’t want to. So the main character is unlikable, and the supporting characters need to be fleshed out more. We see Lawrence using a prostitute, visiting a casino, getting drunk, buying a Rolex, etc. We need to see more good in him.
  
  I usually make a lot of notes on grammar/misspellings/format/omission mistakes while I review, but that wasn’t really a problem with this script. There are some errors, but it’s nothing you won’t be able to account for with a close re-read.
  
  If you have any questions, please let me know. read
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  Tiny Dancer
  A review of Fire on a Chain (Heavily Revised)
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 02/28/2007
  This writer gave SAPNA'S GIFT an enthusiastic review, and when I started reading FIRE, I knew why. We're both treading water in similar moonlight. Any writer that attempts to put a warm but non-pandering metaphysical spin on death has my respect. In the author's review, he asked me to relax on three act structure and just tell a story. My problem is that I know the less... This writer gave SAPNA'S GIFT an enthusiastic review, and when I started reading FIRE, I knew why. We're both treading water in similar moonlight. Any writer that attempts to put a warm but non-pandering metaphysical spin on death has my respect.
  
  In the author's review, he asked me to relax on three act structure and just tell a story. My problem is that I know the less structure one has, the story can start to drag, no matter who well written and poetic. FIRE ON A CHAIN is remarkably well written, with poetic visuals, but it lacks that dreaded structure thing.
  
  I mean, yes, it's there, but so faintly it almost doesn't matter. I'd ask the author to take it up a notch just the same. Put Lawrence on a specific quest for a physical object that arcs across the entire story. A ring. A book. A bottle of pills. Anything, so that we readers have a carrot on the end of a stick, as it were.
  
  Still, despite this missing carrot, I enjoyed the piece just the same. I applaud the author for using imagery more than dialogue to advance the story. We writers must remember film is a visual medium (present company included), and Nathan delivers some eye candy for a perspective director. Some of the images are a bit cliche (the young prostitute with a heart of gold, the stars and moonlight), but other ideas are fresh and vivid. For instance, that girl spinning her fireballs. A little Freudian, sure, but I've never had a problem with Freud.
  
  My biggest complaint about the piece was that it was a little too loosey goosy, dreamy-weamy. We are asked to care about his estranged wife and kids, but much too late into what is an 70 page extended dream sequence. Personally, I'd ground the story inside a hospital, where Lawrence sneaks out at night in moments we presume are dementia but can't be sure. Without grounding us in a location of reality, anything can happen and thus the tension decreases. For instance, the pirannas didn't scare me, since we weren't in reality.
  
  But Nathan, you and I are on the same wavelength. My first screenplay ever (sort of SAPNA'S super rough draft) was much like this piece. And for some reason, golf was a part of the mix as well. I had folks golfing out on a desert with no holes, and this was meant as an analogy to life - LOL.
  
  Anyway, I think FIRE ON A CHAIN is a good start. I know, it seems weird to apply a reality based quest on a muse such as this, but trust me, it will offer contrast and make for a tighter script.
  
  Best of luck,
  
  Ted read
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  Good, not great
  A review of Fire on a Chain (Heavily Revised)
  by aVariousSire on 01/15/2007
  First, I'd like to say that this script wasn't my cup of tea, but I left an open mind to the "Fire Girl" concept. I liked "Till death us do part". Didn't get the purpose of the old golf player, Andrew. Some parts were corny; the farm lady sicking her dog on Lawrence. The prostitute almost flashing the patrons of the diner? Dig the car crash, well written. Piranha might be... First, I'd like to say that this script wasn't my cup of tea, but I left an open mind to the "Fire Girl" concept.
  I liked "Till death us do part". Didn't get the purpose of the old golf player, Andrew. Some parts were corny; the farm lady sicking her dog on Lawrence. The prostitute almost flashing the patrons of the diner? Dig the car crash, well written. Piranha might be a little bit too much... Good imagery - 'christ hangs crucified in colored glass'
  You have good, realistic dialogue. Some minor critiques; you sometimes extend or over exaggerate your action sections. It can get kind of confusing when you get too swept up in your imagery And dude, lay off the thesaurus. read
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  Fire on a Chain
  A review of Fire on a Chain (Heavily Revised)
  by boypablo on 12/12/2006
  Note: no page numbers were printed on my copy. I'm assuming the writer is not American so I'm not going to get into much of the spelling and semantics issues. The plot conceived is a good one, however, the protagonist in this story needs much more conflict to pull it off. In the opening, Lawrence needs to come off as a total schmuck and we need to see him that way - what...
  
  Note: no page numbers were printed on my copy.
  
  I'm assuming the writer is not American so I'm not going to get into much of the spelling and semantics issues.
  
  The plot conceived is a good one, however, the protagonist in this story needs much more conflict to pull it off.
  
  In the opening, Lawrence needs to come off as a total schmuck and we need to see him that way - what we do see is a man that has just been informed he's going to die in a couple months - therefore one has compassion for Lawrence from the get go. This is a hard place to commence the character arc desired because we already feel too much for him.
  
  When Diane is introduced I felt that she was an insensitive bitch and most probably responsible for much of Lawrence's unhappy life - when if fact, the opposite is later implied.
  
  The first ten pages of the screenplay should show Lawrence as the asshole that he's supposed to be. Then the brain tumor can be introduced and start him on his way towards redemption.
  
  The introduction of the Fire Girl is not done well - I found it difficult to put mental images together from the writer's descriptions.
  ...her voice tinkling... - what is she saying?
  ...scatters orange in a field... - orange what?
  Really the whole intro of FG should be re-writen with heavy detail to give the reader a real picture of what is happening here.
  
  Lawrence's drunken silhouette... - up till this point there was not indication L was drunk - make this clear earlier - description.
  
  Really zero emotion by either character when L tells D that he's got a grade four Glioma tumour - it's like he told her had a soar throat. Even if she hate's the guy by now, she would react differently.
  
  L's got a couple months to live and he's talking business with Blonde and Black? And he wants additional material where he'll probably be dead before they can get it to him. If you keep this, move to into the beginning to the asshole Lawrence opening. We have to detest this guy to make his awakening work.
  
  Even Stuart is too casual about L's impending death.
  
  Diane is just too cold to L throughout the screenplay. ( I'm going through the SP page by page reading my notes)
  
  Glove compartment - thought you'd call it a glove box.
  
  What is a windscreen? If it's a windshield then you use both in this project - even on the same page.
  
  The Reflection of the windscreen on the card... - I don't understand this whole paragraph.
  
  Does Fire Girl always have her fireballs with her? More detail/description.
  
  The Prostitute says " You're a freak." - this seems to come out of the blue - set it up better.
  
  Lawrence tries to "prize" the lid off. - is this correct? even in your country.
  
  The whole water-other people-piranha thing seems to take too long and it's hard to follow - do they have piranha in England? Don't think so. Does this imply what death is - being eaten by piranha? perhaps it's just over my head.
  
  A distant voice answers back...- what does it say?
  
  Lawrence catches a glimpse of it in Andrew's lap - you forgot the 's with Andrew
  
  I believe that "knave" is spelled "nave" in all cultures of english.
  
  Tears cascade from her eyes. - a bit dramatic for what's taken place here.
  
  white golf ball - aren't they all white? is it necessary to describe the color.
  
  ...destroyed car window. - destroyed car's window.
  
  Rethink how you start the story and L's character, i.e. bad guy.
  Rethink the "in the water sequence" - long, unclear and draining.
  Rethink how a guy would rather go back to his bad relationship when he's got an 18 year old beauty that's all his - I'd stay with Fire Girl personally - even if it is on the weird and surreal end of the spectrum. But that's just me. read
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  “Fire on a Chain” review
  A review of Fire on a Chain (Heavily Revised)
  by Janizzary on 12/11/2006
  “Fire on a Chain” is an interesting story of Lawrence Marchmont, a 35 year old man who we discover at the beginning of the script has just been diagnosed with an aggressive brain tumor. Early on in the script, Lawrence comes across a mysterious angelic waif who wields two chains with fireballs at the ends. Throughout the rest of the story, he tries to find out who the waif... “Fire on a Chain” is an interesting story of Lawrence Marchmont, a 35 year old man who we discover at the beginning of the script has just been diagnosed with an aggressive brain tumor. Early on in the script, Lawrence comes across a mysterious angelic waif who wields two chains with fireballs at the ends. Throughout the rest of the story, he tries to find out who the waif is. The supporting cast in the script includes Diane, Lawrence’s long suffering wife, Stuart, Lawrence’s faithless doctor and Andrew, a strange old golfer who Lawrence runs into.
  
  The writing in Fire on a Chain is nearly flawless. It is clean, well structured, and creates a clear picture of the English countryside & suburbs. The character of Lawrence is also fleshed out pretty well, but the supporting cast needs some work.
  
  The main problem with the script, however, is that it doesn’t offer anything particularly new. Although there are some well written “trippy” scenes when Lawrence fades into unconsciousness, there are no enlightening ideas or points of view about life and death that the story proposes. Even the outcome of the story doesn’t really satisfy. When Lawrence discovers who the “Fire Girl” is, the reader will most likely have figured that out much earlier.
  
  Overall, I encourage the author to continue writing. His skills are quite impressive on many different levels. I think, however, that he may need to work on what to write about. He needs to also focus on what kind of script will sell. read
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  Chained Fire?
  A review of Fire on a Chain (Heavily Revised)
  by TCare on 12/10/2006
  I'm not sure where to start with this review... Although the possibility of an an interesting story kept me reading, by the end I was left with a very unsatisfied feeling. Let's just get the tiny details out of the way. Spelling, grammar, and style throughought the entire screenplay need a polish. If you don't already have an editor you trust then I feel it impertive... I'm not sure where to start with this review...
  
  Although the possibility of an an interesting story kept me reading, by the end I was left with a very unsatisfied feeling.
  
  Let's just get the tiny details out of the way. Spelling, grammar, and style throughought the entire screenplay need a polish. If you don't already have an editor you trust then I feel it impertive that you find one.
  
  Now in regards to your story -
  
  I felt that a clearer picture of who Lawrence was before his diagnosis is required. Yes he's rich and powerful - but why? Yes he's spent his life putting his family at the bottom of the list - but why? This story felt like it was supposed to be a redemption piece, but... by taking his kids for ice cream and being kind to a crazy, old man - as well as being told by the Fire Lady that there is a world of people that need his love... is not enough for me to get behind the supposed change in our character. What was the deal with the sixteen-year-old prostitute? Again I felt it was a thin attempt at making us like Lawrence.
  
  I think that part of the problem is that even though this story preports to be a classic archetype - i.e. the following of a single hero on his journey towards self-discovery, it's missing some of the necessary beats.
  
  1. Hook.
  2. Inciting Incident.
  3. First Act Climax.
  4. Midpoint.
  5. Lowest Point.
  6. Second Act Climax.
  7. Final Battle.
  8. New Equilibrium.
  
  Might I suggest that if you have not already had a chance to study ROBERT McKEE'S - STORY then you should. I believe that this book will help you to dig and flesh out the potentially poignant life story that you are trying to create.
  
  Hope this has been contructive and useful. One last thing - alchol abuse and a cancerian death sentence are not enough for one to pity a cold, distant father. Do you have children? The late introduction of Lawrence's children is another element that requires some thought. The whole family dynamic should be clearly cemented in the audience's mind no later than ten to fifteen minutes into your story. That said - opgions are like assholes... everyone's got one. I'm curious to read what other's have said.
  
  Cheers and good luck. read
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  Interesting
  A review of Fire on a Chain (Heavily Revised)
  by smoth on 12/08/2006
  I found this screenplay intriguing but not exciting. There were many elements I liked but a few things I am unsure about. The formatting and structure were superb, with very little typo errors which is a good thing as it shows that you have taken time over your piece of work. I kept waiting for something exciting to happen though. I was thinking that Andrew is maybe a hallucination... I found this screenplay intriguing but not exciting. There were many elements I liked but a few things I am unsure about. The formatting and structure were superb, with very little typo errors which is a good thing as it shows that you have taken time over your piece of work.
  
  I kept waiting for something exciting to happen though. I was thinking that Andrew is maybe a hallucination that will lead to something interesting, but he turned out to be just a crazy old man playing golf in Lawrence's garden. I liked his character, he brought many good points to the screenplay, but his role seemed insufficient.
  
  As for Lawrence, I feel that he is not a great protagonist. His terrible relationship with his family caused me to question how things had got so bad. There was no explanation so I am forced to think that he is what he seems; a nasty man who doesn't even seem to care about his kids. Sure, relationships can deteriorate between husband and wife but it seems like he doesn't even care about his children (until the duck scene of course). So, as a consequence of this I found it difficult to empathise with the main character and this is never a good thing.
  I liked the dark water scenes and the idea that this is where people go when they are struggling for life. I liked Stuart's character but felt we should see more of him.
  Overall i feel that this story fails to grasp the reader's full atention and keep him/her on the edge of their seat. It is mediocre, an average script that has the potential to be good if spiced up. The ending seemed rushed, I would have prefered him to leave than return with his medical problems cured. Maybe you want the reader to think "Hey, he's a loveable rogue who now has a second chance and will return a great man". Im not so sure I feel this way.
  
  Give us more faith in his character and give us more excitement!!!
  
  Good luck! read
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  Fire on a Chain
  A review of Fire on a Chain (Heavily Revised)
  by Aliza Beth Zibkoff on 12/05/2006
  A very interesting script touching on redemption and renewal. The only real flaw I see is in the main character Lawrence. His flaw is that he is selfish which makes him unlikable. The script tries to works to chip away at his aggressive egotism to change him into the person that we all cheer for; the triumphant hero that vanquishes his flawed outlook. However for some reason... A very interesting script touching on redemption and renewal. The only real flaw I see is in the main character Lawrence. His flaw is that he is selfish which makes him unlikable. The script tries to works to chip away at his aggressive egotism to change him into the person that we all cheer for; the triumphant hero that vanquishes his flawed outlook. However for some reason his gesture seem hollow. This is perhaps because the aren’t link to any real situation but only on flashbacks of HIS own memories or things he sees in passing like the father-daughter poster. All these things are egoistical in nature because they are thing that only HE perceives. If for example he would react to actually seeing his wife or children cry instead of HIS memory of the occasion it would serve to draw him out of his selfish shell and to go beyond his own perception. To actually feel sympathy for the people and not just of HIS perception of them (from memories and the like.) This way the supporting characters become real as they tell Lawrence the pain he has caused them. I think this would serve to make Lawrence more sympathetic. Aside from this the images used are quite striking and visually interesting. Good Luck. read
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  unchained melody
  A review of Fire on a Chain (Heavily Revised)
  by bthielke on 12/05/2006
  Lordy, lordy, lordy. Nathan, you teed up and hit this out of the Park! Great job. This is the best existential sp i've read for a long, long time. Meaningful, thoughtful, with a strong ending. Concept- A fantastic examination of a man's conscience as he looks back on what he didn't do with his life. Dialogue- fantastic. occasionally you were a little too preachy or... Lordy, lordy, lordy. Nathan, you teed up and hit this out of the Park! Great job. This is the best existential sp i've read for a long, long time. Meaningful, thoughtful, with a strong ending.
  
  Concept- A fantastic examination of a man's conscience as he looks back on what he didn't do with his life.
  
  Dialogue- fantastic. occasionally you were a little too preachy or on the nose when you had characters discuss matters of life.
  
  Characters- I would have liked to see a little more to show a good edge to Lawrence before his quest for wealth spoiled him. I'd also like you to put diane in a slightly better light, she seemed very hateful. Clearly there was a reason, but we only got to see the angry side of her. Can you show a little bit about what they had before Lawrence lost his way?
  
  Story- Beautiful, nothing else to say.
  
  Structure- I'd really consider holding off showing the fire girl till page 25 and making that the end of act 1. Maybe you show Lawrence more strongly consider suicide earlier, and I'd also show the transition of his relationship with Diane early. I'd cut some of the puking scenes, they're repetitive and don't do much more than show how pitiful he is. Which you've done nicely elsewhere.
  
  Overall- This gets a soft recommend from me, but I still think you could do some things to move this from good to great. I have just one note below.
  
  pg 4- I'd skip the VO, we know what he's planning to do. read
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  Interesting title but doesn't relate to the subject too well.
  A review of Fire on a Chain (Heavily Revised)
  by Curmudgeon on 12/04/2006
  I vaguely remember reading an earlier version of this script and find this one much improved. The author is talented and moves his story well. The character of Andrew is particularly engaging but the wife and children feel almost like cutouts. Lawrence's mind trips are intriguing and pull the reader well and, the Fire Girl is equally compelling. This being said... The reader... I vaguely remember reading an earlier version of this script and find this one much improved. The author is talented and moves his story well. The character of Andrew is particularly engaging but the wife and children feel almost like cutouts. Lawrence's mind trips are intriguing and pull the reader well and, the Fire Girl is equally compelling. This being said...
  The reader is left pondering just what Lawrence has done that would cause her to have any interest in such an arrogant and selfish man.
  
  With Scrooge in Christmas Story we have a truly unlikable character but through the machinations of the Spirits we're introduced to how he came to be and can understand his ultimate redemption. Lawrence, while admittedly not quite as despicable, certainly shows us nothing to make us care about his imminent death. Beyond that, aside from the short time with the children and his friendship with Andrew, there is nothing that warrents all the fuss about his demise.
  
  This is a promising screenplay by a talented author but I feel more tweaking of Lawrence is needed. The script barely makes the minimum page requirements and leaves plenty of room to show us why such a bastard would attract the attentions of beautiful young maidens or deserve a second chance with a great family.
  
  There's a good script in here somewhere. Keep at it. Good luck read