Reviews of Forlorn HOPE 11

• 
  Interesting concept, yet slow moving script.
  A review of Forlorn HOPE
  by omegaconquest on 07/16/2003
  This script opens with a bang with gruesome images of cannabalism. The story however, takes too long to get going and the shifting of time and place makes the plot difficult to follow at times. To the author's credit the action and description lines paint vivid pictures, yet it's written in a verbose style probably better suited to a novel rather than a screenplay. The screenplay... This script opens with a bang with gruesome images of cannabalism. The story however, takes too long to get going and the shifting of time and place makes the plot difficult to follow at times. To the author's credit the action and description lines paint vivid pictures, yet it's written in a verbose style probably better suited to a novel rather than a screenplay. The screenplay feels about fifteen pages too long due to overwriting. Still it's a compelling story and the author might consider writing the novel where it could shine in all it's richness. read
• 
  Grisly story
  A review of Forlorn HOPE
  by olddude on 07/13/2003
  This story is well written and the teeling of it through most the Diary of Tamzene is a good device. But there has already been at least one film of the the Donner Party and I am not sure there needs to be another one, however well told. One question I would ask myself when I read a script is, would I go see the movie and in this case the answer is no. It is graphic and... This story is well written and the teeling of it through most the Diary of Tamzene is a good device. But there has already been at least one film of the the Donner Party and I am not sure there needs to be another one, however well told. One question I would ask myself when I read a script is, would I go see the movie and in this case the answer is no. It is graphic and horrifying but humanized greatly by the character of Tamzene, and the inserts at the end to put it in perspective. But all in al the story is not something I would like to see and I don't think it could be done without the graphics needed. You're a good storyteller but it is a subject I would rather not read about or see on the screen. read
• 
  Needs a red line
  A review of Forlorn HOPE
  by dnor on 04/29/2003
  What do I mean with red line? Well, your scenes are well written, but nothing binds them together. There is no float from one scene to the other. Each time there is a cut to a new scene, I have to figure out where I am. Your characters are good (too many though), but the dialog is a bit too much sometimes. Do not waste time on things that do not need to be said. The scene at... What do I mean with red line? Well, your scenes are well written, but nothing binds them together. There is no float from one scene to the other. Each time there is a cut to a new scene, I have to figure out where I am. Your characters are good (too many though), but the dialog is a bit too much sometimes. Do not waste time on things that do not need to be said. The scene at start gives a rush that is not followed up until much later. When the movie start like that the viewer will sit and wait upon the time it is explained, and have quite boring in the meantime, I am affraid. Skip the first scene, and let it come a piece at a time. Make a rewite and I think you have got a thrilling story. read
• 
  Shorten and Change Narrative Style
  A review of Forlorn HOPE
  by mdrnphil on 04/27/2003
  This story is an ambitious effort, but I think it is too long and needs to be told in a different style. The use of flashbacks is a mistake. Why not just set the story in 1846? You could still use Tamzene's diary for VO narration and to allow jumps in time, and telling the story in this style will cut down on the page count.I was confused by the early scenes. Was it really... This story is an ambitious effort, but I think it is too long and needs to be told in a different style. The use of flashbacks is a mistake. Why not just set the story in 1846? You could still use Tamzene's diary for VO narration and to allow jumps in time, and telling the story in this style will cut down on the page count.

  I was confused by the early scenes. Was it really necessary to show Eliza and her husband with President Hayes in the White House? I'd just cut that, and jump into the story. Again, I think the story is too long.

  There are some pretty grisly scenes here. Definite shock value, but I think they distract from the overall story. Keseberg is one very scary man. Tamzene could be a fine protag, but right now, she shares too much screen time with 1875 Mary and Eliza (another argument for just telling the story in 1846).

  On page 51, author uses screen direction to tell us what Charles is thinking. You can't do that in a screenplay.

  The story drags and I was unclear as to the central conflict. Who's story is it? I'll give this a Consider, but only if my studio has a cable network. This is better suited for the small screen. Punch it up a little. Good luck. read

• 
  Not For Weak Stomachs
  A review of Forlorn HOPE
  by LIMAMA on 04/26/2003
  The Donner Party story has been told before, with degrees of varying success. I don't know how factual this script is. While the script is well written and researched, the sheer number of characters is overwhelming, and due to that, I did not make a connection or even felt that I had gotten to know the characters in much depth. This, along with the sheer brutality and savageness... The Donner Party story has been told before, with degrees of varying success. I don't know how factual this script is. While the script is well written and researched, the sheer number of characters is overwhelming, and due to that, I did not make a connection or even felt that I had gotten to know the characters in much depth. This, along with the sheer brutality and savageness of man's actions when faced with desperate times, made it a tough read. Based on the logline/synop, I can't say that the script delivers on its ultimate promise. The set-up is interminable, and the climax is equally hard to stick with. I honestly don't see how this sp would transfer on screen, unless you went for the sheer shock value of it, which I don't think is the writer's ultimate goal. I could easily see it as a mini series for AE, History or the Discovery Channel. Good luck. read
• 
  Ready for Prime Time
  A review of Forlorn HOPE
  by ampilot on 04/23/2003
  Well-researched, well-written. You have yourself a piece suited for a reputable cable network - and this is not a slight. Rather, historical films seem to fare better on the small screen nowadays and I can definitely see this one going that direction. Compelling subject matter and good characterizations. Needs trimming here and there; occasionally the flashbacks and back and... Well-researched, well-written. You have yourself a piece suited for a reputable cable network - and this is not a slight. Rather, historical films seem to fare better on the small screen nowadays and I can definitely see this one going that direction. Compelling subject matter and good characterizations. Needs trimming here and there; occasionally the flashbacks and back and forth narratives can be confusing, but perhaps only on paper and because the story is susbstantive. Good job. read
• 
  Great Story; Not An Easy Read
  A review of Forlorn HOPE
  by JimDooley on 04/21/2003
  I thought this was a remarkable screenplay. The details are effectively used to set the tone and recreate the past for us. The opening scene builds a great deal of anticipation about what it will be like to relive this event. I especially liked the creation of "larger than life" characters which made it easy to remember who was who. This was not an easy read, though...not... I thought this was a remarkable screenplay. The details are effectively used to set the tone and recreate the past for us. The opening scene builds a great deal of anticipation about what it will be like to relive this event. I especially liked the creation of "larger than life" characters which made it easy to remember who was who. This was not an easy read, though...not from the aspect of writing style, but in the brutal depiction of the subject matter. It seemed so honest, and that made me need to take a break from the story before returning to it. It reminded me of a screenplay I read about survivors of the Black Death...masterfully written, yet emotionally draining. My one suggestion for consideration would be to find the diary much earlier in the story; perhaps even making its known contents the reason for going there. It would make Mary's returning especially more understandable as the journalist asks his travellers to fill in the gaps. A difficult story that is well handled. read
• 
  Donner, party of 88
  A review of Forlorn HOPE
  by stuiec on 04/20/2003
  Interesting way to look at the Donner Party - through the device of the hunt for Tamzene Donner's diary. Introducing Mary Graves lets you fill in the action that would not have been visible from Tanzene's POV - especially the Forlorn Hope expedition itself, since Tanzene stayed behind. The pregnancy is an interesting plot device to make Mary's situation more dramatic. Your... Interesting way to look at the Donner Party - through the device of the hunt for Tamzene Donner's diary. Introducing Mary Graves lets you fill in the action that would not have been visible from Tanzene's POV - especially the Forlorn Hope expedition itself, since Tanzene stayed behind. The pregnancy is an interesting plot device to make Mary's situation more dramatic. Your Keseberg is over the top, like Colqhoun in RAVENOUS - not historically accurate, perhaps, but a scary villain anyway. In real life, Noah survived.The dialogue is good for the period. I liked Eliza's habit of constantly eating. The journalist isn't as strong a character as either woman. "I could just eat you kids up" - ewww! Typos: need to breath; I think you'd best use African-Americans for negros (which is Negroes, BTW). "Where we were to meet up" - implies meeting in California. CHARELS in one spot. Hasting’s or Hastings's? The reference to "striking out a fourth time" is an anachronism - baseball was too new in 1847 for that. "flowing day" - following? Starvation is better than "inanition." "rigourmortoused" - rigor mortis (stiff is better). The phonetic spelling of the German looks odd - just write the German.Creepy and inspiring - great! read
• 
  EXCITING STUFF
  A review of Forlorn HOPE
  by AndyGroo on 04/19/2003
  I once had to write a paper on the Donner party, so I was immediately intrigued by this. I love historical fiction, and you've done a great job of taking this real life event and crafting a very interesting and complex story out of it. I know I'm supposed to be constructive here, but this was such an easy and enthralling read, I actually had to look at some other reviews to... I once had to write a paper on the Donner party, so I was immediately intrigued by this. I love historical fiction, and you've done a great job of taking this real life event and crafting a very interesting and complex story out of it. I know I'm supposed to be constructive here, but this was such an easy and enthralling read, I actually had to look at some other reviews to see if anybody else found anything wrong with it, and I compared my notes that I took with others. One person said something about the flashbacks, and in most cases, I don't like them, unless they are ABSOLUTELY necessary. In Forlorn Hope, they are necessary, and they truly do drive the story and the relationships along. You've captured the true horror of these events by showing the reader how it affects the people involved, and not with gratuitous violence and physical terror. Terrific job, can't say it enough. read
• 
  Tough sell
  A review of Forlorn HOPE
  by trott54 on 04/04/2003
  I really liked this story but I'm not sure the general public would want to see it on the big screen.It's hard to imagine mutilated children being eaten by a lunatic in an excretement filled cabin as he plays soccer with a decapitated head going over well.I think you would either have to make this into a horror movie or cut the explicit gory scenes back maybe have them retold... I really liked this story but I'm not sure the general public would want to see it on the big screen.It's hard to imagine mutilated children being eaten by a lunatic in an excretement filled cabin as he plays soccer with a decapitated head going over well.I think you would either have to make this into a horror movie or cut the explicit gory scenes back maybe have them retold with scenes that imply the gore without actually showing it.In a script this good it is more of a distraction when spelling and format are off .There were only a few spots but spell check would have caught them.Overall a compelling story worth telling.I for one would like to see how those people managed to make fires on top of tons of snow.Good luck with this. read