Reviews of Fraternal Twins - 2nd Draft 8

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  Light and racy
  A review of Fraternal Twins - 2nd Draft
  by padnar on 12/19/2009
  I am Padma Narayanaswamy an Indian writer. So excuse my English. It is not like a native writer.It is a nice helluva story . I like it . It is quite racy Both your main characters Tommy and Robert are both good and bad .Sincere love like Sarah always go for the good one and this is clear when Sarah choses Robert for Tony . However in your synopsis you have written it is... I am Padma Narayanaswamy an Indian writer. So excuse my English. It is not like a native writer.It is a nice helluva story . I like it . It is quite racy
  Both your main characters Tommy and Robert are both good and bad .Sincere love like Sarah always go for the good one and this is clear when Sarah choses Robert for Tony .
  However in your synopsis you have written it is a comedy . I was expecting like Mr Beans .
  I also think there is no strong storyline.
  Also there is no strong villian in the movie .
  This is just my personal opinion.
  Overall it is a enjoyable script . It is light and frivolous
  
  I would also like you to review my script posted there.
  My Indian Sister. It is also about fraternal twin sisters.
  My Language is not like a native writer , so pl excuse me. read
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  Brother, Can You Spare a Dime?
  A review of Fraternal Twins - 2nd Draft
  by TheKeenGuy on 10/07/2009
  LOGLINE Struggling to pay his own way through college, an eternally-unlucky go-getter must prevent his dream girl from getting wooed away by his always-favored “older” twin brother. PAGE NOTES Pg. 2 “swims out to” Previously they were running, which made me picture the men-in-sperm-suits of EVERYTHING YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT SEX… Now they’re swimming, which calls... LOGLINE
  
  Struggling to pay his own way through college, an eternally-unlucky go-getter must prevent his dream girl from getting wooed away by his always-favored “older” twin brother.
  
  PAGE NOTES
  
  Pg. 2 “swims out to” Previously they were running, which made me picture the men-in-sperm-suits of EVERYTHING YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT SEX… Now they’re swimming, which calls to mind more realistic sperm, perhaps animated. Frankly, I have no idea what I’m supposed to be picturing.
  
  Pg. 3 I don’t think the margins for your character heading/dialogue are correct. Struck me as distracting.
  
  Pg. 5 “YOUNG TOMMY… comes into the classroom” How would the viewing audience know that this specifically is his older brother? This could be done by giving the brothers distinguishing marks, or by having the mother taking the tag off a new shirt that we see on Tommy in the next scene. Keep it concise, but the goal is to make sure that you don’t tell the reader on the page what the audience in the cinema wouldn’t know (even if they could probably guess).
  
  Of course, now that I think about it, there’s no reason to set that as two scenes instead of one. Have Tommy walk into the house, or Robert see him out the window. Keep the budget down.
  
  Pg. 8 “Changes his mind” Cut from day to night before he digs it back out. The abrupt, unmotivated change doesn’t quite work.
  
  Pg. 10 It doesn’t make sense that he goes to college because “I couldn’t wait to finally get away from home” because of his problems with his brother and then DECIDES to go to the same college that his brother attends. This is a BIG problem with your set-up, because it’s counter-intuitive, and you give no sense that it’s unavoidable.
  
  Pg. 12 It’s not playing fair that Robert doesn’t simply say that he was working (the cut implies that he didn’t). It’s contrived conflict in an effort to gain sympathy for the character, but the fact that he could so easily have explained himself to this professor undercuts that.
  
  Avoid conflicts created simply through poor communication (as opposed to honest counter-positions). They usually feel contrived, and that’s because they are.
  
  There’s a quicker, less contrived way to play that scene anyway. Robert starting to doze off, the book slams on the desk, Robert looks up at the Professor, who points to the door. Cut to the next scene.
  
  Pg. 13 Robert not realizing that he has put on and taken a walk wearing someone else’s sweat pants again makes him seem rather foolish rather than garnering the sympathy you are trying to create.
  
  Pg. 25 At the moment, this has been shaping up more as a drama with comic touches. Given how broadly this starts out, with personified sperm and all, the script has settled down into something not particularly comic at all, and quite a downer.
  
  Pg. 29 “He doesn’t pay another ex-wife.” Missing “want to”?
  
  Pg. 33 I’m really glad you went in this direction where Sarah is in on the scheme… which creates a much more interesting tension.
  
  We’ve seen a million films where the protag is deceiving the love interest, who will inevitably learn about it from the antag just before the third act. The fact that you set that up and then zagged away is refreshing, as now our concern is in line with Robert’s. Given both Tommy’s charms and his bad luck, Sarah getting in on the scheme is just screaming to backfire, and both we and Robert know that for reasons Sarah wouldn’t truly understand.
  
  Pg. 40 I don’t understand why the milk gag come right on top of the slamming of the door. Place it a couple lines later to make it less awkward, if you need it at all.
  
  Pg. 41 You’re occasionally misusing apostrophes. “Let’s” on this page and “moment’s” a few pages ago, and a few other places in the script.
  
  Pg. 45 “he thinks everyone is looking” How do we know this? A description like “he eyes everyone who might be looking at him or snickering his way” is a better way to actually communicate that through a visual.
  
  Pg. 50 “The phone rests at the bottom of the fish tank.” Very cute transition.
  
  Pg. 53 “realizes it’s cold, but can’t bring himself” Create a visual moment. Have him shiver, turn to open the door, but the knob is rattling to the beat of the vigorous bonking. Robert walks off. That way you can even milk another joke out of the scene.
  
  Pg. 66 “…when I went to pick up my stuffed rabbit.” Missed a good visual cue here. Just have Tommy pull the stuffed rabbit out of his back pocket as an answer. You can still work in “Cindy told me” if you need it, and could even have a joke about whether Cindy is the rabbit’s name.
  
  Pg. 67 “All right, let me guess…” Tommy’s newfound (or newly revealed) sensitivity is a little much, at least as well-articulated as it is. Not that the change shouldn’t happen, but it’ll work better if he’s still somewhat vapid even though he knows what the right thing to do is. It’ll allow you to wring some more humor out as well.
  
  Pg. 77 You don’t need new slugs for the court and the stands. Mini-slugs, perhaps, but I’m not even sure that’s necessary. It’s all one scene in what’s essentially the same location.
  
  Okay, finished reading, now onto the…
  
  THE BIG PICTURE
  
  Pleasant. That’s the way I’d describe this script, for the most part. It was occasionally charming and clever, occasionally plodding and unoriginal. I didn’t hate it or love it, and I suspect that’s how most people would feel... and that’s not where you want this to be. There’s definitely greater potential to be mined with this script, and that’s what I want to focus on.
  
  Essentially, I’m going to focus on the two areas that need the greatest focus towards the goal of improving the script, the CONFLICT and the THEME.
  
  The CONFLICT, to a great extent, is structured around Robert’s desire to go to college, and yet his motivation for doing so is to get away from home. Thus, enrolling in the school that his brother also attends is certainly not the only way for him to achieve his goal.
  
  Why couldn’t Robert have taken a year to work and build up money to then enroll the next year? Given how much smarter he is than his brother, why would his only acceptance letter come from a school his much less academic brother also got into? Robert wasn’t truly forced into this conflict. He made bad decisions… and that severely undercuts the conflict.
  
  It’s this simple… If the script is about how he is eternally unlucky, then he must ALWAYS make what seems like a good decision at the time.
  
  Good Judgment + Negative Results = Bad Luck.
  
  So that’s the first thing to focus on. Now let’s backtrack to the catalyst of all this. The parents.
  
  I liked the way you set this up. An unexpected twin forever treated like an afterthought by his parents. It doesn’t feel particularly realistic, but doesn’t need to in a comedy… so long as you maintain a consistent tone with the comedy.
  
  Once this script settled into “modern day,” it turned out to be a dramedy that only on rare occasions played as broadly as the opening sequence. Dan’s nympho problem and the Jack Jackman subplots could be grouped in, but these are carnival sideshows surrounding a very talky and only mildly comic dual plotline for the protagonist, concerning his financial debt and his romantic pursuit.
  
  The protagonist’s conflict does not directly inspire the majority of the comic elements in this script, and thus Robert and especially Tommy and Sarah, your main characters, barely contribute to that aspect.
  
  Those three characters certainly do not need to be redrawn to be more cartoonish… but certainly, the conflict can be re-conceived in a way where it’s the catalyst for comedy among the story’s major players.
  
  So, okay, cycling back again, because I need to address further the flaws in how the protagonist and his conflict are set up.
  
  Robert’s an afterthought to his parents. Hand-me-downs, no tuition. (I actually think you’re missing a third beat of “But still…” in between those two.) This puts Robert in a place where his brother always gets the big end of the stick (undeservedly, in Robert’s mind and ideally the audience’s as well).
  
  What this has done is created Robert’s flaw, his internal conflict, which is that he’s defeatist. He doesn’t accept the short end of the stick, but he EXPECTS it.
  
  And yet, he still shows resilience by refusing not to go to college, and so he pushes forth recklessly and is punished for the majority of the script for this choice.
  
  “No, not this time!” That’s what’s important about that moment, and that needs to be brought out better.
  
  Through the opening sequence, Robert is constantly pushing back against the unfairness of his parents’ preferential treatment of his brother. Cut back on that.
  
  In those scenes, you have the VO for Robert to express his resentment of the unfairness of the situation. But within the actual scenes, you should have a little kid sadly accepting his runner-up lot in life, aware that it’s not fair, but you should hold back his blowing up until the tuition scene… because he had been holding on, waiting for that moment for so long, the light at the end of the tunnel. That’s what kept him going, kept him from turning bitter.
  
  Having him freak out in the previous scene kills the impact of his freak-out when his long-awaited ticker out of there gets torn up in his face. That’s where he needs to finally, at long last, take a stand and say… “No, not this time!”
  
  Like I got at before, there should be two instances of Robert accepting “But still…” Perhaps it’s related to Robert having to do chores that Tommy doesn’t have to, or Tommy being given more leniency on curfews, thus allowing him a more active dating life.
  
  For instance, a scene where Tommy is allowed to stay out all night for prom (“Heck, here’s money for a hotel room! Go get ‘em, tiger!”) while Robert has to come home at 10PM to clean up after his parents’ dinner party. Robert’s prom date is understandably pissed and that’s when Tommy swoops in, charming her and thus, Tommy leaves with a prom date on each arm while Robert doesn’t even bother going at all.
  
  But that third time, the tuition scene… “No, not this time!” This is where Robert takes a stand, and that impact has to be felt strongly by the audience. They have to be onboard because this is the where the precedent is set through which Good Judgment is met with Negative Results, thus proving Bad Luck.
  
  So, Robert says “No, not this time!,” but… how is he going to make his stand?
  
  He is going to do so by proving that anything his brother does he can do better.
  
  He turns from his parents to his jerk of a brother to say he is going to enroll in the same school, he’s going to get better grades, he’s going to be the one bringing in the big bucks and he’s going to be the one getting the better girls. Tommy snarkily wishes him “Good luck on that.”
  
  Cut to present day.
  
  Now you’ve established a stronger conflict. Robert has set out to best his brother at everything… and through the course of the next few scenes, the audience watches as his lofty and sympathetic intentions totally collapse.
  
  Though the lack of money is the catalyst through which his problems are exasperated, make sure to show how this leads to his failure on all fronts, all while his brother succeeds in every area where Robert, using Good Judgment, fails to get what he deserves; money, good grades, cute girls, a nice place to live, friends, etc.
  
  This has lead Robert to a severe low-point where he is almost ready to accept forever that defeatist attitude that his parents did so much to foster.
  
  It’s that moment on the brink of accepting that he’s a failure when Sarah comes into his life… and I would recommend making Sarah more instrumental in his securing of the job somehow, though I wouldn’t re-invent that scene totally, because his interaction with the kids really is adorable.
  
  Try finding a way in that scene where… well, say Robert comes in there totally dejected, plops down next to Sarah, maybe not even looking at her yet (the audience hasn’t gotten a good look at her either), expressing his conviction that he’s not going to get this job to Sarah, and expressing how he just needs to accept that he’s always going to be unlucky.
  
  Sarah responds in a way that shakes Robert out of his funk for a moment, getting his (and our) first good look at her as she gets up to go to talk with Mrs. Collins.
  
  Then, she stops to whisper something into a kids ear and that begets the rest of the scene pretty similar to how it is now, the Mexican stand-off leading to the Royal Rumble… and, through that, Sarah was instrumental to turning the tide and bringing a little luck Robert’s way for once.
  
  That definitely creates greater strength for the romance narrative, tying it into the overall conflict, as Sarah seems to Robert to be what’s going to bring him good luck (and she will, but not alone, as we’ll get into soon). It works better if she’s instrumental in his good luck rather than just being around when the first moment of good luck happens.
  
  So that gets the script off on better footing, with a stronger conflict and a more active protagonist. A greater focus on besting the fortunate son, Tommy… and Tommy can make a strong antagonist who turns out, as it is in the script now, not to be the enemy at all, when Tommy finally accepts and tries to atone for the benefit he’s gained from their parents’ unacceptable behavior.
  
  By the way, I really like how Tommy never seems to resent Robert’s behavior, the jealousy and sense of rivalry that Robert has, and that should remain even with Robert announcing his intentions to best his brother. What a terrific dynamic. There’s always a tension that Robert’s going to finally go too far and make Tommy finally turn mean on him, making it a true rivalry, and who knows whether that’d be for better or worse. The fact that Tommy’s so oblivious or unfazed by whatever Robert does is what can make for great comedy between these characters.
  
  Now, on to my next major point…
  
  This is about your THEME, which is clearly stated around the midpoint… “We Irish believe in luck, especially when you have the first three things.” Those three things being hope, faith and love.
  
  Hope + Faith + Love = Luck.
  
  Good. I liked how you did that with the necklace, by the way. Very smart.
  
  Now, it’s time to strengthen this theme throughout the ENTIRE narrative. Demonstrate in the first act how he loses (or fails to achieve in the first place) Hope, Faith and Love, though not in a way that’s overt, where those things are defined that way. But, for this theme to have real impact, it should be clear in retrospect how Robert’s Bad Luck has always been the result of him not getting his ducks in a row in terms of the first three things. Hit those three beats in the scenes with the parents and again in the early college scenes as things fall apart for Robert.
  
  In the third act, Hope, Faith and Love should be more clear, almost like a check list. Obviously, Sarah is the Love component, and Robert says as much, but there should be equally clear Hope and Faith components.
  
  How you choose to define Hope and Faith could go plenty of ways. Faith could be finally trusting his brother to help him out in some way, or his parents finally believing that he is as worthy a son as the “elder” twin, etc.
  
  Hope could be something like that moment before he threw the basketball… It misses and yet he comes away ecstatic, to the confusion of his brother. Robert explains how, rather than being resigned to the fact that he wouldn’t sink the basket as would’ve been par for the course, truly wanted it to go in and worked hard to make that happen. He realized that when he closed his eyes. What was important was his belief that he could, and the reason he didn’t was because he just needs to succeed at Faith and Love first.
  
  There’s other ways to go with both of those, but if you really follow through on your theme, then the entire narrative will benefit. Whenever Robert fails throughout the film, especially in his attempts to best his brother in college in the first act that brings him to his low point, each instance should demonstrate a failure to muster (or attain) Hope, Faith or Love, thus leading to Bad Luck, despite what seemed like Good Judgment to the audience as well as Robert.
  
  This is the focus I recommend you take, and of course I’ve thrown in a lot of specific suggestions to make my points. So, take and discard those as you wish, though hopefully you’ve committed yourself to the task of taking this script from something pleasant to something truly hilarious and emotionally resonant.
  
  Good luck! read
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  FRATERNAL TWINS
  A review of Fraternal Twins - 2nd Draft
  by muckers25 on 10/02/2009
  When I first started reading this story it felt like it's been done many times before. But the more and more I think about it I can't find an example of a story quite like this. The point I'm trying to say is this story is very relatable, which is 75% of thebattle. You emailed me a few weeks ago and asked me to review this and see if it was funny enough for my age group. The... When I first started reading this story it felt like it's been done many times before. But the more and more I think about it I can't find an example of a story quite like this. The point I'm trying to say is this story is very relatable, which is 75% of thebattle.
  
  You emailed me a few weeks ago and asked me to review this and see if it was funny enough for my age group. The response would be no, but let me explain. The instances of comedy you have in this are really funny( the ones that stick out the most are the homeless guys and Katy) but there simply isn't enough. I think this is mainly due to how the story is set up.
  
  FIrst thing I would suggest is have the plan with Sarah going out with Tommy come earlier. It hits about page 33 where they agree to do it and it just feels too late. I was really engaged in the story until after the date with Tommy and Sarah and I personally feel that you missed a great opportunity to make this story a top screenplay. Sarah and Tommy go on the date and Robert just sits and waits. Then he goes and checks it out. He thinks she sleeps with him...so on. What if the whole story was based around that date? Robert sneaking around town trying to spy on his perfect brother and the love of his life? Meeting weird characters on the way getting into wacky situations to try and follow and watch this date. It's just a suggestion but I feel it can really heighten the rivalry aspect between Robert and Tommy, plus it can add a lot of comedy to it.
  
  Just a random thought...what if Sarah were a twin? I don't know where or how you can put that in there but the whole time I was thinking "what if she had a twin in the end...how cool would that be!" Just food for thought.
  
  Overall this has great potential because of what I stated earlier...everyone has gone through this type of ordeal. It's a great premise. Good luck with it! read
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  Boy gets the girl, doesn’t realize it, then loses the girl, and has to get her back again.
  A review of Fraternal Twins - 2nd Draft
  by sduncan181 on 09/15/2009
  This warmhearted romantic comedy begins with the struggling rivalry between fraternal twins. Robert is smaller, weaker and never gets the girl, while Tommy is the opposite and has all the luck. When they go away to college, nothing changes until Robert meets Sarah. At first he thinks she’s slept with Tommy and he pushes her away. When he realizes he’s wrong, she’s already... This warmhearted romantic comedy begins with the struggling rivalry between fraternal twins. Robert is smaller, weaker and never gets the girl, while Tommy is the opposite and has all the luck.
  When they go away to college, nothing changes until Robert meets Sarah. At first he thinks she’s slept with Tommy and he pushes her away. When he realizes he’s wrong, she’s already headed back home to Minnesota and to her son that Robert knew nothing about.
  In the end, Robert shows up in Minnesota, as the snow falls softly; ready to bring Sarah and her son back to college.
  All this as Robert’s stoner roommate gets wore out from having too much sex with his nipho girlfriend. And an accidental photo with Robert, (nude) and celebrity Jack Jackman (fully clothed) ends up in the tabloids and on the internet for the world to see.
  The warmth derives not only from the romance, but also when the twin brothers work out their differences and become friends.
  You write well; the script is easy to read. You're subtle sense of humor is well executed, however, a bit more humor wouldn't hurt.
  Some suggestions:
  When introduced, your characters need discriptions.
  Page 19 . Keep it short: Instead of: She takes a pen out of her purse, and writes her number down on a napkin. Just write: She writes her number on a napkin, hands it over.
  Instead of: Tommy comes back over and sits down with Robert. Write: Tommy sits with Robert.
  Page 54: Show this: Robert realizes it's cold, but can't bring himself to go back inside. Try to find a way to show this, not tell.
  Formatting issues:
  Drop the Mores and Continues if you can from your screenwriters program. read
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  Mixed but enjoyable
  A review of Fraternal Twins - 2nd Draft
  by Agent Cooper on 09/14/2009
  Fraternal Twins is a bit of a mixed bag. A good mixed bag, but a mixed bag none the less. It is an interesting take on the whole romcom thing, with lots of funny moments. The style is light and breezy and easy to read, which is perfect. Generally it seems to have all the necessary elements, but there are a few plot developments and ideas that need honing to make this really... Fraternal Twins is a bit of a mixed bag. A good mixed bag, but a mixed bag none the less. It is an interesting take on the whole romcom thing, with lots of funny moments. The style is light and breezy and easy to read, which is perfect. Generally it seems to have all the necessary elements, but there are a few plot developments and ideas that need honing to make this really work well. Somethings needs to be developed, others scaled back. Structurally it needs some work too. I see it is a second draft – it will probably need a few more to get it right, but that is what writing is all about I guess. All just opinion. Hope it helps.
  
  One of the usual beats of a romantic comedy is the cute meet. Boys meets girl. It is vital because from this moment the audience has to instinctively know these are two people who have to be together. There is no cute meet in this. They meet in the kindergarten, but Sarah is almost an extra in those scenes. There is no sense of her until Tommy wants her. The script needs a really strong cute meet and a second significant meeting before the complication of Tommy intervenes. Plus it would be far stronger if it was clear Robert really wanted Sarah, not so much that he simply didn’t want Tommy to have her.
  
  Generally I would put a lot more foreshadowing throughout the script too. Robert’s “child whisperer” abilities are vital to the plot down the line, so really make it clear he has this skill, the earlier the better. Really hammer the point home. It needs more than just someone who seems good with kids in a scene or two.
  
  (Could these be one and the same? A cute meet at the park, involving say Jacob. We see how good Robert is with children and some embarrassing/cute meeting of Sarah. Then the kindergarten could be the second significant meet)
  
  Same with Jack Jackman – it needs foreshadowing. Set him up before he appears at the pool. Have someone watching one of his movies, so when have a sense of him. If he is a Bruce Willis like tough guy that will raise the tension even more when he appears. If there was a bit of mystery to that whole being at the house and swimming etc sequence too – like it is not clear whether they should be in the house, if there is a little danger and Sarah is acting mysterious etc – it would help build the tension.
  
  Also, set up the prize of the raffle when they buy the tickets maybe.
  
  Another usual beat in a romcom is the sacrifice – where the protagonist makes some sort of sacrifice to be with the love interest. All the elements are here for a good sacrifice but they are underplayed at the moment and not fleshed out. As it is part of Patricia’s acceptance of Robert is based on his not selling his story for money. Perhaps develop this more, so it is a very clear option for Robert – sell your story or stick to your morals. Maybe he could turn it down as a way to show Sarah he really is a good person. The general idea you have here is good, it just needs development, more than just being something Patricia mentions in passing.
  
  At the start of the script there is a lot of brother stuff – more than you necessarily need. We get the idea pretty quickly. The whole growing up sequence could be a montage. I would cut that back and focus more on the budding romance.
  
  Often, plot points seem a little too out of left field and as a result they jar somewhat. For example at the start the parents not knowing they were having twins made me wonder when this was set. When stopped by the police Robert pulls a used condom from his pocket and thinks nothing of it? I don’t buy the way Mrs Collins fires them, or the reasons for it. Stuff like that.
  
  Dan is a fun character, with lots of good lines. I especially enjoyed the possibility of the dog coming from a sinking ship. Overall the characters are pretty good, but Sarah needs a bit more to her and it is hard to reconcile the jerk Tommy of the start with the nice guy Tommy of the middle and end.
  
  Overall though this is pretty good. It is light and funny. I think if you can really nail the structure and smooth out a few of those plot points it will be a fun little comedy.
  
  Hope this helps in some way. Best of luck with it. read
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  Potential...
  A review of Fraternal Twins - 2nd Draft
  by goaliedad on 09/13/2009
  You say in your notes that this screenplay "doesn't take itself too seriosly". In a way, that may be why I had issues with Fraternal Twins. I think it can be so much more if it WAS taken a bit more "seriously". Let me explain. First the good. You can write. You prove that with a lot of excellent bits and pieces in this story. For example, the beginning I felt was a unique... You say in your notes that this screenplay "doesn't take itself too seriosly". In a way, that may be why I had issues with Fraternal Twins. I think it can be so much more if it WAS taken a bit more "seriously".
  
  Let me explain. First the good. You can write. You prove that with a lot of excellent bits and pieces in this story. For example, the beginning I felt was a unique and imaginitive way to get your theme and story chugging away to begin Act One. I could almost see this as sort of a PIXAR type animation sequence. So right off the bat, I knew this writer had some chops... was willing to explore new ground. But then that's where I feel you stopped. You got "safe". And I think you're better than that. Much better. Instead of mining new territory with the ROMCOM genre, you settled in and gave us the tried and true formula. Now, there's nothing wrong with that, but for you, as an unknown spec writer, this ain't gonna cut it. You HAVE to amp things up to a much higher level.
  
  Indulge me with a metaphor - you're an artist - a painter. What you've done with Fraternal Twins is a paint by number painting. You did it damn well, but it's still what it is: a paint by number painting. Now, what I think you're capable of, is taking those same paints and get out a blank canvas, and go to town. CREATE. Don't stay within those numbered sections. Get it? You proved with your opening that you can do this. Carry this creative juice throughout your WHOLE screenplay.
  
  So. What next? It's time to roll up your sleeves and enter that dark scary area all of us writers have to enter to take our work to the next level. The area of theme. Character development. Story. You've hinted at these, but it's only a hint. You're sort of swirling around on the outside of them (sort of like a sperm, heh, heh...) but you're afraid to dive in. Brother relationships, especially the one you got going here, are ripe for the picking theme-wise. And you got a good start with Tommy and Robert being fraternal twins with the good one versus bad one cooking along. But you let them, and us, off the hook too easy. Even with a comedy, you have to delve into some darker areas. You tried to with their little arguement, but I think you have to go MUCH farther. I also think their parents were developed as almost cartoon characters, just sort of there to hammer home your point about the two brothers. I think the potential is there, and needed, to involve them in a much stronger way.
  
  Now, as far as your supporting characters, Dan is again the stereotypical stoner we've all seen dating back to Fast Times at Ridgemont High. You can do better with him - especially with as much as you involve him with the story. Give us something fresh - maybe he's still a stoner, but he spews out these occasional brilliant life lessons that eventually hit home with Robert. Connect him with the story more thematically. Sarah, I feel, is one of your stronger characters - with a subtle hand, I felt you developed her as a strong woman, out to get her life in order. Well done with her. But again, toward the end, she just blended back into the same old female character we've all seen, so you're happy ending could work out. She did the old "leave the problem behind and go home thing", and then the everything came back to her with a neatly tied ribbon on the package, so she could head back with a new start. Too easy, my friend. Make your characters EARN the good things as you wrap up Act Three's. Even with comedies, hell, especially with comedies.
  
  As far as story, well, I think you need to step back and think about it more. How can you give this one some OOMPH themewise that will really set it apart? Ahhh, that's the hard stuff. But, it's the GOOD stuff. And you need to do it. Otherwise, this one is just there, sitting alongside the hundreds of other ROMCOMs on a reader's pile. You have to make this one sparkle and shine for it to rise above that pile.
  
  And the good news. You have the talent to do this. I can feel it. Best of luck. read
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  tale of two brothers
  A review of Fraternal Twins - 2nd Draft
  by Gary Wright on 09/11/2009
  p.3 omitted word It's [the] only sperm in the ampulla. Brilliant hook - establishes the whimsical tone and the brothers' relationship immediately (though I would like to see some interplay between Robert and Tommy as sperms which will be cleverly echoed later in their human forms). p.4 I like the juxtaposition of the two bikes side by side in the driveway to show the brothers'... p.3 omitted word
  It's [the] only sperm in the ampulla.
  
  Brilliant hook - establishes the whimsical tone and the brothers' relationship immediately (though I would like to see some interplay between Robert and Tommy as sperms which will be cleverly echoed later in their human forms).
  
  p.4 I like the juxtaposition of the two bikes side by side in the driveway to show the brothers' respective status.
  
  typo
  He['s] dressed in obvious second-hand clothes.
  
  pp.5-6 The designation "younger brother" seems a bit stilted. Maybe "little brother"?
  
  p.8 LOL "Tommy needs college more than you do"
  
  Your first 10 set up the protag's goal and interior and exterior conflicts very efficiently - so efficiently, in fact, that you have time to be repetitive. Which makes me think the first 10 probably aren't working hard enough. As I read along, I'll be on the lookout for story elements which might benefit from a stronger set-up - elements you can use to enrich the beginning of the script. The note above about giving the brothers a prophetic exchange of dialogue as sperms is one such idea...
  
  p.12 verb agreement error
  From just below come[s] voices.
  
  p.20 The "one thing about him is he doesn't lie" VO is a bit clunky. Actually, just the beginning of it is clunky. The "For all that I hate Tommy" part. As they say in tv writers' rooms (but not often enough), Write the good version of that.
  
  p.21 Left the period off the VO at the top of the page.
  
  Love the late rent message delivered by the Random Guy acting as if he lives there.
  
  LOL "That's nice of the fates."
  
  p.25 typo
  SARAH
  How long are you going to be able
  to keep up being [of s/b a] full time
  college student with three jobs?
  
  p.29 redundant
  Sarah and Robert [descend down]
  
  p.33 When Sarah agrees to date Tommy feels like an act break to me - except you haven't really written it like one - you've buried it, and let it go by without seeming to notice it happened. And it comes several pages too late, if you want to be dogmatic about structure.
  
  p.36 omitted word
  He [is] startled by a noise at the door.
  
  no apostrophe: MOMENT[']S LATER
  
  Jacob's line "See you again" seems like an odd thing for a kid to say. Just the "again" part, I mean.
  
  You might think this is bleeding heart bullshit, but I'm not trying to change the way you think - just trying to keep the reader on your side. Since you've established the dog's gender by having him lick his balls on the previous page, I think it's weird that you call Checkers "It" instead of "He" or "Him". Seems really cold, as if you're one of those people who think dogs are incapable of feeling pain because they're lower animals - therefore it's okay to go home and kick the shit out of them if you've had a bad day. People who love and admire dogs tend to have a low opinion of people who "don't get it." Lasting friendships and bitter enmities are created over this. It might seem like a small, silly thing - but it also might make a significant difference in the way the reader thinks about you, the writer. I notice Dan refers to Checkers as "It" as well. With some readers, this might lower your protag's likability quotient, too. Take it for what it's worth - I'm just sayin'.
  
  p.41 no apostrophe
  Sarah let[']s herself out with a wave.
  
  p.43 typo
  Robert looks out the window [at s/b as] he dials a number.
  
  p.45 Great line!
  TOMMY
  Isn't that a lot to be asking a
  self-centered jerk?
  
  p.46 omitted word
  "I'm not going to be able to make [it] into work tonight..."
  
  omitted word
  Robert, still on the couch, staring [at] the fish.
  
  p.54 Officer Davis' line falls short, I think. "Well, you don't have to be touchy about it." If your meaning is "Sorry you're not having any fun, but don't take it out on me," I think that's a great sentiment for Davis, but this line doesn't quite land it. Write the good version of that.
  
  p.59 omitted word
  SARAH
  I didn't sleep [with] Tommy, okay?
  
  p.65 typo
  "...you'll get [to] opportunity to attempt a half-court shot."
  
  p.69 whoa! what happened here?
  ROBERT
  ...you gave me the money even though [it knew you meant] you wouldn't have enough to finish college?
  
  I find it very implausible that these guys make such a high percentage of these half-court shots.
  
  p.80 Fish bow on the packed boxes in the living room. Why are the fish bowing? Is it some kind of curtain call? Oh, you mean fish BOWL!
  
  p.92 Dude, this freaks me out. All of a sudden, Mrs. Flanagan turns into Mrs. Pennington - weird!
  
  p.94 Here's another weird thing - all of a sudden, Checkers is no longer an "It". Cool!
  
  p.96 Since Sarah and Robert were sort of fired for moral turpitude, it seems a bit odd that Jack Jackman, in the midst of a tabloid "gay affair" scandal, would be the kind of guy they'd want appearing at the school. I'm not suggesting you change it - but you might have someone comment on the irony.
  
  p.98 I like the who vs. whom callback.
  
  I enjoyed this, Matt. I especially like the revelations about Tommy as Robert learns to be less jealous of him. Always a nice surprise to learn that someone's better than you thought.
  
  A couple of things left me vaguely dissatisfied. The first is the argument between Sarah and Robert after her date with Tommy. That was all pretty linear, and I saw it coming before it happened, and then the argument seemed kind of shallow and simple - and so did the reconciliation.
  
  And then, in the last 15 pages or so, the resolution of the whole thing felt tidy, yet laborious. By which I mean starting with Mrs. Jackman's deus ex machina entrance, I could sort of hear the clank of the plot machinery turning in the background under the dialogue, and I knew everything was gonna get tied up into a nice, neat bow - but it seemed to happen very slowly, with no real surprises.
  
  I don't have suggestions on how to fix these things, but I wanted to mention them, so you can figure out what to do about them, if you agree.
  
  Anyway, I was glad to finally have a chance to read some of your work, Matt, and I wish you the best of luck with this - I think it's a fun story!
  
  cheers,
  
  Gary
  read
• 
  Campus of Brotherly Love
  A review of Fraternal Twins - 2nd Draft
  by Fluorophore on 09/08/2009
  Ah, the sleeping dog has finally awoken. And it ain't Checkers. Yes, I'm back. Right off, I'll confess that I'm not within the demographic for this story. You're shooting for the teen and twenty-something crowd, so I'll try to keep that in mind during the review. Confession or no, I found "Fraternal Twins" to be an arduous read. The main issue, a common one on TS, stems... Ah, the sleeping dog has finally awoken. And it ain't Checkers.
  
  Yes, I'm back.
  
  Right off, I'll confess that I'm not within the demographic for this story. You're shooting for the teen and twenty-something crowd, so I'll try to keep that in mind during the review.
  
  Confession or no, I found "Fraternal Twins" to be an arduous read. The main issue, a common one on TS, stems from the lack of a strong storyline. IOW, the spine needs a backbone. Specifically, I'm not sure whether you want this to be a rom-com or a story of two brothers. I'm guessing the former, but you start off with pre-conceptual sibling rivalry, which sets the stage for the latter. Then you alternate between the two themes, without fully developing either. That's not saying you can't have both. You can, but one has to be the true spine of the story. Focus, focus, focus.
  
  In order to focus, you'll need to spend a little more time developing your characters. Everyone is pretty much two-dimensional. Robert is whiny and way too passive to be an effective protagonist. Grow this boy a couple, get him off his sun-luvin tuchus and make him dive down the rabbit hole and crawl back out. Do this so poor--SPOILERS!--Patricia, a non-entity for the first 85 pages or so, doesn't have to hand him everything on a silver platter. Or so Tommy can remain his obnoxious spoiled self. I did not believe for a millisecond that Tommy would sacrifice his right eyelash for his brother's good, much less his college fund. And then he tutors Robert in basketball...yeah. No. If you want Tommy to arc into a decent guy, you'll have to plant the seeds for it earlier on.
  
  The most troublesome characters are the Penningtons. They get my vote for the Worst and Pettiest Parents of the Year. Their sledgehammer brand of favoritism was way over the top, and not believeable in the least. I kept shaking my head, especially during Patricia's spiel, wondering if parents ever really acted this way. Now, keep in mind I just finished reading Dorothy Allison's "Bastard out of Carolina."
  
  Sarah wasn't believable either. She left California...why? Because she brought a naked stranger into Jack Jackman's house after blackmailing him about something, I forget exactly what. Does this make her a nice girl? No, and she doesn't have to be, although she should appeal to your average twenty year old guy. But does a littlet badness make her interesting? It could, but I can feel the heavy hand of the writer on her shoulder pushing her around, forcing her to assume whatever role she needs to in order to move the story in his desired direction. Rather, try getting to know these folks and let them lead you around by the ear. That way, the plot will evolve organically, from the characters. And you won't have to make up stuff at the last minute, like Patricia's job offer or the half-shoot prize or the poker game. Or the Flanagans, including Sam. Or Ted. Who the heck was Ted anyway? A private eye/paparazzo with a weakness for poker. These plot items seemed tacked on--ie, deux ex machina. If nothing else, introduce earlier Tommy's penchant for poker. (Ditto the basketball prize.) If you show him playing poker in Act I or early in Act II, we may also get the hint that his college fund isn't as healthy as we thought. So that reveal won't ambush us out of the blue. Subtle hints are good things. Come to think of it, subtlety is a good thing.
  
  I liked Dan as peripheral comic relief, but he became annoyingly omnipresent near the end. What the heck were he and his dog doing at the Penningtons? And then at the Flanagans? That said, I liked that he zoned out in front of the fish, and the fish motif was cute, just don't overuse it.
  
  Cheer with me, everyone: the V.O. has to go, the V.O. has to go. It really does. You should be dramatizing everything that's in V.O., which, thankfully, seems to drift away during the middle of the story--only to return later. You show quite nicely how Robert seems to be the only man on campus not getting any tail. Do likewise for the sections using V.O.
  
  Structure. Okay, this is my weak point. I can't structure a popsicle stick. That said, the introduction of Sarah at page 16 was appropriate for the love interest. However, she vanishes in Act III. She leaves CA for no reason I can see, and doesn't return until the very end with a lot of heavy-handed manipulation on your part. Here is another good example where further character development will aid in the evolution of plot. Don't kick Sarah out, let her find her own way out, if she wants to. The plot meanders, as I mentioned earlier, mainly because you haven't figured out what this story is about. Not really. Brothers or romance. Why should we care about Robert's story? What is the theme? The takeaway message? The reason I should plunk down ten dollars of my hard earned cash to see this thing?
  
  I'm going to stop here because I feel like I'm beating a half-dead dog--and it ain't Checkers.
  
  Mechanics: format was okay, although there was one scene that was confusing because I didn't know if it was a dream sequence or not. (See notes for specifics.) There were a few spelling errors and typos--again see notes.
  
  Admittedly, the notes are a little snarky, but they indicate how your story affected me so I'm leaving them pretty much as is. Also, keep in mind that these notes were taken on the fly, ie, while I was reading, and some issues may have been addressed later in the SP. Text between -- and -- was cut and pasted directly from the script.
  
  To kill the dog completely, I'll wrap up by suggesting that you rethink this story. Outline a spine (Story A) before your next rewrite and then tailor supporting subplots around it. Let your characters lead the way.
  
  Best of luck with the rewrite! You can do it.
  
  NOTES
  
  The opening: the anatomy of conception. Uh, I dunno. It’s not hitting me right. Too cute? Too weird? Too long, definitely. Just end it after the first VO about “welcome to my life” BTW, who is the narrator?
  
  p4: --Mrs. Pennington feels a contraction. She ignores it.-- Then how do we know she has it?
  
  And again, same page: --Another contraction.-- Does she grimace? How are we going to know that she’s having another contraction?
  
  p5: The doctor knows she’s having twins? And she doesn’t? Don’t know the time frame here, if this pregnancy occurred during a time when technology would definitely be able to tell if she were having twins long before the birth. I just think it’s odd that the doctor seems to know and the mother doesn’t.
  
  p5: --He dressed in obvious second-hand clothes.-- TYPO: He’s dressed…
  Should “obvious” be “obviously”? since it’s modifying “second-hand”, an adjective, and not the noun, “clothes”?
  
  By page 7, the VO is getting tired. Cut it and tell the story via dialogue and action. The over the top situations and Robert’s reactions to them will make it obvious to the reader how he feels about Tommy’s getting all the girls, the new clothes, etc.
  
  Page 9: Tommy never opens a book, therefore Tommy needs college more than Robert does? Huh? The parents’ favoritism has gone way overboard. I know this is comedy, but I hate these people. They’re idiots.
  
  p10: VO: “And I got there.” Yeah, okay, I can SEE that. The VO is really getting on my nerves, and I see that there’s another full page of it waiting for me.
  
  p11: This VO, come on, man. I’m up to here with it. “Why can’t I be the one to get the girl?” Sounds familiar. We’ve heard this whiny line once before, haven’t we? If there’s one thing worse than VO, it’s repetitive VO. Plus, you don’t want your protagonist, no matter how oppressed, to come off as whiny, not if you want to generate audience compassion for him. (Plus, I gotta say, unfortunately for you, I just finished reading Dorothy Allison’s “Bastard out of Carolina”, and not getting the girl doesn’t strike me as all that calamitous.)
  
  p11: --Robert trudges for his apartment-- This is the second time you used the word “trudges” on this page. Watch repetition.
  
  p12: --DAN, 19, a stoner, lounges on the couch while watching fish
  swimming around in the aquarium across from him.-- Okay, this is kinda funny. Dan must be a helluva stoner. A circular saw blade in the door? Target practice. Okay, maybe we’ll see what this is all about. I’ll wait.
  
  p14: What I want to know, is the used condom his? I guess not, must be Dan’s.
  
  p15: Tommy tells Robert to get a job if he needs money. Doesn’t he know that Robert already has a job? Are the brothers that out of touch? Do they go to the same school? I wonder if Robert would make himself so vulnerable as to beg money off his favored twin brother. He worked to get into college, he’ll work to stay there.
  
  p16: Sarah Flanagan will be the love interest, I take it. Good timing for her entry into the story. Here’s my prediction of how this will all play out, and I hope I’m wrong: Sarah falls for the charming child-friendly Robert, but Tommy, jealous of his loser brother, will vie for her attention. Lots of shenanigans ensue while Tommy tries and temporarily wins Sarah over, only to be trumped by Robert, whom Sarah realizes will be the best father for their children. We’ll end with a marriage or worse yet, a pregnancy. Please god, no. Prove me wrong.
  
  p18: Tommy actually asks Robert to hook him up with Sarah? LOL, too much balls for my liking. I’d say Mr. Studmuffin hunts her down on his own, without asking for help.
  
  p18: “Would you mind giving me your phone number?” Cheesiness aside, if Tommy is willing to do this, he’ll find the guts to approach Sarah on his own. Or is he asking Robert just to torture him? Why? He has such an edge, with his parents’ favoring him and all. Robert is no match for him at this point, or so he must think.
  
  p22: --ROBERT (V.O.)
  And, it's not like he needed any
  help in that area-- Yes, we know. You’ve made this quite apparent. Here’s a good opportunity to trim some VO.
  
  p27: Why does Sarah pressure Robert into buying a raffle ticket when she knows he’s got three jobs and a tuition to pay? Doesn’t matter if it’s only a dollar. A dollar’ll buy you two packets of Ramen noodles, the staple of college diets everywhere.
  
  p33: Jeez, seems kinda stupid for Robert to be telling Sarah that Tommy thought she was smoking hot and offered to pay his tuition if he hooked him up with her. He doesn’t know this girl. Why would he risk it at this early stage? Plus, she’s bribed this Jackman guy, which doesn’t speak well to her character. Is she even worth Robert’s precious time? What will your reader think?
  
  p35: His eyes blur from the chlorine? Does this happen? After a few minutes in a pool? How are we going to know this is the reason for his blurred vision?
  
  p36: How are we going to know that Jack is a movie star? You may want to show Robert having more of a reaction to him. And maybe calling him by name. This is his first appearance in the story. The viewer won’t know who he is.
  
  p43: --Sarah laughs at something Tommy just said.
  -- This is right in the middle of a phone conversation between Robert and his mother. Is it a typo? Does INTERCUT AS NECESSARY refer to a parallel scene with Tommy and Sarah? If so, I think you have to slug that scene. If not, get rid of this line. It’s terribly distracting and confusing.
  
  p45: --MRS. PENNINGTON
  I must say I'm disappointed. I
  thought I had a really delicious
  story to tell the girls.-- What mother would ever say this? These parents are cartoons, not real people, not even enough for a comedy.
  
  p47: So the lecture slide of Robert’s ass is just something he imagines or dreams? If so, it has to be indicated as such.
  
  p49: --SARAH
  And besides, it's not like it's
  going to be torture.-- This to Robert about her date with Tommy. Is she trying to torture Robert? Why would she say this to him? Doesn’t make her seem very nice and worth his time.
  
  p52: Girls don’t like guys who can’t remember their names. They certainly wouldn’t happily follow them into their bedroom to smoke dope and do godknowswhatelse.
  
  p54: --Robert realizes it's cold,
  -- How are we going to know this? Show him shivering and/or blowing visible breaths. Oh sorry, this is CA.
  
  p55: --MOMENT'S LATER-- Should be MOMENTS LATER.
  
  I like how you show, and not tell via VO, that Robert is the only man on campus not getting any tail.
  
  I’m over halfway finished, and I must say that Robert is an extremely passive protagonist. What has he done to push the story forward except to stupidly leak to Sarah that Tommy offered to pay for a date with her? (He works like a dog at three jobs, but this isn't pushing the plot forward. You don't have to be lazy to be passive.)
  
  p59: Sarah has no problem with the concept of Robert’s being paid for her having sex with his brother. LOL, what does that make her again? Does any woman want to think of herself in this way, even hypothetically?
  
  p59: Awkward/funny situation with Mrs. Collins overhearing the end of the “sex for money” conversation. You might want to have her make a comment, something germane and more interesting than “ahem”. This is a movie, capitalize on the moment. Oh, uh, get rid of the kids first. 
  
  p60: --SARAH
  I didn't sleep Tommy, okay?-- Missing word. Should be: “I didn’t sleep with Tommy, okay?”
  
  p61: -->Sarah knees Robert in the balls.-- She should have been insulted earlier that he thought she had casual sex with his slimy brother, but this reaction is a bit severe. I would only knee a guy if he attacked me.
  
  Why doesn’t Robert try to capitalize on the naked ass photo? It would bring in some cash and would make him a stronger protagonist. Unfortunately, it would also make him as slimy as his brother. So this would be a fine line to tow. Oh, okay, now I see he is GIVEN the opportunity. Get this guy off his sun-luvin tuchus and get him moving.
  
  p62: --DAN
  If that's Katy, I had to go to the
  antarctica, or somewhere.-- Should be Antarctica, with a capital A.
  
  p66: The half court prize? I don’t remember Robert entering a contest with this as a possible prize. He bought a raffle ticket earlier, but the prize in raffles is usually along the line of a turkey or a ham. Kinda reaks of deux ex machina. Comes out of nowhere, and once again something is happening to your protagonist rather than having him make it happen. At least have him willfully and hopefully enter a contest that clearly offers a scholarship possibility. With the half court prize, we’re off on a whole different tangent, a whole different story. Sarah’s gone. Tommy’s gone. What the…? With the right protagonist, this could be a whole other film. Okay, Tommy’s back, but in a whole other role--that of Nice Bro. All of a sudden, he wants to help his brother. Um…
  
  p68: --Go for it.
  TOMMY
  You resent me, don't you?
  Tommy shoots.
  ROBERT
  Yes.
  Robert shoots.
  TOMMY
  Why?
  Tommy passes the ball to Robert.
  ROBERT
  How can you even ask that?
  TOMMY
  All right, let me guess... how Mom
  and Dad treat us differently,
  because of the college funds,
  and because I always get the girl
  and you don't.
  Robert starts to shoot, but hesitates.
  ROBERT
  Those would be three of the big
  ones, yes.
  Robert banks the ball in. Tommy gets the ball.--<
  
  OTN dialogue, and unnecessary. These guys have been brothers all their lives. Don’t they already know this about each other? Hell, even I know this about them. For one thing, even if Tommy asks Robert if he resents him, would Robert answer honestly? Wouldn’t that make him seem vulnerable to an already overpowering brother? Rather, I’d expect Robert to be angry and evasive.
  
  p70: --ROBERT
  So, let me get this straight...
  you gave me the money even though
  it knew you meant you wouldn't
  have enough to finish college?-- Something’s wrong here. I stumbled all over this. I think you want it to read “…even though you knew it meant you wouldn’t have enough to finish college.” Very awkward even with the typos fixed. Find a more succinct way of saying this.
  
  p70: So you want us to wait to find out why Tommy sacrificed his tuition for Robert? Why? I’m not sure I want to hang on much longer. Where’s Sarah? Is this a rom-com or a story of two brothers? Figure this out before you start the next draft.
  
  p71: --TOMMY
  Frankly, when it comes to women,
  you're kind of a dweeb.-- Tommy’s right, but not just with regard to women. Robert is too dweeby to be a good protag.
  
  p71: --Robert has to admit there is some truth to this.-- Unfilmmable as written.. Show it.
  
  p72: Her son? WTF? Robert doesn’t know this girl at all. What has their relationship been up to now if he doesn’t even know she has a son? And I’m just not buying Tommy’s good guy act. Too much of a switcheroo for this reader.
  
  What happened to the ass shot at Jackman’s place? Why did that even happen in this story? For a few cheap laughs? It didn’t go anywhere.
  
  p73: --TOMMY (CONT'D)
  I told her that if she truly
  wanted a guy for whom her having a
  son wouldn't matter, she could do
  a lot worse than my brother.
  ROBERT
  You said that?-- No, joke’s on you, Robert. You see, this entire film has been one long dream sequence. Honestly, I don’t buy any of this nouveau selflessness from Tommy. Too sudden, too drastic. Set us up for this upfront. Don’t introduce Tommy as being such a spoiled horndog of a brat.
  
  p74: I’m confused. Tommy’s college fund is gone because he gambled it all away? Or because his father invested poorly? Or both?
  
  By this time (p74), we should be gearing up for a final confrontation between the protag and antagonist. The infection should be at a head ready to explode. (Like the zitt metaphor?) Instead, we have a too easy coming together of the two, assuming Tommy to be the latter, which I’m not so sure about. Story has stalled. Sarah has been out of the picture for a long time, although she’s talked about here. Still, talking is so far inferior to dramatizing, especially in film.
  
  So, where is the antagonism in this story? I see more internal conflict within Robert. He thinks of himself as a nobody-schmoe, which leads to self sabotage, particularly with Sarah. Hey, look, I like internal conflict more than your average screenplay reader, which explains why I now write novels and short stories. What you need to do is externalize the conflict here, develop more antagonism, either through Tommy and/or Sarah. Internal conflict alone is really hard to convey via film. That's not saying that you should get rid of it.
  
  p76: I don’t know why Sarah is leaving California. Because she tried to do nice things for Robert and he was too dense to appreciate them? That would be reason for her to stop seeing Robert, not to leave the state. Maybe there is a more compelling reason re: her son? You’re trying to manufacture a climax whereas it should arise organically from the characters and their story. There’s another metaphor I could use here, but, uh, oh forget it. 
  
  Aphrodisiac pot, LOL. You could write a rom-com based on this alone.
  
  p80/81: Uh oh, Return of the Whiny VO.
  
  p81: .. Maybe that boat was
  sinking, but it at least felt
  pretty good to not be alone.-- Not only that, it’s OTN whiny VO.
  
  p81: --Fish bow on the packed boxes..-- Typo. Should be “Fish bowl on the packed boxes..” I actually pictured a fish with a bow on its head, scratching my own noggin wondering “what the hell is a fish bow?” Yes, I’m that clueless and that literal.
  
  p82: --Katy doesn't quite process Robert's comment.-- Clueless Wonder here doesn’t either. Show her rumpling her brow or being completely oblivious because, as written, this is unfilmmable.
  p84: --ROBERT
  What's going on here?-- I’m with Robert. I’m totally in the dark, and not in a good way. Ace king, ace queen. What???
  
  p86: Now we’re back at Robert’s parents’ house. And Dan is in a towel. The dog is there. This is supposed to be zany, I know, but it doesn’t make sense. I’m so lost. Somebody, pass me a fish bow.
  
  p86: --MR. PENNINGTON
  If you needed money for school,
  why didn't you just ask?-- Huh? How can he say this? What does Checkers think?
  
  
  p86: Dan is suddenly a central character, whereas up to this point he had been peripheral, the comic relief. And there’s still no Sarah. If she shows up, kid in hand, and she and Robert meander into the sunset, one happy little family, I am going to lose my chicken Caesar salad. I swear I will.
  
  p86: --The doorbell rings.-- Uh oh. I feel chicken feet clawing at my esophagus.
  
  Patricia Jackman? We don’t even know her, and she shows up in the Penningtons’ living room. Should have made it Jack.
  
  p88: Ted, the tabloid reporter is also there. Okay, I’m stumped. This is odd. Not funny, just odd. And confusing as hell. Help out the poor clueless wonder (moi, that is), please.
  
  p89: --MRS. PENNINGTON
  We did what we thought was best.-- Zero on the credibility scale with these parents.
  
  p89: --sMRS. PENNINGTON
  (to Robert)
  Sorry, hon.-- Riiiight. Too little too late. Yikes, do parents like this really exist? And I just read “Bastard out of Carolina”
  
  p90: --PATRICIA JACKMAN
  I don't know what you did, but you
  made quite an impression on my
  son, Jacob. He keeps asking when
  "Robert" is coming back to play
  with him. He never does that.-- After meeting Robert once and fixing his toy truck? This kid is really easy to impress, huh? You would have to develop a relationship between Jacob and Robert for this to hold water. Maybe Robert should be the accessory nanny, not Sarah-- who, by the way, is still gone. (Do I hear another doorbell at the Pennington place?) A young male college kid as a nanny to the stars could be a cute premise for a comedy. You’d be treading a fine line as many idiots in this country find adult males with an interest in children to be creepy until proven otherwise. Too bad, and not only for screenwriters.
  
  I know. By George, I’ve got it. Jacob is really five years old and is Sarah’s kid, making Sarah the long-lost daughter (or mistress) of Jack Jackman, famous movie star. For a fee commonly known as blackmail, she’ll let the Jackmans adopt Jacob and promptly disappear from their lives. Or does she? Do I smell college tuition?
  
  p90: Hey, you took my college boy/nanny idea. :-)
  
  p93: What does the credenza have against Mr. Flanagan? And why are we meeting these characters so late in the game? His not knowing the credenza was there for fifteen years is supposed to demonstrate how out of touch he is with his wife and home environment? It just makes him seem demented. Get that man to a neurologist, pronto.
  
  p94: --ROBERT (O.S.)
  You're right. It really is
  beautiful.-- Too bad, that Ceasar salad was actually kinda tasty—the first time around.
  
  p95: Tommy is still trying to win back his college fund from Ted, and it’s all going on in the Minnesota house? The Flanagan house? What’s the time frame here? How much time has passed and why is everyone suddenly in Minnesota? Including Dan and Checkers. Damn, that dog gets around. He’s seen more of this country than I have. Why wasn't I invited?
  
  p97: --SARAH
  Mrs. Collins is happy to offer me
  my job back, with a raise. There's
  an opening for Sam, and he can
  attend free of charge.-- No, no, no. She has to work for this. I wish my life were half this easy. And during all this, Robert’s reading a newspaper? Huh?
  
  p98: --SARAH
  And, she's very excited that Jack
  Jackman has agreed to make a
  personal appearance at the school.-- For someone who invited a naked stranger into his estate? A stranger who made an indelible impression on his three year old son upon a single meeting. Okaaaay.
  
  p98: --SARAH
  Why are you doing this, Robert? We
  haven't even gone on a real first
  date yet.-- ??That’s a good question. It seems like you’ve thought about all the plot holes in this thing but chose to ignore your better judgment. Listen to that little voice in your head. This story has a lot of credibility issues that need to be addressed.
  
  p99: --Checkers barks his approval.-- Ah, finally Checkers gets his say.
  
  Thank you for sparing me the wedding and/or baby shower.
  read