Reviews of Fuzz v2 7

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  Redundant redundancy.
  A review of Fuzz v2
  by bulfo4 on 06/24/2011
  Redundant redundancy. Fuzz is based on a true story, about a soldier who bravely gives his life to save his fellow troops. The story of this soldier, Roger Young, has its ups and downs, its challenges and its triumphs. I’m sure there is a lot to his story beyond this script which is also interesting. That being said, the story is related by a songwriter who introduces the... Redundant redundancy.
  
  Fuzz is based on a true story, about a soldier who bravely gives his
  life to save his fellow troops. The story of this soldier, Roger
  Young, has its ups and downs, its challenges and its triumphs. I’m
  sure there is a lot to his story beyond this script which is also
  interesting.
  
  That being said, the story is related by a songwriter who introduces
  the movie without adding much to it, and never appearing again in a
  meaningful way. Roger Young’s story is told in probably a very
  accurate way, with very accurate dialog, but it’s in the dialog where
  the movie falls flat. The dialog is on-the-nose, redundant, obvious,
  and above all redundant. Almost every line of this movie is said at
  least twice. The characters do something, and then recount to another
  character what they just did.
  
  The characters come across as flat and one-dimensional. The action is
  very straight forward. There’s no conflict anywhere in the script.
  Things happen, but there’s no jeopardy, and it plays out as just
  plodding through one minor, minor event after another. The battle at
  the end is almost interesting, but there’s nothing original about how
  it’s told, and because we don’t care about the characters, it feels
  obligatory. What’s the overall story arc? Who grows? What are they
  learning? What are they really risking? Soldiers risk it all when they
  go into battle. But a soldier losing his life is only impactful if we
  know what his life was really about. Roger had a uninteresting
  childhood, an uninteresting job, under-developed friends and family,
  and a pretty standard military career. He may have died, but if he
  really lived, we didn’t really see it.
  
  This story could be told in a really good 30 pages. There may be more
  story worth adding to it to flesh it out to feature-length. Maybe have the songwriter as a storyteller more, with his first pass at the song only based on the report, and him digging to find out more about Roger throughout the script and how hearing Roger's story affects him.
  
  
  Pg 16-21 – Roger wakes up and is lucky to not have been more seriously
  injured. Re-read this scene and see how many times the charcters
  repeatedly talk about the same things over and over again. It’s a
  pivotal scene reduced by the dialog.
  
  Pg 60 – The best part of the script is describing how Walter falls in
  the mud puddle and the effects of it afterwards. Funny, realistic. Not
  over-told.
  
  Pg 66 – History Lessons – too much told in an uninteresting way. Don’t
  waste pages in this way.
  
  Pg 67-68 – Description says they’re waiting for FDR’s addres. Nick
  says “FDR should be on any minute.” Radio announcer explains Roosevelt
  has an announcement. Webb runs in and asks “Is president Roosevelt on
  yet?” Esther says “he’s coming on now.”
  
  History Lessons. Everything FDR says is basically a history lesson
  that’s been told by various characters so far over and over, and feels
  like it’s for the benefit of those who don’t know anything about
  history. In a movie, cut to what’s relevant. Bottom line is that
  they’re training for war and they could get shipped out. The news
  recaps get this across in a very effective manner later on. Just use
  that.
  
  Pg 69-70 – Nick and Webb both cheezily talk about ‘if the war comes
  looking for them.’ As readers, we know it will. The characters don’t,
  pointing it out like this makes them seem clueless. Of course they’ll
  be in combat if ‘the war comes looking for them.’
  
  Pg 106 – The climax was in Roger being killed. Explaining what
  happened over and over and over again with characters saying it to
  each other over and over and over is redundant and makes the script
  lose impact very fast. Anyone reading the script or watching the movie
  knows he’s a hero and he saved a lot of men. You don’t have to say
  that again afterwards. Then, at the end, the formal write-up recounds
  what happened AGAIN, and in a very formal way. Having someone talk
  that’s giving anything else about Roger could be revealing and
  interesting. The big ‘memorial speech at the end’ doesn’t have to be
  at the funeral even. The funeral could be silent and have the
  ‘speechy’ part be before it or after. read
• 
  Review of Fuzz
  A review of Fuzz v2
  by Pmitch on 06/20/2011
  Story of Seargant Robert Young who gave his life to protect his platoon from Japanese machine gun fire during WWII and received the Medal of Honor. Young had to overcome a lack of hearing and a short height. Characters were well defined. Dialogue was interesting with good descriptions of the boot camp and family. The third act showed Seargant Young's bravery and built up... Story of Seargant Robert Young who gave his life to protect his platoon from Japanese machine gun fire during WWII and received the Medal of Honor. Young had to overcome a lack of hearing and a short height.
  
  Characters were well defined. Dialogue was interesting with good descriptions of the boot camp and family. The third act showed Seargant Young's bravery and built up the suspense.
  
  Suggestions for improvement: Develop a love relationship with someone at home (sweatheart). Show mom reading letters from the battlefield. Build up the drama. Page 33: Roger's score? Page 53: Introduce Marshall. Some of the blocks of diaglogue were too long, put in breaking action (no more than 3 lines of dialogue at a time). Put in a change of pace in the middle of the script (Young missing home).
  
  Overall, I was glad to see a screenplay like this. At one time, screenplays about soldiers were very common. A good reminder of those who sacrificed so much for our country.
  read
• 
  I Enjoyed This Script
  A review of Fuzz v2
  by cbaldwin31 on 06/19/2011
  I enjoyed the story very much. I've always been a fan of WWII stories and found myself drawn into it as a result. I really liked your opening with the writer doing research for the song. It made me want to find out what did this guy do that was so great that a song was wrote about him. I also liked the title. Fuzz obviously is an appropriate title for the script and... I enjoyed the story very much. I've always been a fan of WWII stories and found myself drawn into it as a result.
  
  I really liked your opening with the writer doing research for the song. It made me want to find out what did this guy do that was so great that a song was wrote about him.
  
  I also liked the title. Fuzz obviously is an appropriate title for the script and a great nickname. I can picture the "Fuzz" flying when the rabbit was shot.
  
  One of your strengths is your descriptions, which also though at times in a screeplay, can be too much.
  
  I'm curious as to whether this was a true story or something you created. I thought the story really picked up and peaked during the combat scenes. I was hoping for more of them. Maybe you could add a scene of two where we Rodger's hearing does harm the unit. I can't speak for everyone, but I enjoyed your combat scene very much and would have liked to see more.
  
  I think you did a great job with the characters descriptions and development. One thing I would have like to see is Rodger in a relationship. I think a female character would add a lot to the story and increase our emotional attachment to Rodger.
  
  One thing I've noticed that I would like to see changed is the language/dialogue is way too formal. People back then didn't speak so eloquently. Rodger especially would not speak so well as he dropped out of high school. His lack of education would prevent him from speaking so good. The Army dialogue is too formal as well. Didn't they cuss or swear then? That would add some realism. I think you could change the dialogue and make it less formal. It would feel more real that way.
  
  Something I mentioned earlier as a strength is your descriptions. It's great when it comes to characters, but the action sequences should be tighter as far as the descriptions. For example, p. 23 starting with scene at the Young House (Kitchen)- Day, you write the Rodger realizes that he won't be able to finish his studies. The audience won't know that. You should try and limit the descriptions as to what we (the audience can see). That section could be like this, "Rodger is sitting at the kitchen table looking a piece of paper. We see it is his grades. As he reads the paper, he shakes his head. A tear rolls down his cheek". I noticed several places in the script where you can tighten this up.
  
  Something else I've noticed (and only because it's my biggest weakness when I write and people are all over me for it) is when to end a scene. You're telling a story in moments. This isn't a novel where you need to show the beginning and end. It's ok to end a scene early. An examples is the scene on p.26-27. The paragraph on p. 27 in that scene really isn't necessary. You could have ended it when the dialogue ended on p. 26.
  
  You also reference Fuzz's size and how hard he works several times. I think it's ok to mention it a couple of times, but any more than that and it feels like it's forced.
  
  You really, really know your history and the subject matter there. It's very impressive. However, when his parent's talk about the rise of Germany, I wonder how appropriate that is. Would they really be that knowledgable? Also, the montages you have which lists all the events leading up to WWII and Rodger shipping out are probably unnecssary. We (the audience) know what happened.
  
  Overall, I really liked the story. If you can work on the things that I mentioned, I think this could be something special. I enjoyed reading your script.
  
  If you have any other particular questions, please don't hesistate to ask me. I'm happy to throw my $.02 in.
  
  Best of luck! Keep up the great work!! read
• 
  Fuzz v2
  A review of Fuzz v2
  by Blake421 on 06/19/2011
  Interesting way to open the film. You’ve set the tone of the room very nicely. The interview is a little long and I don’t think we need to see so many flash backs close together. Page 4 – We don’t need to be reminded of his awards again quite so quickly. It seems like they are over emphasized by being mentioned twice within as many pages. Also, something isn’t sitting right... Interesting way to open the film. You’ve set the tone of the room very nicely. The interview is a little long and I don’t think we need to see so many flash backs close together.
  
  Page 4 – We don’t need to be reminded of his awards again quite so quickly. It seems like they are over emphasized by being mentioned twice within as many pages. Also, something isn’t sitting right about a private first class ordering a list of MoH recipients.
  
  Page 5 – Format – Loesser’s dialogue is broken up for no reason on the bottom half of the page.
  
  Page 8 – shotgun slug out of a rabbit? I don’t think there’d be any rabbit left.
  
  21 – pacing so far is excellent. I can see the basketball game coming to an abrupt halt followed by the doctor, the silence. Everything. Very good.
  
  24 – Rodger’s conversation with his mother seems to repeat itself. It could be cut down
  
  29 – Rodger’s line “But what about my hearing?” too on the nose. This is what the audience is thinking, he doesn’t need to vocalize it.
  
  30 – “Hey – here we are!” reads very strangely. Imagine yourself saying it as you pull in some where. Say it aloud. Very unnatural.
  
  32 – I don’t recall a whole lot of yelling from sergeants in All Quiet on the Western Front. You may also want to check when that was translated to English and published here in the states.
  
  39 – these last 15 pages have really slowed down. I don’t feel like the characters progressed at all other than physically checking out the National Guard. The welder’s shop was a good scene, but the boys going to the concert and the whole national guard scene was so slow. It could be cut way down.
  
  43 – the line “here comes the fun part” is odd. Would Rodger and Walter be chattering with each other, or scrambling off the bus? Cutting the dialogue here would help speed up the movie.
  
  46 – FORMAT -- I’m not sure if I’m just noticing it again, but your dialogue is broken up into different sections from the same character.
  
  49- Yes, he’s short. He has to keep harder to keep up on the 5 mile march. He has to work harder to climb stuff. He has a hard time seeing. He’s physically at a disadvantage. We get it.
  
  53 – I like the idea of the conversation between the drill sergeants and Rodger, but it could be trimmed. It seems like we are hearing so much that we’ve already seen. Yes, Rodger has been hunting since he was a kid. The drill instructors shouldn’t care about that – they just care that Rodger is helping improve the squad. Why does Rodger say it won’t be long before we are home again only to cut to the Young home with Rodger outside?! They would be home much more quickly if you cut that line. They could be home in two seconds for the audience!
  
  58 – It seems like you’re speaking through Nick for a history lesson to the audience. I don’t want to know that you are very good with history through strangely forced dialogue with Nick and Esther. They live it every day. How often do you talk about Gadaffi and which towns he is taking or losing? It’s like they’re saying “here are all of our fears that you 21st century folks already know are going to happen. Please donate your sympathy now.”
  
  60 – FORMAT – the cover video thing is a weird format issue. I think you need a new slug line with FLASH BACK or FLASH TO
  
  73- who is George?
  
  74- So now we are finally in the war. I like that you’ve built up Rodger as much as you have, but it really feels like the war should have come much earlier. Until he goes to war there is no conflict from when he thinks about joining up with the national guard until the machine gun nest fires on his squad. There aren’t even any set ups to be paid off at this point. Earlier, we had been worried about him even being able to join because of his hearing and vision. You set that up with the idea that “doctors will poke and prod” him to make sure he checks out. That could have been a great moment of suspense! Does Rodger get in? Does he have to be stuck with office only work? His dream is to make it in and it happens without conflict. Seems like a major missed opportunity. When he does get in, we have nothing more than firing drills and the boys complaining about PT. No conflict makes for little excitement.
  
  76 – Whitey saying he’s a horrible fisherman has sort of driven the point home that his character is rather flat. He’s pale. One distinguishing quality. His dialogue is no different than any other bit part. Is he a little more slack jawed? Is he an idealist? A pompous academic? He doesn’t need a huge back story, but could use some defining characteristic other than he is pale.
  
  77 – FORMAT – not add video. You need a transition of DISSOLVE TO and a slug line of MONTAGE: INT. TENT – DAY
  
  77 – Rodger says it himself – the monotony of training. Seems to be a bunch of that in the script so far. Why put the audience through the monotony of training?
  
  80 – Rodger, “ Did I ever tell you you’re a great friend, Walt?” Read it out loud if you want to keep it.
  
  81 – Another letter montage sequence? Why are we watching Rodger write letters? What is the pay off?
  
  83 – Finally! Some conflict pay off! We’ve heard about the hearing problems before, but since school, PAGE 20, this is the first time it has become an issue. Will Rodger be able to continue to operate in the military? A great hook, but it would have been perfect at page 50.
  
  86 – FORMAT - great scene inside Rodger’s head, but it needs slug lines. EXT. JUNGLE – DAY – RODGER’S IMAGINATION
  
  88 – I don’t understand the interaction between Warner and Thurman. Why is Warner asking advice from a private?
  
  90- Battalion Doc “But the biggest part of them will be fighting for each other” – lose that line.
  
  92 – Rodger and Whitey’s dialogue is rough. “We’ll find out about it in three days”. So will the audience. No need to preface what we are going to see with clunky dialogue.
  
  96 – If Martin comes over and relay’s the captain’s orders, why do we need to hear them twice?
  
  101 – Hail to the emperor? I’d cut that line. These Japanese riflemen are real people, not cartoon villains.
  
  108 – typo “You now it’s funny” should be changed to “you know”
  
  112 – how many times is Frankel going to repeat that Rigby and Fuzz were childhood friends?
  
  116- FORMAT – camera moves are usually left for directors.
  
  So, it seems like you need to close the frame to the story. We open with that guy being interviewed, the movie needs to close that way. Feels like a loose end. There is a lot of potential in this script but it needs to be tightened down and hard. Too much of the dialogue seems to be saying exactly what just happened, a little bit of exposition, and then what is going to happen next. We don’t need to be told all of that – we can see it. Use the voices of the characters to show us who they are and what they’re feeling, not what they’re expecting to do or have just completed doing.
  
  It’s a great story that just needs some strict tightening up. Dialogue format, and structure seem to be the biggest draw backs. Like a well disciplined soldier, get back to work and crank out a great new draft! read
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  Johnny Comes Marchin' Home
  A review of Fuzz v2
  by BlackGlass on 06/13/2011
  I am a fan of war movies. Second World War is always a good backdrop for great action and personal loss. I like the idea of the story you are telling. Going from Rodger’s boyhood right through into the war. My only problem is that it takes so long to get there. You have many unnecessary scenes, like the hunting scene, or the long hospital scene, even the opening with Loesser... I am a fan of war movies. Second World War is always a good backdrop for great action and personal loss. I like the idea of the story you are telling. Going from Rodger’s boyhood right through into the war.
  
  My only problem is that it takes so long to get there. You have many unnecessary scenes, like the hunting scene, or the long hospital scene, even the opening with Loesser could be shorted, or cut completely. And Roger’s VO (letter to his parents) is also too long. Maybe even superfluous.
  
  Try substituting your long blocks of text for simple images that relate what you are trying to get across. Try limiting your descriptions to one, two, three lines. Four tends to be the limit. You writing is clear and sharp, and I like the screenplay, but it needs to be tightened and shortened to about 100 pages. Let me know if you do a redraft, and I'll read it again.
  
  Various Pages: Blank spaces in dialogue.
  
  You jump from a scene heading into dialogue.
  
  Jump from dialogue into scene heading.
  
  There are various formatting mistakes. But I’m sure you have already been made aware of them.
  
  I like the story, and the writing, just need to slim it down, get to the point quicker. Writing is rewriting. All the best. read
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  Well Researched, Powerful Ending
  A review of Fuzz v2
  by Johnstone82 on 06/08/2011
  Historical specs based on World War 2 are not uncommon, especially on Triggerstreet. What I liked about this one was its concept: a frame narrative following the heroic efforts of an American soldier in the Pacific. Instead of a grizzled, war-torn soldier, we have Fuzz, a dedicated man struggling to overcome his failing eyesight and hearing while serving his country. His... Historical specs based on World War 2 are not uncommon, especially on Triggerstreet. What I liked about this one was its concept: a frame narrative following the heroic efforts of an American soldier in the Pacific. Instead of a grizzled, war-torn soldier, we have Fuzz, a dedicated man struggling to overcome his failing eyesight and hearing while serving his country. His shortcomings made his character real, and I applaud that.
  
  Additionally, I found this script very well researched. You knew what you were doing when writing about the squads’ withdrawal. You also knew and displayed your knowledge of military protocol and organization.
  
  Another great part of this script was the sequence from 93-104. The action came alive and tension ran high. While there were some stylistic/formatting problems, this sequence managed to plow through it, delivering pages filled with action and suspense. And Fuzz’s sacrifice at the end capped off a ten-plus page ride.
  
  Aside from these wonderful strengths in your spec, I think we can examine a few points that will help strengthen subsequent drafts:
  
  “Format and Style”: I put this suggestion first because I think it plays a huge role in whether or not someone buys into your script and dedicates themselves to 116 pages. Many of your action lines build to lengthy paragraphs (see page 13 as an example); your montages are formatted incorrectly; and such editing notes as “the scene dissolves to later” work against the presentation of your script (47). What I suggest is checking out Trottier’s “The Screenwriter’s Bible” (if you haven’t already), and also reading some other really good specs on this site or even produced specs in order to get a feel for how to craft your scenes.
  
  “Dialogue, Exposition”: I think you could really trim a lot of your dialogue in this script. Everyone seems to have a mouthful to say and the subtext is non-existent. Don’t get me wrong, there’s some good dialogue, too, and some of it feels quite natural; unfortunately, the long winded speeches bog your pacing down a bit.
  
  “Second Act”: I think moving the beginning of the second act up to about page 25 or so would help the script’s flow immensely. We don’t seem to have this act break until 42, when Fuzz begins his training. Up until then, we kind of meander about the first act, establishing a lot about Fuzz but also “wasting” a lot of pages (I say “waste” not because the previous pages are unimportant, but because pages are valuable and a 41-page first act is not entirely appealing to most readers and producers). Get us into his experience in the military faster, is all I can suggest. Deliver on your logline.
  
  “The First Ten”: I’ll be honest, because I think you deserve it as a writer. The first ten pages are boring. You set up a frame narrative, which I like, actually. But I think we need is a stronger hook in the beginning. Make the reader want to find out what happens next. Increase the dramatic tension. I’m not saying throw in some ninjas that hold Loesser hostage unless he tells them a grand tale of a medal of honor recipient. But make the reader want to know more. Hell, make the character want more. Introduce a desire, and then throw in an obstacle.
  
  Once again, I enjoyed the concept and am incredibly impressed with the amount of knowledge it takes to write a script like this. There are some times when you read something that lacks any sort of research or knowledge into the subject and its execution suffers accordingly. This does not occur here. You bring us to boot camp, drills, battle, and we can feel it. As I stated earlier, the climax of the script is beautiful, the emotions high. Thanks for sharing and good luck! read
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  Review of Fuzz
  A review of Fuzz v2
  by falconer21 on 06/08/2011
  I’m generally a fan of WWI movies. But I had a few major issues with this script. The first, and most important is lack of conflict. Ideally every scene needs to have conflict otherwise its just exposition. Unfortunately in this script the opposite is true. Most scenes are exposition and there is very little conflict. On your next draft, go through every scene and examine...
  I’m generally a fan of WWI movies. But I had a few major issues with this script. The first, and most important is lack of conflict. Ideally every scene needs to have conflict otherwise its just exposition. Unfortunately in this script the opposite is true. Most scenes are exposition and there is very little conflict. On your next draft, go through every scene and examine whether or not there is any conflict in the scene. If not, the scene is most likely not necessary and the information convey through the scene can be conveyed another way. There’s a great chapter in Story by Robert McKee where he goes through an example of conflict and subtext buried in the dialogue in Casablanca. I strongly recommend that you review this chapter.
  
  Speaking of dialogue, there is way too much dialogue in this script. Much of it is used to explain things that can be better conveyed through action (show don’t tell), has already been explained by someone else, or has no relevance to the story and doesn’t need to be there in the first place. I recommend for your next draft you go through each line of dialogue and ask yourself the following questions:
  
  (1) does this line need to be here in the first place? Will the audience’s engagement to the central story be significantly damaged if this line isn’t here?
  (2) Does the audience already know this information? If so, lose the line.
  (3) If it’s just describing events that have occurred, can it be replaced by actual action scenes? Most likely the answer is yes.
  (4) Can what was said be said in fewer words? A general rule is that dialogue lines should not exceed 4 lines on the page.
  
  Structurally, there are only two major events in this story. The first is the basketball incident and the second is when he dies. Two events are not enough to sustain a full length feature. You need to develop a structure that will show Rodger’s constant attempts to struggle against his antagonist. In this case, it’s his lack of confidence due to his disability. I suggest you find a film with a similar struggle – I suggest the king’s speech. Get the script (probably on the internet somewhere). Buy the DVD so you can watch scenes over and over while you read the script. Examine every scene to understand how each one serves to show his struggle. The result is to either increase his confidence (protagonist wins) or decrease his confidence (antagonist wins – protagonist is set back). Also examine each scene for conflict. Either internally or with another character, like the brother, the father, and the speech therapist character – he has conflicts with each one of these characters – and so does Rodger.
  
  After you’ve gone through this exercise. Use King’s speech (or another film you admire and deem suitable) as a template to re-format your structure. Replace Colin firth’s character with Rodger and change the setting. Change other elements to make the story make sense, and that will give you a solid starting point for a great story. The premise here is a good one, but you’ll need more than that if you ever want it to get made.
  
  Page notes:
  
  2 - Loesser’s appearance?
  
  2, 3 – Too much exposition. Show don’t tell!
  
  4 – Don’t have characters talking to themselves to convey information. Find another way. Even better, ask yourself whether this information is already self-evident.
  
  11 and various pages - Don’t leave a blank line in the middle of dialogue. Use parentheticals like (beat) if you want a pause.
  
  14 – This is information we already know. This entire conversation between walter and the student is redundant. Get rid of it.
  
  16 – We don’t need the doctor to recite the medical textbook. Just say “He needs to get to a hospital.” The concussion can be revealed at the hospital.
  
  22 – Is the Pythagorean theorem critical to this story? No. So get rid of this huge block of dialogue. You don’t need this much just to convey that she was teaching a lesson.
  
  33 – its page 33, and there’s no conflict. I’m starting to lose interest. Where is the antagonist?
  
  34 – This whole sequence at the shooring range is completely exposition. Most of it can go.
  
  42 – Finally in the military. This event should have happened on page 20 or thereabouts.
  
  50 – page 50 and still no antagonist or conflict. I have to be honest with you. I’ve lost interest at this point. And so will all but the most ardent of WWII buffs.
  
  51 – Show don’t tell! If this squad is posting the best scores, then show them firing and hitting the targets! Don’t have characters subsequently explaining that they are hitting the targets. This is a film, not a play. We need to see action!
  
  57 – This is a screenplay, not a history lesson. Cut the details so that we know how the characters feel about it, and nothing more than that.
  
  60- change ‘voiceover’ to ‘V.O.’
  
  60 – again you’re using dialogue to describe narrative action. Instead, just describe the action with action lines and set the scene at the boot camp while its happening!
  
  64 – Still no sign of conflict. Everyone’s getting along with each other great. Pure harmony and satisfaction is good in real life but a screenplay requires conflict. Every scene needs to have conflict or it doesn’t really need to be there.
  
  68- This FDR radio address cannot be left as is in its entirety. An audience cannot sit there and listen to dialogue for 2 straight minutes uninterrupted. That’s not how film works. Keep the important points and cut the rest.
  
  70 – Again, this is not a history class. Pick 2 or 3 of the salient events and cut the rest.
  
  74 – By now these are trained professionals at war. Why are talking? Just show them doing what they’ve been trained to do.
  
  78 – use action lines, not parantheticals. For the video.
  
  80 – when are they gonna stop training and start fighting? This story needs some action!
  
  84 – this is the first occasion where the disability has some significant effect on the military story. This kind of thing needs to happen much sooner.
  
  86- Finally we’re getting some conflict! Roger struggling against the antagonistic force – his disability.
  
  88 – warner needs to be angrier here. Create some conflict!
  
  90 – This speech by the Doc is so clichéd. Strongly recommend that you lose it.
  
  96- You don’t need 3 separate people explaining the same battle plan. Have one person give the orders and then follow through with the action. We’ll understand that the instructions have been passed down the chain.
  
  100 – This scene in Japanese is not necessary. Its already been explained that they can’t move.
  
  102 – I don’t understand the reasoning behind this suicide mission here. There needs to be an emotional impetus. We need to know why Rodger is so willing to sacrifice his life here. Need to show that he has nothing to lose. Right now, he’s got plenty to lose – his friends, his family, fishing, etc. Why throw it all away? Why not listen to his commander and stay under cover until reinforcements arrive? His actions don’t make sense at the moment.
  
  103 – No caps on Rodger.
  
  104 – Nice analogy with the basketball. Well done.
  
  110 – Again, theres no conflict. Everyone’s just agreeing with each other, which makes the scene boring as hell. One of the senior officers has to oppose the citation in some way to create conflict. That may or may not be historically accurate, but this is a screenplay. You need conflict to make the scene engaging.
  
  116 – If you’re not going to bring it back to the Loesser interview at the end, then lose the whole Loesser thing at the beginning and start the screenplay with Rodger’s story. That is what I would recommend.
  
  Good luck with the script. On your next draft make sure there conflict of some sort in every single scene. read