Reviews of Garbagetown 13

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  What a Terrific Piece of Junk!
  A review of Garbagetown
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 07/18/2009
  Terrific fun, tight script – almost airtight. A testament to great preparation and execution, and yet you still manage to bring so much life and inventiveness to formula. Well-planned, and it shows. Impressive and charming, moves at a clip, I could gush for awhile about this script. Read it with a permanent grin on my face. No issues with the concept in and of itself – it’s... Terrific fun, tight script – almost airtight. A testament to great preparation and execution, and yet you still manage to bring so much life and inventiveness to formula. Well-planned, and it shows. Impressive and charming, moves at a clip, I could gush for awhile about this script. Read it with a permanent grin on my face.
  
  No issues with the concept in and of itself – it’s terrific – but I wonder how marketable an animated feature film for the 30+ crowd is, though I’m sure you’ve considered this. The market exists in TV, which spills over to features, but I don’t know about breaking the ice with a non-established animated world that’s not built specifically for kids (with plenty of nods to their parents, of course). This isn’t something parents could really take their kids to. Can always “kiddify” it if that’s what it takes to sell, I guess.
  
  5 - I put the “hip” in hyphenate. – too fast on the wit button, and probably not funny enough to garner a laugh. I dunno, just didn’t sound right.
  
  8 - scum bag – one word
  
  12 – the time transition here is awkward. Assume it’s the owners throwing them in the trash. Feels like your’re missing a slugline and new scene here. Or a confrontation between the teens and the owners.
  
  I guess the Michael J stuff has to go now…or wait a few more months.
  
  Intro of Prescott is priceless!
  
  32 – PLATEU/PLATEAU
  
  46 – whole/hole
  
  46 – could use a moment of creaking or otherwise ill-health for Excavadora to jusity the oil suggestion.
  
  Tension builds nicely when Wally and Nomar are doing recon and planning their approach. All of this is lost when they escape with Atari so quickly. The following sequence in Garbagetown feels like the epilogue, the final victory lap of the entire movie. This is by design, I realize, but I would take another look at the proportion here. I feel there’s too much down time.
  
  I can’t handle the sight of cotton. – beautiful line!
  
  Might as well make full use of the briefcase. Could use a moment where the dogs of war are made to smell it, thus helping them track the scent of Garbagetown.
  
  Lastly, the logline – nothing “timid” about the Nomar, really. I mean, he’s shy to ask Flora out, but he’s not shy about bragging, exaggerating and showing off.
  
  You’ve got to be tremendously proud of this one. Great script, great writing sample. Looking forward to reading other scripts of yours that come down the pipeline. Thanks for all the fnu! read
• 
  I’m Sorry I Tea Bagged You (or “Kindly Jiggle My Ballcock”)
  A review of Garbagetown
  by MSchmidt13 on 05/29/2008
  These are a few of my general thoughts as I read the script. Page 8 - I'd suggest a more suspenseful build-up of the garbage truck. Maybe it rumbles into view and roars down the road, unseen to our heroes until it is too late. That SOBing garbage truck should be the first villain. Why no personality for him? He should be some big, dopey sociopath that grabs anything he can!... These are a few of my general thoughts as I read the script.
  
  Page 8 - I'd suggest a more suspenseful build-up of the garbage truck. Maybe it rumbles into view and roars down the road, unseen to our heroes until it is too late.
  
  That SOBing garbage truck should be the first villain. Why no personality for him? He should be some big, dopey sociopath that grabs anything he can!
  
  I wish we could have shown more of the industrialization of lawn gnoming and gotten a peek at Nomar's "office" and "co-workers".
  
  14 - The other side's sense of sentient life is both hilarious and terrifying. Chocolate cake has feelings? But I love cake! I’m going to have nightmares about Jack O Lanterns being murdered.
  
  29 - You slide the end of Act 1 in just before the 30-minute mark. Some folks want this done sooner but I usually look for it around this point.
  
  Who is our protagonist? That would be Nomar, the boastful yet cowardly lawn gnome and his sidekick Wally, a good natured tank mailbox. Both characters are charming by this point. The ringer that they are initially put through sure makes us feel sorry for the little bastards. Poor Nomar lost both his arms!
  
  What is their goal? At this point they want help getting back home. Our toilet friend needs someone to rescue an old Atari computer console and will only help Nomar and Wally if they retrieve.
  
  The goals in “Garbagetown” develop and change quickly but Nomar keeps him the same motivations: Impress Flora and get home.
  
  Who or what stands in their way? An army of bulldozers in a junkyard wasteland. For a modest garden gnome that's quite the opposition.
  
  36 – Nomar’s Van Damme moment should appear as more of a mistake. The way it is written may not make it appear as a happy accident but rather as Nomar suddenly doing something badass.
  
  40 – I love Nomar’s catch phrase. I love it. But you ditch it after this point. “I always knew it would be bulldozers”, dammit!
  
  74 – I’d drop this Rat Pack scene or save it for later. We should be focusing on that “all is lost” moment of this story. The dozer army should seem unstoppable as they prepare to smash our defenseless town!
  
  81 – I forgot all about Nomar’s little run in with the methane flare. Couldn’t we reinforce this idea earlier on? Maybe Garbagetown has a myth about the dragon that rests outside of their borders and they warn Nomar about it before he goes on his initial voyage to save Atari? Nomar sees the “dragon”. It looks terrifying so he and Wally avoided it – until now.
  
  97 – I couldn’t help but think it would be great to have a moment reminiscent of the film “freaks”. Now it is time for the Garbagetown residents to turn the dozers into fellow trash. Hell, the broken ones should be accepted into the city after all is said and done. “We will make you one of us!”
  
  In the end how do I feel?
  
  Garbagetown can probably best be described as "Toy Story" meets “Escape From New York” for college kids who are probably on drugs. I say this because of certain references that will fly over a child’s head (The two Coreys?) but I mean it as a compliment.
  
  It translates perfectly to any audience. Some jokes will make the little sister laugh and some jokes will make the older brother laugh. Something that everyone can enjoy is rare and when a script I read has that quality I almost always recommend it.
  
  It was very easy for me to see all of this stuff happening in my head. I could imagine all of this stuff done in computer animation.
  
  Certain lines made me wince (“That’s ammmore!”) but the overall dialogue was simple and strong. Most the gags deliver and the action and adventure is exciting enough to keep a four year old entertained for an hour or two.
  
  “Garbagetown” is begging for the Pixar/Dreamworks treatment. I enjoyed it and can't find many faults with it. Good luck and cheers! read
• 
  Great script, tough concept to sell
  A review of Garbagetown
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 05/27/2008
  This script is incredibly creative, you must've had a blast writing it. Little touches like the pogs lining the streets of Garbagetown are excellent. I'm having a little bit of trouble figuring out who your target market is. At times, the humor seems like it's aimed toward little kids, but you use a lot of words that most kids under ten wouldn't get. In some of these cases,... This script is incredibly creative, you must've had a blast writing it. Little touches like the pogs lining the streets of Garbagetown are excellent.
  
  I'm having a little bit of trouble figuring out who your target market is. At times, the humor seems like it's aimed toward little kids, but you use a lot of words that most kids under ten wouldn't get. In some of these cases, kids will still get the gist of what's going on, but in some of them they'll probably be left a little bit clueless.
  
  The references to Cosmo and Vogue pose similar problems, although those are examples of things that little kids will probably get the gist of.
  
  The biggest problem as far as trying to reach a specific target market is that this script is pretty violent for a kid's movie, but too lighthearted for a movie aimed at teens.
  
  How big is Nomar? At the beginning of the script I figured he was less than a foot tall, but by using things like golf balls and garden spades, you're making him out to be three feet tall or more. I'm confused.
  
  Some page specific notes:
  
  Pg 7 - For some reason, the part where Flora gets taken seems to happen just a little too suddenly. Problem is, I'm having trouble figuring out why I think that. It's set up just fine, Flora leaning against the trash can and all, but it just seems too...sudden. Maybe a shot or two of the garbage coming down the street? Perhaps she doesn't get thrown into the truck quite so quickly? Maybe she grabs onto a nearby (insert something here), gives the garbage truck a little bit of trouble taking her, but it tears one of her arms a little bit forcing her to let go, and there she goes. Making it take longer will add a bit of suspense though. Plus, if you tear one of her arms a bit, it gives her a little bit of a handicap down the road, and Nomar can fix it!
  
  Also, Nomar and Wally's reactions don't seem very fitting for watching someone being taken off to their doom.
  
  Pg 12 - Allow just a litle bit of time to pass here before Nomar and Wally get put in the trash cans. Perhaps the daylight fades quickly, or you simply cut to a new slugline that says "LATER".
  
  Pg 13 - This may end up working, but right now it seems excessively dark beating up your two main characters this much.
  
  Pg 14 - The thing with Nomar's arms will work better if you end his dialogue on "Thank God!" and skip the "You complete me" part.
  
  Pg 15 - If you're aiming this at kids, the bit where the masks get crushed is way too violent. Especially for this early in the script.
  
  Pg 17 - Love the bit where Wally changes his attitude and says "Perform beautiful aerial maneuvers". That was a good one!
  
  Pg 19 - Maybe you should use a marble instead of a golf ball. If you sand off the sides of a golf ball, you're going to get to the insides pretty quick, and that's not going to work quite as well.
  
  Pg 30 - How does Flora know so much about the place having only been there one day longer than Nomar and Wally.
  
  pg 36 - I don't understand why they're in the command center now. Shouldn't this scene have taken place earlier?
  
  pg 43 - Atari having a Japanese accent is a little un-PC, but funny and works well for the character. I like it. The whole torture scene is hilarious, the can of soda and magnet. Good stuff.
  
  Pg 46 - I love the bit where Excavadora smashes down on them and you reveal Nomar digging away. Very good. Although I did see a typo here, you wrote, "Nothing, just a deep whole." Change "whole" to "hole".
  
  Pg 48 - I think Atari's very broken English pushes the stereotype just a tad too far. I'd say keep the accent, but have him speak more fluent English.
  
  Pg 50 - "Kindly jingle my ballcock." Haha...oh man.
  
  Pg 73 - Although the rats chewing through Excavadora's wires is a great idea, it doesn't work very well here because of the lack of tension. What if they chew through the wiring while they're on the move, about to invade? That way they're chewing on a moving vehicle, amid moving parts. Way more fun.
  
  Pg 81 - "Easy as a third grader's spelling test." This is one of the best things about your script. All of your characters are incredibly unique and fun. You do a great job giving them all their own voices, even the minor ones.
  
  Pg 95 - You need to show why the trap didn't work completely.
  
  Well, I have to say, this was a great read. Great characters, great story.
  
  The concept is very interesting. It's a high concept idea, but it's not very commercial. It doesn't have a specific target market, which is going to make it very hard to sell. On top of that, if it's very hard to sell a spec script, it's virtually impossible to sell a spec animation script. Finally, you're up against the upcoming Pixar movie Wall-E, set in a landfill. That's going to make it extra hard to sell this. Unfortunately, as well written as this script is, I just can't see it selling.
  
  Because of how tough it would be to sell this script to a large market, I'm giving it a "consider". After all, movie making is a business, and animation is incredibly expensive. If you can't guarantee that enough people will see the movie to make a profit, it's not worth making it at all.
  
  That said, it's very well written. The characters are great, the dialogue's great, and it's hilarious. If it wasn't for the marketability issue, I'd think this is definitely something that could be sold. I'd absolutely recommend entering it into some contests, because this is good enough that I could see it placing in some of the bigger ones and at least earning you some money and connections that way.
  
  Although it obviously wouldn't be as satisfying as selling this script, you could probably use it as a writing sample to help you get work. It really is quite good. If you're looking to break into animation, this is a pretty good sample to have.
  
  Anyway, it was a great read, and I hope it brings you some future success! read
• 
  GARBAGETOWN on its way to TINSELTOWN
  A review of Garbagetown
  by dmlovic on 05/13/2008
  GARBAGETOWN Grabagetown is a script that obeys pretty much every story convention Disney ever invented and, as a result, really, really works. I have the sense that the writer had his text book next to him as he wrote, making sure every story, every arc, every character was exactly as the book says. I should be so smart! From beginning to end, the story simply works. The... GARBAGETOWN
  
  Grabagetown is a script that obeys pretty much every story convention Disney ever invented and, as a result, really, really works. I have the sense that the writer had his text book next to him as he wrote, making sure every story, every arc, every character was exactly as the book says. I should be so smart!
  
  From beginning to end, the story simply works. The characters are all very likeable and creative. The jokes are, in general, spot-on (except for a few generational jokes that went right by me). I could easily see this as the next PIXAR film. And I think it would do extremely well at the box office. It's part DISNEY, part SHREK.
  
  There are no comments I could make in regard to the formatting of the screenplay or the overall arc of the stroy, because as I said, it's all by the book. The only comments I had as I read are listed below.
  
  I wish the writer luck -- I can imagine this script being optioned and moving you from Graduate school to the actual industry very soon. I'll be very disappointed if that's not the case. This is a film I'd take my kids to see.
  
  
  Notes as I read Garbagetown:
  
  Page 20:
  The whole Michael Jackson thing was very funny.
  
  Page 22:
  There was a joke here that I think referred to Jonathan Taylor Thomas, who was after my time. But the problem is, you have to write jokes for people MY age or the age of my kids. I feel like this one falls in the middle. (Although my wife just said she would have gotten this, but she's 6 years younger than me.) I guess just take it as a reminder that the jokes can't be aimed at all for YOUR age group. They have to be jokes that either the Parents or the kids will get.
  
  Page 42, bottom:
  Once again -- children in their seats will be crying their eyes out if you do this. You can kill characters in a childrens film -- or even severely maim them. This isn't my opinion, this is the empirical evidence gathered by raising two kids.
  
  Page 43, bottom:
  can reboot you all night long.
  ATARI
  Kiss my hard drive! J. J. J. J. J.
  The tip of the dozer’s crane holds down Atari’s “J” key.
  ATARI
  You must stop that!
  
  I'm not sure what Atari system you're talking about, but on the main atari 2600, there were no J keys.
  
  A thought -- While ATARI had no keyboard or anything, the big computer back then was the COMMODORE 64. I could see this character being called COMMODORE instead, which would really be more in line with his personality being called COMMODORE.
  
  Page 44, top:
  He produces his rope and ties knots
  around Atari’s monitor, processor, and keyboard.
  
  The processor is inside the case. Do you mean case?
  
  Page 45, top:
  Nomar and Wally are completely trapped. Their fate sets in.
  
  "Sets in" doesn't seem right. did you mean "Sinks in?"
  
  Nice characters: The rat Pack.
  
  Page 79:
  ATARI
  Burning sensation!
  Golden flames create much heat.
  We harness power.
  NOMAR
  Oh, great. Now Atari’s speaking in
  haiku.
  VERY funny.
  
  Page 85:
  Theodore tears his vest off, revealing a tiny pink heart
  tattoo with the embroidered phrase “REMEMBER SHEBOYGAN.”
  
  should this mean something to us?? I guess you're parodying "Remember the Alamo", but since no one's heard of Sheboygen, it might fall flat.
  
  Nice mantra: We are not garbage!
  
  Page 93, middle:
  He looks both courageous and terrified as he strikes his best
  gnome pose. Flora forces a smile.
  FLORA
  You’re so statuesque.
  
  funny.
  
  Page 97:
  Excavadora brings him right up to her eyes.
  EXCAVADORA
  Any last words?
  He doesn’t even flinch.
  NOMAR
  Your mama was a vending machine.
  
  Made me LOL.
  
  Page 99:
  NOMAR
  I knew you had the firepower.
  
  I expected this line to be "I knew you had it in you."
  
  Page 99, bottom:
  THEODORE (O.S.)
  Damn right, we did.
  
  Mmm... No need for swear words in a kids' film when it's almost over. Stay clean.
  read
• 
  You don't gnome me!
  A review of Garbagetown
  by zackfu on 05/12/2008
  Garbagetown is clever, has a wide variety of interesting characters, and goes down nice and easy like a cool, soothing glass of chocolate milk. But reading it, I couldn't shake the ghosts of Toy Story, Monsters Inc, and Flushed Away. I'm partially to blame for that. See, as soon as Nomar clocked out of his days work, my brain instantly went to Monsters Inc, and suddenly I... Garbagetown is clever, has a wide variety of interesting characters, and goes down nice and easy like a cool, soothing glass of chocolate milk.
  But reading it, I couldn't shake the ghosts of Toy Story, Monsters Inc, and Flushed Away. I'm partially to blame for that. See, as soon as Nomar clocked out of his days work, my brain instantly went to Monsters Inc, and suddenly I could no longer read Nomar without hearing Billy Crystal in my head. Subsequently, Wally turned into John Goodman.
  But the similarities are unavoidable. And since we're dealing in the world of animated features, whose canon is pretty slim, something being so similar is hard to ignore. This script certainly deserves to be looked at without that filter on it. But I think the ugly reality is that that could be the difference between a pass and a consider.
  What's needed here is a very strong, unique voice to push through the comparisons. Nomar, as characters go, never really took shape for me. I guess the trick here is that you're dealing with archetypes. So you have the toolbox, and he's going to be a manly handyman. And you have a toy helicopter, and she's gonna be a tough but loveable miliary presence. Everyone's sort of tied to their physical presence. In and of itself, that's fine. But I felt like I wanted some of them to break out of that in a larger way.
  In the beginning, we see Nomar clock out from his day job of being a garden gnome. This begs the question of what is his life outside of being a gnome? And is everyone on the clock? Does another gnome clock in for the evening shift, or does Nomar just have to hope no one goes into the garden after he clocks out?
  This brings me back to the character issue. Nomar is a garden gnome, because, what else could he be? But it is also his job. So, I guess what I'm getting at here, is the simple two sentences of the time clock being punched created a void of information for me.
  There's a lot of really clever lines, and character bits, stemming from the psychology of being a certain object. For instance, Wally is always refferencing the magazines he's read, presumably whilst inside him. Atari's torture scene played with Atari logic in a very funny way. These characters are going to have physical limitations and abilities based on what they are. I can see how that could be a huge difficulty for writing a garden gnome. But this screenplay kind of sidesteps that by equipping Nomar with bionic arms almost right out of the gate. I guess you kind of have to. But maybe there's something to be gained by having a Nomar have to figure out how to defeat a situation using his gnome skills of stillness. I have no idea what that would be. I'm just spitballing here.
  I love the idea of the garbage town. Of these rejected items banding together to form a community, using their inherent skills to get by. But I really wanted to get a better sense of the workings of the town. It's just sort of there. And even when they repair it, we don't really see it happening.
  I wanted a better sense of the geography involved. Where is Garbagetown in relation to the rest of the dump, and how is it exactly that it has avoided destruction from massive bulldozers?
  As for the Bulldozers, they are a natural foil to a town of garbage living in a dump. But they never seem particularly threatening. We're told they've demolished all the other cells, but I think they would be way more intimidating if we actually saw them take out a town. As is, they seem a little bit inept.
  I saw a lot of potential with the Scraper. I was expecting him to be a silent, trash destroying machine, but he reveals himself to be a potential foil to Excavadora. There's a real opportunity with Scraper to give voice to the common bulldozer. Are they all so dedicated to wiping out trash as Excavadora? Or is it just a day job, like Nomar being a garden gnome?
  
  I'm kind of on a free form ramble here so let me consolidate into a cogent summary of my feelings here:
  I love the ideas at work here. But I think this script needs a clearly defined, underlying set of rules and logic. The characters right now are very funny as archetypes, but they can be so much more. I hate to say that the garden gnome and mailbox need a little more depth...but I think they do. I need a little more reason to worry about all the inhabitants of Garbagetown, and I mean that both in the sense that I need to actually care about them more, and I need to believe the bulldozers are actually a threat.
  The dialogue is clever and you give the characters unique voices. And on a technical note, its very polished. Structurally sound and free of grammatical distractions. It's a breeze to read and overall pretty fun.
  There's lots of strengths, but I think a lot of work needs to be done to make it stand apart and above its predeccessors.
  Best of luck with it! I'd love to see the adventures of a Garden Gnome, so I hope you crack it.
  
  Feel free to email me if you have any questions about my rambling or anything else. read
• 
  Review of Garbage town
  A review of Garbagetown
  by Harf on 05/12/2008
  I'm sure you know how sweet this script is, I was gonna put Garbage Script as the headline as a joke to throw you off, but thought I would maybe get in trouble... All characters were distinguished and lovable. Great dialogue. Great story. Works with all ages. The one thing I would change is the Jingling of the ballcock..I just feel like it was a blatant pun, not really disguised,... I'm sure you know how sweet this script is, I was gonna put Garbage Script as the headline as a joke to throw you off, but thought I would maybe get in trouble...
  All characters were distinguished and lovable. Great dialogue. Great story. Works with all ages. The one thing I would change is the Jingling of the ballcock..I just feel like it was a blatant pun, not really disguised, and with it, you're entering a world of tires getting rim jobs, or blow dryers giving...well you know what I mean. Maybe switch it up with Balltap or fill valve?
  Also, maybe change up Scrapper's departure? And the toppling of buildings to destroy the bull dozers got me wondering about it's effect on the city. Or finish it off with a merry Garbage land where dozers and garbage work as one? And talking rats just seems really unrealistic. Hah, i'm kidding. I don't know, I'm stretching for input. I like it a lot.
  Overall, I think it deserves serious consideration. It will be compared to Toy Story, but it's oh so different, but comparably good. And Toy Story was huge!
  One question I had was, what makes Nomar think he won't just get thrown out again when he gets home. I thought maybe he wasn't aware that he was thrown out because he was knocked unconscious, and maybe thought that the kids had thrown him out...
  Although I don't really think serious changes are necessary. Either way, excellents across the board. read
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  I'M NOT GARBAGE!
  A review of Garbagetown
  by LUCKYG on 04/23/2008
  Great job. I really enjoyed how creative your story was. Your characters and story were very clever. I think using a garden gnome as the main character was a good choice. And your villan reminded me of the queen from Alice and Wonderland. It did take me a while to read all the way through but I think that's because it's a world that I haven't "been exposed" to yet. I wanted... Great job. I really enjoyed how creative your story was. Your characters and story were very clever. I think using a garden gnome as the main character was a good choice. And your villan reminded me of the queen from Alice and Wonderland. It did take me a while to read all the way through but I think that's because it's a world that I haven't "been exposed" to yet. I wanted to visualize each detail you were describing. I'm assuming this is intended to be "G" rated, so my only advice would be to clean up a couple lines of dialogue. I think they would be great if you were going for a more South Park or Family Guy tone. "tea bagging" and the jiggling of the "ballcock" just might not go over too well with some of the parents. I think having some jokes for the adults is always fun it just has to be cleaned up a little. Other than that I think you have a wonderful story. read
• 
  A movie to watch for
  A review of Garbagetown
  by itchinbay on 04/19/2008
  Overall: I loved this story. Your humorous writing came through wonderfully. This is a pleasure to read. Concept and story: Definitely one of the best concepts I've seen here. It seems a lot like _Toy Story_. Excellent! characters: Your main character is Nomar, but I didn't find him particularly relatable. He seems to have only successes. A more common technique... Overall: I loved this story. Your humorous writing came through wonderfully. This is a pleasure to read.
  
  Concept and story: Definitely one of the best concepts I've seen here. It seems a lot like _Toy Story_. Excellent!
  
  characters: Your main character is Nomar, but I didn't find him particularly relatable. He seems to have only successes. A more common technique in children's entertainment is for the main character to make excessive claims, and then be humiliated when he turns out to be useless in an easy assignment. Then when the enemy has crushed all the other defenses, it's up to the forgotten hero to save the day. In your story, he walks away when they are in peril as they agreed -- not very admirable. Incorporating the help of the other objects was good, though. You need more extremism in your characters. For example, I saw Prescott more like Col. Hathi (the leading elephant) in the Jungle Book -- proper British accent, living in the time of the height of the British Empire. Check out his dialogue. Atari is good. Also, stories for kids tend to have a larger group going around together, each with a unique personality. It's the cuteness and uniqueness of the characters that people remember.
  
  You seem to be using the oil as an ecological theme. This needs to be played up more. The display of the rows and rows of oil cans is suggestive, but you need to be more explicit of the danger. Perhaps 'Madame Ex' plans on using it for some dastardly deed, such as pouring it on Garbagetown so nothing could ever live there.
  
  In a few places, you refer to items of popular American culture, or you refer to products by their brand names. In contrast, Shrek used fairy tales for its theme, thus making it much fresher and international. Your humor would not be understood by an international audience.
  
  Another thing missing from yours were the memorable quotes. One of my all time favorites is in Toy Story: "We're falling!" "Yes, but with style." Your lines tend to be more ironic, which is good, too, but overused in this script.
  
  And finally, the climactic scene. As Madame Ex gets close, you start undercutting her. Instead, you should be building her up. Don't have her bridge collapse, cutting off half of her dozers. For us to be proud of the hero's accomplishments, we have to see that he has defeated the villain at her strongest, not when everything is failing for her. And the actual battle with her ended in one page. A bit of a let-down for everything going before, but acceptable for kids. The other dozers not coming to her aid was strange. Did they really have a reason to abandon their leader? A common technique that prevents the hero from actually killing is for the villain's followers to turn on her for some reason.
  
  I know I've concentrated more on what you've done wrong instead of what you've done right, but I really, really enjoyed this script.
  
  Running commentary:
  
  opening scene: Cute. It got my attention and made me interested in more. Great!
  
  p. 41 The Rat Pack lends itself to sharper dialogue. I thought of the hyenas in the Lion King, joking when they had Simba and Nara trapped. At first I thought they were on the bad side, but now they seem to be on the good side.
  
  p. 48 'NOMAR
  I lost your briefcase.
  FLORA
  Doesn’t make a lick of difference.'
  Whoa! This was emphasized at the start. Why the change? Didn't seem humorous.
  
  p. 48 'ATARI
  Ay. We make new designs!
  The crowd cheers again. More music. More confetti.'
  I'd expect him to be issuing orders like mad and everybody running around. Also, when he's being interrogated, how about showing a primitive pong game?
  
  p. 56 'FRANKIE
  You got it, doll. Come on, boys,
  from the top.'
  You have another song going where Chinook and Wally are dancing. Did that one finish, or are these two songs supposed to be contrasting? Also confusing: first, the rats were chasing them, now they're socializing.
  
  p. 63 Prescott's disapproval would be more effective if Nomar and Wally had stolen the batteries.
  
  p. 68 I didn't exactly understand why everyone turned on Nomar. He had misled Flora into thinking he was a commando, but he's proven himself as one since then. And now he doesn't want to go against all the bulldozers alone? Is that really so cowardly?
  
  p. 77 'NOMAR
  Hey, what good is life if you can’t
  get a little dirty?
  EXCAVADORA
  What good is life if it cannot be
  clean?'
  Good contrast in purpose.
  
  p. 99 'NOMAR
  (Stallone voice)
  No-mar mister nice guy!'
  I was wondering where his name came from!
  read
• 
  I'm Moving to
  A review of Garbagetown
  by Paul Iacono on 04/19/2008
  Garbagetown I’ve never had a problem on TriggerStreet coming up with 100 words to fill out a review. But in this case, unless I write “It’s good! It’s good! It’s good!” over and over again – risking a trip to the Hall of Justice woodshed – I’m just not sure what to say. Let me start with “It’s really good!” The inventiveness of this thing is just a joy to read. And some... Garbagetown
  
  I’ve never had a problem on TriggerStreet coming up with 100 words to fill out a review. But in this case, unless I write “It’s good! It’s good! It’s good!” over and over again – risking a trip to the Hall of Justice woodshed – I’m just not sure what to say.
  
  Let me start with “It’s really good!” The inventiveness of this thing is just a joy to read. And some of it is simply brilliant. The Capitol building made of Spam and pork product cans. -- Effing brilliant.
  
  One thing I might advise is to put in more jokes, double entendres and such that adults can appreciate but that will go over the heads of the little ones. The scenes with Flora are a perfect opportunity. (EDIT, seems you have, see below re: the rat pack.)
  
  One thing that bothers me is their “mission”. I think it needs to be presented more as a test, a la “Wizard of Oz”, whereby they can earn their passage out of Garbagetown. As is, we haven’t met Atari, we have no emotional investment in his “crisis”.
  
  Also, Flora just arrived at the same time they did, so how is she so alert to the crisis posed by the loss of their engineer?
  
  Page 33 – ok, there’s one for the adults lol
  
  Page 39-40 – Unless they call one another Frankie, Deano and Sammy, no one’s going to get the joke. Granted, later with the singing and all people will probably figure it out, but I think you should make it clear here.
  But I take back what I said above, you HAVE included jokes for the adults.
  
  Page 45 – “I’m sorry I tea bagged you” lol Dude, is that a gay joke?!!? Might be a bit much for a kids movie!
  
  Page 46 – Typo, “whole” should be “hole”
  
  Page 50 – “Kindly jiggle my ballcock” LMAO!@!@# Ok, now HERE’s a situation where the kids in the audience probably won’t know what a ballcock is. All the same, they WILL get the reference. Probably ought to drop that one. Funny as hell though.
  
  Page 55 – “Grunge is so yesterday” would be more appropriate.
  
  Do a spell check on “tattoo”. Beyond that there’s really no point in my continuing this.
  
  I don’t know what more to say. If you can’t sell this then the rest of us are doomed.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  read
• 
  Loved it
  A review of Garbagetown
  by daspion on 04/19/2008
  As a fellow Wolverine, GO BLUE! I was a little skeptical with the plot outlined, but the screenplay sucked me in. I thought the characters were well developed, the story was, and the humor was right on. I, surprisingly, enjoy screenplays like this, with enough humor to entertain the parents, and enough action for the kiddies. I only have two slight criticisms, and hopefully... As a fellow Wolverine, GO BLUE!
  
  I was a little skeptical with the plot outlined, but the screenplay sucked me in.
  
  I thought the characters were well developed, the story was, and the humor was right on. I, surprisingly, enjoy screenplays like this, with enough humor to entertain the parents, and enough action for the kiddies.
  
  I only have two slight criticisms, and hopefully they're constructive. On page 45 there is a joke about tea bagging, which literally made me laugh out loud. That being said, as I don't have kids, I don't know how I would feel hearing this joke sitting next to my kids. Might be pushing the line a little bit. But as a childless man, I loved it.
  
  The other comment I have is in regards to physical size of the characters. I don't know much about animation, but I guess there is some freedom in how things look and are sized. That being said, there were a couple areas where I questioned the size of the gnome or the environment they were in. For instance, Nomar riding Wally, makes me think Nomar is small or typical garden gnome size. But when he is having a golf ball inserted to replace his eye, Nomar seems he must be bigger, as a golf ball would be too large of an eye for a standard garden gnome. Similarly when they're in the pipes with Prescott. Garden gnomes are quite small in comparison to a toilet. I guess the way the pipes were described I was surprised a toilet could fit in there. Unless they're more sewer sized.
  
  That's all I have. Otherwise, great screenplay, I was thoroughly entertained. read