Reviews of Ghoul School 23

• 
  Slight Plot Hole
  A review of Ghoul School
  by samuraisabre on 09/04/2006
  This is a free will review. I just wanted to draw your attention to a plot failing which hopefully you'll be able to sort out without too much difficulty. Before I get to that though I want to say firstly that this is an admirable script, exceptionally well written and extremely engaging. However, it seems that the logic of Peabody is slightly flawed. Why should he wish to... This is a free will review. I just wanted to draw your attention to a plot failing which hopefully you'll be able to sort out without too much difficulty.
  Before I get to that though I want to say firstly that this is an admirable script, exceptionally well written and extremely engaging.
  However, it seems that the logic of Peabody is slightly flawed. Why should he wish to become human again if the consequences would result essentially in his own suicide (in human form) by unleashing hell on earth? It would be understandable if there were some way he could be exempt but as a living being he would also be subject to the results of his actions. Yes he may be annoyed at what happened 300 years previously but I don't think, firstly, that his wrath has been convincingly explained to warrant his own sacrifice to exist in hell as a human for all eternity, or, if his character simply hasn't thought through the consequences of his actions then this too has not been sufficiently explained, i.e. he does not seem to be the impetuous type. This for me was the weakest part of an otherwise highly enjoyable film.
  Perhaps I missed something along the way but just in case I didn't I thought you'd appreciate this being brought to your attention. read
• 
  Soo Ghoul
  A review of Ghoul School
  by craigmorrow on 07/19/2006
  I don't watch kids movies. I don't watch those cute Pixar movies either. But if this script is any indication of what they are like, then maybe I should. This script was a lot of fun and didn't take itself too seriously. The positive things about this script are endless if you are under the age of, say, 14. There is fantasy and mystery and heros and villians and scary themes... I don't watch kids movies. I don't watch those cute Pixar movies either. But if this script is any indication of what they are like, then maybe I should.
  This script was a lot of fun and didn't take itself too seriously.
  The positive things about this script are endless if you are under the age of, say, 14. There is fantasy and mystery and heros and villians and scary themes and funny themes. The characters are so interesting. I love how all of the kids are from different time periods BUT I LOVE EVEN MORE that you didn't make it an obstacle in the script or for the characters. The dialogue was good and it fit the demo that you're writing this for. Usually I would say it's a little on the nose but I think it's perfect as is. The story flows the structure is fine and, well, I don't know what more to say other than great job.
  The negative things I found here are few and far between. I think Robert hits his head an awful lot. I think maybe you could turn this into a joke or change his injuries. Also, even for a kids movie I think, only in terms of dialogue, it did get a little too pun-ish. Some of them are good and clever and well timed while others just feel like it's pun after pun after pun.
  Overall this was oso enjoyable even for me that it deserves all of the praise that it is getting on this site. Good luck with your career and selling this one. read
• 
  Ghoul School review
  A review of Ghoul School
  by tomasy on 07/17/2006
  This was a really well thought-out script with a great story and very likeable characters. I am sure the obvious comparison to another school-based fantasy has been made by reviews before me, so I will save you the repition. I did like the feeling of the script. It reminded me a lot of the Halloween specials they used to do when I was a kid (you know, back when there were only... This was a really well thought-out script with a great story and very likeable characters. I am sure the obvious comparison to another school-based fantasy has been made by reviews before me, so I will save you the repition. I did like the feeling of the script. It reminded me a lot of the Halloween specials they used to do when I was a kid (you know, back when there were only 3 networks & 36 cable channels). I loved those! The nostalgic feel kept my attention more than anything else. I really liked the idea that you do not water down the scares for kids, like so many so-called socially responsible spooky kids stuff tends to do these days. I did figure out who was the villain before it was fully revealed, but it did not distract from the overall product. I think this would make a terrific film. Or, should I say, a terror-ific film. read
• 
  Is there a registration fee?
  A review of Ghoul School
  by mpet on 06/28/2006
  There's a lot to like here. Your descriptions set an incedibly creepy tone in the intro. Very well done. Except there's a level of anticipation set by the intro that I don't think is met by the bulk of the screenplay. The intro is dark and sinister, what follows is a children's movie. Nothing at all wrong with a children's movie, or this children's movie. Just an observation... There's a lot to like here. Your descriptions set an incedibly creepy tone in the intro. Very well done. Except there's a level of anticipation set by the intro that I don't think is met by the bulk of the screenplay.
  
  The intro is dark and sinister, what follows is a children's movie. Nothing at all wrong with a children's movie, or this children's movie. Just an observation that the intro sets a tone that lightens significantly and also doesn't seem to me to match the rest.
  
  This may be a small point, but I'm wondering, wouldn't they want an 11 yo who had just flatlined to spend the night in the hospital? This would give you an opportunity to focus on Robert as he maybe watches rain hit his hospital window. Let us wonder from his expression, just what happened.
  
  Which brings me to my next point. It may play even better to NOT show us what he sees- especially this early in the story. However, the Wraiths return on 27 does impact well.
  
  At the same time, I wonder if you don't miss a lot of potential conflict with the set up you use. You've got Robert starting to fit in, makes a few friends... What if he actually sees the Wraith take the jocks? He runs around telling everyone, causing a big stink. His new friends, even the principal, turn against him. Everyone comes to the conclusion that maybe him being there isn't such a good idea.
  
  I don't think this would interfer too much with Peabody's ultimate motivations. He would want to quiet Robert, and he could use this to manipulate him further. If you want to stay then you're going to have to stop all this nonsense- kind of thing. Just a suggestion!
  
  The imagery is great throughout! I love the car levitation scene. That would look "swell" on film. The aftermath of this scene would look even "ghouler"! The Hall Monitor is another creepy image that I think would play well.
  
  Characters are really interesting. I noted that Peabody seemed too friendly. Wondered if he shouldn't, as principal of a ghoul school, be a little bit scarier. In the end, I think he served his purpose well as did Graves. Nurse Dirge is also quite fun. We liked her alot!
  
  The dialogue is hit and miss, and perhaps suggestive of a larger problem. Take for example- Robert looks to the ghost hamster, says "...so that's what I saw--". This is already obvious.
  
  Look at this interaction- "Why would a wraith want the secon half of that old book?" The answer- "...because it already has the first half." And then someone responds- "... (They now have) The complete instructions on how to. ..."
  
  This is all kind of on the nose. No need to spell everything out, assume your audience can fill in some of this for themselves- given what you've already showed them. And the interchange might impact better if you end the scene on the line - "...because they already have the first half." This is a good, high impact line!
  
  In general I think that some of your explanations seemd juvenile. I realize this is a children's story, but I found myself wanting more. Here are some examples from dialogue.
  
  First examine your explanation of etheral physics. "Picking up something with your hand is easy, yet levitation is hard. Why? Because... you're not using your hand ... (but instead) your mind. Creepy, isn't it..."
  
  This just seems really weak. Why not use the opportunity to throw some real whacky shit at us. So what if it's over Robert's head. A good reason for that might be because he's not all the way dead!
  
  Now this is the really significant part and appears to be a huge flaw in the internal logic of your story. This appears in the Devil's Guide- "...one way for a spirit to rejoin yee world of yee living....(is to) permanetly possess a compatible living host, one who exist in both worlds."
  
  Why is this is in the Devil's Guide? We already heard this exact thing in class. "...(If someone) ever found a compatible living host, he could force that person's soul out.... and... possess it... forever, and live again."
  
  You've already presented this as common knowledge and here it's the big secret in the elusive Devil's Guide?! Maybe if after the possession Graves is shocked. Says, "I've heard of it before, but never thought it was real!" Referring to the amount of time he could have stayed in Roberts body- permenant posssession. This would clear everything up.
  
  The love between Victoria and Robert was touching, but unrealistic. He's 11. This might work better if you gave him a few more years. Make him at least 13.
  
  And finally, one of the last lines in your screenplay is- "Bright summer sun..." But if the timeline has not jumped, which it does not appear to have done, then it's only a day or so after Halloween- clearly not summer.
  
  In conclusion I thought this was a well written story. It's got a lot of heart, very good visuals, and unique characters. Despite what I percieved as flaws in the story's logic, I thought it moved along at a fairly decent pace and was engaging. Nice job! Good luck with future revisions. read
• 
  Brilliant
  A review of Ghoul School
  by naomilamont on 06/25/2006
  Okay, I've just taken notes as I read, so here we go: The atmosphere you created in the opening scene was fantastic and drew me in immediately. You set up the relationship between Robert and his parents very well in such a short amount of time and also the reason they are now in Salem. Then again when Robert is dared to go into the school, you once again created that creepy... Okay, I've just taken notes as I read, so here we go:
  
  The atmosphere you created in the opening scene was fantastic and drew me in immediately. You set up the relationship between Robert and his parents very well in such a short amount of time and also the reason they are now in Salem. Then again when Robert is dared to go into the school, you once again created that creepy atmosphere - I can really imagine this on the screen. When Robert is chased by the wraith ghost, I could feel the tension and excitement. Great scene. Robert's fall and almost death is perfectly timed at around page 10. Every character you introduce is unique and interesting with their own little quirks. Also, I love all your 'dead' jokes. Adults will love it as much as the kids.
  
  Love the scene where Robert tries to levitate the toy car, but is actually levitating real cars outside, and then the fiasco he discovers he's caused in the morning. Nice reference to 'My Fair Lady'. You've got a great sense of humour going on throughout the story.
  
  The scene with Robert driving the hearse was scary and funny at the same time. Also love the 'you nearly scared me to life' comments. Very funny.
  
  Your scenes at the ghoul school dance are great when Robert, Freddy and Victoria realise Peabody is the one to fear, not Graves. Very scary stuff when they go into the graveyard searching for the coffin shaped grave. Then Victoria gets taken by the Wraith! Great atmosphere and suspense once again.
  
  Wow, what a climax.This was extremely scary and exciting. And your conclusion is simple, yet perfect.
  
  Really, there's nothing I can say about this script, except it’s fantastic! You're a great writer and a wonderful storyteller. I’m positive that I'll see this script on the screen soon. Please feel free to email me if you want to know anything specific. read
• 
  Scaaaaary Movie
  A review of Ghoul School
  by wridir on 06/20/2006
  Entertaining SP. Well crafted, good technique, excellent format, few errors. There's one serious flaw. The core of the story doesn't get established until the SPs nearly half over. Most of the first part of the script concerns cute ghost tricks and entertaining stunts with only hints of "The Wraith's" real intent. When the real conflict establishes itself, it's nearly... Entertaining SP. Well crafted, good technique, excellent format, few errors.
  
  There's one serious flaw. The core of the story doesn't get established until the SPs nearly half over. Most of the first part of the script concerns cute ghost tricks and entertaining stunts with only hints of "The Wraith's" real intent. When the real conflict establishes itself, it's nearly too late. In the Harry Potter movies, there's plenty of hijinx thruout, but the main conflict is set up early in the first act - as it should be. Also. Robert's travail at the hands of Danny and his crew is a near red herring - and the final solution to that issue is pretty pat.
  
  I liked the characters, the relationships and the uniqueness of the concept. If screenwriter Stancari can solve the central issue, he's got a saleable screenplay in Ghoul School read
• 
  Boo
  A review of Ghoul School
  by Stuntdiver on 06/20/2006
  Well, where to start. First, as a parent of three chidren I find it difficult to take them to this movie. Because its not totally a kids movie. If your writting a movie for kids write a movie for kids. There does not need to be adult things in the movie. Example "No ASS". Page 1 Sceneheading Oct 31 1692 How do I see this on screen? Page 1 What is unnatural darkness, is it... Well, where to start.
  First, as a parent of three chidren I find it difficult to take them to this movie. Because its not totally a kids movie. If your writting a movie for kids write a movie for kids. There does not need to be adult things in the movie. Example "No ASS".
  
  Page 1 Sceneheading Oct 31 1692 How do I see this on screen?
  Page 1 What is unnatural darkness, is it different from natural darkness?
  Page 1 What are horrible things, car salesmen, Rap DJs maybe spam?
  Wouldn't there be a yell in dialog somewhere here?
  What happens to the boy is he just left there?
  Why would the guy sneak back to salem nobodys around anymore?
  
  Page 2 Sceneheading Present day. How do I see this on screen?
  Maybe you might think about SUPER: the date.
  Page 2 unnatural darkness is back.
  "NO ASS" I thought this was a kids movie. Four and five year olds don't get this.
  Tall fence, how tall it is important later when Robert falls from it.
  
  Page 3 Happy sign is it smiling, what?
  
  Page 4 A 1700 house? Now in dialog you say its a Colonial Period house. Repetive.
  Robert by the looks of it 200 B.C. Why a question, why not a statement roberts been a smartass the whole time any ways.
  
  Page 5 8:30 at night a eleven year old boy who just moved there gets to go out on the town on a school night. SURE NO WAY unless he has the worst parents in the world.
  Page 6 Unnatural darkness in back.
  
  Page 7 How can you have a question in action? Is it watching him? Maybe something like this, The tree seems to watch him as he walks past.
  
  Page 8 Clock is frozen at noon or is it midnight? This is a question in action. How do I see this on screen.
  
  Page 10 Is he dead? Question in action again. You are writing a screenplay not a novel. Again I am no expert in format.
  
  Page 11 HUGE PROBLEM HERE. robert falls on his head and is out cold. then he actually dies. he comes back to life. HERES the problem the doctor says OK you can go home now. NO WAY THIS WOULD EVER HAPPEN. LAWSUIT!!!! the kid would spend at least a day or two in the hospital. Then again maybe the doctor is related to the incompetent parents. His injury is a critical trama injury.
  
  Page 11 Another question in action.
  
  Page 17 Cluelessly levitates books. Hoe do I see "cluelessly"?
  Page 19 Scare Robert to death. If he did robert wouldn't be there as a live boy would he.
  
  Page 20 Theyare in front of the general store yet Danny pushes Roberts bike off a steep cliff Where in front of the store? Did they move?
  
  Page 25 What book is she talking about?
  
  Page 27 Tommy and Andy run off. before this they glide or float what changed?
  
  Page 34 The card catalog files drawer's shoot open there contents fly out. My question is if they are full of cards wht didn't Robert just take one of them in the beginning for evidence?
  
  Page 34 Robert is knocked OUT COLD. This is his second head trama in two days Don't think so.
  
  Page 37 Again i am no expert but shouldn't the action at the botom of the page be before the dialog?
  
  Page 41 Henry Higgend type. WHO? describ him.
  page 49 Scare me to death. it didn't scare him to death. It just scared him.
  
  Page 50 Robert is eleven years old WHY does he need to be kissing a girl. Are kids are exposed to enough crap to early in there lives. Most eleven years don't even like girls yet. Adult movie or kid movie pick one.
  
  Page 53 ANOTHER HEAD INJURY he has to be dead by now. THATS three head injury in as many days.
  
  Page 55 Freddy says we don't have to rip the place apart to get a book. SO why did Graves say he had to rip the place apart on page 29.
  Robert tries here to cover your mistake. If there are no books around and a hand gives you your book why tear the place apart.
  
  Page 58 Robert reads the book by candle light. Why his flashlight does not work? His parents never check on him and he has a lamp in his room WHY use a candle? Does not work.
  
  Page 59 The lamp gets knck over> Robert could have used it to read the book.
  Parent pound on the door why is it locked? What parent lets thier ELEVEN year old to lock his door. Then after discovering his room destroyed they just leave. YES these are the worst parents ever.
  
  Page 63 Robert clicks on his flashlight. Where did it come from? If you say his backpack that makes no sence. I don't know one kid that eats lunch with his backpack on. He would have taken if off to get his lunch.
  
  Page 64 The original school was underground? HUH?
  
  Page 64 Robert is hit in the head Again. He has to be dead now. Forth time.
  
  Guess what Peabody is the bad guy. Am I right?
  
  Page 68 He can reach the gas and the cluch but not the brake?
  
  how do I see "fake understanding"
  
  Page 77 Why put Halloween in the sceneheading The kids trick or treating kind of give it away.
  
  Page 78" he smile with a new found understanding" what does that look like?
  Page 79 Halloweeen Night in scene heading Why? We already know this.
  Mom can't cook dad can't fix anything. I have never seen that before in a movie.
  Page 82 "They do incredible moves that only ghost can do." What moves? SHow me some ghost moves.
  
  The group forms around themand watches them dance. SCENE IT.
  
  Page 90 Robert bumps into freddy. HOW? freddys a ghost.
  
  Page 91 OK let me get this right a ghost can't pass through a solid object but a live kid can. COME ON!!! Maybe Robert could find a pry bar and pry the door open.
  
  Page 92 Robert can make jokes while his friend is in danger?
  
  Page 96 I can see the trick or treaters are gone but how do I see that Salem is defenseless?
  
  Page 97 Speckter flicks on the lights, why didn't he do that before when the kids were in there?
  
  Page 101 IMHO Wouldn't it be better if Robert put the real blade in with fake ones back at the store. No one would find it, he would be stealing it, There would be less chance for someone to find it on him.
  
  I read this story twice.
  
  Robert has to many head injuries he would be dead or in a coma.
  IMHO you need to committ this to be a kids movie that four and five ear olds could watch. Lose the hell on earth stuff. That is an easy change. And lose the adult humor.
  
  It seems that this would make a good kids book cause I though I was reading a book. Not a screenplay.
  
  Agian, I am no expert on formating, but you have alot of question in action this can't be right for a screenplay.
  
  I also have to say that the whole time I was reading this I thought I had seen it before. Then I realize that there was no orginal thoughts in this it was the same story we have seen over and over just told a different way.
  
  The Bully and the little girl.
  The parents Mom can't cook dad can't fix anything.
  the dance everyone stops to watch them dance.
  The old scary shop keeper
  The loner
  The freak
  THe scary House or school across the street. i belive there is a cartoon coming out in theaters soon with the same thing.
  Try some new ideas
  Hope this helps. read
• 
  Spooky!
  A review of Ghoul School
  by whale on 06/19/2006
  I really enjoyed this script. It's tight, well-written, and very marketable -- you should be proud of yourself. I could see everything you described play out before my eyes like a movie (imagine that). It's good to see stuff like this on Triggerstreet. Keep it up!
• 
  Notes on Ghoul School
  A review of Ghoul School
  by mattwrites on 06/19/2006
  First, let me just say that this seems like a potentially profitable script. It's fresh, but also familiar. It fits all the definitions of high concept that I've come across so congrats. Now. . . -Instead of "the wind blows dry leaves" how about "Leaves rattle in the wind." The more senses you can bring in the better -Don't underline dialogue (unless you're an acting coach,... First, let me just say that this seems like a potentially profitable script. It's fresh, but also familiar. It fits all the definitions of high concept that I've come across so congrats. Now. . .
  -Instead of "the wind blows dry leaves" how about "Leaves rattle in the wind." The more senses you can bring in the better
  -Don't underline dialogue (unless you're an acting coach, but even then I wouldn't) Actors are responsible for their lines--and i've never read a professional's script with the dialogue underlined
  -"the warlock nods to the witch, and she prepares to plunge the blade. . ." take out "and" these don't have to be complete sentences.
  -I would encourage you to take out some of the "ooooo" sounds if a suitable alternative can be found. It's a judgement call but I think it's distracting
  -Some of the lines of dialogue are witty, really punchy. So the standard is raised. The lines of dialogue that don't shine, then, stick out. Especially the first conversation in the car. If you're going to have great dialogue, which I think you do, you might have to elevate all of the dialogue to that level.
  -It seems to me that the dad knows too much about the school and I didn't get why that would be. Is he some kind of historian?
  -"Robert passes the dead oak tree. Is it watching him?" Rhetorical questions are not good for screenplays.
  -For someone who "died" Robert is released from the hospital rather early-no observation period?
  -Could you make Robert's accident the reason he can communicate with the ghosts? Otherwise how would you explain it? Maybe he can hear the voices but can't see them until the accident?
  -I would change "Ahyup" to "yup"
  -I would set up the central question sooner. The set-up for the central conflict is a little slow.
  This really is a great script with a profitable niche market. My only concern is that someone might say "A kid at a haunted school, seen it" Now your script is much different than the franchise to which I am referring. However, these are things to keep in mind when writing. That said, just about everything has been done in some fashion, and in fact I understand it's easier to sell something that resembles something else that has proven successful. Best of luck with this script, but also best of luck with your career. read
• 
  Chills and thrills
  A review of Ghoul School
  by Braxcugs on 06/18/2006
  I believe this script has the magic mix of adventure and chills that young children would love and I'm sure mine would like it very much. The main concept is good (even though maybe not too original). I really appreciated how the author built a meaningful and consistent story that makes sense (in its own way). In other words I never had the feeling the story didn't make sense... I believe this script has the magic mix of adventure and chills that young children would love and I'm sure mine would like it very much.
  The main concept is good (even though maybe not too original). I really appreciated how the author built a meaningful and consistent story that makes sense (in its own way). In other words I never had the feeling the story didn't make sense. The only episode that left me scratching my head is at the end, when Specter meets Robert in the graveyard. How can he be grateful to Robert if he doesn't know what really happened down below? For all I know he should blame Robert for the theft of the knife and of all the devastations that took place in town (and in his shop). Again, on page 11, is it possible a doctor would send a child back home only a few hours after he's "gone"?
  Great idea of having children from all periods in the school. Same with the cars on the lawn (and on one tree). You did a great job in managing the Robert - Victoria relationship (I really enjoyed pg. 83 - 85).
  Characters are well drawn and original. I believe Robert's character arc is complete and credible passing from a frightened boy into a determined young man.
  Mom's dialogues in the first pages (Pg. 3 - 5) should be worked out a bit more as there's too much exposition. I agree you have to let us know some facts but these dialogues are very unnatural.
  Again you did a great job. This script is a bit of a mix of Harry Potter and Ghostbusters but has a life and meaning of its own. My only worry are the cost of the many special effects needed for this SP.
  Good luck. read