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Reviews of Guardian of the Shore (revised) 6

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  draft difference
  A review of Guardian of the Shore (revised)
  by Blaiseh on 10/22/2008
  HI there, I just skimmed though this secnd version as I've already uread the original. It was a very cursory look, but I didn't really see any differences. The tings I was hoping that you might have changed still seem to be there here's a few more words on them. The first and second scene I didn;t like at all. Would King Edward really go to chase dwon a hostage himself?... HI there,
  
  I just skimmed though this secnd version as I've already uread the original.
  
  It was a very cursory look, but I didn't really see any differences.
  
  The tings I was hoping that you might have changed still seem to be there here's a few more words on them.
  
  The first and second scene I didn;t like at all. Would King Edward really go to chase dwon a hostage himself? I find that hard to believe. And the greeting that Especially hrold has for his brothers in the seciond scene come across really stitled and badly.
  
  On thought would be to change the opening scene, if you insist of having it so early, to the face off between Godwin and the King. then the audience canhave some fun guessing the back story if you write the dialogue well. But i still like the strom that wrekcs Harold as a staring point.
  
  The only other thing I'd like to mention is the narrator - he's still in there, but what does he actually add to the story? To my mind he just destracts from it / takes the audience out of the film.
  
  I was hoping for some more dramatic changes. One bit of advice would be not to feel you have to include all the historical events, but rather pick and choose thsoe that pertain to your story and make Harold the driver of that story.
  
  Alos, if we're the film is told from Harold's perspective, why are there scenes which he's not present in and indeed doesn't know about till much later? eg Tostig and hardrada. I suppose that explains the narrator conceit but then it's being told from the narrator's viewpoint, not Harolds, and indeed the narrator isn't present in the film so how can he report? Maybe this is all analysing too far, but it might just be best to go for a omni viewpoint and loose the personal aspect of harold's death?
  
  Anyway, just a few thoughts - take them as you want.
  
  I'm curious - is this the draft that was chosen by the Fim Council?
  
  All the best with it's development,
  
  blaise read
• 
  Guardian of the Shore
  A review of Guardian of the Shore (revised)
  by Daydreamer74 on 07/06/2008
  Right off the bat I’ll tell you period pieces are not my strong points. So reviewing this is certainly not my cup of tea. That being said, kudos to you for having the guts to tackle a subject like a period piece. Often they’re hit or miss, remarkable or unmemorable. Your old English feels right, it doesn’t sound at all like the choppy speak from M. Night’s “The Village.”... Right off the bat I’ll tell you period pieces are not my strong points. So reviewing this is certainly not my cup of tea.
  
  That being said, kudos to you for having the guts to tackle a subject like a period piece. Often they’re hit or miss, remarkable or unmemorable. Your old English feels right, it doesn’t sound at all like the choppy speak from M. Night’s “The Village.”
  
  It’s generally frowned upon to direct your scripts, try to cut down on the “We sees.” When you add in acting notes or directorial notes it really takes you out of the story and that’s never welcome. The characters feel distinct not only by their size and shape but their speech and mannerisms, well done. The story was gripping, and it was structured very well. read
• 
  Fine history piece
  A review of Guardian of the Shore (revised)
  by red_shadow on 02/18/2008
  I am an Aussie who read this in a hotel room in London after coming back from seeing one of four remaining original Magna Carta's. I just found that was a funny coincidence. But I found the story very good, structure, flow, dialogue all well done. I did not know this story so was unsure if it was fiction or not so I did some research and it seems you have encompassed most... I am an Aussie who read this in a hotel room in London after coming back from seeing one of four remaining original Magna Carta's. I just found that was a funny coincidence.
  
  But I found the story very good, structure, flow, dialogue all well done. I did not know this story so was unsure if it was fiction or not so I did some research and it seems you have encompassed most of the main points of the time.
  
  You developed your characters well. Harold I came to like whilst Tosti I immediately felt a distrust which I am glad as the story progressed and we find his tru colours.
  
  I was wondering whether your readings did indicate they saw haleys comet as I checked it up and you did your research well. If you included this yourself it is a fine piece of writing. If history does mention it then it is some good research.
  
  Also on Wadard. Is his story told or did you create him? If you created him it is a good tie in following his saving and then leading to his causing the death of Harold. If history tells of Wadard being saved by Harold then you have used a real fact to provide an ending. Either way you have done good work.
  
  Your action seems were well done and flowing and you death of Harold will look great on screen.
  
  My biggest crticism would be solved if the story was produced. I found the opening events of the Goodwins very quick but I understand you had to in order to get to the main story. I think if it was produced you would be given more screen time to add more information.
  
  Period dramas are always hard, you need to choose carefully points in a persons life, and points in a Kings life would also be difficult.
  
  Overall I enjoyed reading this screenplay and if your vision was made on film it would be good viewing.
  
  Well done. read
• 
  Guardian...
  A review of Guardian of the Shore (revised)
  by taiuk on 02/02/2008
  I was initially intrigued at the start; and thought we were into and adventure, e.g. he goes to find the Edwards’ successor or something, but I slowly realized it was showing only snapshots on Harold’s life. My bad. Even though we watch Harold age I never really sensed he changes. We find early on he has this sense of ‘justice’ and an ideology of treating your people with... I was initially intrigued at the start; and thought we were into and adventure, e.g. he goes to find the Edwards’ successor or something, but I slowly realized it was showing only snapshots on Harold’s life. My bad.
  
  Even though we watch Harold age I never really sensed he changes. We find early on he has this sense of ‘justice’ and an ideology of treating your people with fairness and respect but we don’t really know how or why he has come to this conclusion. We don’t see things that inspire him; did he have a great mentor; or was he Educated differently somehow? Since we are seeing his life’s journey it would have been interesting to see this episode of his life.
  
  His character also comes off as a bit of a ‘lacky’ to Edward, doing the King’s bidding like at puppet and kiss ass. How does this make him a hero? From the title it suggests Harold is a great man. I expect that’s because he’s never faced real challenges.
  
  I suppose I was expecting to learn something new like a momentous event in early British history rather that a series semi-interesting moments.
  
  I suspect the ‘Lord of the Manner’ dialogue and speeches will be totally fascinating and sound new to some; and may well be a good approximation. Of course this is a matter of taste but I felt it was repetitive and too uptight to relate to. I remember writing like that once on an assignment to try and impress an English teacher. I’ll put my neck out and say the old worldly English will be the main draw of the script, which hides some of its shortcomings as well. If that is the point then cool… I have no problem and should stay. My worry is that it just feels like talking heads too much of the time, talking about boring mundane stuff as oppose to showings us conflict, intrigue, deception and romance.
  
  Deeply held emotions are never expressed; and any emotions shown are done conservatively. For example before Harold takes the thrown he has argument, of sort, with his Edith about duty and serving his country but I never saw any conflict; raised voices; turmoil; the sense of loss and what the consequences were. More powerful moment of drama intertwined with the story would certainly make it more interesting than hearing about troop movements and messengers bursting through doors with clinched bits of information. The writer seems almost too afraid to tackle these issues and stays safe with historical facts and script directing.
  
  Scene headings called Exterior ‘The Norman Army’ and ‘ The English Army’ don’t make sense.
  
  Up until be comes king, Harold’s journey seems uninspiring and lacked conflict and tension. He appears to have a safe and comfortable life for the most parts. How does this interest us; where was the struggle? It then seems to change to adventure mode after he becomes King… way too late.
  
  On pg. 107. “William is also searching “. He’s really searching for the escaped prisoners? Doesn’t he have an army to do this?
  
  From the page count I was expecting an epic story but this is mostly due to the formatting of the script with character names split from the action line. I felt it didn’t add much to the overall affect and probably gives the writer and reader false xpectations… “hey its long and so must be about right.” read
• 
  Very proffessional.
  A review of Guardian of the Shore (revised)
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 01/30/2008
  Very well written. I found myself enjoying the story and feeling as though I was back in school studying history. Concept: The concept was great. Even if you were unaware of the historical relevance of the work, the story was carried off well. Dialogue: That too was well done. You managed to capture a way of speaking the English language that gave it a feel of the way people... Very well written. I found myself enjoying the story and feeling as though I was back in school studying history.
  
  Concept: The concept was great. Even if you were unaware of the historical relevance of the work, the story was carried off well.
  
  Dialogue: That too was well done. You managed to capture a way of speaking the English language that gave it a feel of the way people may have talked 1000 years ago. It may not be totally accurate, but it felt right without comming accross like, for instance, Shakespeare. It carried the story along.
  
  Characters: Being actual historical figures is one thing. In your script you managed to bring them to life and have this reader identifying with them. Harold, in particular. It's a shame he had to die. I guess you couldn't really change that though.
  
  Overall: A script that, if I had the talent, I would have been very happy to have written and called my own. But it seems to be aimed at a very specific market, and if a producer was looking for that sort of piece, I wouldn't hesitate to recommend. A polished work.
  Well done, and good luck. read
• 
  Let’s its guard down too often.
  A review of Guardian of the Shore (revised)
  by Ron Aberdeen on 01/30/2008
  Firstly I commend you for taking on a biographical historical character and story. I know the level of research needed to do this as my first script was the story of Boudicca. So I guess we are both from the UK. I noticed that an earlier version made it as a Script of the Month nomination and I congratulate you on this but am somewhat surprised by the opening of your script... Firstly I commend you for taking on a biographical historical character and story. I know the level of research needed to do this as my first script was the story of Boudicca. So I guess we are both from the UK.
  
  I noticed that an earlier version made it as a Script of the Month nomination and I congratulate you on this but am somewhat surprised by the opening of your script as it is completely unprofessional.
  
  Let’s take the opening gambit and explain. Please note I teach scriptwriting in the US and my next week long seminar is in July.
  
  I too came to writing late in life, after I was sixty and although I have only been writing for less than tree years I have two scripts going into production this year.
  
  Now I’ve scripts now being considered by Ridley Scott and have been employed for assignments by producers and directors. So please bear with me I know what I am saying.
  
  FADE IN
  
  EXT. OPEN WOODLAND – DAY [Needs more info]
  
  HAROLD’S POV: CS THE EYES OF A PEREGRINE FALCON [POV is a directional instruction and should be avoided in any spec script]
  
  It flaps its wings in agitation.
  
  We hear Harold’s voice but cannot see him. [Unnecessary as your presentation should make this obvious, visually] He is showing [This is telling not showing a major nuance in selling a script] WULFNOTH (15), how to hunt with hawks. The shadows of light in the woodland give an ethereal quality. [Novelistic description].
  
  The correct way to achieve this scene and stay within the boundaries of spec format is as follows.
  
  FADE IN:
  
  EXT. ENGLAND - WOODLAND – CLEARING – DAY
  
  SUBTITLE: 1052 – ENGLAND
  HAROLD (30), [Harold was 44 when he died so if he is 30 the year must be 1052] stands and searches the sky. He is dressed (whatever) and has a bearing about him. He spots a PEREGRINE FALCON as it flaps its wings in agitation.
  
  WULFNOTH (15), stretches out his arm for the bird to land. He holds his arm bent and low. [This shows a fear].
  
  Streaks of light give the woodland an ethereal quality.
  
  The same in page 2:
  Harold wakes and focuses on TOSTI (29). [This gives the director his choice of how he will film it].
  
  Gyrth is the pragmatist, Leofwine a fun-loving joker. Not really good introductions – if you are the director how do you show this? Don’t write what can’t be seen through a lens.
  
  Write what you want the director to visualise and can capture on film.
  
  Goodwin cannot be 55 he died in 1053 at the age of 52. Accuracy is extremely important in historical scripts.
  
  As I am not sure Goodwin would easily accept the cheers for him to take the crown from his son-in-law.
  
  Placement of Credits is the decision of the producer and director not the writer.
  
  I think you have a great subject but to me it is not presented well.
  
  Most of your business (the descriptive/action text) is telling your story it needs to show it.
  
  Your story is really about Harold and he should be more prominent in the first ten pages. Producers buy scripts that they feel can attract an actor.
  
  Top actors normally only read their role first, to see how much they have of the script, how their character stands out and how the character develops.
  
  What ever your idea for a story is or concept for a film might be, without great characters you have no story.
  
  Worse no sale, because what attracts an actor to a script is the role he will play. That in turn attracts a producer because he has to sell the script to an actor.
  
  So character development is part of the route to success with writing a script.
  
  As the writer, even if the story is based on a real person you have a blank page to create a person. It’s not good enough to just have that character as seen in the script; you have to make them real.
  
  I have to say I was disappointed by this script.
  
  You have the concept of a great story. You have created a consistency relative to the age, but it become confusing, it is not that well structured and none of the characters really stand out the way they should for a big budget movie.
  
  Also I feel you have tried to get too much of the history into the story – decide what the story is, at the moment it is a history lesson and doesn’t grab as a drama vehicle for Harold but more like a mishmash of slightly related incidents.
  
  It is probably 10 pages too long to make the two hour limit you should aim for, when you consider the rule of a page a minute, battle scenes are often longer than that.
  
  I don’t see editing this a problem as you have many scenes not required and often stay too long in the ones you have.
  
  Concentrate of Harold’s story and bring Harold more to the fore earlier.
  
  The back-story and sub plots only need the be there not be a major part of the structure.
  
  You’ve taken on a huge project as your first script and your inexperience shows. Study the craft take your time in perfecting your characters and consider the necessity of each scene. read