How do you clear your name when the man who can clear it is dead?
HOW IT RATES
Who Else Liked This?
LOGLINE: A young man's fragile existence shatters when he's forced to care for the brother who abused him as a child, giving the younger brother a shot at reconciliationÖ or retribution. Triggerstreet Spotlight Submission February 2013 2012 Nicholl top 10% 2012 Creative World Awards Top Ten Finalist June 2012 #1 rated screenplay on Zoetrope 2012 Page Awards second round 2012 StoryPros Quarterfinalist
Other Submissions by happywash
Members Who Like This Submission Also Like...
A divine visitation compels a down-and-out factory worker to rid his white trash world of human vermin.
Alice believes she is aided by God as she plans her fatherís demise and tries to win her mentor.
In the 1920's, loyalty followed its own rules.
Reviews of Broken 30
by EliDonaldson on 10/18/2012I've got to commend you on a very good screenplay. And I will admit that this sort of drama is not usually one of my favorite genres. I'm really more of a raunchy R-rated comedy, romantic-comedy, mystery, and action movie lover. So for me to like this screenplay this much, to me, is proof of how good it is. Concept: I think you took a socialogical issue that isn't touched... I've got to commend you on a very good screenplay. And I will admit that this sort of drama is not usually one of my favorite genres. I'm really more of a raunchy R-rated comedy, romantic-comedy, mystery, and action movie lover. So for me to like this screenplay this much, to me, is proof of how good it is.
I think you took a socialogical issue that isn't touched upon a whole lot in the movies, and wrote a very good story around it.
Your characters weren't exceptional, in my opinion, but you got what you needed out of them.
I think my favorite character was Marina the nurse. She had a very defined personality, and you gave her some habit or ticks. And she gradually changed toward empathizing with Daniel by the end of the story.
Allison was my least favorite character. She seemed to be a little too controlled by the plot, and didn't have a consistent point of view that I could understand her having throughout the story.
You did a very nice job with the dialogue. It is snappy and concise.
You wrote a very good story with a lot of nice touches.
The reoccuring daredevil/parachute toy theme was a skillful touch. It's in the introductory scene. Then it's in Daniel's dream. Then Daniel thinks Kevin would never remember it. Then Daniel discovers it in the package from Kevin's ex-wife. Then it becomes an item that temporarily makes Daniel think that Kevin actually did have some empathy for him. Then Daniel discovers that the toy was actually used in the seduction of the other schoolboy whose family cremated his toy with him. Then Jen suggests to Daniel that there's no telling how many other boys Kevin might have given the daredevil/parachute toy to. And finally, Daniel buries the toy with Kevin. The symbolic use of this toy is a nice touch!
My only problems with the story are Allison's reluctance to trust Daniel. And maybe Daniel's reluctance to tell Allison what went on between himself and Kevin when he was a child. There might be a need for a touch more backstory here about why Allison wouldn't trust Daniel, or why Daniel would feel she wouldn't believe him. Maybe the abuse messed Daniel up so bad he developed a horrible drug problem as a teen, and had a reputation within the family for being very unreliable, and a thief? Or maybe the mother Susan told Allison lies to turn her against Daniel. Maybe Daniel could tell Jen during a session that his mother told horrible lies that caused his sister to not trust him? I don't know; you decide. But I do think it makes the Allison and Daniel interaction make a little more sense if there's some history or reason for her not to trust him in the early going.
Another problem that I have is with Daniel and Jen's relationship. I don't think you escalated it enough during the screenplay. When they are kissing and tearing each others' clothes off on page 89, it kind of seem like it came from nowhere, even though I did have a sense she was interested in him as more than a client... I don't know, I guess I thought a professional therapist/counselor type would be more careful proceeding. It seems to me like there should have been some in-between romantic scenes building up to the clothes ripping.
There are a couple of happenings that could be the inciting incident: Kevin abusing Daniel when they were young, or Allison saying the Daniel has to take care of Kevin if he wants to continue living in the house.
The break into two is when Daniel decides to become Kevin's caretaker.
The mid-point reversal seems to be when Daniel decides that the parachute toy means that Kevin truly did care for him, and empathize with him on some level.
The break into three is when Daniel catches Kevin masturbating on the park bench while the kids are being released from school, and realizes that Kevin will always be a child molester.
The resolution is when Daniel kills Kevin.
There are also later mini-resolutions when Daniel confronts Susan about her abuse of Kevin. And when Daniel throws the parachute toy into Kevin's grave.
You did a very good job here! This is a very professional screenplay.
Good luck on your future writing endevours!
by videogeek on 10/14/2012I enjoyed reading this screenplay. In fact, I reviewed on earlier revision of this script once before, just not sure how long ago. It was very well written. Easy to read. The protagonist's arc was very defined. Although I don't think I could've thrown away the book after all Daniel went through. But that was part of the arc that shows us his journey and how he decides... I enjoyed reading this screenplay. In fact, I reviewed on earlier revision of this script once before, just not sure how long ago. It was very well written. Easy to read. The protagonist's arc was very defined. Although I don't think I could've thrown away the book after all Daniel went through. But that was part of the arc that shows us his journey and how he decides to deal with his past. But as far as the end, I wasn't sure what Daniel's plans for the future were. On page 97, we see Daniel typing away. But was he working on the end of the book? Or did he start a new one as Marina suggested?
One thing I did feel a bit confused about were the locations. Does Daniel live in Chicago or NY? I realize his publisher is in NY, but is that where he was taking care of Kevin? And Allison and Susan live in LA? Just a suggestion, but why not cut Chicago out to simplify things? And if Daniel is taking care of Kevin in his childhood home, why does his mother live in LA and not her own house?
As far as Susan goes, she's pretty unlikable to let the things happen to her kids that did. Did she really sexually abuse Kevin as suggested at the funeral? I'm not sure where child services were when Daniel was growing up. It seems like Kevin beat him pretty badly. Wouldn't a teacher have noticed?
Overall, Kevin as the antagonist doesn't ever change. Even though Daniel thought he had. Maybe Daniel could have found at least one more victim before deciding to kill him. What did he tell police for them not to be suspicious? Kevin was getting better, so wouldn't there have been an autopsy? Although all this might be a little nit picky. Because this is a very good story.
The subject matter is a dark one, maybe not something everyone wants to see a movie about. So I would say that's the only little problem with the script.
We see Kevin physically abusing Daniel a lot, but the sexual abuse is more implied.
Why did Susan hate Daniel so much? What did he do that made Kevin her favorite?
Did Kevin know Daniel was going to kill him on page 94?
How exactly does Molly, a doctor, end up marrying Kevin, a child molester? I know she said she saw love in him. but later she kind of disputed that when she admitted she never wanted to see him again.
How does Daniel's boss, Robinson, know where to find the Ricky boy?
Anyway, overall, I really liked this screenplay. I hope my comments are helpful and good luck with it! Wish you the best! read
by jerdman on 10/12/2012The story took hold of me at the very beginning and held me until the end. The topic is very dark and although there is resolve at the end, itís not the American type of ending. I appreciate the very tightly written and direct script as it simply felt like I got on a train and had to take the ride to the very end. For those who have not read it yet, the story is about... The story took hold of me at the very beginning and held me until the end. The topic is very dark and although there is resolve at the end, itís not the American type of ending. I appreciate the very tightly written and direct script as it simply felt like I got on a train and had to take the ride to the very end.
For those who have not read it yet, the story is about a man who has wrestled with demons his whole life. After running from them for years, he is forced to confront them. As often happens with victims, there is always a sense of trying to understand the actions that others take, to humanize the action or analyze what they did to evoke it. I think the story could have easily felt contrived, but the pace and focus of the story simply felt right.
My one suggestion is the interlace the frog/scorpion story with the actual actions as bringing up that fairly well know story does give the reader a notion of what is about to happen. There may be more impact in an overlap, but play with it and think about it. read
by jsoriginal on 10/01/2012I absolutely loved this screenplay. I think I went through almost every emotion I had reading it. I went from confusion to empathy, sadness, anger, joy to bitterness. The story is captivating. It is a wild ride through Danielís struggle to cope, forgive, and overcome the trauma of his brotherís abuse. His struggles and ultimately road to healing transition directly to... I absolutely loved this screenplay. I think I went through almost every emotion I had reading it. I went from confusion to empathy, sadness, anger, joy to bitterness. The story is captivating. It is a wild ride through Danielís struggle to cope, forgive, and overcome the trauma of his brotherís abuse. His struggles and ultimately road to healing transition directly to the reader.
As great as this story is, it left me asking a few questions (maybe on purpose). First and foremost, why was no autopsy done on Kevin at the end? Also, did he not bleed, or at least scab or bruise from Daniel sticking two air-filled syringes into his Chest? It seems like the police and mortician just swept those details under the rug. Furthermore, it would be nice (either via flashback or otherwise) to know what Susan did to Kevin. Did she sexually abuse him as well? How did the father die? How was Allison completely oblivious to Kevinís behavior? She is only four years older than him. If Kevin was abused, then why can we not assume Allison may have suffered as well?
Furthermore, I am still befuddled by Jenís conversation with Daniel on page 31. She threatens to call Social services and have him kicked out of his own home? How? He is 27 years old. Also, she threatens to call the police about his gun. Is Daniel a felon or someone who otherwise is not allowed to own a gun? I imagine he should be able to carry it if he wants (as long as it is not concealed).
I think I maybe have so many questions because I want to know more and keep the story going. I am hooked on the story and want to know more details.
The dialogue in this movie is superb. It switches between characters and scenes very smoothly and with good dialect. Marina is very humorous and probably the most likable and relatable character in the book. She is strong and just and your use of dialect paints her perfectly. All of the characters, even the detestable Susan are perfectly brought to life the story. I have trouble understanding Molly and Danielís relationship with her. I think she could use a little more input in the story and have some more dialogue with Daniel. I feel she could provide a much more powerful and detailed voice into Kevinís character. Instead, she is dismissive and distant.
This screenplay, with all its twists and turns and incredibly powerful ending left me at the edge of my seat. I would love to see someone turn tis into a feature film. I must say it is incredibly written and relevant. It is a bittersweet told by the a victim that is looking so hard to overcome his sadness and rage. I commend you on a job well done. This script is wonderful. read
by kiyotoe on 09/28/2012The first comment that I want to make is that although your topic is unfortunately too common in our society, this is the first time I've read anything with such a "heavy" subject matter here on Facebook so that was different for me. I'm not sure what to really say in this review because I enjoyed the story very much. It was a heartbreaking story that kept me guessing about... The first comment that I want to make is that although your topic is unfortunately too common in our society, this is the first time I've read anything with such a "heavy" subject matter here on Facebook so that was different for me.
I'm not sure what to really say in this review because I enjoyed the story very much. It was a heartbreaking story that kept me guessing about how it would end. Would Daniel reconcile his hatred for Kevin (which it seemed like he would briefly) or would his painful history with his brother get the best of him (which it ultimately did).
The characters were great, Daniel, Kevin, Allison, Susan were all very distinct, different people who were part of the same family. At times I wondered how Allison escaped the physical and mental abuse that both her brothers suffered at some point but the fact that she did doesn't take anything away from the story. It supports the fact that she seems to be the only one with her head on straight. Marina was also a great scene stealing character in her limited "screen time".
If I had to pick a least favorite it would probably be Jen, partly because I happen to be married to a licensed counselor and know how unethical and unprofessional some of her scenes with Daniel were early in the story but for "Hollywood effect" I completely get it.
The only suggestion I can muster is that maybe one or two more scenes of the recovering Kevin reverting back to his old ways might add to the intensity and tension between he and Daniel. It was like Daniel hated him, spent a little time with him and was ready to forgive him and then caught him in the park masturbating and hated him again. Although that's definitely enough to sway one's feelings of a person I think it would be even stronger if that event were the straw that broke the camel's back after one or two previous, smaller infractions.
Anyway, great story, very emotional and suspenseful. Good luck. read
by Vinny B on 09/27/2012Hello Mr. Hare, I give comments on smaller details as I read, usually just nitpicky take it or leave it fare then my overall, more generalized thoughts on points of improvements at the end. Before I start, congratulations on all the accolades. Nicholl in particular is very impressive. I am glad that Iím about to read what should be a very high quality script, but why do... Hello Mr. Hare, I give comments on smaller details as I read, usually just nitpicky take it or leave it fare then my overall, more generalized thoughts on points of improvements at the end.
Before I start, congratulations on all the accolades. Nicholl in particular is very impressive.
I am glad that Iím about to read what should be a very high quality script, but why do you have it on this site? I know this site can lead to some recognition, but doing so well in so many high caliber competitions, I donít see the point of this script being here. Regardless, I am excited to read what should be a very good script.
AS I READ:
-p.3 If a character speaks, a line of action breaks the speech, and the same character continues speaking, a (CONTíD) needs to be next to their name.
-p.4 Robinson is painted really grimly, but it seems that he has done some good for Daniel, getting him in with his editor friend.
-p. 8, Daniel is flying out tomorrow to NY for the book meeting, and going to LA for his dying mother?
-It may be an outdated method in screenwriting, but I was taught to always ALL CAPS when sounds have been made to special attention.
-p. 12, hurling the photo on the floor Ė great moment
-p.62, Susanís complete oblivion to Kevin/Danielís history is an interesting dilemma, but she is coming overly strong, putting down Daniel so much. Iíd advise scaling it back, but definitely keeping it.
-p.66, The script thus far is falling into the three act structure very nicely, but without being predictable or ďdumb.Ē Very good.
He played you.
He whispers in her ear:
The way you played me.Ē This moment is a bit too ďfilmyĒ for me. The whisper in the ear is an obvious effect that never happens in real life but happens in movies all the time. Considering the realism on display in the script, this moment took me out. Something to consider I suppose.
-p.90 the (not quite) sex scene with Jen was very interesting. It seems Daniel cannot have a genuine connection with a woman due to his past, but he can emotionlessly bang prostitutes.
-p.91 nice touch with the scorpion/frog story. Drives a point home.
As you can see, there was a large gap in the as I read section of my notes. I was so drawn in, I didnít want to stop reading to type.
I thought this was pretty phenomenal, worthy of the recognition it has received. There were many very smart setup/payoffs (I in particular thought the ďput them down permanentlyĒ was very smart). It was a foreshadow to the end that I didnít realize was a foreshadow.
Daniel is a very complex character whose journey is very interesting. I didnít personally like him all that much. I felt pity for him more than sympathy, but he was so fascinating that I wanted to follow him on his journey.
There were some instances of unnecessary action sentences/blocks. For Example:
Daniel realizes heís put the cart before the horse.
Shit. Can you stay for a few days?Ē By the dialogue, we can see what Daniel has realized, no need to include it in the action as well.
Also, as pointed out before, Susan is about as subtle as a sledge hammer, but suggesting that she abused Kevin, who in turn abused Daniel is interesting, and also plays with the ďabuser becomes the abusedĒ theory going on (though, that would mean Daniel is now going to turn, by that rationale). But, Susan taking out her resentment on Daniel for what she herself did to Kevin is great, I just think the manner in which it is done could be a bit more subdued.
The entire script was fascinating and has a viewpoint on physical/sexual abuse I have never really seen before. This script is actually quite similar in thematics (and to a smaller degree concept) to a script Iíve been conceptualizing for a while. I donít think the subject matter can be approached better than you have displayed here, but there was an idea I found interesting present in mine and not yours, so here is a suggestion if youíd like it. You have taken the gauntlet (plus I was thinking of discarding that idea anyway, and now, I definitely will).
There was a moment in the script when a psychiatristís studies were brought up, asking pedos if they knew what they were doing was right or wrong. Some said they knew it was wrong, but not why. My idea, take it or leave it of course, was about pedos who know abusing kids is wrong, they know why (because it potentially ruins their lives/destroys innocence etc.), but still they cannot help themselves? Suggesting a sexual attraction to children is biological, just like a hetero male to female, a homo male to male, etc. So, in that sense, it adds a layer of sympathy in the sense that pedos cannot help themselves because they are genetically inclined to be that way. I donít know if that would work within this script, but itís an idea I find interesting (and most likely controversial).
But beyond that, the script was very well written (maybe too prosey?), fascinating, and did not shy away from the darker elements of the subject matter while also being non-exploitative.
Fantastic job Mr. Hare read
by Rfordyce on 09/25/2012If this isnít the best script Iíve yet read on Trigger Street, itís pretty damn close to it. Iím blown away, Will, by your expertise and the skill with which you handle this harrowing but gripping subject. The writing is bold, the characters completely recognisable, the imagery memorable. Congratulations on producing such a polished piece of storytelling. Against the quality... If this isnít the best script Iíve yet read on Trigger Street, itís pretty damn close to it. Iím blown away, Will, by your expertise and the skill with which you handle this harrowing but gripping subject. The writing is bold, the characters completely recognisable, the imagery memorable. Congratulations on producing such a polished piece of storytelling. Against the quality of what you have here, the notes Iíve made are very minor. There are a few things which I think could be improved, but overall Iím green with envy. No, dammit, I hate you Ė itís official!
Itís not a subject one would normally associate with box-office success, and yet I think the way youíve approached it makes it accessible to a wide audience. I can only speculate about how much of this has been gleaned through your personal experiences, but certainly it has the feel of someone who is close to the subject-matter.
Daniel is a very effective lead character. He is by no means an attractive personality, but his backstory is immediately made prominent in a way which leaves us wanting more to be revealed Ė and indeed itís drip-fed to us very skilfully as we proceed through the story. The other main characters all have distinctive personalities and voices. Itís just occurred to me that there is no Ďantagonistí in the traditional sense, but rather a series of both internal and external obstacles which Daniel has to negotiate. And this is entirely in keeping with Danielís character, in that he is fighting himself from the word go; fighting against the experiences which have made him what he is.
On that point, I do feel that you could push the boat out a little more in respect of depicting on screen the physical abuse which Daniel has suffered. I realise that this is a very sensitive subject, and you rightly steer away from making this story a vehicle for titillation and prurient gawping, but the emotional depths which Daniel has plumbed need to be made clear if you want the audience to identify with him.
Perhaps the one major point I would make is that I donít really understand the ending. Thereís obviously a lot of significance attached to Kevinís final dialogue with Daniel, and also the final scene between Daniel and Susan. What did Kevin say, apart from ĎGoodbyeí? And what does Daniel mean when he says, ĎI know what you did to Keviní? Maybe you mean it to be ambiguous Ė in which case itís unsettling Ė or maybe Iím just thick Ė which is much more likely. Either way, I felt slightly cheated by the ending.
Also I find it difficult to fathom Susanís personality. Why is she so antagonistic towards Daniel? Her dislike seems to go well beyond the fact that Daniel hasnít had much material success in his life. But unless I missed it, thereís no real explanation about why she has her affections so firmly attached to Kevin rather than his younger sibling. Similarly there is clearly a significant backstory attached to the boysí father. Susan says these Ďwounds are healedí but that seems to be all that weíre given. If youíre going to make him a factor in the story, I think you need to offer more than weíre given here.
In terms of the storyline Ė and it is a minor point Ė I donít follow that Robinson seems quite happy to give Daniel a recommendation to a literary agent who could get Danielís book published. His attitude to Daniel working on his book in company time seems pretty clear, so it seems a bit strange that he then offers him a path to publication. Are the Chicago newspaper and the publishing company part of the same group? Perhaps you can just amplify this a little.
Other reading notes I made:
2 Bland, tan office. Cubicles from the 70s.
This confused me for the first few pages. I thought the story is set in the 1970s. But it canít be, since youíve got cellphones, thumb drives and laptops all over the place. You might just want to remove that ambiguity.
2 DANIEL MILLER (27), pale sorrow in a second-hand suit, adds to the tuneless symphony, but he hears none of it.
The first of many brilliant thumbnail descriptions; well done. Your portrayal of Daniel throughout Act 1 at the bottom of lifeís trough is really powerful.
18 He smashes the mirror. Perhaps this image could be reflected (Ha! Ha!) at other points in the story to reinforce your theme?
21 Thank you for sharing, Diane.
Would be good to have a pregnant silence here, nodding heads Ė before Danielís outburst.
22 DANIEL (V.O.)
April 25th. JFK. Possible insert.
I donít think V.O. is the right usage here if we're hearing a recording. Perhaps just write the slug as DANIELíS VOICE or some such.
23 ... to a door near the living room. Heís already in the living room. Just say Ď... to the main doorí.
23 Iíll do it. End of Act 1, right on cue.
24-25 A montage as it should be done. I like the beard.
39 Might be more effective to have the bathroom flashback taking place IN the bathroom rather than later.
47 What part of ďevery weekĒ did you not understand?
Very clichťd phrasing. You can find something better.
51 Great moment when Daniel finds the toy.
52 Kevin had it on him when he came to me for help.
Small quibble - if Molly was in NY and Kevin was in LA when the stroke happened, how did the toy get to Molly?
54 I no answer phone. Poker tournament.
Maybe you could plant a reference to the poker theme earlier to set up this moment.
59 Kevin asks if Daniel misses Dad. So this is the first time heís been mentioned. Where are we going with it?
62 Not sure that the Ďcigarette sceneí earns its place.
67 MRS. CANTORSHIP (40), her looks maintained by her wealthy lifestyle... unfilmable.
90 I like that Danielís erotic encounter with Jen is a dead-end. It points up the fact that Daniel hasnít finished his journey yet.
93 Iím assuming youíve done your medical research on the effects of the syringes. And... isnít an autopsy required for sudden unexplained deaths?
102 Sorry, I donít understand the final dialogue.
Typos and boring stuff:
7 The rumbling ... drowns out...
7 ...travellersí conversations...
8 His ... hair and ... pallor set Danielís teeth on edge.
24 A cleaning crew picks up trash. They dust and mop.
71 How do they do it?
Iím done, Will. Sorry my notes are so brief, but itís your own fault. This is a great script. Go sell it. read
by jflynn31 on 09/24/2012Overall this is an exceptionally good story. One of the best Iíve read on this website. For the sake of the story, Iím going to focus on the problems rather than laud you with praise. Youíve got a few tics that really undermine this work. You coach your actors in your stage direction and it makes your story seem melodramatic. Mostly, the coaching is completely unnecessary... Overall this is an exceptionally good story. One of the best Iíve read on this website. For the sake of the story, Iím going to focus on the problems rather than laud you with praise.
Youíve got a few tics that really undermine this work. You coach your actors in your stage direction and it makes your story seem melodramatic. Mostly, the coaching is completely unnecessary since your dialogue is strong enough to allow the reader to fill in the blanks. Thus your charactersí eyes donít need to fill with trepidation. They donít need to recoil at any questions or flinch from any memories. If you remove these bits and find that your scene lacks necessary punch or clarity, you should probably fix (strengthen) the dialogue. Or the stage direction, provided you donít describe something thatís completely cliche or that canít be filmed. Hence constructions like scrolling the ďemotional rolodexĒ or flashing something ďresembling a smileĒ donít really work. Pinching the bridge of the nose is hackneyed shorthand for demonstrating exasperation or frustration. Iíd nix those if I were you.
Your dialogue is strong throughout but a few things slow the story down. Iíd retool Marinaís character. She straight out of central casting. A gruff but lovable Eastern European woman who omits articles and pronouns? After the third exchange, I came to dread her every appearance. I had a similar problem with Kevinís phonetic speech. Youíve written the words phonetically, to remind the reader that heís struggling to speak. However, the phonetic representation is usually exactly the way the word would be pronounced. Itís a heavy-handed affectation that pops the reader out of the story for a moment. Thatís not good.
A writer has to look hard for anything that can even be mistaken for cliche. The Scorpion speech at the end, appears in The Crying Game. I found myself expecting events and many of them occurred. I knew Marinna would emerge as a hero. I knew Jen would make herself available for an awkward sexual encounter.
I have to commend you for your ending. I canít stress this point enough. All of the dominant themesó overcoming injury, rehabilitation of a child molester, the quest for closure, etcó are meant to be mysteries. Or at the very least, the subject of eternal debate. I worried that youíd tie the loose ends up ďtooĒ nicely. You didnít. I think itís troubling that Daniel killed Kevin but I think it fits the story. I think you earned that bit of drama. I also like that Daniel disposed of the thumbdrive. To me, that was the watershed moment and redeemed a lot of the troubling issues that came before.
Youíve done a great job here. Please notice that most of my criticism is subjective and based on my personal taste. Keep up the good work. read
by ischneid87 on 09/23/2012Broken is a gripping, powerful drama that is more than worthy of its outstanding accolades. Will tells a brilliant story highlighted by a page-turning sense of suspense and a sparse, yet powerful use of flashback. The story revolves around Daniel Miller, a struggling writer forced to care for his disabled, but abusive brother. When he becomes the subject of his own promising... Broken is a gripping, powerful drama that is more than worthy of its outstanding accolades. Will tells a brilliant story highlighted by a page-turning sense of suspense and a sparse, yet powerful use of flashback.
The story revolves around Daniel Miller, a struggling writer forced to care for his disabled, but abusive brother. When he becomes the subject of his own promising book, Daniel has to deal with long-suppressed issues and learns to break the cycle of abuse that destroyed his family.
p. 2 I'd consider capitalizing "child," since its the first time the character is introduced (even though it's technically just the 5-year old protagonist.)
p. 36 "Robinson looks over copy." Was this a typo? Does he look over "A copy"? Just a confusing sentence to me.
p. 72 "Daniel scrolls through his emotional rolodex." This didn't translate well to me visually. Maybe it did for others, I don't know.
p. 101 Not sure if the flashback to Kevin's death is totally necessary. In the scene before you set it up revealing Susan's abuse of Kevin triggered Kevin's abuse of Daniel. I was expecting the flashback to maybe relate to this revelation, but it really didn't. Just something to consider.
p. 102 "A beautiful gut punch."I love oxymorons. Great piece of writing.
p. 103 When Daniel tosses the flash drive into Kevin's grave and says, "Never. Goodbye, Josh." I wasn't sure if this was supposed to be voiced-over or not, especially since I doubt Josh was with him at Kevin's grave. Just something to consider.
-This isn't a particularly deep review because it is very well-written and because drama isn't really my genre of choice. Nonetheless, it was a hell of a page-turner and kept me enthralled the whole time. You were very sparing in revealing details about Daniel's past and character throughout which made further reading all the more compelling.
-I liked your dialog. Although I'm more into comedic dialog, none of the dialog was overwritten and all of it served a distinct purpose. All your characters sounded unique. In addition, you did a nice job transitioning Kevin's dialog from broken and poorly-spelled to more proper grammar as his recovery progressed. Great job.
-I thought Daniel killing Kevin was an especially beautiful moment. It's beauty was exaggerated because earlier he wanted to kill Kevin with his gun out of revenge, but instead later kills him out of some kind of mercy. I didn't fully understand his rationale, but I didn't have to. It was emotionally twisting and beautiful nonetheless.
-The use of the dare-devil toy was a great symbol and plant. Awesome.
-I loved your ability to gradually shift the antagonism of the story from Kevin to Susan, and showing Susan to be ultimately the most at-fault for Daniel's pain. I think she could have been cast in a more positive light early to exaggerate this shift, but it's also just fine the way it is.
That's about it. Not a lot of notes, mainly because this a thoroughly polished screenplay. It's well-deserving of its accolades, and has a bright future ahead of it.
This is the first screenplay I've ever given 5-stars and it deserves each and every one of them.
by obscurityknocks on 09/22/2012There has rarely been a more aptly titled tale than "Broken." Given what atrocities Daniel has had to suffer through, how could he be anything but "Broken." In fact, the story itself is just the opposite, flowing seamlessly from page to page, tugging relentlessly at the heartstrings with each turn. I can count on one hand the screenplays I've finished in a single sitting,... There has rarely been a more aptly titled tale than "Broken." Given what atrocities Daniel has had to suffer through, how could he be anything but "Broken."
In fact, the story itself is just the opposite, flowing seamlessly from page to page, tugging relentlessly at the heartstrings with each turn. I can count on one hand the screenplays I've finished in a single sitting, but this is now one of them.
Daniel, faults and vices aplenty, is a fantastic, layered character and shines through in the otherwise dark story.
Overall, this is a fantastic tale of a familyís deepest, darkest secrets--secrets that aren't fully unfurled until the script's haunting final pages. Highly recommended. read
- Writer: Will Hare
- Uploaded by: happywash
- Length: 104 pages
- Genre: drama
- Bio: Live, play, write, act, and sing in New York City. I've got a couple of degrees in acting, a great gal, and a wonderful network of writers that I meet with weekly. If you're not in a writer's group, stop reading this and get in one. Your writing will improve ten-fold. I love Queen, Muse, King's X, and Steve Vai (music), Andrew Vachss, Robert Crais, Lee Child, David Morrell, and Jo Nesbo (books), Duck Soup, Wall-E, Cloud Atlas, Goodfellas, and Rocky II (movies), Justified, Breaking Bad, Person of Interest, Dexter, and Homeland (television), NYC pizza, Crumb's bakery, and blueberries (food). I think that's enough.
Members Who Like This Submission Also Like...
A divine visitation compels a down-and-out factory worker to rid his white trash world of human vermin.
Alice believes she is aided by God as she plans her fatherís demise and tries to win her mentor.
In the 1920's, loyalty followed its own rules.
Copyright © 2001-2013 Trigger Street Labs. All Rights Reserved.