Reviews of Harmony 5

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  Review of Harmony
  A review of Harmony
  by Parthenis on 01/16/2013
  This is an action packed, high octane story that would be interesting to see on the big screen. However, I'm feeling that it's more of a movie of the week project,(which is not a bad thing). I do have some issues with the dialogue between David and Al-Benzy on two fronts-- the content and the length. I don't like some of the philosophical content banter between these two men... This is an action packed, high octane story that would be interesting to see on the big screen. However, I'm feeling that it's more of a movie of the week project,(which is not a bad thing). I do have some issues with the dialogue between David and Al-Benzy on two fronts-- the content and the length. I don't like some of the philosophical content banter between these two men. It feels choreographed and preachy. Plus, on page 74 when Al-Benzy says: "America does not know what is hungry, or what is sick. You only care about television and clothes. You are a people who do nothing but eat and get fat..." I found this to be the most offensive and I'm not even American! The second issue is the large blocks of dialogue and the length of the talking scenes, especially between David and Al-Benzy. At one point it runs from page 72 to 77 and again from page 80 to the top of page 83.
  
  Some personal observations: It feels as though David has changed Al-Benzy's mind about killing him far too easily. Al-Benzy is a committed terrorist, part of a terrorist organization. He also has a personal motivation for revenge, the death of his family. Why would he be so easily persuaded (or at least it felt too easy for me) to change his mind.
  
  On page 80, Major Rajhad speaks Dari (with English subtitles) to the UN forces. Are the UN forces all of the same nationality and how will the American soldiers understand what he`s saying.
  
  I understood that Al-Benzy is in charge of this mission, but when he decides not to execute David, Fakhim moves in. Al-Benzy looks powerless to stop Fakhim. Maybe terrorists do not have a strong chain of command and if this was your goal to highlight this, then it was brilliant. If not, then Al-Benzy comes across as being weak and unbelievable. A strong leader would have put Fakhim in his place.
  
  I still think this story should be told but it needs some tweaking and serious consideration to the philosophical content. My take on Al-Benzy`s tirade against the essence of America is: Yeah I know what other people think of us. I`ve heard it all before, what a bunch of bullshit, blah blah blah. You can punch America in the face and expose all her weaknesses but it may not go down very well with the public. Take it from me, I`m Canadian and I felt personally attacked by Al-Benzy`s words. Maybe that`s the message you want conveyed but it just comes across as too on the nose. Hope my comments help. Best of luck. JP read
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  Harmony Review
  A review of Harmony
  by rrm on 01/03/2013
  You have a ok, basic story, with some good, strong dialogue. Here are some points to consider: Page one, you start off setting a nice tone, but then you go into too much prose, with the “high school freshman”, then the “perfect ambience……” These are nicely written, and fitting for a novel, but not filmable, and thus not good for a screenplay. The dialogue w the doctor is... You have a ok, basic story, with some good, strong dialogue. Here are some points to consider:
  
  Page one, you start off setting a nice tone, but then you go into too much prose, with the “high school freshman”, then the “perfect ambience……” These are nicely written, and fitting for a novel, but not filmable, and thus not good for a screenplay.
  
  The dialogue w the doctor is pretty good. The actions in parenthesis’ should be action lines. “( )” should be for tone of speech, is how I understand that it should be used.
  
  p. 10 – “the image occurs to David like an avant-garde family portrait. However nice the description is, you’re killing the “screenplay” reader with all this prose!
  
  I enjoyed reading the action of the convoy moving out and along. The dialogue is too long-winded in my opinion. I would chop at least 30% out of those long pieces.
  
  p. 29 – we meet Annette. How is she dressed? Does she dress in traditional local, coverings, or offend Jabbar? More description might build things with her, here.
  
  While it’s rather far-fetched the waiters could get weapons in, it moves along well – good job.
  
  Almost 8 pages of him talking w his wife and son – I suggest cutting that by at least half.
  
  Some good dialogue. It does drag at times, but almost all of the interaction between the two enemies moves the story forward. Anything that repeats, or is long-winded could be cut down.
  
  The dialogue between the two terrorists feels far too simplified. Why wouldn’t they speak in Arabic? Since Al-Benzy is American-educated, I would think it would be a reason to justify him having a more eloquent vocabulary.
  
  I hope these notes are helpful to you!
  Ron read
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  not my kind of genre but was pleasantly suprised
  A review of Harmony
  by laurakearsey on 12/27/2012
  hi nick. So I'm a girl and british and since i saw act of valor- army movies are not my thing. But i decided to give it a go and was pleasantly suprised. your writing is brilliant- first 60 pages i flew through it- u really set up the horrors and your action sequences are brilliant! david is wonderful- everything a protagonist should be . relatable, likeable and flawed. your... hi nick. So I'm a girl and british and since i saw act of valor- army movies are not my thing. But i decided to give it a go and was pleasantly suprised. your writing is brilliant- first 60 pages i flew through it- u really set up the horrors and your action sequences are brilliant! david is wonderful- everything a protagonist should be . relatable, likeable and flawed. your description is lean (i did get lost at times with the army talk but thats just me) you obviously know your stuff. here are my notes...
  
  the beheading of roger- brilliantly done- u really feel everything- amazing job.
  
  - proof read it= you have some capitals missing and some grammatical errors.
  - the dialogue got a little too on the nose with the torture room- a bit speechy if you like- make it more back and forth- i know it's a man pleading for his life but you're a good enough writer to not use so many speeches.
  
  likewise, the skype home was a little on the nose- you've shown you can write- leave the son's voice a bit more intriguing- 17 year olds and a tad awkward.
  
  
  your writers voice comes in the descriptions- leave it out- description is just what we see, not emotions.
  
  the ending confused me- i have respect for david getting killed but u say they storm the basement and it's empty- then they were there all the time- it got confusing- i couldn't figure it out. a US team would search everything- doesn't make sense. perhaps you have them find them minutes after david's beheading and Ghazi has slipped out the back? stay true to your story.
  
  Overall- a great read- well done on a job well done- i didn't expect to enjoy it but i did- just don't get too preachy- especially for an international audience. well done read
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  Great concept, though lacks proper structure
  A review of Harmony
  by evandaurio on 12/23/2012
  Hey. Just gonna do some running notes while I read your script, and then provide a general overview of what I felt. Let’s start: Page 1: This introduction is very long and does not really provide us with any specifics as to what is going on. Long, drones on- pretty unnecessary the way it is. Considering you get judged on how every page looks, especially your first page, this... Hey. Just gonna do some running notes while I read your script, and then provide a general overview of what I felt.
  Let’s start:
  
  Page 1: This introduction is very long and does not really provide us with any specifics as to what is going on. Long, drones on- pretty unnecessary the way it is. Considering you get judged on how every page looks, especially your first page, this is something I would seriously consider editing.
  
  Page 4: Capitalization issue on the first “well” of Dr. Callahan
  
  Page 9: Starting to realize you don’t like writing sentences on the same line. It gets annoying after a while and really disrupts the flow of your story. I would fix it.
  
  Page 16: Sparkle, not sparkel.
  
  Page 18: I have no idea what is going on in this scene, nor do I know why you are just throwing in Charlie Sheen. Doesn’t seem to make sense so clarify or cut.
  
  Page 25: You are dealing with a sensitive subject, so maybe be a little softer on the Islam bashing that your characters do. I get that it’s the stance of the characters, but at this point in the screenplay you haven’t shown enough of how religion has factored in to go about and blatantly bash a religion.
  
  Page 30: By this point in the screenplay, there should be some indication of what the story is going to focus on. You have action, but unless the audience knows what it is building towards, then it is useless and empty.
  
  Page 34: Finally some action! This needs to happen way earlier in the screenplay. Nobody is going to want to wait 35 minutes into a movie in order to figure out why they are watching something. You need to do a better job getting me interested cause from pages 15-34 I really did not care what was happening.
  
  Page 39: Some of your action scenes are easy to follow, but this one is not. So many “he’s” that don’t identify to any specific character and a lot of action that is challenging to follow. Read it out loud and determine what you are trying to say, and then say it instead of making the action sound more confusing than it probably is.
  
  Page 41: The onomatopoeia is getting tedious at this point. It does not add to anything.
  
  Page 44: I really don’t like the way you wrote Matt’s dialogue. It’s hard to understand what he is saying in English.
  
  Page 68: Capitalization problem on the word “true”
  
  Page 79: thank you, not “thankyou”
  
  Page 89: More capitalization issues.
  
  Alright, done. You have a great concept here, but I think you take too long to get into the crux of the story. We only get these conversations at around page 50, and frankly the crux of your story shouldn’t start midway through it. I would move this back, maybe even to page 25 and have these conversations pan out over time, thus providing you with more time to develop the characters further and allow for their changes over time.
  
  All in all, the dialogue is pretty solid and the concept is there, but you really need to refocus your attention on the main storyline because right now it seriously lacks focus.
  
  Best of luck! read
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  Okay Episode of 24
  A review of Harmony
  by Jsparano on 12/16/2012
  Harmony has some grand ideas but the narrative drifts into pure preaching and rhetoric. While the setting is exciting and suspenseful, there is just not enough here to make a moving out of. It feels dated and reminded me more of the series "24" then a fully realized screenplay. The main character starts in "Apocalypse Now" fashion, which is a full cliche by now, and then continues... Harmony has some grand ideas but the narrative drifts into pure preaching and rhetoric. While the setting is exciting and suspenseful, there is just not enough here to make a moving out of. It feels dated and reminded me more of the series "24" then a fully realized screenplay. The main character starts in "Apocalypse Now" fashion, which is a full cliche by now, and then continues with more stock characters uttering all that Marine jargon we've heard a million times. Not that the story doesn't have merit, it's a worthwhile pursuit to try to explain both sides of a very complicated war, but again there is just not enough plot or engaging characters to pull it off. read