Reviews of HAWAIIANSTEIN 22

• 
  quirky tropical caper needs more
  A review of HAWAIIANSTEIN
  by endangeredfilms on 01/16/2012
  It seems like the writer intends to create his own take on an Elmore Leonard novel. I enjoy that style, and I'm always interested in a modern take on the ultimate noir hero from The Maltese Falcon to Chinatown to The Big Lebowski, the wisecracking and down on his luck Private Eye. My big note is that Sonny is just not there. I would never say, "make him more likeable," because... It seems like the writer intends to create his own take on an Elmore Leonard novel. I enjoy that style, and I'm always interested in a modern take on the ultimate noir hero from The Maltese Falcon to Chinatown to The Big Lebowski, the wisecracking and down on his luck Private Eye.
  
  My big note is that Sonny is just not there. I would never say, "make him more likeable," because that's ridiculous. Many of cinema's great characters are unlikeable. The antihero produces some of the most memorable roles of all time. But Sonny's not memorable. Sarcastic and difficult and independent. But not very impressive. Particularly grating is his continued dropping of factoids, those people are obnoxious and often insecure. That will show up onscreen. And if he's going to crib directly from "Freakonomics" on multiple occasions, he should at least have the book lying around.
  
  Also, the endless ellipses and double-dashes have got to go. Those are infuriating to read when they're used as much as they are in this script, and they also make an actor and director's lives more difficult.
  
  Stylistically, the script appears to know where it wants to go. It just needs more truth. Wherever it can be found. Truth is more interesting than style.
  
  Best of luck in the writing. read
• 
  Review: Hawaiianstein
  A review of HAWAIIANSTEIN
  by ProfRedSweater on 01/10/2012
  “Hawaiianstein” is a detective story chocked full of atmosphere and colorful personalities, that maximizes its location and helps usher us into a unique world. I think of it as “Dylan Dog” meets “Magnum P.I.”. However, despite some solid plot progressions, I felt like the mystery progression just wasn’t progressing as well, and it lead to a hurtling ending that jumbled motivations... “Hawaiianstein” is a detective story chocked full of atmosphere and colorful personalities, that maximizes its location and helps usher us into a unique world. I think of it as “Dylan Dog” meets “Magnum P.I.”. However, despite some solid plot progressions, I felt like the mystery progression just wasn’t progressing as well, and it lead to a hurtling ending that jumbled motivations and left an unsatisfied taste in my mouth.
  
  CONCEPT:
  Like I said, the atmosphere is great here, and our tarnished hero fits right in. I like how he’s a man in a deep drink-fueled spiral down to the pits. He may have been something once, but now he’s just getting cheap satisfaction off of sneaking a peek at some girls toes. His redemption is worth watching, and the world of meth addicts and strippers kind of goes into that entire “satisfying base urges to distract you from your problems” mentality.
  
  One thing with the strippers. It feels like a bit much after a while. Specifically the strippers freezing mid-sexual act in the apartment, that really pushes it. Because of this by the time we get to Tina in the sex club it’s really all feeling indulgent, like a T&A show that is just using a flimsy plotline for excuses to get women naked. I know this ties in to a theme, specifically Satin’s speech at the end. But It really needs toning back a little to avoid that Zombie Strippers senseless indulgence. I’d suggest not showing the girls pleasuring each other in that scene. It’s gratuitous, especially for a comedy. Instead make it fun. Have the girls covered in whip cream, or something sillier and more original ideally. Maybe cut out a few lap dances here (because there’s a ton of them in the story). One added result of this is that then when you cut to Tina as a stripper it will actually have an impact instead of just “oh look, another girl taking her clothes off”.
  
  Anyway, the first 15 pages set up the story pretty nicely, giving Sonny a strong call to action and setting up the redemption story. It definitely made me want to read more.
  
  DIALOGUE:
  The dialogue is such a mix for me. On the one side, it’s incredibly specific at times, and I can’t think of a situation where people just bluntly say something without an injection o personality. So that’s really quite good, and to be commended. But on the other side there are some real issues with flow at times.
  
  Too often I found myself unsure about why people were saying what they were saying. It didn’t feel like a direct response to the previous line, and it caused me to feel like I was lost and that I missed something. It’s possible I did on some cases, but I also would read back and see what I was missing. I made detail notes of this below. Some of it may have been generic pronouns I suppose, but the dialogue really needs cleaning up to flow a bit better.
  
  Additionally I’m going to discuss Zig and Louie here and their religious discussion. I understand that this religious angle is an important theme to the story. But Zig and Louie (despite taking different sides) talk almost identically and it really lessens the impact and causes me to just glaze over. They’re personalities need to come across more in the way they talk, not just in the content of it. As written now they are very annoying in that it all feels like basic freshman pseudo-intellectual bs. On the flip, I was happy when Sonny called them out for being annoying.
  
  CHARACTERS:
  Outside of Zig/Louie, most of the characters were pretty unique, and also unique from each other, which made it a fun populated world.
  
  A problem I had with Sonny was that he was just terribly unlikable at first. Those first 10 pages are just tough to read. When Tio dies, you feel for him, and thus he becomes relatable, but he’s still kind of a lowlife. If I might suggest, Sonny’s contribution to Zig/Louie’s religious debate sounds like drunken meaningless babble right now. Instead if there was a way for him to show real concise, non-drunk-babbling insight into their conversation then that would make us respect the real guy, who exists below the boozing foot-fantasizing lowlife. Maybe that’s what’s trying to happen now, but it’s not the reaction I have. Perhaps this is just because I’ve read too many religious/philosophical debates and I have a tendency to roll my eyes at people who are trying to sound smart instead of actually being smart, which is what it seems like Sonny is doing here. (Note: At the crime scene in the bank we respect him a little, but it also sounds like he’s just telling what he saw through the window, which I don’t think is true?)
  
  Besides that Sonny had a nice arc with a redemptive moment at the end and some nice moments showing his progression by how he wasn’t drinking.
  
  Tina… hmm. I figured she was a stripper from her first scene when she talked about her other job. I don’t know if it was supposed to be a surprise, but it only made more sense to me as we progressed. I may be alone on this though, and I don’t know if the reveal needs to be that shocking, although I suspect it would be better if it was shocking. I don’t know how to hide that though. Maybe the phrasing about the other job in the first scene? But I don’t know, if no one else is guessing this then don’t worry about it.
  
  My other concern with Tina falls more under story. I just really didn’t know what was going on with her at the end, and her romantic relationship with Sonny really felt pushed on me, so that at the end when they’re both trying to sacrifice each other it felt manufactured and not entirely believable. To fix this I suggest adding in a little sexual tension to their first conversation over the phone. Set up to the audience this troubling romantic relationship. If I were to guess, I’d say that Tina likes Sonny cause he’s smart, and kind of like a wounded dog that she wants to fix. Sonny on the other hand likes Tina, but he’s too much of a self-loathing drunk. He doesn’t respect himself so he doesn’t think he belongs with any one. What’s nice is that then Sonny’s rise back into a self-respect works well for both of them coming together. Just a thought.
  
  I made a note about Lily in my detailed notes, but just to repeat. While she works as is, I think her death would be a lot more powerful if we got at least one moment to feel sorry for her. Like if we see her actually mourning Tio’s death. Maybe sobbing over a picture when she kicks Sonny out.
  
  STRUCTURE:
  The setup was solid. Killing Tio a nice twist, and then pulling Sonny into the story when he discovers the connection to Tio at the crime scene was a nice touch. The escalation of events makes sense with a punctuation on Lily also being killed and Sonny getting framed that heightens the stakes. The reveal of Tina came at around the right place, and then everything afterwards was in place, if unclear, but I’ll hit those problems in story.
  
  So, yeah, everything was good here, not breaking from standard format with anything crazy, but that’s ok.
  
  STORY:
  Like I said, I loved the churning of plot and the raising of stakes for Sonny. However, I thought the mystery really lacked that same progression. Sonny finds the matchbooks on page 29 and then pretty much he doesn’t gain any more knowledge until he blurts it all out during his lap dance on page 87. And I realize there are drops of knowledge spread in those pages in between, but there isn’t the piecing together of a mystery by Sonny, and as the protagonist he’s the guy we identify with and we want to piece it together with him.
  
  Let me look back…
  32-40: Matchbook 1 - Goes to End Zone – Asks to talk to the Boss (for unknown reason), finds out bosses name. Some guys talk bout Meth but he doesn’t understand. Feels like a dead end.
  50: Chan is dead, but he’s just told that in a paper. Decides to arrange bachelor Party.
  51: Sees a limo at the funeral asks Tina to check it out (for some unknown reason).
  60: Discovers he has lots of money in his bank.
  61-75: Matchbook 2: Has a Bachelor Party. As far as I can tell he learns nothing. Dead end.
  84: Sees other matchbook from here, learns that Tio came here.
  86: Learns limo was nothing, just a rental.
  87: Reveals everything to Tina.
  
  Where’s the mystery progression here? Essentially Sonny learns nothing on his own before page 84. Everything is either a dead end (end zone, bachelor party, limo) or revealed to him by someone else or something random (newspaper, bank). So we don’t really get the feeling of solving the mystery with him, which is the real pleasure of a mystery. Then when he just spouts everything on 87, nothing feels earned and we don’t know how he put it together.
  
  Some solutions? Make him more active in exploring Chan’s death. Maybe they know where he went fishing and so they go to his beachhouse. Then drunk Sonny goes out to piss on the beach and finds the corpse there instead. And he runs inside and into a big pile of meth (or something better there). Also have something come out of the Bachelor party. Maybe also connect it to Meth here. Then give him a moment where he’s piecing it together, what Tio was doing. But leave some unanswered questions and let him struggle with those.
  
  I want to be clear though, his personal progression of what’s at stake and the turning of plot is really solid, it’s why the script still reads well. But it kind of masks that the protagonist isn’t really very active or successful in working through the mystery, and I really think adding that will take it to a whole new level.
  
  Quick on the ending. I’m not sure I got all the plots that were going on. Here’s what I think happened. Tio was helping to handle the meth market, he was killed by the strippers who needed money and coincidentally turned to the meth dealers, however they wanted the girls to rob a bank. It was a coincidence that they killed Tio (they feared he would recognize her) but doing so caused the entire balance of the meth market to come unbalance and Satin took advantage of that. She consolidated them and took control by herself. She caught Sonny snooping, and Lily wanted her cut of Tio’s market, so she tried to kill one bird with one stone by framing Sonny for killing Lily. It didn’t work and so she planned to make it look like Sonny killed Tina and then committed suicide.
  
  I think that’s mostly right, but where I’m lost is what Tina’s role in all of this? That strip scene where he chokes her threw me for a loop (when did he tell her to just play along?), but afterwards it seems like she was just role playing? So she didn’t do any of those things… which makes sense. But then I never really got clarity about if she was just joking or if she really was involved in some ways. At the very end she gives that line of “Who did you think it was that need to be saved?” and I have no idea what that means.
  
  Anyway, I’m still confused on this. I get the feeling Tina somewhat knew about what Tio was doing and was actually laundering his money. But if this was the case, I would think her cut would mean she wouldn’t have to strip for money. And I don’t know if she ever explained her motivations why she did that or why she was sorry. hope it’s not just me missing something, but I’ve read back and I can’t tell how much she really knew. Or maybe I just expect too many definites.
  
  FORMAT/ETC.
  Mostly the formatting was fine, some of the action in the first half felt a little clunky, as if it was missing pronouns or rushing moments that could pay off more. I think I noted that in my specific notes. Additionally, I was not a fan of the underlining of words, but that’s your call.
  
  The big issue though is the explanations of what words mean. They’re essentially lies to the reader. Heh, sorry that sounded dramatic. Let me explain. You’re telling readers what a word like Hui means in the description or in parenthesis and they suddenly understand the conversation. However, a film audience in a theater won’t get these notes, and so they won’t understand what the words mean. If the script is a template of what the audience will experience, then you’re lying to the reader by saying they’ll understand what those words mean. If you think it’s explained in context, then let it live or die by that context. If it doesn’t matter what it means, then don’t tell them. But if it’s integral to your story that someone needs to know what Hui means, then you need to find a way to make that clear to a theater audience too. That can by dialogue, action or, I suppose, even subtitles. But as now the reader is not getting the audiences experience and that’s a problem.
  
  Here are some notes I took while reading:
  1: A weird thing, but the way Sonny is introduced bumps me a little. I’d almost rather get the description of his leering at the girl followed by the detail character description in the next paragraph. That way I’m picturing him doing an action while I’m taking him in. Kind of like when you see someone at first you recognize them as a guy who’s lounging on the beach, and then you really decipher who they are. It’s real subtle, and may just be me though.
  1: Don’t know if The Godfather needs to be underlined, but it’s your call of course.
  2: Not sure if it’s intentional (probably?) but Sonny’s lines here feel like such drunken rambling that I really expects Zig’s response to be more “You’re drunk.” Than actually understanding what he’s saying. It introduces Sonny as at best a BSer, which may be the intention. If he’s supposed to be a genius, make him a little more coherent as well. (line on page 3 is better)
  4: May read better as “Einstein’s theory of paying your tab?”
  5: Tio’s line here “It’s… uh, just a theory” doesn’t feel like it’s said during a fight (even a play slap one). Is “uh” supposed to be his reaction to getting hit? “umph” might be better.
  7: Sorry I can’t be more specific on this, but some of the action feels clunky so far. I think it’s things like who is Sonny making writing gestures to? “Sonny finds the check, makes little writing gestures at Tio.” Is clearer to me. I’m also not exactly sure about the men’s room bit at first. I get it all, but I have to work at it ever so slightly to get it, which while not terrible takes me away from the flow of the story a bit.
  9: That seemed really fast for a bank robbery. Like 10-20 seconds fast. Is it supposed to be so quick? If not, adding a little more to the description may represent it better.
  14: typo “throws the down the water”
  15: Hmm, should student-types be hyphenated? Or do we even need “types”? When I read it now it sounds like a student is on a computer typing. It’s clear it isn’t that pretty quickly, but could be clearer the first time.
  17: Hmm, Caldera knew Tio, a nice twist. Good move.
  18: It’s weird, MUFFLED SHOT. Hides right now at the top of the page. A bigger line might help if you can turn it into a sentence, although it loses its impact a bit that way.
  18: Heh, that’s a funny intro to Willie and a nice random naked character to introduce. It’s also nice that with all the T&A you’re tossing something for other people to look at.
  20: Hmm, is he covered in sand here? Nice description.
  21: Hmm, for a man so unwilling to face his failure, why would he frame what seems to be his biggest failure? Not really a big deal, but something that crossed my mind. (This could actually be rationalized, but it just seemed a bit out of character).
  23: Instead of Koehler just freaking. I’d really love to have this moment hit a bit more, a sniff of his nose a flip of his shoe and then he freaks out. I really didn’t know what this meant at first, I thought Sonny was calling Kohler a big dog for some reason.
  23: Oh, just realized a typo too. He’s called Koehler here, not Kohler.
  26: Not sure why this is underlined here…
  27: Heh, nice sock gag.
  27: Sonny ends this scene with 2-3 jokes and it really dilutes the punchline I think it would be more effective to just pick your scene ending and go with it. I think you can even just use the middle line. He leans over to the Female cop and “You know, I’m really good at getting strip searched”. It hits the callback, shows he’s interested in her (being set up for later?), and the one joke ends the scene with punch.
  27: I have a weird logic issue, the lack of gunpowder on the Dangler’s hands and wrong angle of the shot makes me think there’s no way that they would believe the Dangler is the murderer. This issue exists from watching too much Dexter and/or Sherlock. It can probably be disregarded. (and Sonny hits on this somewhat on page 28, but even better, good job!)
  29: Hmm, I get not using articles here (like “A silhouette darkens”) because you want it to see tense, but I think it would flow better with the articles added in.
  30: Is it wrong that I’ve always assumed Tina’s second job is as a stripper? I even assumed she was the Aloha To Go-Go one when I saw the matchbox.
  32: Curious, how does Sonny not a wide assortment of gum? He’d have to get down on his hands and knees to see it?
  32: Huh, he still has his didgeridoo… does that mean he’s still naked?
  36: The entire conversation in the bar from Thad talking about evil onwards feels wrong. I think it’s partly because I don’t identify separate voices. Thad’s long discussion to start the scene almost makes me think the lines are accidentally flipped with Sonny’s. Then again later I’m mixing up DeShawn/Frederick and where they’re at on their argument too much. Maybe it just needs a bit of clarity?
  37: Confused with DeShawn’s line here. Didn’t he already say that he knew who Sonny was? On page 35?
  48: Ok, that “(Tina is also slang for Meth)” helps me understand a scene, but I don’t think an audience will get that. Maybe instead of Latin, if the guy was called “Latin Drug Dealer” and you gave him some shady nose scratching action people would get it just the same.
  39: I don’t get why they’re crash landing here, or really what two guys Tina’s talking about? The two asian guys at the bathroom? The jewelry thing completes throws me as well, I’m not sure what to make of it. If Sonny pisses off the asian guys with his “I promise line” maybe show a reaction of the asian as being pissed off so that we know they’re pissed off and thus throw Sonny down.
  43: Just want to make sure that you did mean to repeat “too too solid ass” here.
  46: It says “dirty old msn” and I think that should be man. Though we’re already not decoding other words, so I say just omit that.
  47: Start clocks? I assume this is some ritual, and so it’s okay not to be explained, it’s also pretty weird. Which can be nice.
  50: Is there an extra space after uh, in “Uh, a… a bachelor party…”?
  51: Heh, that’s funny about writing down the limo.
  57: Lilly has two “l’s at the top of this page.
  60: Nice turning point here with Sonny having money, but we avoid any real discussion on it?
  64: Needs ice is a nice payoff, made me chuckle.
  65: Hmm, a blonde pleasuring a redhead. This line seems to push the story a bit too far. Maybe I’m off on this, I guess it’s an R-rated film anyway. Maybe I’m just picturing that end scene from Requiem for a Dream and it’s not nearly that graphic… or depressing.
  69: Uh, I don’t get the Star Wars reference, unless it’s just him being silly, which I guess is fine, though I’m not sure if I’ve ever seen him this silly.
  75: It’s a decent turn here that Lily is murdered, it keeps the plot moving and ups the stakes. However, I never really felt anything for Lily besides revulsion (because that seems to be what Sonny felt, somewhat). I wonder if she can be made a little more sympathetic and then this can give us an emotional response to this. If we saw her secretly crying over Tio’s death or something that might do it. Maybe right after Sonny left and before the person enters the house. Although you would need to give us a bit longer between the two instead of the urgency.
  79: Is Sonny intentionally misspelling hegemony here? To an audience it will just look like Sonny doesn’t know how to spell it (cause we won’t see it speller right before).
  81: Not sure what’s going on with Nakamura’s dialogue here, maybe I never noticed it before. But he says cant’ instead of can’t. Also the ‘a trusted. Seems odd. But if you’ve been doing that with this character and I just noticed I guess it’s not bad.
  83: Champagne with a capital ‘C’ huh? Maybe a typo, maybe for emphasis. (but at a strip club like this it’s probably not actual champagne, just sparkling wine).
  84: Ok, so it’s really an important character note that he isn’t drinking. But as an audience member I’m not sure that would register. He could just have two fresh drinks. If there’s a way to show that he isn’t drinking that’d be great.
  84: Ah-hah! Pinchy! The mystery progresses!
  85: Hey look, I was right about Tina! Not sure if that’s good. It’s no reveal. Then again, I’m generally pretty good at calling these things out, so if no one else mentioned it then it’s probably ok.
  85: I’d expect drunk strippers to put up a little bit more of a fight or at least be pissed that Tina swoops in and takes their cash cow.
  87: I’m not sure I get all the jumps here. I don’t really remember that “You’re the evil” reference. And while the laundering money was set up, the shark killing and the others don’t make as much sense.
  88: Ok, killing her was extreme, but I don’t get the going along part afterwards. I feel like this is flipping in a way that wasn’t set up, or what is she referring to when she says “You said go along… No matter what…” (side note, I really like how you play off that she’s bad, but then isn’t it’s a nice bit of misdirection)
  91: I don’t think you can include this parenthesis explaining Hui. You’re giving readers information that a theater audience won’t get, either explain it in dialogue or just hope it plays without the explanation.
  92: Maybe say here that he takes the photograph out and unfolds the previously hidden edge or something.
  92: Also I have no idea who SATIN is, should I know this? Oh wait, checked, she was one of the strip club girls, but she never speaks. If she had a line she might be more memorable. Or just add a note here for the reader. An audience member will recognize the girl as the stripper, the reader may not remember a name that’s grouped in with three other strippers. Oh, but you can’t make her talk because it would give away her accent. Probably just a note to the reader would be enough.
  95: “the Hui deal weight out his club”, I’m not sure why, but I can’t quite figure out what this line means, I get the idea, but “weight out his club”?
  100: “choke my favorite”? It seems weird that he’d call her his favorite.
  101: I don’t get Tina’s response here, I’m really starting to feel lost for the ending. The dialogue doesn’t seem to flow logically and it’s too convoluted. “Who did you think it was that needed to be saved?” What? He thought Tina needed to be saved. I don’t even know what this is hinting at. Or alternatively why would he need to save Satin??
  102: Uh, I really don’t know why Sonny is in here any more, if she’s not knocked out, then he has no duty to take her from the burning building.
  104: The religion note here really is ridiculous, I’m glad Sonny pointed out how clueless Satin is with her references, it sounds like she’s got her religious training from E News instead of actual studying anything.
  104: Good payoff with his tattoos, however, once again including (royalty) is a huge mistake, how will an audience know that?? Say royalty if you want them to know that.
  106: I’m glad Sonny finally said it’s irritating.
  108: I don’t think I get why Willie is there at the end, or if it’s supposed to be a joke, or just random.
  
  Overall there’s a lot of personality here, and that’s a great thing for a story like this. I think a few more concrete progression points in the mystery will really help the audience feel more involved, and then setting up Tina/Sonny’s relationship earlier and clarifying her involvement with Tio at the end will make the story wrap up nicely. Regardless, there were a lot of fun points in reading this script, so thanks for that! read
• 
  need to up the laughs
  A review of HAWAIIANSTEIN
  by seamusbr on 12/31/2011
  This was a strange script – I didn’t write down any notes, which is a blessing – it means you’re a solid writer and the story/script is of a high standard – so I applaud you for that. I liked the setting, I liked sonny and most of the secondary characters – the hawaiianstein element immediately made me think of ‘rosebud’ from Citizen Kane. The Colombo-esque working out of... This was a strange script – I didn’t write down any notes, which is a blessing – it means you’re a solid writer and the story/script is of a high standard – so I applaud you for that.
  I liked the setting, I liked sonny and most of the secondary characters – the hawaiianstein element immediately made me think of ‘rosebud’ from Citizen Kane. The Colombo-esque working out of the bank crime made me smile… it was good.
  If he had an issue with the police – and he wanted to prove himself, wouldn’t he have kept the hawaiianstein element to himself? Get his kicks.
  My main concern with the script is the comedy – or lack of – if all the other reviewers find this funny, then ignore my comments – I just didn’t find anything funny – but that could be me – I have a dark and twisted sense of humor.
  But I wish you all the best with the project – you’re a solid writer that knows what he is doing. read
• 
  A Blast.
  A review of HAWAIIANSTEIN
  by Alan1980 on 12/28/2011
  Great script. My first impression of Sonny was that of 'The Dude' (Lebowski), and that scene in the club where he is thrown to the floor and shouts 'No Blasters!' had me folding over. the dialogue was very witty throughout, the story original and overall an enjoyable read. I cant find any faults with this, I could easily see this being turned into a Hollywood production,... Great script.
  
  My first impression of Sonny was that of 'The Dude' (Lebowski), and that scene in the club where he is thrown to the floor and shouts 'No Blasters!' had me folding over. the dialogue was very witty throughout, the story original and overall an enjoyable read.
  
  I cant find any faults with this, I could easily see this being turned into a Hollywood production, everything was spot on, I particularly liked when he woke up still with mascara on and having showered was still left with a grey shadow. Brilliant.
  
  I thought the story was very well structured and thought provoking, again, like the Big Lebowski it seems to be one of those movies where you could watch it multiple times and find new things, I love it when films are layered like that.
  
  Very well done.
  
  read
• 
  Hawaiianstein review
  A review of HAWAIIANSTEIN
  by jayb on 12/23/2011
  Highly engaging characters. Entertaining dialogue. So so story. In a work like this, so much depends on the execution—particularly the acting—it’s hard to assess whether the screenplay succeeds or not. For the first half of the read I thought the script kept going off-story. Once I realized that perhaps this was intentional, I adjusted my expectations for narrative integrity... Highly engaging characters. Entertaining dialogue. So so story. In a work like this, so much depends on the execution—particularly the acting—it’s hard to assess whether the screenplay succeeds or not. For the first half of the read I thought the script kept going off-story. Once I realized that perhaps this was intentional, I adjusted my expectations for narrative integrity and began to appreciate it for some of its other qualities.
  
  The characterizations in this screenplay are fairly superficial, though effective, because they are so engaging and likable. Sonny and Tina, and to a lesser extent Nakamura, are good examples. Satin’s characterization is much less effective, as she emerges as a major player late in story and then most of what we know of her comes from her rant against men, which is not well supported by the material that precedes it.
  
  I’m hard pressed to describe what this screenplay is about. Satin’s rant is the closest thing to a statement of theme in the script that I could find. At least she’s talking about something. Or is the theme expressed in the perpetual quibbling of Louie and Zig? None of this pertains much to Sonny, the protagonist. He’s not Sam Spade, who believes that if someone kills your partner, you do something about it. He’s not even the Dude, who insists “This will not stand.” So what does Sonny Kopoho stand for? He may be a likable, funny and engaging main character. But not enough to carry a 108-page screenplay, without knowing his driving goal or what matters most to him.
  
  Fortunately, there’s Tina. She’s enough to make me want to see the movie. The setting for this story is another positive. I’ve never been to Hawaii. But I imagine it as the perfect backdrop for this story.
  
  For the most part, the authors employ a very effective and witty writing style. But sometimes it is unnecessarily confusing. In many instances you opt for cleverness over clarity. This can make for entertaining reading, but does not always convey a clear sense of the motion picture you envision.
  
  I don’t have much in the way of suggestions for this script. The structure seems very loose to me. But I couldn’t make recommendations about that without ruining some other part of the story. For instance, the scene in the End Zone. For the most part it was very entertaining. But halfway through, I was wondering what this has to do with anything. Should you get rid of it or cut it down? I don’t know. It could end up being one of the most entertaining scenes in the movie if it ever gets made (it certainly contains some of the best trailer moments). Sorry I can’t be more helpful than that.
  
  Thank you for a mostly enjoyable, though somewhat rambling read. My notes below were written as I read. Take them for whatever you think they’re worth.
  
  
  Notes
  
  
  p. 1-10 – The first ten pages need work. Too much talk, much of which is confusing or irrelevant. I was confused by the transition from bar to office back to bar. Fortunately, something happens on page 9 (a robbery). Until this development, I was tempted to set aside the screenplay.
  
  p. 10 – Sonny asking the cop “Can I go pee?” makes him look like a wimp. He redeems himself somewhat by calling the cop an idiot.
  
  p. 24 – Something very unsavory about Sonny squeezing the Dangler’s breast. I’m not sure anyone wants to see the “hero” of a story do this, even for the sake of a kind of funny one-liner. If you must have him do this, maybe you could have him “places hand on her breast,” which is a lot less creepy than squeezing it.
  
  p. 27 – “And a strip search!” – Not so funny the second time.
  
  p. 36 – This scene was pretty funny up until the “gay divorcee” remark. Maybe Sonny has had too much to drink, but as a joke it misses the mark. Not sure why Frederick takes a swing at him.
  
  p. 38 – Get rid of the “Tina” parenthetical and describe the action in a way the reader understands. I.e., “The Latino introduces Sonny to his oversexed girlfriend, Christina, a hot little packet of crystalline powder.” Maybe that’s not so good. But you get the idea.
  
  p. 32-40 – The long scene at the End Zone has some funny moments, but does nothing to move the story forward (the introduction of the Latino/Tina subplot could have been handled in half a page or less). With no real purpose to the scene, all the gay humor begins to feel gratuitous.
  
  p. 44 – Denmark… rotten… Bad.
  
  p. 46 – “You mean that fella’ who trusted a ghost and ended up dead?” - This line reads like a mini-editorial from the writers, not something anybody would actually say.
  
  p. 46 – No need to translate for Sonny.
  
  p. 56 – I realize Sonny is a drunk. But the naked, drunk and stoned riff seems to stray pretty far off topic. What happened to the story?
  
  p. 64 – What is the party in the hotel room about? The ice dilemma is not holding my interest. Girl-on-girl action, slightly more interesting. But is this connected to the story in some way?
  
  p. 75 – “I love John Travolta.” Come on. Everybody knows that was Robert DeNiro.
  
  p. 88 – I don’t know about this… Cute twist. But it’s so unbelievable. It’s just too obvious that Sonny wouldn’t kill Tina, even if she was the evil one. It might work better if they both knew it was a game and the reader was the one in the dark. Or perhaps if Sonny didn’t go so far as to think he killed her. Maybe he would throttle her and slap her face, while Tina would be thinking that was all part of the act.
  
  p. 91 – The Hui parenthetical is unnecessary. Let the reader figure this out through context.
  
  94-95 – Not sure about the plastic surgery angle.
  
  p. 104 – What is all this hatred of men about? It feels like you are introducing a new theme (antithesis?) in the third act. How about introducing the reader to these ideas earlier in the story. Actually, the whole third act feels like it came out of nowhere. read
• 
  The next "Dude"!
  A review of HAWAIIANSTEIN
  by kevinwriter65 on 12/09/2011
  This is easily the most enjoyable script I’ve read here, and the one I can most easily see on the big screen. The story is – well, it is what it is, who cares? The story is a canvas for an array of quirky, funny characters, some of the best dialogue I’ve ever read, and a setting that is beautifully over-the-top but still feels real. (Are you from Hawaii? If you’re not a native,... This is easily the most enjoyable script I’ve read here, and the one I can most easily see on the big screen. The story is – well, it is what it is, who cares? The story is a canvas for an array of quirky, funny characters, some of the best dialogue I’ve ever read, and a setting that is beautifully over-the-top but still feels real. (Are you from Hawaii? If you’re not a native, you must be the best researcher in the business. I’ve never been there, and now I feel like I have.)
  
  Sonny is an ingenious creation, a cross between characters from Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas and the Big Lebowski, but with enough new blood to him that he doesn’t feel like a copy. I was stunned that you actually pulled a satisfying and believable redemption arc out of this funny old “dude”; I honestly wasn’t expecting that. It gave a boost of substance to a script that could easily have gotten away without it and still been a fun ride. As it stands, it’s a fun ride with a great heart.
  
  I was also blown away by your offscreen descriptions, which sounds like an odd compliment, but it’s a serious one. Part of telling a story through this medium is selling it to the script-readers. I loved this kind of stuff throughout:
  
  INT. TIO’S HOUSE – DAY
  Outside, rain. Inside, a tribute to snakes and dragons.
  Paintings. Sculptures. A terrarium. Some wet mourners.
  
  Perfect! Simple, quick, visual, with the same snappy tone and attitude as the dialogue itself, so there’s no break in the flow. (Question: what’s the best way to describe a small dog being wrapped up in a shirt against its will? Answer: “It barks, snarls, and fights like a small angry dog wrapped in a shirt.” Lolololol!) Again and again, reading your descriptions of setting and action, I found myself thinking, “THIS is how it’s supposed to be done.” It’s a shame the audience won’t see those parts, as they’re sometimes as entertaining as the onscreen stuff. (As aside: This is the first screenplay I’ve read that sent me rushing back to my own scripts for comparison, of that offscreen-descriptions aspect in particular. And I’ve got some re-writing to do.)
  
  Man, this one was fun. The dialogue was great, smart and hysterical, the flow was like freshly spewed lava. I’m half-tempted to just list a bunch of my favorite scenes (there really wasn’t a bad one) and leave it at that -- but that would be as useless to you as an empty pack of cigarettes in a burning building (again: lololol!, loved that moment, and others like it).
  
  So listen: There are a few (very few) elements here that, as a reader and big fan of this thing, didn’t work for me. Some are just tweaks, others bigger. I hope you’ll fix them, because you’ve got something terrific here.
  
  -- You gave Sonny a mere teardrop at Lily’s death. I wanted a little more reaction and shock.
  
  -- The headline, “fails to save girl,” should make an additional appearance or two, so we haven’t forgotten about it (as I almost had) when it rises near the end as part of Sonny’s redemption.
  
  -- I would have liked to have seen the Sonny in class, to add authenticity to his status as a professor. It helps that you have him lecturing the students on the fly, but even a quick-cut scene leading a class would close the deal. (Or maybe I’d just like to see how he’d be in class:)
  
  -- The “Hui” and stein bit was confusing as hell -- and that was as a reader who had the benefit of your offscreen explanation that a Hui is a pact. The viewer won’t have that. I still don’t entirely understand the relationship between “Hawaiianstein” and the “Hui” and the stein. I’m getting that we discover a new (or is it “the correct?”) meaning of Hawaiianstein -- that maybe it turns out it was actually supposed to be “Hui in a stein” -- and so it’s kind of a plot payoff. But my understanding of it is still foggy.
  
  Here’s the thing: I’m not sure the “Hawaiianstein” bit NEEDS a payoff. I took it from the start to be a reference to a kind of island-based bad karma that just hangs over the story, and it worked for me like that, in a “It’s Chinatown, Jake” kind of way. I was fine with it until the stein and Hui started confusing things. If you think the Hui/stein bit is necessary, you should at least find a way to better explain it.
  
  -- My biggest problem was how you handle Satin: She is an unknown entity who comes out of nowhere near the end, just an anonymous stripper, and then is held up as the main villain and lynchpin to the whole plot. I’d suggest bringing her into the story in the first act, and making her more prominent. This is an easier fix than it might sound like, and would fit right in with the pulse you’ve got going. I’d keep her character the same, stripper and all, but make her someone Sonny & friends know and maybe hang with a little. Let her show up at some of the parties, etc, spouting her kink and gyne-religion and being part of the ensemble (maybe even a pal of Tina’s? That’s sort of hinted at anyway, so why not formalize it?). She’d seem a natural addition to this odd crew, it wouldn’t seem forced, and then when she’s revealed as the villain, it wouldn’t feel like she came out of nowhere.
  
  -- Ditto with Satin’s woman-centric religion bit. It’s a great bit, it totally works for me as part of her psychosis, but would work better if there was reference to it earlier instead of just springing it on us at the end. You’re so good at weaving continuing gags into the story again and again (Sonny’s business card/pickup line, the fact that he always has to pee at inopportune moments, Willie’s casual nudism, etc), so why not make Satin’s unique take on religion one of those recurring character quirks? Not only would it feel like less of a tack-on when it’s revealed as a central motive here, but you could also have some fun with it throughout.
  
  That’s all I got. Thanks for a terrific read. I actually may re-read this one just for fun, the next time I get to a beach… read
• 
  Absolute Perfection!
  A review of HAWAIIANSTEIN
  by Revale on 12/09/2011
  Wow. You had me with Zig's opening line about God. This was absolutely brilliant and will be only the third script on TS that I've ever given 5 stars to in any category, much less more than one. The real problem with this review is going to be struggling to find anything to give constructive criticism on. First of all, the dialogue throughout is fantastic. Pithy, clever,... Wow. You had me with Zig's opening line about God. This was absolutely brilliant and will be only the third script on TS that I've ever given 5 stars to in any category, much less more than one.
  
  The real problem with this review is going to be struggling to find anything to give constructive criticism on.
  
  First of all, the dialogue throughout is fantastic. Pithy, clever, and succinct, loaded with sub-text. You give the best one liners I've read anywhere. With the skill you have at this, you could easily work in Hollywood fixing bad dialogue for other writers.
  
  Also, the imagery is phenomenal. Nice, spare descriptions and you get so much across with so little said. Your habit of entering the scenes late and leaving early is so well done. Makes this an easy and delightful read.
  
  The action sequences are all good. Sometimes, I wasn't sure exactly what was taking place with so much going on but the feel and tone was so perfect that I didn't have to know. On film, these things would be much clearer. Don't change a thing.
  
  The mechanics. It's all great. Structure is there, every beat in place, good catalysts and midpoint. Format is perfect. Theme clear. Found a couple of tiny typos but otherwise no problems.
  
  Going through my notes I made as I read:
  
  Good first catalyst with robbery and Tio's death. Well done.
  
  Page 15. Really liking this. The descriptions are unbelievably good.
  
  Page 18. LOL. You really got me with Willie. Just knew he was going to be a fish.
  
  Page 19. God, what cleaver dialogue!
  
  Page 23. Typo, spelled Kohler "Koehler"
  
  Page 37. Love the Kapo-ho line and the description of Tina dancing is wonderfully done.
  
  Page 45. Don't get why Sonny's students are shunning him at the wake. Did I miss something?
  
  Page 48. Getting bored with Tina sticking her gum under things over and over. You established this early on... doesn't need to continue if it starts intruding on the read.
  
  Page 56. I'm so jealous. And curious. How many rewrites have you done to get to this point? Or did you birth this beauty in its current state. So good!!!!!!
  
  Page 57. Typo. Spelled Lily with two L's.
  
  Great midpoint. This is one of the few scripts I've read that I haven't once had to reprimand the writer to "Show not tell."
  
  Page 75. Deshawn chanting "Attica! Attica!" Loved it.
  
  Page 81. Don't really buy Nakamura's abrupt shift here towards Sonny. "You" know these characters and your story but as a reader, I felt like there should be a little more exposition about his change.
  
  Page 84. Good reveal with Pinchy Cabron.
  
  Page 95. Thought curtains were on fire here. Seemed like it took a long time for the nightclub to go full flame.
  
  Great ending. Full bodied and tasty.
  
  This was so satisfying. Not once in the entire script did I feel my intelligence was being insulted and I don't feel dirty for having indulged in it. Wish I could be more helpful but all I can advise is to get this in the hands of a studio or good agent. This would be a great joyride of a movie. Excellent writing. Thank you for this.
  
  
  read
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  Held my attention from start to finish...
  A review of HAWAIIANSTEIN
  by EganMike on 12/08/2011
  Read the entire script in one sitting. First off, I thoroughly enjoyed the Sonny character. I was picturing The Dude (Jeff Bridges) from The Big Lebowski. Is that the image you were hoping to conjure up? He was smart, witty and incredibly flawed. But I liked him. Every he time he handed out his business card: "Here...in case your husband wants to have you followed." Gold... Read the entire script in one sitting.
  
  First off, I thoroughly enjoyed the Sonny character. I was picturing The Dude (Jeff Bridges) from The Big Lebowski. Is that the image you were hoping to conjure up? He was smart, witty and incredibly flawed. But I liked him. Every he time he handed out his business card: "Here...in case your husband wants to have you followed." Gold. Loved it.
  
  You have a ton going on in this story. A lot of great dialogue, some interesting characters...I don't even know where to begin.
  
  For me, I find constructive criticism to be more helpful than praise. So I'll focus a little on what could be tweaked. Just remember, it's just like...my opinion, man. (Hopefully you caught that reference. If my assessment of Sonny above is spot-on, then I trust you did.)
  
  Zig and Louie...they seem like a distraction from the story to me. Do you really need them? What I mean is, can you chop those characters way down and only keep what's absolutely necessary? For example, I'm thinking back to the Hotel scene and I'm not sure what the point of it was. Same with the two cops...do you need two or can you get away with one? (I'm just thinking of ways to streamline this a bit so every scene, every chunk of dialogue moves the story forward.)
  
  I guess that's my overall comment...if it doesn't HAVE to be there, cut it. Get the script down from 106 pages to say 95 pages and you're golden. (95 is the new 110.)
  
  But overall I liked it. Dialogue is good. The Sonny character is awesome.
  
  I don't know. I feel like I rambled. Feel free to disagree with any or all of what I just wrote. read
• 
  High-waiistein
  A review of HAWAIIANSTEIN
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 12/12/2008
  Good to be in Hawaii: soaking up booze, chilling with the ladies, talking pidgin philosophies and seeing dead people. I've done things similar in other parts of the world and really miss it all. So, you set the scene for me in a very personal way. I liked Sonny immediately but would never trust him with a gun. This guy I knew once, much like Sonny, once shot a hole in the... Good to be in Hawaii: soaking up booze, chilling with the ladies, talking pidgin philosophies and seeing dead people. I've done things similar in other parts of the world and really miss it all. So, you set the scene for me in a very personal way.
  
  I liked Sonny immediately but would never trust him with a gun. This guy I knew once, much like Sonny, once shot a hole in the bottom of his boat while showing me the action. I got the same vibe from Sonny. Fun, potentially lethal company.
  
  The play comes at me like stream of consciousness, like Fear and Loathing with Hunter S. T. only more ocean, less beach and no sports reporting. Disillusioned cop goes on jag and never comes back. In fact, when I got into the whole flow and just let the thing happen it was a good ride. I could accept Tio simply being in the wrong place at his time. Tina worked a pole part-time? Why not? I also picked up on why Sonny might need to clean the house late at night just to restore some order to his world.
  
  I wanted to see the bikini demons stick around a while longer (a lot longer) and maybe be in control of more of what was going down, but hey, easy come, easy go.
  
  That said, would it kill you to give Sonny a real support network of people that truly understand him, for better and for worse? The cops and kids seem to tolerate him but not really get him or respect him deeply. I know he's tagged with overcoming the washed-up cop arc but he never deals with it. Is this because there isn't anyone he can really talk to? Tina is okay but not a true confidant. Sonny has something to say and he needs to say some of it early on and then let little pieces out along the way. Here, he stays fairly fogged throughout and that made me feel cheated. Is he all glib quips, no heartfelt insights? I find that hard to believe.
  
  What I can believe is that Sonny might be afraid to admit what he knows. Maybe he is afraid to become attached to others. Afraid to become attached to himself. Afraid to dare to hope.
  
  Anyway, that's what I took from it. In other words, you didn't take me deep into the mind of Sonny and I felt I deserved to know what truly made this guy tick.
  
  This means, too, that I felt this was a very introspective piece in denial. The exterior events were largely without meaning in the grander scheme. Sonny is the center of gravity in this one, but he needs more gravity. read
• 
  Hawaiianstein review
  A review of HAWAIIANSTEIN
  by rjen on 08/14/2008
  I liked the script. It’s well written, you have your own voice and you manage well to create an atmosphere that fits the situation – a serious crime story amidst an easy going, fun oriented life style. Well, that’s the way I perceived it. It’s difficult to write much meaningful about a good script like this one, but here are a few observations. I don’t know what the general... I liked the script. It’s well written, you have your own voice and you manage well to create an atmosphere that fits the situation – a serious crime story amidst an easy going, fun oriented life style. Well, that’s the way I perceived it. It’s difficult to write much meaningful about a good script like this one, but here are a few observations.
  
  I don’t know what the general readership says about this but I liked the way how you introduced some of the ‘transient’ characters – those that play a role once and then disappear. For example:
  
  “A hot woman’s strappy French stiletto dances and dangles from her pretty little toes. … Bored, buzzed, but intrigued, he leers over his Ray-Bans at the sandal DANGLER.”
  
  I needed a few pages to get used to it, but then I enjoyed it. It fits the ambiance that you are trying to create.
  
  The main characters all had well developed personalities. Some of the relationships puzzled me a bit - for example that between Sonny and Tina. It looked like one of those nice, easy-going, superficial ones with nothing serious involved beyond the obvious sexual attractions. Then in the end, when Satin is about to kill Tina, the intensity of Sonny’s emotion was surprising. Of course, he would do everything to prevent it, but it felt like there was a deeper relationship involved.
  
  Maybe develop that aspect of Sonny a bit more. Is he the fatherly type. Being older than most of the other characters that would be natural and fit him well. It wouldn’t come in the way of his sexual ambitions which he displays dominantly throughout the script. It would just be like a personal note that would be attached to all those relationships.
  
  Maybe I’m picky here. In essence it’s all there – Sonny being the teacher (professor) of the younger characters, being an ex-cop with some unresolved issues. So maybe it just depends on the actor to interpret that.
  
  I wondered how Tina in the end came to be so submissive to Satin who was about to kill her. I don’t suggest changing that, but I wondered what made her that way. I didn’t see it developed in the plot. And how did Sonny’s advice to her concerning her ‘other job’ contribute to her role there?
  
  And Sonny almost choking her to death, that somehow didn’t fit.
  
  The police types were all a bit shallow. Not a big problem, except maybe for Nakamura. He is younger than Kohler, supposedly working under him, but sometime he behaves as an equal (for example p. 23, NAKAMURA: Come on, Kohler…)
  
  Dialog was great. In enjoyed the care-free, casual philosophizing about God and purpose of life at the beginning and end. Satin’s speech rationalizing her crimes and murders also was good. I think it would be better if she appeared earlier as a character, not as late as p. 83 – having been the WOMAN’S VOICE for the rest of the plot. It might not matter that the audience would recognize the voice without knowing her complete involvement. It might actually increase the suspense.
  
  Well, these are details. Overall it’s well written script, the story works, dialog and characters great, concept not revolutionary but well executed within the care-free environment of the Hawaiian beach.
  
  Hope this helps. read