Unable to find employment in the collapsing economy, two college guys start their own business in the only recession... more
HOW IT RATES
A socialite who accidentally sells her nerdy boyfriend's childhood toy collection must find a way to retrieve them when he refuses to forgive her.
Other Submissions by Mike Leon
Members Who Like This Submission Also Like...
Reviews of Heart of Dorkness 11
by lizzayn on 05/22/2012I really enjoyed reading this. It was funny and unique. I laughed out loud in quite a few places. That’s not to say that there isn’t room for improvement but the majority of issues I found just need simple fixes. DIALOGUE: Wonderful. I really enjoyed the dialogue and I laughed out loud in quite a few places. FORMAT: Okay but there are a couple of issues I’ve noted... I really enjoyed reading this. It was funny and unique. I laughed out loud in quite a few places. That’s not to say that there isn’t room for improvement but the majority of issues I found just need simple fixes.
DIALOGUE: Wonderful. I really enjoyed the dialogue and I laughed out loud in quite a few places.
FORMAT: Okay but there are a couple of issues I’ve noted below.
STRUCTURE: Good. You hit the right beats at the right time.
CHARACTERS: Kate and Kelly are too similar of names. They’re easy to get confused. Other than that, the characters are all different and have unique voices. Great job.
STORY: I really enjoyed the story. You’ve done a great job of setting up why Brian is so attached to his toys and that Kate isn’t a bad person, it was an accident that she got rid of the figures. They are both sympathetic. The final scene where Kyle shows up was a bit too farfetched for me. But that’s the only part of the story that didn’t work for me.
I have a lot of nitpicky comments that are little things one picks up as they write. They aren’t big deals but will help make the screenplay read easier.
GENERAL NITPICKY COMMENTS
Page 1- Fade in should come before the first slug line and should be right justified.
Page 1- Brian’s Mother should be in all caps the first time she’s introduced.
Page 1/Page 2- You don’t need Continued at the bottom and top of each page.
Page 3- “Brian is sitting” Try not to use passive voice (Is ____ing) Brian sits
Page 3- “whom we will call” takes the reader out of the story. Just state their names.
Page 4- “A door is heard SLAMMING in the next room.” Don’t tell us what we see and hear. “A door slams in the next room”
Page 4- “Steve begins to help him.” Don’t use begins to or starts to. “Steve helps him.”
Page 4- “I can’t believe you with that outsider. She doesn’t understand the ways of our people.” I can’t believe you (live?) with that… Other than that, great line!
Page 4- You don’t need (cont’d) when a character speaks twice in a row. It’s not bad but it really isn’t done anymore.
Page 9- “The stress builds for a beat.” Let this happen in the action, don’t tell us.
Page 15- “who is inside on of the stalls.” One of the stalls
Page 15- “You know, what you should do is
follow him around.” Clunky line. Perhaps “You know what you should do? Follow him around.”
Page 16- Is the Jerry Springer show still around?
Page 23- “He’s down there still, with Peter.” Clunky. “He’s still down there with Peter.”
Page 24- ”Peter the Strange” Should be all caps, first introduction.
I love Harvey. I can completely visualize him.
Page 31- “nic-nacs” Knickknacks
Page 32- “Reference the cannon.” Canon
Page 33 “You’re killing me, dear.” I don’t see Laura calling Kate “dear.” Maybe “girl” probably “bitch” but definitely not “dear.”
Page 34- It would really be more effective to see Kate’s family than to have her do a huge monologue about her life. Show, don’t tell. Perhaps Laura could see the interaction and feel sorry for Kate.
Page 40– ” Tortoise always gets there before the hare.” Ew.
Page 43- “You still can’t stand it me and L.T. took you down.” Awkward. Perhaps “You still can’t stand it that me and L.T took you down.”
Page 44- “We’re playing Counterstrike, dear.” It just doesn’t feel right that Laura keeps calling Kate dear.
Page 64- ” And then we have... A MONTAGE!” That made me laugh.
Page 64- ” movie when Chekov his holding Moby Dick” is?
Page 65- you need to state that it’s a dream sequence in the slug line.
Page 69- ” But seriously, you thought it was one of those fake wake up dreams, didn’t you?” HA!
Page 81- “PATCH, 45, knows. He’s a husky hambeast wearing an eyepatch and the regalia of a level-ten magic user.” You don’t need to say Patch knows in the action line if he’s going to say he knows in the dialogue that follows.
Page 86- Oh my. I just “got it.” Brilliant.
Page 93- “Kate is picked up by a Kelly in front of the airport back home.” s/b Kate is picked up by Kelly (lose the “a”)
Page 96- ” KYLE, 8, the boy from next door, is standing on the front porch.” Wait, have we ever seen this kid before?
Page 97- ” He is holding Brian’s box of Thundercats.” Yeah, a tad bit Deus Ex Machina for me. This scene is the only one that hasn’t worked for me.
by Ducey on 03/15/2009Excellent idea to wrap a story around this intense geek subculture. It is rich source material, and you've done a good job mining it for laughs. It's interesting how this mega-geek underbelly has been with us for 20 plus years, and slowly is seeping into the mainstream. You're definitely on to something here. Having said that this story at times suffered from the obscurity... Excellent idea to wrap a story around this intense geek subculture. It is rich source material, and you've done a good job mining it for laughs. It's interesting how this mega-geek underbelly has been with us for 20 plus years, and slowly is seeping into the mainstream. You're definitely on to something here.
Having said that this story at times suffered from the obscurity of the references, and it's dependence on them to get across plot points. I was definitely lost for large sections, mostly because some of the details and lingo are foreign to me. Example, Harvey is willing to help for the "lulz and the lulz alone". I don't know what that is, so I question Harvey's motivation here.
You've cleverly setup Kate as an outsider, giving yourself the opportunity to explain the geek culture to the uninformed among us. And you've been careful not to try and explain everything. That's good. But make sure critical information hidden in dork culture is properly explained. It is too easy to alienate a lot of readers with such a specifically targeted audience who are "in" on the joke, or what have you.
As far as the story itself, this is where I have some bones to pick. I know that efficient setup is a virue of screenwriting, or so I have read. But the Brian/Kate romance needs a bit more depth. It's just too much of a stretch for me at this point to buy into Kate's interest in Brian. He doesn't seem worth the effort. Maybe charismatic casting could help, but we don't get a clear idea of Kate's reasons for wanting to go to such lengths to preserve the relationship, save for an awkwardly convenient mini speech to Laura on page 34.
For me it just seems you chose a run of the mill romantic comedy as the spine upon which to hang your examination of geek culture. Romantic comedy is probably the easiest and most marketable choice, but it is tired, and it felt like you didn't care a whole lot about it. As evidence, Brian disappears for most of the story, and he's ostensibly the protag.
Your Harvey/Steve mentor getting him laid subplot comes a little late, and has virtually no setup. With a little more effort you could weave this in a bit earlier, so the payoff is more rewarding. It's a funny idea though. Keep it.
I enjoyed the Col. Kurtz/Kurtzman parallel, but this scene just kind of runs out so we can get to the end, which also peters out. Maybe this scene will be stronger in the execution and have the weight it needs, but this is your climax. You should work it over again.
I think you've drawn your characters well. They are at once over the top yet still believable. That's a difficult yet necessary balance to strike in this sort of comedy. Nice job. I especially enjoyed Harvey.
You've chosen a "precious" self aware writing style ala Shane Black, which seems to have an "in vogue" status these days. For me it is a cheap attention getter, and for me made me annoyed at times. Probably a personal preference, but you end up spending energy trying to be funny to me the reader rather than putting the laughs in the story itself. Just try to do more with the action lines. Be more descriptive and clever. Clearly you're capable, because there are some great action lines. Others are mundane and pedestrian.
Overall a good read. Clever, funny, but at times gets in its own way. Great concept, but the story itself could be stronger. read
by jeff2680 on 03/09/2009You've got a good premise going on here. The Mad Bubbler makes for an excellent MacGuffin. I watched the Thundercats as a kid, but I had to google to make sure if it was real cause i didn't remember it. I enjoyed the script, it reads fast and you have a unique voice that serves your story well. However, that is not to say that there aren't things to take into consideration... You've got a good premise going on here. The Mad Bubbler makes for an excellent MacGuffin. I watched the Thundercats as a kid, but I had to google to make sure if it was real cause i didn't remember it.
I enjoyed the script, it reads fast and you have a unique voice that serves your story well. However, that is not to say that there aren't things to take into consideration in your next draft.
First, I found myself laughing at things in your script that might translate funny to screen. I wouldn't go as far to call them unfilmables, because for the most part they work visually.
Pg. 7 - She's reading sentimental chick porn; Nicholas Sparks or something.
Pg. 11 - Ray is long haired (balding with it tied back in a ponytail methinks) portly, in accordance with the universal law of comic shop owners.
I only bring these up because I find them funny. The guy who runs the comic book story I frequent (A member of you target audience am I, Mmm) fits that description to a tee. But as of now it's only funny on the page.
I half imagined the comic shop owner wearing a t-shirt with the Comic Book Guy from the Simpsons on it and looking exactly like him.
There were too many Star Wars references for my taste. You have so much other stuff to riff on I would suggest cutting them back a bit. My reasons being that they are almost cliche now and it draws too many parallels to Fanboys. The Leia in the gold bikini thing has aleady done. And how do you top Kristen Bell and Jennifer Aniston wearing it? Why not an Anime character or Laura Croft? Or make a joke about the Leia bikini thing being passe. Mind you I've never been to the SD Comic con, but one of the Girls at the shop I go to dressed up as the female Loki to this year's New York Comic con. Pretty damn hot. So there's plenty or ideas to work with.
Kate using the Jedi mind trick, again has been done before, most recently in Fanboys. I did dig the Vulcan death grip, but felt it needed a little setting up. Maybe Kate's a massage therapist or something.
I love the whole Beverly Crusher cougar thing. 'Can I call you Wil?' Priceless. 'Or Deanna.' Again priceless. But I suspect the joke might be lost on some people as being a fan of STNG myself I still am not entirely sure it was her. But if I am you hit the nail on the head for me. She's so hot. Just spell it out for slow Joe in the back row. If it's a legal thing, you could at least mention she's a redhead.
And concerning legal matters using the Thundecats might be a copyright issue. I really don't know so I can't help there. Though if you had to, I don't think making up you own line of toys would hurt the story any, especially considering most people haven't heard of the Mad Bubbler. Though I did like that it was a real character.
Story wise I'd like to see Steve's quest to lose his virginty set up earlier. You could also develop Kate and Laura's relationship a little better. Which reminds me, her confession to Laura about her childhood seemed too easy. Make them have to work to understand and finally accept each other.
Also Harvey had some problematic issues for me. One being how is it that he condemns the Tortoise for his pedophile ways and then later turns out to be a fan of jailbait himself. I like that you touch on this aspect because it seems to go hand in hand with guys stuck in extended adolescence. But maybe limit it to one character, preferably Harvey and again set it up earlier.
Okay on to the random thoughts section:
Did not get the rule 34 joke. Even tried googling it to no avail.
I dug Harvey's comment about attention whores and his "If i wasn't so gay.." pick up line. Funny fucking stuff. I think you could kill too birds with one stone by setting up his Harvey's Master to Steve's padawan learner in teh ways of boneage. It could set up Steve's quest to lose his virginity and Harvey's penchant to younger woman.
Liked 'I'm Batman' and 'You had me at Pwnage'
Suggest going through with a fine tooth comb and making everything accessible in layman terms. I know that a LARPer is a Live action Role Playing person, but most people probably don't. Use Kate's status as a Noob for explaining most of this stuff.
Busted out the tentacle porn thing, which was new to me, at the Comic shop and it made for stimulating conversation to say the least.
I liked the screenplay, you have several genuinely funny moments. Now try to outdo yourself in terms of story and laughs. Kurtzman touches on what the story might be about but it still needs a little more fleshing out.
by andyf on 03/05/2009Ok...first of all, very well written. I'll get to the typos later, but they were kept to a minimum and the descriptions were clear and concise. I'm not from the world you so vividly paint here, so some of the humor was lost on me but...I can't fault you for that. The main thing I can fault you for is the lack of conflict. You need to make the obstacles a little more difficult... Ok...first of all, very well written. I'll get to the typos later, but they were kept to a minimum and the descriptions were clear and concise. I'm not from the world you so vividly paint here, so some of the humor was lost on me but...I can't fault you for that.
The main thing I can fault you for is the lack of conflict. You need to make the obstacles a little more difficult. You do a good job tranforming Kate but she doesn't have to suffer or resist the change enough.
What you basically have now (and don't get me wrong, I think it's a good start) is your characters getting from point A to point B with not much of an effort. I think the dramatic tension could be amped up so it seems that the Gods are truly working against Kate.
So you have some nice setpieces....the mall arcade...Kate wins pretty easily without even understanding what she's doing. The roadtrip to San Diego...uneventful. ComicCon...uneventful (although this setting is ripe with possibilities for wackiness). The wood village of our antagonist...again too easy and not dramatic enough. These scenes beg for something wild, wacky and wonderful to happen but those situations never materialize.
As for Brian...I guess I can see omitting him in the entire quest...without so much as a peep...but you might want to consider, since he is the catalyst for the entire story, including him more in the proceedings. That's just a suggestion..you start out focusing on him so much that you paint him as the main character only to have him fall away so suddenly.
I think your structure is fairly sound. You, because of the aforementioned lack of tension, have trouble building the momentum up to a fever pitch. The thrust into the third act is kind of weak and I think you need to find something big to happen going into it.
My suggestion (and I don't want to get too specific but it might help with two things), is have Kate captured at ComicCon and have her end up in the woods to face Kurtzman. That way, you'll have danger...and, just as important, have the antagonist be a little more of an antagonist. You lack that....Kurtzman needs more to do...seem more sinister and more of a foe. I'm fine if you eventually reveal him to be what he is at the end, but I think a little mystery and darkness to him would help add tension to the story.
Oh, and would someone in their late twenties seriously use the word 'gay' and 'retarded' in the context these characters do? Maybe it's part of the culture...being young and immature?
There's a couple more things, but you'll have to shift through my typo list to get to those nuggets.
So, saying that--
you need to remove all those continues...it's just not neccessary.
pg.10 and again on pg.11... should be 'fridge.
pg.15 last dialog is missing a word or worded wrong.
pg.27..."The door swings..."...ok that's a little much for just a door swinging open.
pg.27...I just need to mention some of your pop culture references...some of them are a bit much and you can't even count on a reader to even know what the heck you're talking about...sure I know Juggernaut...but eh...I'm pulling a blank on Ultimate Warrior so you're unneedlessly confusing me on what you're trying to get across.
pg.32 cannon should be canon.
pg.37 I think overstayed is one word.
pg.42 wheelchair is one word.
pg.43 should be "still can't stand that.."
pg. 54 I think you need a more plausible reason why they would end up in jail...it needs to be more extreme to be believable.
pg.78 should be "Jesus, Steve."
I'm not sure I believe Kate would go off to the woods by herself...while the other guys...well, don't do much. If they're gonna stay at the convention, give them a good reason.
pg.86 missing a period after "squints".
Hope some of this helps. Good luck with the rewrite. read
by bthielke on 02/23/2009This review to me is a mixed thing. I loved-absolutely loved the first half of this story. However, in the second half a couple of concerns popped into my head. One was the tone and tenor of the story- The first half was solidly PG IMHO, while in the second half we had a big uptick in swear words, talk about fisting and rape etc. I think the mere mention of fisting will... This review to me is a mixed thing. I loved-absolutely loved the first half of this story. However, in the second half a couple of concerns popped into my head. One was the tone and tenor of the story- The first half was solidly PG IMHO, while in the second half we had a big uptick in swear words, talk about fisting and rape etc. I think the mere mention of fisting will put a script to an R rating because it's seen as an abherrent sexual practice. If you want to make this R rated, spice it up through out with some nudity, more profanity and more crudity. If you want PG or PG-13, tone down the second half stuff.
Second, major point. Brian just dissapeared for well over half the script. This guy is the object of Kate's quest and he's not around. Have some cutbacks to him. Also, if he was so angry at Kate, I thought he was too easy to forgive. I have some notes on that later, but it's good that you worked her transformation to uber geek into the reconciliation, but you need to work on this aspect a little more.
Concept- A good concept- glorifying geeks without stereotyping them.
Character- Harvey was CLASSIC- I laughed out loud. As I mentioned before Brian's dissaperance from the proceedings was troublesome to me. Almost forgot about him. Kate was a good character and I liked her arc. But she went from ambivelant about his geekiness to embracing it. What if you went even farther and had her initially actively trying to change him and stop him from being a geek, then it could give that level of misunderstanding when Brian realizes she sold his action figures.
dialogue- some of the gamer speak got a bit hard to understand, but it was pretty authentic and I like how you used Kates use of gamer speak to show her transformation.
Format- solid, no complaints.
Story- An engaging story- Although I thought for how much you embrassed the dorkiness in all of us at first you were somewhat derisive of it when they were at ComicCon. I'd preferred if you'd continue to embrace and celebrate that dorkiness through out your story. Does that make sense??
Overall- I really enjoyed this story although I think you need to keep Brian in the story, and add a little to end to make it a more believable reconciliation. Also I'd seek consistency of tone in terms of how you view geeks and nerds and how crude your story is. Great job.
pg 19 - I thought Brians reaction to Kate was somewhat predictable but also not true to his character. What's the pressure he's feeling? that he's giving up his geeky past to be with Kate. His friends are pressuring him to be himself. When Kate sells the cars I don't think he'd be angry. I could see sadness over losing the link to his parents, I could also see some sense of realization (false though it may be) that Kate won't accept him as a dorky gamer and this act of selling the toys was part of her plan.
Pg-30 Harvey is cracking me up. For some reason I'm channeling that fashion designer Will Ferrell played in Zoolander and I'm loving it.
pg 31- you have several instances of "pwn" at the beginning of words, should that all be "own" as in own and ownage?
pg 34- I'm not sure kate would confide so much in Laura yet. Kate has to know that Laura's not doing this to help out Kate, so there's no connection yet. Maybe you could save this conversation till later?
pg 44- that seems like an uneven bet. Wouldn't Harvey at least balk at that?
pg 64 at about 5 pages this scene in the van is a little long and doesn't really push the story forward. I'd condense it or put something in there that is relevant, like maybe the earlier speech kate made about brian being stable.
by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 02/19/2009I loved every minute of it until the ending, which I found anti-climactic. Other than that, sensational. Characters were great. You nailed the Laura character and Harvey characters. You were able to embody the tribal culture of all geekdom from middle-earth to the outer rim. Kudos. Was that Commander Yar that took Steve's virginity? Anyway, love the title. First thought was... I loved every minute of it until the ending, which I found anti-climactic. Other than that, sensational. Characters were great. You nailed the Laura character and Harvey characters. You were able to embody the tribal culture of all geekdom from middle-earth to the outer rim. Kudos. Was that Commander Yar that took Steve's virginity? Anyway, love the title. First thought was that it struck like 40 year old virgin but after ten pages I didn't care. I think you should voice over the opening scene and come up with fictional versions of anything that might pose legal concerns. I don't know the rules on this stuff but I'll give a general "Cover your ass" warning.
Harvey vs. The Tortoise - Harvey puts up the Action Comic and takes the ultimate noob as a partner against tough competition. He's got an ego from hell so I can see that him doing it, but I don't think his buttons were pushed enough to get him to that point. I'm looking for the Tortoise to say or do something that pushes Harvey to the point where he'd be willing to make such a poor decision.
Lots of authorial asides that honestly I don't care about but someone else might. I don't know if you should get rid of them or not, because it is a style thing. Just know that generally it's looked down upon.
Funny all the way through. Hope this one finds a home. Good luck. read
by bloodmeridian2004 on 02/18/2009PERSONAL IMPRESSION: I like the idea of exploring the culture of fantasy gamers. As is, THE HEART OF DORKNESS is a bit too far away from Joseph Conrad’s and Francis Ford Coppolla’s take on getting lost in an exotic world, but it’s a decent start. LOGLINE: A socialite who accidentally sells her nerdy boyfriend's childhood toy collection must find a way to retrieve them when... PERSONAL IMPRESSION: I like the idea of exploring the culture of fantasy gamers. As is, THE HEART OF DORKNESS is a bit too far away from Joseph Conrad’s and Francis Ford Coppolla’s take on getting lost in an exotic world, but it’s a decent start.
LOGLINE: A socialite who accidentally sells her nerdy boyfriend's childhood toy collection must find a way to retrieve them when he refuses to forgive her.
That’s good, but this story starts out as if it were about the boyfriend, and not the socialite.
PLOT/STRUCTURE: There were a few minor formatting concerns that I mentioned in the reading notes. Not a big deal.
What concerns me is that the motivation feels misplaced, which comes from my concern that I mentioned about the logline.
In other words, it feel like our hero should be Brian instead of Kate, and he should be the one trying to recover his childhood toys and all that implies.
FIRST TEN PAGES: The first two pages are very cinematic, nice job. However, we don’t meet our hero, Kate, until page 5—and her introduction feels intentionally misleading.
I understand the desire to be clever, as if to be very subtle, but clarity is a common lament of readers and switching gears like this, from a cinematic opening with who clearly appears to be our hero, to talking heads makes it very difficult to visualize this as a movie as opposed to a radio drama.
FIRST TURNING POINT: Okay, I’m not a structure maven, but it feels like this happened on page 19, where Kate tells Brian that she sold his old toys.
That feels like it should be a catalyst. If so, this moment should hit no later than page 15 or so.
Point being, it feels kind of muddled because of the lack of clarity about who the hero is.
If Kate is kept as the hero in future drafts, I think the story needs to open with her.
SECOND TURNING POINT: Page 89, where Kurtzman tells Kate what happened to the toys. While it’s a mature and perfectly reasonable explanation, it isn’t cinematic. It’s anti-climatic.
CONCLUSION: Page 95, the moment when Brian realizes how much he truly cares for Kate and is touched by her effort to recover his toys. It’s reasonable, but once again feels more novelistic than cinematic.
p1 not sure how I feel about the music cue
(CONTINUED) at the bottom of the page like this has gone out of style
p4 (CONT’D) like this is usually just used for when dialogue crosses over the same pages by the same character after (MORE)
p20 nice bit of description here:
There is a moment of horrified silence as everyone in the
store realizes the gravity of the unforgivable sin Kate has
p92 Omit CUT TO
FINAL THOUGHTS: I was very hopeful that the creepiness of Tortoise would lead to a deeper exploration of the problems with delayed maturity and sexuality.
There are a lot of ways to play with this story in the next draft.
The smartest way would probably be to tone down the explicit language and to make it kind of a fun, smart “Stranger-Danger” story with a clear cut hero and a clear cut villain.
by MattyMustng on 02/18/2009Heart of Dorkness This is a script regarding the world of MMORPG’s, computer gaming, comic books, and action figures. It reminded me somewhat of the hilarious ROLE MODELS, which had the obvious effects of role playing and computer games and such. The difference between the two is that ROLE MODELS has a lot of broad humor mixed with that computer gaming type of humor. In... Heart of Dorkness
This is a script regarding the world of MMORPG’s, computer gaming, comic books, and action figures. It reminded me somewhat of the hilarious ROLE MODELS, which had the obvious effects of role playing and computer games and such.
The difference between the two is that ROLE MODELS has a lot of broad humor mixed with that computer gaming type of humor. In fact, very little of that film is actually about that world, although that is what the climax revolves around.
Anyway, on to my review. I have various sections broken down here and my feelings on each one. Then, after that, I have some page notes with specific issues regarding formatting, typos, dialogue issues, etc.
Concept: Basically, a girl named Kate ends up selling her boyfriend’s action figures. These action figures were given to him by his parents (and his house inexplicably blew up), so they are quite close to him. She goes on a quest of sorts to retrieve the figures back, with Brian’s friends tagging along. The concept is decent, but rather basic. The only thing new is that it’s set in this world of computer gaming, which is rather one-joke and unfortunately pushes out a large percent of the audience.
Story: The story, unfortunately, takes the usual twists and turns. She wants to go and find the things she gave away, and she has tribulations to get past as she does. One complaint is that we don’t quite know why she really wants to go to all this work. We never actually grasp the love between her and Brian. Because of that, it seems far-fetched that see would essentially go to the ends of the earth for him. I think part of the problem is that the script opens and it seems as if Brian is our protagonist, but it turns out to be Kate.
By the middle of the script, I was losing interest because it was just so basic. It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t unusual either. We knew there would be a lot standing in her way, and that’s exactly what happens. The actual road to her finding this guy at Comicon is rather basic, and doesn’t take a hell of a lot of work.
Ultimately, she does not get the toys back, but in a seemingly dues ex machine fashion, a neighborhood kid happens to be the one that bought the items. This is okay because Brian has gotten over the fact that they were gone, but it seems like a simple, pleasant way to give the film a happy ending. Ultimately, I think the toys should be lost forever. We need honesty in a film, not a happy ending.
Structure: The structure is okay, although the act points aren’t quite there. The midpoint doesn’t seem to exist, and the act 2 climax isn’t defined enough. For these, I highly suggest referring to Blake Snyder’s beat sheet. And, I also suggest that you look at the hero’s journey. This type of script begs to fit the hero’s journey formula (STAR WARS is the best example of a hero’s journey). Wouldn’t that be perfect? To follow the hero’s formula much like STAR WARS did in a script like this. I think studying that format would suit you quite well.
Character: The characters are decent, but not earth shattering. I like how Harvey always says the person’s entire name. It is part of his character and gives him a unique dialogue. This is what you need to look for, and for a lot of the characters you have pretty well defined dialogue and characteristics.
Unfortunately, there isn’t a lot of change to go through here. No character arcing. In STAR WARS, Luke must give up the computer and “go with the force,” thus denying everything he has lived life by. But, in this, Kate does become accepting of computer lingo and jargon and their way of life, but she needs to be painted as a character would doesn’t want to change, but MUST change for the sake of her journey. Otherwise, the change is unnecessary, unrealistic, and a plot convenience.
Dialogue: Decent, throughout. A few examples of overly-expository dialogue and without subtext, but I outlined those below. Not too much to harp on here.
Overall, a decent comedy with some funny moments, but still some work to go.
P1: FADE IN should be on the left margin, and should come BEFORE the slugline. You cannot have a slugline if you haven’t faded in yet.
P1: “We” don’t open on anything. The film does, and “we” don’t talk about what “we’re” doing. Just state lines without perspective.
P1: This entire sequence is confusing. We have no idea who Mumm-Ra or Lion-O, or Cheetara are.
P2: You can delete the CONTINUED at the bottom of each page. Unnecessary.
P4: “you” should be “you’re”
P7: Nicholas Sparks or something? You aren’t sure?
P10: If kate yells from upstairs, it should be KATE (O.S.) because she is Off-screen (O.S.)
P10: Firstly, it’s not “frige” it’s “fridge.” Secondly, don’t call it a “fridge” in the action. It’s a refrigerator.
P11: by “in accordance to the universal law of comic shop owners” you really mean “in accordance with movie clichés.” Why not break those movie clichés? I know several comic book shop owners/employees that are not portly.
P14: Kelly and Kate are too similar names. Try to find something that starts with a different letter.
P28: Hmmm trying to beat us over the head with something here?
P29: Need a DAY or NIGHT, or in this case, a CONTINUOUS on the slugline
P47: This is virtually uninteresting at this point.
P51: he sees a thousand screaming children in her eyes? This type of description is for novels, not screenplays.
P53: “Steve denies him” This is obvious with the next line of dialogue. Don’t tell us.
P54: “Viking berserker” another example of the unnecessary description that is reserved only for novelists.
P64: “We have a MONTAGE!” No, no, no. That’s not how “we” write a screenplay. Montages have specific formatting, above all they do not include exclamation marks. See Trottier’s SCREENWRITER’S BIBLE on how to format a montage.
P65: “duh” delete it.
P70: Don’t need “the actual”
P74: “thunderbirds are go” A direct line from JUNO. It seems as though a lot of your action paragraphs are trying to copy Diablo Cody. That’s her style of writing, you need your own.
P74: While we’re at it, “deep dicking” is a term from CHASING AMY, another film with comic books.
P92: Why do you have a random cut to in here?
P93: This montage is formatted a little better, but still not quite right. Look at Trottier as I suggested above.
P95: “you had me at pwnage” pretty good line, actually.
Good luck with your rewrites.
by krayhayft on 02/18/2009I loved this script, being a geek growing up I can totally connect to this fish out of water story and the people in it. It has a great Keven Smith feel without the raunchiness of being like his films. Any geek or geek at heart would love this movie. Characters: I like, enough said. They all had a "real" feel to them except for the throw-away ones like Special K, I felt you... I loved this script, being a geek growing up I can totally connect to this fish out of water story and the people in it. It has a great Keven Smith feel without the raunchiness of being like his films. Any geek or geek at heart would love this movie.
Characters: I like, enough said. They all had a "real" feel to them except for the throw-away ones like Special K, I felt you could have given them a little more depth.
Concept: Like I said, it's a fish out of water story, but the idea of a muggle entering into the world of Geekdom is a great twist. It gives normals a peek into the geeks world and life that most just dismiss and in the end turning Kate into one of us.
Dialog: good but could use some work. some of it felt a little on the nose, but not a lot.
Story: I got nothing to complain about.
Here are some other notes I wrote down.
“Fade in:” goes first and on the right side.
Get rid of the “we open”. “Fade in:” means that.
This whole opening scene can be summed up with one line. “Brian plays with the action figures.”
Get rid of the “continued”s.
Don’t use camera angles.
As I guy who went to an art school. You hit anime fan Laura, on the head, lol.
I’d get rid of “whom we will call”, that takes us out of the story. Plus “we” aren’t going to call then anything, we’re not in the story ;) . Plus this part, “They all wear black T-shirts they acquired free with video game reservations.” is novel writing, a viewer wouldn’t know this.
You can drop “(CONT’D)” after Laura. It’s no longer used.
You might want to change “RP” to “Role Play”. A lot on non-geeks, I’m not one of them, lol, might not know what that means.
“She’s reading sentimental chick porn; Nicholas Sparks or something.” Why not just say she’s reading a romance novel? I know you’re trying to be funny, but you need to think visual, not novel. What will be seen, not read?
“Ray is long haired and portly, in accordance with the universal law of comic shop owners.” Worst description ever. Lol, just kidding.
Rage, lol! Jesus Christ, I’ve forgotten all about that game.
“She highlights the ’twice’ with two big fingers.” This is kinda directing the actor, be careful of doing that, from what I’ve learned, people look down on that.
“Brian is disturbed.” This seems out of place, or maybe it just feels like it’s not a deep enough impact. I don’t know, it just doesn’t feel right.
Ok, this whole scene feels like it needs some work. Like does Kate know about Brian’s parents? If so, then the reaction should be different. But if not, this would be a great scene for Laura to tell Kate what she did wrong instead of Special K where it feels like “on the nose dialog”. Also, I think that Kate would be taken back a little more then what she is because I doubt that Brian had yelled at her like this before.
You forgot to CAP “Peter the Strange”.
If I was you I would have Kate confused about “pwn”, “nood” and “lulz” and have Steve quickly explain, just for the non-geek and gamers to understand. Just a thought.
Pg. 32 Oh, never mind, lol.
I’m not afraid.
You will be... You will be...
This is just oozing with awesomeness, lol.
You might want to say “tags” instead of “posts”, if you haven’t guessed yet, I’m a geek, or use to be, lol.
“Harvey likes dorky piano rock, so he’s probably listening to Ben Folds Five or The Fray.” Again, novel writing. Just tell us what he’s listening to.
For the montage you start it with simply “MONTAGE” the end it with “END MONTAGE” consider them Scene Headings.
“He can see all the way to Florida (whatever that means).” Steve says this so why write it down in the action.
“We never see her face. Every shot is either from her POV or over her shoulder.”
You’re directing the director. Don’t. Find some other way of describing this.
Yeah. I was tried to talking this
girl for and she... I said and...”
Overall, great. if this is ever made I will be there to watch it. I just wish I could get someone like you who understands anime and geeks to read my story "Artificial" cause that's who I'm aiming my story at as well much like you. Maybe if I'm lucky ;).
Great job on the script and good luck with the rewrite. I'll have my fingers crossed. read
by kurtsegers on 02/17/2009Hi there, I remember that a couple of years ago, I was thinking of writing a screenplay about the world of RPG’s, but since I don’t have any affinity whatsoever with that scene, I decided not to go there. I’m glad I did. I would never be able to write something so funny as this script. Even though there were many moments where I hardly knew what you were talking about. This... Hi there,
I remember that a couple of years ago, I was thinking of writing a screenplay about the world of RPG’s, but since I don’t have any affinity whatsoever with that scene, I decided not to go there. I’m glad I did. I would never be able to write something so funny as this script. Even though there were many moments where I hardly knew what you were talking about. This is truly a very funny script, with hilarious characters and excellent dialogues. Great job. Excellent title too, by the way. As you might have guessed, this is probably one of the most useless reviews on TS. Drag me before the hall of justice if you must. The only general advice I would give you is to get rid of the passive tenses (“they stand”, “they look” instead of “they are standing, they are looking”). Oh yeah, and look out for too much irony in the descriptions, it is funny, but it might distract some readers. I especially remember “And then we have... A MONTAGE!” Some people here can be very anal over the use of montages, and they might get offended.
Good luck with this script. I’d like to see it in the top ten.
Notes while reading
Pg 12 “Is it glass so you can at least look at them?” Good, as is all the dialogue so far.
Pg 25 “Good luck on that, Yoko.” Why Yoko?
Pg 27 I had to look up the word “klazomaniac”, only to find out it is someone who shouts virtually everything that comes out of his mouth. Everybody has his Marilyn Monroe moment.
Pg 32 cannon
Pg 36 “Only the stories. I heard no one has ever seen him bleed or cry.” excellent
Pg 47 “He rattles with the intensity of the most insane sugar rush in the history of caffeinated beverages.” It’s this kind of lines (funny, but to the point) that make this script so good.
Pg 51 “I’ll ram a stick up your ass and eat you like a meat-sicle.” breaks the ice at parties
Pg 54 “I can’t believe this. That guy is going to sell Brian’s toys in California and I’m going to end up in women’s prison.” That’s a bit too on the nose.
Pg 76 “Kate and Laura are staring up” You should use more active tenses: Kate and Laura stare up… You do it quite often.
Pg 90 Brilliant dialogue between Kurtzman and Kate. read
- Writer: Mike Leon
- Uploaded by: Mike Leon
- Length: 98 pages
- Genre: comedy
- My dad gave away his brother's matchbox cars when they were teenagers and his brother was sad. So years later he rebuilt the whole set piece by piece at collectors conventions and gave it to his brother as a christmas present. That gave me the idea for this script, which is totally different than that story.
- Bio: Mike Leon is actually a swarm of insects wearing a man suit.
Members Who Like This Submission Also Like...
Copyright © 2001-2014 Trigger Street Labs. All Rights Reserved.