(PLEASE READ PRODUCTION NOTES) High school senior Veronica hates herself and we're not exactly sure why. Through... more
HOW IT RATES
After sustaining a serious spinal injury, a world champion figure skater struggles to overcome the odds and make her Olympic dreams come true. On her long journey back to the rink, she learns that love and war can be found on and off the ice.
Members Who Like This Submission Also Like...
Two Foreign Legion Paratroopers compete for the same French nurse, then fight for their lives, while a beautiful... more
Reviews of Heart of Gold 22
by davidmcewing on 11/04/2010It's a real pleasure to read a well-written script like this one. It grabbed me and held my interest right to the end. This SP is headed for SOM and on to the silver screen. Great job. I couldn't find any real fault with the storyline or its presentation. The characters are realistic and the dialog natural. The tention between Jenna and her father was convincing. I could feel... It's a real pleasure to read a well-written script like this one. It grabbed me and held my interest right to the end. This SP is headed for SOM and on to the silver screen. Great job. I couldn't find any real fault with the storyline or its presentation. The characters are realistic and the dialog natural. The tention between Jenna and her father was convincing. I could feel the ice melt between them as the story progressed. I've reviewed nearly 200 scripts, and this one is the very best. As a fellow writer, I feel humbled by your talent.
Page 65 - I especially liked the surprise Jenna played on Ethan with her phone at his front door. A very amusing scene. Nice touch. The following love scene was really well done.
I may be a little bias regarding this SP as I'm a fan of both figure skating and football. You have a winner here. This is a great film waiting to happen. Best of luck. read
by gp101 on 11/01/2010I like movies with sports as a backdrop, especially when athletes have to make some sort of a comeback. Nothing beats a good ROCKY type of story. They are tough to write because there have been so many that tried to capture the magic of ROCKY so there are a lot of cliches that a writer could easily fall into. But your angle, to have two athletes in two different sports coming... I like movies with sports as a backdrop, especially when athletes have to make some sort of a comeback. Nothing beats a good ROCKY type of story. They are tough to write because there have been so many that tried to capture the magic of ROCKY so there are a lot of cliches that a writer could easily fall into. But your angle, to have two athletes in two different sports coming together to help each other is a very nice twist on this type of material, so I really like the concept. Well done on that end. Plus, one of the sports--skating--is not one I'm that familiar with except during Olympics, so I was looking forward to some insight on that sport.
Thing is, I wasn't completely taken by your script for two reasons: I wasn't crazy about your two leads, and there are some plot holes you might have to address. Just my opinion, so see what others say. If you get similar feedback, I think both of these issues can be fixed.
I like the way you give Ethan a near-OCD quality and he’s very tidy unlike most bachelors (such as myself). He does come off as too hot-headed earlier especially with the daughter of his boss (most of us would be careful about that). And he mentions in a subtle way that money’s tight and he lives in what comes across as a fairly modest home… but I’m thinking that if he’s a former pro quarterback (and former Heisman winner, no less), he should have already signed a contract for millions, including a fat signing bonus regardless that he's lost his spot on the team, so where is all his money?
Jenna seems nice, except her first few scenes with Ethan where she’s snooty… and that’s being kind. Very different from the person who’s sincere about helping others before she helps herself. And for a 22-year-old pro skater, she should have some money of her own, but opts to live with her bossy daddy—and she’s a virgin, to boot. That all adds up to a tough sell.
I think you rushed into getting them together. Jenna's accident occurs before i really got to know her. And all i know about Ethan before he meets her is that he's a pissed off has-been. I think if you could give each one a few more pages each to develop who they are--and make me really care about each one of them--then Jenna's accident will be more tragic in my eyes, and Ethan's bad luck will seem more bitter to me. But I don't know them that well so the accident and his bad luck, while definitely attention-getting, doesn't elicit as strong an emotional reaction from me that I think you could have if you let them show us more sides to their characters earlier.
On your locations, you open with an INT of an ICE SKATING RINK DRESSING ROOM, and your next location is the ICE SKATING RINK CLEVELAND; just a nitpick, but you’re better off letting us know that it is Cleveland in that first location rather than the second one. The next location is the INT of Ethan’s living room where you tell us there are Michigan and Washington team memorabilia all over the place—but the last city mentioned was Cleveland, and since Ethan plays for Washington, I’m confused what city this living room is located in. And I wonder further about what city I’m in with the next few locations: the fundraiser, the accident, the hospital—are they still in Cleveland or in her home town of Minneapolis; then back to Ethan at his agent’s—does his agent live in the same city as Ethan or have we traveled somewhere else? Most agents represent so many players, it's unlikely--though not impossible--that he lives in the same town as Ethan. If the agent is a Jerry McGuire and is so desperate to make Ethan happy that he lives in the same town, you might have to add a little backstory to explain that.
A question regarding the football teams: I wasn’t sure in the beginning if they were fake “NFL”ish teams that you’ve made up the names to, or if they were a smaller league or arena football—you mentioned later on page 17 that they are NFL, but initially, using non-NFL team names had me guessing as to what kind of league this is. I mention this because if Ethan is considering a trainer job with a team in hopes of nabbing a position on the field that opens up, well I can see that happening with some small-market type of league, but not with an NFL type of league.
Ethan and Jenna’s first dialogue exchange seems rushed, not very believable. He’s just met her and I didn’t see them having a warm “getting-to-know-you” type of exchange before Ethan just digs his nose into her business about her stepmom. Not sure many people would try that in real life. Maybe you could have them bond just a little bit before they tread those waters--they don't have to fall in love right away, just some banter so they establish some sort of repoire. And also later on when he gives her the "silver-spoon" line… a bit harsh to talk to the daughter of your employer like that.
I’m no expert on back surgery or anything, but when my mom had spinal surgery she wasn’t allowed to even do any housework for eight months (duties which fell onto my poor old man…), so I’m wondering if Jenna working out so vigorously two months after the accident might be a bit too fast? You’d know better than me because I’m assuming you researched it, but if you haven’t, I thought I’d mention this to you.
Their arguments start to get a little melodramatic, especially when Ethan gives her crap about being late and she counters with the history she looked up about him. They’re suddenly arguing. It might work better if they each play it a little more subtly with perhaps little digs at each other that they reply to sarcastically or something. It might take the melodrama out of the scene. They both come off slightly bitchy right now, for me anyways.
On page 28 John asks Ethan if he finished his spine fellowship (does such a thing exist?) and when Ethan says no, John wants to replace him with an expert. But if John runs a team, I’m thinking he’s got an attention to detail, and if he loves his daughter, he would’ve made sure of Ethan’s credentials earlier instead of taking that other woman’s word on it (the woman in an earlier scene who recommended Ethan). I’m thinking a man with his money and power would have landed the best rehab therapist in all of Minnesota. Also, the way Jenna pleads for Ethan to remain on as her therapist sort of came off as a teenager asking for the car keys. If she is 22 years old, you should have her act like a woman of her own instead of pleading with daddy. She’d become a stronger character that more actresses would want to play.
If Ethan truly loves Jenna, I think he way overreacts when she tries to get him the QB job. And to question their relationship over it, too? That’s just harsh. Makes me not like him.
Seems that Ethan is on the team by their next pre-season game and he’s thrown in at the end. But aren’t there other QBs ahead of him on the list? He’s basically a walk-on at this point and unless you show him really lighting it up during multiple practices, I don’t see them going to him so quickly. And in the montage that follows soonafter, Ethan is leading them to their 8th straight win… it’s all a bit to fast, too sudden to go with the last guy on your depth chart, especially considering the starting QB’s only mistake was a fumble in that earlier pre-season game. Maybe have that first QB really screw up a lot before they try another QB, and THEN Ethan. Might seem more believable.
The way Jenna comes back for Ethan… it makes her look like the wimp. HE’S the one that broke it off and hurt her. It should be Ethan who makes the grand gesture to patch things up, not Jenna. She looks too needy right now.
On page 90 Ethan wins the Mustangs their first league championship. But… since they play in the NFL, that would mean the Superbowl. There’s no mention of Superbowl, and they’re playing at Mustang Stadium, which, is almost an impossibility since the Superbowl is usually played in warmer-weather climates.
I like the way Kathleen comes around and asks John why he’s forcing Jenna to quit her dreams. Nice way to endear herself to Jenna. But again, I think you tackled the scene too heavy-handedly. It comes across as melodrama instead of plain drama. Perhaps have Kathleen make simple statements, simple inquiries, and suggest that what John’s doing is wrong. It might make the scene play less melodramatically, I think.
During the Olympics you have Jenna at a rental cabin, but make no mention of the Olympic Village where all athletes are housed (I think??)… would make for some nice banter if Jenna faced off against Elizabeth there over her remarks. Also, when Ethan goes looking for her, I don’t believe he would be allowed anywhere near the locker rooms—they are female locker rooms, I’m sure other athletes would be present, and security would be tight. But once he’s there and apologizes, she melts. Again, she seems to whishy-washy. Give her a backbone and have her make Ethan prove his love and maybe storm out on him for now. You’ve made it too easy on the guy. Make him squirm.
I like how Jenna seems to make up with Kathleen on 107, but it would be more satisfying if John tells Jenna that it was Kathleen who made him see he was wrong. It might make the scene that more endearing, and Kathleen more endearing to Jenna.
So when Ty “places his hand on her heart” he’s placing it on her boob. Kind of creepy. Then Jenna has some words with her teammates before she skates; not only does that show poor sportsmanship on Jenna’s part (she should be above all that), she must know that all cameras are capturing this and it would make her look bitchy and petty.
Nice touch that she wins it all in the end. However, Ethan wins the championship and Jenna does also—by setting a new record, no less? Seems like too much of a fairytale to be honest. Ethan and/or Jenna could both be winners (in love and in their sports) without winning it all… just a suggestion. It would be less expected from an audience in that way.
Like I said, I think this is a nice concept. I wish you luck with it. One last thing... have you ever considered turning this into a Disney kids' movie? It's ripe for that kind of treatment if you took out the profanity and sex. Then everyone can win everything at the end. Just a thought.
Hope I've helped. Good luck with your writing.
by maryf on 10/30/2010Pretty unrealistic set of circumstances that the characters find themselves in. Just when I began worrying for the main character's health insurance it turns out her family is enormously wealthy and owns a football team. Why the father John wouldn't like Ethan is beyond me he was a professional athlete, phyiscal therapist, acupucturist, and hiessman winner. Perhaps the father... Pretty unrealistic set of circumstances that the characters find themselves in. Just when I began worrying for the main character's health insurance it turns out her family is enormously wealthy and owns a football team. Why the father John wouldn't like Ethan is beyond me he was a professional athlete, phyiscal therapist, acupucturist, and hiessman winner. Perhaps the father shouldn't of taken his daughter to the ice rink at four in the morning every day before school to get into Olympic condition if he really wanted his daughter to be a lawyer. It seems she shook off paralysis like a bad hair day. These over achieving characters didn't rest. The script was full of cliches and lacked the details of a genuine story. The dialogue was like it was a made for TV afternoon special. The structure was good. I wouldn't get discouraged many movies like this are made with good actors. read
by Jones25 on 10/20/2010This was a good story, a nice happy tale. I liked the fact that Jenna and Ethan help each-other recover, physically and emotionally, and that with each-others help they're able to succeed in their respective sports. I think this dual focus gives the story originality. It helped the story work as a study on success in competitive sports. The stories basic progression is that... This was a good story, a nice happy tale. I liked the fact that Jenna and Ethan help each-other recover, physically and emotionally, and that with each-others help they're able to succeed in their respective sports. I think this dual focus gives the story originality. It helped the story work as a study on success in competitive sports. The stories basic progression is that the two characters meet as a physio and a patient. The therapy doesn't work initially. He tries too hard to help her. She finds out this may be because of his injury and his subsequent failure as an American Football player. They get past this. He helps her recover. They fall in love. She gets him a trial in the Football team her Father owns. He's really angry with her. It destroys their relationship. He takes the opportunity anyway and is successful with the team. She is partially successful as a figure skater. He turns up for her performance at the Olympics. Where she wins.
A look at this overview of the plot shows the story moves successfully back and forth between failure and success. I think structurally Heart of Gold is a very sound screenplay. Technically the story could be improved in a number of areas, too many conjunctions are used in the action writing, ie.
“Pleased with herself, she smiles. He closes the dishwasher. He goes over, puts his arms around her and pulls her close.”
“Pleased with herself, she smiles. He closes the diswasher, goes to her, hugs her, tightly.”
Another example – P65 -
“Jenna sits on the counter while Ethan loads the dishwasher.”
“Jenna sits on the counter, Ethan loads the dishwasher.”
Jenna, Ethan, and his family sit around a picnic table, Uncle FRANK and AUNT BEVERLEY, 60's, are now present.
I would change this to
Jenna, Ethan, his family sit around a picnic table, UNCLE FRANK and AUNT BEVERLEY, 60's, now present.
Cutting out these conjunctions would make the screenplay a faster, snappier read. It also increases the emotion of the moment. In this instance less is more. There's also a number of unnecessary metaphors used in the action writing, ie. P4,
“Ty picks Jenna up, swings her round. Elizabeth approaches, gives Jenna what appears to be a genuine congratulatory hug.”
This moment left me confused, I think it should be changed to - 'Elizabeth approaches, gives Jenna a congratulatory hug.” We've no reason to suspect that Elizabeth is a bad person at this stage, and it's a bit of a confusing metaphor.. IMO there is an overuse of metaphors in this script. Ideally they should only be used if they're incredibly simple, they capture the visual intention of the moment, and they're indispensable.
I think for the most part the conflicts set up in each scene were strong. I can't recall an instance of a scene that I thought shouldn't have been there. I enjoyed a lot of the dialogue, it seemed realistic, I could hear the character voices, none of them seemed to speak out of turn. However I think at points too much dialogue was used. An example of this is the interchange on P36.
Ethan - What... you don't like to fish?
Jenna – It's not that I don't like it. It's just that I've never been. I don't know how to fish.
Ethan – Well, in that case, I think it's time you learn.
There's too much padding here. I think if some of it needs to be stripped down, ie.
Ethan – What... you don't like to fish?
Jenna – No, it's not that. I've never been. I don't know how to.
Ethan – I think it's time you learn.
I think a good edit of the dialogue will make the drama more potent, and will help the story shine through.
I liked how Jenna and Ethan's families fitted into the story. They helped highlight the difference between the two characters. John, Kathleen and Ty were strong supporting characters with effective arcs. They helped build the script to a strong conclusion. I also liked how Ethan starts going out with Sarah towards the end of the script. It shows that he's trying to move on from Jenna. It also gives the story extra weight, and a sense of time passing which makes the conclusion more powerful. In the scene where Jenna meets Ethan's family, I would have prefered it if the family members were given names like Ethan's Uncle, Ethan's Father, etc. It was confusing being given all these extra character names in an already heavily populated script. In addition these character's are only used in this one scene so it's not really necessary to give them all names.
Overall a good story, with some tightening it will really stand out. read
by royhagen on 10/11/2010Really delightful, lots of character development, maturation and depth. Although the plot was not deep, the characters and the motivations that were inside each and every one of these people was subtly and expertly presented. Housekeeping: Just one typo: pg 10 "you're foot" should be "your foot". If it is OK with you, Donna, I'd like to go through HoG and relate points... Really delightful, lots of character development, maturation and depth. Although the plot was not deep, the characters and the motivations that were inside each and every one of these people was subtly and expertly presented.
Housekeeping: Just one typo: pg 10 "you're foot" should be "your foot".
If it is OK with you, Donna, I'd like to go through HoG and relate points that I was impressed with or modify: (Page #, first)
9 - Gave me moist eyes since I have been there.
But no one would try to get out of the bed, right after regaining consciousness. It would not happen. You could turn that into a few sentences of a conversation, instead. I think that amount of effort by the character (and your point of her trying real hard at everything in her life is too early in the script. Maybe after the second fall might be better).
15 I like how you brought the tension into the scene with Kathleen and even a guy (Ethan) picked it up on first meeting.
16 Great statement "How bad it sucks to have a career dream taken from you." Lots of us do, Donna. If the audience relates, you win.
21 Is this Ice Queen in Taming of the Shrew? Nice.
23 Ethans career note was good.
29 I liked when you said Jenna was 'unwilling to budge'. But how do you write that into a Screenplay, not a novel or book? "Jenna stares at John. John looks away." There. Done. We all get it. Jenna won. So now you are thinking Is Roy telling me to re-write? Of course. If this goes to a real movie place, they will re-write, again, most likely.
32 The unsaid sentence of Ethan. Donna, you had one and did not put it in, along with the unasked question of Jenna. Excellent. Now I am into this script.
33. From Ice Queen to only seeing the good in people while still in the first act. I thought she was the Shrew, still.
35. OK, she has been forced to face Cancer and is doing what she can.
38 Fishing is fine but there is no way a woman would bait her own hook. Donna, I have taken 3 women fishing on more than one date, each and not one, EVER has baited a hook. It is the guy's job. But the catching the trees and her man is very plausable.
40 A 'Woman's Intuition' look. A little verbose in some of the descriptions. If you can say it in 3 words, not 10, it's better.
42 Wouldn't she need an MD to OK her before the skates? Maybe he could be in the Montage: "Doctor nods head, shakes Jenna's hand."
47 An "Oh yeah!" moment with the Text.
48 Good that you remembered that Kath would leave the room, right then.
51 Please consider this: J "I know you don't kiss a girl goodnight on the first date"
E stares (beat) walks slowly, kisses her tentatively on the lips. Then passionately.
(End of scene.) Trust me on this one. At least write it out, once and see if you can get it to works for you. Skip the talk. I would not speak, I don't think any other guy would.
61 One last jump. Predictable but there must be a reason for this. Let's find out.
64 I liked the way you Intercut.
75 End Act 2. That's why she fell.
76 Good to bring the Cancer drive back in.
Introducing Sarah is good.
K "It's not your call." Good choice of words, Donna.
97 "Get her back" You made K deep. Well done.
106 Hallway scene put tears in my eyes.
109 "I hope you're watching (mom)." Perfect.
111. Ethan calls his boss and the owner of the team John?
Please have Ethan call him "Mr. Olsen" then have Mr. Olsen say "It's John." The owner of an NFL team would get respect without asking for it. He give orders. And he would not say "Please call me John." A woman would but not a man. Try it, Donna.
I hope I have been helpful. Beautiful script. Just cut out the verbosity and remember, the camera cannot see our motivations, only the actions or our silence. Scriptwriters must make the audience do some of the work. Just think of Harrison Ford staring at the camera (like in half his movies) we, the audiece have to put ourselves in his place and think what we would be feeling if we were in that position.
By the way, I have written a dozen scripts and been sent to the Hall of Justice a bunch of times. We do this for ourselves. Sure, it would be nice to get picked up but not all of us write "You had me at Heart." Keep writing! read
by Matthew Spira on 10/09/2010Review of HEART OF GOLD HEART OF GOLD is about an Olympic-champion figure skater, Jenna, who suffers a devastating spinal injury and Ethan, a somewhat discraced pro-caliber football quarterback turned physical therapist who helps her return to the Olympics and eventually win the gold medal. And of course they fall in love, have complications, but end up together at the end... Review of HEART OF GOLD
HEART OF GOLD is about an Olympic-champion figure skater, Jenna, who suffers a devastating spinal injury and Ethan, a somewhat discraced pro-caliber football quarterback turned physical therapist who helps her return to the Olympics and eventually win the gold medal. And of course they fall in love, have complications, but end up together at the end. It's the formula.
Although the writing is competent, shows care and attention to both form and detail it really didn't connect with me. John August recently had a blog post about romances, and his take was that they only need two things: characters we give a shit about, and a credible reason to keep them apart. I personally would add a third criteria, which is even if following a formula you won't be able to get away from, there still has to be SOMETHING surprising or unexpected to keep the pages turning. Unfortunately I think this script comes up somewhat lacking in all three areas.
The biggest problem is I just don't care about either Jenna or Ethan. In the first place, neither comes across as credible as an elite athlete. Having known a few in my time, an almost universal characteristic is mental toughness and discipline. I think this is especially true in figure skating where much of the preparation are hours and hours solitary practice on the ice every single day for years. Jenna just doesn't possess that quality. Her only discernable internal character flaw seems to be her whining. I think you need to rethink her character arc and really show her hitting rock bottom after her accident strips her of everything that had been her identity. Perhaps the time frame for the story can start at 16 (a more logical top contending age for a female figure skater) and then her comeback at 22. Along these lines, I would perhaps have her come from a less privileged background, so it's really just up to her to make the arduous trip back to the top. Her father for me detracts more from the dramatic tension of the story than he adds to it. It would be more interesting if she didn't essentially unlimited resources at her disposal.
As for Ethan, I think he also needs to be responsible for getting himself back into pro football, or to decide he no longers needs it. I don't find it particularly interesting that BOTH of them triumphantly succeed in reaching the very pinnacles of their sports. Perhaps it would be stronger as a romance if one truly sacrifices for the other. That would be a genuine stake, and would go a long way to informing the "credible" reason to keep them apart. (ie, the other doesn't want to accept the sacrifice.)
The second problem is the lack of dramatic tension. Yeah, this is a formulaic romance, and yeah of course they are going to end up together in the end, but I do think you need to go through every single scene and do your best to up the stakes, conflict and dramatic tension. I suspect a consistent theme in your reviews is going to be the predictability. The trick is to follow the formula, but STILL make the audience curious about what happens next.
In any case, the above is just my 1.5 cents. I wish you the best of luck with it. read
by Blue Jester on 10/09/2010This work was fairly easy to read, which tried updating a very coin like walking. It could use some trimming (see see below) yet it flowed well. The other side of the coin is that it partly flowed well because it was very predictable. Everyone acted the way I thought they would and said exactly what was on their minds eerie and I definitely think it could use a little bit... This work was fairly easy to read, which tried updating a very coin like walking. It could use some trimming (see see below) yet it flowed well.
The other side of the coin is that it partly flowed well because it was very predictable. Everyone acted the way I thought they would and said exactly what was on their minds eerie and I definitely think it could use a little bit more show than tell. Within your first 30 pages the of people referring to even as arrogant but his actions are really come across that harshly, certainly no more than somebody else trying to push an ambitious athlete with a deadline. The best suggestions I can give for the script are more drama, more substantial subtext and less predictability-- the evil stepmother, endearing dad, falling into her lover's arms literally et cetera. The more minor points are listed well.
Drama—I found very little conflict until page 70. What’s there throughout the script is resolved quickly and fairly predictably.
A rhetorical question: Does Jenna have any faults? What are they?
This criticism is in no way meant to be harsh-- there is potential here. The story that needs to be tweaked and scrape out from underneath the obvious fluff.
Good exposition with the announcers at the beginning. The coaching talk with Tracy is a decent way to give us a good guide view of Jenna though I recommend shortening it and giving Tracy a generic name so we don't expect her to have a large role since she doesn't.
The prose is fairly crisp, yet I’m a tight editor. Look for ways to trim a bit more (always leads to a quicker read)._ Ex. Pg.7 “Amused by his overly concern, she snickers.” “She snickers.” That’s all the audience will see and hear anyways. And I’d change they word to something more generic. I imagine whoever is playing the part wouldn’t care if it was snicker, chuckle, smile or grin. (I’ve read enough to know that just may be my preference). I have found other places that I’d recommend trimming, but I’ll let you handle it :) There’s also some grammatical issues that another read/reader could pick up like comma splices. Other areas I suggest trimming: name brands when a short description of the item will suffice, the use of “well” in dialogue, and adverbs.
Make sure the dialogue isn't too extraneous and that it furthers the plot. The point where John, Ethan in Jenna argue over evens spying qualifications seems to go on much longer than it needs to.
You may wish to change the prose to emphasize key moments:
She glances up--suddenly finds herself blinded by bright headlights. She looks horrified, lays down on the horn. Tires squeal loudly as she jerks the wheel. The sound of a direfulcrash is followed by darkness and complete silence.”
One way could be:
“She glances up-- is blinded by bright headlights.
She pounds on the horn. Ties squeal—she jerks the wheel.
An ominous CRASH is followed by silence.
This is certainly a matter of style but I think it reads quicker and punctuates such dramatic moments. Not something as easily skimmed over.
Introducing Sarah as if she knows Ethan seems weird so late in the script. She just comes out of nowhere. The same goes for Ty’s affections.
Overall, I know I have more cricism then praise yet I hope it works for you.
Best wishes!!! read
by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 10/08/2010It is incumbent upon me to point out that I am more than likely not the target audience for this piece. A geeky almost thirty year old male. None the less, I enjoyed it very very much. It was extremely well written and extremely well paced ... for the most part. My one complaint here is the end drags on a bit. It constantly seems like it's about to end, then goes on for... It is incumbent upon me to point out that I am more than likely not the target audience for this piece. A geeky almost thirty year old male. None the less, I enjoyed it very very much.
It was extremely well written and extremely well paced ... for the most part. My one complaint here is the end drags on a bit. It constantly seems like it's about to end, then goes on for another five or six pages, then seems like it's going to end, then goes on for another five or six pages ... just too much maybe coming together at the end. You left yourself too many loose ends to tie up. The most obvious cut, in my mind, is the Ty declaration of love. That would help, but it will require more than just that.
The piece obviously harkens to "The Cutting Edge." (not a bad reference for a geeky guy huh?). WIth Jenna being much more likable than Moira Kelly's character. And Ethan being more likable than his male lead counterpart. Perhaps it is just fate complete that any ice skating movie, especially one that involves a come back of some sort will call upon "The Cutting Edge." And, to be perfectly honest, I'm not sure you offer enough to really make your audience think "ooo, how original." And the inevitable harkening back to "The Cutting Edge" for anyone that has seen it, will only further weigh upon the inevitable verdict, that this piece is quite formulaic.
What this is,in my opinion, is a great MOW. I'm not sure that's what the intent was, and I'm not sure what you envision it being. But it screams "Lifetime." Just something to keep in mind, I guess, as you look to rewrites.
But over all... very nice job. Dialogue, character, motivations and drives, emotional balance, tone ... all superb. It is a gripping story and well told. Thanks for a very fun and enjoyable read. read
by CyFLY on 10/02/2010As she starts to sign an autograph for Mary, her cell phone rings. = RINGS (all caps for sound effects) Dad...Dad, where am I? = (space after … ) He eyes Gordon and Coach Lewis as he grows impatient, starts tapping his pen on his desk. = He eyes Gordon and Coach Lewis as he grows impatient; taps his pen on his desk. I like how you intertwine Ethan and Jenna’s story together…... As she starts to sign an autograph for Mary, her cell phone
rings. = RINGS (all caps for sound effects)
Dad...Dad, where am I? = (space after … )
He eyes Gordon and Coach Lewis as he grows impatient, starts tapping his pen on his desk. = He eyes Gordon and Coach Lewis as he grows impatient; taps his pen on his desk.
I like how you intertwine Ethan and Jenna’s story together… the script seems tight and reads smoothly
Ctrl + F to search for how many times you use words ending in “ING” along with words like “HE” “SHE” “THEN” “AND” “ALMOST””SEEMS” “STILL”“FEELS” “NOTICES” “FINALLY” “IS” ”SEE” “THE” “STARTS” “BEGINS” “SO” “LIKE” and try to cut some out.
Think of body language that can send the same message as a 10 word sentence
Jeff starts chuckling. = Jeff chuckles.
Some of your dialogue sounds too scripted like your characters are robots.. ex. Well, I do know that you attended college at Michigan State. = give your characters more personality.. if two people are in a room together.. make them as different as possible…
No! I don’t want anyone else. I want Ethan to do my therapy. = sounds childish
You use people’s names in your dialogue too much and it makes it sound unnatural…
Make your conversations more memorable… not just small talk that fills the pages…
They share a smile. = used too much
I’ll do anything, Ethan. = name dropping again?
Montage format is not correct…
Ty’s phone rings. = RINGS
It’s been a long day and I’m starving. Do you wanna go get some dinner? = everything is on the nose dialogue… you should work on subtext… people give clues to how they feel...
They share a laugh. = try not to do the same thing more than once??
ADD MORE DRAMA/CONFLICT… the story seems to be just conversation after conversation… it’s a motion picture… have people running/arguing/chasing… some time of entertaining action…
His house phone rings. = RINGS
You have a story here but you need to add more depth to it so your readers can be attached and actually care about your characters… keep listening to your reviews.. GOOD JOB!!! read
by Tommarcella1 on 09/30/2010I know that probably a lot of reviewers who will tell you that this screenplay is not original, and predictable but who cares I think it was a good story and I can see the passion you had in this work and the detail in skating that you placed in this, it shows that you either know about the sport or did a lot of research to write this. I think some people on tiggerstreet try... I know that probably a lot of reviewers who will tell you that this screenplay is not original, and predictable but who cares I think it was a good story and I can see the passion you had in this work and the detail in skating that you placed in this, it shows that you either know about the sport or did a lot of research to write this. I think some people on tiggerstreet try to be too original, and they write something that becomes uninteresting. Better to be interesting and not original than original and not interesting.
This is a good story, with good characters, but as all screenplays even the one written by professionals there are things that could use improving.
First, I think you are a good writer but you writer too much about what a person is feeling. Some portions feel like a romance novel, write about what people see or hear not about how they feel. This is the hardest part of writing screenplays but it must be followed, it is written for the screen for people to see and hear.
Next, don't compare a character with another character in a another story. Don't say he is a Jerry McGuire type.
Some of your scenes are too short and does not move the story forward. The scene where Ethan lifting weights p.27 is not necessary it does not move the story, I would delete.
One scene heading you place that they are traveling, we already know that because they are driving.
You also had in your descriptions too much "as if to say" maybe your characters need to say it.
The montage p. 41-42 the sentences are too long.
You had in the scene heading INT. RITZY RESTAURANT but you write in the description ritzy restaurant that is not needed.
Nancy says that Jenna's chances of medaling are slim but she is the last skater and on the scoreboard she is in third. So the least she an win is bronze. I think you need to change this that she has a slim chance of winning Gold.
All and all this is a good story, with some changes it can become a great story. Keep working, and I'm sure it would get better. read
- Writer: Donna Jones
- Uploaded by: DeeJay77
- Length: 112 pages
- Genre: drama, romance
- Thanks for considering this read. Even though this story is a drama/romance, chick flick so to speak, it includes quite a bit of football action which may be of interest to you guys out there.
- Bio: A Mississippi girl with a passion for writing.
Members Who Like This Submission Also Like...
Copyright © 2001-2015 Trigger Street Labs. All Rights Reserved.