Reviews of Hell On Wheels 4

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  "Just some truck driver..."
  A review of Hell On Wheels
  by Loeffelholz on 05/10/2005
  Wow. This is a really great story, told with skill; a thrilling look at an eerily (and uncomfortably plausible) scenario for an already-nervous post-9/11 United States---and, incidentally, a F*****G GREAT TITLE! Talk about branding potential! Milieu seems very authentic, reflecting either solid research or first-hand knowledge, which is always a plus. Dialogue is natural... Wow. This is a really great story, told with skill; a thrilling look at an eerily (and uncomfortably plausible) scenario for an already-nervous post-9/11 United States---and, incidentally, a F*****G GREAT TITLE! Talk about branding potential! Milieu seems very authentic, reflecting either solid research or first-hand knowledge, which is always a plus. Dialogue is natural to the ear, and very rarely too direct. Pacing, while a bit sluggish in Act I, moves along with a healthy momentum from then on. There is supreme potential for this material to take it to the next level...
  
  Issues:
  
  Action paragraphs seem overwritten, to include internal character stuff (unfilmables). Example: "Many thoughts, all bad, seem to race through his mind." This is just present tense prose---rather than simple, direct description of dramatic action---and it will kill you with studio/agent readers. You can't film this, so it shouldn't be in the script. This is rampant through your piece, and I strongly urge its complete elimination. Do a read-through, and you'll see it. In addition, you include dozens of qualifiers: "seem to," "apparently," etc...these only serve to weaken and make more passive what should be an assured, forward-lunging momentum of your story...take them all out.
  
  Character stuff: Mostly very solid, especially Joe. But Terese needs more development, so we can understand why she agrees to nuke Mardi Gras so readily. Better to make her a conspirator from the beginning, and have Joe's strength of character cause her to waver at the crucial moment.
  
  NUTS AND BOLTS STUFF: Chariyaka, Rashidi, President Hennessy and Glenn Shaddock not in caps when introduced. Cut back on overused parentheticals; let the actors/director do their job. Lose camera direction, like; 'MOVE IN' on...
  
  I LOVE the fact that the protagonist doesn't know what's going on until Act III. Great!
  
  All in all, a solid effort with enviable potential. Congratulations on some good work, and best wishes to you in your continuing creative endeavors. read
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  A review of Hell on Wheels
  A review of Hell On Wheels
  by Brandon Williford on 05/08/2005
  An interesting story using an everyman as the protagonist. Characters - The three "main" characters (Joe, Terese and Ram) are fairly interesting. Joe's the most rounded in terms of character depth and I think that Terese & Ram could use a little bit more fleshng out ... especially Terese in regards to why she's doing what she's doing at the beginning of the story versus her... An interesting story using an everyman as the protagonist.
  
  Characters - The three "main" characters (Joe, Terese and Ram) are fairly interesting. Joe's the most rounded in terms of character depth and I think that Terese & Ram could use a little bit more fleshng out ... especially Terese in regards to why she's doing what she's doing at the beginning of the story versus her decisions at the end. Chariyaka is a bit too stereotyped and could use some rounding out. Yes, he's a terrorist, but he doesn't see himself as one. Eddie and the boys are very stereotypical.
  
  Story/Structure - Flows fairly well, with some rough spots though ... and those rough spots are more the area where what happens seems contrived versus flowing naturally from the story. Eddie and the boys are my main example. Everything about them seems contrived for the sake of giving Joe obstacles to overcome. They could probably be merged into the story better. I can't give an example how as this is your story and you'll know best how to do something like that.
  
  Dialogue - a bit stiiff at times, with a couple of sections that seem preachy ... namely Joe's speech on page 81. The conversation with Terese during that scene should run as a nice counterpoint to Chariyaka's on pages 18-20. Otherwise, the dialogue flows fairly well.
  
  Format - About half of the characters are introduced in all caps and the other half aren't. Pg 90 - a typo: "Eddie's and his goons" should just be "Eddie and his goons." There is also a format boo boo on the bottom of page 85 - action has been formatted as character and dialogue.
  
  Additional Notes/Comments:
  
  Joe seems to be very open with Ram, a mysterious stranger he just met.
  pg. 22 - a lot of dialogue for what's being talked about. While realistic, it does slow the pace.
  The conversation between Joe & Terese on pgs 79-82 seems very preachy and out of place.
  How does Eddie & company get ahead of Joe?
  pg 89 - it seems to me that even with a 20grand payoff, Joe doesn't seem to think what's been going on is a little extreme in terms of behaviour.
  pg 92 - the short scene in Shaddock's office is not needed.
  I'm not sure the U.S. Government would ionform the general public that there's a truck on the run carrying a nuclear bomb, even post-9/11.
  
  I wish you luck with your sp!! read
• 
  Regulation Adventure Drama Fails To Deliver Payload.
  A review of Hell On Wheels
  by Wnek on 05/05/2005
  Hell On Wheels has moments of tension, and, as you might expect from a story with a speeding bomb-laden truck as its main plot device, a certain amount of momentum, but ultimately falls down because it is over-populated by poorly motivated stock characters, and has a number of implausibilities in the story.
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  Sum of All Fears meets Smokey and the Bandit
  A review of Hell On Wheels
  by Tom Knighton on 04/26/2005
  The headline seems to sum up the concept of the screenplay for me, and it works well. I know it's probably not a parrallel you were working toward, but it's just the way it struck me. Very interesting concept, definately worth my ten bucks on a friday night. However, it's far from ready for the screen. There were some problems that should be resolved first. One of the... The headline seems to sum up the concept of the screenplay for me, and it works well. I know it's probably not a parrallel you were working toward, but it's just the way it struck me. Very interesting concept, definately worth my ten bucks on a friday night.
  
  However, it's far from ready for the screen. There were some problems that should be resolved first. One of the main ones was that the dialog just didn't seem to flow well. Much of the terminology was bulky, and what wasn't was apparently some form of jargon I'm not familiar with (people ending sentences with 'hand'?). Also, it feels pretty slow moving to begin with, but I really don't see a way around that since it's pretty key backstory.
  
  In your descriptions, you have some unfilmables that really shouldn't be there. Things like on page 17 (RTF version) where it says 'But Ram has no time for exotic diversions.', and page 83 where it says "Could it be the one that Ram gave her 'for emergencies only?'". They can't be filmed so they don't need to be here.
  
  Also, the scene on page 105 (RTF version once again) seems pretty pointless to me. It doesn't really seem to be doing anything, and probably could go away very easily.
  
  The story is very good, and the characters are very believable. Joe is likable while the bad guys aren't. All in all, a great story. I really enjoyed reading this! I look forward to any rewrites. read