Reviews of Her Two Diegos 9

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  You know sometimes life is good?
  A review of Her Two Diegos
  by dj152 on 07/19/2005
  I liked this script. I got into it largely because, it allowed me to be a part of a different culture for a couple of hours. Two cultures I know well, are 1) the dull London existence I live in now, and 2) the typical Hollywood culture as portrayed in films and in screenplays on here. Yours was a bit different- and it's good that you were able to achieve that. It all flows... I liked this script. I got into it largely because, it allowed me to be a part of a different culture for a couple of hours. Two cultures I know well, are 1) the dull London existence I live in now, and 2) the typical Hollywood culture as portrayed in films and in screenplays on here. Yours was a bit different- and it's good that you were able to achieve that.
  
  It all flows very well, you have a good grasp of what your story is and it develops with perfect pacing- you know what your plot points are and you do well to show them at the right moments.
  
  I would have liked you to develop the characters a little more. It's good that you didn't have any sentimental moments, and nothing was too predictable but I do feel we could have got to know them a little better.. every single line of dialogue was directly used to forward the storyline. Of course, that is the point- but, y'know.. it makes them all sound the same and none of the characters come across as particularly individual.. you could swap Keith's dialogue with Diegos and it wouldn't be out of place. So for me, that's one of the major things I'd have you do if you were to redraft- I'd develop them more- cause in this draft they all speak the same, all have the same sense of humour etc.
  
  I don't like your characters talking to themselves! This seems to be an important thing to you, and maybe something you like as a writer- but I DON'T think it works, it's very out of place, and I'd be pretty sure it would not work well on screen. Prime examples being on p28 and p53.
  
  Despite it being generally very good throughout- I had some problems toward the end.
  
  "Don't worry. That's no dead man. That's a lying son of a bitch. Get him before he gets away!"
  
  haha, please change that! That's the most trite, cliche bit of writing in the history of Triggerstreet!!! And whilst you might like having a throwback to 'Die Hard' type dialogue- you may find it is at that exact moment when your audience says "what the fuck? no way!" and then they lose all faith in the reality of your screenplay/film. So bare that in mind, and strongly consider reworking the dodgy dialogue!
  
  p. 90 - Diego talking to himself. No no no.
  
  I think that, as writers- there are things we want to say. For example, many short screenplays I've written have had characters directly talking to the camera. And I do this because I'm not clever enough to embed the points in the rest of the film, so I sell out. And similarly a lot of people do that with voice-overs. And I think you do that here too, with the characters talking to themselves- it's unnatural, unrealistic and after the second or third time it'll really piss off your audience.
  
  I like how you wrap up Keith and Elena's story. And the message at the end is an okay enough way to end it, I guess- although i'd keep your head spinning on thinking of a more satisfying ending (I'm all out of ideas, and there's nothing wrong with how it is, I'd just consider that it could end in a stronger way, I think)
  
  But overall, well done; it's a good story and it's structured brilliantly.
  
  Dan read
• 
  Two Diegos Review
  A review of Her Two Diegos
  by kenpro2 on 07/19/2005
  I liked the initial idea of one man selling his identity and the second getting mixed up in his troubles. The story turned sour very quickly when the real Diego turned up too quickly. There was no suspense. Everything was laid out for us from the moment he showed up. I would have liked "Gringo" to get mixed up in Diego's problems while trying to escape, or correct, his own... I liked the initial idea of one man selling his identity and the second getting mixed up in his troubles. The story turned sour very quickly when the real Diego turned up too quickly. There was no suspense. Everything was laid out for us from the moment he showed up. I would have liked "Gringo" to get mixed up in Diego's problems while trying to escape, or correct, his own. Instead, he chases Elana, who complains that she doesn't want to be around either but she is in every scene. What gives?
  
  The dialogue is way to precise. Everyone says exactly what they mean. Plus, there's way too much of it and not much action going on. The horse races are the most exciting part of the SP.
  
  Parentheticals should be used only to express an emotion, not actions. Most actors hate them. They want to "feel" the part. Try to limit how many you use.
  
  The plot has many weaknesses. On page 10, Keith blows his cover to a woman he just met. He's way too eager to reveal his situation. He should have kept it from her a while longer.
  
  The FBI scene is totally unbelievable. The bank puts a hold on an account just with a simple phone call. What would work better is to have the agent say, "I can take care of that" then cut to a new scene.
  
  On page 70, at the funeral, Elana introduces herself to Carmen as a business associate but earlier, Elana was complaining to Diego that his wife found her number and called her so obviously Carmen should have known who she was.
  
  Most of the online racing lingo was unnecessary. We know that they are betting online. How it works is more for the tekkies.
  
  The formatting needs a lot of work. Whenever a character moves to a new set, we need a new slug line. On page 6, for example, Keith goes from the outside of his apt, inside his apt lobby, to his apt, then back outside. This would require 4 sluglines but you have only 1.
  
  One final note. All screenplays submitted to Triggerstreet are required to have a minimum of 90 pages. If properly formatted, yours comes to roughly 75. Some of the other trigger watchdogs may have a problem with this and report it to the Hall of Justice. Just something to be aware of.
  
  Good idea, lackluster execution. Best of luck on the rewrite. read
• 
  O Dios Mio!
  A review of Her Two Diegos
  by David Muhlfelder on 07/16/2005
  In order for a screenplay to work, the story needs to be driven by characters who have clear desires and goals that they pursue. Along the way they have to confront real obstacles that they must overcome, and that sometimes alter their goals. The problem with this script is that it is filled with one dimensional characters who are shoehorned into contrived situations. They... In order for a screenplay to work, the story needs to be driven by characters who have clear desires and goals that they pursue. Along the way they have to confront real obstacles that they must overcome, and that sometimes alter their goals. The problem with this script is that it is filled with one dimensional characters who are shoehorned into contrived situations. They feel more like chess pieces that you are moving around to suit various pre-established plot points. The dialogue is wooden and on the nose. Most of it consists of characters explaining things to each other about the story or themselves for the benefit of the reader/audience. And when they're not explaining things to each other, they're talking to the mirror. It all becomes very repetitive and very tedious. Real people don't talk like this, and real people don't act like this. If Diego believes he is truly in danger, why would he risk his life by hanging out at his apartment? What is his plan to make himself safe? What is Keith planning to do with the money in the company account prior to learning about the horse racing scam? How did the Morroccans know who he was or where to find him? How could they mistakenly deposit the money in the wrong account without realizing it for so long? Why does Elena agree so readily to meet Keith after work if she thinks he may have something to Diego's disappearance? Problems arise and are almost instantly talked away. I'm not a huge Syd Field fan, but he did say something that applies here. "Action is character. A character is what he does, not what he says." Here the characters just say who they are and what they are going to do, or have done. I think you need to start from scratch. Ask yourself who are Keith, Elena and Diego? What do they want? How are they going to get it, and what are the obstacles? You have the basic ingredients, but as is, I never felt like these were real people in real life or death situations. Keep trying. read
• 
  Your Two Genres
  A review of Her Two Diegos
  by miriamp on 07/07/2005
  I would have to classify this as a low-key, character-driven thriller. That's an interesting combination of genres. What's even more interesting is that the plot device that drives the thriller was called the "MacGuffin" by Alfred Hitchcock, which is almost Keith's real last name. Was that deliberate? The opening dialogue between Keith and Harley about why an alias is needed... I would have to classify this as a low-key, character-driven thriller. That's an interesting combination of genres. What's even more interesting is that the plot device that drives the thriller was called the "MacGuffin" by Alfred Hitchcock, which is almost Keith's real last name. Was that deliberate?
  
  The opening dialogue between Keith and Harley about why an alias is needed is too expositional. Action moves screenplays forward. Since the plot twist of the Moroccans becomes important later, I suggest that you show this as an action scene and use it to start the story. There are many opportunities for more action and less static talking in this story and I think you should take advantage of them.
  
  Keith's attraction for Elena is very low-key. You mainly handle it in parenthetical acting directions, which you really use too much and should delete. I think you should try adding it as subtext to their dialogue, which would heat things up quite a bit.
  
  Keep an eye on where your characters are. You give us an EXT scene heading when Keith is about to enter Diego's apartment, then move us to an INT shot without changing the scene heading, then Elena shows up and you move us back outside and down the street to a completely different location, again without a new scene heading. Scenes inside cars are usually INT shots, but can be INT/EXT. The car is outside in the street, but the characters are inside the car.
  
  Don't use present progressive tense. Use present tense as much as possible.
  
  I'm always partial to anything that involves the Hispanic culture that is so much a part of our lives now, and you obviously have a lot of familiarity with it. I really enjoyed the Naranjero joke, but I don't know that you needed to explain it by having Keith ask about it. He knows a little Spanish. He probably can guess what Naranjero means. I did. I also wondered if perhaps Elena would have actually said that Catrina just turned fifteen. Wouldn't she have been more likely to say that Catrina recently celebrated her quinceanera?
  
  I would like to see more menace on Diego's part towards Keith, and I'd like to see Keith really scared, not just nervous, about what Diego might do to him. If you've seen The Girl Next Door, I visualize Diego's menace building over the course of the second act, just like the Kelly character played by Timothy Olyphant.
  
  Having a character talk to himself or think to himself with a voice over is not really a good device, but in this case it's nearly right. I think if you cut it back a bit and don't rely on it so much, it will have more impact when you do use it.
  
  A lot of your dialogue was very "on-the-nose." Your characters brought the issues right to the table without any of the dancing around that you normally see. Like I said, adding a subtext to Keith's dialogue with Elena could spice things up: turn it from cream cheese into salsa piquante.
  
  You've got a very good start with this. I'm looking forward to seeing you take it somewhere. read
• 
  good potential concept
  A review of Her Two Diegos
  by bthielke on 07/03/2005
  This was a sp that set up a potentially good concept but didn't quite deliver. Here are some observations I hope you find useful Character- As a protagonist Keith needs to have some type of arc. He also needs more backstory, show him getting the money from account mistake. Instead, it is covered in a conversation with harley. He was awfully proactive in that he assummed... This was a sp that set up a potentially good concept but didn't quite deliver. Here are some observations I hope you find useful
  
  Character- As a protagonist Keith needs to have some type of arc. He also needs more backstory, show him getting the money from account mistake. Instead, it is covered in a conversation with harley. He was awfully proactive in that he assummed a new identity before he had any trouble and he gave the money back right away and fessed up to the FBI. You took away all your conflict when you did that. Diego is actually a relcutant buddy, definitely not an antagonist. I think this would be better if Keith had to change his name because the morroccans were definitely after him (show a close call), that diego is a 2-bit con or something that's drawn into a big scam with Keith. They are both in way over their heads and bumble and stumble their way through it. Just a suggestion. However, the story as is has precious little action and conflict.
  
  Your dialogue is far to expositional, you are using your dialogue to explain backstory, emotions, etc. You have to visually show this. Like I said previously, this concept has potential, but you need to rethink the story to provide more conflict and excitement.
  
  Thanks for putting it out there and good luck. read
• 
  Her Two Diegos Review
  A review of Her Two Diegos
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 07/02/2005
  I'm just going to come right out and say it upfront: this SP needs a lot of work. Sorry to be so blunt, but sometimes that's the best way. My review here will probably only scrape the surface. In fact, other than my notes down below, I'm only going to mention what I feel are two major issues with the SP. Hopefully other reviewers will be able to cover other aspects. Okay,... I'm just going to come right out and say it upfront: this SP needs a lot of work. Sorry to be so blunt, but sometimes that's the best way. My review here will probably only scrape the surface. In fact, other than my notes down below, I'm only going to mention what I feel are two major issues with the SP. Hopefully other reviewers will be able to cover other aspects. Okay, here goes. I'm still not sure what the main plot is. There are a number of different things happening: Keith's cloudy and confusing earlier scam; a cold and lifeless love triangle; the horse racing scam; Diego's cloudy and confusing money problem; and Diego's marital woes. All those things just swim around in a murky pool of tepid water. Something really needs to stand out and be THE DRIVING FORCE. Personally, I would forget about developing all of Diego's problems and just make him a strong antagonist for Keith to worry about through the story. As it is, you originally set him up that way (blandly), then have the two working together on the horse racing scam with Elena. That's weak. Keith's story needs more conflict, drama and some action. The second major weakness for me is the love triangle. You give us nothing, really. For instance, when Keith is going to re-dye his hair back to normal, and Elena tells him she could do better, why not show her doing better? Show her rubbing Keith's head. Give us some sexual tension with some really good subtext in the dialogue. You don't do anything like that. What you do is jump from Elena's comment to later when they're sitting in the apartment and Keith's hair has been re-dyed. I was really upset at that missed opportunity. And by missing these things, there are no sparks between Keith and Elena. And there doesn't seem to be any real animosity between Diego and Keith over Elena. Yes, Diego whines and complains to Elena about Keith (that gringo) when he's not around. But where's the conflict? Diego needs to get in Keith's face and threaten him. Make us care about your story. For a really good example of the right way to handle this type of thing, watch A Fish Called Wanda.
  Anyway, those are my two major issues. Here are my notes as I took them:
  *Pg. 1 - Your first slug is EXT., but your scene takes place inside a car. The same thing basically happens on pg. 5.
  *Pg. 7 - Your slug is EXT, but your scene immediately moves inside, without any new slug to indicate so.
  *Way too chatty and not enough action. The beginning is really guilty of this; and then at the beginning, when you do have action, it's in huge blocks. Keep your action/description to four lines max, woven nicely throughout the dialogue to break things up and make an easier read.
  *You don't introduce Marian correctly.
  *Dialogue is too on-the-nose. Give us subtext.
  *Why show the trip to Belize if nothing happens? This is yet another example of a missed opportunity to develop things between Keith and Elena.
  *The scene where Diego is arranging his own funeral is good. But you already know how I feel about getting into Diego's story.
  *Why wouldn't Keith and Elena assume that Diego was faking his death? He's done it once already.
  That's about it. I hope I wasn't too harsh. Good luck. read
• 
  HER TWO DIEGOS
  A review of Her Two Diegos
  by mrwriter on 07/02/2005
  I'm afraid I didn't enjoy your Screenplay. I didn't connect with any of your characters, your story seemed a little to contrived and the actuall outlay of your script was not to a very good standard. Your story was rather basic Keith is running from Morrocan Gangsters due to a slight mishap with accounts and decides to buy a new identity(why not just take the money and get... I'm afraid I didn't enjoy your Screenplay. I didn't connect with any of your characters, your story seemed a little to contrived and the actuall outlay of your script was not to a very good standard.
  
  Your story was rather basic Keith is running from Morrocan Gangsters due to a slight mishap with accounts and decides to buy a new identity(why not just take the money and get the hell out of town?), Diego is running from... His wife? Other gangsters? we never really find out and then there's Elena who doesn't really trust men but decides to team up with her ex-boyfriend who is actually married and the man that is pretending to be her ex-boyfriend.
  
  I just couldn't accept the fact that these three people would be able to be in the same room with one another never mind decide to do the racing scam together. I also found it improbable that the F.B.I Agents found the Morrocan gangsters so quickly and so easily, Keith told the agent, we never heard from him again and then suddenly we see him arresting the Morrocan's at the end( I assume this was to show the audience that Keith was no longer in danger).
  
  Various times throughout you have your characters talking to themselves via mirrors, I found this very unusual, film is a visual medium and the writer should concentrate on showing the characters feelings in a physical sense through movement and expression.
  
  In pages 93/94 Keith only has to look in the mirror and say She thinks you are like Diego, The womaniser Diego and give himself a confident smile, the audience would understand exactly what he is implying. The same with Elena when she is applying her lipstick, she just has to say to herself the word No and then gently grin. This way the reader sees there emotions not hears there words.
  
  The outlay of your script could have been better, for instance when a character moves from an EXT. to an INT. this should be shown in the script. This didn't occur when Diego was going from the Street into the shops.
  
  You should invest in a scriptwriting software such as Finaldraft, this would allow you to conentrate on your story and character and not have to worry about your script outlay. read
• 
  Her Two Diegos
  A review of Her Two Diegos
  by shedenbo on 07/01/2005
  The logline suggests a good premise for a story, and there are hints at developing the concept, but this largely fails to engage. There is too little here to give us much reason to like, dislike, trust, or distrust Keith. We don't see any of the 'trouble' he's in, we don't see how he reacts, we don't get to see him actually DO anything. Likewise Elena. She's empty. Diego has... The logline suggests a good premise for a story, and there are hints at developing the concept, but this largely fails to engage.
  
  There is too little here to give us much reason to like, dislike, trust, or distrust Keith. We don't see any of the 'trouble' he's in, we don't see how he reacts, we don't get to see him actually DO anything. Likewise Elena. She's empty. Diego has the most character, and even he's sketchy. There's just nothing to hang on to here.
  
  The setup isn't at all believable. Some nebulous money troubles; unseen (until the end) gangsters; a nondescript friend who doesn't figure into the story until Keith needs a warning by phone.; and a move into an apartment with nobody catching on. Then, Elena shows up, and the two fall in much too quickly. On top of that, Diego just happens to be listening. Just like that, they're a trio. Not a line of it is the least bit realistic.
  
  If the setup doesn't work, it's hard to accept the rest. And it just doesn't get better. Why didn't Keith leave town? Why was no one else loking for him? Why is Elena's family so clueless? What exactly is Diego hiding from? How do you just walk in to an FBI office and settle things with a phone call? How do you fake a death by going to the funeral director and having him call some people? Why does someone have a separate apartment away from his wife? None of this is acceptable as plot development.
  
  Nearly all of the story, such as it is, is told through dialogue, and the dialogue is just not up to par. There are some clever throwaway lines, but they are few and far between. Everyone speaks in exposition, as if in a soap opera where all the characters give a rundown on what's happened in the last few episodes in case the viewer missed a show. There is ample opportunity for the tension and conflict that should drive a story: Keith and the gangsters; Keith and Elena; Diego and Elena; Elena and Diego's wife. But it never materializes. They all just talk, plan together, forgive and forget. The FBI gets called in at the last minute, and even that's all talk and an anti-climax of a resolution. All talk, no action. Think visual.
  
  Another problem is that the story hinges too much on a scheme that is, again, unbelievable, but also very passive. The three characters get to sit in front of computers and transfer money. No visual lead-up, passive 'action,' and an inconsequential resolution. Not engaging.
  
  Each of your characters has to have a goal, tangible challenges, and consequences, and we need to SEE them go through this, not watch them talk their way through. The storyline has to be original and thought-provoking, yet based enough in reality that it allows us to suspend disbelief. There are certain marks that have to be hit in any well-structured story, and these should be subconsciously Big Moments -- ones that push, twist, elevate, and then resolve the plot. Look through your script. Can you identify these moments? I can't.
  
  From a format standpoint, there are a few problems. You miss some sluglines when characters move from one room to another, or from inside to outside. Some Character lines are off. You opened up using parentheticals as Action, but that got better. Several Action passages are much too long and should be broken into 4-to-5-line paragraphs. Pay attention to character introductions. There are also a few typo's.
  
  Stay with the concept; it's a good one. But it needs more character development through action, much less expository dialogue, and a better delineated story arc. Good luck with it. read
• 
  htd
  A review of Her Two Diegos
  by rgdet on 06/29/2005
  my feedback is that the second half was good but the first half was very dull and seemed contrived. your vision is to have these characters kieth and elena establish themselves as dumb. and they admit it. ok. but kieth is just going to include elena in on the scam and give her 10, 000 and more if she needs it. and then without conflict debate blackmail immediately include... my feedback is that the second half was good but the first half was very dull and seemed contrived. your vision is to have these characters kieth and elena establish themselves as dumb. and they admit it. ok. but kieth is just going to include elena in on the scam and give her 10, 000 and more if she needs it. and then without conflict debate blackmail immediately include diego. at the end youhave them say that everybody is a criminal, we all do it. most people find that premise insulting. it seems to be the premice of your story. page 84 you couldn't let him get away it - sb with it. read