Reviews of Hidden Agendas (Rev 1) 25

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  Script cuts off on page 96: No Ending
  A review of Hidden Agendas (Rev 1)
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 07/10/2012
  This assignment became difficult for me to rate because the story cuts off unexpectedly on page 96. The dilemma is that this submission should be replaced with a new submission with a proper resolution, but I believe all of the scripts elements otherwise are good. It is also a featured submission, and I can't understand how that happened considering there is no ending - leaving... This assignment became difficult for me to rate because the story cuts off unexpectedly on page 96. The dilemma is that this submission should be replaced with a new submission with a proper resolution, but I believe all of the scripts elements otherwise are good. It is also a featured submission, and I can't understand how that happened considering there is no ending - leaving the reader dumbstruck.
  
  That said, here are my thoughts:
  
  Aeroplane threw me off, I pictured an old small plane. As I read on it became a commercial passenger jet (I think). If so, I would introduce the element as a passenger jet or whatever you can do to make it clear to the reader. Page 8: I'm a fan of spartan writing, but I think your location descriptions are a bit too thin. BRIGG'S HOUSE - "An ordinary house on a modern housing estate." It's indistinct. Uncertain what to picture. Not suggesting a lot of description which only serves to bog down the story, just a bit more visual like: "A working class neighborhood. A run-down bungalow sits far back on its lot."
  
  Bottom of page 12: you have a slug line followed by dialogue without showing the reader who is in the scene. There should be at least something like this, "Barney and Ray walk down the corridor."
  
  Solid sequences, I like this: Barney, "Can you handle a gun?" Followed by EXT. FIELD -DAY and the shotgun and the gerbils. Your dialogue works really well, it's great, humorous, and either moves the story forward or reveals character. Good stuff! A pleasure to read.
  
  Page 24: I have an issue with Briggs and Barney: their names are too similar for me to separate. Consider changing Briggs name to Hackett -- another name without beginning with B. Your sp looks like it was written using Final Draft or Screenwriter 6 software so it's an easy fix to change a character's name throughout the entire sp with one click.
  
  Page 26: Show the reader the characters who are in The Panther's Office scene before the dialogue begins. IMO, screenwriters should follow this simple rule for clarity in the readers mind; following a new scene or slug line, write this: where are we, who's there, and what are they doing, then begin the dialogue.
  
  Solid structure in this script with the "bank job" offered to Ray on page 30 or so. Freddie, "Look daddy, a sheep!" LOL.
  
  Page 34 or 35: awesome dialogue! Page 39: EXT. POLICE STATION - DAY is followed by no description.
  
  Page 40 and throughout: in dialogue -- use a comma when one character addresses another character. "Very good sir." should read, Very good, sir. Example, "How would I know Bill." Saying he doesn't know Bill. "How would I know, Bill."
  
  Page 41: this script is insane - in a good way. You have a hell of an imagination.
  
  Page 46: Some of The Panther's dialogue landed in an action line, "Good, go home, get a good night's sleep..." wound up in an action line.
  
  Page 48: I think you missed an opportunity for a hilarious chase between the cops and the animal thieves. Rounding corners, bursting through coffee shops, tripping people... show how hard it was for the animals to outsmart the cops and breakaway.
  
  Page 52: Barney dialogue, "You could have point here." have (a) point here.
  
  Page 96: the script is cut off in mid dialogue before the story is resolved: no ending. I was very disappointed to read 96 pages of a script only to be startled by it being cut off. How was this a featured submission? I went back and downloaded it three times to see if it was a glitch on my end.
  
  This is how the script ends on the middle of page 96:
  
  BARNEY
  
  "I saw you shoot people, that's true
  
  but I didn't make sure they were dead.
  
  How do I know there are real bullets
  
  in your gun?"
  
  RAY
  
  "Barney, for fuck's sake, where did
  
  this come from?" read
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  Animal Antics
  A review of Hidden Agendas (Rev 1)
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 12/10/2004
  Spoilers included! This type of broad comedy is often hard to evaluate on paper, but Hidden Agendas is well written and is built on the strong foundation of the fight for Ray's cosmic placing. The battle between Barney and Hippo should be more visible -- more conflict is always better. If the agendas were revealed earlier, there would be more opportunity to enjoy the battle... Spoilers included! This type of broad comedy is often hard to evaluate on paper, but Hidden Agendas is well written and is built on the strong foundation of the fight for Ray's cosmic placing. The battle between Barney and Hippo should be more visible -- more conflict is always better. If the agendas were revealed earlier, there would be more opportunity to enjoy the battle. The interplay between all the "animals" should go farther in revealing the inner tensions and potential conflicts and hidden motivations between the characters. Maybe it is just me, but there can never be too much paranoia and suspicion among movie thieves. More character development is always better particularly among the minor players. This screenplay is off to a great start. read
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  Well-written, a abit inconsistent
  A review of Hidden Agendas (Rev 1)
  by kentmur on 12/08/2004
  Part Reservoir Dogs, part Ferris Bueller's (sp?) Day Off, Part Grosse Point Blank, I kept being torn between comedy and black comedy and farce. Exremely well-written, this screenplay grabbed me from the start. The characters are sharp (although a bit cliche), the dialog and action are crisp and fun. My concerns: There was a lot of fluff in the beginning setting up Ray's... Part Reservoir Dogs, part Ferris Bueller's (sp?) Day Off, Part Grosse Point Blank, I kept being torn between comedy and black comedy and farce. Exremely well-written, this screenplay grabbed me from the start. The characters are sharp (although a bit cliche), the dialog and action are crisp and fun. My concerns: There was a lot of fluff in the beginning setting up Ray's character -- and not enough setting up his relationship (or need for one) with the Panther. When that scene got weird he would have walked away because he wasn't desperate enough. The extraneous killing of people like the Panther takes the film in a Reservoir Dogs direction while Ray's Ferrris-like, to-the-camera comments take it in another. That's fine,but the over the top silly police antics take it away from black comedy and into Jim Carey Pet Detective land. Silly action and gruesome death don't work for me. Comedy and gruesome death do. The relationship with Emilia needed more substance, or less substance. The way it's written, it's trying to be believeable, but it's not, quite. The whole God/Devil thing seemed like a Sat. Nite Live skit with the devil and an angel on two shoulders. Overall very entertaining -- just needs a few tweaks. read
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  Monty Python's Dog Day Afternoon
  A review of Hidden Agendas (Rev 1)
  by David Muhlfelder on 12/04/2004
  This was a very funny take on the much overused crime caper movie. Ray was a great protagonist, and you did a great job of exposing his redeemable human side early on. I think it would be more effective if you cut to his getting released from jail after he assaults the first class passenger. We can assume he would be fired for that. The whole script maintains a believability... This was a very funny take on the much overused crime caper movie. Ray was a great protagonist, and you did a great job of exposing his redeemable human side early on. I think it would be more effective if you cut to his getting released from jail after he assaults the first class passenger. We can assume he would be fired for that. The whole script maintains a believability withn the context you create. I understood what you were going for with Freddy, but I think describing him as "dressed like a paedophile" was incorrect. A paedophile is a child molester. His behavior indicates that he's an infantilist. Small point, but it took me out of the story for a bit. While the dialogue is very good for the most part, it has a tendency to go round in circles, especially in the scenes right after the robbery. A little tightening throughout would kick this very good script up to another level. But my hat is off to you. You have a wonderfully skewed view of humanity. Best of luck. read
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  Hidden Agendas
  A review of Hidden Agendas (Rev 1)
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 12/03/2004
  Hidden Agendas was a bizarre look into the world of a man on the path of change. I felt the author, Barron, could have spent more effort towards the realism of situations. For instance, early in the script, con-artist Ray Carter, posing as a real estate agent, is selling 'an ordinary house on a modern housing estate (originally belonging to Shakespeare), to an elderly lady... Hidden Agendas was a bizarre look into the world of a man on the path of change. I felt the author, Barron, could have spent more effort towards the realism of situations. For instance, early in the script, con-artist Ray Carter, posing as a real estate agent, is selling 'an ordinary house on a modern housing estate (originally belonging to Shakespeare), to an elderly lady. She questioned his claim by saying, "It doesn't look very old." But is simply persuaded to purchase the home for one point eight million at his response, "It's just well preserved." It's possible this lady could have been insane much like most of the characters in this story. Know if you read this screenplay, it's pretty strange. The author is blatant about this in his synopsis as he also listed this in a comedy genre, which indeed at times, made me laugh. Expect flying, exploding gerbils, Vaseline-caked idiots, grown-ups loaded in animal costumes and true love all in the threads of good and evil. Though bizarre, I do, however, give a lot of credit to Barron for being cohesive. I like the contrast of Ray's first scene, servant, and last, being served with the wonder of something more to come...I hope it's not a sequel. read
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  Starts with a bang, ends with a whimper
  A review of Hidden Agendas (Rev 1)
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 12/02/2004
  Rather funny, but as the screenplay progresses it deteriorates. I blame the disappearence of Ray's voice overs. The worst part about this screenplay is The Pather's son. He ends up being irritating and mostly pointless. I suppose that you could argue that he does play a role in moving the plot along, but in the end I believe that the screenplay could survive without... Rather funny, but as the screenplay progresses it deteriorates. I blame the disappearence of Ray's voice overs. The worst part about this screenplay is The Pather's son. He ends up being irritating and mostly pointless. I suppose that you could argue that he does play a role in moving the plot along, but in the end I believe that the screenplay could survive without him. All in all, I would still say that this is hands down the best screenplay I've read. read
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  Animal costumes and biblical creatures - oh my!
  A review of Hidden Agendas (Rev 1)
  by rwrtr on 11/30/2004
  My immediate impression upon completing this a couple of days ago was that it was silly. But it stayed with me, and the more I thought about it, I began to appreciate it. It's funny and goofy in a good way.What bothered me was that it was far too outlandish in may respects, even for something so off the wall. (As in the "Princess" and "brother" scene.) I don't write funny,... My immediate impression upon completing this a couple of days ago was that it was silly. But it stayed with me, and the more I thought about it, I began to appreciate it. It's funny and goofy in a good way.What bothered me was that it was far too outlandish in may respects, even for something so off the wall. (As in the "Princess" and "brother" scene.) I don't write funny, but I hear that some of the funniest works are played straight. With a measure of believability, the outlandish stuff will swing around and surprise you even more.There also appeared to be major leaps in logic -- like how the cop knew who Ray was and how to find him even if he'd never seen him before the house incident. Again, believability helps.Liked the good vs evil theme, but missed it till the very end. Perhaps I didn't read it carefully? I wonder if we should see the game players a few more times? Just to intrigue us more.And what was the location?I think with more re-writes, you could have a real winner. It's funny, has a surprise ending and there are characters that are out of this world. Congrats on completing the script and keep writing! read
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  WEIRDER, & WEIRDER-ER
  A review of Hidden Agendas (Rev 1)
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 11/20/2004
  This would make a funny ass, absurdist, Theatre piece. The venues are tight and workable, however, for screen it seems a bit overreaching. The opening is entertaining, and clever, the way you merge it into the ending, but it is quite confusing, perhaps this is your intention, it reads like a Flashback when were at the Freeze Frame; Introduction to Barney, and subsequently,... This would make a funny ass, absurdist, Theatre piece. The venues are tight and workable, however, for screen it seems a bit overreaching. The opening is entertaining, and clever, the way you merge it into the ending, but it is quite confusing, perhaps this is your intention, it reads like a Flashback when were at the Freeze Frame; Introduction to Barney, and subsequently, to Briggs, but isn't labeled as such. The Dialogue is over the top, but it does play well, to the ridiculousness of the story, and plot. The script moves along, and has a rythym all to itself. I imagine this could be the quirkiest Script I might ever read. It could be done on a modest budget, and could turn out to be quite funny, with the proper Editing, and Cast. wonder if it could find an Audience in the U.S. It's a wild piece! Good Luck with all of your writing. read
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  critter crime
  A review of Hidden Agendas (Rev 1)
  by bmadyun on 11/20/2004
  The old man vs. young man playing the board game is an interesting concept. I feel it would make the story stronger if they had been featured on a continuous basis throughout the story. I also think letting the "viewer" have a glimpse of the true identities of the Rat and Hippo earlier would give a clearer picture of them than of two cold blooded killers engaging in the habit... The old man vs. young man playing the board game is an interesting concept. I feel it would make the story stronger if they had been featured on a continuous basis throughout the story. I also think letting the "viewer" have a glimpse of the true identities of the Rat and Hippo earlier would give a clearer picture of them than of two cold blooded killers engaging in the habit for sport and self entertainment. There are absolutely no redeeming qualities to any of the characters. Even the devil can appear charming when desired. The story was heavy on the characters on the devil's side. A couple of "good" characters would have provided a better balance. The triple and quadruple spacing was distracting. You could tighten up those spacings and still have a full script. read
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  Hidden Agendas, obvious talent.
  A review of Hidden Agendas (Rev 1)
  by Curmudgeon on 11/12/2004
  Some witty dialogue in an amazingly twisted story. It may be wide of the mark, but there's an assumption that this is a piece by a gifted, YOUNG writer. That the playwrite has real ability is obvious, but... the plot leaves the reader gasping. (If not retching, in places.) For humor's sake, innocents are brutalized and have their heads blown off, the beautiful heroine finds... Some witty dialogue in an amazingly twisted story. It may be wide of the mark, but there's an assumption that this is a piece by a gifted, YOUNG writer. That the playwrite has real ability is obvious, but... the plot leaves the reader gasping. (If not retching, in places.) For humor's sake, innocents are brutalized and have their heads blown off, the beautiful heroine finds murder exciting and readily switches allegiance, while the constant flashbacks keep the reader desperately trying to remember where they are in the story.All crowned by a remarkable conclusion featuring an angel hippo, demonic Barney and leading back to a Heavenly boardroom. Talent and imagination deserve a better vehicle. read