An American in Oman uncovers a mysterious fertility cult in the village where he teaches. Already laid low by loneliness... more
HOW IT RATES
After his mother’s sudden death, an autistic sociopath gives in to his primal urge to kill, seeking guidance from an enthusiastic murderer he meets on the street.
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Reviews of i WanT tO kiLL 16
by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 09/24/2009"i WanT tO kiLL" is an engaging story about a young man's unsuccessful attempts at killing, and his eventual metamorphosis. The pacing in excellent, it gradually builds up steam as you turn the page. It's a funny, nasty, script that's hard to put down. Chris Simons does a great job of getting the reader to root for Ned, a simple-minded half-wit trying to find his way in... "i WanT tO kiLL" is an engaging story about a young man's unsuccessful attempts at killing, and his eventual metamorphosis. The pacing in excellent, it gradually builds up steam as you turn the page. It's a funny, nasty, script that's hard to put down.
Chris Simons does a great job of getting the reader to root for Ned, a simple-minded half-wit trying to find his way in the world. I found myself sympathetic to Ned's plight & couldn't wait for him to complete his transformation, which, in some ways, is actually quite disturbing. The characters around him, and the world he lives in, is disgusting. Ned & the Teenager he befriends are the only characters with any redeeming qualities.
The foreshadowing with the lighter fluid, Harry's jacket, the shades, & the motorcycle are great little details that flesh out characters & the story. It adds depth & that helps the script stand out from typical black comedies. Nice work!
The script is heavy with voice over but it serves the story well. I did catch a few minor pieces of dialogue that could use some editing.
Here are some things to look at:
On pg. 9, "There's a lot of anger inside of me" is unnecessary IMHO. It's obvious by Ned is full of repressed rage when he smashes the picture, lights everything on fire, & flicks the roach away.
On pg. 19, "This shall be fun, Ned" doesn't fit the syntax IMO. Consider "This'LL be fun...".
On pg. 85 "I removed your bullets" sounds odd as well, a simple "I TOOK OUT..." sounds more natural.
Also, I noticed that you didn't put CONT'D when the same character spoke over descriptions & action. Again, a minor detail, but something to look at.
Overall, great job!
by Fact 51 on 09/21/2009This is a screenplay that is full of interesting, original moments and some genuinely funny elements of dark humor, but ultimately it becomes bogged down by too obvious dialogue (stating past action, setting up events, etc) and too loose plot structure. Also, the main character changes inexplicably near the end, something that would much more satisfying if we could rationalize... This is a screenplay that is full of interesting, original moments and some genuinely funny elements of dark humor, but ultimately it becomes bogged down by too obvious dialogue (stating past action, setting up events, etc) and too loose plot structure. Also, the main character changes inexplicably near the end, something that would much more satisfying if we could rationalize this change. More detailed thoughts on the dialogue and plotting are covered in the reading notes. This seemed to me like a rough draft (perhaps it is), I think a few more passes, making all the elements tighter and leaner, will improve matters greatly.
24- I have a little problem with meeting Harry like this, it seems too forced, or coincidental… I know that the tone so far could be bordering on farce, among other things, but I think there could be more clever, organic ways to introduce this important character that is more relevant to the actual story… Also, I strongly recommend Harry show up sooner in the story, maybe around page 12, since this is really what the story is about so you don’t want to wait too long…
30- I think the conversation between Ned and Harry ending on this page is a little too long, and most of the dialogue is too on the nose… I would go back and trim it down, and try to not have the characters be so up front about everything-- it’s not a good idea to have characters tell us what they’re going to do, or want to do-- it’s always better if we just see it…
34- During the tour of the house, Harry’s dialogue guides us along, but too much so; his lines at the end of scenes, such as, “now show me where you sleep” (and then in the next scene we see Ned’s room) serve as unnecessary introductions which are ultimately detrimental to the overall reading experience in that they lead the audience by the hand and eliminate the possibility of surprise, which is always a good thing, even on such a small scale…
46- I’m afraid the shooting sequence is too lackluster… reading, or even watching, people at target practice is not too interesting…
47- the dialogue and action here on this entire page is very commonplace; I would cut it or find a way to spice it up a bit…
56- we spent a lot of pages in and around the supermarket but the pace was too leisurely, too low-key… I feel like at this point things should be heating up more, either in terms of story, or flat out comedy… I’m having trouble with the tone… on paper at least it seems like there’s not enough comedy for this to fall in that category…
59- audiences need to think a little bit for themselves, it keeps them interested… so it’s important to leave out line like Ned saying it was a “fun day”-- it should be enough just to see him smile and we can surmise that he’s happy or had fun… and if we’re wrong, well, no harm done…
61- I’m starting to get a grasp of why the overall tone is bothering me… here it’s obvious that the potential for flat out comedy lies in Ned’s character… but the problem (in my opinion) is with Harry’s character-- more often then not he ends up watering down this potential for comedy with his own “voice of reason”, which I believe counter-balances Ned’s “voice of unreason” so much so that the end result is flat… I think maybe having Harry’s character just as crazy as Ned’s, or at least close to it, would make the scenes come alive more…
66- I thought the entire scene where they talk about what they’re going to do with the sister was unnecessary… in the interest of keeping the plot moving I would cut it…
74- it seemed strange, considering the circumstances, that they would make such a big deal about the phone ringing…
81- at least nobody can say she didn’t have it coming…
84- I was hoping that Selena would be harsh right up until the end, thus making her killing somewhat satisfying… also, Harry’s line regarding the “two shotgun blasts to the head” is an example of character’s stating the obvious, a line like that is more appropriate for a radio show. In a screenplay, you can skip that part and go straight to Harry regarding the remains of the head and saying something about “overkill”, or even skip that part too and just say, “Damn, Ned”… etc, anyway, point being-- less is more…
85- Ned’s character has changed in these last ten or so pages, but I don’t see how this has happened… suddenly he’s not so impaired anymore…
89- the ending seems a little out of the blue… as if this were a fairytale of some sort… perhaps it is a fairytale… read
by muis on 09/21/2009I liked this screenplay a lot. You did a good job setting up his story. I especially like Selena's remark at the beginning about Ned not burning down the house by accident - and eventually Ned disposing of his former life by burning it down on purpose. The dialogs were well written. I'm not too sure about the use of character names in the dialogs. Like "Ned, you lazy..." Seems... I liked this screenplay a lot. You did a good job setting up his story. I especially like Selena's remark at the beginning about Ned not burning down the house by accident - and eventually Ned disposing of his former life by burning it down on purpose.
The dialogs were well written. I'm not too sure about the use of character names in the dialogs. Like "Ned, you lazy..." Seems like people don't talk like that in real life. At least, not as excessive as this. Overall they seemed very natural.
The main character reminded me of the TV-series character Dexter; a simple, friendly guy with a lust to kill that was inherited from his mass murdering father. Maybe a little bit one-dimensional (a bit of a nitwit with only one desire: to kill).
He finally holds his sister at gun point while he interrogates her about his father. I feel you haven't done enough with that desire. During the story I didn't realize it was that important to Ned so his "tell me about father"-cries didn't do anything for me.
I did love all the violence. Although the butt rape at the beginning caught me off guard.
by gapoz on 09/19/2009I liked this. It was a fun read. I didn't take any notes regarding the structure, because I never ran across anything that begged comment. From what I know, which isn't terribly much, there seems to be a number of things contested as to what is proper and what isn't. I mean in terms of exactly how you reference an intercut, when a scene heading is mandatory as opposed to a... I liked this. It was a fun read. I didn't take any notes regarding the structure, because I never ran across anything that begged comment. From what I know, which isn't terribly much, there seems to be a number of things contested as to what is proper and what isn't. I mean in terms of exactly how you reference an intercut, when a scene heading is mandatory as opposed to a slug, etc. I'm still too green in these areas to make statements on that type of thing unless they are really distracting or obvious. They weren't.
Another thing I'm not real clear on is the story arc. I can't really find a defining moment with Ned where we go from act 1 to 2 and 2 to 3. These types of things stump me in my own writing, and I sometimes think we get too concerned with trying to make those definitions overly sharp and appearing in the script in specific time frames, etc.
Bottom line here is that I enjoyed the story, found it a quick and fun read, and nothing jumped out at me as a big problem. I'm sorry for that, because I know you would like some advice on improving it, and in that regard I let you down.
The one thing that did kinda make me wonder in a few spots was the seeming changes in Ned's demeanor, but looking back on them, I wonder if they are just do to him being 'slow' but not stupid. Anyway, I had fun reading it. Best of luck. read
by ozones on 09/19/2009Well done for writing a full script. However, the script requires some structual work. For example, the current opening of I WANT TO KILL seems to meander and isn’t quite the grabber. The first thing a script should do is hooking the reader and setting forth the rules of your story. If the opening scene captures the reader’s interest in some unique way, it is called the hook... Well done for writing a full script. However, the script requires some structual work. For example, the current opening of I WANT TO KILL seems to meander and isn’t quite the grabber. The first thing a script should do is hooking the reader and setting forth the rules of your story. If the opening scene captures the reader’s interest in some unique way, it is called the hook. Otherwise, it’s just the opening scene. Examples of opening scenes “THE HOOK”
BODY HEAT, opens with “Flames in the sky”.
In INDEPENDENCE DAY, humongous alien ships appear in the sky, an imminent threat, helicopters are dispatched to make contact – they are blown to smithereens. Now we know; the aliens aren’t friendly.
Every story is different, yet the elements of the primary genres share basic components. ACT 1. (the beginning) ACT 2. (the middle, chain of conflicts) ACT 3 (the conclusion). The script requires a lot of work and is structurally not well developed.
We learn that NED has a hatred for his MOM and SISTER, and we get that in NED'S V.O. dialogue. The issues are never explored by action. to correct this, perhaps showing NED being abused by his MOM, and punished by his younger sister could serve in itself as a stronger reason why he hates them. I am sure you can think of other directions the story can take.
Realize that to be sold to a major studio or Production Company, characters must be intriguing enough to attract the attention and interest of major stars. The story must show such promise that producers, directors, and other creative talent would be willing invest time andmillions of dollars. Personally I feel that this would be a stronger story if things are sorted out in order for the story to be structually sound. read
by tednugent on 09/17/2009The Motor City Madman says...I was very curious about this screenplay because I am the father of an autistic child and wanted to see how the writer dealt with that. As written, I can see the character of Ned maybe suffering from Asbergur's syndrome, but a very mild case. The most notible symptom of autism is the difficulty of communication. Even high function autistics stammer,... The Motor City Madman says...I was very curious about this screenplay because I am the father of an autistic child and wanted to see how the writer dealt with that. As written, I can see the character of Ned maybe suffering from Asbergur's syndrome, but a very mild case. The most notible symptom of autism is the difficulty of communication. Even high function autistics stammer, stutter, repeat themselves over and over, and in many cases cannot create spontaneous communication, parroting what others have said. Ned's character is very in touch with his feelings and his voice overs are too articulate for a man with his disability. Also, most autistics are non violent and comfortable living in their own little worlds because it is hard for them to relate emotionally. An example, I've seen five autistic childred pick out five trucks to play with, then go out the back yard and each child plays by themselves in their own areas. And these children are very high functioning.
My second problem with this script is that it's called I want to kill and nobody dies until p.77. I want carnage man! Blood, guts, violence!
On the mother's death, how fast was the car going? I can see getting injured, but not killed.
I would also recommend getting rid of the narration and replace it with action. I know your goal was a lot of narration but I think it takes away from the script because you could replace it with action. Like when Ned's getting butt raped, we know his butt hurts, we don't need his narrator to know this.
Having him meet a mass murderer out of the blue seems a little unlikly. In fact, without harry, Ned has to figure out how to get out of his own trouble like the second confrontation with Stan. I almost felt cheated when Harry came in to save the day.
You have two montages pretty close together. Not too big a deal, but it might mess with the coninuity of the film.
The mini mart where Ned carries the pistol would probably have a video tape of this happening. That would lead the cops right to his place.
Overall there is a story there. The motivation is a little misplaced. Like if he didn't go after stan with a knife and he raped him anyway, that would make him a victim and would be more motivating to cause him to want to kill. think about taxi driver. DeNiro's motivation drove him crazy, he was nuts, but we all understood where he came from. He was affected by the things that happened to him and took action to make things right (at least in his own mind). read
by Jayberwock on 09/16/2009I actually think this a very good script. It's a quick fast read... It's a strange sort of serial-killer-in-training buddy picture. Part John Waters, part Grindhouse, part MAY. This would be an excellent small indie film with the right director who knew how to make the tone work with it. The hard part will be keeping the spec from getting tossed in the first 15 pages.... I actually think this a very good script. It's a quick fast read... It's a strange sort of serial-killer-in-training buddy picture. Part John Waters, part Grindhouse, part MAY. This would be an excellent small indie film with the right director who knew how to make the tone work with it.
The hard part will be keeping the spec from getting tossed in the first 15 pages. I think you tone down the initial schlocky B-picture trappings and ease the reader/viewer into the whole serial-killer mentor thing slower, that would help things a lot. I'd like Harry to befriend Ned and get to know him a bit before he reveals what he does. Stan needs a little more depth - I know he's the villain but could he be something else? Maybe a neighbor guy Ned's mom fooled around with? He's just too one-dimensional of a gay rapist, as are his cronies. I know this is part schlock so I know you're going for that, but I think you can be more diabolical in the levels the characters display. Harry should be a slower reveal. You need to be more careful with the "we almost kill the tomboy girl" scene...maybe if you played that Harry has absolutely no intention of killing her but wants to see how far Ned will go it could be more of a nailbiting scene than a slapstick one.
Essentially...I think black comedy works in this, but I don't think the characters should *ever* know they're in a comedy. Ned shouldn't run around going "OH MY ANUS HOLE!" If you've seen MAY, you know what I mean. I don't want "Forrest Gump Becomes a Serial Killer". Can we be let in on *why* Ned is slow? If he is actually a "tard" like all the characters keep calling him, I don't buy how cold and slick he becomes at the end.
I think you could even extend the terror of Stan's death a bit. Maybe have Harry just hit them from behind like he's planning originally and chain them up in the living room to extend the torture-kill. They wake up and don't know what's going to happen. Ned argues that he just wants to end it, puts the gun in Stan's mouth, then the phone rings. That makes Selena Stan's first kill, then it can be much more disturbing at the end if he douses them alive with the lighter fluid and flicks his cigarette and walks out of the house.
Just suggestions. This is definitely not a mainstream movie - I hate to give you that review again, but this would definitely have genre fans if you make the characters at least *two* dimensional and adjust up some of the white-trash "yeeehaw I'm a rapist!" sort of scenes.
Reading notes below:
1-5 Like the narration so far. It's not indulgent since you don't start off with an entire page of it right off the bat, and it's punctuating what's onscreen.
Be careful that you make clear what at the beginning is a *bike* and what is a *motorcycle* I was confused a bit at first. It sounds like he's talking about how mom died when he was a kid, but I inferred that he's 35 although childlike. Can you make this explicitly clear, however it works? I'd drop the "present" "past" tags, and via the narration fake out the audience that this is a flashback by contrasting the motorcycle with the bicycle more clearly. Then when Mom gets run over you whip to Ned...and he's 35 in a surprise...this didn't happen long ago.
8. "I am bad." seems like the perfect place to stop the narration, although you said you were going to have it throughout. We'll see if it's necessary.
9. You could skip the VO before and pick up with "I used to think it was all Mother's fault"
12. Selena says "Stupid tard" after she hangs up, I don't know why he responds to it as if she said it to him. I don't know if you're going for stream of consciousness in what we're hearing. It almost seems the VO should say this. NED (VO): I'm not stupid. (He crushes the cockroach.)
13. I think you should drop the VO as he prepares to sell the house...it would be *much* more disturbing to let the audience piece together what's going on.
17 "Your house sucks" I think is a bit too blunt. Ned either needs to show Stan around a bit, perhaps with grand verbiage he might assume a realtor would say, culminating in "What do you think?" "It sucks." ... or just have Stan react more patronizingly since he knows Ned is "special".
You've used "cackles" twice too close to each other.
18 Too awkward "flies buzz around like it's laden with corpses" - suspense wise I don't want you to specify "corpses". "Flies buzz like it's a butcher shop with broken A/C." or something.
You *definitely* should cut the VO here. I know exactly what he's thinking and don't need to hear him loop it. Perhaps pick moments of ripe comedy or when he's alone. If a scene is happening where he's talking to someone else, I don't want the VO.
19 Too much "retard fucking". Cut the first one at the top "You better have something to wipe off my shoe" then "What are you nuts?" and then I think you earn "You are a retarded fucking nut job". He shouldn't declare it until just here, even if he's not a nice character - give Stan some tact so we see how he changes after seeing inside Ned's place...
20. And...you lose me here. I know you're going for total scum of society, but his dialogue "Your ass is mine Neddy boy" doesn't work. Why does he become suddenly gay when his toupee comes off?
If you seriously want a rape scene, I'd try justifying it as "You just tried to kill me. I'm calling the cops...and you're going to retard jail for the rest of your life...unless...."
If you *really* want to continue your VO, skip it until they're mid-coitus then start with "I remember when I was seven..." as a distancing gambit.
If you're going to have a rape scene, you need to clearly draw the line if you want John Waters sort of "yeehaw white trash!" or something disturbing and serious even if blackly humorous. I almost think it's creepier if he convinces Ned to do this to keep him quiet about trying to kill him and controls him verbally rather than beating him up.
21 And he cackles again. Quit that!
We've made a turn into exploitation...we'll see how this turns out.
You've had a brutal rape, followed by one stereotypical line "That's what I'm talking about girlfriend" then they savage Ned too. Here is where people will walk out of the movie.
I notice the guy gays "hoot and giggle" rather than cackle. I'm giving this perhaps five more pages to stop insulting my intelligence.
28. Okay, the kindly paternal serial killer. Still on thin ice but *potential* to come back. Could you skip the stereotypical queens and just have Harry just be the first potential gay victim who turns out to be more than he bargained for and see potential in Ned?
Then I’ll choke the life out of
her. Watch the bitch’s eyeballs
roll back in her head and her
tongue bulge out all purple...
This will require some very delicate handling. It's so offensive.
35. Could you perhaps hold off that Harry's a killer right off the bat? Maybe not until he sees Ned's potential for a serial-killer lair does he level with him and let him know what he's about. Perhaps he can just be the first person to be nice to Ned?
38. I'd prefer "All you all right? You sound sick" "I'm not sick, but I'm all right."
42. "Maybe we better start with something that requires less finesse. Like guns."
I'd redline the VO in the middle of the page. You don't need it here.
50. Two montages . Could you possibly just run one into the other? Ned and Harry have fun shooting, then it moves onto him teaching how to ride a bike paternally?
53. like/with simile - pick one or combine. "The store is brightly lit as a hospital morgue" or "the store has the ambiance of a hospital morgue".
I see how the Asian Clerk's line can be funny but you need to give him a little more to land it. "Naw, it's slow. Seriously, boring as hell tonight. Why should it be any different than any other ?..."
I seriously like the madcap...itude (?) of this scene.
59. If you don't use "anus hole" previous to this, this line is actually funny.
I like that you bring back the VO here, but like with the Asian Clerk, the line is too short to land and bookend the scene. "I don't know if you'll believe me, but this was the first fun day I've ever had. Oh wait. Except for that one time Mom got ran over by the car. That was fun too."
60. "We're out of money." "Mulgh go kuph muh fuhftuh." "What?" "Let's go kill my sister." (Classic.)
61. (Shows drawings) "All right Ned. That's a good plan. Maybe we...just need to fill in some of the details."
62. Don't think Selena should be angry when she picks up the phone. She's a princess, she probably would hope to have gentlemen callers. She should be a princess till she hears it's Ned. I love that she's in the exact same place we last saw her.
64. EXCELLENT callback, telling her he's selling the house, just as I've forgotten about how this all started.
64 I love "one hundred...two hundred...THREE HUNDRED DOLLARS." Could it go farther with Harry writing in crayon on the plan more and more zeros: "Three THOUS...THIRTY thousan...THREE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS."
Then, after he shouts $300,000 into the phone it should stay on Ned and Harry and there's a long pause while they listen. He hangs up sheepishly. Harry shakes his head. "She's flying down tomorrow" (spit take).
67. I like that you resisted a "cleaning the house montage" but it almost seems appropriate.
69. Great use of VO here during shaving. That's the right place for it.
70. I'd almost prefer you don't foreshadow that it's going to be Stan at the door and let your act 3 twist be a shock instead.
72. Find another word besides "cackle".
Alternate choice possibility - Instead of "Fuck you Stan" (nut shot) could he just either go all serial killer here and just say it kind of dead and cold? Maybe instead he could say "Actually. Stan. I've been waiting for you. I've been waiting for you this whole time."
73 "Male model" is great, but don't underline it by having the cop crack up. That's a good enough line that the audience will laugh so you don't need to have him do it.
74. Don't think he should say "No! I'll bite it off..." just let him keep his teeth clenched as they try to pry them apart.
75. I'd stay with Selena on the highway, it's not worth the intercut just for the attackers to "wince".
76. Don't know if you could work it, but it would be better if Harry rushing in is a surprise. I like how you intercut between him almost getting arrested, could you just have the male model line as he asks for his id and then leave the scene there indeterminate if he will get back to rescue Ned?
Why does Stan's knife slide from his pocket and clatter to the floor?
Make it clear when it happens that Stan's foot is pegged to the floor. Why is Harry hopping?
78. Love the idea that she's near the mannequin factory. You could almost cut right out of the scene on that line "Does your friend know it?" *Possibly* add in the "Tard" but let the audience fill in the reaction.
82. Could you have something more bizarre than having her hog-tied? Perhaps duct taped into a chair in a line with several other variously decapitated mannequins, or having a tea party with them or something?
86, Good entrance of VO again, it works best when Ned is alone, not during an opposing dialogue scene.
I'd either drop "Such an asshole..." or make it "He was an asshole, but I'd never forget him, that's for sure."
88. Just an idea - can you (somehow hopefully without calling a camera shot) have Ned standing spread-legged in front of Stan's corpse, then we see a stream like he's pissing on him, but when the camera whirls he's holding the bottle and it's lighter fluid?
90. Not sure if the last line works. It almost feels like you need another folksy VO that starts to make you think it's going to "And that's how I became a man...(roll credits)" but instead it's ends something like, "Your legs around a harley, a girl's legs around you, and nothing but open road. It was all anyone should ever need. It was all I never needed (and they fade off down the shimmering road) But even though I changed, things never change. I still want to kill. I want to kill. I want to kill." Or something better than that. As written it's a bit goofy but it almost needs the switcheroo tone you've maintained through the script. read
by javert on 09/14/2009When I received this assignment I didn't expect much. I actually anticipated something fairly juvenile and shallow and violent. I was wrong. This work contains good development of characters that I surprisingly found myself very interested in. Dialogue and interplay were good, and for being supposed killers, Ned and Harry were actually, clumsily endearing. I also saw what... When I received this assignment I didn't expect much. I actually anticipated something fairly juvenile and shallow and violent.
I was wrong. This work contains good development of characters that I surprisingly found myself very interested in. Dialogue and interplay were good, and for being supposed killers, Ned and Harry were actually, clumsily endearing. I also saw what I look for in characters - change. Ned turned from a 'tard' into a biker with a babe on the rear seat. I liked his swerve from killer wannabe to someone who appreciated the softness of a female victim's long neck, sparing her.
The story was edgily effective too. Killer wannabe is a victim of his unknowing gay victim. That's good stuff. Such flavor fuels the entire story.
This work was an unexpected pleasure to read and I can certainly see it made with effective casting. It's right in line with the works of Coen brothers or Tarantino - different, engaging, and entirely quirky!
So, I should give a criticism. There are a few typos, but not many. Give a quick proofread. That's it.
PS; I loved Ned's signs! read
by macaggiano on 09/14/2009I find this type of script among the most difficult to critique. Despite it's solid structure, you've looked for ways to defy conventions as your story unfolds. You've definitely achieved your goal of writing a low budget, independent-type script. Often, I feel the meaning of this type of film is lost on me, but just as often I think that the only message is that people... I find this type of script among the most difficult to critique. Despite it's solid structure, you've looked for ways to defy conventions as your story unfolds. You've definitely achieved your goal of writing a low budget, independent-type script. Often, I feel the meaning of this type of film is lost on me, but just as often I think that the only message is that people and situations such as this do exist, and there's not much we can do about it. For example, Ned's character didn't have much depth to him. We learn about the relationship with his mother growing up, his father issues, and everyone he comes in contact with seems to try to take advantage of him. But no one issue led to him becoming a killer. His mother's death seemed to have tripped an internal switch and started what was in a way put in motion a long time ago. But it appears this was your intention. A real person like Ned would not be deep, probably wouldn't understand the reasons for a lot of their actions. The same goes for your use of VO's. Traditionally, they are used to add a level of depth to what can be seen. But Ned isn't capable for understanding much, just some fairly inane observations.
The killing of Stan was an interesting moment of the story. I thought it was a good moment of suspense with Ned's sister on the way and a body to somehow dispose of. But at the same time, the whole story I've been waiting to see if Ned would actually be able to pull the trigger and now we know he does.
Given the spirit of the script, I would've like to have seen some more redeeming qualities from the victims in the climax. I think you did a great job of depicting Selena in the beginning. Although Ned's a pain she still gives him money and cares about him. Harry is an interesting mentor for Ned. Although there's no denying his primary goal is to cash in on the inheritance, I did get the feeling that there was some bond there, even from Harry's point of view. But once Selena comes back into the story we see nothing but her being a bitch. Meanwhile, Harry seems to be showing his true colors as his plan comes to fruitation. I would've like to have seen Harry give up the jacket and shades after he killed Selena, as if he were actually proud of his protege. This way when Ned shoots him, it's as if this turn of events was inevitable from the start.
Also, in this same scene, Ned seems to go from being a bumbling retard to a cool calculated killer. I think I understand your intention to show that as soon as he got what he's been craving (a couple kills) he would experience some kind of rebirth. I didn't really buy into the fact that this external event (killing) would trigger an internal change. Usually it's a tramatic internal changer that leads to the external change. If this is what you were going for when Selena says, mother was afraid you'd turn out like him, perhaps you need to set this up earlier in the script that this aspect of his past is this significant.
This was an entertaining read and very well written. Good luck. read
by maximosher on 09/09/2009This was by far one of the most interesting screenplays I have ever read. I thought it was great, unique concept and memorable characters. One thing I really liked about the script was its simplicity. I was never confused or felt overwhelmed. There were two main players and they were great. I really felt like I knew New, he felt so realistic. Harry was a great mentor/friend... This was by far one of the most interesting screenplays I have ever read. I thought it was great, unique concept and memorable characters.
One thing I really liked about the script was its simplicity. I was never confused or felt overwhelmed. There were two main players and they were great. I really felt like I knew New, he felt so realistic. Harry was a great mentor/friend with a nice twist at the end.
I loved this, unfortunately I think a lot of people would be shocked by it. It worked for me, I liked the humor, I love dark and bleak humor so that really worked for me.
Great job with this, hope something comes out of it, I look forward to reading your other work. read
- Writer: Chris Simons
- Uploaded by: gordonkris
- Length: 90 pages
- Genre: comedy, crime, horror
- I thought I'd write something with lots of narration. Maybe I overdid it, but I'm trying to get into Ned's head. This really doesn't fit into the narrow genre confines provided - maybe it's a bleak comedy? I definitely want the audience to feel uneasy at the same time. And I'm shooting for a pretty low budget. Any comments welcome.
- Bio: I teach filmmaking and film history overseas on the uni level. Back when I was living in the States, I used to spend days at a time on Triggerstreet. It was addictive, fun and motivated me to write. I don’t read or write many feature screenplays these days and the desire to actually film one is on the back burner, but I do write and make a lot of shorts. I’ll try to review on TS when I can. Don’t know why I’m changing this bio and pic - probably the whole 10th Anniversary thing has got me nostalgic.
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