Reviews of Jerry Must Die... Again 16

• 
  A scream on the screen
  A review of Jerry Must Die... Again
  by Parthenis on 05/05/2012
  What an interesting premise. The story was captivating even though it was a difficult read. What I mean is: I had to go back and re-read parts of the screenplay that dealt with the interchaning of the bodies and personalities. It would not be so confusing on the screen but getting through a read is a bit of a challenge. I don't know how you could simplify it for a producer... What an interesting premise. The story was captivating even though it was a difficult read. What I mean is: I had to go back and re-read parts of the screenplay that dealt with the interchaning of the bodies and personalities. It would not be so confusing on the screen but getting through a read is a bit of a challenge. I don't know how you could simplify it for a producer because it really has to impress him/her first. But I was able to see my way through the muddled script and then enjoyed the story. There is still a lot of work needed. The first part of the screenplay was relatively free of errors but then after the halfway point, almost every page had grammatical and spelling errors. On page 89/90 Christine is called Sally. A really good edit is needed because you lose credibility if the script is not written properly. A few errors here and there are acceptable but this goes beyond that.
  
  Some technical points and these are just my opinion: page 60, "While Freddy and Mary discuss how things come about..." I think you have to actually have dialogue if characters are speaking, even if it's in the background. The Director will want to know what they are saying. You might want to leave this part out. Page 59 and beyond, the language changes and the heavy swearing starts. This would change the rating from "General Admission" to possibly "Parental Guidance" or something more strict depending on the movie rating system in your part of the country. Something to think about. On page 66, Freddy can see Mary's ghost. Freddy is not dead or a zombie. The same thing happens with the Assistant (p. 76). The explanation is too simple and not believable. You develop the story that only dead people or zombies can see each other then you have two characters who can also see ghosts. This is a weak point in the plot and needs better explanation. I can't tell you how to fix it because it's your story.
  
  Overall you have the makings of a good niche film that caters to a particular fan base (horror, film noire). I think it would be great on the screen (and very visual).
  
  Best of luck with it.
  
  Jim read
• 
  Captures ridiculousness in a bottle
  A review of Jerry Must Die... Again
  by lindsayuittenbogaard on 05/03/2012
  I'm not normally a fan of far out, ridiculous banality but Jerry must die... again is written so well that I was drawn in. The characterisations come alive with the language - the story is punchy, imaginable and creative - I carried on reading with fascination. It's a bit like a fast-moving cartoon playing out in your head as you go through this script - the pace doesn't... I'm not normally a fan of far out, ridiculous banality but Jerry must die... again is written so well that I was drawn in. The characterisations come alive with the language - the story is punchy, imaginable and creative - I carried on reading with fascination.
  
  It's a bit like a fast-moving cartoon playing out in your head as you go through this script - the pace doesn't stop, there are twists and surprises built in - the craftsmanship of this work makes scriptwriting look easy.
  
  And I was doubly surprised - because I didn't care much about Jerry, I didn't really empathise with the other characters either - it was as if all of the rules of writing to attract interest stopped applying. The plot and texts alone drive this story to be well worth reading. read
• 
  The Dude is dead
  A review of Jerry Must Die... Again
  by jayelveejr on 04/24/2012
  Somewhere between Weekend at Bernie’s and The Marx Bros. and All of Me and Death Becomes Her … this slapstick comedy is if anything very inventive. I have to admit that zombie movies are kind of not my thing at the moment but since this is a comedy with a twist, thought I would give it a try. Glad I did. It’s an entertaining script that didn’t quite hold up for me until the... Somewhere between Weekend at Bernie’s and The Marx Bros. and All of Me and Death Becomes Her … this slapstick comedy is if anything very inventive. I have to admit that zombie movies are kind of not my thing at the moment but since this is a comedy with a twist, thought I would give it a try.
  
  Glad I did. It’s an entertaining script that didn’t quite hold up for me until the very end but for about two thirds, I think you have a decent high concept comedy here. Have to also admit that I chuckled here and there but didn’t really laugh all that much throughout and some of the gags and one-liners didn’t work for me but – comedy is hard and everyone has different tastes so perhaps I’m a minority on this as I noticed you’ve received some pretty high ratings on this puppy. Kudos.
  It’s hard for me to critique this type of nutso comedy because we kind of have to go with the flow on this, this isn’t exactly a script rooted in realism so we have to turn our brains off.
  
  I thought most of your characters were not bad, certainly a bit over the top which is the norm for this kind of comedy. Freddy was a stand out for me and I kind of wished he had more to do. I also liked Grandma, yes perhaps a stock character we've see before but I liked her. I kept thinking with all these crazy folks, this script might actually play better as a movie because the comedic actors would take over and you have enough material here to give them some juice to work with.
  
  There is something here that I liked with the mix of characters … actor, agent, waitress, voodoo and especially the assistant who reminded me of the type of supporting character we used to get in any comedy by Preston Sturges. In fact, dare I state that I think the supporting players here are a bit better than Seth and even Jerry himself. While sporting an Irish accent that seems to drift, his role would have to be played by a good comedic actor to really make him stand out. I think the body switching stuff might work best if we were watching the film. Something akin to Steve Martin and Lily Tomlin in All of Me where Lily gets into Steve’s body. And now that I bring him up you have two characters here who could be funny … Seth’s assistants Steve and Martin – I really thought you were going to use more of them and could have some good running gags with their names but I never got that. That almost felt like a missed opportunity to me.
  
  Also, one thing I liked was that you have Seth’s mom be a very important character here but we never see her and I was expecting her to come out at the end or maybe turn up.
  
  I think where things got a bit haywire for me is when some of them turn into ghosts and start appearing to the characters. Because of this I felt the script lost some focus and we got away from the central character’s dilemma which is really Jerry. The whole Lakers thing didn’t do much for me and feels like it can be cut out and you wouldn’t miss it. I also thought that the Assistant, a character I really liked, should have more of a wild reaction when she finds out what’s going on. I do get that she is in Hollywood and has seen it all but that felt off to me. Even within the confines of a slapstick zombie flick.
  
  I don’t want to get too nitpicky because this is meant to be fun and it is for the most part. It did run out of steam for me towards the end and I never really connected with Jerry but must admit your last line is a hoot. It reminded me of Joe E. Brown’s last line from Some Like It Hot and that’s praise indeed.
  
  I would maybe try and cut down a bit on the action lines, felt a tad too long in areas and would love to see more white space for an easier read but that is minor.
  
  Sorry I can't give you any good ideas or thoughts because this is a nutty comedy that is already a bit over the top so ... hard to tell you what to keep in or take out. It's all crazy.
  
  Overall, lovers of this type of thing will love this even more than me – have to admit that I never got into Shaun of the Dead like most folks so this type of zombie/comedy isn’t really my cup of tea. But the story is inventive enough that it kept someone like me entertained even if I’m not your target audience.
  
  In any case, good job on the good reviews and keep it going and wish you much luck, even better luck than Jerry. read
• 
  But First Bring Him To Life
  A review of Jerry Must Die... Again
  by David Muhlfelder on 04/19/2012
  While not a huge fan of zombie films, I was looking forward to reading this script based on the synopsis. I did enjoy parts of it, especially the second act where I felt the story flowed best. But overall, I feel you still have a way to go to make this script really come alive (No pun intended). The first act felt very sketchy and half-baked. The characters felt as if they... While not a huge fan of zombie films, I was looking forward to reading this script based on the synopsis. I did enjoy parts of it, especially the second act where I felt the story flowed best. But overall, I feel you still have a way to go to make this script really come alive (No pun intended).
  
  The first act felt very sketchy and half-baked. The characters felt as if they were being manipulated by the author in order to move the story in a preconceived direction. Granted, that's what all writers do to some extent, but the trick is to make the reader/audience believe that the characters are driving the action, not the other way around.
  
  I didn't believe that Seth was a "real" agent. He didn't act like one. Real agents don't rep extras, and legitimate agents get a straight 10% off the top. They don't have sliding scales of compensation based on the type of work they get their clients. If you look at movies like "Broadway Danny Rose" or "Jerry Maguire," both these title characters are established as dedicated practitioners of their profession whose problems are the result of circumstances beyond their control. Yet, they press on to the best of their ability, and we love them for that. Seth just comes off as a clueless wannabe, making it hard to care about what happens to him.
  
  Jerry comes off as very one dimensional and passive. He seems to be swept along by events, which also makes him hard to care about. His death, while occurring around the right spot in the first act, comes before we really get a chance to know what makes him tick. We need to see what Seth sees in him that makes him want to rep him, then we need to see what Bob sees in him that would make him willing to risk a multi-million dollar movie on a total unknown. Right now it just feels contrived.
  
  You were somewhat more successful with your secondary characters. The Assistant was fun, sort of like a female Radar O'Reilly from "M*A*S*H." Freddy and his Grandma also felt more fleshed out than either Seth or Jerry, as did Mary. I really felt like you missed an opportunity with all the soul swapping to flesh out (Again, no pun intended) both Seth and Jerry. I would've liked to see zombie Seth try to eat his mother. That would be a real character revealing action. As written, it was hard to keep track of whose soul was in who without a flow chart. And all those notes just killed the pacing.
  
  Your presentation could also use some work. Your descriptions are overwritten and often in passive voice, which robs the story of its momentum and immediacy. You have to find a way to essentially say the same things in half as many words and in active voice. Also leave out things like he begins and he starts. Just tell us what they're doing. We will assume they began at some point. You often used passed instead of past. At one point you referred to the spinal core instead of the spinal cord. And I had to stop to try to figure out what a savvier hangover was. I finally realized you meant severe, but that kind of mistake is a real eye roller.
  
  Finally, I felt like you padded and dragged out the ending. Once everyone is back in their proper body, the story is over. If you want to end on the scattering of Mary's ashes, get to it more quickly. I did think your dialogue had some good moments, and I still like the concept, but it needs sharpening and tightening to take it to the next level. Good luck. read
• 
  Brain Triangle… Musical Brains…
  A review of Jerry Must Die... Again
  by Michael Keller on 04/18/2012
  Jerry must die is funny and clever, with snappy dialog and likable characters. The structure is solid and the concept is original and sellable. I just have a few minor notes: -Jerry’s pre-death rise to fame seemed so easy. As a result, Seth hadn't invested much in it, so it seems less plausible that he'd be willing to go so far to make him complete the movie. Why not make... Jerry must die is funny and clever, with snappy dialog and likable characters. The structure is solid and the concept is original and sellable. I just have a few minor notes:
  
  -Jerry’s pre-death rise to fame seemed so easy. As a result, Seth hadn't invested much in it, so it seems less plausible that he'd be willing to go so far to make him complete the movie. Why not make Jerry a talent he had nurtured for years, so the success was really earned and losing it would mean much more.
  
  -Good idea to give Jerry a Scottish accent so the others would have varying degrees of success imitating it.
  
  -The assistant deserves a name.
  
  -I loved the assistant’s reaction to all the voodoo. And the best line: "I bet that wasn't filling."
  
  -Perhaps the assistant needs a greater incentive to push this movie through, beyond 38k a year and no health benefits? Perhaps the success of this movie would promote her to associate producer or something?
  
  -Who is Sally? Christine’s former name?
  
  Overall, great job! read
• 
  QUIRKY INDIE DARK COMEDY WITH ODD VOODOO ZOMBIE PREMISE
  A review of Jerry Must Die... Again
  by alexdoubleyou on 04/15/2012
  simple concept, admirable execution. a struggling agent finds an amateur actor who miraculously gets a big role but overdoses & dies, so the agent uses shady voodoo to transfer his soul into the actor & complete the film. complications arise when a nosy waitress gets killed by the resulting "zombie," but luckily she returns as a ghost to help the agent accomplish his ruse... simple concept, admirable execution. a struggling agent finds an amateur actor who miraculously gets a big role but overdoses & dies, so the agent uses shady voodoo to transfer his soul into the actor & complete the film. complications arise when a nosy waitress gets killed by the resulting "zombie," but luckily she returns as a ghost to help the agent accomplish his ruse.
  
  the trickiest part of the comedy/horror genre is deciding how to balance funny & scary. too much of the former makes the latter impossible (SHAUN OF THE DEAD, etc), whereas many true "horror" films need moments of humor/levity to break the tension (AMERICAN PSYCHO, etc). or you can try to strike an even balance (SCREAM, etc). all three approaches can work well. your movie, while not distinctly comedic, is certainly not scary. many will be disappointed that despite the zombie premise & R rating (for language, sex & gore) there is no genuine horror. still, it has plenty of entertaining mystery & suspense, a pleasant lighthearted tone & an appealing je ne sais quoi.
  
  Seth the agent is an unexpected hero, since agents are known to be sleazy & selfish like used car salesmen. being a struggling agent & dependent on Mom also paints him as incompetent. he needs to shatter this image & demonstrate an admirable personality so the audience will root for him & worry about his fate. for instance, instead of leaping at the chance to make a buck (as we expect), maybe he could reluctantly represent Jerry out of kindness/generosity? maybe he could be honest in a situation where most people would lie/cheat? defying stereotypes also offers comedic opportunities.
  
  Jerry the Scottish actor is actually the most sympathetic character. he seems like the protagonist until his sudden death sets the real zombie voodoo story in motion. (considering how he gets possessed by other characters, this would be a fun role to play.) the big problem with this character is how he stumbles into superstardom without any talent, but then suddenly he's irreplaceable? to make this convincing, he should have some strange rare skill which the producers consider vital to their movie's success. Mary the waitress is an intriguing thread whose subplot is smoothly woven into the main plot. She appears to be a potential love interest until her unexpected (but entertaining) death at the midpoint. When she returns as a ghost, she becomes a sort of fairy godmother to aid Seth, which feels unmotivated & forced.
  
  Freddy the witch-doctor serves as a classic trickster, reckless & eager, motivated by "the ride" of adventure. lucky for Seth, he doesn't cause nearly as much mischief as he could. the assistant provides an enjoyable sidekick character with a big arc from weirdo to savior. her "hollywood" personality is exaggerated but believable, & she has a hidden cool side which is super cool & somewhat ninja. (instead of being known simply as the assistant, she should have a name when first introduced.) Grandma is a wise mentor who performs the initial voodoo magic, is conspicuously absent for a while, then returns at the end to help fix things.
  
  dialogue was generally smooth, realistic, contemporary casual. could use more "showbiz" jargon (which might be funny.) clever cross-talk in the scene where Jerry talks to Mary's ghost who Christine can't see. I always like phonetic speech such as Jerry's Scottish accent, which was pretty good & funny. vulgar language was overdone, especially after Mary becomes a ghost. her anger is understandable, but she comes off as a crazy annoying bitch & loses her likeability. generally good funny subtext, but for a comedy there weren't many quips/jokes/punchlines. a few attempts, like the "deep-throating" line, totally fall flat. maybe you could have a bunch of jokes based around the idea that "agents don't have souls?"
  
  the story definitely gets points for unpredictability. situational & physical irony generate most of the humor. highly unorthodox portrayal of "zombies," having telepathic connections between old bodies & disembodied souls, possessing surprisingly advanced cognitive & motor skills, being invisible in mirrors like vampires, & not being dangerous, just terribly terribly inconvenient. swapping their voices is illogical (vocal cords are part of the body) but it helps the audience keep track of who's who & it's funny.
  
  this script's biggest logical flaw is Mary's lack of motivation. she returns as a ghost to help the people who were responsible for her death, which makes no sense. obviously Jerry's drug overdose was an accident -- Mary didn't kill him. for her to really feel guilty enough to help Seth, she has to really be guilty. maybe she pushes Jerry to drink & do drugs despite his protests, then when he wants to stop she keeps pushing & after he refuses to party any more she slips something into his water? now she really did kill him & must make amends. the script's greatest weakness is a lack of depth. the love story is incomplete. no clear lesson/moral/message is advanced. the only sacrifice is made by a ghost with nothing to lose. the troublemakers go unpunished & the victims are unredeemed. monsters are unthreatening. many key elements could be much more satisfying.
  
  the script follows a straightforward linear structure -- no flashbacks except for the "preview" opening scene (which is usually a cheap technique I despise, but the way it's used to bookend the plot & resolve the principal dilemma makes it great.) commendably swift pacing through the first act. despite the lack of antagonism/conflict, the characters are compelling enough to carry the story until Jerry dies. the voodoo ritual is entertaining. I like the bit where they nervously pass the knife like a hot potato. big twist at the midpoint when Mary dies & zombie Seth escapes. (this is perhaps the best point to slow down & genuinely frighten the audience.)
  
  Seth agrees to the soul-swapping plan way too easily. he should adamantly refuse, but then the stakes rise & force him to act. maybe a producer calls & threatens an aggressive lawsuit unless Jerry appears on set ASAP? maybe the police start to investigate? the appearance of Mary's ghost is a weird twist, reminding me of AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN PARIS. there should be more consistency with the "ghost rules," like whether or not she can interact with physical objects & whether or not people can see/hear her. the rules kept changing to suit different scenes. also, why don't other dead characters (like Jerry) have ghosts? my favorite twist was the capture/release of the assistant. it's a relief she stays true to her motivation (her career) instead of randomly becoming an antagonist for the sake of antagonism.
  
  I really liked the reoccurring gags, like the assistant appearing from nowhere, rum being spit as part of the voodoo ritual & doors getting slammed in people's faces. three definite cuts I would make are the aspirin/prescription pill bit which goes nowhere, the Lakers subplot which seems out of place & the scene at the strip club which seems out of character. I wish the Corvette fireball crash was the final scene. all the subsequent events (office, Lakers game, roller coaster) are unnecessary. disposing of Mary's ashes isn't really that touching because Seth never really got to know her. a great final twist would be if Grandma could use some voodoo to put Mary's ghost back in her body (her brain would have to be left uneaten) so she & Seth could be together after all! (furthermore, there might be chemistry between the assistant & Freddy?)
  
  the script suffers from several obvious amateur mistakes, such as the CONTINUED on every page & multiple spelling errors on the very first page. tons of typos throughout, at least a dozen random asterisks. a lot of action is "said" rather than "shown," like writing how the voodoo shop smells of incense rather than depicting an image of burning incense. luckily, a good quick lean writing style keeps the pages turning. overall it was a fun story & with a few quick fixes it will be solid. needs a better title, but you're close. how about KILL JERRY AGAIN?
  
  keep up the good work!
  
  p23 "seen" > "scene"
  p70, 83 "their" > "there"
  p73 "contribute" > "attribute"
  p73, 74, 76, 91 "passed" > "past"
  p80, 81 "Woman #1" > "Michelle"
  p85 "except" > "expect"
  p89, 90, 95 "Sally" > "Christine"
  p90 "like" > "lick"
  p92 "loosing" > "losing"
  p95 "core" > "cord" read
• 
  Right direction but needs work
  A review of Jerry Must Die... Again
  by bigd5555 on 04/13/2012
  Let me start off by saying, that I like the concept for this screenplay. Zombie movies have been dominating the screens for the past several years and I believe this sub-genre is a creative yet "safe" niche to dive into. 5he plot was very creative and when the "Jerry" first turns into a zombie, I started getting into it. But there were some flaws. I feel like the story didn't... Let me start off by saying, that I like the concept for this screenplay. Zombie movies have been dominating the screens for the past several years and I believe this sub-genre is a creative yet "safe" niche to dive into. 5he plot was very creative and when the "Jerry" first turns into a zombie, I started getting into it. But there were some flaws. I feel like the story didn't captivate me from the beginning because you wrote the "screenplay" like a novel. WAY to much extra detail. There is no reason to "narrarate" what someone is going to say, and then have in the script that they said it. There needs to be some cut back. There were also a lot of spelling and grammatical errors, you or someone else just needs to re- proofread. Also, when the characters "jump" into zombie bodies there were some name placement errors, which made it confusing. Overall, I thought it was a good story line but the mechanics needs some tweeking. read
• 
  An interesting story bogged down by cumbersome formatting
  A review of Jerry Must Die... Again
  by capper on 04/12/2012
  Hi. Congrats on the screenplay. The premise is interesting, kind of  like "weekend end at Bernie's" meets "idle hands". First I post my page notes then I'll have some brain farts and other notes. I used my iPad, so it's not as neat as what my normal reviews are. PAGE 2: Note "Whoa. You have an instant script trasher with our first chunk of description. Always keep description...
  
  Hi. Congrats on the screenplay. The premise is interesting, kind of  like "weekend end at Bernie's" meets "idle hands". First I post my page notes then I'll have some brain farts and other notes.
  
  I used my iPad, so it's not as neat as what my normal reviews are.
  
  PAGE 2:
  Note
  "Whoa. You have an instant script trasher with our first chunk of description. Always keep description lines at 3 to 4 lines in length, averaging to 3 . Never exceed this. Never. It creates too much black space and daunts the reader, and screams amateur. Simply break the description up. I break mine up into perceived camera shots."
  
  Highlight
  "SUB: 2 WEEKS EARLIER"
  and Note
  "These go on the same line, and it would be better to use SUPER instead of sub."
  
  Highlight
  "are talking"
  and Note
  "Personal preference, but consider avoiding passive writing like this. Words like "are" and "is", as well as -ing words instantly make your writing sound passive. It is simply a matter of rewording, ie: 
  
  "Pretty Hollywood type people talk on their cell""
  
  Highlight
  "return (I’m sorry)"
  and Note
  "Use " not brackets"
  
  Highlight
  "and assumes that Seth is talking to one of the Coen brothers."
  and Note
  "This is internal. We cant see this on screen. Write only what can be shown. Besides, this is redundant as you Show us why she's attentive via her dialog only a couple lines down.
  
  Avoid redundant descriptions and internal feelings, or anything that he audience can't see on screen. It hinders the read, slows it down and is unprofessional for newbies like us."
  
  Note
  "Remove the Continued stuff from the bottom and top of each page. This can be turned off in your screenwriting program and it will do it for you."
  
  PAGE 3:
  Highlight
  "While waiting"
  and Note
  "Redundant. We know he's waiting, no need to say it again. I know it's a small thing, but when a script is riddled with redundancies, no matter how small, it makes the read cumbersome. Agents, readers, etc are dying for a chance to turf your script, give them as little reason as possible for them to do so.
  
  And I know people might say "if your story is great, it doesn't matter", and it might be true in a perfect world, but in reality you need to be lean and mean."
  
  Highlight
  "STAFF O.S."
  and Note
  "OS needs to be in brackets"
  
  Highlight
  "Seth is walking quickly"
  and Note
  "Passive. "Seth walks""
  
  Highlight
  "He doesn’t drink his coffee but"
  and Note
  "Redundant. Just telling us that he holds it out so he doesn't spill it shows us and implies that he isn't drinking it."
  
  Highlight
  "It is his mother."
  and Note
  "How do we know this? How would the audience know this until we hear Seth talk? If it can't be seen, remove it. If it is simply telling us what is about to be shown, remove the telling."
  
  Highlight
  "Hi Mom. No, I’m sorry I hung up on you but I was talking to a very important client."
  and Note
  "Gap between his dialog. Are you doing this to indicate his mom talking? This is wrong. Just use an ellipses to do this:
  
  Hi mom... No, I didn't mean to rape the dog... I was drunk""
  
  Highlight
  "graciously"
  and Note
  "Redundant, like all -ly words. -ly words are just not needed in scripts, but I know it's personal preference, however, avoid blatantly redundant ones like this."
  
  PAGE 4:
  Highlight
  "Jerry is hungry"
  and Note
  "How do we know this? SHOW don't TELL"
  
  PAGE 6:
  Highlight
  "Seth’s front office"
  and Note
  "Redundant. You already told us this in your scene slug. Don't repeat things."
  
  Highlight
  "Steve and Martin are keeping themselves busy with garbage basketball."
  and Note
  "Cumbersome. Get to the point. Don't waste reader's time with unnecessary fluff.
  
  "Steve and Martin play garbage basketball" this tells me the exact same thing without the extra fat. Get to the point as quickly and efficiently as possible."
  
  PAGE 8:
  Highlight
  "*Seth’s office is clean,"
  and Note
  "Redundant, and why is here a star?  Just start with the description.
  
  SETH'S OFFICE
  clean and organized, etc etc
  
  Also, break this chunk into smaller, readable, blocks. Don't put things in brackets. Use a new line of description for each picture you describe."
  
  PAGE 9:
  Highlight
  "A mixture of products pertaining to all types of magical and spiritual beliefs line the shelves"
  and Note
  "Cumbersome. Try "items of various magical and spiritual beliefs line the shelves" -done. Tells me the same thing without boring me."
  
  Highlight
  "A strong smell of incense perfumes the air,"
  and Note
  "Unless they make smelly vision, how would we know this? Is it even important for us to know? If you want us to know there's incense then SHOW it!  Show the incense sticks smoking away in their holder. SHOW, don't tell."
  
  Highlight
  "carrying a mop and bucket, yelling at his GRANDMA (75)"
  and Note
  "Where's this grandma? Did she just magically appear? can we see her? If not, just have Freddy screaming. If we can, describe where she is. People just don't magically appear on screen."
  
  PAGE 12:
  Highlight
  "Continuous shot of Seth politely guiding Jerry into his office."
  and Note
  "Whoa. Do not blatantly direct camera shots. You're a writer, and unless you plan to direct this, don't do it. Besides, simply saying that Seth guides Jerry to his office implies its a continuous shot.
  
  Also, you need a scene slug, or a mini slug at least, for Seth's office. Is a new location after all"
  
  PAGE 24:
  Highlight
  "dying seen"
  and Note
  "Scene"
  
  Highlight
  "A have a limo?"
  and Note
  "So he's not toning it down now? You have him talking perfectly to Seth in the caravan, but not here."
  
  PAGE 25:
  Highlight
  "The Assistant waits for a reply. Okay then, have a good night."
  and Note
  "You need to use ther dialog slug for the assistant since you added some description in between"
  
  Highlight
  "The thank you brings a huge smile to her face."
  and Note
  "Cumbersome. Get to the point.
  "a huge smile grows on the assistant's face""
  
  PAGE 32:
  Note
  "This should be page 25. Seth agreeing to this is you break into act 2 and needs to be around page 24-26. Removing all your redundancies will have bring this forward."
  
  Highlight
  "CONTINUOUS SHOT:"
  and Note
  "Remove"
  
  PAGE 35:
  Highlight
  "pushes him out of the way, causing Seth to fall to the ground."
  and Note
  "Just say "pushes him to the ground" it says the same thing in less words.
  
  Cumbersome, fluff filled descriptions promotes skimming, and that's something you DO NOT want agents, readers, etc to do. Making your descriptions lean and mean, getting to the point as efficiently as possible, stops skimming and strengthens your story as only the things that matter remain."
  
  PAGE 46:
  Highlight
  "fallows"
  and Note
  "Follows"
  
  PAGE 51:
  Highlight
  "Mary is sneaking down the ally"
  and Note
  "Passive and wastes words. "Mary sneaks down the alley" saves two words and isn't passive. We watch movies in the present, your writing needs to reflect this. Write as if we are watching it right now."
  
  Highlight
  "Mary gets to her feet and uses her cell phone to give a little light to the dark basement. Mary is startled when she bumps into some boxes causing a skull to fall out onto the ground. She quickly turns to see zombie Seth standing in front of her, scaring her once more. Zombie Seth is stuck behind the protective circle and can’t get at Mary"
  and Note
  "Cumbersome. Try this:
  "Mary gets up, uses her cell phone to provide some light as she creeps backwards. She bumps into boxes, A skull cracks to the ground and startles her.
  
  She spins around, squeals as she comes face to face with zombie Seth."
  
  This uses half the words, yet shows me the same thing. Always aim for one line less."
  
  PAGE 53:
  Highlight
  "is put off by a bad smell."
  and Note
  "What smell? Mary is freshly dead, she wouldn't smell."
  
  PAGE 55:
  Highlight
  "*EXT. PARKING LOT, FILM SET - DAY*"
  and Note
  "Remove the stars"
  
  Highlight
  "Christine adjusts her breast"
  and Note
  "She only has one tit?"
  
  PAGE 57:
  Highlight
  "Christine takes it as a come-on."
  and Note
  "Redundant. Her dialog shows us this."
  
  Highlight
  "Mary"
  and Note
  "Maybe put Mary's ghost here."
  
  Highlight
  "Jerry begins to have a conversation with Mary’s ghost."
  and Note
  "Redundant, your dialog shows this"
  
  PAGE 58:
  Highlight
  "MARY 
  It was you that did this to me."
  and Note
  "How does she know Seth's soul is inside Jerry?"
  
  PAGE 59:
  Highlight
  "Mary sees Jerry’s reflection in a mirror."
  and Note
  "Ok, so she sees Seth when looking at Jerry, BUT she can see Jerry in the reflection."
  
  PAGE 60:
  Highlight
  "If it wasn’t for Casper bitch here, we wouldn’t be in this mess."
  and Note
  "How does he know this?"
  
  PAGE 61:
  Highlight
  "SETH You um, um, slept with him?"
  and Note
  "Jerry?"
  
  Highlight
  "Seth’s"
  and Note
  "Jerry's?"
  
  Highlight
  "Freddy"
  and Note
  "Very cumbersome reading so many names with y at the end. Jerry, Freddy, Mary.  It would be worthwhile changing one or two to something less similar."
  
  Highlight
  "While Freddy and Mary discuses how things came about, they don’t notice that Jerry is beginning to feel a little faint."
  and Note
  "Just say Jerry feels faint. We know he's doing as they speak because you have it between dialog"
  
  Highlight
  "The zombie part of Jerry starts to take over."
  and Note
  "What does this look like?"
  
  PAGE 62:
  Highlight
  "FREDDY 
  Would you stop moving around, you’re making me dizzy!"
  and Note
  "Who is making him dizzy? Who is he talking to?"
  
  Highlight
  "SETH"
  and Note
  "JERRY"
  
  Highlight
  "Jerry tries to deny any truth."
  and Note
  "Don't tell us! Show it, which you have via dialog. Remove redundant tellings like the. There is no need to tell us what is about to happen right before you actually SHOW it happening"
  
  PAGE 63:
  Highlight
  "does a poor job lying to her."
  and Note
  "TELLING."
  
  Highlight
  "Freddy goes into his charming routine and takes over the conversation."
  and Note
  "TELLING"
  
  PAGE 65:
  Highlight
  "He sees Mary."
  and Note
  "How can he see Mary? He I a living person now so shouldn't be able to, like freddy. You can't change the rules willy nilly to suit the story."
  
  PAGE 67:
  Highlight
  "Loud MUSIC/CAT CALLS bring his attention to the stripper’s bar across the street."
  and Note
  "Must be pretty fucking loud to hear it from across the street. Making him walk right in front would make it believable."
  
  Highlight
  "Freddy finally focuses and sees Mary standing over him and yells."
  and Note
  "So now everybody can see her? Why? Because she punched the zombie? Makes no sense."
  
  PAGE 69:
  Highlight
  "Martin enters Seth’s offic"
  and Note
  "Need a slug for the office"
  
  PAGE 71:
  Highlight
  "How do you guys walk like this? Do you know how fucked up it is to feel your dick bounce from side to side?"
  and Note
  "Hahaha"
  
  Highlight
  "This freaks Jerry out."
  and Note
  "Redundant. Your dialog SHOWS this"
  
  PAGE 74:
  Note
  "What's with all the y ending names. Now we have Shelly in the mix!"
  
  PAGE 76:
  Highlight
  "Mary finally frees herself from Jerry’s body. She shakes herself like a wet dog."
  and Note
  "How? I thought only the voodoo ritual can do that? You change your own rules which makes it hard to read and believe in the world you create."
  
  PAGE 77:
  Highlight
  "How is it that she can see me? Is she a witch, too?"
  and Note
  "Exactly."
  
  Highlight
  "FREDDY It has something to do with the voodoo magic and the dead. She been exposed to it now."
  and Note
  "What?! Firstly, this should have been explained way earlier when we learn that Freddy can see Mary, and also, no voodoo has been performed n front of the assistant. Freddy just took the gear out."
  
  PAGE 79:
  Highlight
  "Sex and drugs does it every time."
  and Note
  "How does the assistant know it was sex and drugs? Does she have clairvoyant powers?"
  
  PAGE 80:
  Highlight
  "Freddy walks into his first Hollywood party and it doesn’t disappoint him."
  and Note
  "Firstly this is telling, secondly you must describe which characters are in your scene before they talk. Jerry just doesn't pop up, does he?"
  
  Highlight
  "cock block you,"
  and Note
  "Who is he cock blocking him from? Bob?"
  
  PAGE 85:
  Highlight
  "Bob yells out cut."
  and Note
  "Needs to be in a dialog slug"
  
  PAGE 88:
  Highlight
  "FREDDY Have you noticed him getting moody?"
  and Note
  "Hang on. How does Freddy know this? He's never done this zombie thing before, just knew about it from an old story, now all of a sudden he knows that Seth shouldn't be in Jerry too long? How? When did he learn this? People can't just magically know things for the convenience of your story."
  
  PAGE 90:
  Highlight
  "JERRY You’re one to talk with all that fucking shit on your face!"
  and Note
  "What's on her face?"
  
  PAGE 91:
  Highlight
  "like"
  and Note
  "Lick"
  
  Highlight
  "Sally’s"
  and Note
  "Christine?"
  
  PAGE 92:
  Highlight
  "JERRY O.S. Be right there."
  and Note
  "He became conscious very quickly"
  
  PAGE 96:
  Highlight
  "Sally"
  and Note
  "Christine?"
  
  PAGE 105:
  Highlight
  "SETH 
  I know she would love this, but why do I have to go, can’t you just do it?"
  and Note
  "How does he know? She never mentioned that she liked roller coasters. I like to have fun, but I hate roller coasters. You need to set this up earlier if you want to use it. If you have Seth ask her, it would endear him more too."
  
  Ok, firstly I'll start with the good.
  CHARACTERS: good job. Each was distinct and had a unique voice. I just wish that some of their names didn't end in Y! Arc wise it wasn't strong, but this is a comedy, not a drama, and that isn't too important for comedies, I don't care what people say!
  
  STORY: this is something I'd pay to watch, so good job, but needs a serious overhaul to fix many things I'll point out below.
  
  DIALOG: felt realistic. Nothing expositional or on the nose. Some funny lines throughout.
  
  STRUCTURE: everything seems to be in place, so well done. The break into act 3 could have been more defined/dramatic though.
  
  Now the things I think need work
  FORMATTING: really, really needs work. Cumbersome descriptions, internal feelings and thoughts, telling of things that are about to be shown, missing slug lines, grammar errors, heaps of typos, large blocks of text, character names changing here and there, etc, etc. if I was an agent and had to read heaps of scripts every day, day in and out, always reading scripts, and then came across this, I would have turfed this script after page 5, regardless of how entertaining it was/is. You MUST clean all of this up. You need to make it presentable. Make it professional. You need to give as little reason as possible for your script to be turfed. You want your story to be evaluated, not your formatting.
  
  STORY: for the most part it was fine, but there are some major plot holes, or conveniences for the sake of your story which should be addressed. 
  
   Firstly, the eating of pig's brains. The first time causes JERRY/Seth to turn piggish, but the second time it doesn't. It either does both times, or doesn't both times. Personally I'd scrap it
  
  Mary and who sees her. How can FREDDY suddenly see her because she punches zombie Seth? If you use the excuse you gave WAY later about being exposed to voodoo magic, then Freddy should have seen her STRAIGHTAWAY since hes the one that did the ritual. He's literally covered in voodoo.  Secondly, as mentioned in my page notes, the assistant wasn't exposed to magic when she started seeing Mary, Freddy just pulled out the gear. You can't make things just happen because it helps the story. They need to be grounded in the "reality" of the world you create.
  
  Freddy magically knowing about moodiness in possession. Like I said earlier, why is he suddenly a guru on this? There are other moments which I pointed Out in my page notes of characters knowing things they'd have no idea of knowing. Like Mary knowing Seth was inside Jerry's body when she first appears. If we don't know, your characters shouldn't know. Give us a reason of how she knew Seth was In Jerry. Also, Freddy knowing that Mary killed Jerry. When did he learn this? He had absolutely no way of knowing this. There are others, but my point is you need to clean this up as it really hurts your story.
  
  Mary being able to just leave Seth's body. Like I said, you described no voodoo, so how can she do this? If she has the ability, then set it up before hand so it is believable and doesn't feel like a plot hole.
  
  OVERALL
  You got an entertaining story here, with some pretty good dialog and characters that satisfies the tone and genre you were aiming for.  I think for your next rewrite you should concentrate on cleaning up your formatting and the plot holes as this will strengthen your story immensely.
  
  Good luck!
    read
• 
  It was well written, with good, defined characters but the story let it down
  A review of Jerry Must Die... Again
  by dluppers on 04/11/2012
  There's not much i can say really, it was well written and the dialogue was sharp and witty but dark at the same time. i thought the characters were good and well rounded with each one given a distinct personality, it was a good mix of people, they bounced off each other well and moved the story along. the only problem i had was the story, it didn't really catch my interst,... There's not much i can say really, it was well written and the dialogue was sharp and witty but dark at the same time. i thought the characters were good and well rounded with each one given a distinct personality, it was a good mix of people, they bounced off each other well and moved the story along.
  the only problem i had was the story, it didn't really catch my interst, it kinda dragged, i accept it's hard to write an original voodoo zombie film now a days but sorry, it just didn't work for me. that's not to say others wouldn't, it's just my taste. there were so many different body and soul swaps that it kinda became confusing by the end, and the ending felt flat, i expected something bigger, but that's just me, i like spectacle.
  i could easily see it as a straight to dvd film or even on a video on deamand service where it could gather a following.
  
  there was a few spelling mistakes but nothing major, heres a few i felt needed attention...
  
  Page 89
  ‘CHRISTIE
  Oh, look at your poor hand. I know
  a better way to relieve stress.’ Should be Christine right?
  
  ‘SALLY
  I knew we had a connection.’ Who’s sally? I presume you meant Christine
  
  Page 90
  ‘CHRISTINE
  Do that sexy accent of yours; it
  makes me want to like you in places
  that you’ve never been licked
  before.’ Should be ‘want to lick you in places..’
  
  page 95
  ‘kick-ass karate moves and pins Sally to the ground
  and snaps her neck.’ Again who is sally??
  
  so to sum up, it was well written, with good, defined characters but the story let it down. i would like to give some more constructive ways to improve it but i just can't think of any, sorry. maybe add another death, a gory one, could be the annoying director. read
• 
  RE: Jerry must die
  A review of Jerry Must Die... Again
  by William Mandell on 04/11/2012
  Concept: It’s an interesting twist on the Zom/Com genre. While I am not a big fan of films that focus on Hollywood or writers, this was well executed. The thought of how far these characters are willing to go gives an interesting theme to this ridiculous comedy. Story: The story was very well executed. There are several examples of strong writing. I apologize if I run... Concept:
  It’s an interesting twist on the Zom/Com genre. While I am not a big fan of films that focus on Hollywood or writers, this was well executed. The thought of how far these characters are willing to go gives an interesting theme to this ridiculous comedy.
  
  Story:
  The story was very well executed. There are several examples of strong writing. I apologize if I run up short on constructive criticism, this was really well done. Some standouts as far as writing is concerned, in the beginning there is a scene that Seth is having a phone conversation and leads Mary to believe it’s one of the Coen Brothers. Shortly after that he’s seen moving his flyer from being buried to being on top of the board. This is a really great example of show, don’t tell and it tells us a lot about the characters involved right in the beginning.
  
  The story itself revolves around these characters who are basically willing to sell their souls to see their objectives achieved. Again, really well executed, they constantly have things go wrong and obstacles thrown in their way.
  
  While I’m not totally in love with this script (just not totally my cup of tea), I can see it is going to have its fans and at the very least, makes me interested in reading more of this writers work. So good on you.
  
  Character:
  Really well done. Every character was well defined and easy to follow (which was important because you have so many characters switching bodies). Also, every character had goals and most of the important ones had actual character arcs. So yeah well done on this.
  
  One point that I would make. It might be a good idea to put the name of whichever character has taken possession of Jerry, or whichever character that has been possessed, to put the name of the possessing character in parenthesis next to the dialog name for the character that is possessed. It got confusing sometimes figuring out who was in control of who.
  
  Star appeal:
  While I don’t see this spec as being “A” list material, it would definitely lend itself to some talented comedy actors taking interest. Just in the fact that the characters (specifically Jerry) presents a challenge. He would essentially have to play 4 or 5 different characters.
  
  Structure/Presentation:
  Well done. For the most part clean. Here are some things that I caught.
  
  Pg. 89 – Who’s Sally?
  Pg. 90 - it
  makes me want to like you in places
  that you’ve never been licked
  before.
  Should be –
  makes me want to lick you…
  
  Sally again
  Pg. 95
  Sally again
  
  Dialog:
  Better than average.
  
  Theme:
  Willing to sell your soul. We’re reminded of this throughout the spec.
  
  Marketability/Budget:
  Quirky and low budget. Definitely has potential.
  
  Overall:
  Well done. Like I said, I wasn’t totally in love with it, but I would definitely like to read more of what this writer has got. read