Reviews of Kingdom Come 4

• 
  Maybe one day.
  A review of Kingdom Come
  by Ron Aberdeen on 11/18/2008
  I will comment on technical points and presentation as I read and summarise and the end of my review. First observation 141 pages is at least 30 pages too many for a spec script. Avoid establishing shots, in a spec script; these are the decision of the director not the writer. As the writer you must present your image in a way that the director has no choice. Line Space... I will comment on technical points and presentation as I read and summarise and the end of my review.
  
  First observation 141 pages is at least 30 pages too many for a spec script.
  
  Avoid establishing shots, in a spec script; these are the decision of the director not the writer. As the writer you must present your image in a way that the director has no choice.
  
  Line Space required after Slug Lines.
  
  Needs suggestion of period before mentioning battle. It could be WWII for all I know. Don’t leave anything to guess work or to be discovered later. A professional reader may not get that far.
  
  Narrator should have (V.O.)
  
  Your opening descriptive text is Telling, as in a novel. Descriptive text for a script must be written as a visual representation of what is happening on the screen in present tense.
  
  Fog is rare in the evening unless a river is close by.
  
  “Dusk approaches this foggy battlefield. The Newcastle and Eaton armies wage a fierce battle.”
  
  Great for a novel absolutely useless in a script.
  
  Suggestion:-
  
  [EXT. ENGLAND - LANGSTON FIELD – SMALL HILL - DUSK
  
  PRINCE DONATO of Newcastle sits on his charger, on a brow of a hill and scans the battlefield beneath him.
  
  The clash of amour, swords and the screams of dying men fill the night air.
  
  He glances across the field at PRINCE BASIL of Eaton, on his charger on a distant hill.
  
  Prince Donato lifts his sword and points to SOLDIER 1# on his right. Soldier 1# raises a banner as Prince Donato twists in his saddle and looks at CAPTAIN OSBORNE.
  
  Within moments the Cavalry, Donato and Osborn move as one down the hill.
  
  The battle weary Soldiers of Eaton are torn to pieces in the onslaught.
  
  SOLDIER 2# beside Prince Basil raises a banner and Eaton’s forces move from the battlefield in retreat.
  
  Prince Donato’s horse is run through with a pike and the Prince falls into the arms of his enemy. A dagger is pushed into his back.]
  
  I’ve only made this suggestion for you to see the difference between movement and action in words creating a visual image, not just describing it.
  
  Your software maybe adding the Continued at the foot and start of each page, this hasn’t been used for years.
  
  The dialogue might sound great at the Old Vic but long passages in a screenplay should be avoided like the plague, particularly as the realism of your script is the only people who could afford to make it, will be American.
  
  Also remember film is a visual art and when there are long passages of dialogue something else should be happening on screen
  
  BTW the maximum length of a line of dialogue should be 34 characters in correct format presentation.
  
  Good morning, Vance! You wert {went} missed these past days.
  
  Is 53 with spaces.
  
  We go from EXT. ROXBURY COURTYARD – DAY on Page 4 to Page 16 without according to you a change of location. And in those 12 pages, there are hardly any visual movements it is nearly all dialogue, dialogue that takes 20 minutes to read out aloud.
  
  You are attracted to your own use of words and because of that you are telling your story through exposure.
  
  This is not a script for a film, it maybe for a radio play, even a stage play but as it is it lacks all the elements of a document to instruct others how to make the film.
  
  Page 24. Peregrine regales captive listeners with long-winded stories, enjoying the laughter and merriment and drink.
  
  If you don’t write the dialogue for Peregrine that actor will not know what to say.
  
  Where do think the first Act ends and the Second act begins because I couldn’t decide. Because of the over use of dialogue the script lacks structure.
  
  There is no real protagonist or antagonist and for a period piece to work a main hero is required.
  
  Consider lines like this:
  Thalia advances cautiously when she hears raised voices.
  
  Does the audience hear them as well, if so write Thalia advances cautiously, she stops, listens. Raised voices.
  
  MAGNUS’ VOICE (O.S.)
  ... be that their deaths not be avenged, etc.
  
  I assume Magnus is not in the fire place as well?
  
  Donato draws his sword. Basil follows suit. ACTION!!!
  
  This is so boring for a colourful tapestry of medieval vocals.
  
  And where is the final act, the quickening pace, those heart stopping moments, the edge of the seat, nail biting climax? It all dies in a whimper and another monologue.
  
  This has to be one of the most disappointing scripts I’ve read this year.
  
  Cinematically it should have fill my mind with visions of castles, towers and ramparts, cobble stoned streets and pieces of eight.
  
  The colour language needs to be replaced with colourful images. Sure it’s clever but not bankable, not filmable and certainly not exciting and surely that’s a reason to complete such an epic.
  
  I have to ask why did you write this? To attempt to emulate Chaucer or Shakespeare. No chance. I watched the Merchant of Venice the other evening, the fluency in his dialogue keeps pace with the movement of image and what memorable lines with knowledge of delivery.
  
  It need characters to get lost or be amalgamated. Action should provide the movement even in a dialogue exchange, words alone will never do it.
  You will get reviews praising this because of your Linguistic skills, please do not be fooled by them.
  
  Your script lacks characters to care about, characters with arcs, the story lacks direction or structure and most importantly entertainment value.
  
  Your words are a Honey Trap which trap you and stop you from flying.
  
  I would have loved to have said this is well written but it is not, many parts of the narrative are contrived and contain far to much exposure.
  
  There is no doubt you have the ability to write, but at the moment not a screenplay.
  
  The reader drowns in words and dies of stagnation for lack of movement.
  
  Economy of words are the sign of a good writer. read
• 
  Shakespear's kingdom comes with a vengeance
  A review of Kingdom Come
  by ettore on 11/14/2008
  This is a good script. There are a few details which I would like to point out: Page 1: I am not familiar with English history and it would help greatly to just mention somehow the year when all the action takes place. If I understood correctly, it was a period when England was divided into small kingdoms ruled by gentry who were inclined to wage wars at any given excuse. It... This is a good script. There are a few details which I would like to point out:
  Page 1: I am not familiar with English history and it would help greatly to just mention somehow the year when all the action takes place. If I understood correctly, it was a period when England was divided into small kingdoms ruled by gentry who were inclined to wage wars at any given excuse. It would be nice to give a very brief historical review of royal descendance that could set us in the period: for example, Thalia could sing a praise to King Magnus and his father, grandfathers, etc, and a few great deeds that made him and his ancestors worthy.
  Magnus the evil scheming King is a great character. Opposed to him is Donato, who is not as interesting. He lacks something in his behaviour that would make us love him. Yes, he is skilled, motivated, educated, and yet his character needs something extra to make him memorable. Maybe an interior conflict clearly defined. I can not give you a good advice because you know your characters and screenplay much better but maybe some vice could help: he may be insatiable womaniser, or maybe have a passion for horses, hunting. The catana detail may be enlarged to a passion for metalurgy or something mundane. He is just too intelectual, a stranger from the outer world, a cosmopolitan, a sort of Hamlet with grand visions and long reaching projects. Maybe he is just too perfect for a human being. Maybe he should say something nasty, kick a servant, do something petty.
  Gilroy's whereabouts are not so well motivated. He gives an impression of just having a good time, not really hiding. He is one of the crucial characters, so find a better place for him to hide.
  Donato is left on a battlefield. I would like to have that explained a little better: in good old times, rulers had their own personal guards who would stay with them at all times, just to make sure that if they are killed, the body is burried in a manner dignified.
  Dialogue is somewhat difficult to understand. I have managed to understand almost everything without consulting dictionary, but I suspect some TS members will complain about that aspect of your SP. I am not one of them. I will explicitly state my support for your attempt to equal certain writer of Elisabethian age, without mentioning his name which is a curse for modern playwrights. I am not a native English speaker and can not even imagine myself speaking English well enough to give you any knowledgeable input considering the linguistic aspect of your SP. Suffice to say that I was not bored or confused at any place.
  Good luck with this script. Keep writing and posting at Triggerstreet. read
• 
  WOW
  A review of Kingdom Come
  by Blaiseh on 11/05/2008
  Kingdom come review Without having read it, I’m impressed by your ambition and looking forward to reading it, though I’m also wondering what kind of audience you envisage for this? It sounds like art house with a Hollywood budget. Anyway, I’ll start reading… First scene there’s a death there, but not very dramatic – maybe the action description should be more spread out,... Kingdom come review
  
  
  Without having read it, I’m impressed by your ambition and looking forward to reading it, though I’m also wondering what kind of audience you envisage for this? It sounds like art house with a Hollywood budget.
  
  Anyway, I’ll start reading…
  
  First scene there’s a death there, but not very dramatic – maybe the action description should be more spread out, more white space? I think it just needs to be clearer – I thought for some reason Eaton had won, prob because of Donato’s fall, though it was Newcastle that won wasn’t it?
  
  The dialogue is really quite amazing – at times it doesn’t work, but mostly of it is fantastic. Wish I could write this well. Though sometimes I think you may have overdone it on the alliteration.
  
  PG 7 – criminal intention – should be criminal intent – and maybe thermic miscalculation?
  
  Bit confused as to Thalia’s status – below, equal, superior to the princesses? Ah – answered on PG 8
  
  It’s a slow read due to the language. But really enjoying it so far.
  
  When Peregrine leaves to do his task you have a few scenes of him continuously – is there any way you can cut in another scene to break up his action? Just for the sake f rhythm. A maybe introduce the assassin sooner, making his preparations?
  
  The assassinations I think might be confusing when seen on screen – lots of cuts etc which might leave the audience behind. Is there any way you can make it clearer? Have the different castles sport very different looks so they’re easily identifiable? Introduce flags (and show them in first battle so audience know which Kingdom they’re in?)
  
  I’m finding Magnus’s drive a bit confusing. Sounds like he was planning this all along but also waiting for fate to deliver Donato to him. What was his plan if Donato didn’t turn up? Or did Donato’s arrival force his hand before he was ready?
  
  Am amazed by the quality of the dialogue – I can’t imagine how much work went into this.
  
  Lots of characters – having a hard time keeping up with who’s who – but hopefully will translate ok to the screen, esp if you have uniforms etc…
  
  PG 48 – not so convinced by the musical interlude, esp as Thalia sings it but also in it, being told the news. And who is she singing it to? It might be a question of formatting as anything. I’ve got something similar in my script, and I have a line of the poem/song/lullaby, followed by the visual it comes over, then another line then the next visual. Not sure if that would work better here? Reading wise, I’m not clear whether the lullaby is over the montage or after it.
  From earlier, I was also unsure of Thalia’s relationship with Newcastle?
  
  Another point that confuses me – Vespera’s bloke is from Eaton is he?
  
  Great dialogue, as I’ve said, but it occurs to me that maybe you need more stand out speeches soliloquies if you’re going full Shakespeare on us. Magnus’s planning and scheming is almost there, but I think you need to add another layer of self-doubt and/or justification to the characters – doubt for Donato, justification for Magnus? Though maybe this comes later…
  
  I am really drawn into this, can’t stop reading it…you’ve created a whole world here…
  
  PG 65 top – “inappropriate” sound inappropriate
  
  Begin of Roxbury song good, not sure about Pg 66 onwards – talk of industry and capital, movers and shakers sounds anachronistic.
  
  Peregrin and Aeneas – Quite surprised they’re so different – wouldn’t Peregrin have taught him to be a lesser person?
  
  Bringing Japan into makes me want to know more about the setting it has in presumably England – what time, place etc. Before it was a generic Anglo-Saxon, but with bringing in Japan I think you’re defined in git more and the audience wonders when and where Newcastle, Eaton etc is…
  
  PG 77 – I would have thought they would be having the opposite
  
  Pg 97 getting pretty plot heavy – also lots of – I’m going to do this…etc can we just see them doing it instead.
  
  Generally, you have slight tendency to tell and not show – it pops up here and there.
  
  Does Magnus’s character wash – the ends justifies the means? Might be better if he makes one small action, and to kept hat secret, has to do another and another which escalate to this full blown plot. At the moment his vision seem at odds with his modus operandi – can he be forced into his modus operandi?
  
  PG 96 I was thinking the assassin might do in Olympia by accident - would make for a good tragedy?
  
  Not quite sure who Gilroy is or what his importance is – is he really necessary? - I guess from later he’s basil’s older brother – I think I missed that earlier on. Do they both disappear in the same battle (IE Donato and Gilroy?)
  
  PG 100 – make their plans a bit clearer?
  
  Peregrine at moment seems only one to have an arc - I leave this mortal coil a richer man. He’s change, but precious few of your other characters have changed.
  
  Pg 110-111 - why did Osborne lay a trap for Aurich? As it fails, it just leaves me with the feeling of what was the point of that then?
  
  Not sure about some of the names – Forever Bridge and Mount Zoltan – they sound too much like bad fantasy, which this ain’t! – though unless the characters speak the names the audience won’t know them, so not a big problem.
  
  PG 122 – a bit Bondish, ie villain letting them into his secrets before he kills hero – oh whoops he doesn’t, and know they know everything!
  
  PG 123 – swordfight – a bit more details/drama possible? You describe it very matter of factly.
  
  How come Aeneas is such a fighter – he was a by at the beginning and hasn’t had time to be trained?
  
  Action description – much more white space, and needs to be more dramatic – a line /sentence for each shot.
  
  PG127 – a bit confused about why Aurich trying to blow up the gates?
  
  PG 130 – Thalia’s death – good – you needed some tragedy – hoping there’s more to come….
  
  PG 132 – bit early for Magnus to die no? Conventionally, the bad lieutenant dies first, then the bad boss – so shouldn’t Aurich die before Magnus?
  
  PG 133 Where does Aurich’s army come from? I like the last stand on the bridge – presumably waiting for the water to flow underneath – but Aurich pnly needsa a platoon/squadron./group of men – not an army surely?
  
  PG 140 – Donato at end offering self – sorry, I find this a bit over the top.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Concept:
  WOW. I am amazed by the breadth of your creation, the language and the weaving plot – and to some extent the characters. The obivus comet, which I’m sure everyone will say – who is the audience? It’s a big budget movie but I’m not sure I see the audience for it – have you considered writing it as a play? Next question -
  Is this a tragedy or drama? (in Shakespearean terms) Or something else? This links to who your protagonist is, Magnus or Donato – the former it’s a tragedy and I think there in lies it’s best possibility, or a drama with with Donatao as the protagonist.
  
  
  Story:
  Very Shakespearean. But oh so complicated, not helped by having to untangle the glorious dialogue you used. Can you consider thinning the plot a little, having not some many characters and their agendas? Two or three agendas would be more than enough. Too many factions really, who’ aims weren’t always clear…
  
  Character:
  Here’s the heart of what I want to say. You prob know much of this so forgive me if I’m being patronising. It’s unclear whether Magnus or Donato is the protagonist and deciding between them will lead the script on completely different paths. Neither have an arc – nor do any of your characters as far as I read them - they end the script as they began it, unchanged (except possibly Peregrine?). Tragedy is when a character can see his fate / destiny coming but can’t change to avoid it – eg Macbeth can see that he’s waded in blood too far but crossing over (IE continuing his dark path) is easier than coming back. I think you can write something brilliant with Magnus as the protagonist, lead to dark ways possibly by Vespera, or his desperation, or maybe he’s hurt personally by some tragedy triggered by the wars?. He makes one act and can’t go back from that, so has to do more and more evil acts each leading him to more betrayals and schemings. This would be a story very similar to Macbeth’s path, though you could exaggerate the differences – that Magnus does this because he’s sick of the war and death in the region – ie he doe it for altruistic reasons, not as Macbeth did, for self aggrandizement. Then you’ll have to bring to the fore the battle that rages within him, altruistic end against evil means. A possible ending – the showdown is on the bridge, and as everyone lines up opposite him he sees that his schemes have been defeated but the irony being that he did achieve his goal (uniting the lands in peace) – he just had to act as the evil force to make this happen. He sees all this in a second, then redeems himself by committing suicide - throwing himself over the bridge into the wall of advancing water coming down the river. What do you think?
  
  If you go with Donato as the lead then you’ll have to build a hero’s arc for him, cos at the moment he doens’t change at all.
  
  Your characters were good, unique – though there were too many of them, and I didn’t identify with any of them or go on a journey with them, which is what the protagonist should do – take the audience on a journey of self development.
  
  So I’d say loose some minor characters and develop the roles of the main characters.
  
  Structure:
  You’ve got most of the act breaks and so forth, the main problem being they don’t fed into a particular characters arc. They’re more the arc of the story at the moment, if you see what I mean. Link the act breaks etc to the protagonist more emotionally, so it’s his story, not just a story.
  
  
  Dialogue:
  Superb, wondrous stuff. Sadly you’ll probably have to cut up to half of it. I loved it, but I think a modern audience would have a hard time following it. Also, one drawback of having this type of dialogue is it makes it hard to use the dialogue to develop character, and much of it sounds very similar. But your really have a silver tongue – I am floored by it.
  
  Overall:
  I loved it, but have concerns about the commercial potential. The dialogue is great, though it needs to be cut severely. The plotting and set up is also great , but needs simplification. You action/description needs lots of work – one line per shot, more white space. Make it clearer, more concise and more cinematic (it was more so toward the end but until then it read very much like a stage play). You need to loose maybe half of the characters, simplify the plot and introduce some real character arcs for the protagonist and possible other characters too. I think you also need to think about the theme of your script – what’s the underlying question/message, and introduce some imagery (you’ve got potential with the storm / upsetting natural order etc) A lot of work, yes, but if you do that successfully – and you can, given what I’ve read, then you’ll really have something.
  
  I hope this review doesn’t sound harsh, because I really enjoyed it and was astounded by your word skill and plotting (which did come from the characters, so in that respect they succeeded – they only failed in their absence of arcs). You’ve got an amazing imagination and I really hope you continue this project as I’d love to see it up there one day.
  
  PS One last thought – to make it more commercially accessib;e. Could you make it post modern in some way – make it a knowing take ofn Shakespeare but adding something new. EG I’m talking about “A Princess Bride” and how it lampooned but at the same time lived up to the fantasy genre – though it was a comedy and I can se you don’t want to go that way. At one point – crazy idea – I thought when reading one of Thalia’s song – make it into a musical!
  
  I also wasn’t sure that I saw it reflecting current global and political themes unless yo meant that in the widest possible way (ie eternal fight for power etc)
  
  Finally, well done on an amazing achievement. You really are a fantastic word smith and though it was hard at times, I really enjoyed reading this script. Thank you read
• 
  Kingdom Come
  A review of Kingdom Come
  by Susan P. on 10/31/2008
  Hello John, I admire what you set out to do and I believe you have the basis for a good script. I've offered you detailed review points hereunder for the first 20 odd pages. Doing this should give you material to then work through the rest of the script with. I start with 3 issues that I think are critical to the improvement of the SP. Storyline and a clear protagonist interlinked... Hello John, I admire what you set out to do and I believe you have the basis for a good script. I've offered you detailed review points hereunder for the first 20 odd pages. Doing this should give you material to then work through the rest of the script with.
  
  I start with 3 issues that I think are critical to the improvement of the SP. Storyline and a clear protagonist interlinked with sound structure is crucial to a good screenplay and I would recommend you look at these areas. I hope my notes may assist your process. All the very best with it.
  
  THREE BROAD SCRIPT ISSUES:
  
  1. There is no clear protagonist and not having that is problematic on many levels. Do you know the Cadfael series? (If not, any historical film will do) In that Brother Cadfael serves as the key figure and he is key to the storyline as soon as the first murder occurs. I couldn’t connect with any one person in your story. I got to page 33 and thought, what was the inciting incident, what was the turning point, was it Peregrine having failed his duty? But not having a clear protagonist meant that as the story got into thicker and thicker war scenes and issues, I had no anchor to really make sense of it all. Yes, I understood the battle between opposing forces of course, but who am I supposed to be rallying for or want to succeed? The audience needs a clear individual with whom they can make a connection. If it is Donato then we need to see him in virtually each and every scene. When Peregrine and son come to him on the battlefield, we need to know that from HIS perspective. We need him being carried into the town and what he experiences from his perspective and not the lives and issues of so many others. He could be lying there hearing debates around him that tell important aspects of story.
  However, your logline suggests Magnus is the anatagonist.
  
  2. The language is often prohibitive. This was a major issue for this script. At times, the language is so thick and winding that the meaning isn’t clear. I had to read and re-read some of the longer speeches to really absorb their intent. In my minds-eye I could see the action and I think the action is clear, but, I can imagine relying more on the action as a guide than really listening to the dialogues. Without some exceptions, your best dialogue sections were the shorter pieces – the one to two lines.
  
  3. You need to be very careful of pages like 22 where you have really long speeches and no action. A reader for a producer is likely to look at that and think – heck! You use words like “expostulation”. You laden down the sentences with thick wording. Instead of this:
  
  Foremost to Eaton, where you will broadcast, with casual discourse, amongst fellows of unsocial bearing, the whereabouts and condition of the Newcastle Prince.
  
  Why not just:
  
  Foremost to Eaton, where you will broadcast the whereabouts and condition of the Newcastle Prince.
  
  The latter tells the key issue in half the space. I accept you want to apply the discoursive language of the period but you are trading off ease of reading and moving through the work quickly for that and it’s not a good selling point for the work. I would recommend you lighten your language flow significantly throughout the work. By all means keep the flavour, but remove the laborious tracts because they don’t aid enjoyment and flow. In addition, asking at the end of that long speech “are you apt” seems a little odd when the beginning of the speech has a command.
  
  DETAILED COMMENTS:
  
  STRUCTURE/PLOT
  
  Just on first page I am a little confused about structure. You commence with a fierce battle in play. Then you say two men lead a battle. Leading usually assumed pre-battle. IN the melee of battle you wouldn’t know who was leading.
  
  I liked the structure of the scavengers finding Donato and carrying him off.
  
  At page 6 I am assuming Roxbury’s King is more for Eaton. I know in those times that towns often had swinging loyalties however. Perhaps you could make this point a little clearer when Peregrine mentions taking Donato to the king.
  
  I’m on page 8 and although I quite like the story flow, I’m wondering who the protagonist actually is.
  
  You’ve got almost a full minute of dialogue between when Aurick is seen and he is with them. I would shorten that.
  
  Page 12. You have Aurick suggesting neutrality there even while admitting “brother-nation” Eaton. I would look at these issues.
  
  I’m not sure it was worth bringing Vespera back there on page 13 but that may be a matter of taste.
  
  Page 15. You refer again to Thalia’s maidens. I had forgotten them. What have they been doing for the last few pages?
  
  You’re suggesting page 16 that Olympia has devotion to Donato. I’m wondering how she had known him previously.
  
  Page 18. The mention of these two characters seems to have come out of nowhere and I wonder if its adding anything to the key plot line:
  “...Where upon Masters Duncan and Fairbanks did employ themselves onto Eaton’s keep.”
  
  Page 19. This overlaps with dialogue but you need to be careful of repeating issues already known e.g “Mistress Thalia, friend and handmaiden
  to Princess Olympia…” We already know these things so why repeat them. I actually wonder about much of that dialogue page 19 and what point it really offers.
  
  Page 23. Were Peregrine and son squires to begin with? I didn’t think that before. I wonder, once again, about the purpose of all this page.
  
  Page 24. How much time has transpired here??
  
  Page 25. At this point you’re really losing me. The speeches are so very long and I have NO idea where Magnus is. There is no clear cut protagonist so I’m not connecting with any one person who is pulling me through the story.
  
  
  
  
  DIALOGUE
  
  One of the issues that first struck me was the narrator’s voice. This may be an interesting discussion point but I feel the narrator serves as a conduit and is there to guide the audience through the story; to help them understand anything that may be difficult, to guide connections and to perhaps offer a little back story if really necessary. To that end I found the narration wording thick and difficult.
  
  Page 2. I like this following speech but I wouldn’t have “as if” here. “Blast it! Rigor holds fast its steady prize, as if heaven welcomes a bloody blade.”
  
  You need to be wary in such language of potentially confusing who is being addressed. Since father and son are talking then I would make it clear that Aeneas is bending over the corpse and talking to its face. “Thy anchor no longer binds thy soul”
  
  The next speech of Peregrine’s is very long and confusing. I’m battling to understand the key point of it against the action of taking materials from the dead. Then you have a simple “aye, father” which seems so slight for the speech and then an even longer speech from Peregrine. He’s asking Aeneas to look down at a corpse but I am having to read and re-read to understand what he is actually saying.
  
  Page 5. I understand the concept of “twice sold” but not so much the grain being discussed .
  
  Page 6. I understand “sequester” but for the sake of audience, why NOT just say “go” – “and sequester into my bedchambers,”
  
  Page 7. What were the THREE tries? – “Three tries, Milady, and reject but one.”
  
  Page 8. The “Of course” sounded flat there. “It may be your undoing” or similar would seem more appropriate – some minor form of warning or prediction. Now, the dialogue sort of goes in that direction but I felt it all went a little too long.
  
  Page 9. Thalia’s first speech sounds awkward. The last piece would be a separate sentence but perhaps do without that and have Olympia interrupt. Now O’s first speech there is pretty good but “his daughter’s services..” doesn’t sound right and again, we are moving into a partial repetition of what has come before.
  
  Page 9. How would Aurick know this when he seems to have been so far away when the issue happened? I feel this is a little awkward: “such common disruption is far beneath your Highness to offer thy acquaintance.”
  
  Page 11. Would he say this, or, would he more likely ask how they came upon Donato? “Who are you that you should come to the aid of an embattled Newcastle Royal?”
  Peregrine’s response is good and would lend to the question I suggest.
  
  Page 12. Two good speeches there at the top.
  
  Page 14. “dogmatism”?
  
  Page 18. The long Olympia speech I understand. The “As such, Newcastle..” sounds a bit too explanatory for the context. Like she’s filling in back story for the audience. I think you need to soften that and certainly remove “as such” which immediately pulls it into explanation.
  
  CHARACTERISATION
  
  Does Peregrine belong to one of the armies?
  
  Page 5. Give Thalia an age. I liked her Holmes style sleuthing here.
  
  Page 7 end. Thalia is very presumptuous and risky on her last comment here. Despite being chided she also continues this over page. To call someone in a higher station of life (page 8) hopeless and lovesick, would be a liberty but an excusable liberty. I feel the “fool” goes too far.
  
  Page 10. This both a speech and a character issue. Would she not offer any apology as a matter of form? Even if that apology was strained? In place of “Sir Lord Aurick, Captain of Roxbury, I prize my servitude above all else, humbly and graciously forever more.”
  
  ACTION/DESCRIPTION
  
  Page 1. Just watch writing in unfilmables e.g. “…skilful in warfare” as how can that be actually seen or filmed? Leading an army of itself may suggest that and is enough.
  
  Page 1. You have soldiers rallying to ward off an army that is fleeing. What are they warding off if the army is running away?
  
  It is also very unusual that Donato isn’t noticed. As a Prince he would normally wear slightly distinctive clothing and his captains/sergeants etc would immediately look for his presence.
  
  I doubt, given her status, that Olympia would move to lift Donato page 15.
  
  Page 20. When you have action descriptions you need to start a new paragraph for each camera ’move’. I have indicated roughly below where this would be in the current wording but you could change this. Have Aurick with his King at the outset for example.
  
  Magnus receives his report from Mycroft, the Physician. [Aurick stands with his King, [while Peregrine awaits his audience with Royalty. [A large oil-portrait of the late QUEEN ANGELINE is prominently displayed, ever-present, ever watchful.
  
  TECHNICALS/GRAMMAR/SPELLING
  
  Page 1. Spelling on “skilful”
  
  No need to use the (CONTINUED) on the bottom of pages.
  
  Page 3. No need for capital “R” on “royal”
  
  Not sure about your slugs re “establishing shot” which sounds more like a camera direction.
  
  What is a “produce man” specifically page 4?
  
  Not usual to have page numbers top and bottom of pages tho that didn’t worry me per se.
  
  Page 5 bottom – don’t use (MORE) like that. Just allow the speech to go over the page, or, use ellipses if there is a pause. I feel that speech is too long. I would leave it just as it is page 5 and not have most of page 6’s top speech.
  
  Page 8 “ignoring Thalia who curtsies to Olympia’s side.” To or “at”.
  
  Page 10. Remove the word “so”? “gravely so injured, sir.”
  
  Page 20. “Magnus receives his report” “a” report I think.
  
  Page 20. This is unfilmable “prominently displayed, ever-present, ever watchful.”
  
  Page 24. Where is Magnus speaking from. Is it a V.O.? How much time has transpired here?? read