Reviews of Lack of Direction 10

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  9 Suggestions
  A review of Lack of Direction
  by meiningen on 09/07/2011
  pg 2 When Danny says to himself "What the hell happened" I think 1) he doesn't know and 2) the question will be answered. Neither is true. But its a great chance for him to reveal what kind of person he is from his own point of view. I would like to see that. pg 6 When Danny says "Oy!" I assume he's from England. pg 5-20 There's no indication that Elly is attracted to... pg 2
  When Danny says to himself "What the hell happened" I think 1) he doesn't know and 2) the question will be answered. Neither is true. But its a great chance for him to reveal what kind of person he is from his own point of view. I would like to see that.
  
  pg 6
  When Danny says "Oy!" I assume he's from England.
  
  pg 5-20
  There's no indication that Elly is attracted to Danny but she invites him to her house and answers the door wearing no pants. She must have fallen for him hard and fast on pg 5 but I need to see it and I would like it even more if she falls for him because of something he does or says instead of what he looks like.
  
  pg 28-31
  We meet three new characters that are never seen again, we learn nothing new about Danny and none of the action moves the story forward. Cut this scene, you don't need it.
  
  pg 35 and 50
  Danny's never been abroad and most people in LA don't recognize him but the hotel night manager in London recognizes him and knows his room number - that didn't ring true for me.
  
  pg 63
  I had to look up "Council Estate". It sounds like a good thing if you are unfamiliar. Danny would be accustomed to "Government Housing" or simply "The Projects".
  
  pg 76
  I would like to see Elly typing out and sending her text just before Danny enters.
  
  pg 87
  Those interviews include more talk about the movie; cut the line "I think that's all"
  
  ending
  Making it to the premiere didn't seem important to Elly until the last page so missing it doesn't carry much weight. Establish the importance of being at the premiere earlier in the story and reinforce it a few times.
  
  I hope this doesn't come across as unkind. I do respect the self-discipline, courage and focus it takes to write. Thank you for sharing your screenplay. I hope my remarks can be of some use. read
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  A Satire on the Filmmaking, or a simple love story?
  A review of Lack of Direction
  by steves on 08/30/2011
  I initially thought/ hoped A Lack of Direction would be a satire in the mould of Swimming With Sharks- with darkness and edge, but I was disappointed to find that it was a bog standard cheesy romance. That’s its ‘Lack of Direction’. It is overall an enjoyable enough read- but it’s let down by clichéd characters and plot; and the lead character Danny, isn’t particularly likable-... I initially thought/ hoped A Lack of Direction would be a satire in the mould of Swimming With Sharks- with darkness and edge, but I was disappointed to find that it was a bog standard cheesy romance. That’s its ‘Lack of Direction’.
  
  It is overall an enjoyable enough read- but it’s let down by clichéd characters and plot; and the lead character Danny, isn’t particularly likable- and is cocky, spoilt and arrogant- and we’re meant to empathize with him? We only ever see one side of him, and never get any deeper, and he‘s never really tested- yes, he becomes more charming when he meets Elly- but he doesn’t really change.
  
  Likewise the character of Elly is a stereotype (As is Lev as the archetypal Hollywood producer/ Agent.); a hip, hard as nail’s (at least at first), and creatively aloof girl. (she just lets him have the script and make the film! And he doesn’t even tell her about the trip, and if she’d like to come- he just buys her the ticket!) She‘s very attractive and appealing, to both men and women; but she isn’t very realistic- and we never really get to the bottom of- or beneath the surface with her. And things just happen for both characters, like they do in these kinds of films (Coincidence/ Chance?) Maybe it would have been better if he’d spent some time in the beginning, tracking her down- and that was a part of the film. It’s all a bit too easy. You know from the beginning where it will end; they will get together, and the film will be finished- but something will stand in their way. And the ex- boyfriend element isn’t that strong an obstacle.
  
  Other points: I liked the ‘Football’ element- but at times it felt a bit too American, coming from an English girl (Line Judge, not Linesman.) And when they were in London, it suddenly went all Stereotypical English Football Fan and all ‘Green Street’. Once again; it lacks authenticity, and original characters- but this is hard to do.
  
  I liked the title ‘London Underground’ for the name of the film he was making- and maybe that should be the name of the script. But we learn very little about the film he’s making (Something about a Bank Robbery?) But shouldn’t we know more? Especially if it’s so good!
  
  The unresolved ending- although good, felt a bit ‘Lost In Translation’, and trying too hard to be ‘Indie‘- to satisfy a another crowd. But in such an unremarkable script, surely a more conventional ending would be better?
  
  Sorry to be harsh; I know how difficult it is, and I respect the ambition of the piece.
  read
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  Lack of Direction Review
  A review of Lack of Direction
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 08/21/2011
  I am probably not the best person to review this screenplay, but thought I’d give it a read to see if I would eventually read a unique take on a story set within the film industry. However, this just lacked everything like any other movie in this sub genre. I think this is the hardest genre to write and also extremely hard to make it appealing to an audience.I don’t know the... I am probably not the best person to review this screenplay, but thought I’d give it a read to see if I would eventually read a unique take on a story set within the film industry. However, this just lacked everything like any other movie in this sub genre. I think this is the hardest genre to write and also extremely hard to make it appealing to an audience.I don’t know the writer’s history and uncertain of how much of this is drawn from personal experience and how much is what you have seen from other movies.
  
  Half the story is about the writer and director and then suddenly the second half they are shooting the film in London? Also, the director's agent can get the money to shoot the film from grants. All of this just seemed to flow too smoothly and not much conflict at stake with any of the characters.
  
  I am not certain why Elly is mad with Danny when he returns the legal pad. And also even more baffled as to why a montage follows that scene?
  
  Nothing really much happens. Even the conversations don’t move the story anywhere. There seems to be the odd grant talk for the film and then they are shooting the movie and then Danny is famous?
  
  Not certain that the lesson in football/soccer works. Don’t Americans play soccer in high school in LA?
  
  I think your audience would want Danny and Elly together. To end a film on a montage sequence isn't really a strong ending.
  
  Overall, I thought your characters were poor and didn't really much care for them. The structure was very weak and needs to be restructured. The story does not involve any conflict other than Danny jealous of Elly. read
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  Feels like 3/4 of a Screenplay
  A review of Lack of Direction
  by annethompson on 08/19/2011
  I thought it was overall a good baseline - but (and I am paraphrasing some of the other reviewers here) it didnt feel like the story was fully 'baked'. The main character needs something to cause them to have to make a decision or take action, and therefore move the story forward. While there were situations that needed to be dealt with, I think those need to be reworked... I thought it was overall a good baseline - but (and I am paraphrasing some of the other reviewers here) it didnt feel like the story was fully 'baked'. The main character needs something to cause them to have to make a decision or take action, and therefore move the story forward. While there were situations that needed to be dealt with, I think those need to be reworked so there is more movement in the story. I'd like to have seen more with the screenplay development itself. In your intro above you describe Elly as 'his muse personified', but it came across more like 'someone with a story idea'. I would think there would be a lot of area to expand this, just make sure your focus is clear. Whats it really about? Is it a filmaker/writer & their muse? A man/woman and their love story? The intertwining of those 2 things and how it impacts him/her? There would be a lot of good material/situations that you could bring out with any of those. Recheck your spelling/formatting - I only saw a few, but they really do break the reader out of the world you want them to stay in. Esp. the scene breaks, they should stay in the same format.
  
  Good Luck. read
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  "Love, Actually" meets "The Big Picture"
  A review of Lack of Direction
  by sengland on 08/14/2011
  We are new to TriggerStreet. Here are the things we like about the movie: It keeps you reading. From the moment of the first scene, we were impressed with the style of your writing, namely, the scene description and the pace. We don’t know if it was intentional, if so, bravo. Your movie and the movie in the story don’t have endings. You leave Elly just how she left HER characters... We are new to TriggerStreet.
  
  Here are the things we like about the movie: It keeps you reading. From the moment of the first scene, we were impressed with the style of your writing, namely, the scene description and the pace.
  
  We don’t know if it was intentional, if so, bravo. Your movie and the movie in the story don’t have endings. You leave Elly just how she left HER characters in HER screenplay. We thought it was clever.
  
  We liked the character of Levi. As we acted out the parts, we found that a lot of his lines were pretty funny.
  
  However….. We started reading this thinking it was Comedy/Drama. When we realized that this is in fact a Romantic Comedy, the first thing to jump out was Danny. In the beginning he was hardly the character that we saw later on. He was fresh from a meltdown and then all of a sudden, got ga-ga all over some girl. She was cute and bubbly and all, what’s not to like about a girl like Elly, but it just seemed like it all happened too fast. He strikes gold by picking up her movie idea, but what’s their relationship really about? There is no depth to it. They start out writing out her idea and then, BAM, they’re in England…He’s shooting the movie….little mention of the oh-so-awesome movie and the next thing we know, they have a spat that threatens their relationship, because some putz says that “hey, see that guy over there? She and him used to be a couple. See his arm around her?” This is enough to send Danny into a jealous tirade. At the bottom of page 70 they are actually SCREAMING at each other. Little attempts to reconcile were done over text messages. The dual scenes with Elly and her mother as well as Danny and his sister were well done, but it didn’t add to the story. If anything, it seemed to just fill gaps. We liked the sister dialogue and there should have been more of her.
  
  We think that this is can be a really good story to read once you develop the story more. We read through it very quickly. The pace was wonderful, but then it just fizzled out. read
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  Lacking Direction
  A review of Lack of Direction
  by uLindokuhle on 08/14/2011
  You are a very capable writer. I liked your dailogue and your style. There were some structural problems but here is my biggest issue; you didn't have a story. I felt like you had an idea but you just didn't have a story. Think about good movies, if you breakdown the plot, you discover that there is a songle concept, idea or event that sets the action in motion. Everything... You are a very capable writer. I liked your dailogue and your style. There were some structural problems but here is my
  biggest issue; you didn't have a story.
  
  I felt like you had an idea but you just didn't have a story. Think about good movies, if you breakdown the plot,
  you discover that there is a songle concept, idea or event that sets the action in motion. Everything that happens beyond
  that pivot point is a result of it. Your screenplay didn't have that. It went know where and the ending was cinfusing. What
  did they get back together? Because she was going back for Danny right? But did her missing the premier ruin their chances?
  And what was the fight about? It couldn't have been because a friend kissed her on the cheek.
  
  Some things can be fixed but, and I'm notr saying this to be vicious, you should consider a major overhaul. You have the
  talent and hopefully you'll understand my issues.
  
  Goodluck! read
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  review
  A review of Lack of Direction
  by Russell Corey on 08/14/2011
  Movies about making movies are dicey scripts to write. But then again most scripts are long shots anyway. I just don’t think there is enough drama here to make the story work. Do I have any advice to take this script to another level? Not really. It would have to be so amped up that it would be a completely different story. For example, it can’t just be this hipster Brit... Movies about making movies are dicey scripts to write. But then again most scripts are long shots anyway. I just don’t think there is enough drama here to make the story work. Do I have any advice to take this script to another level? Not really. It would have to be so amped up that it would be a completely different story.
  
  For example, it can’t just be this hipster Brit that helps the director. It would have to be a serial killer, assassin, real witch, spy…something over the top. That’s who he would have to work with, something that created conflict and drama enough to grab the attention of an audience.
  
  Of course that is a whole different movie and a bit hacky and Hollywood, but that’s why that stuff works. Is it realist? No.
  
  I didn’t really care for Danny. I wasn’t really pulling for this guy. He wasn’t terrible, but he wasn’t all that interesting or sympathetic. Why did I care that he made his movie? More money, fame and power for him?
  
  Elly wasn’t bad, but again, I don’t think she had the dramtic heft to capture an audience.
  
  I do like at the end where he is deported from England and can’t finish his film. That’s conflict and drama. Although it is settled pretty painlessly as he’s infomed 2nd unit is just finishing things up. Of course he can’t see Elly either and I guess is the main point of him being kicked out.
  
  I like that Elly doesn’t show up at the end and it avoids the Hollywood ending.
  
  If I take anything from this script for myself it is, don’t be afraid to amp up the drama. Add conflict. Give the reader something to turn the page for. read
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  No direction in No Direction
  A review of Lack of Direction
  by Gordon Gekko on 08/13/2011
  In no particular order: -Spelling, grammar and over all mechanics were good. -Character development was decent for the main characters but for the secondary characters it lacked. I was involved enough in your two main characters to care what happened to them, but for the secondary characters I was not. - Descriptions were succinct and easy to read. I enjoy stuff like: he... In no particular order:
  
  -Spelling, grammar and over all mechanics were good.
  
  -Character development was decent for the main characters but for the secondary characters it lacked. I was involved enough in your two main characters to care what happened to them, but for the secondary characters I was not.
  
  - Descriptions were succinct and easy to read. I enjoy stuff like: he shields his eyes from the massive glare, but eventually, he just stands there, the morning light engulfing him.
  
  - Dialogue overall was relatively good, although I had a few issues with it here and there. I thought the dual conversation sequence on page 74 was very good.
  
  However, a script can have all these things and still be a mediocre script.
  
  Do I think that this is a mediocre script? I think it is average.
  
  Do I think it could be a good script? Yes. I think you have talent as a writer, and you could transform it. But as it is, it has a ‘slapped together at the last minute’ feel to it and in my mind it needs work. Certainly the ending felt slapped together, no question.
  
  An example of what has got to be rushed writing is this nonsensical sequence of dialogue:
  
  DANNY: You can sell it?
  LEVI: Two who? No one’ll touch you after that clusterfuck, found that out pretty quick.
  DANNY So what now?
  LEVI If you let me get a word in edgewise, that’s why you got the very best. We got options, alright?
  DANNY Like what?
  LEVI Easiest one is just sell it, straight up
  
  Or this ill conceived plot element:
  
  Levi opens his briefcase and hurls newspapers and gossip rags at Danny, all of them with headlines about his arrest.
  
  This of course would be impossible as the arrest we are talking about only occurred the previous night.
  
  Here’s another gaff:
  
  Elly looks to she’s only wearing a tattered, oversized Sex Pistols sweatshirt that reaches almost to her knees. She rolls her eyes.
  
  Obviously that sentence needs an edit.
  
  
  As I finished up with this script I found myself saying, “Argh! Did I just read a script about a B movie Ed Wood-style director who nobody in their right mind wanted to work with (except for the diehard Levi), who makes a movie in Germany, no wait Britain, but ends up not completing it because he gets in a fight at a football game and gets deported before its finished, but still manages to get credit for it, winning the coveted Oscar and becoming an instant Hollywood hero thus recapturing the heart of his transplanted Brit girlfriend who hated him a few scenes earlier but now loves him again because of his cryptic message that somehow got played on British television and of course now she must be with him so she hops on a flight to LA or does she? I think she misses it, oh I don’t know... Egad!”
  
  
  The big irony for me is that this script is titled ‘No Direction’ and the script itself clearly has little direction, or at the very least it lacks any meaningful direction.
  
  And the reason it lacks any meaningful direction in my mind is that it is too short. It is too short to contain the degree of story development necessary to give it direction. To that criticism one could say, but it is 91 pages? Yes, but is it really?
  
  Your formatting has created the illusion of length where the reality is something completely different. The spaces between your descriptions are for the most part unnecessary. If two action elements are related enough to be in the same paragraph then they should be. Spaces take up a lot of ‘space’ in a script; I would guess that without all those spaces your script would be in neighborhood of 60 pages.
  
  An example of what I am talking about:
  
  A FEW HOURS LATER:
  
  Danny wakes up and yawns, rubbing his eyes.
  
  His stomach rumbles.
  
  He takes a glance at the clock.
  
  It reads "1:30 P.M."
  
  He swings his legs off the futon, stands up, and walks over to the tiny kitchen.
  
  Faux wood cabinets littered with pockmarks are the norm.
  
  Danny swings open one of the cabinets.
  
  Empty.
  
  Danny rolls his eyes.
  
  He walks back to the futon and lays down again.
  
  He flips on a basketball game, picks up a magazine.
  
  Danny’s phone begins to vibrate from somewhere within the futon.
  
  
  This is my quick fix:
  
  Danny wakes up, yawns, rubs his eyes. His stomach is rumbling. He takes a glance at the clock. It reads, “1:30 P.M.” He swings his legs off the futon, stands up and walks over to the tiny kitchen, a pockmarked faux cabinet disaster area. (or whatever)
  
  He swings open one of the cabinet doors. Empty.
  
  He walks back to the futon and lies down again. He flips on a basketball game, picks up a magazine. His phone vibrates from within the futon.
  
  
  There you go: one fifth of a page instead of half a page. Big difference. You can disagree with me of course, and say that stylistically you intended it to be exactly the way it was, and that is your right, but in that case, the script surely must be longer to compensate for all those spaces.
  
  Improving this script really only demands two things:
  
  1)get rid of all those spaces.
  2)develop the story more.
  
  I joked flippantly that all this crazy stuff was going on and I was left to scream “Argh!” but the reality is, not ENOUGH is going on. The story doesn’t have enough meat in it to make me care all that much about its outcome. Like I said, I did care about your main characters to some degree, but I don’t care about their predicament, and broken record or not, that is because the story they are embroiled in is not developed enough - not interesting enough. Make your characters MORE embroiled in your story. Develop the character of Nick more for example. I have no idea why Elly would want anything to do with the guy apart from that they have a history. Make him do something; make him a legitimate concern for Danny. And when he’s done something noteworthy let him plant a kiss on Elly’s lips for crying out loud. Do we care if they have a kiss on the cheek? I certainly don’t. As it is I have no idea why he would matter in the slightest to anybody, let alone Danny or Elly.
  
  I hope you see through the ruthlessness of this review and realize that even though I am harsh in my criticism I do see potential in your script. Obviously you can write, that is plain to see, so the sky is the limit really. Get back at it. Or don’t, it’s up to you naturally.
  
  There is a lot more I could say about this script, but I think I’ll leave it at that.
  
  Good luck on the rework, if you decide to go down that path.
  read
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  Review
  A review of Lack of Direction
  by sedawson4 on 08/10/2011
  This was an interesting and quick read, but I think you can have a LOT more fun with it! Maybe read the Tropic Thunder script to get a better idea of just how crazy you can make hollywood characters in the movie-within-a-movie idea? A character like Les Grossman becomes an instant, hilarious classic... no reason why you can't make Levi more like him. Make Danny more meaty,... This was an interesting and quick read, but I think you can have a LOT more fun with it! Maybe read the Tropic Thunder script to get a better idea of just how crazy you can make hollywood characters in the movie-within-a-movie idea? A character like Les Grossman becomes an instant, hilarious classic... no reason why you can't make Levi more like him. Make Danny more meaty, give him a real personality. Imagine him as Tarantino, or something!
  
  Anyway, the Danny and Elly love story is great. I buy them as a couple, I buy their struggles. I buy the jealousy and their interactions. They come off normal and pretty cute at times. I think in general you can shorten the description lines-- it's easy to read when it's written one line at a time, but sometimes I felt like 3 pages of story could be condensed into one. Example: the beginning when we're introduced to Danny (and his situation) could be shortened to probably 1.5 pages with quick montages. I noticed you used dashes after a lot of lines in situations where a period or exclamation can be used. I know you want these lines to kind of overlap (especially during Danny/Elly's argument on pg. 70/71), but that will happen naturally when the actors are reading the scene. Also pgs 54-56 I especially found a lot of Elly's lines could have ended with a period. It's fine to use "--" and "..." after lines, I just thought you relied on it a little too heavily at times.
  
  Things I liked:
  Pg. 4: "I'm thinking of writing." "The fuck?" --funny line
  Pg. 12: Elly getting really angry about Danny reading her work was an interesting hook. Maybe let the audience know a bit more about this?
  Pg. 23: "Good luck, Hollywood." - cute
  Pg. 32-33: I liked the pub scene, it felt natural.
  Pg. 70: "He's got a right to know." -- Know what? Intriguing!
  
  It's obvious you have a young writer's flair which is key in Hollywood these days. So, USE IT and keep writing! read
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  Lack of development
  A review of Lack of Direction
  by bradthebloke on 08/08/2011
  first off, congrats on finishing your script. I didnt see any grammar errors or typos. I did notice that more then one character said the phrase, "Oy". I assume thats a typical hello? My problem with the story was i felt Danny had no character development. We are supposed to care what happens to the main characters in movies and I found myself apathetic towards Danny's... first off, congrats on finishing your script. I didnt see any grammar errors or typos. I did notice that more then one character said the phrase, "Oy". I assume thats a typical hello? My problem with the story was i felt Danny had no character development. We are supposed to care what happens to the main characters in movies and I found myself apathetic towards Danny's plight. Who is he? How did he get into the business? what are his hopes or dreams? Its hard to believe that a guy who has everything riding on a movie would be dumb enough to get him kicked out of the country permanently. At least Elly had some background, though not much. I can also tell you must be an avid soccer fan. I felt there was too much emphasis on the sport for the average movie goer who isnt. On the bright side, I did think you had good tension between Danny and Elly at the soccer game and I could definitely relate to him getting upset watching her get comfy with the ex. So that was nicely done. Well, good luck, just my two cents. Hope my review helps. read