Reviews of LOST AT SEA 54

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  Love In The Time Of Music
  A review of LOST AT SEA
  by Margarita Nikolayevna on 11/24/2007
  I love your screenplay, I love the characters, the dialogues and the storyline. One of my favorite scenes is the discussion about Violet’s period at the commune dining room… sorry I meant community :o) I was bothered by one thing, I didn’t felt a true connection between Violet and Paul because the lack of scenes that binds them together. Paul falling for Violet seems all of... I love your screenplay, I love the characters, the dialogues and the storyline. One of my favorite scenes is the discussion about Violet’s period at the commune dining room… sorry I meant community :o)
  I was bothered by one thing, I didn’t felt a true connection between Violet and Paul because the lack of scenes that binds them together. Paul falling for Violet seems all of a sadden… I would remove the Rudy charter (for me he doesn’t add much to the story, actually the scenes with Rudy felt out of place) and use that extra time to add more interactions between Paul and Violet, then end the movie with the Sidewalk scene on page 119. Something like the end of The Burbs with Tom Hunks, Paul and Violet in each other’s arms, and are not bothered with all the commotion surrounding them.
  Great screenplay, I wish you good luck and hope to see it on the big screen. read
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  Problems at Sea
  A review of LOST AT SEA
  by joecole on 11/14/2007
  I must disclose that I am not a fan of romantic comedies. That being said I feel that Lost at Sea is a well written story that is in need of some serious editing in order to tighten things up. 119 pages is way to long for the story you are telling. An area that you can look to work on is Rudy and Violet. Right now it only slows down your pace. Here are some notes. -page... I must disclose that I am not a fan of romantic comedies. That being said I feel that Lost at Sea is a well written story that is in need of some serious editing in order to tighten things up. 119 pages is way to long for the story you are telling.
  
  An area that you can look to work on is Rudy and Violet. Right now it only slows down your pace.
  
  Here are some notes.
  
  -page 9 Paul talking about Minions groveling? Should be (v.o.)
  
  violet passing the old timers. Think you can cut.
  
  also the coat check scene
  
  14-18 we don't see Paul. Thing you should shorten this section with violet. Edit it a lot especially her conversation with Rudy.
  
  thought Helmut was fun, how he acted and his dialogue. Good job.
  
  23. The Tweedy senior speech about Violet's dad feels like forced exposition. Look into it. Have here clear the gravestone and show her fathers grave. Here lies, beloved husband, father. The audience would understand that it's her dad.
  
  I stopped doing notes at the end of the first act because I was only criticizing you and not giving any real constructive feedback. So the only advice I can give you is enter scenes later, leave scenes earlier. Edit your dialogue, try and have the conversations be more organic. read
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  Good but needs some polish
  A review of LOST AT SEA
  by James Cremin on 11/11/2007
  I've been playing around an idea for a fictional band and decided to check this one out. The high concept for the eighties from what I remember it was the music videos were beginning to come out. The album cover for Lost in Sea would have made very topical if the band actually sang for the video. Also, I would haved loved to have seen more interaction with the band members... I've been playing around an idea for a fictional band and decided to check this one out. The high concept for the eighties from what I remember it was the music videos were beginning to come out. The album cover for Lost in Sea would have made very topical if the band actually sang for the video. Also, I would haved loved to have seen more interaction with the band members.
  
  Dean would have been perfect to put conflict as so many bands break up with ego issues, something the main character Paul has plenty of. Violet is a funny female lead. She actually can be made a lot funnier. The back story about her dad does help to explain a lot but conflicts as to why she would be working in a bar where musicians hang out. Suggest putting a crazy reason and she'll be good to go.
  
  Helmut could be the co-leader and he would be more interesting if he was.
  
  Generally was a fun read. Too much voice over from the main character. For instance, all is he has to do is play with the arrowhead as she leaves. Nothing needs to be said.
  
  The Clint character cries out to be redeemed somehow. It's better when the characters make changes in the story.
  
  Ruby and Eva are deux ex machinas at the end. They make it too easy for the two leads. I'd like the leads to take responsibility for the happy ending, like talking to the promoter instead of blowing him off for Helmut and Dean to deal with.
  
  Good luck with it. read
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  Lost at Sea.
  A review of LOST AT SEA
  by Dominic.Jenkinson on 11/06/2007
  There is a lot to like about 'Lost at Sea.' A comedy in the vein of 'Sideways' or 'Swingers' in parts. I liked the easy laid back nature. It's not laugh out loud funny throughout. It's not slapstick, there are no real side-splitting scenes, but it's tootles along at a nice pace and builds to a fun conclusion. What I just said in that paragraph is not quite true though, is... There is a lot to like about 'Lost at Sea.' A comedy in the vein of 'Sideways' or 'Swingers' in parts.
  
  I liked the easy laid back nature. It's not laugh out loud funny throughout. It's not slapstick, there are no real side-splitting scenes, but it's tootles along at a nice pace and builds to a fun conclusion.
  
  What I just said in that paragraph is not quite true though, is it? Occasionally, the tone changes. Whether its a tuba on the head, or a water hydrant knocked over, or a near drowning. These scenes seemed to me, like they belonged in another script.
  
  And there is enough material here for two scripts. Take Clint and his lit cigarette in the newspaper vending machine. This is great. A funny little scene. You think, 'this is funny, he's lighting up in a newspaper vending machine.' Then you raise the stakes by having it set the papers alight. Brilliant.
  
  But to what end? There is no need for it, it seems like it's another scene (of many) that is added in to bolster the humour.
  
  I think the humour needs to come from the relationships and interactions of your main characters.
  
  Take the funniest scene in the film. The dining room scene at the commune. I mean Community. This is funny. Why? Because Violet's embarrassment seems real, and we can empathise with her situation. We can see the talking stick and feel Paul's embarrassment.
  
  The story if chopped down to it's basics is simple enough. Things like the arrowhead seemed out of place and unnecessary clutter. I really wanted to get into the characters more. Violet and Paul are where the story should be.
  
  Why does he like her so much? What does he see in her? What is his Kon Tiki interest for? Because he believes he should be doing something more worthy? Maybe... but there seemed too many distractions and lack of focus.
  
  I think that the two elements adding to the lack of focus is all this extraneous info. This is best exemplified in the profusion of characters. It just gets crazy.
  
  Dean, Eric, Vince plus Manager Nestor (how old is he by the way? I saw him as 50 ish?) are needed - but make the boys more different. drop or combine Eva/Robert/Bobby+Jimmy/Eleanor/Lance/
  Clint/Elanor/Alan/Cassie/Raymond/Carol
  Crawford/Dr Clay (not to mention the others... Suzie can become 'coat check girl', Reeves and Seidlmen = 'Record Execs'... if we don't really need to remember them, I wouldn't name them. ie Tweedy Senior...)
  
  When the script opens we jump from Berkley (85) to 6 months prior in Oak Creek to Zurich (same as picture in mag) to a plane, to Frisco to Flood home... so with all these names and characters, it takes a lot to hold on to the story.
  
  I felt that Paul also suffers a bit in all this. I never really got with him or his attitude.
  
  Violet on the other hand is a well written character. Well done.
  
  So after reading this screenplay, I come away with the feeling of maybe reading 2 different stories. I note two authors, I wonder how much that has to do with it?
  
  I'd really like to see a massively trimmed down version. I'm afraid it would probably have to be a page 1 rewrite for me... Rudy probably chopped. And the ending changed. Completely (the boat stuff I mean.)
  
  Does that mean I didn't enjoy it? No. I did enjoy it. I just wanted some of the clever and subtle writing and humour repeated. Now I know everyone says this - but I'll add the caveat - this is just one opinion (a Brits too...) so please feel fee to ignore it.
  
  One thing I can't miss out though is your dialogue. Almost without exception the dialogue is crisp and beautifully and realistically written. Well done.
  
  
  Thanks for an interesting read. I enjoyed it both times...
  
  
  Good luck,
  
  
  DJ.
  
  Notes.
  
  3 - Wondering who's the vocalist?
  4 - Maybe Paul's error, but should it be Finland, not just Helsinki?
  8 - 12 characters so far...
  9 - Paul needs a (V.O)
  10 - Nestor comes in twice?
  14 - Cyd Charisse - not that familiar with her... is she famous in US? Maybe Betty Page?
  19 - Helmut's story of the worm could be funnier - one of those fish that swim up your urethra?
  20 - 21 characters so far...
  23 - roll on your bones? (nods to grave, winks...)
  29 - Volkswagen sp.
  35 - 29 characters...
  30 - Nice reminder of our time period
  35 - Talking sticks - lol. I like this set piece scene.
  38 - Bit early for Violet to assume it's a date?
  38 - Carob cake anyone? This line could be funnier. Needs to top the previous.
  42 - Kon Tiki. this needs to be introduced in a VO earlier - like on the plane 'I can't believe that when I was 15 me and Mike built a replica with our own hands... then the reveal of it doesn't feel so awkward.
  I wish you'd written Helmut with a camp German accent. His scenes and lines need to be killers.
  57 - Dean, Eric, Vince and Nestor helping pull the log would have been the funnier image?
  82 - VO here seems unecessary (for the first time.)
  86 - Paul's offer to quit and spend his life with Violet here seems very sudden. Could it not be a little more subtle? He just wants to stay around town? Violet adds a little realism, but I just don't take Paul for quite the romantic this approach suggests.
  88 - Wouldn't Eric like the cheesy costumes? "These are great!" ??
  97 - I didn't know the KT has an engine?
  118 - Vic Mandrake could be foreshadowed earlier. Make it more believable. It's a (unused) deus ex machina at the mo.
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  LOST AT SEA
  A review of LOST AT SEA
  by DUNCANDREW on 10/23/2007
  I wanted to like LAS. There were so many one-hit-wonder-bands during the eighties that a character like Paul could exist. Unfortunately, Paul doesn't take us on much of a journey, storywise. Paul wandered through the story without a clear objective so I found it difficult to cheer for him. Paul trying to find himself is not compelling. But if Paul wants to "save the band",... I wanted to like LAS. There were so many one-hit-wonder-bands during the eighties that a character like Paul could exist. Unfortunately, Paul doesn't take us on much of a journey, storywise.
  
  Paul wandered through the story without a clear objective so I found it difficult to cheer for him. Paul trying to find himself is not compelling. But if Paul wants to "save the band", "get a record deal for the band","build a functional model of the Kon Tiki", etc., etc., then the story has drive. While the story lacks an objective, it also lacks an antagonist/opponent to that objective.
  
  Romance:
  I wanted to root for Paul and Violet to get together but I don't know why they would get together. How do they fulfill each other romantically? What would happen to these characters if they failed to get together? The romantic stakes need to be raised. Why would a semi-successful musician choose Violet when he could have other women? What makes Violet special? Why would Violet fall for musician? She knows better. What makes Paul special for Violet?
  
  Voiceover:
  Maybe it's a writing style but I don't like the voiceover in place of a window character. The purpose of a window character is allow us to see the changes in the protagonist as the story unfolds - how the events and decisions in the story affect the protagonist.
  
  Comedy:
  A successful comedy should have humor in every, or nearly every scene. I thought the humor was sporadic and distracted from the story in several scenes.
  
  Dialogue:
  Much of the dialogue was exposition about past events, minor characters. A character shouldn't open their mouth unless they want something - love, money, understanding, etc. Agreement is boring. Drama keeps us turning the pages.
  
  Internal emotions:
  The descript should not contain the character's emotions. Show, don't tell through the characters dialogue and, or actions. Don't tell us Violet is nauseous. Show her character vomit or beg to return to shore, etc.
  
  Paul seems a likable character. Give him an objective, an antagonist who prevents him from achieving that objective, a window character to share the journey and develop the romance much deeper.
  
  Good luck with this and other screenplays.
  
  
  
  
  
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  Almost there...
  A review of LOST AT SEA
  by goateeman on 10/17/2007
  First off, I want to let you know that reading this script was a lot of fun. It flowed very, very well, and was actually a very fun read (sadly my first from this site). Just from reading other peoples work I'm beginning to really appreciate someone who obviously took the time and care to work hard on a project and take it as far as they can before posting it. You did a... First off, I want to let you know that reading this script was a lot of fun. It flowed very, very well, and was actually a very fun read (sadly my first from this site). Just from reading other peoples work I'm beginning to really appreciate someone who obviously took the time and care to work hard on a project and take it as far as they can before posting it. You did a great job with structure, story, plot and characters, giving everything a well thought out dynamic that made it feel like a lot was packed into so few pages.
  
  There was one thing that I got the sense of when I read your script, which was good for the initial stage but now needs to be tossed aside: restraint. While reading this I got the sense that you didn't want the script to be self indulgent, that you wanted it to be something that everyone could enjoy, and you wanted it to read like a movie, not just a bunch of scenes you thought were "funny" but didn't add up to much (most of what I've read on here). In doing so you constructed a well developed movie, but in some ways it felt like a lot of what I've seen already.
  
  I don't want you to think that your script is generic, because it's not, but a lot of it misses the flair of something that could really stand out from all the other scripts out there. On page 33 and 34, the discussion they have about Violets menstrual cramps made me laugh out loud it was so funny. It was something that I don't see much, funny, worked well within both the world you created as a whole and in the moment of the script, and it wasn't just plunked into a scene to let it take away from the rest of the film. But although I really enjoyed reading your script, that was one of the few moments like that. So what you need to do is just go through and work on that type of stuff, massaging in things like that... you've got well developed characters and story, so just let them all go a little more. (I'm basically suggesting a "punch up" pass on your script, to use a crude hollywood development term)
  
  Just go through and let your sensibility go a little more... for example, I really enjoyed the character of Rudy Swan (I'm pretty sure who this might be based on), and I though you got that "type" of guy pretty well, but was surprised that he wasn't maybe a little more over the top, a little more out of place in the modern world, a little more idiosyncratic... maybe go through and let him go a little more.
  
  This script reminds me a little bit of the film Just Friends, which is a pretty by-the-numbers kind of film, but has a lot of odd and surprisingly funny stuff for such a safe film that it really turns into something unique and unexpected. Do the same with this script.
  
  I think the biggest change that I have that you should make involves the voiceover. You did such a good job developing the story, and the main character, and showing us instead of just telling us things, that the voiceover is often redundant or adds info that doesn't actually help the story. I say cut that back as much as you can, maybe retaining it as a framing device, or get rid of it all together. It's such a solid script that the voiceover really got in the way of things.
  
  Also, I think the script could have ended with Helmut as the new keyboardist... the ending you have now really doesn't add much, and I think its funnier to end on Helmut, so cut that last bit.
  
  Other than that, I really think you did a great job, and if you're on the fence about rewriting this, my vote is for yes. I hope my review helped, I really hope you keep up with this script, it shows a real knack for scriptwriting. read
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  Lost At Sea
  A review of LOST AT SEA
  by mlambush on 10/15/2007
  CONCEPT -- The concept of a new wave pop star having an existential breakdown is a good one, and is the strongest thing going for this piece. I don't know that you've mined every possibility your concept would allow, but you're starting form a good place. STORY -- We have a pop star called back to his hometown for his brother's wedding, butts heads with his dad and then... CONCEPT -- The concept of a new wave pop star having an existential breakdown is a good one, and is the strongest thing going for this piece. I don't know that you've mined every possibility your concept would allow, but you're starting form a good place.
  
  STORY -- We have a pop star called back to his hometown for his brother's wedding, butts heads with his dad and then ends up living in a hippy commune. There he finds love. I think this is good, but you're a little buried with superfluous characters and subplots. I also think that the ending took a bit too long to reach, and you had a wasted opportunity, IMHO: we've got a band of new wave buccaneers (a la Adam and the Ants) and a yacht that's getting away -- why not have them go after the ship and have the climax of the story be our new wave raiders saving the bonnie lass from the Hugh Heffner wannabe? It felt like we were at the end, and yet it keeps going for 40 more pages.
  
  CHARAcTER -- I liked Paul and Violet and I wish we could spend more time with them, building up their relationship. Helmut was hilarious also.
  
  It feels like there's a little too much going on with other characters. Clint could totally be cut, Robert as well, Mike didn't really register with me, Lance, Vince, Vic, the record Execs, all the hippies at the commune. And the band members are just kinda in the background. Just for efficiency's sake, why not combine Mike with one of the band members? Maybe he and Paul started the band in Paul's garage when they were 13 or something. Also, it may help if some of the characters, the band members in particular, had some cooler names. Dean, Eric, Vince, Paul -- that could describe any group of four guys. These are new wave buccaneers, man! They need rad 80s names. Like Boy George! Adam Ant! Well, you get my drift.
  
  STRUCTURE -- I didn't see the need for the flashback structure or the V.O. I know you wrote this script 4 years ago and that kind of thing was hot, but it seems a little over done in 2007. You need to find a way to cut this piece down, and losing these two things might help.
  
  We had an interesting discussion on the boards about V.O., and generally we decided that V.O. only really works when the V.O. stands in ironic contrast to what's going on in the film. Here, Paul is just describing what we already see. Either rewrite it to be more wry, or just lose it all together
  
  DIALOGUE -- Was good for the most part, but tended to run long in places. I'm thinking about the menstruation scene in general. Picking up the pace and keeping scenes shorter will only help to make your dialogue snappier. And a lot of it is quite good.
  
  OVERALL -- Make sure you always have DAY or NIGHT after your location slugs. YOu should employ Secondary Headings when jumping around in the same master location (i'm thinking the Yacht/Kon Tiki scene). I'd like to see even more 80s in this -- arcades, Rubik's cubes, bad sitcoms. If you're going to have that as the backdrop, then go for it!
  
  Best of luck on future drafts! read
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  Good job
  A review of LOST AT SEA
  by jayforrester on 10/11/2007
  This is a good piece of work. I found it pleasent and original. I really liked the character of Paul and he did seem a little lost in life which hooks up nicely with the title which you obviously intended. There were some errors here and there where I didn´t know what was past or present because it didn´t make it clear as it kept on shifting but a quick going over and that... This is a good piece of work. I found it pleasent and original. I really liked the character of Paul and he did seem a little lost in life which hooks up nicely with the title which you obviously intended. There were some errors here and there where I didn´t know what was past or present because it didn´t make it clear as it kept on shifting but a quick going over and that is easily adjusted. What´s important is that the story is good, the characters are believable and dialouge shines. It´s a good all-rounder. You can obviously tap in to people´s way of thinking and the ending scene is a little bit magic. read
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  Lost at Sea
  A review of LOST AT SEA
  by mdhooks on 10/10/2007
  I liked the story, but there were a few things which were distracting to me. First, I think the narrative Paul gives in the beginning could better be developed through scenes,than told or at least through dialogue within the script. And some of the dialogue could have been shorten. I did like the way the connection between Paul and Violet develops, and perhaps we could see... I liked the story, but there were a few things which were distracting to me. First, I think the narrative Paul gives in the beginning could better be developed through scenes,than told or at least through dialogue within the script. And some of the dialogue could have been shorten. I did like the way the connection between Paul and Violet develops, and perhaps we could see a little more interaction between them, so that when all seems lost between the two, we will be more emotionally involved.
  
  There is also instances of action being stated and not described, such as "Paul has trouble absorbing all this." on page 60, and on Page 64 'Paul is completely enchanted by her.' Just a few examples. I notice because I have a tendency to do the same thing.
  
  I think that Rudy and Eva are a nice subplot which greatly enhances the story. I like the way the story ends, both our main characters have grown. Good job.
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  LOST AT SEA ROM-COM SET IN 1985
  A review of LOST AT SEA
  by Jerry Eugene Sexton on 10/07/2007
  Liked: Good ending with lots happening quickly. Needs: The story itself could have been more substantial. Structure and story development: Nicely worked out. Inciting incident: band being dropped. End of Act I [Paul and Violet get reacquainted] p. 36, a little late in the script though. End Act II: raft sinks, Paul in danger. P. 25: weak scene with Paul, Clint, and Robert... Liked: Good ending with lots happening quickly.
  Needs: The story itself could have been more substantial.
  
  Structure and story development: Nicely worked out.
  Inciting incident: band being dropped.
  End of Act I [Paul and Violet get reacquainted] p. 36, a little late in the script though.
  End Act II: raft sinks, Paul in danger.
  
  P. 25: weak scene with Paul, Clint, and Robert. Could the scene go? Or what exposition is there be done better elsewhere?
  
  Subplots: Main story is Paul's. Main subplot is Paul and Violet. Complementary subplot is Rudy and Elsa. These two subplots played well against each other.
  There could have been stronger obstacles to Paul and Violet getting together.
  
  Theme: Didn't get a strong sense of theme.
  
  Characters: Band members seemed distinct.
  No age given for Slim in character description when he first appears.
  Paul's and Violet's character arcs were satisfying, but felt they could have been stronger.
  Possible confusion of names: Elsa and Eva; Vince and Vic.
  
  Dialogue: P. 32, top, saying hello could be eliminated. Wondered if there could have been more subtext in the dialogue in several places. On-the-nose dialogue is okay in some situations, but it's still better not to use it.
  
  Use of voice-over unifies the script. I wondered what the script would have been like without it though.
  
  Conclusion: Interesting rom-com, structurally sound, but the story could have been stronger. Use of more topical references could have given a better sense of being in 1985.
  
  Nit-picky comments: "Yeah, Mom"--not "Yeah, mom."
  "Oh, hello, Paul"--not "Oh, hello Paul."
  "Paul lies back and stares at the ceiling." P. 21--not "Paul lays back and stares…" read