Reviews of Lost Nation, Iowa 5

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  Lost Nation Review
  A review of Lost Nation, Iowa
  by rbata on 07/21/2006
  I am going to start this review off with a congrats on completing this screenplay. It's a wonderful journey and exciting to finally FADE OUT: But, then comes the hard part, hearing feedback. I am sure you have already been trampled on for structure, grammer, etc. so I am going to try and keep my focus on really important things like story and character. I guess this particular... I am going to start this review off with a congrats on completing this screenplay. It's a wonderful journey and exciting to finally FADE OUT: But, then comes the hard part, hearing feedback. I am sure you have already been trampled on for structure, grammer, etc. so I am going to try and keep my focus on really important things like story and character.
  I guess this particular spec. just did not work for me. For one, I really didn't care about any of the characters. Even in times of serious drama I still had no emotional connection to anyone. That is a huge problem. As I was reading I kept thinking there should be more. But more of what? I think there needs to be more work done with the characters. Maybe Brenden has asthma? Or Julie uses a cane to walk around with. There just needed to be one or two sympathetic or ideosyncratic elements to these characters besides losing a job and not having a partner. Nothing real serious, just something in addition to. I hope that makes sense.
  As far as the story is concerned, I really didn't see anything original. I know it's a small town and supplies are limited, but I just was hoping for something new to happen. Maybe Joe or Chip wins the lottery? Or Pete has a drug problem? Or some celebrity comes to town? I know the examples don't sound original but there is always a different spin that can be used by writers to make them sound original.
  All in all, I think this spec. will not receive great reviews on TS but if the writer wishes to pursue this story there needs to be a real focus on story and characterization. And by all means, do not let anyone bring you down. If you are passionate about this spec. do not give up. Our job is to give advice and some readers can be pretty brutal. It's part of the business we all have to get used to as writers. Good luck to all you do. I will be on the lookout for a rewrite if you decide to move forward. read
• 
  Lost in, uh ... Lost Nation
  A review of Lost Nation, Iowa
  by rgonzal on 07/10/2006
  I see that this screenplay has already been reported to the HOJ, and can’t say I'm surprised. I briefly considered taking this action myself, and only held back because this screenplay reminded me of the type of work I was pumping out when I first started. Anyhow, I have the following advice/criticisms, which will hopefully be useful. --------------------------------------... I see that this screenplay has already been reported to the HOJ, and can’t say I'm surprised. I briefly considered taking this action myself, and only held back because this screenplay reminded me of the type of work I was pumping out when I first started. Anyhow, I have the following advice/criticisms, which will hopefully be useful.
  --------------------------------------
  Plot -- What exactly was it? Boy meets girl, boy wins girl, boy loses girl ... the end? I was expecting something more in line with the romantic-comedy convention, so the downbeat ending was unexpected, and to be honest -- a real drag. You ask the reader to stick with you for 130 plus pages, with not a whole lot happening for 80 of them other than Brendan and Julie going on one date after another, and then you stick them with a downer ending to boot. Not a good idea. First of all, I suggest that if you insist on sticking with this ending, you re-label this screenplay as a comedy/romance/drama. Second, I suggest that you seriously pump up the drama. Add conflict. Don't make Brendan and Julie such an ideal couple right off the bat. Give them relationship issues. Make it tougher for Brendan to win her over (and I'm talking about winning her over as a girlfriend, not just getting her in the sack). I couldn't really discern where any of your plot points were, because the story was so meandering. This plot needs a strong spine to put it on track.
  Dialogue -- There was way too much of it. And a good portion of the time it didn't add anything to the story or advance the plot. I recommend a serious trim, and some rewriting to give each character a different voice (Tiffany was the only one who seemed unique).
  Format -- Detailed notes in the following.
  ---------------------------------------
  Everywhere - The use of scene headers is hit-or-miss. There should be one every time the location changes. And they should be in the format EXT. BAR - NIGHT.
  Everywhere - Watch the length of your wrylies. Keep them short - three or four words max. If you have a long sentence of action, put it in the narrative instead.
  Everywhere - Watch your scene descriptions. Only describe what's vital to the story. Keep the writing lean.
  Everywhere - Try to avoid brand names. Unless it's key to the story, use the generic instead (ex. beer instead of Miller).
  Everywhere - Avoid describing camera placement, or how a shot looks. Describe the scene in such a way that the reader has no choice but to "see" it the way you intended.
  Page 2 - This is actually page 1. The title page doesn't count.
  Page 2 - Watch the length of your action paragraphs. Long blocks are daunting and unattractive. Try to keep it to four lines maximum, and break it up per shot.
  Pages 2-3, 5, 22 - Character introductions include a lot of non-visual and/or extraneous description. Tell us only what we need to know about them (i.e. age and general appearance). Otherwise, reveal your characters through their actions and dialogue.
  Page 2 - "Warren has no real bearing ..." -- this is a major case of author's intrusion. You're not telling a story, you're showing a movie. If Warren isn't a major character, don't bother describing him in detail, or giving him a name. Just say he's a bar patron nursing a scotch and soda and leave it at that.
  Page 2 - Seven characters (not including bar-fly Warren) introduced in the first two pages, in the first scene -- this is just way too much! Try to avoid bringing more than a couple of characters in per scene, or else it just becomes a chore to keep track of who’s who.
  Page 3 - The pours.
  Page 4, 38, 73, 85, 119 - The wryly "dropped in" -- what does this mean?
  Pages 5, 28, 35, 90, 94, 105, 120, 124 - Dialogue/wrylies not properly tabbed.
  Page 7 - Julie and Pete's break-up -- you tell rather than show how this goes down. How about describing it from the POV of one of the other characters? Or, if you don't feel like describing it at all, put in a transition and just cut directly to the end.
  Page 9 - You should specify that everyone laughs, not the actual bar itself. It may be silly and obvious, but better to err on the side of clarity.
  Pages 9-10 - You describe Julie leaving and Pete going to the bar, but they already did that during the montage-like sequence on page 7.
  Page 13 - Eruotrash should be Euro-trash.
  Page 16 - End of the first scene -- way too long.
  Page 28, 133 - Transitions out should be right-justified.
  Pages 28-29 & 40 - Tiffany's cues should be marked O.S. when she's in the bathroom.
  Page 32 - Brendan - At least I've has ...
  Page 33 - Brendan carrying Tiffany - don't tell the reader that it should be done with a sense of fun. Show the fun.
  Page 34 - Julie walking up to Brendan's apartment and Brendan and Tiffany in the bathroom should each have their own scene headers, and they should be intercut.
  Page 34 - Brendan turns on the shower twice.
  Page 39 - Brendan's third line should be "Surprise?"
  Page 54 - Vicki and Joe pose as if watching a soap opera -- what does this look like?
  Pages 57, 61, 64, 89, 114 - Replace the FADE TO with DISSOLVE TO and right justify it. Or, better yet, remove the transitions entirely, since they're editorial decisions anyway.
  Page 58 - Julie's voiceover should be JULIE (V.O.). The same goes for Brendan.
  Page 58 - Dialogue is repetitive. Julie twice asks Brendan how he's doing.
  Pages 60-61 - Jennifer not introduced properly.
  Page 62 - I find it hard to believe that Pete is okay to attend a party where his best friend is with his ex that he's recently split from. And, that she would want him there also.
  Page 64 - Crush? Bleach? Huh? What are these people talking about?
  Page 70 - Bust should be but.
  Page 71 - Bartender's first appearance should be in caps.
  Page 72 - Brendan -- She won't pounce on me -- shouldn't be a question.
  Page 80 - Places it beneath he head.
  Page 82 - How can a pause be angry? You'd probably be better off saying Julie gives Brendan a dirty look, if I understand this scene correctly.
  Page 86 - Television's should be televisions.
  Page 90 - Cabbie not introduced properly.
  Page 91 - Takes of should be takes off.
  Page 92 - Julie's first two speeches should be JULIE (O.S.).
  Page 94 - Julie -- I have now idea…
  Page 95 - Thy kiss.
  Page 100 - You have a FADE OUT (which should only occur at the end of your screenplay) without a corresponding FADE IN.
  Page 101 - Who's should be whose.
  Page 107 - Brendan -- why can't stay on this one ...
  Page 107 - Julie -- That all we ever do ...
  Page 109 - Quite should be quiet.
  Page 112 - Brendan - that is isn't ...
  Page 114 - Savinougn should be sauvignon.
  Page 114 - Through is jacket.
  Page 116 - Brendan's voiced-over thoughts should be BRENDAN (V.O.). Also, it's a little late to introduce this device into your story. Use it right from the start. Otherwise it seems like a cheat.
  Page 120 - Wake's should be wakes.
  Page 120 - Brendan - What the time is it?
  Page 121 - Tiffany's rant about the rain is redundant dialogue. You've already stated that there's a downpour. Don't have your characters repeat the obvious.
  Page 123 - Pete takes a drag on in cigarette.
  Page 129 - You're should be your.
  ---------------------------------------
  To summarize, I feel that your top priorities should be to take more control of the story, find a central through-line that you can build a structure around, and brush-up on proper formatting technique. Good luck. read
• 
  Where is the conflict?
  A review of Lost Nation, Iowa
  by fiveminutesoffamedotcom on 07/09/2006
  I read this because I am a photographer, and it sounded like it could be a good story. My problem is that I felt there were several places where conflict could have been introduced. Pete seemed too easy going about Julie and Brendan getting together. The whole story never had any high points or low points with any of the characters. Nothing was revealed, discovered, or changed... I read this because I am a photographer, and it sounded like it could be a good story.
  My problem is that I felt there were several places where conflict could have been introduced. Pete seemed too easy going about Julie and Brendan getting together. The whole story never had any high points or low points with any of the characters. Nothing was revealed, discovered, or changed dramatically.
  Maybe Brendan could have got an STD from nobody, and gave it to Julie when she wanted to get back together, and then reveal that Tiffany and he were really sole mates, but couldn't get together because of that.
  At least show me Pete getting upset about his friend dating Julie. You could have used that in so many ways. Especially when Pete learns of him having sex with Julie.
  Maybe have a relationship between Tiffany and Pete that causes Brendan to realise he has feelings for Tiffany.
  Maybe in the end show that Pete really wanted Brendan to go to Iowa so that he could possibly have another chance with
  Julie.
  My point is, there just is not enough conflict in this piece to make it interesting to the average joe.
  As far as the criticism of all of the extra cues and directions, yeah there are a lot of them. Many writers will beat you up all day for that kind of stuff. Many of us, myself included, write this way because we also intend to shoot this ourselves. It helps me know what I was thinking at the time of writing the piece. If you intend to sell your script to Hollywood, you need to learn to write without all the direction, as it will get your script thrown in the trash. If you plan to make the movie yourself, or you have an audience such as this that is forced to read it, I don't think it matters as much. I wish more reviews would comment more on the story aspects instead of pointing out all of the structural errors.
  I am marking this as "consider" because the story is easy enough to do with a low budget film maker, and the small changes can make this a producable item. read
• 
  okay
  A review of Lost Nation, Iowa
  by tarboy on 07/06/2006
  You don’t need to write this. Warren has no real bearing on our story, other than to symbolize the neighborhood characters that come in here. You don’t need to describe the environment in so much detail unless it has to do with the plot. You shouldn’t write Action in your PARENTHETICAL (pointing to Warren’s empty glass) You are not suppose to direct the actor. I see the script...
  You don’t need to write this.
  Warren has no real bearing on our story, other than to symbolize the neighborhood characters that come in here.
  You don’t need to describe the environment in so much detail unless it has to do with the plot.
  You shouldn’t write Action in your PARENTHETICAL
  (pointing to Warren’s empty glass)
  You are not suppose to direct the actor. I see the script is riddled with you give direction
  If you remove the CUT TO the will take twenty pages from your script.
  Your script should us, ING, BACK, BEGINS, START or CONTINUE in your action. These are signs of a beginner.
  I’m about to read page fifteen and I have no reason to read on. The mistakes above would get this script thrown in the trash.
  You don’t have to write to Casey when you say the name in the dialogue.
  (to Casey) So, Casey...
  I read pass page thirty and don’t remember a plot point.
  We see” only what you write. Take, we see” out of your script.
  You use the word Pause too much. You are directing the whole script. Not good.
  What is the point of this story?
  If you don’t write ACTION we know they are silence.
  They ride in silence some more. Cut to the cab pulling up to Julie’s building. Brendan gets out, followed by Julie, who kisses Brendan.
  The story didn’t need, NOBODY.
  If you remove every word and scene that does advance your script it would be thirty pages lighter. As I say if you hear the same thing from two reviewers make a change. Good luck! read
• 
  lost nation indeed
  A review of Lost Nation, Iowa
  by anis5016 on 07/05/2006
  firstly, check somewhere about the layout... i don't think you are doing it right... at least, i've never seen it like that before. the story seems so tame to me. there wasn't much confrontation and even when there is, you didn't really exploit it to make it felt like it matter. reading through the story, whenever something happen, your character didn't really have much reaction... firstly, check somewhere about the layout... i don't think you are doing it right... at least, i've never seen it like that before.
  the story seems so tame to me. there wasn't much confrontation and even when there is, you didn't really exploit it to make it felt like it matter. reading through the story, whenever something happen, your character didn't really have much reaction to it... and they are just sailing through life. there was no impact felt at all. it makes the story feels flat and uninteresting. another thing, their age makes them appear immature. perhaps you should knock off five years for both of your main characters or... make them more adult like by five years or so. read