Reviews of LOVE ME DEAD (V1) 18

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  Veal Demode
  A review of LOVE ME DEAD (V1)
  by MattyMustng on 02/15/2009
  Love Me Dead Lexey, I think you’ve crafted a very nice story here, with a lot of backbone behind it that allows the reader to become enveloped in the story-telling. It really was a great read… I did it all in one sitting (although that’s true for most scripts I read). But, I was never bored. Many scripts will start to slow down in the middle of the second act due to lack... Love Me Dead
  
  Lexey,
  
  I think you’ve crafted a very nice story here, with a lot of backbone behind it that allows the reader to become enveloped in the story-telling. It really was a great read… I did it all in one sitting (although that’s true for most scripts I read). But, I was never bored. Many scripts will start to slow down in the middle of the second act due to lack of a midpoint. I’m sure you’re well aware of this. Yours did not, however, which makes a much more enjoyable read.
  
  Below is a breakdown of each area, and beyond that are a few page notes. There aren’t many, which is a sign to me that you’ve proofread this and know your stuff. It was an easy read.
  
  Concept: So, essentially, the story opens with a suicidal Natalie. It also revolves around many other individuals in her life, which is great because it sort of seems like an ensemble, yet we have a protagonist (Natalie). She is immediately, within the first 10 pages, painted as a suicide risk, and so we delve straight into her problems.
  
  These other individuals (brody, Liz, Tony, among a few others) are actually quite important in the story-telling. So, on the concept, it seems as if the story is heading for a big story about infidelity, because it seems everyone is cheating on their spouse. But, the story takes a turn when Natalie’s husband, Tony, is killed while at work. To complicate things, Liz is pregnant. And, of course, Natalie finds out. This paints her arc from suicide risk to homicidal maniac.
  
  Story: The story is actually pretty good, with only a few lulls and a few problems that I can see. The first deals with the transition in tone of this story. For the first thirty pages we get the feeling this is a drama dealing with infidelity. Then, we get the feeling it is a drama about conflicts with infidelity, death, etc. Then, it completely shifts gears into Natalie offing everyone and essentially going insane. There seems to be a gap here in these two aspects of the story.
  
  Basically, what I’m saying is, off the first 30 pages, I expected a film about emotional family conflicts regarding marriage, death, and perhaps suicide. But, it turned into more of a psycho-killer thriller, rather than a drama.
  
  Secondly, I think (and this is rather simple to answer) we need to know if Natalie was pregnant. She insinuated she was, and we assumed she was, but then we learned she took Liz’s baby. She told the therapist she was pregnant, but this could have been a lie in preparation for taking the baby. So, was she pregnant or was she lying? I’m not sure, and I think it just needs to be answered. The only thing that this may hinder is the revelation that she took Liz’s baby. If you work around it though, you can keep the revelation and give us our answers as well.
  
  Structure: The structure seemed pretty good. The midpoint of act 2 kept the second act from seeming really slow and long, which is a great thing to have. The second act, since it comprises 50% of three acts, can seem sort of long.
  
  Character: Characters are all pretty good, they act and behave in reasonable ways and all have distinct personalities. The character entwinement as to who is cheating on who with who was sort of interesting and provided a ton of conflict.
  
  The only concern in the character-department is the arc of Natalie. She goes from suicidal to homicidal, which is sort of a leap. I don’t see her real inner motivation to go from wanting to kill herself to killing almost everyone she has a problem with. It’s sort of far-fetched, especially for a previously suicidal person to do. They don’t seem like the types of people (usually) that just go and start killing people. Her reasoning is that she wants to be happy, fair enough… but she is never painted as the hateful person that is happy at the demise of others. She seems generally caring, just not for herself, so it seems odd she would kill so many people in the quest for happiness.
  
  Dialogue: The dialogue was lean and effective, to the point. There were never any long speeches or monologues that needed trimming, and nothing was over-done or overly expository.
  
  ------------------------
  
  Page Notes:
  
  P6: McDreamy… is this some girly term?
  
  P10: I like how you’ve set up Natalie’s suicidal persona. This creates a great opening 10 pages by establishing theme.
  
  P14: I suggest if you have DR. HILLARY FRYE, and refer to her as HILLARY, that her name heading be HILLARY. Just be consistent throughout, otherwise people will see DR. FRYE in the dialogue and HILLARY in the action and will be confused, as I was for a moment.
  
  P25: It’s usually a little more intriguing to use an action line instead of (beat). You haven’t used a lot of them, so I wouldn’t worry about it, just pointing it out. You could say something like, “Hillary watches Natalie pace the floor.”
  
  P28: “Why so serious.” It’s a fine line, but I swear… every time I read this I think of The Dark Knight. I think that may be true for most people. Maybe there’s a better way to phrase it?
  
  P31: Need a period after “shoot”
  
  P36-37: This scene in John’s Apartment… something about it I really like. It’s short, but it’s just written very well.
  
  P60: He seems a little nonchalant about telling Natalie that Liz is pregnant as well. Perhaps he would be a little more compassionate about it?
  
  P109: Don’t tell us the action is in slow mo. That’s an editing/director’s decision.
  
  End: seems like there should be a concluding page after Natalie jumps. It just seems to end rather abruptly, whereas if we saw a final page of action, it may be more interesting.
  
  I hope these thoughts will help you shape a good rewrite.
  
  Best of luck.
  
  Regards,
  
  Matt read
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  Only little nitpicks
  A review of LOVE ME DEAD (V1)
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 02/15/2009
  A great concept and story that has a wonderful pacing that makes for a good read. From the get go everything is right. We have a good story to get into that is set up wonderfully. So let's get going... but we aren't. We still have to wait... and keep on waiting. The script contains a melodramatic story as well as a whodunit murder mystery. They intertwine well, but the murder... A great concept and story that has a wonderful pacing that makes for a good read. From the get go everything is right. We have a good story to get into that is set up wonderfully. So let's get going... but we aren't. We still have to wait... and keep on waiting.
  
  The script contains a melodramatic story as well as a whodunit murder mystery. They intertwine well, but the murder mystery takes too long to start. We're half way through and then it happens. Another problem is that by the third act begins we've already gotten all the clues we need to solve the mystery. It's fairly simple. The revelation too early is a major issue to the story. Keep it a mystery because once it's solved, it's hard to keep the audience in the story. They know the answer and are ready for things to get wrapped up.
  
  All of the characters come alive when introduced. Their dialogue is real and perfectly written. The only thing about the dialogue: the voice overs are not necessary. They are the only thing weighing down the dialogue. Take them out and it will the scenes they appear in stronger.
  
  A quick rewrite will improve this already good script to an excellent. read
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  A Killer Diamond In the Rough
  A review of LOVE ME DEAD (V1)
  by fencik on 02/11/2009
  “Love Me Dead” is one part melodrama, one part thriller, the two halves as distinct from each other as a black and white cookie. Think “Your Friends and Neighbors” meets “Fatal Attraction.” But despite its awkward shift in genres, which occurs when Natalie’s cheating husband is murdered, this script has the potential to be one hell of a thrill ride in the best Hitchcockian... “Love Me Dead” is one part melodrama, one part thriller, the two halves as distinct from each other as a black and white cookie. Think “Your Friends and Neighbors” meets “Fatal Attraction.” But despite its awkward shift in genres, which occurs when Natalie’s cheating husband is murdered, this script has the potential to be one hell of a thrill ride in the best Hitchcockian tradition.
  
  This is a very well written screenplay. The dialogue is credible, the descriptions, vivid and concise. The five main characters: Natalie, Brody, Julie, Tony and Liz are empathetic and engaging. The problem lies with the story’s structure.
  
  “Love Me Dead” is very close to being a top notch thriller. But the writers have to commit wholeheartedly to that particular genre and its conventions.
  
  Consider developing the relationship between Natalie and Brody from the very beginning of the story. They don’t have to sleep together (it would probably be better if they didn’t), but their burgeoning “friendship,” which starts turning romantic after Tony is killed and/or when Brody and Julie split, could provide the spine of the story.
  
  Lose the opening scene at Natalie’s house and the scene at Jack’s Bar & Grill. Starting off on the bridge would be much more compelling.
  
  The scene in John’s apartment (page 36) is unnecessary. We already know Julie’s having an affair.
  
  Brody’s gambling problem is not touched upon until the kitchen scene (page 33), it should be introduced (intimated) much earlier, possibly even during the opening scene in Brody’s car, giving his character an added dimension of mystery.
  
  Tony’s murder (page 50) should occur closer to page 40. The sooner the thriller element of the story begins, the better.
  
  The scene in the Captain’s office (page 54) is confusing. Who is the “sicko” he refers to? Is this a red herring meant to throw off the reader? If it is it’s not very effective.
  
  During the montage on page 60 you write, “Natalie’s now showing.” I assume Natalie is using a prosthetic to fool people (maybe even herself to a certain extent). Consider having Brody or someone find the fake baby bump (in Natalie’s closet perhaps) during the story’s final act.
  
  Consider eliminating the scene where Liz is killed (page 66), it would be much more dramatic if she simply turns up dead later, missing the baby. That being said, is it plausible that Natalie could safely remove the child from Liz? How did she learn how to do that?
  
  By revealing that Patty has “red curly locks” (page 72) you are strongly hinting that she’s Liz’s child. Do you want to give that secret away with more than 40 pages to go?
  
  When Natalie puts on Liz’s heart shaped pendant (page 73) you are essentially announcing her the killer. Again, why not keep the mystery alive? By that same token it’s a mistake to have Natalie explain where the pendant came from.
  
  No need to cut to John’s apartment (page75).
  
  Finally, what if Brody found out Patrick didn’t return to Iraq, that he was in fact AWOL? As long as Patrick is still around he is a possible suspect in the reader’s mind.
  
  Remember, always keep ‘em guessing.
  
  Good luck. read
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  A Dark Thriller
  A review of LOVE ME DEAD (V1)
  by Boxey on 02/10/2009
  Love me dead is a dark movie that really shows the emotional effects one character’s actions can have on another. This was a great read, very gripping. I really had no idea how the story was going to end (which is my usual pet peeve). Character development – Natalie shows a good progression of being really down and depressed in the beginning to completely loosing it when... Love me dead is a dark movie that really shows the emotional effects one character’s actions can have on another. This was a great read, very gripping. I really had no idea how the story was going to end (which is my usual pet peeve).
  
  Character development – Natalie shows a good progression of being really down and depressed in the beginning to completely loosing it when she finds out that Liz was pregnant.
  
  The relationship is also good between Brody and Julie (although, I would have liked to see them work it out a little more rather than just sleeping together and everything is good again).
  
  Mason was a good thread to bring the different characters together. He was very believable as a child who loves his mom and dad and really enjoys Ms. Natalie.
  
  Tony was very believable as an ass and Patrick was a great protective brother.
  
  Story –
  Natalie going crazy was nice. She seems a little over the top in the end but no more so than “Fatal Attraction” or any of those types of stories. It was easy to be sympathetic to her cause.
  
  Some parts are made a little too easy for the reader. On Pg. 90, as I was finding out that Liz had her baby removed, that Patty had red hair, and was piecing it all together, you flat out told the reader that Natalie did it. I was disappointed, I was really enjoying solving this little mystery and then had the answer given to me. Just cut out that scene between Natalie and Patty about her hair and you are good.
  
  The end was suspenseful and I found myself really engaged in the story. You do a good job of making the Julia scene with Brody trying to get to them really good.
  
  Nit Nats –
  
  Pg. 97 – It says “I have a meeting tonight, so don’t
  wait dinner.” – I think you missed “for”
  
  Pg. 112 - Natalie shakes his head. – Should be “her”.
  
  Over all, great story. I really liked it. With a few small fixes, I think this script will be a keeper. read
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  Stay away from the crazy ladies
  A review of LOVE ME DEAD (V1)
  by bthielke on 02/09/2009
  hey Lexey- This was a good read. You're a great writer and you grasp of the mechanics of screenwriting is very good. here's my specific category notes: Concept- Kind of in the vein of Rock the Cradle, Fatal Attraction, other woman gone crazy stories. It seems like it has an audience if well done. This one is getting there in terms of quality Characters- It took awhile... hey Lexey- This was a good read. You're a great writer and you grasp of the mechanics of screenwriting is very good. here's my specific category notes:
  
  Concept- Kind of in the vein of Rock the Cradle, Fatal Attraction, other woman gone crazy stories. It seems like it has an audience if well done. This one is getting there in terms of quality
  
  Characters- It took awhile for me to straighten out the characters because you gave the reader many characters to digest in the first few pages.I'm thinking if you could weed out or combine some of the ancillary characters, or at the least introduce them later, it might let us get a quicker understanding of who's who. I know you established some of Natalie's psychosis through the flashbacks of finding her dead mother. I understand why this could be traumatic, but it doesn't have to be something that makes you psychotic. I think you need a scene with Dr. Frye that makes that linkage. Plus in terms of a backstory, does it matter that much WHY she's loco? Only that she's loco. Her issues while Tony was cheating on her were very palpable and highly understanding, however her murderous nature doesn't quite ring true to me.I think he'd have to say definitively I'm leaving you for Liz. Otherwise she'd still be holding on to that hope that he'll see the light. Only after she realizes she lost, can she even begin to snap.
  
  I didn't like how Brody took Julie back so quickly and to even be sympathetic about her "lover" cheating on her. I also didn't like the fact that Natalie transferred her attentions to Brody so easily. I think at the very least they'd have to sleep together first before she'd allow herself to get that crazy. I mean it was only 2 dates, even I don't get psychotic till 4-5 dates, (just kidding)
  
  Dialogue- Fine job, no complaints. Examine whetther you really need the voice overs though. I thought the scenes played just as well without them.
  
  Story- I think you need to accelerate the whole first act. For example, why not start the story with her on the bridge. you didn't tell us anything we needed to know in the 2-3 pages before that. Reduce the number of times Tony goes off with Liz. We only need to see it once to understand what's going on. I'd like Tony's death to occur before page 30 ideally. Also, it would be good to leave more doubt in our mind about who the killer is. I think you could do that by moving liz's death back a few pages and maybe even make us think it's her that done it. Either that or introduce a new subplot with a suspect. Showing us the neckalace in her jewelry box was a dead giveaway and I think it was a tactical error to show it at all.
  
  Structure- Like I said I think you need to move the first killing up to about page 25-30, so it can serve as a followup to an inciting event- Tony leaving her-. Scene lengths were solid and your format and presentation was top notch.
  
  Another really good read, Lexey. Congrats.
  
  
  pg 40- this scene with Julie and Brody is confusing to me. Maybe I missed something, but I didn't sense the trouble with these two. It seems sudden to me.
  
  pg 51- I think Tony's death occurred too late in the story. I think you need to be more efficient in establishing the emotional tone of the characters and get to this point by pg. 27 or so. I think part of the issue is you've got multiple story lines going on that all seem to have equal or near equal billing up to this point.
  
  pg 73- unless you've got a doozy of a twist coming up, doesn't this give the killer away?
  
  76- I find it odd that no-one has commented about Liz. She was killed 13 pages ago.
  
  pg 77- gee, I don't know if I'd entertain this coversation if my wife was doing this... read
• 
  Decent
  A review of LOVE ME DEAD (V1)
  by digitalisentertainment on 02/05/2009
  The story was very intriguing, with many enjoyable surprises and reversals both within the major plot, and within individual scenes. However, I did find the premise a little misleading since only the first two victims died mysteriously but the rest were murdered in an apparent manner. The dialogue was great and the characters were nicely sketched, but some scenes could be... The story was very intriguing, with many enjoyable surprises and reversals both within the major plot, and within individual scenes. However, I did find the premise a little misleading since only the first two victims died mysteriously but the rest were murdered in an apparent manner. The dialogue was great and the characters were nicely sketched, but some scenes could be edited without losing their integrity in order to accelerate the pacing. Brody's character was well drawn although I felt there was room for further development. The ending succeeded in creating an impact as it was completely unpredictable. With some minor changes this could shape up into something exceptional. All the best! read
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  Leave It To Cleaver
  A review of LOVE ME DEAD (V1)
  by David Muhlfelder on 02/04/2009
  As I expected going in, this was a well written script. Characters were all distinctive and the dialogue was crisp and natural. The third act was truly suspenseful and had me turning the page. It certainly is a change of pace from your other, more family-friendly scripts. And yet, there were some things about the execution that bothered me. I felt there was a very sharp... As I expected going in, this was a well written script. Characters were all distinctive and the dialogue was crisp and natural. The third act was truly suspenseful and had me turning the page. It certainly is a change of pace from your other, more family-friendly scripts.
  
  And yet, there were some things about the execution that bothered me. I felt there was a very sharp tonal shift that occurred around p. 50. Up to that point, the story played like a complex family drama. It seemed like it was going to be about two families drawn together by their mutual domestic turmoil. I wasn't even sure if it was Natalie or Julie's story until Tony's death.
  
  After that, Natalie seemed to change radically into something like a female Norman Bates. I think you need to set that up better. I'm not a psychiatrist, but her change from suicidal to homicidal seemed too abrupt. Suicidal people are usually incapable of externalizing their anger so decidedly. You might want to foreshadow the change earlier. Maybe her sessions with Hillary could be followed by instances of behavior like the scene where she cleavers the nutcracker. I also think Tony and Liz need to die sooner, and Liz's body needs to be discovered earlier.
  
  I would like to see more fleshing out of Brody's investigation into Liz's death as he develops a relationship with Natalie. You hinted at his suspecting Patrick. I think that's the way to go. If you could condense the first 50 pages into say 25, you could expand on the last 65. Patrick would make an excellent red herring. As it plays out now, it's a little too straight forward. I also think that would give a little more heft to Natalie's delusion about her relationship with Brody.
  
  One thing I was confused about is whether or not Natalie was really pregnant. I may have missed something, but I thought it was real. If so, what happened to her baby? If not, we need to see her faking her pregnancy to win Tony back. Again, that would be an effective way to foreshadow her later meltdown.
  
  I think that's enough to think about for now. Again, well done and a nice change of pace for you two. Good luck. read
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  Ready for Lifetime
  A review of LOVE ME DEAD (V1)
  by molloy on 02/01/2009
  I had to read this screenplay twice to pick up on all the irony and foreshadowing. I really liked it. A few comments: 1. I wish some character names didn't begin with the same letter as others. Not a big deal but it took me a little longer to sort them out. 2. I thought a lot of healing was expected from a night of sex--with Tony and Natalie and with Julie and Brody. 3... I had to read this screenplay twice to pick up on all the irony and foreshadowing. I really liked it. A few comments:
  
  1. I wish some character names didn't begin with the same letter as others. Not a big deal but it took me a little longer to sort them out.
  2. I thought a lot of healing was expected from a night of sex--with Tony and Natalie and with Julie and Brody.
  3. I guess p. 80 lets us know that somehow Natalie lost her baby. I'm not sure why she wouldn't go to an obstetrician if she was pregnant. Am I missing something?
  4. I loved the repeat of the line, "...I wish I could take you with me..." on p. 85. And I liked the shot of the bottle of pills on the floor when Natalie is in the tub.
  5. Dr. Frye confronts Natalie. Great from an ironic angle but a little suspect in that she doesn't call the police. I like how the deranged Natalie interprets Dr. Frye's remark that her time to be happy would come.
  6. Is there another way to get around the fact that Brody didn't recognize whom he saved from the river. The cops' dialogue seems a little contrived to "cover' the situation--like someone raised the issue commenting on a prior iteration.
  7. I'm wondering if the inciting event to Natalie's suicide attempt in the beginning could have been stronger than Tony's voice- over. If you want the reason for the suicide attempt to be explained later that's okay--but then maybe it would be better to leave Tony's voice-over out.
  8. You could have the Captain come at the end rather than introducing Detective Hudacho. Not sure introducing another character so late is a good idea.
  7. At the end, I wish Brody didn't say "I...I can't lie to you." To me a cop would lie just to get a person not to jump. I'd rather have him not respond fast enough--so she jumps.
  8. I liked all the touches in the filler scenes--dress up at the library, the icicles, the bar scenes...nice!
  
  I really like this story a lot so I hope you don't take these comments as criticism. It is well thought out, well constructed and more intricate and screen worthy than anything I've done. Best of luck with this! read
• 
  Here Love is dead
  A review of LOVE ME DEAD (V1)
  by samseven on 01/31/2009
  I want to comment you on such an intriguing story, one that explores family unuttered curses that are passed down to children. I saw a woman whose cry for love was unanswered, and the need for it has driven her to act drastically to obtain it. You were careful to draw attention to major focal points, outlining human weakness and strength but at times I feel it was either too... I want to comment you on such an intriguing story, one that explores family unuttered curses that are passed down to children. I saw a woman whose cry for love was unanswered, and the need for it has driven her to act drastically to obtain it. You were careful to draw attention to major focal points, outlining human weakness and strength but at times I feel it was either too much or too little. Two examples come to mind. 1. (On much) you made Natalie too much of a monster, by having her gut out the baby from Liz stomach, I don’t know, maybe that’s just me. 2. (On little) Brody and Julie, I feel that much hasn’t been done in their breaking up and reunion. It was easy out, easy in, making it a little unrealistic. The overall story is good, which left me with the moral that the action of a family does filters down to their offspring, and if it remains unchecked, it can be fuel by life challenges to make monsters out of us. The suspense was great, but you never did explain what happen to Natalie’s own pregnancy, whether she lied or lost it, you need to squeeze that into the story. read
• 
  Why am I up this early?
  A review of LOVE ME DEAD (V1)
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 01/24/2009
  This review will probably be shorter than normal since I read the earlier version, and not much has changed. I'll just focus on the areas where you indicated the most revision. 1) The beggining. :( First off, if you recall, the beggining was one of my favorite parts of the last version and it still is. The 2 versions are similiar enough that I'd rate them both good-excellent... This review will probably be shorter than normal since I read the earlier version, and not much has changed. I'll just focus on the areas where you indicated the most revision.
  1) The beggining. :( First off, if you recall, the beggining was one of my favorite parts of the last version and it still is. The 2 versions are similiar enough that I'd rate them both good-excellent. BUT I actually like the beggining in your first version more for one reason. The first time around, I really really... um... really liked how you introduced Natalie. From the first moment we see her, she is a crazed zombie stopping her car and lumbering towards the edge of the bridge. It's a very good hook filled with tension and mystery. In the new version, she seems completely normal at first, giving out candy to a trick-or-treater. When you have a highly creative and complex scene like this one, it's probably inevitable that a lot of readers will gripe. But you ultimately gotta stay true to what you know would come off better on screen. I can tell you that I've done more than a casual reading of the 2 begginings. I've envisioned them as if they were my own, and I really think the original is better. On a side note, I think you can cut the part where George sees Natalie's car; it seemed superfluous. Just have him show up at the hospital.
  2) As for Dr. Fry's dialogue, it was good in both versions. But I think you have made an improvement in the revision. I closely read all his dialogue in both versions, and, in the newer one, he seems a little more caring and involved with his patient. Also, you trimmed off some of the fat from his dialogue which was also a welcome improvement.
  OVERALL, very good. The fact that so many details from the original revision were still intact in my memory is testament to the script's quality. I don't recall half the films I see with as much clarity as your screenplay. Have a stellar weekend! read