Sometimes it's the heart that gets schooled.
HOW IT RATES
While on a working vacation in the Caribbean, a Plain-Jane photographer, focused on her list of soul mate signs, seeks help from a Legend with keys to the fabled Fountain of Beauty when she falls for a handsome actor who's bewitched, bothered and bewildered by his super-model girlfriend.
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Reviews of LOVEDOOMED 9
by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 01/15/2011Your ‘writer’s voice’ is engaging and likeable from the start, and the tone is perfect for a romantic comedy. It was gentle, rather than something that would generate belly laughs, but I like how you find comedy through wit and observation rather than crassness or toilet humour. Your concept is good – plain jane Lexi falls for a gorgeous actor, and has to contend with his... Your ‘writer’s voice’ is engaging and likeable from the start, and the tone is perfect for a romantic comedy. It was gentle, rather than something that would generate belly laughs, but I like how you find comedy through wit and observation rather than crassness or toilet humour.
Your concept is good – plain jane Lexi falls for a gorgeous actor, and has to contend with his psychotic supermodel girlfriend as she tries to win his heart. The Fountain of Beauty is an interesting element, too, and externalises Lexi’s internal conflict – her quest for the fountain is because she feels that she is not good or beautiful enough for Miles.
Her pursuit of him is against all the odds, so I think there could be more conflict, more adversity for her at the start. Miles pays way more attention to Lexi than anyone else after he meets them on the beach. Within minutes, Justice can’t get a word in, and he says to Lexi ‘I’d love to see you unveiled.’ It’s a tantalising moment for Lexi, for sure, but it’s telegraphing your ending a little. As Lexi says herself, ‘Pretty girls get all the attention.’
If Miles really is one of those shallow actor types, with Nina as the arm candy, his nature should make him pay more attention to Justice and Kate at the start (statuesque and blonde bombshell respectively) and ignore Lexi (even if he’s not aware he’s doing it). This would be more consistent for a character that says of Nina ‘I could look at her for the rest of my life.’
That sets up your conflict. The antagonist doesn’t have to be an evil villain; they are just the obstacle to your protagonist getting what they want. Even if all they want is him. Nina is an antagonist too, but I think Miles is or should be the main one. Until she gets him of course.
An opening like that would establish the main conflict (Lexi wants Miles), put obstacles in Lexi’s way (Miles has a supermodel girlfriend and spends the night talking to Kate’s chest etc) shows us Lexi’s internal flaw (she believes she has to have model looks to be loved) and the means by which she can change this (the Fountain of Beauty). You touch on a ticking clock also, as the girls discuss turning thirty and ageing. The fear of getting Lovedoomed is what drives Lexi.
If the screenplay is about Lexi’s pursuit of Miles, and she gets him at the end, all the conflict in the screenplay should suggest that she WON’T get him.
p.1 – ‘Braids a flyin’ – great visual character intro for Justice
p.3 – ‘Once you find your soulmate, you have to win their heart, or else … you could be lovedoomed for life’ – establishing the stakes
p.4 – Miles is introduced by the girls’ reaction to him … star struck hysteria
p.5 – Miles’ description of Nina to the girls is on the nose.
p.6 – Would Miles confide his issues with Nina with strangers he’s just met?
Miles’ reaction to Sula’s failure to recognise him is another neat character touch.
p.8 – An amusing cutaway to Nina and her famous stilettos.
p.10 – ‘One love’ – this greeting is faintly ridiculous (as Kate points out) and becomes a running gag throughout
p.11 – Ras disappears – interesting …
p.12 – Nice moment as Lexi catches her reflection in Miles’ mirrored glasses.
p.14 – Lexi decides she wants Miles.
p.16 – ‘We used to cuddle’ – building conflict between Miles and Nina.
p.17 – Nina is jealous of Lexi immediately – despite her beauty she is insecure. Like that. And on the following page she’s now happy to be all touchy feely with him – clever characterisation.
p.20 – It’s a little early for Miles to show Lexi affection as he hugs her – he calls her ‘the star of the show’ – make her work a little more and a little harder for this.
p.23 – ‘Too bad there ain’t a fountain of nice’ – I think it’s safe to say Miles and Nina have problems.
p.24 ‘You stay away from my man! And my breasts are real!’ – funny
p.26 – ‘Juuust a touch of evil’ – I really like your writing voice.
p.28 – Lexi’s tactics start to mirror Nina’s – she plays a dirty trick with the iguana, like a response to Nina spilling a drink on her.
p.34 – Lexi’s slip into fantasy is effective as she is often in close proximity to Miles.
p.36 – ‘She likes to create her own turbulence’ – great line
p.37 – ‘Can’t soulmates just be friends?’ They are still worlds apart in their philosophies.
p.38 – A beautiful Lexi Belle … you’d be perfect’ – not exactly a nice thing for him to say to her, but … there’s a compliment in there somewhere … reinforcing her need to find the Fountain of Beauty.
p.39 – Interesting development – Hercules is looking for the fountain too … Lexi’s attitude towards him (a less attractive guy) is a good opportunity to show character.
p.40 – Just a note – it’s rather a coincidence that Alberta turns out to be Miles’ mother.
p.45 – Carl’s dialogue at the top of the page is a little OTN. ‘Does she sleep standing up?’ – better. ‘Not my type’ ‘Has a brain, huh?’ - Funny
p.53 – Consider shortening Miles speech here.
p.55 – Nina confronts Lexi in a good scene
p.59 – Would Lexi really stay? I know there’s a snowstorm, but … she sleeps in the next room while they do it? She could admit defeat here and leave, escalating the conflict. She could daydream about them together?
p.62 – ‘Teary eyed waif’ – does this match up with our intro of Lexi as ‘curvy?’
p.80 – ‘warm pursuit’ – great visual gag – I can picture the boat just plodding along.
p.88 – Show us Nina’s face!
I really liked the ending – it reminded me of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade – there is tension here, wondering what will happen … and a nice payoff when Nina became ugly (‘she chose poorly’ indeed).
Formatting is good and not a typo that I could see.
The structure is good, you hit all the major beats. Page 55 feels like a mid point when Lexi ‘loses’ to Nina. She seems to see the error of her ways, meeting up with Hercules again, then Sula moves in … the only thing I’m unsure about is her race to the Fountain – is it to stop Hercules, or experience the Fountain for herself?
Overall I enjoyed this. The comedy is nicely judged and the banter between the girls feels natural and unforced. Lexi is a likeable, endearing character who drew me into the story, and you are clearly comfortable with the romcom genre. It's well thought out and well written.
Best of luck with this. read
by gridlock on 01/11/2011First off I gotta say, I’m not too excited about the title. But then again, I haven’t read the script yet, so that might change. I’ll let you know as I read through. Page 1: “CONGA-LINE A great time and why not? —— it’s Carnivale in Paradise!” This is not action. What’s the conga line doing? Has it snaked around in a graceful circle? Maybe they’re in danger of falling over... First off I gotta say, I’m not too excited about the title. But then again, I haven’t read the script yet, so that might change. I’ll let you know as I read through.
Page 1: “CONGA-LINE A great time and why not? —— it’s Carnivale in Paradise!” This is not action. What’s the conga line doing? Has it snaked around in a graceful circle? Maybe they’re in danger of falling over into a tangled, drunken mess?
Page 1: I would lose all the dashes.
Page 1: There’s an extra space between these lines of action: Bumping butts to the beat of the music, they wait as
Another drops off —— it’s photo-snappin’ LEXI-BELLE
DAWSON — 30, black, curvy, but —— alas, a ‘Plain Jane’.
Page 2: There’s a space after the three dots: better...someone – should be: better... someone (I won’t point these out any more, you can do a search and replace to fix these)
Page 2: I believe the period goes inside the quotations: ‘Asks me out’ and ‘Doesn’t dump me’.
Page 2: Okay, I see where the title “Lovedoomed” comes in. Maybe it’s appropriate after all!
Page 4: Great scene with all the women and Miles Anthony!
Page 4: Is “You’re my biggest fan!” supposed to be “I’m your biggest fan”?
Page 5: WITH THE GROUP doesn’t really qualify as a slug line. ALONG THE SHORE does, however.
Page 9: Great description of the Rasta drum player (actually, they all have good descriptions!)
Page 10: I’m getting kind of lost on some of these little side conversations, like the fountain of beauty one, for instance. I’m hoping they lead to something.
Page 11: ¨I’m not sure I’m buying the “vanishes into thin air” bit. Are there supernatural powers in this script?
Page 13: “I’ve seen some powerful ugly, girl —— and you’re nowhere near that.” Haha, love it!
Page 17: Great interaction between Miles and Nina.
Page 24: I’m finding myself getting a bit confused with all the characters, especially all the going back and forth. I can’t seem to keep track of who is interacting with whom.
Page 26: Great scene with the iguana and the evil smile!
Page 35: Punctuation error: Not much for adventure, eh?. I mean
she doesn’t even snorkel?
Page 55: This is priceless!!!! ---
She leans again...closer...closer...closer...inches from
his face. Closes her eyes. Puckers up and--
Aw, hell nawh!
A painting smashes over them. Nina, in a red strapless
mini and killer red high heels lords over the framed duo.
Page 59: Love the psycho scene!
Page 92: There are too many spaces in this dialogue: Nina was a beauty who could shop
But also was a meanie, so stay out
of her way.
Then-at-the Fountain of Boo-tay,
low and behold.
The beauty was no beauty but a very
tall toad. (beat boxing)
This was a really fun screenplay, a little confusing in spots, but light and entertaining nonetheless! Great job! (oh, and ther title does fit!) read
by roadrunner650 on 01/05/2011Title: LOVEDOOMED - good title Concept - Another take of Beauty and the Beast, Shallow Hal, Shrek, or the ugly duckling. It's an ok concept. It has an audience and the market is there. Format - Formatting is good. You know what you're doing with the subslugs. However I'd refrain from the shot transitions with the CUT TO: etc. The director will choose the transitions. Plot... Title: LOVEDOOMED - good title
Concept - Another take of Beauty and the Beast, Shallow Hal, Shrek, or the ugly duckling.
It's an ok concept. It has an audience and the market is there.
Format - Formatting is good. You know what you're doing with the subslugs.
However I'd refrain from the shot transitions with the CUT TO: etc.
The director will choose the transitions.
First scene - Good scene. Characters are introduced using action.
First Ten - Kind of reminds me of Sex and the City. Relationships. You know this
will be compared to that. Good job of revealing the character traits.
Justice - kinda pushy wannabe actress. Lexi - romantic, Kate - selfish?
Nice job of having them compete over Miles.
The love triangle aspect is good.
But the stakes are low. She's only 30. She's had a bf before. Now if she's hardly had any
guys going out with her or just really weird guys, then I can understand. But there doesn't
seem to be a reason for her sense of urgency. Maybe if all her gfs were married, then I can
The 2nd act, the plot seemed to drift. NYC and Chicago seem to pull the movie away. I didn't like
the convenient arrival of Nina at the airport. Maybe all the characters need to live in chicago.
The budget of the movie went up a lot with the expensive locations, private jet and high end bling.
Dialog - Average dialog. Some on the nose. Need more subtext. They're explaining themselves too much.
They should mask their actual feelings a little. Don't be so blatant. The audience is smart and they'll
figure out what they're saying to each other.
LEXI-BELLE - Likeable. Nice quirk with her list of signs. She has a philosophy about soul mates. She has
a goal which is to find him, but it's not really tangible. Meaning the story could go on and on. We don't really
know when it'll end.
NINA - Hot woman but a bitch. Such a cliche' character. One dimensional. Your antags should be multidimensional too.
MILES - One dimensional. Too great of a guy. Has no flaws. What does he like in NINA? Who would keep going out with someone like that?
He seems like he can get any woman. It's gotta be more than going out with a trophy
woman. Guys that go out with those kind of women are not the greatest guys themselves.
Also how come he can't tell that Lexi likes him? Should be obvious.
Seems to be a lot of characters and mostly used for a particular function.
What's the use of Kool D? Comic relief?
Carl? What's his function? Kate and Justice? They're all friends but their roles aren't really meaningful. At least with
Carl his story ties with the theme.
A movie star invites some really giddy fans over for some breakfast. Hmm.. not sure
about that. Most stars would avoid them. Now if he was an old star who's fame is gone, yeah
I'd believe that.
since my last three films were successful comedies
On the nose
Yeah, girl, we all knew him! He’s a
gorgeous movie star!
sounds on the nose
I now notice the tie-in between Lexi's soul mate signs and the fall. Good idea.
However maybe you shouldn't really point it out too much. I think it would work better
if you spoon feed it to the audience.
Actually, Nina and Miles are in a dead stare.
Nina is looking like she's too evil. You shouldn't make your Antags too one sided. She
needs to be multidimensional. Why would Miles still even be with her? She's only a girlfriend
not his wife.
Conversation seems forced here. The cabbie is a bit nosy.
I don't think you need them to talk that much. Just have nina storm out
You can have him stare after her. The cabbie ask what he wants to do and Miles say 75th and CPW.
Sometimes no dialog is better. We can understand that Miles is thinking and
maybe feels guilty.
I think the format would be
Good reveal of Miles and Alberta connection. I was wondering what her role was.
Phone bank? No cell phone or smart phone?
A little too convenient that Nina is at the airport.
Nina flies in from NYC just at the same time Kate and Alberta
are at the airport.
private jet? Who's jet is that? Too convenient.
It's ok. The fountain being this magical real thing.
It reminds me a little bit like the ending of Shrek.
I like the fact that you turned the ugly inside to ugly outside. And the beautiful to beautiful,
but I think Lexi shouldn't have even tried to drink the water. Her inner need should be
that she's comfortable about her appearance. She shouldn't need this fountain and she should
state that before she falls in. Maybe it would be better if Nina tackles Miles into the water.
You also should beef up the relationship between Hercules and Sula. It's too fast that they
like each other and Sula should look beautiful at the end since Hercules looks good.
Overall it wasn't a bad story, but not a great story either. read
by xpertcage on 01/04/2011Okay. This was a tough one to evaluate. I'm very curious to read the other reviews. First and foremost, regardless of the story itself, I'd like to mention that you handled the third act very well. The pacing was great, and the aftermath was suitable. This was a light-hearted comedy... I get it. But I had a problem with RAS. I'm wondering if he couldn't be a magician... Okay. This was a tough one to evaluate. I'm very curious to read the other reviews.
First and foremost, regardless of the story itself, I'd like to mention that you handled the third act very well. The pacing was great, and the aftermath was suitable.
This was a light-hearted comedy... I get it. But I had a problem with RAS. I'm wondering if he couldn't be a magician who can make himself appear, rather than... what he was. The whole disappearing into thin air thing, I just couldn't buy it. But that's okay. Just my opinion and it may be in the minority.
Also, didn't feel like Miles and Lexi-Belle should have ended up together. Thought the lesson would have been learned by Miles if Lexi-Belle ended up with Hercules.
This was a mix of WHEN IN ROME and SHALLOW HAL.
I appreciate the writer's attention to detail, pacing, and comic timing (for the most part).
I feel the dialogue was the weakest part as there wasn't much left to the imagination and a lot was on the nose. Also, a lot of monologues. The writer missed a lot of opportunities to use reversals to pump up the comedy.
This was a very good effort and obviously the screenwriter had a wonderful sense of the story she wanted to tell.
Good job and good luck. read
by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 01/04/2011I like the title. First five pages. Good opening. Each of the characters seems to have a specific voice and a pretty realistic personality. Lexi's wants and needs are present. Good start. Not sure why Miles is hanging out with them. Is he just being nice? Is he trying to sleep with one or all of them? 9 - Don't like the line: ...since my last three films were successful... I like the title.
First five pages. Good opening. Each of the characters seems to have a specific voice and a pretty realistic personality. Lexi's wants and needs are present. Good start.
Not sure why Miles is hanging out with them. Is he just being nice? Is he trying to sleep with one or all of them?
9 - Don't like the line: ...since my last three films were successful comedies... Too expositional. Work it in more naturally.
12 - Aw, shit. you do think I'm ugly. Capitalize "You".
19 - Good job making Lexi-Belle likable so far. She's easy to root for.
20 - Don't like Nina's line when she meets Lexi-Belle. I understand you're trying to make her unlikable, but this came across as a little to stereotypically fake.
32 - Great. I'm named after him. Rework this line. Sounds fake.
32 - Miles Davis isn't still alive.
34 - HA! Love the Miles voice over after he has already jumped in the water.
35 - Everything is good so far but I don't see why Miles is going through all of this. Why is he skipping his flight? How has Lexi-Belle got him interested? Show us.
38 - What woman would honestly have ANY interest in a guy who said she would perfect if only she were beautiful. That's a pretty terrible thing to say. Makes him unlikable and I don't understand why she's interested in him. That, combined with all his talk about how Nina's so beautiful that that is all he needs, makes him very unlikable and makes me lose interest in him as a character.
47 - Hmm we headed back to Chicago with no warning and nothing to signify that we were leaving St. Thomas. Then we switch to NYC for ten pages. Are you sure you want to be jumping back and forth between these two cities? I'm not sure how this all works out but you might consider putting them both in the same city, or cutting the scenes with Miles in NYC. We aren't learning anything new about him here, and any plot developments that happen don't affect the story (the story being Lexi_Belle's story). This is about her, right? So don't show Miles that much unless his actions are directly affecting her.
Well the rest of this moves along very quickly. I really couldn't find much to complain about. Very few spelling or grammatical errors. It's a nice ending.
The only real problems I have are with Miles and how he talks about how important beauty is to him. Other than that, everything is very good. The characters are all good, distinguishable. I especially found a lot of humor in Nina.
Sorry I don't have more to say, but take that as a compliment. Everything is done so well here that there's very little left for me to critique.
Best of luck! read
by crazrick on 01/03/2011Deb First, let me reiterate (in case you missed it in the Headline) Woohoo! for finally becoming an Advanced User of TS, by uploading your first screenplay for (gasp-gulp) dreaded Peer Review! Yay! woohoo! isn't this fun?! I couldn't wait to finally read a new fresh draft after helping you with several attempts at polishing this beast over the last, what has it been--... Deb
First, let me reiterate (in case you missed it in the Headline)
Woohoo! for finally becoming an Advanced User of TS, by uploading your first screenplay for (gasp-gulp) dreaded Peer Review! Yay! woohoo! isn't this fun?!
I couldn't wait to finally read a new fresh draft after helping you with several attempts at polishing this beast over the last, what has it been-- 3 years now? Woohoo! the excitement!
LOVEDOOMED is one of my favorite concepts of yours; the characters with all the conflict inherent in their personalities, based on nothing more than the relationships established in the opening pages, their conflicting, contrasting professional lives and personality quirks-- delightful set-up, ripe with the possibility of a great blend of rom-com conflict!! woo hoo! I read this latest draft expecting to see a Plain Jane on a magical quest for superficial reward to woo and win the man of her dreams, her soulmate love...
in my humble amateurish opinion, the story here fails to live up to those expectations, and I tell you why:
Lexi-- the plain Jane photographer, believes in soulmate love, one true love of a lifetime, and, at 30, she believes she will find that love when that love is ready to find her, according to the 5-- no, 7-- soul-mate signs. It's great how optimistic she is on page 1, even as she passes the 'big 3-Oh!No!' with menopause 'right around the corner'... possibly another 30+ years away. Yes, I suppose that is funny (depending on delivery, of course) but it also sets Lexi up as perfectly content, willing to wait for love, for all the signs to play out...
unfortunately, that conversation suddenly leads our girl Lexi to the conclusion that she will undoubtedly be 'lovedoomed' BECAUSE she has turned 30 and only has scant 30+ more years before menopause... for a girl who has waited 30 years, content, has devise a series of signs to point to true, eternal soul-mate love being struck with the self-realized idea that such a love may not exist feels rom-com contrived at best, sloppy lazy story-telling at worst. She's happy, her gal-pals are happy, having fun, none of them is tied down or caught up in any relationship with any one true love-- there's no reason at all for this trip to suddenly become love-or-death for Lexi...
she needs someone ELSE to suggest 'lovedoomed' to have that idea creep into her perfect little lazy-crazy days of Carnivale, while she waits for perfect soulmate love to wander up and (1) catch her when she falls, (2) always be there, (3) treat her better than he treats himself, (4) feel deja-vuey, (5) share common interests and (6) feels like they are in a world all their own, while waiting for (7) the fireworks kiss...
maybe she needs Ras, the 'Revered One' spiritualist, to suggest a consequence for missing out on true soulmate love, to drive her to the insanity of seeking his Fountain of Beauty
the way she 'stumbles' upon the Fountain now, just because tra-la-la, she happens to read a book of island folklore in the bathroom moments after she happens to fall for Miles, moments after she happens to suddenly have a panic attack over magically realizing she may one day be lovedoomed.... is one contrivance after another.
granted, this is just a fluffy rom-com, but that is no excuse for sloppy lazy story-telling (ask Nora Ephron)
you are allowed ONE and ONLY ONE leap of faith coincidental incidental accidental magical moment to flip things around and upside down; LOVEDOOMED has 3 or 4 of those incidents back-to-back-to-back... to-back, contrived and designed to force the story in the direction it needs to go
another thing: there is no set-up, no 'real world' no stasis = death, besides the contrived notion that love will cease to exist for anyone and everyone-- but especially for Lexi-Belle-- now that she has hit 30 and all this love-ceasing-to-exist will occur before she hits the menopause age of... 31...
without that forced flip on page 3, all your people are perfectly happy content in their careers, make enough money to fly back and forth from Chicago to New York to the Caribbean at least twice--- in Lexi's case it's 3 times back-to-back-to-back. Sure, Miles is slightly discontent with being typecast into comedy as a 'serious' and dashingly handsome actor, he wants to do serious roles. But, he's an actor, living the dream, with super-model escorts at his beckon call, and his life or livelihood is never threatened, nor is Lexi's career ever on the rocks even as her lovedoomed status settles in... essentially, there are no 'real' stakes here; Lexi has been content to wait for love for 30 years on page 1, contrivance forces her to scramble to latch onto one true soulmate love on page 3, but, if she fails, she will be stuck waiting for... 30 years, until menopause... she just got thru contentedly waiting for 30 years, she knows she can contendly do so, so there is no 'ticking clock' regardless what you hope we readers will believe based on the words you use on the page-- the FEELING I get is that there is nothing really at stake here
starting in 'the magic world' by putting everyone on the island doesn't let us see any sort of struggle, any sort of 'real world' angst... it's simply 3 hot to tro 'young' ladies single and ready to mingle in one of the most lush and lovely places on the planet to find lust or soulmate love. The idea that it takes even a scant 96 pages/minutes to find lust/love on a Caribbean Island over Carnivale-- for 2 hot sexy ladies and their lovedoomed gal-pal-- it's not a convincing set-up.
Though, there are a few quality character quirks, with Kate being feisty-- maybe angry for not finding love herself?-- and Justice as the level-headed voice of reason, but you don't do enough with the differences of opinion, the conflict you could bring upon these 3 friends.... every conversation is incidental, with a contrived sprinkle of story-driving stuff, but mostly it's sassy snark back-talk banter, or mild meaningless chit-chat between friends, an attempt at mindless humor (this is listed as Comedy after all) but feels like you could accomplish what you need to accomplish with this story in 80 pages or less, if you cut all the 'fun, mindless' banter and stick to story-telling stuff... and, of course, 80 pages or less would be bad for TS upload purposes. so, again, feels forced to meet requirements, rather than organically built to drive a compelling narrative toward a desired end.
Lexi the plain Jane photog vs Miles, the beauty junky actor = rom-com gold!!!!! EPICWIN! WOOT!! WOO HOO!!
throw in selfish cunt Nina as the superest supermodel of Miles life (and probably carrying Miles manhood around in her purse, or worn as earrings) and you have all you need to drive a fun frantic rom-com caper thru the Caribbean... the exchanges between the three of them are classic and fun rom-com stuff. I could empathize with Miles plight, being stuck with a raging bitch who was all a man could ever want to dream about on the outside while being pursued by a plain reserved simple nice girl who would take care of him rather than always only ever focus on her own selfish needs...
except, in this case, at the point in the story when these 3 meet, Lexi has been 'forced' by the story, to take on some of Nina's selfish attitude-- Lexi MUST land Miles or she will never love again! just... because... you... need... that... time-clock... so, rather than be stuck between the hot selfish supermodel and the plain content reserved photographer, Miles is stuck between the selfish supermodel and the selfish photographer. Not. Enough. Conflicting. Conflict. Too much same same conflict. Even in the end, Miles RACES to stop Lexi from... from becoming as beautiful as Nina, whom Miles had chosen at least TWICE over Lexi over the course of 90 pages...
meanwhile, Nina also RACES to... to stop Miles from stopping Lexi from becoming as beautiful as Nina herself. Does that make sense? Selfish supermodel Nina in a race to stop her man from stopping a Plain Jane from becoming beautiful, to compete with her own beauty... Nina wants to prevent Miles from STOPPING LEXI FROM COMPETING WITH NINA'S BEAUTY. No, Nina would LET Miles prevent Lexi from becoming beautiful; Nina uses her hotness to win Miles back to the sack; if Lexi remains plain, Nina can always win. For Nina to move to stop Miles from stopping Lexi from becoming beautiful?????? WTF?!?!
of course, once at the fountain, Nina reverts to selfish character and wants all the beauty of the magic fountain for herself, but the contrived notion that got her to the fountain-- stopping Miles from stopping Lexi from becoming equally beautiful-- doesn't make sense, to me.
Alberta as Miles' plain, content mother works, but not enough time spent building that conflict either... apparently-- when Miles went away and 'went Hollywood' got plastic surgery and gave up 'who he was' for who he wanted to look like-- that drove Alberta to sever all ties? seems an extreme measure for a loving mother to take over a few slice from a scalpel, if those efforts help improve her son's outlook and introspection on his life, no??
Ras works in his role as mysterious mystic, tho his motives are not clear-- why did he summon Lexi 'a month ago'?? and how? he apparently wants to show ugly women to his magic fountain... but then, why is it such the secret/legend?? making him hard of hearing so that his soul-sensing abilities are honed is a cool touch, limp-and-eyepatch all the way! woo hoo! but, again, his misinterpretations of dialogue bits 'just for fun and laughs' sometimes fall flat...
'yes I crest in space...' WTF?!?
how about Ras, you're a stupid fool!
RAS: Yes, for a whore, Cupid is cool...
at least that plays back into the mystical magical quest for love, rather than nonsensical gibberish about cresting in space. WTF?!?
Herc and Sula come off as extraneous contrivances... you need Herc as 'other man'-- the other possible love interest for Lexi after the inevitable All is Lost between her and Miles. So, you don't need Sula... except to give Herc some one true love to fall back on after Lexi 'goes all selfish Nina' and settles for/demands Miles love for herself... again, contrived. There is a place for two plain islanders to find love with each other, but as it stands, you don't do enough to explore this quaint coupling. Of course you don't; you focus on the pretty people, which is ironic considering the secondary theme that beauty should not matter in matters of true soulmate love...
that brings me to Theme. The Theme Stated moment-- what the story seems to be geared toward is 'find soulmate love or be lovedoomed forever'... that's the Set-Up-- thru 14 pages. After that set up, suddenly it becomes about Pretty People vs Plain or Just Plain Ugly People-- and a secondary Theme about being true to ones self regardless how one looks, or:
...to be content with what life gives you, rather than go to extremes to get all that much more out of life...
THAT makes for a better Theme, which forces the soulmate love theme off the map-- which means the first 14 pages of 96 "don't count"... so, again, we're down to telling the 96-page story in 80 pages.
you force both themes to smash together, Lexi finds soulmate love with Miles after everyone tastes the magic of the fountain of beauty-- ie, in the end, nobody is truly content with what they have-- yet, the only one who suffers lasting effects is, of course, the Villain, Nina.. even tho you go to lengths to force Lexi into becoming exactly the same level of selfish bitch as Nina. Oh, yes, Lexi is the 'hero' so she must only accidentally swallow a speck of a drop of the magic water... only to have... nothing. happens. to. her. at. all... any way...
so, in the end, the magic of the fountain, the secondary quest to answer the secondary theme-- the theme which becomes more important-- is pointless, useless, ineffective resolution, while, like magic, the original theme of finding soulmate love or becoming lovedoomed is answered, when selfish Lexi wins mooning Miles away from selfish scale-faced Nina. It's dizzying, the logic you must have used (if you used any at all) coming to that conclusion after this story played itself out...
also, my opinion, everyone leaving the island, leaving the upside down magical world, signals the end of the island's importance and any magic found therein should be abandoned thusly. Because you start with everyone on the island, that confuses things when it comes to Where does the Magic Upside-Down World end, and the return to the real world begin again... thesis, anti-thesis, synthesis. Regular World, Magical Upside Down World, New World (or Regular World, revised). Simple story-telling 101. And, as this is a story that could be told in 80 pages, it should be simple. Is the island the Real World? OK, so when the whole group leaves the island to return to Chicago and NYC, that should be where the magic happens. That's fine. But, no magic happens off-island either, following the 'magical' moments shared between Lexi and Miles on the regular world of the island. It's obvious you intended for Chicago and NYC to be Real Regular World setting, the Island to be the Magical upside down World. But, since very little time is actually spent in Chicago or NYC, it's hard to assume those are real-world either, also, too, as well. The Fountain is the magic, but that set piece becomes something of a deus ex machina to finally bring the story to its end; nobody really chased the magic of the fountain for 80% of the story. ie, the structure of the story as it currently stands, is confusing on this most simple basic level.
In a story of 96 pages, the Break Into 2 should happen around page 22.. this is Blackbeard's Castle, it's Lexi at work, the most 'real world' the story ever gets, when it should be flipping into the plain photographer's quest for magic beauty to woo the actor away from the supermodel at this point. The quest for magic beauty doesn't kick in until page 77... 77 to 96 is only 19 pages.
For a story that sets up soulmate love for 20 pages, abandons soulmate love for beauty vs plain Jane for 60 pages, paying off the beauty vs plain Jane by racing for the magic beauty aid WORKS! so, you don't need the soulmate signs stuff... page 22 is Lexi angling for the fireworks kiss test, testing the soulmate signs, which the story is no longer about since it has flipped to the beauty vs plain Jane theme... in fact, up until page 77 when the race for magic beauty finally kicks in, the story seems to revert to testing the soulmate signs again, and forces Herc (and poor put-upon drag-along tag-along Sula) into the middle of that convoluted mess, when it should be gearing up for the quest for magic beauty!! Story structure is all out of whack!
lastly, cosmetics, since that is what the story is about... except when it's about the contrived ticking clock of menopause being around the corner at age 30--
use about 95% less --
and 95% less ...
maybe you didn't notice my liberal use of -- and ... here in review, but they are there, and they bothered me while writing them, on purpose. So, I wonder if you are even aware of the sheer volume of -- and ... used??
every single conversation in the first 30 pages is -- chopped-up ... dangling... --incomplete-- rambling... babbling... --- Morse Code--- ... --- ... EVERY-- SINGLE... one!?! .-. -.-
everyone talks over everyone, no single point is made, which forces more and more pages of dialogue, to play catch-up... that's sloppy.
Sure, sure, it's 'real' but then there is magic and menopause at 31 which are 'unreal' so keeping it 'real' in dialogue to excuse padding pages of light trite storytelling, is just bad form. Tell the story, let the characters flesh themselves out in the first 25 pages; let the creative force called 'Actors' figure out where and when to talk over each other, cut each other short, completely flip the script by snapping off about WHAT ABOUT THE STEAK KNIVES!?! while Lexi is trying to woo her way into her newest truest bluest one and only soulmate love of her life, before she dies an shriveled barren old maid at age 35
you also use ITALICS for emphasis, which are hard to notice, hard to distinguish from flaws in printing (you also use a few ALL CAPS moments, which is SCREAMING according to internet rules, but screenplays only just recently started being uploaded to interwebs, so... use UNDERLINE for ALL EMPHASIS
spelling, formatting all that stuff is passable-- Final Draft is awesome, eh? almost takes all the 'work' out of screenwriting, right?-- almost...
all in all, not a bad first upload, Advanced User AngelB Deb... except where it is bad, that is
but, then, what should I expect from another stab at fluff-filled rom-com, right?
by tarboy on 01/03/2011Congratulations on finishing the story that was within you. I look forward to an interesting read. This is going to be my fifth time I starting this story in the last twenty minutes. I want to be clear what these thirty yr olds are talking about. Now I am focus. Two subjects I speak about are relationships and photography P3 lol She was a bad lover. Most people are too stupid... Congratulations on finishing the story that was within you. I look forward to an interesting read. This is going to be my fifth time I starting this story in the last twenty minutes. I want to be clear what these thirty yr olds are talking about.
Now I am focus. Two subjects I speak about are relationships and photography
P3 lol She was a bad lover. Most people are too stupid to realize the important of being a great lover.
Lenny passed all the signs and he still dumped me for that stripper,
This is going to be an interesting story. If a WOMAN does not have a strong relationship by the age of 35. Her chances of finding happiness are50/50. Very few men are looking for a woman in there 40s
I’ve been thinking...We’re 30... Menopause is just around the corner. So, if you let your true soulmate slip away...you could be--
You could be what?
You could be lovedoomed for life.
This remind me of “How Stella Got Her Groove”
P3 In your description there is no mention of glasses and straw hat. According to what you wrote we can see his face.
MILES ANTHONY— 39, black, movie star handsome.
Lol!!! When Leix-Belle reached for his glasses… Miles (39) would have dropped her. He would have put her down as he said, “Are you alright?” he has a woman… he is a celebrity.
I have photography the biggest hip-hop stars in the world. None of them would invite stranger/groupie to breakfast.
Hey, you and your friends wanna grab some breakfast over there at Blue Moon?
You have no reason why Miles would want to be bothered with these people.
What about this do you think will be interesting? How many times have you seen two people on a public beach where people are eating? And a conga-line?
He stares at the contortionist lovers.
Lucky you’re on sand. You okay?
The only person on the covers of these magazines was Oparh.
I see her all the time in Essence, Ebony...Vogue.
This is a good chance for Miles to get some good press
My photography showing at Blackbeard’s Castle. Part of the proceeds go to my foundation for kids with special needs —— Windy City Love.
Lol!!! Give his number? Did you not read your description of Nina. (Hot looking, hot dressing...hot tempered) Miles would know better than to hang out with another woman. You have not given a reason for him too.
But I’ll give you my number and we can talk about i—
I look forward to hear what he will tell Nina he is going to be doing
Are you making this up as you go along?
CAP characters when you introduce them.
Nina Chaud, a 24 year old busty black/Latin supermodel,
RAS (40), golden dreadlock
I understand you point of view how you treat a person is important, but in the real world looks matter. This also reminds me of “Just Wright” Paula Patton is your Nina. Queen Latifah is Lexi-Belle and Common is Miles.
P24 LOL!! You know when Nina gets Miles alone she is going to get him for talking about
I’m no defenseless sofa!
Do not use Parenthetical for action lines
(she shakes her head)
Lexi-Belle reminds me of women with weaves and nails, but lack the common since to workout. Confidence with a firm tight body is sexy. It’s sad she doesn’t find beauty in herself, but is looking for a fountain, and her friends are for her looking better. Why don’t people accept people for how they are?
Lexi-Belle will never be beautiful until she LOVES herself.
The plan was simple. Nina runs away, leaves Miles alone, I go to the Fountain and come back to Miles beautiful.
You do not have to state the obvious. We know the iguana’s not going to speak.
Miles shows no interest in Lexi-Belle.
This is sweet
This gets Lexi-Belle’s attention. She takes out a business card. Writes. And hands it to him.
Here’s where I’m staying. Give me a call, later, and we’ll see. She smiles a playful “take that”at her stunned friends.
We come together where it counts —— if you know what I mean.
Wow. That’s shallow.
Hmmm...Wow...A beautiful Lexi- Belle. You’d be perfect. You think he’ll take you tomorrow?
Hercules is more her speed.
Hercules and Lexi-Belle taking in the lights and beauty of the islands as they sip cocktails.
Lexi-Belle breathes again.
I always try to not use words such as BEGIN, START, BACK, STILL, CONTINUES, ING. AGAIN I just think it helps the story flow better.
People must think you’re good in the sack if someone actually married you.
What, you stutter now?
He said this on the island. Looks matter He can’t get it up looking at her.
Why can’t soulmates just be good friends, Lex?
Beauty — is not caused
Beauty — be not caused.
Good luck with your story. read
by army_man71655 on 01/02/2011Foremost, it's probably necessary to state how utterly subjective comedy is - likely much more so than other film genres. I, for one, with the hope of coming off as constructive and honest, did not find this screenplay to be funny. Granted, this is certainly a light-hearted romantic film with some lowbrow dialogue and action sequences. However, to specify this as a pure... Foremost, it's probably necessary to state how utterly subjective comedy is - likely much more so than other film genres. I, for one, with the hope of coming off as constructive and honest, did not find this screenplay to be funny. Granted, this is certainly a light-hearted romantic film with some lowbrow dialogue and action sequences. However, to specify this as a pure comedy will only serve to alienate most readers I would think. As to whether or not the comedy of this screenplay is enjoyed by other readers, I cannot say.
Despite the screenplay not appealing to my personal preferences for humor, I do feel that I can provide some constructive and useful feedback in relation to the characters, storyline, etc. Overall, I rated this screenplay below average not because the writer lacks talent (actually, I think the writing was very respectable) or that the theme lacks merit, but because of overall weaknesses in the core aspects of the screenplay. For starters, let’s explore the concept of being ‘lovedoomed’. I’m not an avid watcher of romantic films but I can say I’ve been ‘forced’ to sit through quite a few over the years. I find that most romantic films are generally the same, oftentimes with a little bit of uniqueness thrown in to add to the freshness while staying consistent with the tried-and-true romantic structure. I don’t recall ever coming across the idea of being lovedoomed and I’m thinking this concept could have some commercial appeal.
In terms of the characters, there’s a lot of work that needs to be done here, in my opinion. More attention needs to be paid to exploring the dimensions of each character. We learn that Miles is superficial but eventually learns better, we learn that Lexi-Belle is an ‘ugly’ girl who feels as though that’s working against her… and that’s about it. Sure, Miles is an actor and Lexi-Belle is a photographer. BUT, there isn’t enough depth with any of the characters for anyone to identify with them. I’d like to know more about these people before I invest my emotions into them.
In terms of the overall story, I’d say it’s about the same as the characters – lacking depth. I found myself a bit bored through much of the screenplay. The writing was quality but it didn’t seem like the characters ever really did anything other than talk about love (e.g. their fascination with Miles), drink, and fight. There’s nothing wrong with that but the story would be much more interesting if there were some interesting things going on throughout all the while intermixing the emotional struggle of the characters.
In terms of dialogue, I think you have quite a bit. That’s good – dialogue is tough and definitely a challenge for me personally. However, I will just comment that much of it seems redundant and doesn’t progress the story forward in a meaningful way. A writer only has between 90-120 pages to make an impression on the reader (and hopefully viewing audience) – so make each line count. Also, I noticed that the dialogue gets cut off in a lot of places – usually because another character begins interjects and cuts them off. I think some of this is okay but there were some places where it seemed a bit excessive and that made it difficult for me, the reader, to get into the flow of screenplay.
From a technical standpoint, everything looked solid. I saw a few instances where vocal patterns were shown through the written dialogue. I had this (though more of it, I’d say) in a screenplay I had reviewed by ScriptShark.com. For example, if I had an Asian character with broken English, I was trying to write that in the actual dialogue instead of just stating that the character spoke broken English. For that, the script reader was under the impression I had typos; in actuality, it was deliberate. Also, certain sources advise against this type of thing. Therefore, my recommendation is to remove unless it overwhelmingly adds to the script.
In summary, thank you for permitting me to read and review your screenplay. Good luck to you!
by CrabbyLady on 01/02/2011You definitely have something here, but it's not quite there yet. I feel you have everything, but it seemed and seems a bit scattered right now. I liked the idea of the "Fountain of Youth" and the 'plain Jane' aching to be beautiful. It's a bit cliched that she already is inside and doesn't realize it, but haven't we all been there at one time or another? The fashion model... You definitely have something here, but it's not quite there yet. I feel you have everything, but it seemed and seems a bit scattered right now.
I liked the idea of the "Fountain of Youth" and the 'plain Jane' aching to be beautiful. It's a bit cliched that she already is inside and doesn't realize it, but haven't we all been there at one time or another?
The fashion model Nina was just TOO cliched, but I have to admit she was fun to read about. And what was REALLY sad is there are men out there who do exactly what you depict Miles doing. Outside beauty is everything; validation from a beautiful woman more important than breathing. The fact that she hurls knives was an interesting touch. It's amazing in 'real life' the drama that couples will put up with.
Lexi was sweet and I personally could relate with her wanting desperately to be beautiful. I would have liked Justice and Kate to be fed up with her whining about her looks, but then again, friends sometimes will agree with you just out of frustration.
You do have some nice moments such as when the girls first run into Miles ("You're my biggest fan!", "And he didn't even try!") Kate falling on her butt, and the snowball fight (that was quite good), but as I mentioned, it was all a bit scattered for me.
I just feel you need to focus this a bit more. For instance, Lexi is in NY, then Chicago, then St. Thomas then back again. I couldn't really keep up, and had to go back and reread. Perhaps that was your intention, but I found it a bit distracting (and that's just my opinion).
Also focus more on Lexi and Miles. They have a few fine moments when they are connecting, but maybe if they're not really realizing they are. Sometimes it's only when you look back on a date or a 'meeting up' that you realize what a great time you had. It would work more that Miles sees what a 'normal' girl can offer. The way you have him described, he's a self-centered, needs attention and validation from beautiful women at all times type of guy and I personally was ready to kick his ass. Hence, if you had more scenes where he's realizing he deserves more, but needs to give more, it would have worked better for this reader.
I did like that Alberta was Miles' mother - I wasn't expecting that and it was a nice touch. She was a real 'character' as well (pun intended) and the reason she and Miles stopped speaking was unique and actually worked.
I definitely would keep the "Fountain" aspect as there is NO ONE on Earth who wouldn't try it. I did like that you hinted that they weren't necessarily changing on the outside; it would have been more interesting though if only they (individually) noticed a change, and that change being that they really aren't as bad as they envision themselves. I personally didn't like that Hercules changed. He came across as a real sweetie, and the fact that Sula could see that and didn't care about anything else would have been enough for me. Ditto about Nina; she was who she was. Perhaps if she doesn't change and yet, no one cared, and she realizes no one thinks she's as important as SHE does.
On the technical side, you do have a habit of over describing, but we all do that. Just be advised you WILL hear about that on this site! I also noticed a few errors:
Page 8: Capitalize Nina Chaud - you're introducing a new character.
Page 13: "...runs fingers through her own hai..." Did you intend to cut this off?
Just suggestions. There is a story here, a lot people can relate to, and I would really encourage you to keep going. Best of luck to you and HAPPY NEW YEAR! read
- Writer: AngelB
- Uploaded by: AngelB
- Length: 96 pages
- Genre: comedy
- Thanks so much Amazing Triggerstreet Writers! I've enjoyed calling this place my second home! Thanks for all the golden advice and inspiration! Here's my first screenplay! Hugs
- Bio: I'm a writer and a Mom trying to make a dream come true!
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