Reviews of Masked in Deception (revised) 19

• 
  Unmasked
  A review of Masked in Deception (revised)
  by djhemphill on 11/23/2003
  Well written, well structured and some good dialogue. All in all, a very formulaic, commercially focused, standard piece of fare – albeit with a rather ambitious and somewhat contrived ending. Also wondered about the lack of heat after a million dollar heist. The writer certainly knows his craft but I feel the work needs to find more of an edge to lift it out of the ordinary... Well written, well structured and some good dialogue. All in all, a very formulaic, commercially focused, standard piece of fare – albeit with a rather ambitious and somewhat contrived ending. Also wondered about the lack of heat after a million dollar heist. The writer certainly knows his craft but I feel the work needs to find more of an edge to lift it out of the ordinary in terms of appeal. Polished but predictable – but that’s also true of most movies of this genre. Plenty of potential and could easily find a home on film or TV. Page 82, hopping has two “p�s. read
• 
  A good start
  A review of Masked in Deception (revised)
  by CANIS MAJOR on 11/03/2003
  If it wasn't for the "revised" tag by the title, I would've judged this high-energy heist to be a first draft. For all intents and purposes, it still is.The plot has all of the hallmarks of the genre, but the obligatory twists and double-crosses feel forced and unnatural. Don't get me wrong, this kind of story isn't easy to pull off: the mechanics of a professional con have... If it wasn't for the "revised" tag by the title, I would've judged this high-energy heist to be a first draft. For all intents and purposes, it still is.The plot has all of the hallmarks of the genre, but the obligatory twists and double-crosses feel forced and unnatural. Don't get me wrong, this kind of story isn't easy to pull off: the mechanics of a professional con have to be thoroughly planned by the writer to make it believable. It's this planning that isn't clear in the current draft, the feeling that there is a plan that is being perpetrated by smart people on slightly less smart people who think they're the smarter ones. It's a tough balance, what with it ending up that the audience needs to feel like both the deceiver AND the deceived.With the help of very snappy dialogue, some characters manage to distinguish themselves every now and then, but for the most part are talking in plot-driven cliches. For example, the lead female's set-up is quite strong and capable, but takes steps backward from there, ultimately ending up as a simple barganing chip. Overall, this script needs another serious rewrite with attention to creating distinctive character voices that are served by a deliberately twisted plot. read
• 
  Thrilling
  A review of Masked in Deception (revised)
  by jeffbo on 08/26/2003
  First of all, this is the first crime/drama I've read that didn't make me want to take a shower after spending time with the characters. Smokey, Mason and Nester were very likable, human characters, which made the script a pleasure to read. the humor worked. The plot was well thought out, although I got a little confused at the end, but that could have been my fault. The one... First of all, this is the first crime/drama I've read that didn't make me want to take a shower after spending time with the characters. Smokey, Mason and Nester were very likable, human characters, which made the script a pleasure to read. the humor worked. The plot was well thought out, although I got a little confused at the end, but that could have been my fault. The one thing I'd work on is development of the femal characters. Wanda was a bit one dimensional, even though it was an interesting dimension, it's been done before. The all knowing (double) minority is becoming a cliche, even in commercials. But, all in all, a fun read with production possibilities. read
• 
  Very commercial!
  A review of Masked in Deception (revised)
  by LauriD on 07/14/2003
  "Barbershop" meets "Oceans 11"? This is a comedy/caper set in the LA crime world and it's got the best commercial potential of anything I've read on Trigger Street. Good characters (including a scary villain in Hector), vivid settings, authentic and funny dialogue, and a story that keeps you guessing to the end with some good tension and reversals. However, this needs... "Barbershop" meets "Oceans 11"? This is a comedy/caper set in the LA crime world and it's got the best commercial potential of anything I've read on Trigger Street. Good characters (including a scary villain in Hector), vivid settings, authentic and funny dialogue, and a story that keeps you guessing to the end with some good tension and reversals. However, this needs some cleaning up before it can go out to the market. There are too many examples of poor grammar and word usage -- apostrophes misused, etc. Some odd phrases: "abound with pedestrian," "a numerous pile," and "nuzzle about the room" are distracting. We meet too many characters too fast in the first 20 pages; hard to tell them apart. Make each one more distinct on entrance -- not just by physical appearance. Pg 40: the cops wouldn't questions him with his lawyer on the way; the case would get tossed. (I'd like the see the lawyer as a character, by the way.) There's no need to use camera directions. Pg. 58: the lab is getting into James Bond territory and not plausible unless intorduced MUCH earlier. Pg. 82: How can the feds be in the dark if the story is on the front page of the paper? But overall good work! read
• 
  Just a little more tape
  A review of Masked in Deception (revised)
  by estein on 06/30/2003
  I enjoyed reading this screenplay. The characters have depth and the story moves along without bogging down. It is enough for me to recommend it with reservations. The reservations are: There are some scenes that some work. The scene where the father and son speak at the jail and they wind up with tears – and then soon after the father speaks with Mason and again it's... I enjoyed reading this screenplay. The characters have depth and the story moves along without bogging down. It is enough for me to recommend it with reservations. The reservations are: There are some scenes that some work. The scene where the father and son speak at the jail and they wind up with tears – and then soon after the father speaks with Mason and again it's tearful. Its just too over the top. I liked the relationship between Smokey and Janis. I thought a little more would be nice.The story is real good. I thought the robbery at the beginning was good. I found the cops were a bit too convenient to the story. They were the perpetrators of the story but I didn't find them believable enough. I think the author should concentrate on that a bit more.But again, good read. Thanks. read
• 
  Comedy could provide some answers
  A review of Masked in Deception (revised)
  by Roonblah on 05/25/2003
  I think the concept is solid. There were definitely some interesting twists and turns with the initial heist and Janis circumventing the security system, but I must admit that I was getting a bit side-tracked sifting through all the descriptions and trying to remember all the characters introduced, and then sussing which were relevant. I feel like some of the scenes description... I think the concept is solid. There were definitely some interesting twists and turns with the initial heist and Janis circumventing the security system, but I must admit that I was getting a bit side-tracked sifting through all the descriptions and trying to remember all the characters introduced, and then sussing which were relevant. I feel like some of the scenes description could be tightened and shortened. I’m not sure if the flashback scene was necessary, I think we can work it out when we see everyone meeting up later. The dialogue can be trimmed too – less tell, more show. Some later dialogue also just echoes what was said before. And sometimes a single image can tell more than a large mass of dialogue, for example, have Wanda looking sexy, Hector sees her and smiles, cut to Wanda steps outside and checks tape recorder of him admitting his crime etc. You might want to get rid of the camera directions. Wacky thought that I had was that you might want to tone down the drama, and up the comedy and action. I was getting the Last Boyscout vibe in certain scenes. And to be honest, I think this movie should come close to 90/100 minutes. Thanks for the read. Hope it helps. read
• 
  It bears some similarity to....
  A review of Masked in Deception (revised)
  by djmasterscooter on 04/17/2003
  The Corey Haim/Leo Rossi Father/Son heist movies "Fast Getaway." I enjoyed the relationship between Nester and Smokey, but more character development is certainly needed for this. I don't believe that Ramirez makes a credible villain in a movie like this. This also contained way too much language. This might be something worth seeing with Mark Wahlberg if you can tone... The Corey Haim/Leo Rossi Father/Son heist movies "Fast Getaway." I enjoyed the relationship between Nester and Smokey, but more character development is certainly needed for this. I don't believe that Ramirez makes a credible villain in a movie like this. This also contained way too much language. This might be something worth seeing with Mark Wahlberg if you can tone it down a bit. read
• 
  Character development opportunities
  A review of Masked in Deception (revised)
  by jaloia on 04/11/2003
  There's some snappy, natural dialogue in this script. The opening is very action heavy and should be tightened up.I didn't get a quick sense as to who the main character was. You might want to consider leaving out the scene transitions.I love the Janis character. I'd like to see her and her relationship with Smokey developed. The Smokey/Nester relationship has lots of promise,... There's some snappy, natural dialogue in this script. The opening is very action heavy and should be tightened up.I didn't get a quick sense as to who the main character was. You might want to consider leaving out the scene transitions.I love the Janis character. I'd like to see her and her relationship with Smokey developed. The Smokey/Nester relationship has lots of promise, too, but feels underdeveloped. There are a few typos, but your time's better spent working on another draft honing structure and investing more in character relationships. Good start!A lot of potential in the characters you've dreamed up. read
• 
  Well put together
  A review of Masked in Deception (revised)
  by Spro on 03/28/2003
  You really know how to write a screenplay. You have all the basics down. Little things just go as follow. The climax is a little bland still. Knock that notch up a smidge and it will be kick-ass. You're dialogue is great, but Smokey's ebonical slang goes in and out. You have to watch that. And maybe add a lil more british spice to Janis. I wanted Mason to end up with... You really know how to write a screenplay. You have all the basics down. Little things just go as follow. The climax is a little bland still. Knock that notch up a smidge and it will be kick-ass. You're dialogue is great, but Smokey's ebonical slang goes in and out. You have to watch that. And maybe add a lil more british spice to Janis. I wanted Mason to end up with Wanda but that is just me. Also, if all they had was a million dollars, a yacht is kind of excessive. They would have no money left over. These are just little things, but I did enjoy the script. Good job! I hope my revisions helped. read
• 
  A good start.
  A review of Masked in Deception (revised)
  by mti350 on 03/26/2003
  I must admit, I liked this screenplay on the first read. It has a little bit of that Elmore Leonard/Donald Westlake feel to the story, especially in the crisp dialogue. However, it tends to get convoluted in places; i.e. too many characters, too many plot twists. And most importantly, there are some great characters here, but they seem to exist independently of each other... I must admit, I liked this screenplay on the first read. It has a little bit of that Elmore Leonard/Donald Westlake feel to the story, especially in the crisp dialogue. However, it tends to get convoluted in places; i.e. too many characters, too many plot twists. And most importantly, there are some great characters here, but they seem to exist independently of each other. Explore their relationships, cut out a few supporting characters, and trim some excess off the plot and I think it could be a winner. read