Reviews of Echoes 24

• 
  Review of Echoes
  A review of Echoes
  by 77kart on 05/20/2011
  Part 1: Running Notes p6. I’m on the borderline of being confused. Thus far, you’ve introduced several characters - Chris, Edie, Lars, dream figures - and several subplots - the dream, the dead cats, etc. - but they’re a hodgepodge. Have you introduced your characters correctly, so that we know them and their key traits? Examples, LA Confidential, The African Queen, Sideways...
  Part 1: Running Notes
  
  p6. I’m on the borderline of being confused. Thus far, you’ve introduced several characters - Chris, Edie, Lars, dream figures - and several subplots - the dream, the dead cats, etc. - but they’re a hodgepodge. Have you introduced your characters correctly, so that we know them and their key traits? Examples, LA Confidential, The African Queen, Sideways. Have you introduced your subplots so that the audience understands the issue and is - consciously or unconsciously - anticipating the development and resolution of same?
  
  Who’s the protag? Who’s the antag? What’s the central conflict?
  
  p11. Consider consolidating trench coat with Jonah.
  
  p13. Why does Edie go with this complete stranger? Eady in Heat had well developed character motivation to go with Neil McCauley. Not so with your Edie.
  
  p19. Origami is the Japanese art of paper folding. Why is middle-eastern, Arabic speaking Sabir doing oragami? It’s inconsistent with his character.
  
  Have you considered consolidating Lars with Sabir?
  
  p35. So, Sabir carries a large ornate knife and casually cuts the throat of the deer. And this doesn’t scare Edie, make her think what the hell she is doing in a car with knife-wielder, deer-throat cutter Sabir? She doesn’t run at the earliest oppty? Character plausibility issue.
  
  What’s your genre? I’m guessing it’s a Stephen king type horror. Either way, you need to do a better job of establishing your genre on pages 1&2.
  
  p48. The story is bogging down. You need to pursue the central conflict more aggressively.
  
  There’s a natural subplot that you haven’t exploited, i.e., the story of Shu Wong and her pals. You’ve revealed bare details of it but it could be a great parallel plot line, shown in flashback, developing every 10 pages or so. Examples: Ordinary People (death of Buck and Cal’s suicide) or Letters from Iwo Jima. .
  
  p56. Need to pick up the pace of the plot.
  
  p70. Trench coat and Jonah. What’s their purpose? Are they real or imagined? Why do you need them both? What purpose do they serve in the plot? Example: In Silence of the Lambs, Hannibal Lector serves as mentor and shadow to Clarice, such that we can’t imagine the film without him. Or, Trash Can Man in The Stand. By contrast, I don’t see any loss to your story if you deleted these 2.
  
  p73. Discovering the diary is a good twist, assuming there’s something good in it.
  
  p74. Edie and Sabir soul mates? This plot twist is completely unmotivated, needs work to make it plausible.
  
  p81. Lars is coming after them. Good, it’s an event lock that adds suspense. Try to develop it.
  
  Consider consolidating Lloyd and Bo.
  
  p93. How is it that Sabir can read Chinese? Have you considered making Sabir and Su Fong Japanese? Then, origami makes sense and he can read her diary.
  
  p93. re: the diary. consider developing it as a device rather than presenting it as a fait accomplis like Athena emerging in batlle armor from Zeus’s head. That is, reveal a little of it’s secrets at a time.
  
  ===========================
  Part 2: Analysis
  
  Concept:
  Two contemporary people feel a psychic attraction to a decades old murder. After a few twists and turns it’s revealed that they are the same two souls involved in the murder, that the murder was actually a suicide cum magic and the story concludes with them re-dying and immediately being reborn so that they can continue their eternal romance. It’s not a bad concept but the execution needs work.
  
  Plot:
  I didn’t quite buy the need for suicide, either in the flashbacks or the current plot lines. The plot should remove all other options. The final twist - the two being reborn world’s apart - is compelling but it needs support from the rest of the story.
  
  Structure:
  The story took a long time to get going. Try to make acts 1 and 2 as interesting as act 3 or, IMO, the reader won’t stick around long enough to get there.
  It also took a while for me to get the genre & tone. That needs to be established in the first 2 or 3 pages, otherwise the audience doesn’t know how to react. If this is horror, show something horrible on p2. To be fair, the lynch scene on p2 is a good start but can be executed better.
  
  Characters:
  I never really got into the character of Sabir. IMO, fewer literary quotes and more action would serve this character well. For example, I’d rather SEE him rescue a mouse from a trap than TELL us how much he loves animals. Or whatever.
  
  The relationship between Sabir and Edie also needs work. Getting into a car for a road trip with a knife wielding stranger lacks some plausibility on the side of Edie.
  
  As already mentioned, I think a lot of characters can be consolidated or eliminated. The lesbian issue seems superfluous.
  
  Similar films:
  There are numerous films with theme of reincarnation and/or timeless love, including: Audrey Rose, The Return, Dead Again, Defending Your Life, Somewhere in Time, The Fountain.
  Consider studying these films and scripts for plot patterns or devices you can use.
  
  There’s potential in this if you improve the execution. Look forward to seeing your next draft. read
• 
  WOW! I really liked this one and I have no idea why.
  A review of Echoes
  by Jan456 on 04/16/2011
  I mean MYSTERY/SUPER NATURAL stories are not usually what I go for. But this was most of all this was a LOVE STORY and I definitely go for those. I think that is why things like Twilight, Avatar, Vampire diaries etc etc do so very well because they are basically just simple love stories wrapped up in VAMPIRES, GHOSTS, DEVILS ETC. And they work. This one grabs you and holds... I mean MYSTERY/SUPER NATURAL stories are not usually what I go for. But this was most of all this was a LOVE STORY and I definitely go for those.
  
  I think that is why things like Twilight, Avatar, Vampire diaries etc etc do so very well because they are basically just simple love stories wrapped up in VAMPIRES, GHOSTS, DEVILS ETC. And they work.
  
  This one grabs you and holds you from the very beginning with Eddie right off the bat having
  her visions and Sabir showing up.
  
  The whole thing was all very mysterious at first and I had no idea what was going on until about half way through then it does become kind of obvious but then there was also the mystery of Parveen and is she Sabir's wife? Etc.
  
  I shouldn't talk details because I don't want to spoil this for any one. Anyway, besides the mystery of it all I think I was really liked the fact that the writer uses different races and nationalities in the two romances.
  
  It just makes it even more wonderful and realistic, well if reincarnation is realistic at all, that is. But if it is then it would definitely be like this.
  
  I was so enthralled in the story that I didn't look at structure, format or anything like that and I think that's probably a good sign that
  the format and structure is really good. I mean the fact that I didn't pay any attension to it
  at all.
  
  Also, I don't recall any movie really like this at either. I mean there have been a couple of course of reincarnation but I don't recall any like this where the reincarnation was about love between two people and not something else. Like I said before this was mostly a ROMANCE and the rest was just you know, gravy.
  
  Anyway, this was so MARVELOUS, thank you so
  much for writing it and letting me read it.
  Im sure this one will get made some day. It's just wonderful. I almost didnt read it because you called it a mystery etc etc. IM SO...
  GLAD I TOOK A CHANCE. read
• 
  An echo of Echoes
  A review of Echoes
  by srhite on 04/13/2011
  I remember reading this once before and that it gave me some flashbacks to DEAD AGAIN. I haven’t seen that movie for at least 15 years, so I have no idea why except for possibly the ending. This version seems to be much improved from the last one I read. I’d really like to see it go to being a SOM nominee and read the coverage. The only comment that might possibly be made... I remember reading this once before and that it gave me some flashbacks to DEAD AGAIN. I haven’t seen that movie for at least 15 years, so I have no idea why except for possibly the ending. This version seems to be much improved from the last one I read. I’d really like to see it go to being a SOM nominee and read the coverage. The only comment that might possibly be made is that it drags a bit in places, BUT only because of the modern pace of movies.
  
  Hopefully I’ve got at least 100 words for the review! Here be my usual notes:
  
  Page 4: I’m not too sure about a “running over the cats” versus a “saving the cat” moment?!?!
  
  Page 12: Is it necessary to have the dialogue with the BIFOCAL LIBRARIAN about the maps? It might be better to just cut to a library and archaic maps. Or have the Librarian be part of the historical department.
  
  Page 18: I’m horrible at understanding three act structure, and your screenplay actually has the story structure that many others lack.
  
  Page 25: I’m wondering if you might want to show Edie as a ballet instructor earlier?
  
  Page 29: “place any more clothes” would be better as “pack any more clothing”
  
  Page 46: “small chalkboard rest” should be “small chalkboard rests”
  
  Page 47: How does Harmony know that “They don’t mean no harm”? She didn’t overhear the conversation or know what Lloyd wrote.
  
  Page 73: Pao might be too formal when he speaks to Harmony, “Thank you for the pea soup. I have always enjoyed it.”
  
  Page 74: “night stand” is one word: nightstand
  
  Page 74: “window sill” is one word: windowsill
  
  Page 81: What happened to Pao? Didn’t she see him in bed and dead?
  
  Page 98: What are “incomplete wards”? read
• 
  Echoes: A Gothic Powerhouse
  A review of Echoes
  by Mike M on 04/09/2011
  Echoes is, without a doubt, one of the best scripts I have ever read, period. It may help that I am Southern, a Blues fan, and love the Southern gothic sub-genre as evidenced in such films as ‘The Skeleton Key’ and ‘Angel Heart’. This script is easily on par with those two wonderful films and I can only make some minor suggestions. STORY A powerful, riveting story with little... Echoes is, without a doubt, one of the best scripts I have ever read, period. It may help that I am Southern, a Blues fan, and love the Southern gothic sub-genre as evidenced in such films as ‘The Skeleton Key’ and ‘Angel Heart’. This script is easily on par with those two wonderful films and I can only make some minor suggestions.
  
  STORY
  
  A powerful, riveting story with little down time. The symbolism is wonderful throughout. The meta-story about reincarnation really spoke to me.
  
  CHARACTERS
  
  Well thought out characters. The two mains, Sabir and Edie, could use a tad of dialog work to make their voices more consistent. Is this a deal breaker? Certainly not. Sabir at times seems very proficient with the English language, and then at other times not as well versed. If you are using Final Draft, I would generate a character report of just his lines and see how you might make them more uniform.
  
  When Edie gets loud in the library, that was really the only instance where I was confused as to her motivation. I just may not have “got” that part, or it may be an ‘echo’ (haha) of an earlier draft.
  
  I’ll briefly go over some of the other characters:
  
  LLOYD: Very surprised by his arc. I expected a standard, cut-and-paste, Southern bigot villain but got a well formed side antagonist instead.
  
  JONAH: He’s a great character. I’m still unclear about his and Sabin’s connection. This could be resolved by a quick flashback, perhaps of Jonah visiting Sabin’s home in the Middle East? During a séance? I don’t know, but it’s one of the very few opaque areas.
  
  TRENCHCOAT MAN: Very creepy, a monster but one with some charm.
  
  EZEKIAL: Had the most consistent voice of the minor characters in my opinion. I wouldn’t change a single thing about him.
  
  SHU-FANG: A bit passive perhaps? Her conflicting desires between familial duty and wanting to be with Ezekial might need to be clarified.
  
  LARS: Perhaps the weakest character, but he serves his purpose. I like how he wasn’t played as a ‘Sleeping With the Enemy’ revenge obsessed psycho, but as a real guy who’s gotten jilted. I can’t put my finger on it, wish I could, but he just seems ‘there’, ya know? I didn’t really care about him one way or the other till the end. It was nice to see him and Sabin’s sister romantic arc/closure.
  
  FORMAT
  
  The pages kept moving and if there were misspellings I didn’t catch them. From a technical standpoint it seems pro.
  
  RESOLUTION
  One of the most satisfying endings I have ever read. It twists but seems natural, and that’s a hell of a trick!
  
  MISC.
  This script really spoke to me. Now I am a Blue’s loving Southerner who believes in reincarnation, loves the horror genre and studies religious/apocryphal texts, so you may want to tamper my enthusiasm with the knowledge that you probably couldn’t design a more perfect demographic than yours truly. Then again, if the script had sucked that would be all the more reason for he to feel let down and cheated.
  This script rocks the house. What more can I say?
  
  Congratulations on a great story well told. I hope you enter this in as many contests as you can afford and I look forward to it getting made one day. If that happens, please let me know!
  
  NOTES
  Page 1 Thoughts: Nice start. Good contrast of two very opposite images and an immediate, visceral “WTF” emotion.
  
  Page 10 Thoughts: I’m really digging the dialog and descriptive writing. Each character seems to have its own voice, and the gentle nods to death (cats, goldfish) reinforce the overall creepiness. The one issue I have so far is that Edie is apparently acting abnormal, but I have no baseline to compare with. Perhaps ‘normal’ Edie will be shown later, but if not this could be a slight problem. Or maybe it won’t be.
  So far, the script has a very ‘Dark Water’ (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0382628/ ) feel to it, which is a good thing. If you’re going for that kind of cinematic feel, you may want to reinforce that with descriptions of the lighting. Not tell the production company how to do their job of course, but subtly hint at how they should do it :).
  
  Also, on page 10, Sabir’s line: “You came to me and now I’ve come all this way!” is a tad confusing. English is obviously not his first language, but perhaps “You called me”, or something? The ‘came’, ‘come’ broke the immersion a bit.
  
  Jonah is a very disturbing character. I like how mirrors Ezekiel.
  
  Page 30 Thoughts: Clear break into II. It’s a fast, good read. I suppose my only real concern so far is that not enough “normal” has been established. When we start the journey Edie is already having visions and creepy things happening. Perhaps a scene with her as a little girl, just something quick, a half page, would help to set up more of a contrast and enhance the feelings of doom and dread.
  
  Now on the plus side, which far outweighs the negative, very compelling characters and an intriguing story line. What is Sabir’s end game? What does Jonah have to do with all this? Who is the mysterious trenchcoat man? What is ‘the secret’? I want to keep reading to find out.
  A minor note, Sabir’s speech seems to fluctuate between being ‘good’ with English and speaking it with native fluency. I might reexamine just his lines and see if more consistency can be tweaked into them.
  
  Page 39: Great scene re: motel room/Shu-Fang!
  
  Page 55: Ahh! They were engaged! Very nice, especially coming right off the broken plate symbol. I’m seeing how the current situation is a mirror of the present circumstances Edie finds herself in.
  
  Page 59: Hehe. I’m a huge Robert Johnson fan.
  
  Page 63: Random thoughts: Being reminded of ‘Angel Heart’ and the HBO show ‘Carnivale’ which is great. Outstanding imagery.
  
  Page 72: Nice break into three.
  
  Page 91: “…don’t get ahead of yourself.” Clever.
  Finish: Wow. What a great read. read
• 
  echoes
  A review of Echoes
  by Gary Wright on 04/06/2011
  SPOILERS - DO NOT READ THIS REVIEW IF YOU PLAN TO READ THIS SCRIPT - YOU'LL BE CHEATING YOURSELF OF A FUN READ. This one will linger on my memory for a while, and I'm finding that the more I think about it, the better I like it. The Search For Joseph Tully. The Reincarnation of Peter Proud. Dead Again. These are a few of my favorite things. I may be revealing my ignorance... SPOILERS - DO NOT READ THIS REVIEW IF YOU PLAN TO READ THIS SCRIPT - YOU'LL BE CHEATING YOURSELF OF A FUN READ.
  
  This one will linger on my memory for a while, and I'm finding that the more I think about it, the better I like it.
  
  The Search For Joseph Tully. The Reincarnation of Peter Proud. Dead Again. These are a few of my favorite things. I may be revealing my ignorance here, but I think you've come up with a fresh twist on the reincarnation thriller - coming back for love, instead of revenge. And you've mixed in a Faustian compact, and blended it all perfectly - it's like you've baked the ultimate cookie. Oatmeal AND chocolate chip. Delicious.
  
  Some things I really dig about this particular script:
  
  How you gave the characters in both lifetimes first names which start with the same letter - and how I DID NOT notice that until several hours after I finished the read.
  
  How the love cuts across racial and cultural and geographical divides from lifetime to lifetime to lifetime.
  
  How the racism of the American South is present like humidity in the air, but it doesn't define any of the characters, and isn't the thing uppermost on anyone's mind.
  
  How clean and spare the writing is. Having read a couple of other PSV opuses (opi?), I expected this, but I think this is the tautest work of yours I've read so far.
  
  Okay, enough fulsome praise. Here are a few of my reading notes - and you'll find a few more in the annotated pdf I emailed you this morning.
  
  p.11 Okay, just read up to here again, after finishing the initial read, and it was fun to appreciate how many seeds you've quietly planted in these first few pages. You really make every line earn its place in the script.
  
  p.25
  EDIE
  ...But if you really were my
  soulmate you’d have already
  known that.
  A bit OTN, and it takes away from her breakup speech rehearsal on p.28, which I really like.
  
  
  p.28 LOL
  EDIE
  I’m a lesbian.
  
  p.39 I question the choice of the cricket vomit. Seems like a B movie moment in a story that's much better than that. I also question the choice of subtitling the Chinese, here. Nothing important in the words that can't be conveyed by the way the actor delivers it. I think this visitation would be eerier, no less understandable, without the subtitles.
  
  p.53 Love this:
  Got roots here deeper than any tree in the ground today.
  
  p.58 One of your rare wrylies, perfectly employed.
  NO HAIR
  (unsatisfied)
  Huh.
  
  p.63 Nothing specific to this page, but I just want to take a moment to appreciate your action lines, in general. Lean, efficient, and vertical, with an occasional pitch-perfect flight of lyricism. Lovely work.
  
  p.66
  SICKLY GIRL
  (to Edie)
  THE MAN IN THE BLACK COAT wants what you owe him.
  This wording seems a bit too... I dunno... like your holding the audience's hand. I would consider being more cryptic, i.e. "He wants what you owe him." Edie (and the audience) would probably know who she's talking about without the description. And even if Edie is left to wonder Who does she mean? Sabir? Black Overcoat Man? Lloyd? Bo? Lars? ...that's probably better.
  
  p.70 Nice scene. I would sandwich that last line between the lightning flash and the rumble of thunder. Maybe carry the rumble over into the next scene... Unless you think that's a dumb idea. In which case, so do I. Really dumb. I was just, uh, testing you. Yeah.
  
  p.74
  TRENCH COAT MAN
  [Come on,] Sabir. What [the hell]
  are you waiting for?
  These expressions strike me as a bit too mundane. Does that make sense? Even if "...the hell..." is meant to be a nudge and a wink to the audience - it's a bit hamfisted. Another moment (like the cricket barf) that, IMO, belongs in a lower artistic tier than the rest of the script.
  
  p.76 "Struggles with an internal turmoil." Telling instead of showing (that's not like you - what's gotten into you lately? - omg, who are you, and what do you want from me?). I can't decide if this action line is simple (Good) or lazy (Not So Good). Might be a golden opportunity to deploy one of your patented Peter Scott Vicaire descriptions (c.f. "like suicidal matadors", etc.).
  
  same page…
  JONAH
  You gotta help me get to
  heaven where all my sins
  will be forgiven!
  This goes down like a bitter tablespoon of exposition. I wonder if you absolutely need to have him say it here?
  
  p.78 "…a bizarre looking hermit of a black woman." Yu can do better than this. If you set the bar high, you gotta clear it every time ;)
  
  p.86
  nice scene. i really love the texture of the supernatural element in this script. the visuals, the dialogue, all of it (except the little hell jokes, but more on that later).
  
  p.90
  LLOYD
  The hell you come from?
  TRENCH COAT MAN
  Yes.
  For some reason I had to read Lloyd's line 3 times before I understood that he was asking "Where the hell did you come from?" I like dialogue written this way - it feels perfectly natural to me - and yet this rendering of the line in this particular moment really knocked me out of the saddle for a moment. I don't know if the problem was me or the writing, but thought I'd mention it. And as for TCM's reply, I understand the impulse to include these little winks to the audience, but it seems beneath you, IMO, FWIW. Others may think it's clever, but I think it's just hackneyed and painfully obvious. Let the characters talk. You stay out of it.
  
  p.92 "…her lovely little egg roll."
  I don't like this. I have no idea why. Something about it feels wrong for 1939 Mississippi. I don't KNOW that it's wrong, but I FEEL it is. I understand that TCM might exist outside of the place and time, but this is the ONLY spot in the story where he says something that jars me in this way. Which may or may not concern you.
  
  p.98 OTN - this actually sounds like spoof dialogue to me.
  TRENCH COAT MAN
  Your pathetic, incomplete
  wards have no effect on me!
  
  p.99 "How utterly absurd!" OTN. Maybe an action that belies "beautiful... noble" would be more effective?
  
  p.101
  TRENCH COAT MAN
  Yes, we’ve already established
  that. Oh, that’s right, you weren’t
  here last time. It was the other
  scorned lover.
  You could do this kind of thing once, maybe, but to keep coming back to it is kinda like having Dracula do the tired old "I never drink... wine" joke over and over. It just doesn't feel like the most plausible (or interesting) choice for the character. There may be things about TCM's existence that he enjoys, but I would think his pleasures would be darker than this childish wordplay about being from hell. Heydrich didn't go around smirking, "I'm a Nazi, heh heh heh." He got on with the business of killing up some Jews.
  
  p.108 This final VO, and the juxtaposition with the baby crying at the final moment is one of my favorite things in the script. Makes me want to smile and cry, all at the same time. Really beautiful. Actually, the use of the VO in general is pretty wonderful.
  
  That's it for me, counselor. I'll get to that free willie on Gods of Rock sometime in the next few days. read
• 
  Echoes
  A review of Echoes
  by ed d on 03/22/2011
  Overall, I found ECHOES engaging and involving. I found the strength of the script was in the uniqueness of the story; Asian characters in Mississippi and the characters transcending bodies, time and even genders. The take on on true love finding a way despite even death was also innovative. The story, a little more than mid way through found a good pace for its revelations... Overall, I found ECHOES engaging and involving. I found the strength of the script was in the uniqueness of the story; Asian characters in Mississippi and the characters transcending bodies, time and even genders. The take on on true love finding a way despite even death was also innovative. The story, a little more than mid way through found a good pace for its revelations. However, I did have a few narrower selective criticisms: While I found the story interesting many of the characters were slightly cliche, in particular the Southern characters. Secondly, there seems to be a little too much attempted shock value in the very beginning; within about four pages there are hung bodies, nosebleeds and cats killed in different scenes, too much too soon to give real effect. And on the last note, there were three different instances where animals were killed, again too much tends to loose effectiveness(the deer scene was superfluous). read
• 
  Echoes
  A review of Echoes
  by Damian P Ramsajan on 03/20/2011
  Independent and authentic seeming characters with intelligent dialogue. Good introduction of Eddie. You set up the dark visual style of this movie early on, good use of the visions, they feel natural and keeps us going forward. Not a big fan of Eddie talking to the cats or this whole “kill the cats scene”. I expected Christina to react to the “expert on drunken sailors”... Independent and authentic seeming characters with intelligent dialogue.
  
  Good introduction of Eddie.
  
  You set up the dark visual style of this movie early on, good use of the visions, they feel natural and keeps us going forward.
  
  Not a big fan of Eddie talking to the cats or this whole “kill the cats scene”.
  
  I expected Christina to react to the “expert on drunken sailors” comment, isn’t this supposed to be out of character for Eddie?
  
  The scene with Ezekiel chasing Shu-Fang is brilliant redirection.
  
  I like the possible emerging theme of faith vs cynicism.
  
  Love the string butterfly followed by the knock on the door.
  
  By the end of Act one, Eddie’s character is not properly exposed to us, it’s obvious she’s not herself, but because we weren’t introduced to her before the dreams, there’s nothing to compare too, it’s easy to assume she’s a Natalie Portman ballerina type on her way over to the dark side.
  
  Blues makes women come out?
  I thought the vision flashbacks worked so well because of the timing and placement of them, the flashback of Sabir’s university lecture doesn’t work that well for me though, it might not be a bad idea to show this scene in real time earlier in act one.
  
  The introduction of Sabir’s voiceovers in the middle of the script seems a bit unnatural and out of place, it should be consistently spaced from beginning to end.
  
  Close to the midpoint I want some more information on trench coat man and Jonah, it seems like you’re just showing their mystery and asking us to have faith that your explanations will suffice, but we need to be pulled along by the dropping of some nuggets of info along the way.
  
  If Lloyd isn’t yet 90, 72 years later, then he was under 18 in 1939? Just checking, I’m anal about authenticity.
  
  For me the momentum deflates a bit after this going into act two.
  
  The introduction of Bo raises the momentum a bit.
  I think the flashback after Sabir is knocked unconscious may work better if you’d established similar pattern of visions every time he was unconscious like you’ve done with Eddie.
  
  The storm is convenient and has been done to death.
  
  The scene with Jonah losing his head is a bit disappointing, and doesn’t feel real, it doesn’t help that we don’t yet know the rules of your world and by page 78 enough of that should have been explained to support Jonah’s scene.
  
  The egg roll statement comes off as offensive even coming from trench coat man.
  
  While the visions worked in the first half of the script, coming down to the end of act 3 they just seem awkward and hinder the flow of the story.
  On page 100, just as the trench coat mystery is heating up, Lars arrival cuts the momentum once more, how could he be young Lloyd if Lloyd’s still alive? The presence of another scorned lover seems convenient.
  
  Sabir’s voice over after Lloyd awakens weeping from the carnage seems to cut the momentum.
  
  The killing of the two animals at a time never quite paid off.
  
  These sentiments are just my individual reactions to your story, hoped they helped and good luck. read
• 
  Echoes - most complete amateur script i've read
  A review of Echoes
  by A.Tarkovsky on 02/08/2011
  I just finished reading you script, and i have to say it is probably the most complete amateur script i have read. I love the theme, dialogues, pace, it's an easy and quick read. I can't think of any obvious flaws of the script it's done very nicely, carefully. Maybe one thing i would change... Edie's relationship with Lars should be more up-down experience. From the moment... I just finished reading you script, and i have to say it is probably the most complete amateur script i have read. I love the theme, dialogues, pace, it's an easy and quick read. I can't think of any obvious flaws of the script it's done very nicely, carefully. Maybe one thing i would change... Edie's relationship with Lars should be more up-down experience. From the moment Lars was introduced story was revealing that their break-up is inevitable. I would like to see that come more slowly, with Edie being unsure, having something that bonds her to Lars, as obviously there should be with them being on the route to marriage. I think it would be more effective if it wasn't obvious from the beginning. But i like it this way also, can't complain really. I think that introducing her pregnant with Lars might get the story much more harder for audience, without anyone knowing besides Edie (and audience) about that. It tends to be a strong audience stimulant. Also i'd like more character development on Edie and Sabir, few pages more won't make your script too long, and you could just put them in some situations making audience see them a bit more as normal people prior to introducing the part of their character under pressure.
  I think that with some minor additions, this is going to be a hell of a script.
  
  I must say that i liket the poems on the end (parts of poems or are they a whole?) and the blues parts as i'm fond of the genre/lifestyle.
  I might say you couldn't have got more fond critics than me on this script. ;) But also have to state i was really watching for bad parts, and couldn't find any.
  
  A well and a pretty complete script.
  I should also say i found two spelling mistakes in the script, but i was very into reading it i forgot to note them. Sorry about that... But it shows that i also couldn't stop reading it. Normally i take notes while reading, taking a few second break while i write my notes, but this one didn't give me a second off it. Good job.
  
  Good luck
  A.Tarkovsky read
• 
  Deja Vu All Over Again
  A review of Echoes
  by David Muhlfelder on 01/05/2011
  It's been awhile since I read an earlier draft of this script, and I can't really pinpoint where you made changes due to failing memory. But it speaks well of your writing and storytelling ability that it all flows together seamlessly. This isn't going to be all that helpful a review, because I could only come up with a few nitpicks for you to consider. Normally, this is not... It's been awhile since I read an earlier draft of this script, and I can't really pinpoint where you made changes due to failing memory. But it speaks well of your writing and storytelling ability that it all flows together seamlessly. This isn't going to be all that helpful a review, because I could only come up with a few nitpicks for you to consider.
  
  Normally, this is not my genre of choice, but I was really drawn in by the way you "peeled the onion" to reveal what was really happening. You teased us with strong visuals and little hints in a way that kept me turning the page, never revealing too much too soon. It was like a complex jigsaw puzzle that left me feeling satisfied when it was complete.
  
  Now for the nitpicks. I have a feeling I mentioned this last time, so forgive me if I repeat myself. I think Sabir and Edie's road trip begins a little late in the story. I feel it should come before p. 30. On a related note, I think we need to see an instant attraction between Sabir and Edie the first time they see each other, even if it's just a brief flash. I wanted to see the difference between their relationship and Edie's relationship with Lars. Right now we're left to take Edie at her word that she doesn't love Lars, but the fact that the strain in their relationship is so understated makes Edie come off as a bit unsympathetic. Perhaps there is something between them that is unrelated to Sabir that you could exploit to show that their relationship is already off track.
  
  I think the ending could still use a little clean up. I started to get lost in all the mysticism and talk about making your own door to the afterlife. It all makes sense in retrospect, but I can't help but feel it could be presented more simply. Also, Lloyd's willingness to help Edie and Sabir felt like a bit of an abrupt turn. Consider adding a beat where Lloyd has some sort of epiphany.
  
  That's really all I can offer, and ignoring it won't lessen what you've got. It's always a pleasure to read your work. Nice job. read
• 
  ECHO FROM THE PAST - AGAIN
  A review of Echoes
  by CrabbyLady on 12/19/2010
  I know I have been assigned this before, and I'm not sure if this is the version I've already read, or if it's a revision (nothing in the title states so). It's been awhile, I believe, so I'll either touch on new things, solidify my opinion from the last time, or have a completely different take this time around. Here we go. Anyhoo, I do like good ghost stories, and this has... I know I have been assigned this before, and I'm not sure if this is the version I've already read, or if it's a revision (nothing in the title states so). It's been awhile, I believe, so I'll either touch on new things, solidify my opinion from the last time, or have a completely different take this time around. Here we go.
  
  Anyhoo, I do like good ghost stories, and this has a mixture of just about everything. I remembered Edie and her visions of a past life (Shu-Fang and Ezekial) and she meets the mysterious Sabir to try to figure it all out.
  
  The fact that she has the fiance that she isn't sure she loves (or is it just cold feet?) is an 'old' touch for this type of screenplay and rather cliched, and it wouldn't hurt to remove Lars altogether. Yes, he's not a bad guy at all, and works to free her from her demons and establish his love, but I really don't think anything would be missed by removing him. Have Edie strike out on her own, without anything she might 'lose'.
  
  I also did feel that Edie and Sabir fall for each a little too quickly, as well as having Edie entrusting herself and her predicament to him, even though she is getting desperate for an answer as to why her visions are happening. I needed a little bit more in that perhaps Sabir actually describes a vision (that she's already had) to her to prove that his interest in her is genuine. These visions are not something that would come up in 'polite' conversation, so she would need some motivation to open up to him. Also, a little background on Sabir realizing that he is a reincarnation wouldn't hurt.
  
  I did like the 'grown up' version of Pao and Lloyd, and how they can help Edie analyze her visions. Harmony was also a nice character and she seemed the most level headed of the bunch; calm and collected, but 'knowing' at the same time.
  
  I remember liking Trenchcoat Man and the mystery that follows him around whenever he shows up, and that hasn't stopped. I'm not sure if he's actually the Devil himself, or just some manifestation of evil but he's great to have around, and he pops in out at the right times.
  
  The final story of Ezekial and Shu-Fang is very touching and convincing and I have no doubt that 'true' stories of this kind actually did happen in 'real' life.
  
  After this reading, I would have preferred this a little more streamlined, in that you can cut down on the characters a bit ("White Hair", "No Hair" and "Guitar Player"). Edie, Sabir, Ezekial, Shu-Fang, Pao, Harmony, Trenchcoat Man and Lloyd seem to be enough. I understand that Edie would have 'others' in her life (i.e., Christina and Faye) but focus more on what's happening to her and her determination to figure it out. That would be more than enough, especially with the flashbacks to Ezekial and Shu-Fang, which are nicely done.
  
  Your ending is rather touching, with the Sabir and Edie ending up the same as Ezekial and Shu-Fang, and the newborns in the world. It's left 'open' just enough.
  
  Usually if I get a 'repeat' in my assignments, I usually remove it as I've already read it and don't feel the need to review again, but this was one I remembered as being interesting and different and I wasn't disappointed or bored in reading it again.
  
  One note: Page 6 - capitalize 'God'.
  
  Keep going with this and best of luck to you! HAPPY HOLIDAYS! read