Reviews of Monster Mash 23

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  Review: Monster Mash
  A review of Monster Mash
  by EliDonaldson on 11/10/2012
  Concept: This was a good concept for this kind of movie. In a very general way, it kind of reminded me of the concept of "Ghostbusters" a very famous comedy movie from 30 years ago. Characters: You have some good distinct character types among your top main six characters. But a few too many generics among zombies and woofmen. Dialogue: You have good snappy, short... Concept:
  
  This was a good concept for this kind of movie. In a very general way, it kind of reminded me of the concept of "Ghostbusters" a very famous comedy movie from 30 years ago.
  
  
  Characters:
  
  You have some good distinct character types among your top main six characters. But a few too many generics among zombies and woofmen.
  
  
  Dialogue:
  
  You have good snappy, short dialogue. Most times, it's easy to tell who's talking.
  
  A few times, you slipped up and gave the characters lines that sounded out of character for what you had established. Like when Chuck is criticizing Lily for being a slut. Or a few times when Will gets kind of rude with other characters, sounding more like Chuck.
  
  Once in a while, you also slip up, and let your own voice leak out through the characters. Like when Ted and Lily both express the same idea about finding an Egyptian Priest on Craigslist.
  
  
  Story:
  
  Your story started strong, and had me interested until about half way through. Then, it kind of devolved into too much of the same-old, same-old fighting zombies, and woofmen.
  
  I really think you could improve the later half of this story by adding another plot twist or two.
  
  I really think maybe you should leave Dom in the high school library with some kind of weapon that theoretically protects him, and let him continue doing internet searches on Manzazuu. It think it would pick the story up if they made a late story discovery about how to destroy Manzazuu, or another magic object they needed to aquire to destroy Manzazuu.
  
  
  Structure:
  
  Inciting incident: page 12: Ted recites the ancient Egyptian spell and becomes possessed by Manzazuu.
  
  Break into two: page 23: Bulky Woofman snatches Sandra.
  
  Midpoint: When they go to the school, and find weapons.
  
  Break into three: When they arrive at the stage where Ted/Manzazuu is holding Sandra captive.
  
  Resolution: When Ammut explodes.
  
  
  Overall:
  
  I definitely think you have a good start to a screenplay here.
  
  You just need to figure out maybe a couple other plot twists to make the later part of the story more interesting, and not just have the second half of the story be about fighting.
  
  You have a good sense of humor, and a lot of genuinely funny jokes in this screenplay.
  
  
  Reading Notes:
  
  Page 3:
  Get "average" out of your character description. Remember, you're trying to talk somebody into spending maybe four or five hours reading your script. I think a heroic, smart, or even a clumsy comic character is a better description than "average".
  
  Page 5:
  This is from my second read through. Knowing what I know from the rest of the story, it doesn't seem like here you have yet decided that MRS. FONTANA is the principal, or school administrator as you seem to indicate later in the story when Dom takes her keys to allow them to get into the school.
  
  Page 8:
  I think you mean for the parenthetical here to read (Will and Dom):
  ________CHUCK
  (to Will and Chuck)
  I’ve jacked it over her so much.
  
  Page 9: Be more creative than this:
  
  ________TED (CONT’D)
  I want a five page essay on blah,
  blah-- Screw it.
  
  --maybe have TED starting to laundry list essays he'd take before saying "Screw it!" Something like:
  
  _______TED (CONT’D)
  I want a five page essay on the pharoahs,
  the pyramids, mummification-- Screw it!
  
  Page 9:
  This scene just raises a question for me. I'm from the United States, but I can tell by your title page that you're from Australia. I'm not sure if you are intending your script strictly for the Australian market, or for the world wide market. And school regulations could be different in Australia. But in the United States, it would be next to impossible to get your own parent as a school teacher in a public school. It might be possible in a private school, maybe, or a very tiny, rural, public school district. But overall, I think people will find Sandra having her own dad for a teacher to be odd.
  
  
  Page 16:
  You might get bigger laughs on this page with BULKY WORKER tied to the table, naked, and ass up if TED/MANZAZUU was already dressing in drag like a woman, like you have him dressing later in the story. Your Bulky Worker character could assume he was tricked into being a gay-rape victim which might be funny if you figure out some funny lines for them to say.
  
  Page 20, 21:
  I think you need to set-up these instances of people grabbing the CHUBBY MUMMY and calling him SAMMY by actually having a character named Sammy in an earlier scene who said he was going to dress as a mummy for the party.
  
  
  Page 27:
  In this paragraph you misspelled one of your thrones:
  
  They set the throne down. Possessed Ted pouts, points one
  foot from the thrown. The woofmen move the throne one foot.
  Possessed Ted CLAPS and jumps on the spot.
  
  Page 43 & 44: It seems like you got a little carried away with the montage. You let it go 14 mini-montage scenes which was a little too long. I would probably figure out what your 9 or 10 favorites are, and cut the others.
  
  Page 45: Since Will was in the sports equipment closet when they were searching for weapons, it surprises my that Chuck and Chubby Mummy show up with the baseball equipment instead of Will. Maybe they should have a table full of everything that the various searchers found, and these are just the weapons Chuck picks?
  
  Page 61:
  Chuck criticizing Lilly's slutiness seems a little out of character for him.
  
  Page 99:
  Chuck's van? Didn't Chuck have a car earlier?
  
  
  Final thoughts:
  
  Even though this story didn't work for me as a whole, I still found it to have many good parts. You are a good comedian.
  
  Good luck with your future writing efforts! read
• 
  Examplar script
  A review of Monster Mash
  by brennansprague on 11/07/2012
  This was a very enjoyable read. The only complaints I really have is it is very descriptive to read and the dialogue is clunky at times. Besides that, this was great. The story is set up smartly and a playful tone is set off early and only gets more absurd from there. The way you connected the characters and storylines together was perfect- tight, coherent and interesting... This was a very enjoyable read. The only complaints I really have is it is very descriptive to read and the dialogue is clunky at times.
  Besides that, this was great. The story is set up smartly and a playful tone is set off early and only gets more absurd from there. The way you connected the characters and storylines together was perfect- tight, coherent and interesting. There were some pretty funny moments I won't lie and good little twists. Some scenes were so outrageous that it felt like this would be on Adult Swim in a third dimension. The story is wound up tightly with minor lives lost and a clear ending. Overall, this script is a successful hybrid of teen angst, horror, action and comedy. The story just feels realized, and that's the sign of a good script. Just check the dialogue and show us more white space!! The mix of different types of horror also was welcomed, and the title Monster Mash really makes sense haha. Just tone down the character's dialogue a little unless you are aiming for funny camp. Great read! read
• 
  Enjoyable
  A review of Monster Mash
  by dmw256 on 11/06/2012
  This very enjoyable. I could definitely see this as a reoccurring viewing during the halloween season. I don't find many comedies on TS to be that funny, but your jokes and visual gags work -- even if they are disgusting -- BJ from grandma zombie, GROSS You don't waste anytime getting into the story and the action just plows through to the end -- which I feel is both a positive... This very enjoyable. I could definitely see this as a reoccurring viewing during the halloween season. I don't find many comedies on TS to be that funny, but your jokes and visual gags work -- even if they are disgusting -- BJ from grandma zombie, GROSS
  
  You don't waste anytime getting into the story and the action just plows through to the end -- which I feel is both a positive and a negative. Positive, it's swiftly paced. Quick read -- and I'm sure a quick viewing. Negative -- besides their initial introductions, you don't get to know much more about the characters. However, that isn't to say that you haven't created a good group of protagonists.
  
  I like this story and don't have a lot to critique. Good luck with it. Excellent all around.
  
  What I feel lacks in a lot of the scripts similar to this on TS, is trying to create groups of friends read
• 
  Review of Monster Mash
  A review of Monster Mash
  by jackjohns on 08/23/2012
  This was a well written script with a couple of great sequences but with a few problems as well - an entertaining screenplay that could do with another draft or two to tighten it up. Notes – (I made these as I was going through) Pg 2 – Very funny with the blood spurting over everyone. Not often I laugh out loud when reading scripts. Great job. This opening scene is perfect... This was a well written script with a couple of great sequences but with a few problems as well - an entertaining screenplay that could do with another draft or two to tighten it up.
  
  
  Notes – (I made these as I was going through)
  
  Pg 2 – Very funny with the blood spurting over everyone. Not often I laugh out loud when reading scripts. Great job. This opening scene is perfect. Don’t change a thing.
  Pg 3 – your introduction of Will ‘average…backpack over his shoulder’ doesn’t inspire much confidence. Surely there’s something unique or interesting about this character and if not why should we be interested in spending the next hour and a half with him?
  Pg 7 – So far your characters all seem very stereotypical. The jocks picking on the joe-average type main character. The crude, sex obsessed Stifler type character, the nerd and the MILF.
  Pg 9 – this exposition with Ted and Sandra is a bit clumsy. Either be subtler in imparting this information to the audience or consider saving this revelation until later. Maybe we see Ted’s dejection, lack of verve and hard drinking in this scene but don’t find out why just yet. This would create intrigue for the character. Maybe…
  
  SANDRA: At least try to care in class. They don’t deserve your apathy.
  
  No answer as Ted focuses on the photo.
  
  SANDRA: And neither do I.
  
  She shuffles off dejected. Ted SIGHS studies the photo and drinks.
  
  Pg 11 – I like that Mark is so stupid he manages to make a fool himself while picking on Will. Reminds me of Biff from Back to the Future – ‘make like a tree and get out of here.’ There’s nothing as funny as that from Mark so far but still pretty entertaining.
  
  Pg 21 – quite funny with the mummy getting stoned and falling through the table but too reminiscent of a similar joke from Scary Movie.
  
  Pg 26 – It’s immediately obvious that the mummy’s doing charades so you can cut a lot of this dialogue from Lily’s – ‘What the hell’s he doing?’
  
  Pg 33 – I like that Chubby Mummy joins the team.
  
  Pg 37 – Comics books.
  
  Pg 37 – I think Dom needs some more motivation as to why he suddenly lashes out at his were-mother. Maybe she calls him Pooky one more time and he snaps. Her being a werewolf should be an excuse to unleash all his pent up anger at his mother and her annoying ways.
  
  Pg 51/52 – Chuck’s line ‘yeah, but mostly because you’ve got a vagina’ s funny but maybe make more of the joke perhaps by having Chuck taunting Lily about girls being overly cautious and then have Lily taking the wheel anyway and driving so fast and expertly that Chuck is at first terrified then wordless in admiration.
  
  Pg 54 – The Crazy Priest is a bit too derivative of Braindead’s ‘I kick ass for the Lord’ Priest. I assume you’ve seen that film. If not, check it out. It’s the daddy of Horror Comedies (I think ‘Dead Alive’ is it’s US title).
  
  I like how you create variety in your monsters by having each monster retain some of the characteristics of the original person.
  
  Pg 75 – Dom’s actions here seem out of kilter with his character – maybe he has to do this to save/impress Lily.
  
  Pg 86 – the gang bashing zombies to music is too similar to the scene in Shaun of the Dead scene with Queen’s ‘Don’t Stop Me Now.’
  
  Pg 87 – I was expecting Dom to get with Lily at the end and for them to live happily ever after. That would have been the dull and predictable way to go. It’s good that you had the courage to kill him off.
  
  Pg 92 – I like the twist of Will proclaiming his love only for Sandra to LJBF him.
  
  Pg 99 – I think I would have preferred Will and Sandra to stay friends. Will asking Sandra out here seems a little tacked on.
  
  Pg 100 – I love this. Very weird and dark. Brilliant.
  
  Pg 101 – Also like the ending with Ted and his eyes glowing red.
  
  
  Characters
  
  There’s the glimmer of interesting characters in Chuck and Lily. I like Chuck’s sexualisation of everything and the fact that he thinks that he’s God’s gift to women even though he’s obviously not and I like that Lily is feisty and doesn’t put up with Chuck’s shit but both characters are pretty one note and as such a good joke gets stale very quickly. You need to make both these characters more complex. The same goes for Dom. Whereas those three characters are one-note I’d go as far as to say your protagonist, Will, is no-note. There’s nothing really to him at all. I suggest that fleshing out your characters should be the main point of focus in your next draft. There are some funny moments with Chuck though, and I like that he finds an unlikely co-conspirator in Chubby. I really liked the character of Chubby.
  
  Structure
  
  Structurally you’ve got a clear three acts and they’re all about the right length which is good. There wasn’t any place where I instinctively felt the pace slow down and got bored. Also good. The problem I had was that Act 2 felt more like a series of set pieces rather than a story that builds. It felt more like a videogame where the characters just run into one group of monsters after another. It’s fine to have the odd set piece and I’m not saying that every minute of every scene has to forward the plot but you could pretty much have cut almost all of Act 2 without losing anything essential to plot. When this is the case, there’s a problem. Introducing some character development which proves necessary to finding/defeating Ted could help. Throwing in some twists and turns could help to make the story a little less predictable. Perhaps they find Ted at the mid-point of the Screenplay and the story spirals off in a different direction from there. At the moment, although I liked many aspects of Act 2, I also felt it was treading water a bit as we waited for the inevitable showdown with Ted.
  
  After reading the opening sequence I had high expectations for this Screenplay. Comedy is one of, if not the hardest genres to pull off in feature length Screenplay format and as I said in my notes I laughed out loud at the part where the blood spurts over Menes again and again. However, although not without it’s merits, unfortunately the rest of the Screenplay didn’t quite live up to that opening sequence. I think the reason the opening works so well is that it’s played completely straight whereas the rest of the script has more of a ‘goofy grin’ on its face. The opening suggests a much drier humour and the style of comedy seemed to change after we meet Will and Chuck. It may just be a personal preference but I find it funnier when the characters themselves aren’t in on the joke.
  
  My other favourite scene was the penultimate one with Chuck using Zombie Dom to mow people’s lawns. I didn’t laugh at this scene in the same way I did the Menes one but I liked it for a different reason - purely because it was so dark and weird. My only slight reservation is that it’s a little similar to Shaun of the Dead ending but I think it just manages to be inventive enough to get away with it.
  
  All in all, an easy (thanks to good formatting and writing style) and entertaining read from someone who’s clearly done this before. The script was bookended by a couple of great sequences but on the whole I felt it wasn’t funny or scary enough for a horror comedy. Definitely has potential though. Good luck with any further drafts.
  
  Jack read
• 
  My Review
  A review of Monster Mash
  by trav2will on 08/11/2012
  Well,Monster mash is a very interesting read.The story moves forward quick.The script has good Structure,Character development,Witty Dialogue,and lots of action,combined with gross out,gory,necrophylia sex.And over the top blood letting(especially the opening scene)but overall the script is fair. I commend your scripts structure,but a lot of the activities in the script just... Well,Monster mash is a very interesting read.The story moves forward quick.The script has good Structure,Character development,Witty Dialogue,and lots of action,combined with gross out,gory,necrophylia sex.And over the top blood letting(especially the opening scene)but overall the script is fair.
  
  I commend your scripts structure,but a lot of the activities in the script just turned me off,and was just downright creepy. The Character CHUCK: I get that he is a horny Teenager,but having Sexual relations,with Dom's Zombie Grandmother?(Was she having sex with Chuck,or was she involved in a sexual act with Dom's Mom?) I may have misread,or misunderstood the scene,but i found it revolting.It's necrophillia at it's worst.Combined with Animal/sex.
  
  The Ghetto Woofman was pretty hilarious with the Snoop Dogg Catchphrases.The Woofmen are pretty lively,although i don't like the way,they were turned into wolfmen.Dogs being placed up their backsides? Isn't there a better way?
  
  Anyway, it's not a bad script.It's executed very well in it's gross out humor,and gore...it's formatted properly,and not that many grammatical errors.You are a talented writer,but i just didn't get into some of the "weird" elements of the story. read
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  An Amazing Ride
  A review of Monster Mash
  by rdlamelin on 08/06/2012
  I just finished reading this piece, and the only word that can come to my mind is amazing. It effortlessly blends in the styles of some of my favorite movies (ie: Evil Dead, Lawnmower Man, Stan Helsing, Zombieworld to name a few) The flow of it runs smoothly, and once I started reading I couldn't put it down. I can't say enough of how much I love this piece of work. The comedy... I just finished reading this piece, and the only word that can come to my mind is amazing. It effortlessly blends in the styles of some of my favorite movies (ie: Evil Dead, Lawnmower Man, Stan Helsing, Zombieworld to name a few) The flow of it runs smoothly, and once I started reading I couldn't put it down. I can't say enough of how much I love this piece of work. The comedy is raunchy, and had me in stitches, and the action; while over the top, was good. It has a very campy vibe to it that I love. I would love to see this made into a movie.
  
  There were a few spelling errors, and misplaced names, but besides that it was very solid. The business could use a lot more stories like this, instead of all the remakes they are doing. read
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  Monsterously Good Script That's Oozing With Horror, Witty Dialogue and Humor
  A review of Monster Mash
  by leewriter999 on 07/26/2012
  It's only the 4th T.S. script I've read but it's far and away the best one. The action scenes, plot, dialogue and characters were excellent. There were scattered typos/grammatical issues but really pretty minor transgressions. Good horror movies are two parts gore/fright/suspense, one part humor. Zombie movies especially are at their best when there’s liberal doses of humor... It's only the 4th T.S. script I've read but it's far and away the best one. The action scenes, plot, dialogue and characters were excellent. There were scattered typos/grammatical issues but really pretty minor transgressions.
  
  Good horror movies are two parts gore/fright/suspense, one part humor. Zombie movies especially are at their best when there’s liberal doses of humor to counterbalance the violence and gore. The writer certainly does that with “Monster Mash”.
  There are several threads of humor that work: Chuck’s fixation with sex in general and the big-breasted Mrs. Fontana (Dom’s mom) in particular; Stoner Wolfman’s drugged but frequently amusing altered states, and Will’s well-meaning but clumsy nature; and Lily’s macho sexiness, come immediately to mind.
  
  I found the dialogue believable, sharp, witty and concise. I don’t recall any mind-numbingly long monologues by any character. The give and take, keep-it-moving-but-interesting style was consistent throughout the script.
  Will, although intelligent and witty, is maybe a little too mellow to support his protagonist role. He does defeat Woofman Mark in the hardware store but needed help from Chuck and Lily to do it. He had a plethora of great lines, including including the one about comic books being fun yet educational.
  
  The climatic scene was surprising and suspenseful and a bit humorous with Stoner Woofman saving the day and Chuck giving Will shit because of his weak line when battling the summoned creature from hell.
  
  The minor down sides are capitalization errors and a few other typos. But overall, this script kicked serious cinematic ass. Way to go, Daniel! read
• 
  review
  A review of Monster Mash
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 07/25/2012
  Thanks for the fun read. One of the things that really impressed me about this script is the amount of suspense you have threaded throughout it, nor did I ever feel like there was a lull in action. It was funny, exciting and just an overall fun read. Format: perfect. Story: fluid and entertaining. Structure: perfect. Dialogue: witty and precise.Setup/payoffs: good. Characters:... Thanks for the fun read. One of the things that really impressed me about this script is the amount of suspense you have threaded throughout it, nor did I ever feel like there was a lull in action. It was funny, exciting and just an overall fun read. Format: perfect. Story: fluid and entertaining. Structure: perfect. Dialogue: witty and precise.Setup/payoffs: good. Characters: dimensional and well-developed. The only issue I came across would be with the backstory element between Sandra and Will. She comes across as a cool, popular kid, while Will’s something of a loser-type. I know he helped her through her mother’s passing but I feel like you kinda glaze over the details and emotional depth that would help us appreciate their relationship even more. Anyway, I really enjoyed how you structured your sequences. You set the scene, move along to the next scene and then revert back to finish the sequence off. It was simply perfect. The only thing that puzzled me was how long it took for them to arrive at the museum. I like the hardware scene, and I know it’s pertinent to the plot, but by this point in the sp I was wondering why they went from the fruit stand into the hardware store instead of going straight to the museum. I must have missed it. The comedy was spot on. Character’s interactions with one another were well-written. The only other issue I had was on page 100 you refer to Dom’s mom as Mrs. Woof-Fontana, but a page further you tag her action line and dialogue as Mrs. Fontana. Did she change back to normal? I am a sucker for sophomoric humor so I can say it could use a little more, but that’s just me. Well done! I like the arcs. I liked that even though Will wasn’t gonna get the girl he still gave it his all. Thanks again for the read. Good luck and best wishes. read
• 
  IT’S NOT JUST FUNNY...
  A review of Monster Mash
  by WILD COYOTE on 07/17/2012
  It’s f@c@ing hilarious!!! First off, good job on rewriting this screenplay... again. I remember the first time I read this script, about two years ago, and I’ve also read seemingly every other draft since then. You’ve had your ups and downs while writing/rewriting this piece, and you’ve also had some unfavorable reviews by people who are not your target audience, hell you’ve... It’s f@c@ing hilarious!!! First off, good job on rewriting this screenplay... again. I remember the first time I read this script, about two years ago, and I’ve also read seemingly every other draft since then. You’ve had your ups and downs while writing/rewriting this piece, and you’ve also had some unfavorable reviews by people who are not your target audience, hell you’ve even had some rude reviews calling your writing “assinine of the highest order” and sh@t like that. But at the same time, this script won a SOM here on Trigger Street, and it is currently being scouted by Script Shark, and it also has collected a fan following amongst fellow writers on this and other sites. In short, you either like this kind of movie, or you don’t. And despite some negative reviews, you’ve always stuck by your guns and you’ve rewrote MONSTER MASH into a hilarious, fast paced, action packed, final draft.
  
  Anyway, let’s hit some categories one by one for a fair breakdown of your script--
  
  THEME
  
  While not entirely apparent on the surface, the theme I gathered from this script is; “A group of misfits prove their worth by saving their friend and the world”.
  
  Also, this script uses a “light Halloween” theme, but it doesn't overdo the aspect, which makes it feel just about right.
  
  STORY
  
  The core of your story is the rescue of Sandra from the evil Possessed Ted. What I really like is the way that the story is laid out, it’s faced paced and you don’t linger in any scene longer than you have to. You also have small character type subplots that you utilize without making them the core focus. And that’s exactly how a script such as this should read. So basically, you have a solid core story, and some meager subplots which give us insights into the characters. The blend is simple and it works-- For this kind of script.
  
  STRUCTURE
  
  You know how I feel about this category. But just for the “record”, I would like to point out that this script has a standard three act structure. No problems here.
  
  CHARACTER
  
  The main character Will has a slight arc (which is fine for a movie such as this) and he has a definite goal. I can’t see a problem here.
  
  The antagonist Possessed Ted also has a clear “bad guy” type of goal. So you’re good to go.
  
  The rest of the cast; Chuck, Dom, Lily and Chubby Mummy support the main story and the main character in a way that we expect.
  
  DIALOGUE
  
  It’s funny, to the point, and you use it to move the story forward without a hitch.
  
  PAGE COUNT
  
  I think you may be “one” page over for this genera. But don’t worry, it won’t put any nails in the coffin. Besides, there is no coffin here anyway. :)
  
  MARKETABILITY
  
  I think the budget for this type of movie would be rather low/middle ranged. They could put ten million dollars into this thing and easily make back forty at the theaters-- Not counting video sales. And while this is a target audience kind of movie, that audience is out there, and they are the same people that would make this a cult classic. Not to mention, around Halloween time this would be aired constantly on television.
  
  OVERALL
  
  A solid piece of work. Honestly, I can’t see why you uploaded it for feedback. Any changes from here on out would more than likely be small anyway.
  
  I hope this helps!
  
  read
• 
  You did the MASH!
  A review of Monster Mash
  by D J Sheridan on 07/14/2012
  INTRO: Way to go Daniel! Well now is the time to get this read and give my thoughts upon it. However as it is in process of optioning most of what I write here might not count for anything at all. But that said I’ll do my best to give comment, vision and clarity on your submission, which I already know is a hit on here. PLOT/STORY: Now the “world coming to an end… man goes... INTRO:
  Way to go Daniel!
  Well now is the time to get this read and give my thoughts upon it. However as it is in process of optioning most of what I write here might not count for anything at all. But that said I’ll do my best to give comment, vision and clarity on your submission, which I already know is a hit on here.
  
  PLOT/STORY:
  Now the “world coming to an end… man goes to save his girl and the world in the process… bad guy wants to resurrect another more potent demon, etc.” has been done before for the great effect and the total shambles… This, my friend, is where you shine through. It is a most excellent read and you play it well on the first act intro, character arcs – through the mid-point – to the final conflict.
  I have to be totally honest that I found it very easy to read, the plot (and subs) flowed very nicely into each other and I did not find myself retracing over old-read material.
  
  Areas of Concern…
  Not really much concern over this but I did feel that you’ve restricted yourself to what you could actually achieve. Don’t get me wrong it is fine the way it is but there is so much potential and many more avenues you could take this.
  I’m not overly confident on the mixture of werewolves, mummies and zombies you have going on. I was expecting to have some vampires and other demons thrown into the mix too, but soooooo glad they never did.
  I take it you must have seen “Shawn of the Dead” due to your ending bit, but I do feel that this was just tagged onto the end for the sake of it. Yes it worked okay but will be better them all just winning the day.
  
  
  ACTION:
  Pages 1 and 2:
  A great opening teaser that really pulls you into the context of what the story is all about. Well done!
  Now for the rest of it you have a unique style that really does grab us by the balls and holds us until we’re done reading to the very end. Every detail was crisp and clear to actually make you feel one with the story – you could almost smell every scene detail that at times it felt creepy – and made you feel like one of Will’s gang assisting along their task.
  Page 32:
  The Clown scene is great, but I feel it would be best served by actually having the Clown Teenager be caught by the Woofwoman and another and whilst they are eating away she could say “Yuck! Does this taste funny to you?”…
  I could list each and every single little scene that really did rock but it would be a monumental task in itself – that and I’d just be writing out your entire script in this review.
  
  Areas of Concern…
  Page 20:
  After a Scene Heading it would do the mind stimulus better to set the scene and not go right into a Character’s Dialogue…
  Page 23:
  You have the Bulky Woofman land outside next to Dom, Chuck and Lily… but then Will nearly slams into then inside the house in the TV Room… Best make the Ext. Scene have Dom run off into the house, followed by Lily and Chuck…
  Page 79:
  The flamethrower bit – you’ve so much set it up greatly but didn’t deliver. This would have been an excellent scene with Will chasing after Woof-Mark, then when the sprayer runs out…
  
  
  CHARACTERS:
  This is another excellent point of your script. Your characters were real – damned if they’re not! I could relate to each and everyone (would deffo like to relate up close and personal with Mrs. Fontana)…
  WILL being the protagonist oozes that meek style of leadership where we just know he’s going to save the day. Yes that can be a bit too much of a given but I felt like I knew him like my best friend. His love for Sandra was perhaps the only thing he had going for him to keep on his task of saving the world and the girl…
  He is a lesser than cool type who in his hour of need (and that of the world) he has to man up to what he has to do. And with his mates in tow that’s just what he does.
  SANDRA – being the object of Will’s affections is the cheerleader-type gal who just so happens to have a dad who has been possessed by an ancient deity who want to free the underworld dead onto the world and reign supreme over all. She is a similar character to most girls who are with their douche-bag boyfriends that don’t realize just how good the girls are.
  CHUCK – well he is just about everyone’s friend and everyone’s worst nightmare of a friend who just cracks jokes at about everyone and everything. And on top of which he loves sex, sex, sex….and more sex (whether he gets it or not is another thing) and is way too sexually innuendo to say the least.
  DOM – was the let-down in this script, not from a flaw thing but from ‘you had to kill him off’ kind of thing. I was hoping he was going to land himself the girl of his dreams (Lily) but no. The set-up was there for Sandra telling Will to bring Dom to the party but it was cut short during the 2nd act. Shame.
  LILY – is the kick-ass girl who yes granted has a shady past from a promiscuous point of view, but she is trying to pick up those broken pieces by going along with the ‘scooby gang’. That said if it wasn’t for her earlier sexual activities with one of the woof-men then they might not have got out of their church predicament…
  
  Areas of Concern…
  Not much of a concern but more of a suggestion. As Ted is the one that gets possessed would it serve better for Sandra’s mother to be possessed instead of Ted. Although it was kind of funny visualizing Possessed Ted dressing up as a woman during the preparations for world doom, I just feel it was too much in the way of comedy.
  
  
  DIALOGUE:
  This is probably the second best point in this script. Everything actually felt like it was what each character would say. None of the dialogue felt wooden at all and not a once did I get thrown into a WTF moment.
  
  Areas of Concern…
  Page 2:
  Now this is something that I personally have a concern over – regarding the ancients (whoever they might be) using language to express disdain, etc. ‘Fuck’ to me is most probably a new thing and not really around in ancient Egypt – but I might be wrong…
  Page 11:
  The “That hurts. That hurts. That hurts” bit does not sound right. How about plain old “Argh, you’re hurting me. Get off!”?
  Page 57:
  LILY
  What happened on the bus…. – What? Not sure anything happened on the bus as they only just got on it then they were opening the Church. Is there a missed scene here?
  
  On a last note I did feel that sometimes (and only on rare occasions) the spoken dialogue meandered from 18-year-old speak to 12-year-old speak and then back again. But you did make it feel real and that is the objective so it works well and is not noticeable much.
  
  
  MISCELLANEOUS FORMATS / ELEMENTS:
  What can I say that is wrong here? Nothing! Except it is wrong that you got everything so right!!!!
  
  
  OVERALL:
  This was an excellent read that really delivered with a hammer-punch. No wonder it is such a hit on TS…
  Well done and good luck with everything that this holds.
  
  Dave read