Reviews of Northern LIghts (rev) 14

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  Northern lights
  A review of Northern LIghts (rev)
  by dwrite on 08/16/2005
  This is a story that is well on its way to being a great feel good story. The strengths are that the three act structure with the twists and turns are well developed and the basic structure is pretty sound. The characters are well developed, but thought John needed some rounding out to be more believable. I thought there were bits like the 'deer' hunting that were original... This is a story that is well on its way to being a great feel good story. The strengths are that the three act structure with the twists and turns are well developed and the basic structure is pretty sound. The characters are well developed, but thought John needed some rounding out to be more believable. I thought there were bits like the 'deer' hunting that were original and made the story interesting. I really liked the characters of Corey and Bea. I also really like Anthony. I wondered if maybe it could be his story? Just a thought... There are some things that I think need work and mostly they are technical things that are easily fixable. For example, the naming conventions are a bit confusing as sometimes a character is referred to differently within a page like Tish and then she's referred to as his Sister in the next paragraph. That's more effective in writing prose. My suggestion would be to refer to a character in CAPITAL LETTERS first and then always refer to them as the same thing after. The other suggestion I would make is to go on a search for all 'ing' verbs and make them in the present tense. Like thrash instead of thrashing. This is what was suggested to me in writing class anyway.Finally, I would suggest any dialogue that might be repeating what another character has said or done should probably be cut back just to tighten up the story. Overall though, this is a pretty good effort and is well on its way. best of luck! dwrite read
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  Lights Flickering
  A review of Northern LIghts (rev)
  by ozmarns on 06/03/2005
  The Ashton siblings are now middle aged. When their mother dies, they return to their childhood home in Alaska to spend a week together before selling the place. It’s a character piece told from multi viewpoints about siblings who have drifted apart and rediscover their kinship. I like the three siblings. They’re very different but very believable. I felt we needed to... The Ashton siblings are now middle aged. When their mother dies, they return to their childhood home in Alaska to spend a week together before selling the place. It’s a character piece told from multi viewpoints about siblings who have drifted apart and rediscover their kinship.
  
  I like the three siblings. They’re very different but very believable. I felt we needed to get to Alaska earlier. The bulk of Act 1 is set-up and could be moved to the backstory or better yet simplified. All that’s needed is to get the three siblings and their satellites under one roof.
  
  How and when information is parcelled out is critical in a piece like this. The writer fails to make the most of some of her ideas because she’s too eager to answer a question as soon as it’s asked. The most obvious example is when youngest sib, Corey overhears eldest sib, John, telling his son Anthony that Corey is a loser. Wow. Bitter pill. How’s that going to play out between the two brothers? In the very next scene John opens a package addressed to Corey and reads an article saying that Corey gets $80K for one of his murals so John no longer thinks Corey is a loser. It’s a waste of a great set up.
  
  These sibs need to slug it out more. We’ve got to feel that the rekindling of kinship is a hard won thing. The strained reunion of a family after the death of a parent is a much used device. Nothing wrong with that but we really need to see them carve each other up a lot more before they sit down happily together to carve up the Christmas turkey. read
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  Nice Lights
  A review of Northern LIghts (rev)
  by wridir on 05/30/2005
  This is a well written sp. Well set up, good structure. Very competent. It's not going to win any prizes for originality. The only novel twist is the bringing together of estranged family members for a week together at the Alaskan family lodge, in hope that the reunion will prove to be a life changing experience. And it is. But you know it's going to be - although getting... This is a well written sp. Well set up, good structure. Very competent. It's not going to win any prizes for originality. The only novel twist is the bringing together of estranged family members for a week together at the Alaskan family lodge, in hope that the reunion will prove to be a life changing experience. And it is. But you know it's going to be - although getting there is sweet and sometimes dramatically interesting.
  
  I don't mean to damn Northern Lights with faint praise - but the fact that it's pretty derivative and family oriented as well - makes it primarily a candidate for a MOW or a minor holiday release. There isn't sufficient pop and/or emotional grit to qualify it in another category. The writers clearly intended it as a Xmas movie and if they look to the TV market, they may have a winner. read
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  Good job balancing multiple characters
  A review of Northern LIghts (rev)
  by mzoni on 05/30/2005
  I like how each of the three siblings is introduced in his/her own environment at the outset when they are given the news about their mother. Each of these scenes is brief but effective and gives us a pretty clear picture of John, Tish and Corey. After that, however, we see too much of each character separately. We get them talking with their own families about their Christmas... I like how each of the three siblings is introduced in his/her own environment at the outset when they are given the news about their mother. Each of these scenes is brief but effective and gives us a pretty clear picture of John, Tish and Corey. After that, however, we see too much of each character separately. We get them talking with their own families about their Christmas plans in Alaska and then arriving in Alaska. But everything after they discover their mother no longer has a burial plot is just filler. I would cut as quickly as possible to the main part of the story with them all together, trying to co-exist. That's where Act II begins.
  
  As I could see how all of the supporting characters would follow the three siblings to Alaska for the holidays, I was concerned that that would make for far too many characters. But I think the script does a terrific job of balancing all of the characters, and giving each an individual voice. The dialogue, however, is sometimes too on the nose. It could stand to be much more subtle in parts.
  
  The biggest problem here is that there is no identifiable main character. I appreciate the intent to give us something of an ensemble piece, but we are given two opposing agendas among the three kids: to sell or to keep the family's lodge. Should we sympathize more with John or Corey? I suspect the intention is to have us identifying more with Corey, but the story, as currently structured, does not present a strong enough case for either. read
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  On the whole - excellent writing. Some suggestions...
  A review of Northern LIghts (rev)
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 05/26/2005
  A delight to read. Thank you. As the title suggests - an excellent story - I thought you handled the character arcs well, realisations and growths weren't forced. Characters had a unique voice and weren't clichéd. Reasonable amount of tension occurring - themes dealt with extremely well. Good use of visual cues to enhance dialogue and subtext. Some suggestions - proof-read... A delight to read. Thank you. As the title suggests - an excellent story - I thought you handled the character arcs well, realisations and growths weren't forced. Characters had a unique voice and weren't clichéd. Reasonable amount of tension occurring - themes dealt with extremely well. Good use of visual cues to enhance dialogue and subtext. Some suggestions - proof-read - one mast scene heading was listed as an exterior when it should have been an interior. Consider putting the phone conversation between Tish and Cheryl as an intercut - too many master scene headings - they interrupt the read. Consider using secondary scene headings for Lodge locations. Also, break up or condense blocks of text that are five lines long. Great work. read
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  Northern Lights (Rev) Review
  A review of Northern LIghts (rev)
  by Lexey on 04/29/2005
  I read the former version and enjoyed it very much. This version seems to have added a bit more emotion, which is even better. I mentioned in my past review that although I liked the story very much, it failed to bring me to tears. Again, I found your story extremely moving, yet still no tears (which surprises me). Maybe it's just my mood at the moment, because I can't... I read the former version and enjoyed it very much. This version seems to have added a bit more emotion, which is even better. I mentioned in my past review that although I liked the story very much, it failed to bring me to tears. Again, I found your story extremely moving, yet still no tears (which surprises me). Maybe it's just my mood at the moment, because I can't put my finger on anything in particular that you could change and possibly this particularly story would give that final tear jerking impact when it comes alive on the big screen.
  
  As I mentioned before, I love the setting you have chosen.
  
  Your dialogue flows so naturally and you create characters that come to life.
  
  Now for my notes...
  
  Pgs 1 & 2. I think you should add (O.S.) for when Young Corey, John Jr, & Tish speak but are off screen.
  
  Pg. 2. Again, (O.S.) not (V.O.) for John Sr. & Mary's dialogue.
  
  Pg 3 Cut - "founder & president of Ashton Airways" -- wasted words.
  
  Pg 6. Cut - "silver-tongued" -- again, can't see that.
  
  Pg 41. bowls not bowels
  
  Pg 57. Frank Tibideaux was intro'd on pg 34, no need to cap name again. At that time he & John met, but then on pg 60 - they way Frank greets John, sounds like they are meeting in person for the first time.
  
  Pg 65. Just say LATER - can't tell that it's 20 minutes.
  
  Pg 77. Bea telling Elena, "You're not going to let him get away with that, are you?" -- I'm not sure if that's the right thing for her to say. I like Bea a lot, and although part of her charm is that her character speaks her mind, this seems to cross over the line, and turns her into more of a meddler than someone just trying to help. Also, later when John tries to act as a matchmaker for her & Cory, I question why he does that. He doesn't like Bea. To make this all work, I (in MHO) think you actually need a confrontation between Bea & John. Something that angers him at first, but then actually helps him see the light.
  
  That's all I have to offer. I like this script, I can see it being made, and I would pay to see it. Good luck. read
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  Nortrthen lights
  A review of Northern LIghts (rev)
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 04/22/2005
  I really like this script it is so beautiffuly written and it just speaks quality on every line. while the story is not that fascinating as such, the characterization is so damn good that it carries the reader right through. and it is the chraacters that really live . the dialogue is naurtalistic, I love it when you read a script and are not aware that you are reading dialogue... I really like this script it is so beautiffuly written and it just speaks quality on every line. while the story is not that fascinating as such, the characterization is so damn good that it carries the reader right through. and it is the chraacters that really live . the dialogue is naurtalistic, I love it when you read a script and are not aware that you are reading dialogue , but that you are just listening to people talking. So well done this is definatly one of the better script i've read on TS deserves to get made as an effective and touching character study, can;'t really say a lot more except good luck with this. just in case you're wondering I rated it highly, with excellant for characters and dialogue . read
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  You're getting close to something
  A review of Northern LIghts (rev)
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 04/18/2005
  It's a charming story That I and many others could easily identify with. The dialogue reveals a lot about the characters. Much of what I read made me grin it was so familiar. With a little restructuring it could be really good. With so many characters; much time is spent on characterization; so by the time we know them they are already undergoing the inevitable change. I'd... It's a charming story That I and many others could easily identify with. The dialogue reveals a lot about the characters. Much of what I read made me grin it was so familiar. With a little restructuring it could be really good.
  
  With so many characters; much time is spent on characterization; so by the time we know them they are already undergoing the inevitable change. I'd rather see it evolve over the course of the story. The sexual tension between Corey and Bea could have been tenser. I was unclear of how Anthony really felt about his parents potiential divorce. Most of what we knew came through the assumtion of other characters, and somehow I was expecting a surprise answer because of that. There are many things that need to be resolved in this story and it seems to backtrack when John strikes his son since he was being mr. nice guy just before that. On a technical note, a real old hand in the kitchen would utilize a roux or a slurry to eliminate lumps in a gravy rather than straining it. read
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  Lights Shine
  A review of Northern LIghts (rev)
  by Campo on 04/13/2005
  I was happy to read a script that was open, optimistic, and uplifting in spite of modern day problems and conflicts. I enjoyed reading ---to the very end--- what I expected would be a predictable holiday story. The situation wasn't outrageous, the characters were believable, and their problems were typical. I liked the interaction between them. Of course, a story such... I was happy to read a script that was open, optimistic, and uplifting in spite of modern day problems and conflicts. I enjoyed reading ---to the very end--- what I expected would be a predictable holiday story.
  The situation wasn't outrageous, the characters were believable, and their problems were typical. I liked the interaction between them. Of course, a story such as this had to have a dog, who finds Tish; a sensitive artist brother who might be gay; a young boy who is conflicted about his love of music and the wishes of his father; an old, beloved caretaker with no family, etc. It just HAD to be set in a remote place where the siblings are forced to "get along," etc., but in spite of all these predictable things, the story seems real.
  Little bits of comic relief are provided with Tish's behavior, Elena and Frank's situation, Bea and the gravy, and a myriad of other little things, such as the wearing of the Nordic sweaters, the "story" John tells the pilots about Anthony's medical situation, etc. that make the story likable, comfortable, and yes, predictable. Even so, the story is persuasive.
  There are a couple of typos ("it's" when it should be "its"), and for goodness sake, David ladles the hot soup into their "bowls," not "bowels."
  As "It's a Wonderful Life" is predictable in its ending, so is this story. The lodge is saved, people are reunited, etc. It's the sort of movie families would enjoy watching again and again during the Christmas season. I commend you for a job well done. read
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  Still more to do
  A review of Northern LIghts (rev)
  by Paul Ulrich on 04/10/2005
  This was a clean script with no typos or glaring errors--the work of someone who knows how to write, and to proofread. I think the writer is talented, but the story itself has some shortcomings. Overall, I found this slow going for the first two thirds and then rather rushed at the end. By rushed, I mean you had the various ensemble characters make sudden changes of heart... This was a clean script with no typos or glaring errors--the work of someone who knows how to write, and to proofread. I think the writer is talented, but the story itself has some shortcomings.
  
  Overall, I found this slow going for the first two thirds and then rather rushed at the end. By rushed, I mean you had the various ensemble characters make sudden changes of heart or take important decisions, with little preparation or build-up. I think if you had a smaller cast, you could have devoted more time to the individuals and made their individual subplots more unique and memorable. As it was, I was getting bored early on, wondering what made any of these characters particularly interesting or what unusual tasks confronted them.
  
  Everything you mention should have significance. For instance, did the occupations of the deceased parents matter, or that John was the head of a small airline, presumably started by his father? If so, you might have shown this facet more in, for example, a sibling rivalry where John was the favored one as a child, or whatever. What was Sam*s role? Or the role of Lucy?
  
  While grammatically correct, the dialogue often came across as stilted--of people speaking prose, or expository--dumping information for the benefit of the reader. You probably need to add more characterizations to the speech (have characters do something while they*re speaking, with their physical actions sometimes at odds with their words), make the dialogue less direct, and more idiomatic.
  
  The plot itself had little suspense or surprise to keep the reader engaged in the characters and wondering what would happen, or wondering how would they sort out their problems. Perhaps the problems themselves were too commonplace--or diluted by spanning so many
  
  
  Detailed comments by page number below.
  
  P3 *falls asleep* contradicts *dead*: say instead that she lies dead with a smile on her face.
  
  P5 omit *rather*.
  
  P6 omit *MUCH*. Just say *two young men*
  
  P13 *Kafkaesque* doesn*t sound like something someone would say.
  
  P14 pure info dump: *mom was a frontier nurse, dad was a bush pilot*--don*t you think the kids would know what their parents* occupations were?
  
  The inciting incident of mixed-up burial plots doesn*t seem very *inciting*--they quickly decide to cremate both bodies, so it*s not a big deal for the kids. Why should the audience care?
  
  P21 * Our father built . . .* --more info dump. And why not *Dad*?
  
  P22 *I apologize* --stilted dialogue. How about *I*m sorry*?
  
  The following dialogue is also somewhat turgid.
  
  Whose BMW?
  
  P25 Too much exposition in dialogue. Read the lines aloud to see if you would say them like that.
  
  P31 dogs don*t gallop
  
  P52 nematode? How about *worm*?
  
  P65 NOW?
  
  P81 Eunuchs are castrated males. What is the point of a woman saying she is not one?
  
  P103 *forms a line of one at the gate*? read