Watching a movie one afternoon, George, an unemployed actor serving up yogurt in Hollywood, experiences an actors'... more
HOW IT RATES
An absent-minded Grandfather recounts a story from his youth in which he claims to have met God at a mountaintop in a neighboring town. Consumed by curiosity, his impressionable 10 year-old grandson embarks on a journey with his skeptical best friend that becomes a test of their spiritual resolve. Along the way, they discuss every topic important to pre-adolescent boys, debate the concepts of the after-life, absorb life lessons, reveal personal secrets, and become hopelessly lost and disillusioned.
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Reviews of OFF TO SEE THE WIZARD 15
by Eric Maloney on 05/19/2008There's a lot to like about this script. The premise is simple--James and Hakeen set out set out to climb a mountain, where James's grandfather says he once saw heaven. The story is told in a straightforward fashion. The script generally is clean and easy to read. I like the overall tone. You treat the two boys as thinking human beings rather than as cartoons of kids. My first... There's a lot to like about this script. The premise is simple--James and Hakeen set out set out to climb a mountain, where James's grandfather says he once saw heaven. The story is told in a straightforward fashion. The script generally is clean and easy to read. I like the overall tone. You treat the two boys as thinking human beings rather than as cartoons of kids.
My first concern is that the boys' journey is an innocent adventure that isn't really compelled by circumstance or necessity. The trip seems more like the spontaneous lark than it does like something they have to do (for reasons real or imagined). That's fine, if there's a plot twist somewhere along the line that brings in an element of danger or moves the boys into a situation over which they no longer have control. I thought perhaps the Wild Man or the gangbangers would provide this, but they turn out to be nothing much more than diversions. Perhaps James needs a more compelling reason to make the journey; for example, to ask God to save a sick friend or family member. What do they gain by taking the journey and meeting God? What are the stakes? What's at risk if they fail?
After the basic premise is established and the boys begin their journey, I felt that the story almost immediately started to drag. They meet several people and have a few mild adventures (e.g., Craig, the old woman, the Wild Man), but I didn't feel that these scenes did much to push the story forward. Grandpa's arrival was an unexpected twist and gives the script a shot of energy, but that shifts the focus from the boys to Grandpa, and it leads to several more minor escapades (his old girlfriend's house, the transvestite) that again don't add a whole lot to the story. I felt that the strongest part of the story was when Grandpa makes his decision to leave the nursing home and go to the mountain, but this reinforced my sense that the original story and main character had been subverted and overthrown.
As regards the characters, James and Hakeen were OK if not compelling. There's a lot of talk between the two, and while I don't want to call the dialog predictable, I didn't run across many lines that were surprising or original. I think you could do a better job of making them stronger and more interesting characters. Grandpa was a one-note band, and it didn't take long for me to get tired of his woe-is-me-I'm-an-old-man routine. After a while, he comes across as little more than bitter and self-pitying, and I don't think this is the intent. If the message is that heaven is here on earth, then why can't Grandpa find a little bit of that heaven in his adventure with the boys? There's very little change in Grandpa from the beginning to the end: He pisses and moans, gets shoved into the nursing home, and then vanishes.
As regards the title, I really think "Off to See the Wizard" is a misfire and should be reconsidered. For starters, I see only superficial parallels between this and "Wizard of Oz." The title invites comparisons, and I don't think that's fair to this script. For example, there's Max the dog, who obviously has a parallel in Toto. The difference is that Toto was an important part of "The Wizard of Oz," whereas Max is completely irrelevant, which raises the question of why the dog is in here at all. Then there's the red cap, which immediately made me think of Dorothy's red shoes, and I knew that the red hat was going to show up at the end of the story (a la the cane in "Miracle on 34th Street"). If I didn't have the "Oz" reference to offer hints, I might not have picked up on that, and the ending might have been more of a surprise to me.
The rest of my comments are more or less in page order.
1--Lies, not lays.
5--"Once you're in a Nursing Home, you never get out alive." Good line.
6--""here-after" is a misspelling; it's not and never has been a hyphenated compound.
Writing about heaven might work in a private or religious school, but I question if this would be permissible in a public school (separation of church and state).
I like the possibilities of Hakeen and James having a conflict over the existence of heaven. I think this could be better exploited later in the story.
11--red hat: Very obvious what this is here for.
12--"I'm thinking a sport coat and tie." Good line.
14--The kids' cute language gets a little thick for my taste.
15--Good foreboding with the Wild Man; gives us a sense of danger.
18--"The Mets got two outfielders older than him." Good line.
22--Question: How do the meetings with Craig and the old woman advance the story? What do James and Hakeen gain that help or hinder them on their journey, or are these just episodes? In "The Wizard of Oz," every one of Dorothy's encounters and adventures builds inevitably toward the climax.
25--"Why ask him stuff you can Google?" Good line.
27--The meeting with Wild Man is a letdown; nothing happens here.
32--To this point, the story lacks any real tension or drama.
40--"I killed guys twice your size in the jungles of Korea!" Is this is supposed to be a deliberate misstatement to comment on Grandpa's faulty memory? If so, it probably will miss the mark, because many people actually believe there are jungles in Korea.
43--"You can't MapQuest a mountain." You sure can.
"James slips his head through the crack": Slips his head through a 2-inch crack?
50--Another seemingly random incident that doesn't take the story anywhere.
57--"It's from a beer commercial way before your time." The word predates beer commercials by several centuries.
57--"I looked at myself in the mirror the other day. Know what I saw? An old man." This theme gets repeated often and is starting to get boring.
60--"As he stares at it, tears form." Getting mawkish here.
60--"so enjoy it while you're young." Again, this is getting to be tedious.
66--The guillotine seems like a contrivance. It would make sense if we had a hint that, for example, Wild Man had once been a magician or worked for a circus.
86--"...but I think there's a heaven here on earth. Its always been here -- you just gotta know where to look." Disappointing; hackneyed. I don't doubt the sincerity of the sentiment, or even the truthfulness of it, but I find it to be uninspired. read
by tigerylan on 11/13/2007I must apologize ahead of time; I personally had numerous problems with this SP. First off, I had trouble believing any of it. At first, I was expecting a PG-13 adventure with two boys on a futile search for heaven, and will ultimately learn some other lesson of life, growing up, whatever. It proceeded to become a cuss-ridden debacle, with one comical scene of two boys talking... I must apologize ahead of time; I personally had numerous problems with this SP.
First off, I had trouble believing any of it. At first, I was expecting a PG-13 adventure with two boys on a futile search for heaven, and will ultimately learn some other lesson of life, growing up, whatever. It proceeded to become a cuss-ridden debacle, with one comical scene of two boys talking about what heaven would be like stretched into nearly a 30 page sequence. Lines like "You can't MapQuest a mountain" and "If God played baseball, do you think he'd hit like a hundred homers a year?" can't carry a SP; story and character needs to do that. From then on, several things just struck me as odd, and nonsensical throughout.
The boys encounter an Old Woman who tells them of the story of the vicious Beast and Wild Man William (reminiscent of Stand By Me and The Sandlot, and countless other films), only to have the Officer completely discredit her by saying the dog ate chips out of his hand. He also says "goddamn" in front of the kids, and he's not the only one to cuss in front of them.
The boys talk about a guy who survived from eating his own excrement. I didn't find this either charming, funny, or cute.
The Priest uses the phrase "old man" like uncle Tony from Long Island. Nobody seemed to really have a voice; everyone had dialogue that sounded the same.
The boys seem to walk, and walk, and walk forever, only to find themselves suddenly, as if magically, in a gang-infested neighborhood; they call Grandpa, and within two minutes, he finds them. The boys were never in danger, and I never worried about them. You set up the Grandpa to be an incredible danger behind the wheel, but it never pays off.
The Grandpa is immediately not sympathetic when he suggests these two boys go unsupervised on this trek up the mountain that he nearly died trying to climb. I can only assume the Grandpa thought he saw heaven because he took a nasty fall, and is now telling these boys "Yeah go and see God, it happened to me." I couldn't get behind that at all.
The Grandpa pulls a knife on Hakeen. What!? The last third of the SP seemed to suddenly switch focus from these two boys on a journey to fulfill some school assignment to a character study of the Grandpa, and whether he was crazy or not. It didn't seem to work. The Grandpa also refers to an ipod. He's 80 years old. I didn't buy it.
The entire SP seemed a vehicle to justify the existence of heaven and God by portraying and rationalizing it through young, innocent boys who don't have a concept of it just yet, but still talk about their teachers getting boob jobs and (pardon me) eating shit to survive.
My criticisms would be this: figure out WHAT THIS STORY IS ABOUT. Is it a commentary on the existence of heaven? A parable of religion in general? Or is it a buddy-adventure Indiana Jones-style, and their quest is not the holy grail or the lost ark, but heaven itself?
Is it a comedy or a drama? Figure out WHO'S STORY IS THIS: the boys? The Grandpa?
Figure out WHO THIS STORY IS FOR: is it for kids and families? If so, cut the swearing. If it's for adults, there's way too much down-time of kids walking around, talking, and basically, doing nothing.
One last thing: the Grandpa disappears amidst a temporary thunder storm at the mountain...which seems much more like witchcraft that dying and going to heaven. Right? If we're talking about God and heaven in the Christian sense, where does the thunder and vanishing bodies fit in?
Again, I apologize for this. I just couldn't get on board with any aspect of the SP. A lot must go into the preparation of the SP before actually writing it, a lot of decisions like the ones mentioned above need to be made before starting. They are decisions that can only help the success of every SP. read
by andrewkula on 11/12/2007Sam, Your story has some very nice, poignant moments. I think Grandpa describing the origins of his wood slab and the old lady videotaping a message to her husband both conveyed genuine emotion. The dialogue between James and Hakeen was witty but age-appropriate. James's character development was subtle but effective from the opening scene to his classroom presentation,... Sam,
Your story has some very nice, poignant moments. I think Grandpa describing the origins of his wood slab and the old lady videotaping a message to her husband both conveyed genuine emotion. The dialogue between James and Hakeen was witty but age-appropriate. James's character development was subtle but effective from the opening scene to his classroom presentation, and the story conveys a strong message about how to value life. That said, I have a couple of suggestions for your next draft.
1. You may want to include more obstacles along the way. It seemed like the trip was too linear because there were few complications - the dead phone battery and them losing their way are difficulties, but nothing unexpected. Mrs. Combs realizes that they're gone, but we don't see her searching for them, and we don't get the sense that she could prevent them from completing their journey. She seems like a logical choice for an obstacle - they can't reach heaven if James's mother finds them first and brings them home.
2. I felt like Grandpa was too healthy and lucid for his actions toward the end. Something about him abandoning his life just because he was living in a nursing home felt disturbing. Afterall, it's kind of an inconsiderate way to leave his family. Maybe it would seem more appropriate for him to seek out Heaven if he had more apparent health issues. I didn't take his diabetes to be life threatening, so it seemed like he'd probably get another 10-15 years. That made me a little uneasy with Grandpa's behavior.
3. The mythology of Wild Man William didn't really work for me. I think in a lot of ways it reminded me of a movie called "The Sandlot," which had James Earl Jones as a much-feared hermit with a dog known as "the beast." It also included a story of a ball thrown over the fence and a kid's attempts at retrieving it. I think this episode of Wild Man William can work as a way to change the boys' perspectives and teach them a lesson about prejudgment, but it should be more unique in its approach.
4. You could probably do without the explicit comparisons to the Wizard of Oz. I think this story deals with entirely different issues, and trying to draw parallels with the Wizard of Oz felt unnecessary and forced. There are probably more appropriate stories to use as parallels, but I think this would stand best on its own, without having to show why it's like things we've seen before.
5. A couple of minor questions I had: A. Why is this mountain only 200 feet tall? If it's a hill that of that size, would it even have a name? B. The old lady talks about how she never moved away in all the time since her husband died "so long ago," but she also said that it's only been about two years. C. Was James's name Andy in an earlier draft? D. Can you use the final scene to reprise the action/imagery of the opening scene? It seems like it'd be appropriate to see another discussion about how to spend the day and watch James act the opposite of what he was like when we met him.
In general, I thought this was an engaging, lively story with a solid emotional core. A pleasant read. I hope my suggestions are helpful to you, and I wish you best of luck with your revisions. If you have any questions or want to discuss anything further, please let me know. Keep it up.
- Andrew read
by samnorton on 11/12/2007This script ambles along, but it does so quite nicely. I felt like you stuck to the fundamentals and did them pretty well. So often screenplays are lacking a problem for the characters to be driven by and you do well not to fall into that trap. Also, I like how small you make that problem. Ultimately this is a film about 2 kids trying to complete a single page creative writing... This script ambles along, but it does so quite nicely. I felt like you stuck to the fundamentals and did them pretty well. So often screenplays are lacking a problem for the characters to be driven by and you do well not to fall into that trap. Also, I like how small you make that problem. Ultimately this is a film about 2 kids trying to complete a single page creative writing project. That's what drives the story forward and allows you to explore bigger ideas.
Normally I like to latch onto a few small specific problems with the scripts I am reviewing and go into detail about them. Typically I deal in structure, but I don't think this you've given me much chance to do that here. The subplot with the Grandpa nicely compliments the main story and the story is pretty tight. Although I suppose there is an argument that you don't have other subplots doing similar jobs. We get occasional scenes which hint to a bigger picture, but I don't see mini-narratives that are running at the same time.
For example, Mrs. Combs comes home to get flustered about grandpa disappearing as well as the 2 boys, but there is no consequence of this. The threat that the boys are going to get in trouble for disappearing never turns into anything.
Likewise, Craig and The Old Woman appear and disappear pretty quickly. I understand the need to do this as the characters continue on their journey, but I almost wonder if the story would be work better with a subplots which have beginnings, middles and ends rather than little scenes which directly comment on the main story.
Having said this, I think I may be being picky as the Grandpa's subplot does this job well. Also, the classroom is a good way too bookend the adventure.
Next up, I'm not sure that I am overly passionate about the referencing to The Wizard of Oz. I may have missed the point, but I can't entirely see how it bolsters the story. Instead it feels slightly external to it. This is perhaps the one part of the story where I felt like it began to lag and if I had to cut something, it would be this. I simply think that with a story of this kind, with the small scale and slow pacing that you need to be lean. It wouldn't hurt to be coming in ten pages shorter.
I fear you'll disagree considering it even made the title, but alas I've said it now.
That's pretty much all I have to say. Anything else is nitpicking. For example, I wonder if the boys are maybe a little too crude for their age, although I'm sure it's something you've taken time to consider.
All in all I think it's a nice little script, although you might run into some people who argue that it's more suited to the small screen than the big one.
Here are the notes I took whilst reading:
You missed a bracket after Hakeen's name on page 1.
P.6 - Upstairs - one word
P.6 channel swims sounds weird. In Britain people swim the channel so maybe that's why. I've always heard it as "channel surf" though.
P.14 - James's dialogue should be (V.O.) OR (O.S.) as well as Grandpa's.
P.31 - even if heaven exits. (exists)
P.99 - "buy your kid an ipod". It's fine, but I'd groan if this was made and I saw it in a cinema because it screams of product placement. read
by tarboy on 11/06/2007This last Sp I read with a blue Star sucked. I look forward to a good read here. I hope whatever I say will help. Forgot to add,) HAKEEN (10 This always bothers me On another shelf is a framed 5X7 of him standing proudly beside his GRANDPA at Disney World. What does Grandpa look like? I know you arenít supposed to describe the character until they appear in person. How does... This last Sp I read with a blue Star sucked. I look forward to a good read here. I hope whatever I say will help.
Forgot to add,)
This always bothers me
On another shelf is a framed 5X7 of him standing proudly beside his GRANDPA at Disney World.
What does Grandpa look like? I know you arenít supposed to describe the character until they appear in person. How does the reader know then what he looks like?
But James is already heading down the stairs.
James heads down the stairs.
Only what we see.
He still wears only one shoe.
He wears only one shoe.
No need for, AGAIN
Mrs. Combs shouts toward the stairs again.
Mrs. Combs shouts toward the stairs.
No need for, STILL
He whimpers slightly,
No need for, ANOTHER
Hakeen takes a bite of his ice cream sandwich.
What does that look like? More than satisfied
MRS. ROMO (35), a teacher more than satisfied with her job
Donít need to write this twice
Mrs. Romo finishes writing. Under Word-Of-The-Day is written "HERE-AFTER."
the word-of-the-day printed on the chalkboard.
What do we see that lets us know it, After school. If nothing then, Hakeen enters with James. They drop their backpacks by the front door. Is fine.
It was caked with blood, but he was smiling at me.
Not according to her description
Her eyes already bug out.
We know this
a classmate seen earlier
You should remove, STILL, CONTINUES, BEGINS from your ACTION LINES
If they donít like Craig why would they give him anything?
James removes the Devil Dogs from his backpack, breaks off a small piece.
You shouldnít give camera direction in your Sp
LONG SHOT of the boys as they follow a hiking trail that leads to a longer bridge.
They already asked about,
Excuse me, ma'am, but is Man-Hing Mountain down this road?
So whatís the point for, HAKEEN?
But we gotta get past his place to get to -- Hakeen stops when James elbows him in the arm.
Get where? Where you boys headed?
They asked is Man-Hing?
What ACTION is there to show us she, believes it's all somehow possible.
The boys take a few more cautious steps.
The boys take a few cautious steps.
One of the police officers exits the house and heads back to the car.
One of the police officers exits the house and heads toward the car.
By doing what?
James hides his nervousness.
If you had a juice box to wash me down, yeah, you'd eat me.
No, he in an excited state you have not written. How would we know what he has done before what we have read?
He's in an excited state we haven't seen before.
When did the wood become, LUCKY?
removes his lucky slab of wood. He rubs it nervously.
removes an old SLAB OF WOOD the size of a cell phone.
Honestly how could you not know where mountain is?
You ought a house from someone and donít remember their name
Name may have been Arlene.
How would we know that?
They've been driving around a while.
Why did they ask the Old woman where the mountain was? Too busy talking about Arlene?
How do we know she left it? Theyíre no mention of it before.
The half-prepared salad is as she left it on the counter.
Would we see?
She looks at a half-prepared salad on the counter.
Lord knows what you would do if you couldnít use, BACK and CONTINUES.
Mother has no reaction to her father and son coming home?
There are quite a few mistakes but the GREAT thing they donít hurt the story. Donít worry about my comments you have a blue star. Thank you and good luck read
by aohana on 11/05/2007Very enjoyable read--nice, tight screen prose. I love the characters and the snappy dialogue. I did notice a few glitches. On page 24 it should be sewed not sowed. You have what written twice in a row on page 30. Also on page 31 I think you meant exists not exits. Later on page 62 it says Hakeen hands one to Andy. Andy? Who is Andy? In the flashback sequence when Grandpa goes... Very enjoyable read--nice, tight screen prose. I love the characters and the snappy dialogue. I did notice a few glitches. On page 24 it should be sewed not sowed. You have what written twice in a row on page 30. Also on page 31 I think you meant exists not exits. Later on page 62 it says Hakeen hands one to Andy. Andy? Who is Andy? In the flashback sequence when Grandpa goes to heaven Grandpa speaks in V.O. but James doesn't. It's also awkward the way you introduce some of the students in the scene where the class is discussing heaven. Jessica and Craig just start speaking without any introduction then later on in the story you give a description of Craig. It was distracting enough it pulled me out of the story. Overall I thought the story worked. I loved the twist on the Wild Man character, you really turned the monster-in-the-neighborhood convention on its ear. Good job. read
by tayandi on 10/30/2007An interesting comedy script. How a clever way of asking some fundamental questions about the existence of heaven and the meaning of our life. The beginning is clear and informs us about the genre and what the story about: a trip to heaven or meet with god. The plot structure is simple and engaging and the characters are believable. Characters development Haaken and James... An interesting comedy script. How a clever way of asking some fundamental questions about the existence of heaven and the meaning of our life.
The beginning is clear and informs us about the genre and what the story about: a trip to heaven or meet with god. The plot structure is simple and engaging and the characters are believable.
Haaken and James are bright young boys with a strange objective: meet god as James grandpa has done before. James grandpa is old man who doesnít want to be treating like an ill old man he wants to be free and feel able to take care of himself.
Mrs. Combs is a realistic woman who works and thinks that a nursing home will be better for her father. They are real and we can easily identify ourselves to them. It is ordinary people with ordinary fear and question and belief as everyone could have and this implies believable dialogues.
The plot structure
The plot is Simple and engaging as we know the objectives of each characters. The main question is simple, will they succeed in find heaven and meet god?
We have a beginning, middle and an end. The idea of a trip to heaven starts with homework for the class which is the catalyst. And the story of the grand pa acts as a beat which set the idea of a trip to heaven and the way which lead to god.
Act II: the adventure itself, the trip to Man-Hing Mountain. The persons and the difficulties they meet. Grand pa who joins them and decide to take them to Man-Hing Mountain where everything begins.
Act III: the resolution. The moral they learn after the trip and the real and simple conception of heaven.
This is the plot A but the personal challenge it represents for the grand pa can be seen as the plot B.
It is an interesting and simple adventure.
It will be better if there were more interesting complications and twists for the two boys during the trip before or after they call grand pa.
by mlambush on 10/29/2007Hey, another NYU Film alum! How ya doing? I found this to be a nice, pleasant read, in the mold of "Stand by Me". I loved that the main characters were either children or old people. Not something you see everyday. I think you did an excellent job of capturing the speech and thoughts of 10 year old boys (fifth graders, by the way, not fourth, see p. 22). I remember... Hey, another NYU Film alum! How ya doing?
I found this to be a nice, pleasant read, in the mold of "Stand by Me". I loved that the main characters were either children or old people. Not something you see everyday.
I think you did an excellent job of capturing the speech and thoughts of 10 year old boys (fifth graders, by the way, not fourth, see p. 22). I remember having similar whimsical conversations with my own childhood friends about all the places we'd manage to get to just by walking a few blocks. Well done. I think in some instances you might have a little too much talk. Or, there should at least by something visual going on in the scene to intice the viewers while listening to all the talk.
I felt the Wild Man scene fell a little flat. There was room for a little more tension and even a scare or two. I mean, this seemed the perfect place for Hakeen to "dare" James into running up on the front porch, or something. I think by having the police show up so fast, you cut short the tension and missed a great opportunity for a funny scene.
Loved the stuff with Grandpa, but with his reappearance in the story we have a sudden introduction of curse words into the dialogue. Unless you are going for a hard "R", I'd lose them. And chances are that anyone who'd produce this film would most likely be aiming for a PG-13. According to Bruce Willis, when making Die Hard 4, in order to get the PG-13, they were only allowed one F*CK. You've got like 10 of them. I don't know if that's going to fly, and they didn't always seem necessary. Maybe the old coot could get away with letting a few f-bombs fly, but why would Mom drop one on her neighbor? Didn't seem like something a mom would say.
So other than a general tightening up, I think the only other thing missing is some sort of internal need on James' part that gets fulfilled by his quest. Boredom is his primary motivation, but it'd be nice if we find out how this journey changes him internally.
I thought the ending was great. Loved the way Grandpa returned to the mountain.
Some format Notes:
First, get rid of all the italics. That's a no-no
You need FADE IN and FADE OUT
ANNOUNCER needs a (V.O.)
It's TOW on p. 8, not TOE
P. 10 -- Capitalize all these kids' names the first time they appear
p. 14 -- the flashback is formatted wrong. Pick up a copy of "The Screenwriter's Bible" by Dave Trottier
p. 24 -- SEWED, not SOWED
p. 30 -- two "WHAT"s in a row in Hakeen's first line on the page
p. 32 -- Get rid of LONG SHOT, and POV and any other camera directions. Don't worry about HOW the story is told, that's the director's job. Just focus on telling the story
p. 54 "smoke FLOW from the tail pipe" not FLOWS
p. 62 -- Who's Andy?
p. 66 -- Don't hyphenate PICNIC
p. 73 -- instead of SAME -- MOMENTS LATER, just put DAY. It's just assumed that one scene follows the one before it.
p. 75 -- Lose BACK TO, and just use the Secondary Heading "IN THE CAR"
p. 82 -- MAGIC HOUR is not a proper time of day designation. Just use DAY or NIGHT. If there's sunlight, even at twilight, it's DAY
p. 93 -- It's not DAY/NIGHT. It's one or the other
Good job, best of luck with this piece! I really enjoyed it. read
by Ron Aberdeen on 10/29/2007This opens well, although missing a FADE IN. For some reason scripts should start with a FADE IN: The opening dialogue captures two kids well but it needs to be interrupted with occasion action. Remember film is visual so even in long periods of dialogue something is always happening, even if it in the background. Some small technical errors which must be addressed. Never... This opens well, although missing a FADE IN.
For some reason scripts should start with a FADE IN:
The opening dialogue captures two kids well but it needs to be interrupted with occasion action. Remember film is visual so even in long periods of dialogue something is always happening, even if it in the background.
Some small technical errors which must be addressed.
Never use italics Ė see page 7; and the announcer should read 'ANNOUCER (V.O.)'.
Page 15 Not ĎBack to presentí but END FLASHBACK.
For me it is taking too long for the story the show. Iím 15 minutes into the film (script) and nothing of real interest has happened.
With out a doubt you have captured your characters and your writing brings them to life.
Page 26: Remove ĎPOV VIDEO CAMERAí. Camera directions are real No-Go in a spec script.
Itís easy to write: James looks through the view finder and sees Mr. Jantzen, as he stares at the camera, amused.
Generally, this is well written and as some beautiful moments, but moments donít make a film.
A little careful editing wouldnít go amiss.
The only real area to concentrate on to improve this is your technical proficiency and the three act structure, at the moment they are not clearly defined.
Apart from that, this is a well crafted tale, engaging and intriguing, but only at times. Other times it is slow and could be too slow for the screen.
For me this best part was the ending. Again you capture the curiosity and innocence of James and Hakeen excellently.
An enjoyable read and your imagination and writing skills show you could do this better. read
by D_Order on 10/28/2007First off I enjoyed the script. I think you caught the essence of an innocence that a ten year old would have perfectly. The concept of two friends going on a quest is well done. You want for them to succeed, and you want to see what happens as well since you are curious what the outcome of the story will be. This brings me to my one problem. The character I liked the... First off I enjoyed the script. I think you caught the essence of an innocence that a ten year old would have perfectly. The concept of two friends going on a quest is well done. You want for them to succeed, and you want to see what happens as well since you are curious what the outcome of the story will be. This brings me to my one problem. The character I liked the most was the grandfather. He was the whole reason the story worked for me. I think he needs to be more center, make more of the quest with him and the kids. Let him be the messed up Jedi sensei he seems to be. He is trying to pass down information to the boys, but he is unable to communicate it directly. Give him more chances and I think this would be so much more solid. I donít think you need to show the him reclimbing the mountain, leave it off and have him know about the A. We will get the fact he went back. If you feel you need more closure leave it with him getting on the bus. That would work as well. Please look at it again and polish it because I think you have a movie on the level of Stand By Me in there, but bring grandfather into it more. read
- Writer: Sam Buttari
- Uploaded by: edgardo8
- Length: 103 pages
- Genre: comedy, drama
- Although the two main characters are 10 year old boys, itís not a script intended for children. I'm hoping it appeals to a thoroughly mainstream audience.
- Bio: The 3 biggest reasons for failure: beginnings, middles and ends.
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