The bright lights of Broadway are a lure for many young girls from America's heartland. But what happens when the... more
HOW IT RATES
Down on his luck, Hank Taylor accepts a deadly mission from weapons-dealer, Sheng Chao - to retrieve a one-of-a-kind android, Kelly, from space pirates. Mission complete, almost without a scratch, Hank undertakes the harsh journey home. However he begins to form a bond with Kelly, and the notion of returning her to Sheng Chao becomes more and more impossible.
Members Who Like This Submission Also Like...
Reviews of Omega Complex 19
by WAH3 on 09/30/2011A good story with lots of twists and turns. The structure seems to work very well. Inciting incident in about the right place and keeping us on our toes until the very end. Some of the language could stand to be cleaned up a bit. For instance, the use of “are sat” vs. “sit”, but I understood what was going on. Not sure the numerous hull advertisements were needed. It sort... A good story with lots of twists and turns. The structure seems to work very well. Inciting incident in about the right place and keeping us on our toes until the very end. Some of the language could stand to be cleaned up a bit. For instance, the use of “are sat” vs. “sit”, but I understood what was going on. Not sure the numerous hull advertisements were needed. It sort of distracted from the story. Such as the P4 “Orion Energy is buzzing on the crafts hull.”
Suggest when the Chinese pilots talk to each other (P5) you clarify that they talk in Chinese with English subtitles or we won’t know what they are saying.
On P8 in the Cargo Bay, suggest you clarify that Hank’s on the phone. I was initially confused as to who John was before I picked it up in the context of the conversation. Maybe, he starts with a “Hello?” to let people know.
I liked it. Good luck! read
by DontStealMyScript on 09/29/2011OVERVIEW Thanks for sharing your work! You writing style was clear and concise and you knew exactly where you wanted to take this story. Unfortunately, there's not much here that feels original. A swashbuckling Han Solo type delivers cargo for a living using his one-man ship, the Dancing Queen. Lots of nods to Blade Runner in this one. Too many in fact because the obvious... OVERVIEW
Thanks for sharing your work! You writing style was clear and concise and you knew exactly where you wanted to take this story.
Unfortunately, there's not much here that feels original. A swashbuckling Han Solo type delivers cargo for a living using his one-man ship, the Dancing Queen. Lots of nods to Blade Runner in this one. Too many in fact because the obvious comparisons will be made.
So I'm sorry to report that I didn't find much to get excited about with this story. Average premise, average characters, average twists, average everything.
My notes from the read are below:
1 - CHARACTERS
2 - STRUCTURE
b) Thematic Dialogue
c) Inciting Incident
p. 15 When Cheng hires Hank to pickup a package.
d) Turn Point 1
p. 29 when Hank opens the black coffin and discovers a woman inside.
e) Midpoint turn
p. 52 When Cheng refuses to help Hank repair his ship and gives him 12 hours to deliver the coffin.
f) Turn Point 2
3 - PLOT
I'm on page 30 and I don't feel anything toward the main character Hank. You haven't really shown us anything to make us like him. That's unfortunate because if I don't like him, I don't care what happens to him, and the rest of your story might be a chore to get through. There has to be something you can do to make him more likable.
When Hank sleeps with the robot on p. 70, I can't help but be reminded of Blade Runner. I think this could hurt your story because some readers, from here on out, will be comparing yours to that classic film.
4 - WHAT WORKED
5 - WHAT DIDN'T WORK
On page 29, you take us from Hank seeing the robot come out of the coffin to the robot locked behind a door with Hank on the other side. This is a really strange leap in the story. Just show us that he runs and locks the robot in the room.
It feels contrived that Hank would accept Charles invitation to the party. Charles stole his CPU invention, so he doesn't like him or trust him. Hank's ship is in need of repair, he's opened a cargo coffin that he wasn't supposed too and the contents - Kelly - would be going with him to the party, and he's been given 12 hours by Cheng to deliver the coffin. In spite of all this, you have him decide to go to a party. Feels very much like a plot device - something that happens just because you want to tell the story that way. I haven't read the party scene yet, but it seems obvious that something is going to disrupt it and Kelly and Hank are going to get into some kind of trouble. Can you find a way to make Hank's decision to go to the party more organic? Maybe Charles has something that he holds over Hank's head to get him to the party. But as it's written now, Hank has zero reason for deciding to go.
6 - THEME
7 - DIALOGUE
p. 57 'Mister Hanson would like you to join his company.' Here and other places in your script, the dialogue feels awkward and needs to be tweaked a little. Maybe something like: 'Mr. Hanson would like you to join him.'
8 - SETUPS / PAYOFFS
9 - TWISTS
10 - CINEMATIC SCENES
11 - DETAILED COMMENTS
p. 49 'Hank puts his hands on his hips. Stares at her. But his hard gaze looks as though is has been broken some.' This and other action descriptions at various points in your script seem a little awkward. I'd consider reworking them so that they flow better.
12 - EASE OF READ
13 - LOGLINE
14 - TELEGRAPHS
15 - PAGE COUNT
16 - OVERALL
While this story didn't seem to add anything new to the genre and didn't excite me, I do believe you have the skill to become successful. Good luck and keep writing.
by jayb on 09/27/2011OMEGA COMPLEX makes a great first impression. The first ten pages were very well written. You did a good job of establishing the futuristic setting for this story, with a minimum of exposition and lots of impressive visuals. At first, I felt like I was in the hands of a seasoned pro and was wondering if I would be able to give a constructive critique. As I got deeper into... OMEGA COMPLEX makes a great first impression. The first ten pages were very well written. You did a good job of establishing the futuristic setting for this story, with a minimum of exposition and lots of impressive visuals. At first, I felt like I was in the hands of a seasoned pro and was wondering if I would be able to give a constructive critique. As I got deeper into the human side of the story, I saw there would be opportunities for me to comment. But I want you to know that the opening pages were among the best I’ve read on TriggerStreet.
You do a very good job of not overloading the opening pages with exposition. This is the sign of a professional writer: to show, not tell. Unfortunately, this fundamental rule was not adhered to throughout the script. You are very good at depicting the visuals and mechanics of space and spacecraft, but seem to falter with the more subtle mechanics of human relations. I neither understood nor accepted the many turns in relationships between Hank and just about other significant character in the story.
It’s good that there is conflict between characters. But much of this conflict is not emotionally plausible. For the love story at the heart of OMEGA COMPLEX to work, the reader has to see Kelly as a fully realized human being with a realistic emotional life. This does not happen because, like Hank, she is not a fully realized character. Both of them speak about their emotions, as opposed to speaking through them.
The relationship between Hank and Deadeye was even harder to follow and accept. Conflict between characters is generally a good thing, but this relationship took too many turns from suspicion, to betrayal, to trust, and back to betrayal. After a while I gave up caring, as Hank seemed not to learn from his mistakes.
I commended you above on keeping the first ten pages mostly clear of exposition. At the other side of this issue is the reader’s need for clarity as the plot progresses and gets more complicated. Most writers on this site err on the side of providing too much information, so I don’t want to make a big deal about this, but there were times I was confused about what was happening. The assault on the Eagle Station is an example. As the action gets more complicated the descriptions are less precise and I became confused. There are examples of this in my notes below.
In contrast to the opening pages, the ending was disappointing, even disturbing. I could not accept that Hank would continue to harbor romantic feelings towards a being with its wiring and circuitry exposed, no matter how pretty its face. I think this ending would be a lot more palatable if Kelly were depicted as more humanlike in her emotions as well as her internal composition. But honestly, a love story between a human and a robot is a tough sell, no matter how fully realized you make her character. A story like this almost demands a tragic ending.
OMEGA COMPLEX is well written in parts. Particularly the beginning. You also have a fairly solid concept. The story is intriguing and with the right budget the visuals could be stunning. But you must strive for greater depth of character and emotional realism for this story to work for me.
p. 10 – “I built it, asshole” – I’m wondering what the inventor of such an important and advanced technology as the Omega CPU is doing piloting a cargo ship. Sure, he’s down on his luck. But is that an appropriate skill match?
p. 19-20 – It’s a little unclear what’s happening here. Is Deadeye firing on Hank? Why? What does Hank mean when he says “Bastard’s using as bait. Trying to get a clean run.” Wait… I get it. There are machine turrets on the asteroids firing at both ships. Is there a way to make this clearer? Maybe a more detailed description of the Asteroid Bastion on page 19 and a better overall set-up of the assault on the Eagle Station are in order. This entire sequence might be entirely clear on film, but is somewhat confusing on paper.
p. 23 – “How’d he get past the turrets?” – Is there no kind of warning system to alert these guys that intruders have broken through their defenses?
p. 26 – I’m confused again. Why does Deadeye fire on the Dancing Queen? Is he mad because he was left behind or is there some other reason? Why didn’t Hank try to save him? I’m thinking these guys just have a natural enmity towards one another, but it would help to understand this better.
p. 28 – It’s kind of weird to hear the artificial intelligence stutter. Maybe do this in a parenthetical instead… “(fading)” or “(faltering)”.
p. 31 – Kelly easily saves Hank and the ship in the less than a page. This is a let down after Hank has opened the Pandora’s box of Kelly’s coffin and you have missed a good dramatic opportunity to add tension and draw out the scene.
p. 34 – Hank’s sex pot remark is not that startling or funny. I can’t see Kelly loosing it and spitting chocolate milk, no matter how human her personality.
p. 37 – Deadeye is still alive. I still don’t understand what happened back at Eagle Station. Also, why does Sheng give Hank two hours before he chases him down? Why not just give the order and put the attack into motion? I believe you get more tension that way, rather than putting it off to the very near future.
p. 44 – Hank is attacked by fighters, presumably sent by Sheng. I’m a little troubled by the cause and effect here. Hank decides to unpack Kelly and then makes a second decision not to put her back in the coffin. At that point he is clearly violating Sheng’s instructions and an attack is warranted. But how does Sheng know this? I think a more dramatic sequence is 1) Hank decides not to repack Kelly; 2) Sheng finds out and orders an attack; 3) the Dancing Queen is attacked.
p. 50 – Confused again. Didn’t Sheng order the attack of the fighter ships? So why are they talking like there’s still room for negotiation, giving Hank 12 hours to return the cargo?
p. 63 – It’s not clear why Hank does not turn Kelly over. Is it because he still hopes to claim payment for delivering the cargo to Sheng? Or has he grown attached to her? I’m thinking it’s the latter, but you have not sufficiently established that that this is the case. Right now, it just looks like he’s putting himself to great trouble and risk for no apparent motive.
p 67 – Hank and Kelly escape too easily from the Swordfish. It’s highly improbable that they could just fire up the Dancing Queen and fly out of the bay without more trouble. Try making the escape from the Swordfish a lot harder to heighten suspense, then reveal that Charles wanted him to get away.
p. 69 – This is great drama here. Perhaps the dialogue could be better, but the emotional conflict in this scene is excellent. Hank has fallen for a robot. On the one hand, he feels like he can speak to her anyway he wants. On the other hand, he can’t let her go. I feel this aspect of the story needs to be developed, so I would take more time earlier in the script showing how these feelings emerge in Hank. The scene is very well done, but I wonder what Rachel is thinking about all this. Would she make a jealous comment after Hank and Kelly kiss, so that Hank has to temporarily shut her down? Just a thought.
p. 71 – It’s not clear why the government wants all bots out of space. Did I miss something? I also don’t understand why Kelly would be one of the last bots in space. Wouldn’t of outlaws like Sheng resist the ban and try to keep lots of bots employed in space? Seems to me there would be a thriving underground of bots. What’s so special about Kelly? Maybe that she has a survival instinct. But I don’t understand how that makes her precious.
p. 74 – Hank isn’t really proposing to team up with Deadeye, is he? The turns in this relationship don’t make sense to me.
p. 75 – “In time, she’ll leave, like they all do.” Bots or women? He seems to be talking about bots, since the next thing he says is “She’ll outlive you.” But I don’t imagine many other bots leave their masters. Deadeye’s dialogue on this page is self-pitying and on the nose. It doesn’t seem consistent with his character thus far.
p. 76 – Hank says Deadeye has his word. That’s risky, because it means that he’s either not a man of his word or he is about to betray Kelly. Neither alternative makes him look good. If he really is going to turn her over, how did he get to that point after having sex with her? Was it solely the shock of seeing her connected to a cable? That’s not enough to precipitate such a strong emotional turn.
p. 77 – I think it’s a mistake to have Kelly and Rachel mind meld or whatever it is they do. This just feels tacky to me and unintentionally comic. Rachel’s last line of dialogue is terribly trite.
p. 78 – I assume that Charles is following Hank to Sheng. Hank is no doubt aware of this. But would Sheng be stupid enough to fall into that trap? I’m wondering how this will be resolved.
p. 87 – Some very on the nose dialogue about Kelly on this page. Also, if Kelly were composed of steel and circuits as Deadeye claims, it would be pretty creepy for Hank to develop an attachment to her. In a world where space travel is common, wouldn’t a robot or android be composed of more lifelike materials?
p. 91 – “You’re the only one who can alter the virus code. Omega is your baby.” – Hokey. I’d expect a president to sound more sophisticated than this.
p. 96 – Of course Deadeye can’t be trusted. It is impossible to sympathize with Hank in this situation, because he is plainly a fool for having trusted him again. The multiple turns in this relationship stretch credibility.
p. 98 – What shouldn’t Deadeye do and why does Hank even care at this point?
p. 101 – Great job on Sheng’s death. Very well done.
p. 105 – I don’t think the happy ending works for this story—at least not for me. It just feels wrong for the story to end with a kiss after we’ve just seen the circuitry in Kelly’s abdomen open and exposed. I can’t feel good about this union. It might be different if she were composed of something more organic than circuitry and steel. But this feels wrong. read
by whobbler on 09/27/2011CONCEPT: Interesting idea of a man falling for a robot. STORY: It had nice flow, although the protagonists challenge wasn't presented until pg. 15, I would've liked to see it earlier. While it was a nice chronological flow, I was very confused for two reasons. 1: Sci Fi is my least favorite genre and I had trouble visualizing your writing because of my lack of knowledge on... CONCEPT:
Interesting idea of a man falling for a robot.
It had nice flow, although the protagonists challenge wasn't presented until pg. 15, I would've liked to see it earlier. While it was a nice chronological flow, I was very confused for two reasons. 1: Sci Fi is my least favorite genre and I had trouble visualizing your writing because of my lack of knowledge on sci fi. 2: Not only did I count 16 NAMED CHARACTERS.. SIXTEEN! But space ships were referred to by name as well (which there is nothing wrong with) but it just made me more confused. I read once that readers tend to get confused after 8 names, so maybe help us out a little in that department :)
You don't let us know what time of day it is in the scene descriptions? Could be deliberate? Relatively few spelling errors. You are awesome at writing action lines, they are succinct. Props to keeping the script at only 105 pages! I haven't been reviewing screenplays for long but have already developed a pet peeve which you happened to nail: writing "Hank is sat" as opposed to "Hank sits" in your action lines. Is that a British thing? (I assume you speak British English as you spell colour with ou.)
It's the best dialogue out of my three reviews so far.
Honestly I'm a terrible reviewer for this screenplay because I really really don't like sci fi and I struggled to get through your screenplay. Having that said I thought it was the best written one I've read here so far, I just can't see the charm in all that space stuff.
I've noticed a lot of people upload first drafts and you've clearly put more work into yours making the story work, finishing in an applaudable 105 pages without cutting any of the suspense out. Cut some names and let's see some human-robot sex.
Good job and keep it up, I'd like to see a screenplay of yours from a less despised genre (on my part) :) read
by ProfRedSweater on 09/26/2011Omega Complex is a well-structured film that doesn’t push too far into the sci-fi realm to risk alienating a mass audience. It has a solid story and a nice arc at heart, but I found the lines of description and action to be underdeveloped and terse, which made for a clunky reading experience and robbed me of the enjoyment of getting into the flow. And the writing style is... Omega Complex is a well-structured film that doesn’t push too far into the sci-fi realm to risk alienating a mass audience. It has a solid story and a nice arc at heart, but I found the lines of description and action to be underdeveloped and terse, which made for a clunky reading experience and robbed me of the enjoyment of getting into the flow.
And the writing style is a weird thing, it’s so personal and preference varies from person to person. But for me, I wanted to see the world filled out a little bit better, when an action happens, or someone moves into a new room, it should be perfectly clear what happened and how the exchange worked. When using the character’s actions to reveal the emotional state of the character, use a clear physical action. There were many unfilmables in the script that won’t come across on screen and took me out of the story.
The basic concept of the future world is here, however it feels a little underdeveloped in a few aspects, and it really fills in a lot of the sci-fi gaps by assuming the audience has at least a basic knowledge of how this kind of future works. That’s not a terrible thing. We know that there are ships docking at space stations, that robots serve them, and the basic rules of space flight are there, and I don’t think that needs overexplaining. However, some more sparks of originality would really help to set this script apart a little better from other films in the genre. I’m not talking an entire new concept, but little bits of personality that we’ve never seen before in a sci-fi film.
What’s more, the political aspect of the script is a little under explained. It’s not a political script of course, but I need to know a little more about this world they live in and the thread that this society hangs by.
The dialogue was serviceable, but I never really felt like the characters had distinct voices. The characters were defined by their actions, and that’s good, but if some of them had a little more spark in the way they talked it would really help the story. Deadeye is a good example. He seems like a character that can be a lot of fun if he’s given a little more personality in his talk. Also making Kelly more sassy perhaps, or more prone to feeling big emotions (as she is kind of like a kid in a new world), would help to set her apart.
I thought Hank was set up well from the get go. He was poor, getting divorced, and ready to give up. Then along comes that golden opportunity. He also is damaged for love, and the presence of Kelly helps him to grow and show an arc as he learns to trust again.
Kelly is ok as well, she’s a breath of fresh air when she appears in the screenplay, although I’d like to see her be a little brighter still. I want those big moments of joy and fear as she experiences the world. More stuff like the chocolate milk scene would be great, though not so much that Hank seems like a pedophile. I will say one problem I had was when Kelly first appeared Hank seemed very frustrated and angry at her, and it took me a while to realize that he was this way because she wasn’t being a “proper robot”. The problem being, we never really saw how robots act in this future, or how Hank works with them. If when Hank was first on Panorama we had a solid interaction between Hank and a robot, then that would set up how this is supposed to work, so that later we can see the contrast between Hank and Kelly and understand his frustration. I’m also not completely on board with them “falling in love”, I don’t really see it. But those things are difficult, a lot of it comes down to chemistry, what is it that draws them to each other? I’m not really sure what that is now. Just that Kelly wants someone to help her, and Hank seems to find her physically attractive. Perhaps working on the dialogue would help to establish that better.
Deadeye was visually appealing, and I liked his untrusting way. It’s nice that he flounders on it in the middle, but eventually he is just a loner out for money, and that leads to his own destruction. He’s really a cautionary example for Hank. If Hank doesn’t learn to trust, he will become Deadeye. One problem is I never really understood why Deadeye didn’t want to work with Hank to begin with. It seemed like they could both make money and there was no benefit to Deadeye working on his own. If this was made clearer I’d be on board a lot earlier with the character.
Charles and Sheng are both a little underdeveloped. Especially Charles, whose revelation at the end (“Hank…”) felt forced and it seemed like the script was suggesting he had grown to realize some error in his way, but I don’t think ever earned that. I’d almost rather he’d continue to take credit for the CPU, never have any revelation, and still be a jerk, but let Hank get away to earth. Where Hank got what he really wanted in the end anyway.
The Sheng story about his arm is nice, but I’d like to know early on why he’s so feared, some news story should relay a story about something vicious he did, that way we really fear him when we see him.
The structure was solid and followed the basic formula on how it works. I did find myself wandering a little at the end, but I think that’s because the description was unclear and left me to decipher what was happening.
I’ve pretty much hit on the bulk of this, but the story is solid in that it’s a sci-fi future where a man rediscovers his ability to trust with the help of a robotic girl. And outside of the previously mentioned problems the pieces seem in place to tell that. I do like the reveal of Kelly being a virus, I wasn’t expecting that, and I usually do guess the endings. Although at the end I don’t really get how the final device saved Kelly, as I don’t really even know what it does. A little bit better of an explanation early on would fix this though.
Here are some notes I took while I was reading:
1: Usually the title page doesn’t count in the page numbers, so the page numbered 2 should actually be numbered 1.
3: The test subject/transporting to another body may be meant to tease, but right now it just confuses. It would be nice if there was a little more hint about what this means.
3: Is the remote turret part of the Panorama? Or on the moon. Not sure what I’m supposed to be picturing here.
5: Is “Closer!” subtitled? If so, perhaps indicate that.
7: Is Charles Hanson really 30 a CPU inventor, senator and with white hair? Seems like he would be older than 30 as described.
10: There’s been some very nice development of character with Hank so far. His interaction with his wife, Rachel, and the Technician as well as saving that ship from crashing. All of these help to fill in our picture of him quite well.
12: Bartender is usually one word, not hyphenated.
17: Not sure if this should be (CONT’D) for the Mainframe, the first message seemed more globally announced, and then the second one was just to him? Makes me think that the second announcement was made over the air to everyone… although I could be reading this wrong.
18: So is it the silver craft or the Viking warrior. I get that we don’t know the name of it to start with, but it would be easier to keep it called the same thing.
21: “contends contained” s/b contents
29: I’m having a little bit of the problem with the writing style, which to some degree is a matter of personal taste. The described action of the characters feels underdeveloped, and strangely also over described at the same time. Also the action doesn’t always seem to flow quite smoothly. But this may just be my taste, I still understand the story being told. Lines like “Hank’s hands and feet pull him backwards along the floor.” just feel clunky.
32: I think it should be “less firepower than ‘mine’ I assure you”
33: I really don’t know what is going on here, the description just doesn’t explain the events well enough. Her biting her finger, her covering her mouth, the crack, even “he walks down the corridor” none of it immediately conveys what this is referencing.
33: Bitch is a strong word here, and it feels wrong for the character and make him unsympathetic. Can this instead be some sort of slander that’s more towards her as a computer?
34: “Hank look to give her the silent treatment, but he can’t resist talking about his work”. It’s not a proper sentence, and it also doesn’t really work for a script. Try writing this in a more visual way, maybe he scowls at her, but then looks down at the green light and a proud smile appears across his face. Or something like those moments.
39: I don’t really get the relationship between Hank and Kelly right now. Mostly I don’t know why he’s so confused by her, probably because it was never established earlier how a robot should act.
40: Hank knows he has been pulled into the beginning of a debate. It’s an unfilmable.
42: Kelly needs to be hooked up, or we need to immediately know that Hank is looking through Kelly’s code, and how. Otherwise it won’t be clear on screen.
59/60: The jump between pages of deadeye showing up and then Hank’s reply seems like a jump and doesn’t flow. We’re missing a beat there.
61: This entire dinner conversation goes off track, it just doesn’t make sense. Needs a rewrite.
62: Why does Hank assault Tyler here? That seems unnecessary and out of the blue, he’s not the threat here. Deadeye and Charles are. (Ok on page 68 I get that Hank was upset with Tyler for flirting with Kelly, but it needs to be made clearer back then).
65: Wait, their red car has a turret too? I get that a police vehicle would, but this feels new, and odd that it wasn’t mentioned earlier.
69: “fuse loose” should probably be “loose fuse”
72: The Pistol line is crystal clear, make it clear that Hank is the one with the pistol.
79: Sheng splayed out on the poker table feels out of character, especially if he knows that the people are coming, and I don’t think he’d let himself be seen that way.
83: The description of them docking doesn’t quite flow or make sense during a firefight.
86: A nice twist here that Kelly was carrying a virus.
87: Hank’s disclosure to Deadeye gets overwordy here.
96: Uh, why does Sheng stand and walk over, aren’t they in some kind of gunfight at some point, I’m not sure why that dissolved.
98: The description and style here really feels clunky and robs the script from what could be a pretty tense and exciting finally. It just isn’t really clear what’s going on or why Hank blew up the Dancing Queen.
105: I’m not sure if the ending is fully satisfying… is Kelly part of the ship? (Her laughter comes from the ceilings and walls) or is she part of the body (with the “I’m already here”).
Overall the basic structure of the film is here. Though to make the story stand out more it needs an injection of originality and personality to the future world and the characters who inhabit it, this will hopefully help as well to make us really believe the love between Hank and Kelly which right now needs some work. What’s more, the script needs a detailed rewrite that focuses on each line of action and makes sure that the world is clearly explained and is an easy read. It’s a good basis for a story though, and with just a little work this script could really be a great read. read
by Mplwilliams on 09/19/2011Right off the bat, I have to say I really found myself enjoying this script. I could see the world the writer had created. My biggest concern with the script is that it seems a little similar to The Fifth Element. I also found that the scenes with Hank and Kelly falling for each other felt too contrived as written. I think this section needs a couple more passes and just... Right off the bat, I have to say I really found myself enjoying this script.
I could see the world the writer had created.
My biggest concern with the script is that it seems a little similar to The Fifth Element.
I also found that the scenes with Hank and Kelly falling for each other felt too contrived as written. I think this section needs a couple more passes and just aim bring it back to the human element without having to say everything. Maybe try and put these scenes not one after the other but spread them out through more of the film. Along with that, I found the scene when Hank confronts Kelly about her letting the guy tough her a bit heavy handed. Again, I think more could be achieved with less.
There were points throughout the script when I got a little confused with where everyone was. As it appeared that Hank was in two places at once.
One final note and this comes down to a purely taste thing. But naming the ship Dancing Queen was funny but I found it disorienting for the rest of the script.
That being said. Really enjoyable. read
by Craziezt194 on 09/18/2011Having read Omega Complex I have to admit you have a hell of a lot of talent, the story drew me in almost immediately, sci-fi is quite a hard genre to write for but you managed it perfectly, the awe-inspiring backdrops and settings, the whole thing screamed to me Mass Effect, it's how I built my image of the world, and this isn't actually a negative thing, it's a positive the... Having read Omega Complex I have to admit you have a hell of a lot of talent, the story drew me in almost immediately, sci-fi is quite a hard genre to write for but you managed it perfectly, the awe-inspiring backdrops and settings, the whole thing screamed to me Mass Effect, it's how I built my image of the world, and this isn't actually a negative thing, it's a positive the world you created was easily imaginable in the future, it was perfect, the story that was set amongst this backdrop was also pretty amazing,,, I loved every second of it and can't wait to read your next work, because this shows true love for the genre... good job, I'll definitely be reading your next screenplay and shall be waiting in anticipation read
by First Ten Pages on 09/17/2011Hello! Your story was put together pretty well. I'm sure in other reviews you've been taken to task for it not being the most original, but I was entertained. You had some format issues such as -- lack of VO -- "... Sheng is sat down at the table" etc... I'm sure you'll catch these on the rewrite. I have thoughts on a few things that stuck out at me -- Hank's ship being named... Hello!
Your story was put together pretty well. I'm sure in other reviews you've been taken to task for it not being the most original, but I was entertained. You had some format issues such as -- lack of VO -- "... Sheng is sat down at the table" etc... I'm sure you'll catch these on the rewrite. I have thoughts on a few things that stuck out at me --
Hank's ship being named the Dancing Queen. Every time I read Dancing Queen I thought of ABBA. I know... "c'mon, dude..." it just made me laugh when I read it. Name change? That's up to you.
Hank's description... "Pale, flaccid biceps..." I don't want anything to be flaccid on my hero. He or she doesn't have to be ripped. But flaccid? Get that word outta there! LOL.
Nationality. When a writer is specific about a characters nationality, I assume it's going to lead to an insight. Deadeye being Danish went nowhere. I thought why is a Dane working for Sheng? What's going on in the Denmark of the future? My curiosity was peaked, and I got nothing in return as a reader.
You hint at that Sheng was upset about his nation going to the dogs, but I wanted to hear more from him about being Chinese. If he was a super patriot and wanted war what were his plans after it started? For a guy who has ethnic pride you have no descriptions of other Asians surrounding him supporting his cause.
Hank and Kelly. Hank is going off happily ever after with a robot? Now, if you had set up a world where humans and robots have intimate relationships I would (not sex bot) have gone with the flow. This got a little creepy throughout the story. If I missed a point you were making about loneliness I apologize. You have Deadeye making a very good statement about Kelly... "... probably somebody who croaked a couple of centuries ago." What if Hank found out who that might have been? What if he fell in love with the original before he met the copy? Then the audience would get why Kelly is so special to Hank. Just a thought.
Again, I had fun with your script and look forward to reading your work in the future. Thanks for submitting Omega Complex.
by nick74 on 09/17/2011Love it. Well-written. Creative. Thought-provoking. This is good-ass science fiction (and that's coming from TS's self-proclaimed biggest sci-fi fan - raised on Star Wars, weaned on Star Trek - and yes, it is scuffle-worthy for those who contend for the title.) Scenarios and concepts like these offer up some of the freshest ideas on paper (or computer screen) like the one... Love it. Well-written. Creative. Thought-provoking. This is good-ass science fiction (and that's coming from TS's self-proclaimed biggest sci-fi fan - raised on Star Wars, weaned on Star Trek - and yes, it is scuffle-worthy for those who contend for the title.)
Scenarios and concepts like these offer up some of the freshest ideas on paper (or computer screen) like the one in which a sympathetic A.I. consoled the inconsolable robot in relation to terms of human endearment. And then to heighten this deeply sci-fi element, these two artificial entities share emotionality! I don't know if this is more brilliant or perverse, but I like it! However, scenarios like these, though completely interesting, are rarely complete, unless the nature of the union creates a stage for a very human moral dilemma. Omega Complex pulls it off! Not only does our algorithmic heroine wrestle with the choices she has to make - of which are based on sacrifice and honor - but our humanoid human must also tap into that thing which makes him human in the first place, in deed, that thing called a heart. Delicious story-telling that smacks of the greater versions of sci-fi, i.e. Firefly and Blade Runner combined, while still leaving its audience with a wide-eyed popcorn-in-the-mouth feeling of Disney-fried outer-space adventure. Whew! This one was a blast.
And what science fiction epic is complete without political agendas and geographic space situations creating ties between enemies and foes alike. Omega Complex gets my vote on every creative level. In fact, whatever review or crtitique worthy material I would have to offer up is based more on my technical opinion which has more to do with the craft of screenwriting than the talent involved with good story telling. So, in the attempt to give you more reading material, here goes my own few (and unnecessary) tid bits:
There are certain moments where dialog is being shared by multiple characters in multiple settings (INT. DANCING QUEEN - COCKPIT and INT. DANCING QUEEN - CORRIDOR and others) and, though I am a novice screenwriter at best, I find it easier to identify scene and timing when the change of setting includes a "CONTINUOUS" or "THAT SAME MOMENT" or something like that. I sometimes had to adjust my understanding of time in reference to the script without these minor identifiers. This also happened quite a bit when two characters were separated and communicating via radio or audio transmitter - but I was not made privy to that without the parenthetical ("over radio" or "over transmitter" or, as some people like to write, "V.O." and "O.S") These conversations became easier for me to follow a few lines in when it became more obvious that these two were communicating over distance.
I can tell you hail from the land beyond the sea as your word choices are unique to English-speaking Europe. "He was stood at..." and "She was sat at..." etc. Unless I'm wrong and you are actually from Washington State or somewhere.
Also, there were several high-concept 'concepts' going on that I simply had to re-read twice in order to fully grasp what was going on, and I think this has to do with a certain assumption that your "action elements" made toward your audience. For instance - the story opens with Rachel (speaking of Blade Runner) demonstrating her A.I. emotive state by blushing the cockpit different shades of pink. Wow! That's some seriously fresh stuff, but... I was totally lost until I was able to cross-reference these moments with moments later in the script. Maybe a few words describing that "... this is Rachel's A.I. emotive state expressing itself..." might help the reader go 'Oh, I get it!.'
There towards the end, I did have the slightest trouble following the logistics of the storyline. I didn't see Charles attempting to do anything before he felt his own failure, I wasn't entirely sure which factions were dog fighting in space, I wanted to understand 'Mainframe' a little better, etc. Once the final 5 or 7 pages came along, everything settled into place and the big climactic ending went by like buttah.
Like I said, great screen play, man. read
by Brickhouseent on 09/14/2011Omega Complex Review I am going to write down some points as I read the script, and make a proper review at the end. First, I'll start with the title. You came to Trigger Street to get honest feedback to improve your writing, so I'll try to be as constructive as possible, but I will also make an attempt to be as honest as possible. The title is annoying. All it says to me... Omega Complex Review
I am going to write down some points as I read the script, and make a proper review at the end.
First, I'll start with the title. You came to Trigger Street to get honest feedback to improve your writing, so I'll try to be as constructive as possible, but I will also make an attempt to be as honest as possible. The title is annoying. All it says to me is “Sci-fi masturbation”. It's unoriginal. Even though I'm sure it's never been used, I feel like I've seen it on every bad straight to DVD sci-fi movie in the rental store (Make note that I never once picked up one of those movies. Actually that's not true, I did once and it got turned off 15 minutes into the film). I'd serious consider changing the name, regardless of how it relates the film. Make it something more relatable.
I'm at page 15, which is generally where you should have a sense of the characters. You spent the first 10 minutes setting the tone, which is great. The tone's been set about as much as tone can be set. But what about the characters? We have a robot voice and an overly used, bad boy, sarcastic type character. Probably the most unoriginal character in a science fiction movie. Spend less time setting the tone at the start of the film, and more with your characters. We don't need 10 pages to set the tone. It's sci-fi masturbation for 10 pages. And because we don't care about the characters, we don't care about what's happening.
Some of your character introductions are poorly done. Your understanding of the craft is good though, so I don't understand some of the character introductions. Be sure to read all of your introductions carefully. Otherwise, the script is properly formatted.
The initial discussion between Sheng and Hank is so expositional and lacks character. Sheng barfs out exposition and Hank responds in the most predictable fashion.
An antagonistic character named Deadeye?
You're also giving camera directions.
Basically the script, to me, is just sci-fi masturbation, as I mentioned prior. I'm not a huge science fiction fan but I can tell you that good science fiction is more than just action, action, action, action and a bunch of made up words in between. From the name to the last page, it's boring because we don't care for any of the characters because they're poorly introduced. Spend more time in your opening act with the characters (and I would even suggest losing all the action there all together. Apocalypse Now doesn't have any action for 20 minutes and it's a war movie for god-sakes, but once we get there, we care about what's happening.). The plot is serious affected by the silly science fiction drivel around it, and you don't let it stand on it's own. The best action movies aren't balls to the walls action. Your script formatting is almost perfect, minus a few typos and introduction flubs. You have a very strong command of the craft. I think you should introduce your side plots earlier. Really study Syd Field's paradigm, and think about the pinches and the plot points. How can you make your pinches and plot points more effective? I think that's your main task, character building aside. I think you can do better with your main character in making him more interesting. The character was a boring sci-fi re-use. I'm sorry, but he may as well have been Han Solo and this may as well have been a Star Wars spin-off. There's nothing here that makes your story stand out, and that's what you need. And the answer isn't action that hasn't been done before. It's character. Even your bad guys should be interesting characters. Every single character should be interesting. Have you seen Inglorious Basterds? The characters in that are magnificently interesting. I think a script like this would be good if you adapted a style of character and character interaction like that. Breakdown your script into a 10 page breakdown and then do the same with a film you like. Look at the difference. I bet you'll see a lot more action and a lot less character scenes in your own.
I hope you can take this as criticism and not just attacks. I tried to be as constructive as possible. There's a lot to consider here and a lot I hope you do consider. Maybe not what you wanted to hear bu it's what you're here to hear. Thanks for reading. read
Members Who Like This Submission Also Like...
The bright lights of Broadway are a lure for many young girls from America's heartland. But what happens when the... more
A guy wakes up in an underground chamber. He's been in this situation before. Some guys behind some one-way glass... more
A boy killer from the feared Assassins Guild is on his first job. He has to kill a corrupt businessman but between... more
Copyright © 2001-2014 Trigger Street Labs. All Rights Reserved.