Reviews of Out Side In 8

• 
  Out Comes the Spotlight
  A review of Out Side In
  by jmdsbussrv on 08/27/2010
  This story has some strong overtones of “Crash”, but in a more docile environment. The technical formatting was rather good, better than many scripts I’ve read. As a result, it gave me the opportunity to focus in on things that may be considered nit-picky, but are vital to giving you the best chance to make it through the series of professional screeners. As with any analysis... This story has some strong overtones of “Crash”, but in a more docile environment. The technical formatting was rather good, better than many scripts I’ve read. As a result, it gave me the opportunity to focus in on things that may be considered nit-picky, but are vital to giving you the best chance to make it through the series of professional screeners.
  
  As with any analysis you receive, there will ALWAYS be suggestions people can make, even with the best written material. Some may be valid, some may not, and others are just a point of view. So, please take these things in that light.
  
  
  MINOR NOTES:
  
  On page 5, a three year old still in a high chair? Yikes! Maybe try a booster seat.
  
  I would avoid the reference to Jehovah’s Witness on page 11 since there is nothing significant you are saying to that religion and you don’t want to offend a reader simply because of a little quip.
  
  Just some typos that I caught:
  Page 19
  “bite of meant” should be “meat”
  Page 40
  “Thank you Dr. Eddy” should be “Thank you, Dr. Eddy” (coma)
  Again on 41
  “Hi Dr. Eddy” should be “Hi, Dr. Eddy”
  Page 53 and 92
  Wryly should be lower case except for names.
  “(He starts rapping)” should be “(he starts rapping)”
  Page 59 and elsewhere
  “… play alone in the Living Room” no need to cap “living room” in the action block
  
  On page 52, I didn’t get why Deacon had to lift his arms UP in order for John to tie the tie.
  
  Just a small thought. On page 65 when Deacon is sounding out the long word, instead of:
  “DEACON
  (sounding it out)
  ‘Philandering’.”
  Try:
  “DEACON
  Phi … lan … der … ing.”
  (You want to avoid wrylies when you can.)
  
  On page 103, Amanda says, “You have the wrong person.” It insinuates that she thinks he is being taken for doing something wrong, but that is not the tone of her earlier dialogue, so it kind of felt out of place for me. I would let it build until her next questioning dialogue where you reaffirm that line again anyway.
  
  
  FORMATTING NOTES:
  
  I know some people don’t do typos or formatting issues in reviews, but as far as I’m concerned, I’d rather have someone tell me before I send it out to a professional reader or company. You may skip this section if you like.
  
  Your overall formatting is quite good. You do, however; have a number of “commentary” remarks throughout the script as well as character feelings and thoughts. You should only state what can be seen and heard.
  A few non visual, non audio examples that I caught:
  Page 25
  “Deacon does not think anything of it.”
  Page 36
  “She meant it more as a threat than praise.”
  Page 61
  “Chase mentally sets himself to vigilantly defend his culture.”
  Page 63
  “Chase feels the John’s eyes burn through him.”
  
  You took the liberty of capitalizing several terms in the action blocks. You should only cap the character’s first appearance (as you did) and optionally sounds or titles or notes, etc. ALARM CLOCK and some of the other things you capped should not be. If you are trying to draw attention to them, use the INSERT element to do so. Formatting for this can be found online or you can send me a message and I’d be happy to give you the formatting options.
  
  Along those same lines, do NOT emphasize dialogue with caps or exclamation points. “Actors know their jobs.” Leave the emphasis to them. If you absolutely must emphasize to clarify any confusion on the tone of the piece, you may use an exclamation point or underline text, but use these VERY sparingly.
  
  Anxious Mother on page 2: Her name should be capped in the description as her first appearance.
  
  Janie and Receptionist are the same? You have a “Receptionist” speaking lines in the first scene.
  
  Generally speaking, you want to avoid using specific names, titles, music, brands. It can make your script harder to sell.
  
  The terms “beat” and “pause” are not really recommended for a FILM screenplay, and your elaborate usage of them is rather distracting. There are other ways to phrase what you want to say.
  Action wrylies are usually good for dialogue, “(nods)”, “(smiles)”, “(sighs)”, etc. You can also use ellipses if you want.
  In action elements, you should describe something more interesting than “beat”. “The room was filled with silence for a moment.” “The men hesitate, glaring at one another.”
  When you use beat, it is technically correct, but it can be insulting to professionals (“Actors know their jobs”), and can tag you as someone who doesn’t understand the industry. There is NOTHING that “beat” can offer you that other more creative writing can also offer, and even more.
  
  Page 13, always spell out numbers in dialogue. “I’m 21” should be “I’m twenty-one”.
  Page 49 also.
  
  My own thought on ellipses use is to add a space after the lettering and before the ellipses:
  Example:
  “Abso... lutely” should be
  “Abso … lutely”.
  “He trails off…” should be
  “He trails off ...”
  
  The character tag “(CONT’D)” when a character speaks twice in a row is acceptable, but if you can turn it “off” in your software, then that’s even better. It just cleans up the appearance of your script and is really unnecessary.
  
  On page 53 don’t use BOTH for the character name(s) unless you have a character named “Both”. There are several ways to deal with characters speaking at the same time. You can:
  1) Place the character and dialogue blocks side by side
  2) Mention both characters in the character name spot, or
  3) Place both characters one after the other as normal and use the wryly “(overlapping)” on the second one.
  My own preference is the third one since, to me, it’s easier to process the characters from a production standpoint.
  If you want more specific formatting instructions, please let me know and I will send them.
  
  
  STRUCTURE NOTES:
  
  Your story gets set up very cleverly and very quickly. It moves along from that point fairly well into when Deacon comes to live with them.
  
  From there, the story seems to go a little slowly for my taste, but seems like it could work. The only thing I noticed is that there was quite a bit of “dialogue clutter” during this time, much of which seemed not as clean as it could be.
  
  As an example, on pages 27-29, you have three pages of back and forth dialogue that basically communicates the following:
  Deacon’s into boxing.
  John doesn’t like swearing.
  Stay out of trouble.
  John offers Deacon a ride.
  Yes, you do have more said than this, but much of what you say here is said elsewhere also. Three minutes (pages) of casual, non-interrupted conversation is quite a bit. I would look at where you could clean this up to make the script move at a pace that will seem crisper and cleaner.
  
  The drama comes to a head when John has his “accident” and goes back home from N.Y. eventually bringing his entire world crashing down on him. This part of the story layout was well played.
  
  
  STORY NOTES:
  
  I think you have a cool story for something like Lifetime. That being said, I think you may want to target that market (television). The big screen, you can almost do anything, but television needs to have little content and minimal amounts of swearing. I think you can easily do this. For instance, in Deacon’s first dialogue with John when he swears and then John corrects him. That’s fine. But when he swears again the second time (with a rather profuse term), it adds really nothing to your story that you haven’t already said, and brings a few blocks of dialogue “clutter” that is unnecessary. You’ve already made your point.
  
  You’ve also chosen a very “hot” topic for your plot. It is very emotional for a number of individuals on both sides which is why it is avoided by many in the industry. Your theme can be considered a universal theme, but there are very few who will be willing to produce the film for television because of the smaller market who will be willing to acquire it. You may want to reconsider the plot to get the thing produced. You can easily change John into a serial killer or something not so volatile to the majority of the social fabric. Of course this is up to you. I am just saying it is going to be harder to sell with the content as is, in my opinion.
  
  Other than that, the story is fairly nicely told and laid out. Good job there. I would guess that one of your more developed scripts would be quite good.
  
  
  THINGS I REALLY LIKED ABOUT THIS SCRIPT:
  
  I liked the concept of the man going about his daily business and yet living a life elsewhere that only he knows.
  
  I liked how you painted the character of John as detached and distant from reality at times. I think it played well.
  
  I liked how Deacon was not the stereotype of a gang member, but really wanted to get out of his old lifestyle.
  
  
  OVERALL:
  
  I think this is a nice idea and reasonably well formatted and well written. I think you might want to reconsider the subject matter if you are looking to get this produced.
  
  
  Thanks for taking the time to read my thoughts and opinions. read
• 
  Good story idea but poor stucture
  A review of Out Side In
  by Tommarcella1 on 08/27/2010
  First I would like to tell you that you are a good writer and you have a good idea but your story needs work with structure and you have too description in some places. Now I am going to be harsh but you don't come to triggerstreet for warm and fuzzys, you come to get better. The only way you can get your story better is with harsh criticism. When I enter my story it was shot... First I would like to tell you that you are a good writer and you have a good idea but your story needs work with structure and you have too description in some places. Now I am going to be harsh but you don't come to triggerstreet for warm and fuzzys, you come to get better. The only way you can get your story better is with harsh criticism. When I enter my story it was shot down by each reviewer, but once I read it again, I realize that the reviews were true and now I am rewriting it. Hopefully it would be improved.
  
  First if you already don't have them you need to get the books "The Screenwriters Bible" and "Story" read those cover to cover before you write anything else. They provide helpful advise as how to structure a story, and make it more readable and more entertaining.
  
  I think the idea was good, a doctor who has a double life, and does not want any one to know. However, it just does not come off well.
  
  The first scene you give too much description. You describe what John is wearing, him getting coffee, him walking the dog. None of that is necessary. There are other times you explain things that does not matter. Janie wearing an engagement ring. And why she calls her fiance "Fiance Donnie" that does not make sense.
  
  And you say that Amanda and John have routine, emotionless sex to say that is unnecessary. You kind of know that because it is sex day Friday. You show it is emotionless thru actions, maybe Amanda looks at the clock or she watches TV while they are having sex. You have to show not say.
  
  The original restaurant scene on page 11 you have to shorten.
  
  On page 74 the phone call scene it is structured wrong. You don't need so many beats, and just one name header since it is only one conversation.
  
  There is some good however, the murder scene with John and Russ is excellent but it happens too late should happen earlier. The scene between John and Deacon when he kisses him is also good.
  
  This is a movie about an ordinary man with a secret. I know that it was probably hard to write because ordinary people are boring. But you can make more interesting. I would maybe add some narration, or have him having more sex with men. Maybe he can even be a serial killer. But your screenplay drags in the middle and hard to get through. Read the screenplay and watch the movie "American Beauty" this is a movie about a dysfunctional family that is very entertaining. You can do the same with this one.
  
  I think you just need help with your structure, and find a central theme. Your idea can become something worth selling.
  
  Sorry to be so harsh but I think you have the potential to make something good. I would just advise you to look at all of your reviews re-read your screenplay, read the before mentioned books and hit it again running. read
• 
  Out Side In - screenplay review
  A review of Out Side In
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 08/24/2010
  This is a story about not being truthful to who you are. John lives a double life. He is a seemingly successful pediatrician, in a loveless marriage, with a chattering wife, a toddler and a yippy dog. But he also has secrets. He is gay, or perhaps bi-sexual – tending off to New York in the guise of a producer in search of youthful, vulnerable male actors who would do anything... This is a story about not being truthful to who you are. John lives a double life. He is a seemingly successful pediatrician, in a loveless marriage, with a chattering wife, a toddler and a yippy dog. But he also has secrets. He is gay, or perhaps bi-sexual – tending off to New York in the guise of a producer in search of youthful, vulnerable male actors who would do anything to be cast in a show. John is distant and detached as a doctor, but on his New York weekend escapades, his is manipulative, cruel and ultimately, deadly.
  
  What works: This is a great read. The protagonist has a complete journey (tragic) and your use of metaphor is deceptively simple, but very strong. Your writing leaps off the page allowing the text to become a visual experience – I could see almost everything as it was happening. The characters are consistent – each with a dominant trait. The story invited me into the action and didn’t let go of me until the end. Congrats.
  
  What doesn’t work: There were two passages that left me a bit confused. The first is the “sock hop” reference that Deacon uses in his long monologue – since you make it clear that Deacon doesn’t know anything about this time period, how does he suddenly know about “sock hops”? Also, the dialogue on page 102 about Deacon between the police and Amanda about Deacon is a little confusing, too – because we know that John used Deacon’s name when picking up his last actor (Russ) – there seems to be some kind of reference to that event, but how would the police know that? John intros himself to Russ as Deacon on the street – there’s no inference that Russ has told anyone else the name – anyway, perhaps I misread the text – but these are small issues. You also have a typo on page 20 – (‘meant’ should be ‘meat’?) Again, this script is a great read. Many thanks! read
• 
  Great script with nowhere to go.
  A review of Out Side In
  by rjsilva on 08/09/2010
  Good story, a fast read, great characters and low budget. “Out Side In” is everything a studio looks for except… it’s not marketable. I tried to think where this would fit and truth is it doesn’t fit anywhere. Your best bet is probably Logo but because there is no happy ending or portray homosexuality in a good light, they might pass. This well written story deserves to be... Good story, a fast read, great characters and low budget. “Out Side In” is everything a studio looks for except… it’s not marketable. I tried to think where this would fit and truth is it doesn’t fit anywhere. Your best bet is probably Logo but because there is no happy ending or portray homosexuality in a good light, they might pass. This well written story deserves to be made but it won’t if you leave it as is. Try the “One in Ten Screenplay Contest” and see what happens. Good Luck!
  
  
  PAGES 1-10
  Solid opening, John has many different sides, good characters, good story, I actually want to see where this goes.
  
  Page 4 Dialogue seems a bit stiff and formulated, almost robotic. It should flow a little more naturally. Find a friend to read it with you.
  
  Unless the music must be specific songs, in order to make a specific point, you should be more general about what is played.
  EX: a slow song or an upbeat song from his Beach Boys CD.
  
  Same thing with wardrobe, unless costumes must be a specific color, try to be more general.
  EX: dressed in brightly colored Thai garb,
  
  Try to stay away from slang or tech terminology that may have double meanings and be specific. You don’t want anyone feeling foolish if they don’t know exactly what something means.
  EX: John takes out his Blackberry and scans the passing wait staff.
  Do you mean that he glances over, briefly looks at them or quickly records them (scans) on his phone?
  
  Pages 11-20
  Went by quickly, it’s an easy read so far.
  On page 19 “bite of meant” pretty sure you meant meat.
  
  Pages 21-30
  Looks good, sounds good, let’s see where it goes.
  Page 27 asshole is one word, you’ve only got one, unless you’re a married woman.
  Page 28 dickhead is also just one word or hyphenated unless it’s a name, then capitalize it.
  
  Pages 31-40
  A third of the way through and still interested.
  Page 37 after the hug and kiss there’s a little expository dialogue used to fill an awkward spot before the next scene. It might be better just to leave it as an awkward silence and maybe a soft “you’re welcome” from Amanda.
  
  Page 39 Amanda dialogue “STEP brother. Pay attention,
  Chase. I need you to Also, let me know if he does anything...
  suspicious.” Reading this was like hitting a speed bump on the freeway, consider revising.
  
  Pages 41-50
  Interesting reactions.
  
  Pages 51-60
  Still moving along, building nicely, interesting to see Chase and Deacon have the same argument about Jacob’s welfare just stems from different perspectives.
  
  Pages 61-70
  Page 66 Amanda suggests John and Deacon riding over after work at the beginning, at the end of the page John is stating it also. Just doesn’t seem to fit right, consider revising.
  
  PAGES 71-80
  Page 73 consider dropping “He's calling you a little girl, pretty much.” from Deacon’s dialogue.
  
  Pages 81-90
  A weekend suitcase isn’t big enough to hold an average male body that is all in one piece and being noticed by the doorman when coming and going are both small unbelievable details that ruin a believable movie. Please consider revising.
  
  Pages 91-103
  Simple ending, I didn’t see it coming, expectations were high for a big finish but your way is much better, nicely done. read
• 
  Out Side In - PASS
  A review of Out Side In
  by Wisdom Davi on 08/08/2010
  I believe a professional reader would PASS on this script. This story main character is a bisexual pediatrician who lives and has his practices in suburbia. On the weekends he travels to the city and lures unsuspecting young men to his hotel room. On one of these weekend trips he strangles and kills one of these unsuspecting victims; this as close as to an inciting incident... I believe a professional reader would PASS on this script.
  This story main character is a bisexual pediatrician who lives and has his practices in suburbia. On the weekends he travels to the city and lures unsuspecting young men to his hotel room. On one of these weekend trips he strangles and kills one of these unsuspecting victims; this as close as to an inciting incident as there is in the story and it takes place on page 88.
  The character has not goal, no antagonist, no arc. The only character in this story who goes through any kind of transition is the Doctors wife, she thinks she is married to a nice man. At the end she is not sure who he is. read
• 
  Snappy
  A review of Out Side In
  by tarboy on 08/06/2010
  Congratulations. Take my opinion with a grain of salt. Things do not BEGIN they happen A CLOCK ALARM BEEPS No need for Eventually He makes an awkward move. Write action. You can’t go BACK in a script John picks up the paper from the driveway on his way to the house. It’s the little things that make a good story. Cap character when introduced. An ANXIOUS MOTHER approaches... Congratulations. Take my opinion with a grain of salt.
  
  Things do not BEGIN they happen
  A CLOCK ALARM BEEPS
  
  No need for Eventually
  He makes an awkward move.
  Write action.
  
  You can’t go BACK in a script
  John picks up the paper from the driveway on his way to the house.
  
  It’s the little things that make a good story.
  
  Cap character when introduced.
  An ANXIOUS MOTHER approaches.
  
  Relationships are learned in dialogue and action.
  John eats dinner with AMANDA,
  JACOB, three, sits in his high chair near John, in his own world.
  
  There was (a) meeting to discuss the Society’s budget for the fourth quarter,
  
  What If you can’t get rights to us these songs?
  I GET AROUND by the Beach Boys plays on the stereo.
  
  You like the words Begins, Still, Again,
  
  (still into the phone)
  you just need
  (sinto the phone)
  
  Prose aren’t for scripts
  as if he were a Jehovah's Witness on his front doorstep, interrupting his favorite TV show.
  recoiling from Reggie’s hand as if it were an alien tentacle.
  
  Reggie puts the plate down on (the) table.
  
  You write like this is a novel
  EXT. TRAIN STATION - LATER THAT WEEK
  EXT. TRAIN STATION – DAY
  
  Deacon’s duffle bag lays at his feet at the kitchen table as he listens to Amanda lay down the law. He flinches at her words, as if she is threatening him with a hose.
  Words? Where?
  You only need write the actions of the people in the room and then add dialogue
  Deacon’s duffle bag lays at his feet at the kitchen table. Amanda paces in front of him.
  AMANDA
  There's no drinking. You can NOT drink in this house. And you cannot be drunk in this house. Do you understand?. He flinches at her words, as if she is threatening him with a hose.
  
  INT. KITCHEN - THE NEXT MORNING
  INT. MASTER BATHROOM - THAT NIGHT
  Did you see anyone else doing this?
  
  I can’t wait to find out why John wanted Deacon there.
  
  JOHN
  Lil Wayne? Like Lil Abner?
  DEACON
  Who?
  LOL!!! You are working on me. In a good way.
  
  Deacon where is this going?
  
  John puts on a pair of gloves. He inspects Russ's throat area, his fingernails on each hand, and checks the side of his face where he slapped him.
  As detailed as John is, but does not check his pockets.. I am sure it will come back to him.
  
  John is cold. This is his first emotion
  Deacon turns and hugs John. I love you. John hugs him back.
  
  Where are the police?
  
  This makes no sense
  AMANDA
  Lie down?! What if he comes back? He's going to be trying to break in and you'll be taking a nap upstairs.
  It’s not like Deacon couldn’t have come there after John left for work.
  
  Amanda grows increasingly hysterical.
  This is so interesting because the Man (John) she trust is worst than the Deacon. Reminds me of Obama and the Republican.
  
  No need for OPEN twice
  Amanda cautiously opens the front door open to find two policemen standing outside.
  
  This is not needed, “Amanda yells for him again.”
  Just write the ACTION!
  
  Please don’t feel disappointed about my comments, as they are only my point of view, and are in no way meant to undermine your work or your writing ability. However, I feel that if my review is really going to be of any use to you, then I need to call it as I see it.
  
  If I am wrong about my comments let me know.
  
  Thank you and good luck!!! read
• 
  Inside Out
  A review of Out Side In
  by bloodmeridian2004 on 08/04/2010
  I liked the ending for this one, but it took a really long time to take off. That being said, this script does a good to excellent job of developing characters. The tension between John and Deacon rises organically, through a well-worked integration of dialogue and action, until the relationship breaks in a believable explosion. Nice job of setting this up, particularly... I liked the ending for this one, but it took a really long time to take off.
  
  That being said, this script does a good to excellent job of developing characters.
  
  The tension between John and Deacon rises organically, through a well-worked integration of dialogue and action, until the relationship breaks in a believable explosion.
  
  Nice job of setting this up, particularly the bit in which Deacon punches his father defending John.
  
  My main concern, other than the need for a new hook, is the use copyright-protected songs which, if used, would make production costs expensive. I think the use of them is great for in-house reading of sorts, but the most realistic reason not to use them in specs is that they could be an automatic disqualification for screenwriting contests which demand that all content be owned by the submitter.
  
  A COUPLE NOTES
  
  TITLE PAGE name of writer missing
  
  pp69-72 nice scene
  
  FINAL THOUGHTS
  
  This one flowed smoothly enough to earn “good” all the way for me, although I had my doubts in the beginning. Ultimately, the hardest part of writing is making a fantastic third act, and you have that here, so kudos.
  
  I still think it needs another time through the word processor to replace the copyright-protected songs and I think a new hook, perhaps showing John as being a heroic doctor, could get this ready to show.
  
  Keep punching keys,
  Paul read
• 
  Needs a more linear story.
  A review of Out Side In
  by FLFStephen on 08/03/2010
  I am attempting to formulate the three act structure in the story but I am having difficulty locating the plot points, which turns the story into the third act, and maintains a cohesive linear story. Setup – A Doctor who, in an act of deception, lures young men to sexual illicit acts by pretending to be a casting agent. This happens on page 13 through 15. PPI – Deacon moves... I am attempting to formulate the three act structure in the story but I am having difficulty locating the plot points, which turns the story into the third act, and maintains a cohesive linear story.
  
  Setup – A Doctor who, in an act of deception, lures young men to sexual illicit acts by pretending to be a casting agent. This happens on page 13 through 15.
  
  PPI – Deacon moves in. This plot point does not really follow the story that you set in motion. The idea of a plot point is an action or decision that spins the concept in the setup into another direction, giving us momentum. There is no decisive PPI that relates to our setup.
  
  PPII – John lures Russ into his hotel room and has sex with the young man. Russ discovers John is lying and is murdered by John.
  
  If you intend to use the treachery of John’s actions as the catalyst for the story I would recommend moving the first act of deception as your first plot point at or around page 25, move the situation of Deacon living with them in the opening.
  
  I don’t feel as if Deacon is part of the main plot line. I would suggest building more drama and suspense and somehow build Deacons character closer to the actual events of the main story line. Look at it this way, if you take Deacon completely out of the story the main concept is still there; John is still going into town and luring young men under false pretenses to have sex. So why is Deacon in the story?
  
  I think you have some heavy content for the visual effects of film; obviously the content of your story is more for paid programs or for theatrical release. I don’t feel your story is larger than life for the big screen and some work still needs to be made to flesh out your story lines. For the entire second act, it is more a character piece of a misplaced, unguided young man in the home of a wealthy Doctor. If feels as if we have two stories.
  
  The content of your story will be very controversial for some on TS, so I am not trying to tear your sp apart. You have a gripping dramatic story told from a certain POV that can be very dramatic and suspenseful. I was always under the impression that feature length films should always deal in the extremes and you definitely have that.
  
  Work on the scene structure for a cohesive three acts with concise plot points.
  
  Work on the involvement of Deacon in the story, perhaps as a boxer put him in some of the locals where John is targeting his next victim. Build the conflict with him in the actual story.
  
  John has no antagonist or protagonist, depending on how you establish this; he has no one in the story that is his advisory to build the conflict and the momentum of the story.
  
  Hope this helps. read