Reviews of Outrage 111

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  Anal skin tags and monkeys
  A review of Outrage
  by capper on 07/12/2012
  Hiya Firstly, this review will be shorter than my usual fair for two reasons, your script is well written and I had little issue with it, but more importantly, I accidentally deleted my page notes!!! I’ll try my best to rewrite what I had. Let’s get into the good bits. Congrats on writing such an off the wall comedy. This is as zany as they come, with some very unique aspects... Hiya
  
  Firstly, this review will be shorter than my usual fair for two reasons, your script is well written and I had little issue with it, but more importantly, I accidentally deleted my page notes!!! I’ll try my best to rewrite what I had.
  
  Let’s get into the good bits. Congrats on writing such an off the wall comedy. This is as zany as they come, with some very unique aspects and scenes, my favourite being the slope/skin tag one because of Dex’s line about his skin tag. It was so random and unexpected; it made me laugh out loud.
  
  Your characters were distinct and entertaining. Dialog was natural and witty. Story was a joy ride of shenanigans. I can see why this was a SOM nom.
  Your writing, though I had issue with a few things (I’ll explain below), was great. Very small number of typos or grammatical errors, I could count them on my fingers, so well done there.
  
  Now the things I felt need work. Your writing is full of fat. Your page count could be dramatically reduced if you trimmed the extraneous stuff. There are many examples throughout your entire script, but I will list a few:
  
  PG 11: “Lights out. All are asleep...or should be. Noises from the adjacent room, MOANS OF PLEASURE from TWO MEN, fill the otherwise silent room.
  
  Lying in a pull-out bed is Dex, staring at the ceiling in
  sleepless terror.”
  
  Could just be “Lights out. MOANS OF PLEASURE from TWO MEN, fill the room. Dex, on a pull-out bed, stares at the ceiling in sleepless terror.
  
  
  PG 66: “Dex sits in a chair facing the Big Goon. He's not doing a great job of convincing him to go out. In fact, he's not doing anything. He's just sitting there, staring.”
  
  Could be “Dex sits in a chair, stares at the Big Goon.”
  
  PG 33: “KITTY HAWKINS, tall, thin and dressed in the most stylish pimp fashion, enters the kitchen. If Dex dressed like this guy, he'd really have a problem convincing people he's straight.”
  
  Could be “KITTY HAWKINS, tall, thin and dressed in the most stylish pimp fashion, enters the kitchen.”
  
  A lot of your descriptions would either tell us what you were about to show, or told the obvious. Through your writing is nice, these extraneous bits extended the read unnecessarily.
  
  You also went beyond the recommended “4 line” limit for descriptions, sometimes reaching 6 lines. Your description and action lines should always be at a maximum of 4 lines, averaging to 3. Your extraneous descriptions are the culprit. Always aim for one line less. Always look at what you write and ask yourself “Is this really important for the audience to know?”
  
  In terms of the story, The only issue I had was Arnie’s magical “putting it all together in 10 seconds” on PG 89. By just seeing the drugs in the locker, he instantly knows Vinnie was skimming, etc, etc. They came to the conclusion too easily. You just handed it to them, and after all the good work you did, I felt cheated. You should feel cheated. I am sure you could come up with a more organic way of revealing this.
  
  Overall, I enjoyed it. I would watch this if it came on the big screen.
  
  Good luck, dude! read
• 
  Loved It. What's Your Theme?
  A review of Outrage
  by sabin on 01/10/2006
  I think you have a terrific script. It made me laugh all over the place. The characters are well developed and the premise is fresh. I really liked it. But you probably know all this from reviews and awards and are maybe even tired of working on it. I just couldn't get around the main thing in your script, which was the theme. Traditionally the main character lets us in to... I think you have a terrific script. It made me laugh all over the place. The characters are well developed and the premise is fresh. I really liked it. But you probably know all this from reviews and awards and are maybe even tired of working on it.
  
  I just couldn't get around the main thing in your script, which was the theme. Traditionally the main character lets us in to his superobjective in the beginning. Other than his sexual orientation "front" and his ultimate need for escape from this, I can't decipher what that is. And that need is just a vehicle to get to the main story; a lie that spins wildly out of control.
  
  I want to see your stand on what you're trying to say. I know it's a comedy, but even movies like Airplane have something in them; Everything is ridiculous and nothing is sacred. I can laugh at a boy dying of cancer, which I would never do in real life, but the movie sets it up so that it's funny, ridiculous, but ultimately something that sparks a conflict in me as the audience. Caddyshack questions class, Romy and Michelle questions revenge and success, Annie Hall questions existence and love. The thing I searched for in your script (desperately) was the theme you were exploring. Maybe I'm not savvy enough, but I tried. There's not anything I can argue with in your script. Nothing that sparks a question in my mind.
  
  From the beginning I understand Dex's problem; its origin, its evolution, its ultimate bearing on his life. But I want to know what this says about humanity in general. Maybe the rise of metrosexuality in society, maybe something deeper like stereotypes and perception, maybe something deeper still like tolerance, love, corruption or freedom.
  
  I think you can add this without major rewriting. Every scene in your script hinges on your hero's superobjective, and its done really well. But for resonance, we need something deeper. You can tell me to shut up... it is just a comedy, but how does it relate to our lives.
  
  The reason I'm going on and on about this is because it's really important in your story. Not very many people experience what Dex has. But I think the message could be really profound, and you clearly have the artistry to do that.
  
  I think Arnie and Dex are perfectly set up to make pro and con arguments in your script. Instead of following the same action, what if they took different approaches to dealing with their situations? Does one accept while the other fights? Does one not care what he looks like while the other fusses over every last detail? What if Arnie was desperately trying to appear straight? What insight would that bring to Dex's situation?
  
  Thanks for reading my prattle. Your awards speak for themselves; you are a gifted writer! E-mail me with any complaints, clarifications, confusions or comments!
  presspermanent@yahoo.com read
• 
  Outrageous read!
  A review of Outrage
  by rwrtr on 04/17/2005
  First, I must say I had a grand time reading this script. It is a unique, funny, loony concept with monkeys, mobsters, a gay skating rink (oh what an image I have of that one!) and a whole lot of other off-the-wall things. This target audience is Animal house types -- college kids, high schoolers, possibly Ben Stiller (hey - would he make a good Dex? Hope you don't hate Stiller.)... First, I must say I had a grand time reading this script. It is a unique, funny, loony concept with monkeys, mobsters, a gay skating rink (oh what an image I have of that one!) and a whole lot of other off-the-wall things. This target audience is Animal house types -- college kids, high schoolers, possibly Ben Stiller (hey - would he make a good Dex? Hope you don't hate Stiller.)
  
  In general, the characters do have their own voice. In most instances, if I closed my eyes, I could tell the difference between Arnie and Dex and Kitty. Burt definitely has his own voice. There were only a few times when I thought the dialogue didn't belong in the character's mouth. Such as on page 32 -- Burt's only line on the page is a reaction to Jasmine's comment, Burt's comment didn't strike me as a Burt line. I would think he'd be more monosyllabic. But overall, the dialogue is snappy and helps turn the pages.
  
  Both the characters and the turn of events surprised me. I didn't realize where the story was going or what would happen until I read it. Good thing. There's not much about this script that feels everyday blah.
  
  As far as structure, I don't see many scenes in the wrong place, and I haven't wanted to quit reading it yet. I've read it three times, and so far, I keep getting lost in the hysterics of it. However, during the entire script, I did get the feeling that sometimes you should leave your scenes a couple of dialogues before you actually do. The one scene I can point to is on page 106 when Dex picks up Burt at the precinct and sees him in Helena's shirt. I think it a better and funnier scene to have Dex's comment about thinking the shirt was sexy be the last comment, and leave the scene off the obvious facial expressions from both Burt and Dex.
  
  Overall I think this is a well written and funny script. And now for some general observations and comments (some of which you may feel falls into the nit-picky category, and some of which you may have already changed):
  
  --Don't know how the title "Outrage" fits the story, unless I missed it somewhere?
  
  --Like the montage of intro to Dex and his lifetime role of playing a homosexual, specially the elevator scene.
  
  ---Error on page 3: Candace's second line: "There" should be "They're"
  
  --Arnie sounds the same in high school as he does older.
  
  --Missed noting time period when seeing college Dex. Even though you tell us in his V.O. that it's college, before we get to that point, and after the slug line, we should see the decade. You did it for the other time periods - don't you think you should follow your own style?
  
  --When we first see Momo, you should intro him the same way you would any other character - in the narrative and in all caps.
  
  --What's wrong with Dex that he can't get or keep a job?
  
  --Curious why, on page 11 when Dex is at Arnie's that Dex would be terrified that two men are having sex in the next room. I'm wondering if there's another emotion he might be feeling - embarrassment, horror, disgust? I just don't see terrified.
  
  --On page 12 - Why does Burt refer to Arnie as Dex's friend (top of the page)? Burt's known Arnie since he was a kid. Is Burt showing his disapproval or avoidance by not naming Arnie?
  
  --Same page 12 - in what city are Dex and Arnie walking?
  
  --What does Arnie look like?
  
  --Dex's V.O. on page 16 and 21 - Funny, but it does take us away from the story. We have major suspension of disbelief with this story, and we don't need to be pulled away by the insider stuff.
  
  --The montages of bad luck - I thought there were too many. We get the picture. Also, I think the lightning strike might have been a bit too much (even for this story).
  
  --On page 21 - liked the way you harkened back to the flashback of Dex being caught stealing to the current predicament of being caught buying the pirated DVD. You do that a lot in the script – tell us about something and then follow it up. Like the back pack. Good stuff.
  
  --Page 26 - Kitty's third dialogue - "finest" doesn't need to be capitalized.
  
  --Page 33 - The description of Kitty - good enough on it's own. Don't think you need to add the Dex line. Doesn't really add to anything.
  
  --On page 43 - When Dex is meeting with Vinnie for the first time and Vinnie goes off on him re the slope - was Dex supposed to be staring at it, or looking at it surreptitiously? Or is Vinnie just being terribly self conscious? By the way - funny the way Dex distracts Vinnie in this conversation.
  
  --On page 44 - You say Hank is blown backwards. How believable is it that later when we see he's alive and that the assassin merely missed Hank's foot?
  
  --And, since it's not really Hank's arm in the box, why call it that? Why not just call it "a" hand and let us assume it't Hank's? Then, when we read later that it's not Hank's, we won't feel as though you lied to us.
  
  --On page 58 there's an odd transition from Arnie telling Dex about the missing arm to the operating room. No suggestions, just thought it an abrupt transition.
  
  --On page 60 - I think the dialogue might be misnamed. Arnie knows why Vinnie bashed himself. It would be Dex who would ask that question. Also don't think Dex needs to say the WWhat'll we do" line - don't think it does anything to the conversation.
  
  --Page 63 - Arnie's first dialogue, second line, last word should be "your".
  
  --Page 64 - Arnie stands - but don't see where he was sitting or lying down or anything else. Actually, I pictured him standing over Vinnie the entire time. I had an image of surgery, and that's what I envisioned in this scene.
  
  --Page 66 - second to last narrative, first sentence, last word should be "open".
  
  --Page 68 - Dex's first dialogue, last line, missing the word "talk".
  
  --On page 69 - you note "continuous" on the roller sphinc slug, but this isn't a continuous scene since none of the previous characters are in this.
  
  --Also on page 69 is more of Dex's V.O. Got a kick out of it, but is it really needed?
  
  --Page 71 - Dex's comment about Arnie watching a movie about proper anesthetic doses is a device to get Arnie to make his obvious comment. I have no suggestions for you, but this one line took me out of the script.
  
  --On page 73 - Know there's a lot of MB discussion about this, so here's my thought: You've established morning in the first slug line, and we know we're with Dex, so I don't believe you need to repeat "morning" every time you move Dex to another room. It kinda breaks up the pace. Same thing for "continuous" on the next page. To me, this is obvious, and again, it breaks up the pace. These are just two examples, but it did happen during the rest of the script.
  
  --Page 74 - as Dex dashes from the bathroom, instead of with towel in hand, perhaps he should be wrapping the towel around himself as he leaves the room?
  
  --Page 75 - Dex is struggling with Bouncer, scrambling for the gun and he doesn't lose the towel wrapped around his waist? What if he lost the towel during the struggle and that's part of what distracts Bouncer, cause maybe Bouncer's gay and he's distracted by Dex's nakedness? Just a thought. You could have fun with that scene.
  
  --If you leave the scene above as is, though, I suggest mentioning at the end of that scene as he goes to the window, that Dex is still in a towel. Think it's too late to mention the towel on page 76.
  
  --Page 82 - don't understand Dex's comment "I got nothing."
  
  --Page 86 - Arnie's last dialogue on the page, second line, the word should be "they're".
  
  --Page 91 - Georges second dialogue, fourth line, missing "a".
  
  --Page 99 - Suited Man 1's dialogue - it's either "We're waiting on a friend." Or "We're waiting on friends."
  
  Lastly, I apologize to you for taking over two months to get back to you on this one. I must admit that I read it immediately, and after that first read through, all I knew was that I enjoyed it, but enjoyment wasn't enough for a review. As to why it took so long for me to read it through a few more times and finally sit down to write the review - well, there are no excuses. I will tell you, though, that I enjoyed the reading each time and I thank you for that. I look forward to reading more of your work. And I look forward to seeing your work. Keep on writing! read
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  Congratulations
  A review of Outrage
  by jaredkelly on 03/28/2005
  Considering I'm not a fan of voice over or chatty style, I thoroughly enjoyed this romp. It had a few laugh out loud moments, which I am not generous with and not one dip in momentum. It was a pleasure to watch this film and I sincerely hope it receives the praise due.
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  Hilarious
  A review of Outrage
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 03/20/2005
  I can't believe how amazing this screenplay is. For the first time on this site, I have absolutely no complaints about a screenplay. Sheer brilliance is all I can say. The characters and dialog just jumped off the page, the descriptions of the scenes made me feel as if I were actually there, and I couldn't stop laughing at Momo and the Ape Crusader's wacky antics. If I had... I can't believe how amazing this screenplay is. For the first time on this site, I have absolutely no complaints about a screenplay. Sheer brilliance is all I can say. The characters and dialog just jumped off the page, the descriptions of the scenes made me feel as if I were actually there, and I couldn't stop laughing at Momo and the Ape Crusader's wacky antics. If I had to list everything that was good about this script, I would be here for a week, so I'm just going to say good luck, and if I don't see this on the big screen in the near future, I will be shocked. read
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  Cute
  A review of Outrage
  by fuqvision on 03/04/2005
  To me, the sp was cute at best. I liked the scene where Dex encounters the undercover agent and interrogator and the prison cell scene. Those made me smile, but a comedy needs to make you laugh. The trend out there now are goofy comedies with a lot of physical humor. I think your use of the voice over is played out as well as the 'gay' issue. The script needs another proof... To me, the sp was cute at best. I liked the scene where Dex encounters the undercover agent and interrogator and the prison cell scene. Those made me smile, but a comedy needs to make you laugh. The trend out there now are goofy comedies with a lot of physical humor. I think your use of the voice over is played out as well as the 'gay' issue. The script needs another proof read (ie. pg 4--use they're instead of there, pg. 9--Dex's BOSS instead of DEX'S BOSS, pg. 17,56--poor grammar, pg 42--quotations go inside the period, to name a few). When you use 'beat', you don't precede it with 'a'. There are also points where the script is hard to follow; the story isn't clearly flowed. You do have a witty imagination and it would be interesting to see your next work. Hope this helps. read
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  Fabulous
  A review of Outrage
  by Zmokidbear on 02/27/2005
  I enjoyed the read. Others should take note (And quit telling beginning writers otherwise) that reading a screenplay needs to be a chore. Just because it isn't dialogue doesn't mean it neads to be dry. Oh, and finish Dex's line in his first bit of dialogue on page 68 would you. Thanks for the fun.
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  outrgage by the assignment
  A review of Outrage
  by vincecaruso on 02/25/2005
  I guess I'm horribly out of step with all the people that made this a top ten on TS, as well as all the supposed accolades before. To me this was like eating a solid block of bad cheese. The dialogue was corny, the characters so unbelieveable and the pilot line so "c" movie, that when Dex say "thank god, it's over" I had nothing but agreement. If you're trying to create an... I guess I'm horribly out of step with all the people that made this a top ten on TS, as well as all the supposed accolades before. To me this was like eating a solid block of bad cheese. The dialogue was corny, the characters so unbelieveable and the pilot line so "c" movie, that when Dex say "thank god, it's over" I had nothing but agreement. If you're trying to create an anthem for "gay is okay", there's a lot more clever ways then trying to put everyone (including the mob and a former career naval officer) in drag. Let's not even talk about the monkey, that acts like a man disguised as a monkey, acting like elvis or his replacement Marcel Marceau. read
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  Chimp-iana Jones
  A review of Outrage
  by desisingh53 on 02/22/2005
  I found Outrage to be a fun and quick read. The characters, although not believeable are fun if you just let go and go along for the ride. The story and characters were well developed.And the problems Dex faced of dealing with his homophobic father, and flambouyant friend, while Dex tries to prove to his father and girlfriend he's not gay is fun to watch as he finds out who... I found Outrage to be a fun and quick read. The characters, although not believeable are fun if you just let go and go along for the ride. The story and characters were well developed.And the problems Dex faced of dealing with his homophobic father, and flambouyant friend, while Dex tries to prove to his father and girlfriend he's not gay is fun to watch as he finds out who he really is. There were some spelling mistakes here and there that need to corrected as this could cause a reader to pass on what is overall a good story. read
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  An Interestingly New Screenplay
  A review of Outrage
  by SuperFrostyMan on 02/21/2005
  Outrage is definetely very interesting and extremetly different. Ourtrage brings to the table an issue that seems to be very important and uses it to bring a comedic effect. The writer brings the issue to the table in a good screenplay. Another thing the writer does is he uses the gay issue in reallife situations. Everything that happens is very real and the dialogue compliments... Outrage is definetely very interesting and extremetly different. Ourtrage brings to the table an issue that seems to be very important and uses it to bring a comedic effect. The writer brings the issue to the table in a good screenplay. Another thing the writer does is he uses the gay issue in reallife situations. Everything that happens is very real and the dialogue compliments that. There are so many screenplays on TriggerStreet that have poor dialogue. The bottome line, Outrage is very original using a great idea to make a great screenplay. read