A brilliant but weak engineer learns to fight back when an opportunistic king abuses his inventions.
HOW IT RATES
Who Else Liked This?
In an alternate 1950's, the city of Orange Island is beset by a poisonous gas that drives people mad when they breathe it in, or even mutates them. The city's richest citizen, a gasmask profiteer, turns up dead, and five suspects each admit they killed him. Weird things ensue.
Other Submissions by nohaybanda
When a fearsome demon army kidnaps the princess, a stout-hearted but bumbling knight must rescue her... twice.
Members Who Like This Submission Also Like...
An aging ex army officer, on the run from a brutal regime, his pseudo sickly wife, a feisty lady cop and a rogues... more
Golf is a gentleman's sport and the truth will set you free... or will it? This is a light-hearted quick read that... more
A cop retires to a community being hunted by a monster.
Reviews of People Who Love People 31
by Snagbuddy2 on 10/20/2010I thoroughly enjoyed this script. It's extremely original, visual and has great dialogue. Although it is very original it didn't hurt that moments of it reminded me of some of my favorite films like Blade Runner and Total Recall with some horror-comedy and Monty-Python esque moments in the mix. It's a film I would love to make (I personally don't underestimate the power of... I thoroughly enjoyed this script. It's extremely original, visual and has great dialogue. Although it is very original it didn't hurt that moments of it reminded me of some of my favorite films like Blade Runner and Total Recall with some horror-comedy and Monty-Python esque moments in the mix. It's a film I would love to make (I personally don't underestimate the power of originality) but the Script Shark reviewer was very right in mentioning the challenges of getting it backed, the high budget it would need to get made, and the crossing of multiple genres.
If you plan to go for another pass, I would definitely trim up the VO and 'show not tell' as many more moments as you can. You are extremely creative and could probably do a pass just like a director or a skilled actor and literally cross out things that you can show another way. through a character look or an action or a juxtaposition of images. I love the wild ride of this script and could really visualize so much of what you wrote already but I do agree with some of the other reviews about it dragging at moments. I think that it was somewhere in the middle for me and I just needed something to be a little more invested in the murder mystery outcome or the Morgan relationship aspect.
Anyways, great job, I'm very excited to read another draft if you do one. Thank you for writing something so fresh. read
by moejoe_dreams on 08/06/2010Wow…. That’s all I can say. This script started out so solid and so crisp. You created this fantastical world of gasmasks and mystery. You had a great opening with some humor and intrigue, then… WHAM! You take us into a twisted tale of lies, murder, and confusion. My head is still swimming… plant monsters, humanoid rabbits, and talking dead people… and enough with the celery... Wow…. That’s all I can say. This script started out so solid and so crisp. You created this fantastical world of gasmasks and mystery. You had a great opening with some humor and intrigue, then… WHAM! You take us into a twisted tale of lies, murder, and confusion. My head is still swimming… plant monsters, humanoid rabbits, and talking dead people… and enough with the celery already!
My god, I don’t want to sound mean but either it was me or this script was a combination of a train going a millions miles per hour headed in no real direction and a train wreck. There was hardly no plot and the little you had you sucked it for every drop it had, if was repetitive line (Making a bloody Mary, Making a bloody Mary, Making a bloody Mary)after repetitive line, with large unclear clumps of action, and the dialogue was just wild, unclear and wild. Like I said this was a train wreck, but maybe you wanted it to be… maybe you wanted us to know what it was like to be high off that gas.
All and all this was a long, hard to read script. I honestly thought you were going to have something special here, but then the V.O dragged on and then the wild, wacky, and utterly absurdness came out swinging.
So my personal opinion is I didn’t like it and I didn’t understand it. I’m sorry and I do apologize if this comes off too strong, but I just want to be honest with you. Best of luck in the future. read
by Magnet360 on 08/05/2010Sci-fi Noir Notes. 1. EXT. ORANGE ISLAND STREET - NIGHT Why are you using a period instead of a dash in the sluglines? 1. Insert Title: ORANGE ISLAND, 1956. Put it on the same line; no? 1. Looks more like a novel than a screenplay. Make it light and breezy. 1. Make the descriptions active not passive. Army SOLDIERS wear gas masks. Take out “There is” etc. This is happening... Sci-fi Noir
1. EXT. ORANGE ISLAND STREET - NIGHT Why are you using a period instead of a dash in the sluglines?
1. Insert Title: ORANGE ISLAND, 1956. Put it on the same line; no?
1. Looks more like a novel than a screenplay. Make it light and breezy.
1. Make the descriptions active not passive. Army SOLDIERS wear gas masks. Take out “There is” etc. This is happening now.
1. Chunks of description. Try to keep them to two or three lines. Four at most.
2. Try to get rid of those “CUT TO:” Leave the camera direction to the director.
3. Formatting doesn’t look right. The (V.O.) should be in CAPS, no?
3. EXT. JULES APARTMENT - CONTINUOS Why do you have no time? How come OUTSIDE is next to EXT.? Doesn’t that mean outside? LOL.
4. Heavy exposition with the Voice over. The whole intro is telling not showing.
4. Have yourself a time at Orange Island. Did you leave out “good”?
6. The TV commercial can describe Roger, no? Why does the Jules Voice Over repeat the information?
6. Lots of camera direction with the “CUT TO:”
6. Are you jumping from the night club to a mansion? Where’s the rest of the slugline?
8. Spell out numbers in dialogue. 348 Magnolia Lane.
8. More voice over, now from Roger? Are you serious? The characters are giving long winded speeches.
10. Why can’t you show the items assumed to kill Roger. Why is everything Voice over? Maybe a detective or reporter can point out the items.
Finnegan’s Wake? LOL. Are you waving the Post Modernist flag? Is this a Thomas Pynchon story you are adapting? LOL.
Is this going to be a Robert Anton Wilson type story? You can’t sell this.
10. Detective Updike? LOL. Rabbit at rest?
21. 54600. You have to spell out numbers in dialogue.
24. Updike, Jackie and Jule all doing voice over, really?
40 You’re kidding me with this Jules speech, right? Is this a joke? This is more like “Dead men wear Plaid” then “Sunset Blvd”. LOL.
62. Baxter is long winded too. LOL.
76. I just noticed his name is Casabianca, not Casablanca. LOL.
89.Tyranny of Rabbitkind. Should it be two words?
90. You turned her into a piece of garbage. No, you did that! LOL.
91. This page is like the Obelisk in 2001: a space odyssey. It’s just a wall of words. I can hear the music: ALSO SPRACH ZARATHUSTRA.
91-95 More heavy voice over at the end, really?
96. Where people who love people. Nice sarcastic tie in to the commercial. Pretty cool ending.
What were the strongest aspects of the script?
Simple direct plot underneath the story. A basic detective story, in the vain of Film Noir. Interesting characters, the dialogue was good all around. The script was very tight and structured well. Formatting was good, author made some odd choices, but you can do what you want with a script and formatting as long as it works.
Interesting twist at the end. It put the story a bit over the edge, but it seems that is what you were going for.
What were the weakest aspects of the script?
Seemed to be a straightforward plot underneath. Without the kooky elements would the story be interesting? Is the science fiction covering up a bland cliche story? Why is it in 1950s? Some of the choices don’t seem to have any point to them?
Why don’t the people just leave the island and live somewhere that does not have the gas? Also, why go through an elaborate scheme to kill someone, when in this world people can easily be killed and made to look like an accident. There might be a couple of plot holes.
This is also very difficult to read. Large chunks of dialogue and description, make it look like a novel instead of a screenplay. I can pick up a William S Burroughs novel and read that. Why should your screenplay be made into a visual medium of film? It would also have a limited audience and be expensive to make.
Way too much voice over for my taste. The various narrators, Jules and Roger, became unreliable narrators at times which was interesting. Like Goodfellas or Kubrick films, those films seem to weave in the unreliable narrators to the premise and theme of the films.
This is just opinion but it reminds me of Wes Anderson films, they seem to be kooky for kooky’s sake with no meaning.
The genre would be Sci-fi/ Noir. Like Blade Runner but a little more Kitsch. Maybe like Total Recall set in the past. At some points it felt like you were making fun of Film Noir. Excessive voice over, flashbacks, snappy dialogue etc. Not sure if I’m along for the ride, I’m not “in” on the joke.
I can’t say it was a good read. I was bogged down a lot in chunky descriptions and long speeches by various characters. It was a tough read. It felt a lot longer than its ninety six pages. It was very dense, like a novel. I would suggest breaking up the chunks and make it more light and breezy, try to make it a fast read.
The FIRST FIFTEEN Pages
The first fifteen pages were captivating. The story introduced a new world and the rules of that world. The spine of the story is introduced right away at page ten, when Roger is found murdered. The story becomes a Film Noir detective story. I’m not sure what the premise is going to be, Jules seems to be hung up on Beatnik principles. Talking how the rich live decadent even in the dangerous environment. Seems like they have parties similar to the French Revolution; Red scarf parties. Decadent parties in a deathly environment.
The story is an alternate universe of the 1950s. Setting is clear, and the character types of presented well. Jules reminded me of Rorshach from the Watchmen; in the first ten pages.
I think the opening has way too much voice over. For example on page six: Jules watches a TV commercial about Roger and his company. The commercial could have explained this whole world, the need for gas masks, who supplies them, that its a family business with a history, etc. etc. The whole first ten pages could be summed up on a half page through the TV commercial. Why have voice over exposition do that? Shoot for brevity.
At the murder scene more telling and not showing. Why can’t a photographer take photos of the assumed murder weapons, or a detective explain the crime scene, or a hysterical party guest scream what happened, or a Journalist talk at a live TV crew on the scene. Etc. etc. Why can’t Jules just look at the murder weapons and describe what he sees? Why did you choose to have Jules do Voice over again with more heavy exposition. Why are telling instead of showing? Almost as if you are forcing the issue of voice over because you are copying this story word for word from a Graphic Novel or Novel.
The story also introduced about fifteen characters in the first ten pages. It’s tough to follow.
OTHER Comments / Opinion Stuff
It’s a tough thing to try and do Film Noir. When those films where made there was no such genre. All those movies are happy accidents, or movies falling apart as the protagonist spirals downward. So by planning to make a Film Noir, the spirit is lost.
I guess Minority Report or Blade Runner pulled it off. The Big Sleep being re-made as a post modern tale in the “The Big Lebowski” is done pretty well. I think you put yourself in a hole trying to make a Film Noir. It’s impossible and not something that can be planned. The movies mentioned moved away from the genre and became modern stories. Your script is knee deep in retro Film Noir. Then covered over with futuristic aspects and science fiction. It seems to miss the mark.
This has lots of strikes against it. It’s a 1950’s period piece, that’s also science fiction. Unconventional story telling. If you go the animation route, its not aimed at kids. And animation gets made internally, they don’t buy spec scripts anyway. I don’t think you can market this. You would have to make this yourself or find a hundred million dollars. You must already know this?
Dark City. Naked Lunch. Little shop of Horrors. Watchmen. Who framed Roger Rabbit. Brazil.
Just my opinion for what it’s worth. Good luck with your script. read
by bthielke on 08/04/2010ok, this was like Mr. Toad's wild ride. It's not a story you should try to comprehend, just hold on tight and try to stay with it till the ride comes to a complete stop. Your writing is very good and I love your dialogue. It's one of the most unique scripts I've ever read and that on it's own will set it apart from a concept standpoint and will likely get you some reads... ok, this was like Mr. Toad's wild ride. It's not a story you should try to comprehend, just hold on tight and try to stay with it till the ride comes to a complete stop.
Your writing is very good and I love your dialogue. It's one of the most unique scripts I've ever read and that on it's own will set it apart from a concept standpoint and will likely get you some reads. Given that, it'll clearly be too bizarre for many.
Characters- Jules is the main character and you had so many different layers to him, all wrapped up in a hip cool cat wrapper. I didn't understand it all the time but he was clearly interesting. to some small extent, baxter, updike and Jules all seemed to have the same "voice" and world view to me. Maybe you could do a little more to differentiate them.
Story-- Why don't people just leave the island, why didn't the government just evacuate everyone?This is the big conceit you have to make us want to believe, that people would actually want to live in this stuff. I don't think you pulled that off.
I totally did not understand the stuff with Baxter's extra arms and mouth in his belly. was he a mutant? I was very confused by that.
The story is wildly unconventional and your method of telling it equally so. I haven't decided if I like it or not yet, but I will score you points for originality.
I did think the setup went on a little long. Introducing the suspects and having them give their story. Maybe you could cut back on that a little.
Dialogue- really really good. captured the noir flavor perfectly.
Overall, a crazy wild story. Not sure if I would watch it in a theater, but it was an interesting read.
pg 1- A couple things here. The first page seems overwritten with longish paragraphs. Keep this adage in mind "one shot equals one paragraph"
try to write in a more active voice- John is sitting down at the table is longer than john sits at the table. Those extra words add up and create more lines of text, more pages, less white space.
pg 3- good imagination!
pg.4- I just can't imagine his two friends being so non-chalant about the other guy's wife turning into a mutant and getting killed.
pg 40- maybe have voice over of the rabbits pulling off their plot instead of this huge monologue? read
by David Williams on 08/03/2010PART OF MY PROBLEM WITH THIS SCRIPT MAY BE THAT I AM NOT A FAN OF THIS GENRE, which seems to be a script for a really strange 90's series MTV would show at 2:00 am weeknights and would have a cult following, but nobody else would get. The dialogue was fairly good, and I did appreciate some of the humor elements of the story. However, there didn't seem to be muc of a story...
PART OF MY PROBLEM WITH THIS SCRIPT MAY BE THAT I AM NOT A FAN OF THIS GENRE, which seems to be a script for a really strange 90's series MTV would show at 2:00 am weeknights and would have a cult following, but nobody else would get.
The dialogue was fairly good, and I did appreciate some of the humor elements of the story. However, there didn't seem to be muc of a story. I have the feeling that if someone makes a movie with mutants involved, there needs to be a good reason, that is it either needs to be totally funny in a clever, original wasy (which wasn't the case here) or it needs to make the reader involved in such a way that he can see beyond the cliche, which wasn't the case here.
I thought the beginning was fairly strong, and think it would ahve been interesting if the Japanese had somehow won WWII and that got involved in the mutant thing, but instead we get rabbits.
Noticed one typo on page 15. "And odd couple" should probably have been typed "An odd couple."
Maybe I'm missing something, but this whole thing fell flat for me.
by barrettm on 08/01/2010Ok - first off I was on the bandwagon when reading but quickly became confused. I am still not entirely sure what genre this screenplay would fit into - maybe fantasy? I like the whole fifties thing, but not all the later reality stuff. I really get confused on page 13 when, before that it was just a voice over of sorts with Jules at a nightclub and then all of a sudden... Ok - first off I was on the bandwagon when reading but quickly became confused. I am still not entirely sure what genre this screenplay would fit into - maybe fantasy?
I like the whole fifties thing, but not all the later reality stuff.
I really get confused on page 13 when, before that it was just a voice over of sorts with Jules at a nightclub and then all of a sudden he is at a mansion???
The screenplay went from Jules telling it to possibly third person.
I think on all of the things that are going on - there should be a better way of switching to different scenes - maybe flashback or something?
On page 24 - Jules walks back out of the room and asks for another stalk of celery?
He does that after every scene from the interrogations. This totally confused me - is it supposed to be like a rewind or groundhog day?
Page 40 and 41 where Jules talks on and on - needs to be condensed.
Well - Overall I still did not completely get the end.
These are just my views, but it seemed really confusing and did not seem to mesh later on in the screenplay.
The dialogue was a bit off too.
The concept was great - I just think it needs to be carried differently. read
by ameyers on 07/30/2010I only have a few criticisms. I think the "f" word is used way to much. If this takes place in the 50's than I don't think that word will be thrown around as casually. I also don't think Jackie would be such a graphic porn director. He seems very 1985. I could be wrong. I do not know a lot about 1950's porn. I also don't understand if people die or what? People get... I only have a few criticisms. I think the "f" word is used way to much. If this takes place in the 50's than I don't think that word will be thrown around as casually. I also don't think Jackie would be such a graphic porn director. He seems very 1985. I could be wrong. I do not know a lot about 1950's porn. I also don't understand if people die or what? People get tore up by monsters and than they are alive? They get shot and have their heads split open and they are alive?
Regardless, this screenplay was so refreshing. The rabbit scenario was hilarious! What a fantastic twist at the end with Updike! Too funny!
Jules has very witty beatnik like dialogue as well which was wonderful!
The monsters transformations seem orignal as well.
Souplining is very original. I love that Baxter would rather kill his father than be saved just to soupline. What a sicko!
Great stuff. Make this movie! read
by Lexey on 07/29/2010I’m glad that I was assigned this script before its nomination for SOM, which I imagine will come soon. This is a well-written, unique story, so very imaginative. There really isn’t anything that I can offer you, in way of suggestions, so you will find this review short and sweet. I have to give you something for your credit, but all I have are some real nit-picky page notes:... I’m glad that I was assigned this script before its nomination for SOM, which I imagine will come soon. This is a well-written, unique story, so very imaginative. There really isn’t anything that I can offer you, in way of suggestions, so you will find this review short and sweet.
I have to give you something for your credit, but all I have are some real nit-picky page notes:
Pgs. 1 – 10 – Great opening. Sucked me into the story.
Page 10 – in the last scene on the page we are outside (EXT.) of the mansion. But then it sounds as if they enter the mansion when the dapper man seals Roger’s door shut and offers to take their masks. So, are we now inside (INT.)?
Page 10 – In Jules’ first voice over you use the words “so far” twice.
“…The case so far is proving to be quite elusive. Here are the facts so far…”
Maybe you should remove them from the first sentence.
Pg. 11 – I could be wrong, but I think it would be better if you included each suspect’s occupation in their first SUPER, right after their name and age. I say this because, as written, the placement of the occupation blends into the next character’s introduction.
Pg. 15 – Munches on a carrot. I love when a writer offers something unexpected.
Pg. 24 – I could have done without the visual of octopus man. I think the dialogue was descriptive enough.
Pg. 38 – Your action line reads: Before Roger can finish his sentence… Roger wasn’t speaking, Jules was. Perhaps you should include a dialogue line for Roger before Jules brings down the crowbar.
Pg. 39 – I think you should set the last scene, (ROGER’S FOYER), up better. It sounds as if Wally and Jules are the only two in the scene until you turn to the next page and then you realize that Jackie is there, too. Then Jackie says, “You all hear this nutty fuck?” which makes me think that maybe even Baxter and a few dapper men are still also in the foyer with them, but as written I’m not exactly sure who is present.
Pg. 41 – “And when there’s only one left, the king of all the assholes…” -- I like that line.
Pg. 42 – “The sapphire of the afternoon.” I am so impressed with your dialogue!
Pg. 46 – Baxter stands over him, smiling. There is a small, skinny arm protruding form the side of his head, holding a smoking gun. The arm slithers all around his head.
I had a little trouble with this visual. I had to stop and reread, not sure who had the arm protruding from the head with the gun -- Baxter or Cosmo? Then the next paragraph explains the picture better. Maybe you could make it a bit clearer by replacing ‘his’ with the name – There is a small, skinny arm protruding from Baxter’s head.
Pg. 46 – You’re missing an EXT. slug line when Cosmo is thrown outside and transforms into a beast.
Pg. 47 – Baxter sits across Archie, pretending to look at his written poetry… the way this is written doesn’t it sound like it is Baxter pretending to look at the poetry, when it is actually Archie?
Pg. 47 – Your action line says Baxter recites a long poem, but then you turn the page and it is Morgan with the dialogue block. And if she is singing, you should include(singing).
Pg. 61 – Baxter and Jackie sit at a table, as well as Jules and Roger, not looking at each other… It kind of sounds like they are all at the same table, perhaps you can make it clearer.
Pg. 96 – FADE OUT should be placed in far right corner.
Well, I told you that my notes were nit-picky, but it’s all I had. The script is solid as is. Good luck with it!
by jayelveejr on 07/27/2010What an imaginative ride. This is one of those scripts that is hard to critique because it is so out there that it's tough to know if it will work or not. It really resembles a type of script from a director who is going to film his own movie rather than a spec because it's just so wild and crazy, hard to know if it works. To quote Robert Towne on when asked the precise time... What an imaginative ride. This is one of those scripts that is hard to critique because it is so out there that it's tough to know if it will work or not. It really resembles a type of script from a director who is going to film his own movie rather than a spec because it's just so wild and crazy, hard to know if it works. To quote Robert Towne on when asked the precise time he knew a script of his worked: "When I see it on the screen." The same could be applied here. I love bizarre cinema, when it's done right and am a huge, huge fan of David Lynch. This script is very Lynchian in many aspects, in fact, it's like a cross between Lynch, Luis Bunuel and even David Cronenberg in his Naked Lunch days. Dare I say William Burroughs may have hallucinated this in one of his drug states.
It's kind of a flipped upside down version of Who Framed Roger Rabbitt mixed in with Dark City and maybe the Hellboy films. Certainly your descriptions were very good and this would be one of those scripts that will probably have great production design, photography and editing ... which is a testament on how good your story is. For those who like this sort of weird Utopian universe, then you will get kudos and big raves but ... for those who don't like weird or strange cinema then I think you'll have a tougher time. This would certainly be a very high budget film to make so I even wonder if it could work as an animated film, certainly parts of it felt like a graphic novel or even a comic book. I have to admit I didn't like Watchmen very much, thought the look of the film was great but it left me hollow. In some ways, this gave me the same kind of vibe as that film except that I liked this more but it certainly lives in almost the same kind of graphic novel universe as Watchmen.
You also have many movie references that would make anyone chuckle who gets them, from Cahiers du Cinema to Alain Resnais's Night and Fog to Jean Cocteau to Carl Dreyer's Passion of Joan of Arc. Not to mention the interrogation scenes which resemble Kurosawa's Rashomon. Also liked your character names ... I mean, come on, Detective J.R. Updike? John Updike? Rabbit Run, Rabbit Redux, etc. Just hilarious stuff.
Now, this script for all its great stuff, and there is a lot to like here, also left me a bit hollow at the end. But then I thought, it's more about the journey than the destination. I mean, you could have so many different types of endings here because the story is so nuts, that maybe it wouldn't matter. It did make me think of Roger Rabbit at times and not just when the rabbits showed up (borrowed from David Lynch's shorts perhaps? Or even the same ones in Inland Empire?). You have a Roger, his wife resembles the voluptous Jessica Rabbit and so on, movie references, authors and wink wink nudge nudge hidden layers here. I hate to write this, but it's probably too clever for its own good at times ... but only at times.
There is so much here that one could argue that this screenplay is both a masterpiece or a jumbled mess with a bunch of crazy ideas. I fall sort of in between. It's short of a masterpiece but cannot be dismissed for your outrageous ideas here. I did think it got bogged down just a bit during the middle segments and then picked up towards the end.I do think this script is best in the first thirty or so pages than the latter part but only my opinion. Not that I don't admire it as a whole but things got a bit confusing in the last act. I get the images and references and repetitions I think but it's such a wild ride, it left me a bit exhausted and wondered if there might be an easier way to write it - maybe in the descriptions? Not sure.
One thing that came to my mind, and I'm guilty of this as well, is that I've read and heard from pro readers and some producers on how screenwriters who are trying to break in, shouldn't write their hidden gem until they tackle more commercial feats. In other words, they say don't kill your vision but try to write a script that is more mainstream, more commercial (yuck, did I just write that?) and then once you've made it or sold a script or two then pull out the one you love from out of the desk, your 2001 so to speak. And, I think this is that script. I would think you'd have a better shot at getting this made after you sell a couple and then you can take this one out and declare, "have I got a script for you!". Only reason I say this is because this is so non-commercial and so different, that it would have a tough shot I think. I mean it's worthy of showing off your talents that's for sure but it's a bit much for the masses , me thinks.
So on the concept, high marks, and hard to critique because it's weird, and not weird for the sake of weird but just freaking crazy weird. My only flags are that you tend to overwrite a bit in some of your action lines and they are a bit blocky at times, makes a script more difficult to read. Also, while I admired most of your dialogue and thought you did a pretty darn good job on the narration, it's got quite a bit of dialogue, very long at times and as I read, I kept thinking that this would flow even better if it wasn't so wordy. In fact, it's visually and dialogue heavy and I'm not implying that as a criticism but more an observation and I think it could be reduced in both. Great visuals, yes, but less is more, same with dialogue. As I stated, once we get to the middle section and we get each character's perspective on what happened, their "Rashomon" moments, I felt this bogged down just a bit but that's a minor quibble. I would, however, give it a spell check and another look, some formatting things like you have (V.O.) all caps at times but then (v.o.) in small at times and not sure if you missed it or your screenwriting software went buggy on you..or maybe the rabbits did it? I also wasn't completely crazy about the monster stuff with tentacles and how Morgan was this giant crazy plant like Venus flytrap....the plant from Little Shop, have to admit, I kept hearing voices in my head during those scenes..."Feed me, Seymour!". I get that you were being creative but those dangling tentacle type of things get on my nerves after a while. But that's just me.
In any case, sorry I haven't given you more precise notes or ideas but how can I? You left me drained of a brain after I finished, not that I had one when I started. A job well done, I hope you have success with this, you deserve it but ... man, it's a tough one. At least it does show your writing talent so on that end, it worked great. Although I did have some problems at times with this, don't want you to think that I didn't admire the heck out of it, I did. This gets a good from me, with no reservations.
Best of luck.
Now I'm off for some cooking:
Dredge rabbit pieces with 1/2 cup flour. Melt butter in a Dutch oven over medium heat; brown rabbit pieces on all sides. Add celery, onion, salt, pepper, bay leaf, 4 cups water, and wine; bring to the boil. Reduce heat to a simmer, cover, and simmer rabbit stew for 2 hours. Add carrots, potatoes, and mushrooms; cook for about 25 to 30 minutes longer, or until vegetables are tender. Combine 1/4 cup flour and 1/3 cup water; stir until well blended and smooth. Stir flour mixture into the broth; cook and stir until thickened.
Rabbit stew recipe serves 4.
Sorry, I wanted to be the first reviewer on TS to actually have a recipe on a review. Thanks for letting me fulfill a dream. Wink, wink, nudge nudge. Unless someone has already beaten me to the kitchen and placed theirs first. Darn! Hope not.
by MSeyf on 07/24/2010People who love people – CONCEPT Wow. Yes. The set up is superb. Only critism I’d level at it is that while the world of the story is wonderfully realises there are many competing themes and sentiments. It’s not a problem, I loved the Watchman movie (and comic) for example, but competing themes tend to challenge and consequent turn off a lot of people. That’s something to... People who love people –
Wow. Yes. The set up is superb. Only critism I’d level at it is that while the world of the story is wonderfully realises there are many competing themes and sentiments. It’s not a problem, I loved the Watchman movie (and comic) for example, but competing themes tend to challenge and consequent turn off a lot of people. That’s something to be aware of if indeed engaging ‘lots of people’ is a concern or consideration of yours.
On the whole very good. Distinct voices by and large. Voice over stuff works very well. Jules is an appealing lead role i think. When it comes to voices and narration we actually don’t get too confused (apart from when that’s your intention), and this is down to the distinct and well realised characters that populate the script.
Bulletproof first ten. Budget concerns not withstanding. As it progresses things unravel in ways that tax and challenge the audience. You refuse to tie things in bows and resolve mysteries and questions in conventional ways. As a writer it’s inspiring stuff. But I’m conscious of the fact that you have a very particular kind of viewer/reader in mind and I might well be your huckleberry here, which again makes objective evaluation tricky for me I’m afraid.
Good voices. Love the mix of period detail and nuances with the outright bizarre. If anything could do with more of the alternate history stuff. I want to know what’s going on in the mainland too. What else is different about the world what remains the same?
You really know what you are doing, and pull off some audacious stuff very effectively. Of course you’re style is going to inspire alot of bad TS scripts from beginners without your skills and imagination to match yours but that’s not your problem. ;) You know what your doing enough to play free and easy with structure and get away with it. The way stories from different perspective and points of view bleed into one another really for me recalls James Ellroy (with tentacles) Or Burroughs. It really dig it, but at the same time I know many won’t.
Truely great stuff. Lots going on, wild images. I love the world you set up with this. We need that voice over and it guides us through your set ups very well.
Let’s get one thing out of the way off the bat... we are talking mega budget Spec with a limited mainstream audience appeal. I’m sure you know that already. That’s evident 10 pages in. Maybe you don’t care? From a production point of view I think that in order to move this project forward your best bet would be to hire an accomplished comic book artist with a style that complements your vision. Supply that artist with as much photo/comic/visual reference material as you can oversee the process collaboratively and produce a serviceable graphic novel that reflects your vision fairly. Get that published. I think without a demonstrable and significant existing audience such a project from a commercial stand point will be a next to impossiable sell as a wide spec. Motion comics are another option worth looking into, where you could self produce/publish a visual representation of your movie at a comparatively modest personal cost. A proof of concept which you can use to start the ball rolling on a live action feature? Alternatively here’s a curve ball for you ... videogame script. I know I’d love monkeying around in a 3D Orange Island with the murder mystery plot serving as the games core plotline/spine? And alot of the world building issues you have cost wise with a feature won't apply when it comes to games. Any kind of world has to be built bottom up anyway for a game right? Again no idea how you’d go about pitching this to the relevant people but it’s an idea none the less.
Of course none of that has anything to do with the actual content of your screenplay per se. Which I loved. A vivid unique brilliantly realised world. It’s like James Ellroy Fritz Lang H.G Wells and William S Burroughs all got together one evening shared countless drinks and smokes and whatever else and this Screenplay was the result. A hell of a party. :)
Alot of the time you are writing your own rules with this thing. So it’s kinda of hard to review and evaluate your movie in relation to other scripts on TS or perhaps on the market or to other produced movies. You try and lot of audacious things, and you get away with most of them, on it’s own terms this Screenplay works.
In order for it to become a more commercially viable prospect there are a number of concessions you’d need to make one way or another. I personally feel that making any concessions in terms of content would betray what’s a wonderfully lucid and well imagined work, and I’d prefer to see you seek an alternative mode of production (graphic novel/motion comics/games etc) as a means by which to get your vision in tack to a broader audience from which you can secure the fanbase it would take to justify a full live action production of this scale.
You have a number of competing themes. That’s great in one sense because it makes the work rich, but on the other hand it makes it difficult to get a grasp on. Most people like simple answers, yet this is a movie that invites re-read/watches and alternative interpretations. Your alternate world isn’t a ‘single issue world’, like for example ‘Nazi occupied alternate Europe’ in the Fatherland. Instead yours is a broad canvas on which multiple themes, ideas, images and concerns compete for our attention. That's both a positive and a negative.
If you did pump for a self consciously more ‘commercial’ rewrite that more directly focused on the Air conspiracy plot strand I’d suggest the alternative title AIR-FAIR. If you also make this the name of Knox’s company. It’ll also encompasses your concept in a way that’s more direct and marketing friendly. Logline being...
‘In an alternative 1950s orange island where clean air is at a premium, a lowly cartoonist becomes one of an assorted array of suspects potentially responsible for the murder of the shady tycoon who provides it.’
If indeed that’s a way you want to go. I’m guessing it’s not.
Either way very best of luck with this thing. It deserves to get to a wider audience one way or another.
Notes by page
P1-10 Damn near Bullet proof. You take lots of liberties. Voice over, bags of expo but it all works.
P11 Jackie Miller’s false confession is a little too grim. Maybe instead have it unfold visually until the point where he unbuttons his fly then have the Dapper copper interject and telling it’s BS?
P25 Wow it’s porno time. I think it’s actually funnier and more subtle if this stuff is hinted at. Like maybe a rom-com is described with squid head tentecled man as the romantic lead? Actually hardcore sex here especially graphically depicted I fear would turn alot of people off. Fine line, you don’t want creepy rather than funny all of a sudden.
P26-8 I love this rashamon type multiple motive structure again brilliant stuff.
P37 This po-faced cludeo stuff is hilarious.
P40-1 I want to SEE this Rabbit story play out visually. You do so much of that in other points it’s seems odd that you don’t here. Maybe an animated series of cave paintings?
P57 Hilarious Wally story. Love it.
P58 Not a fan of a lot of Jackie’s dialogue for my tastes it just kinda goes too far without being funny enough to get away with it.
P70-78 Some great trippy imagery. But I think there is a bit to much acrobatics going on. You can only pull the rug out from under us so many times And i think for the first time it all gets a bit overwhelming around this point. Which makes the important plot revelations hard to get a handle on too.
P85 Brilliant stuff! Damn Rabbits! What does Rabbitese sound like though? hehe.
P97 I both love and hate the whole self conscious omniscient narration thing. The whole breaking the forth wall thing is something I tend to have mixed feelings about. Maybe one rule break too far? I dunno, Feels too much like you (writer) talking to us (reader/audience).
Either way best of luck with this. read
Members Who Like This Submission Also Like...
An aging ex army officer, on the run from a brutal regime, his pseudo sickly wife, a feisty lady cop and a rogues... more
Golf is a gentleman's sport and the truth will set you free... or will it? This is a light-hearted quick read that... more
A cop retires to a community being hunted by a monster.
Copyright © 2001-2014 Trigger Street Labs. All Rights Reserved.