Reviews of Please Read Reviews 9

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  Contract Review
  A review of Please Read Reviews
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 12/20/2007
  I really think I read this story before, but for the life of me can’t remember. Anyway, if I repeat myself anywhere, I apologize. This is a very tight script from beginning to end and was a breeze to read. There aren’t any formatting issues to discuss and the story seemed to be all in a logical order. Sorry I can’t give more feedback on this, but I think you’ve done a nice... I really think I read this story before, but for the life of me can’t remember. Anyway, if I repeat myself anywhere, I apologize. This is a very tight script from beginning to end and was a breeze to read. There aren’t any formatting issues to discuss and the story seemed to be all in a logical order. Sorry I can’t give more feedback on this, but I think you’ve done a nice job putting this story together.
  
  CONCEPT: A hitman befriends a young girl on his quest to leave his old life behind. When she gets tangled up in his dirty work, he must take on one more hit in order to free them both. This seems like a pretty high concept, particularly since the author managed to work a decent ‘family’ backstory into the plot.
  
  STORY: The story seemed well structured and had a decent dramatic element that pushed me to keep reading. I really didn’t find any glaring plot holes that too me out of the story and I enjoyed this read from page 1. Pacing seemed spot on for the most part. This was a good read all in all.
  
  CHARACTER: I know you are trying to give a positive spin on Ray by having him drop money into the Salvation Army collection, but I think it would mean a lot more if he were to drop the cash he took out of Kyle’s wallet and dropped it all in there. That’s really my only comment, which is probably more of a story element than a character element. I did get a bead on Ray’s backstory, but it did take a while for it to get out. I think I may have preferred that we knew more about his family earlier on, rather than letting the details trickle out over the course of the story. I think it would help the audience get behind a hitman quicker.
  
  DIALOGUE: Dialogue seemed to be well written and exposition was avoided for the most part. Good job here.
  
  STRUCTURE:
  ACT I
  HOOK: You have a decent opening scene that I feel effectively accomplishes the goal of hooking the audience in. I liked the reversal of Ray playing the victim, then the perpetrator in the alley. It’s a small bit of action that keeps the reading quick. It also has plot implications, which is always a big plus. I think you’ve handled this well.
  
  CHANGE OF PLANS: Ray’s hit on Erasmus’ son has put him in a sticky predicament. I’m not sure of his motivation behind it, and I’d like to see a few hints behind it. You don’t have to give the whole thing away, but give us a taste of the story behind it early. Anyway, since Ray has been ID’d he needs to get out of town, but Hiram holds the money from him and asks that he do him a personal favor first. It sems that the meeting with Natalie is what the author wants the audience to focus on, but the goal for Ray is still the same. To eliminate Rodrigo and Hiram’s wife.
  
  ACT II
  POINT OF NO RETURN: You’ve got a decent development around the midpoint that raises the tension considerably when Natalie inadvertently gives up Ray’s cover to Erasmus. But the real commitment for Ray and Natalie has to be when he kills her mother. It’s an effective turn of events, but we still get the feeling that he is just going to turn her over to her step dad and since it’s a bit slow to develop, I don’t get a true sense that he is in this any more than he was before. Although it’s a bit slow in the midpoint, I do feel like you’ve done a good job with the pacing overall.
  
  MAJOR SETBACK: Again, I think we are moving into the third act a bit slow, but the reversal with Mickey was totally out of the blue and very effective. I just hope that these scenes distinguish themselves from the climax of the story.
  
  ACT III
  CLIMAX: Well, the climax was distinguished well and you put in a lot of tense scenes to close the film. The violent episode in the mansion was an effective exclamation point on a well crafted story.
  
  GOAL RESOLUTION: It looks like Ray was able to free himself of the chains that held him down in the beginning of the story. More importantly, he was able to develop a bond with Natalie that looks like it will help some internal struggle as well. Nice job.
  
  AFTERMATH/CHARACTER ARC: There isn’t too much of an arc for Ray, but he does change as he leaves his hitman life behind – as the closing conversation suggests. read
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  xmas contract review
  A review of Please Read Reviews
  by Gary Wright on 12/14/2007
  Hi Miriam, It's a real pleasure to read your work! I think you're onto something really good here - I have problems with the climax, which I'll get to in a minute, but so much of the first 90 pages is just beautiful. Here are my thoughts, in more or less the order they occur in the script: p.8 Unlike most of your dialogue, Ray's line, below, is clunkily expository and on-the-nose... Hi Miriam,
  
  It's a real pleasure to read your work! I think you're onto something really good here - I have problems with the climax, which I'll get to in a minute, but so much of the first 90 pages is just beautiful. Here are my thoughts, in more or less the order they occur in the script:
  
  p.8 Unlike most of your dialogue, Ray's line, below, is clunkily expository and on-the-nose. You might not need it at all...
  RAY
  So now you're holding my ticket
  instead of Mr. Erasmus? You were
  supposed to help me get out from
  under him.
  
  p.34 A little girl in the early 21st century using the expletive "Nuts" doesn't quite ring true to me. I associate that expression with adults in the 1940s and 50s. Also, there's an action line formatted as dialogue at the bottom of this page.
  
  pp. 30-66 A truly GREAT sequence of story points here, starting on page 30 when Ray tries to get a rise out of Nat by asking if she ever brushes her hair, going on to Nat trying and failing to make her hair look better (adorable, I've been there myself, though not with braids and ribbons), to her mother's appalling overreaction (my experience was less abusive - but it rings true), to Nat wearing the blue cap to cover her awful haircut (been there, too), the mob guys mentioning the distinctive blue cap, Ray repairing her haircut (a lovely, tender moment in their relationship), sending her into his apt. to get money, telling her to wear the hat because it's cold (great suspense-builder, and underlines the bond between them), and the stakeout guys making her because of the hat. This is all WONDERFUL, because it's a totally plausible (A) leads to (B) leads to (C) series of events, and best of all, it's COMPLETELY character-driven, and doesn't remind me of anything I've ever seen before. Lovely, lovely, lovely!
  
  p.72 using the city bus to shake the tail was awesome, and then the car cover ruse - brilliant! Might be good to see Ray remove the car cover earlier, and pack it into the trunk.
  
  p.81 Though, in general, I like the policeman in this scene, the second sentence in the line below feels like overwriting to me. Maybe it could be subtext.
  POLICEMAN
  That it is. And I have my own
  family to get home to.
  
  p.83 typo, I think, s/b "...and so on."
  RAY
  Those numbers are tenths of a mile.
  These ones are whole miles. These
  count every ten miles, and so one.
  
  The Tricky Mickey set-up and payoff couldn't be any better. I'm grinning, just thinking about it. Great job!
  
  After p.90, though, the remainder of the script is a disappointment for me, precisely because up to now, it's been so fresh, and off-center. It's not a typical Christmas story, nor is it a typical mob story. So the tired old "good guys shooting their way out of an impossible predicament" just feels like a cookie-cutter climax to me. I'd like to see an ending that's just as character-driven and fresh as your beginning and middle.
  
  I suspect the best way to do this is to add some meat to your characterizations of the Erasmus family. You can afford to humanize them - give them some humor and some quirks - there's so much potential for Christmas-movie parody with that family! Think what the Coen Brothers would do with them!
  
  Anyway, my holiday wish for you is that you will write a quirky, unexpected ending worthy of the rest of your script, and of course, that you will have a very, very...
  
  Merry Christmas, Mim!
  
  GW :) read
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  FROM TEARS TO FEARS...
  A review of Please Read Reviews
  by heat_wave187 on 12/10/2007
  I got to page twenty in this Christmas carol of a crime drama with action (that I think is really a love story) and I read a simple scene about a little girl who asks her mom if they could stay home and bake cookies. Suddenly, I’m fighting back tears! Next scene. Same page. I’m in a room with gangsters, some guy in a blood-stained apron, and he’s about to snip off the... I got to page twenty in this Christmas carol of a crime drama with action (that I think is really a love story) and I read a simple scene about a little girl who asks her mom if they could stay home and bake cookies.
  
  Suddenly, I’m fighting back tears!
  
  Next scene. Same page. I’m in a room with gangsters, some guy in a blood-stained apron, and he’s about to snip off the fingers of a lackey who betrayed the boss.
  
  Holy crap!
  
  I dove in hungry and, while the story was strong, clear, interesting, briskly told, and well written, when it was over, I wanted more... emotion. More. More of those little scenes that hit me in the heart and then spun me into sheer terror and back... more... please.
  
  I think you have something here. So, of course, I want to pull it apart.
  
  Rather than tell you it needs some scene to do this or explain that, or tell you I liked this line, something was funny, or that on page 34 you have an action passage formatted as dialogue (you do, BTW), I’m going to assume you’re in a rewrite process.
  
  The way I was taught to rewrite was to start at the act three climax, find the controlling idea, and then work back to the inciting incident passing everything through this “idea” while applying the appropriate forces of antagonism in such a way that it forces your characters to reveal themselves and their most human qualities as it pressures them to make tougher and tougher choices. (Duh.)
  
  Then as their expectations are shattered, it deepens the emotional experience of the audience (they are the only ones who matter... to me, anyway).
  
  Worst case scenario, I’m wrong, you ignore me, best case you get some ideas and they work. Either way, don’t think I’m criticizing. I just really want you to sell this.
  
  I start with the premise...
  
  What if an aging disillusioned hitman took a gig where he killed a big mobster’s son, but even though the kid deserved it, our boy got ratted-out and, to hide out, he took a job as a Mall Santa, and met a little girl who needed him?
  
  (Frisson, I got frisson.)
  
  The answer to this question is the obligatory scene, the scene the audience expects. In it is the third act crisis/climax that, ideally, in principle, plays out as a decision (ideally dilemma) that results in an action that turns your value-at-stake positive or negative.
  
  The means by which this “reversal” occurs reveals your story’s meaning, which MUST BE TRUE... and results in a movie that should stand the test of time. (Kind of a prerequisite for a Christmas movie, I should think.)
  
  Yours plays out like this...
  
  After snuffing the homeless-offing offspring of Mr. Big, the ethical eradicator pulls a hide-in-plane-sight at Santa’s Grotto. Through his beard and from his throne, he spies amongst the thugs (Ugly, Scarred, and Jimmy) a petite cynic with straggly hair who wants nothing more for Christmas than for people to stop hurting each other.
  
  Moved by her plea and with backstory in wallet, he decides to help this kid out. Risking capture, he takes charge and action to get the kid to the step-dad who loves her (kind of an against type step-dad), however, the kid spots H. Potter among the recent calls in his cell and let’s the cat out of Santa’s bag. (Might be better if someone called from Mr. Potter’s phone.)
  
  So, as she sneaks in to fetch some traveling money, at Santa’s request, her cover is blown and a chase begins.
  
  They ditch their tail using a great ploy (that I’ve never seen before) and get to the Dad’s, but are undone and dumped in the trunk of a big black limo.
  
  Natalie (I loved it when you called her Nat.), taped to a chair next to a snoozing thug with a gun in his lap, takes Santa Ray’s knife (which she picked off Ray in the trunk), escapes, gets the gun, and then bursts in to rescue Ray, who is about to get snipped by the apron-wearing sadist.
  
  Needless to say, along with Ray, all hell breaks lose and they shoot their way out, meeting out justice to the mob by filling their stockings with white hot coal... or lead... as it were.
  
  So, the value-at-stake is freedom, driven by love and turned by an act of courage in the face of death as the protagonists act to do what they have to do to save the other.
  
  This results in the meaning: When we risk everything to free someone we love, we free ourselves (internally and externally). Nice. True. And moving.
  
  Freedom is a big action story value. Love is a small character story value. A tough blend, but highly doable. Indeed, you bring about a reversal of their fortunes and they find love, but I would argue you need more reversals and... redemption.
  
  Redemption is a key element and a staple of love stories, especially, Christmas stories. I see you kind of going for it, but I would argue that it’s not quite there, because neither of your protagonists need to be redeemed.
  
  You have a likable hitman with scruples and a lovable kid in jeopardy and I think they both take actions and make decisions, but their choices lack the morally ambiguous dilemmas that make an audience worry.
  
  I think you have a cool blending that plays like a cross between Pulp Fiction and Miracle on 34th Street... both classic redemption plots.
  
  Do you mind if I brainstorm here? Feel free to ignore me, my intention is to provoke ideas, not tell you how to write a movie. Indeed, for me to point out a problem and not offer any solution is tantamount to complaining.
  
  It’s not my opinion, or some rule, but an attempt to apply principles which I’ve seen work many many times.
  
  The crisis, I would argue, occurs around page 32 or so, when Ray falls for Nat. He decides to risk exposure to feed and protect her and that will culminate in his attempt to rescue her. This is Ray’s only real dilemma, it’s a lesser of two evils: risk exposure and death or stand by and do nothing while she suffers (like his sister).
  
  After this choice, the rest of the story is simple climactic action as he faces bigger and bigger obstacles to free Nat. Even his action with Abby is not dilemma, it’s a live or die, black and white, good/evil choice. Yes, she’s her Mom, but Nat has a step dad, Abby bashed Ray with a lamp, and, hey, she’s choking the kid.
  
  Now, having an early crisis is an action staple (James Bond and Indiana Jones do it all the time), but I would argue that it might be a higher percentage choice to wake up the little love story that’s sleeping here and weave its conflict through all the action around it as you add more reversals of fortune to your action plot.
  
  What if Ray was a little less courageous and Nat was a little more cynical? Now, if cynical Nat says something about Ray getting the job of Santa because he’s so fat, it plays into his fears, which makes him angry and reinforces Nat’s cynicism. This dynamic gives you a unity of opposites that generates conflict.
  
  Stuck together, dependent on each other, but with the conflict inherent in love stories, it should play out as the two resisting each other, playing they don’t like each other, but then discovering that they actually do need each other as you bring out the internal conflict externalized interpersonally affected by and then affecting the external conflict on the social level (cops, mobsters, mall, etc.)
  
  Then you turn the state of this character conflict positive to negative as counterpoint to the positive / negative turns in the action (chase/escape) story line, so that as the chase/escape goes negative, the love story swings positive and vice versa.
  
  This would also enhance and tighten the escape action, which has obstacles, but might benefit from a more good news / bad news pattern.
  
  For example, the undercover scene might take on more tension if Nat were being loud on purpose or refused to nap, or wanted a song or a story, so when the cop’s came, we (and Ray) expect her to cause even more trouble, but she helps out Ray instead.
  
  This would also add comedic beats as you added more suit business (you’ve got a hitman in a Santa suit). Rather than just accept Ray, what would a more cynical Nat do or say about his beard fussing, hat adjusting, the belt, the boots... the fat suit... glasses... as he’s walking around the mall? Seatbelts? The consoling scene in the car... They don’t get along, but get away, yet as they get captured, they realize they’d sacrifice themselves for the other.
  
  All going bad to good, good to bad, or bad to worse as the chase, the visit to the step folks, and the escape turn opposite of the character-based conflict with all of it rooted in tougher more difficult choices.
  
  The other thing to consider is the principle of biggest bad guy last. What if there was a standoff with Ray holding Mickey and Mr. Erasmus holding Nat? Now you can play out the freedom, courage, love, and forgiveness even further.
  
  What would Ray do to save Nat? Give up? Would Mr. Erasmus deal for the life of Mickey? If he didn’t, would Nat see herself in Mickey’s place... a victim of love masquerading as hate that she herself felt in the cookie scene? If Ray tried to trick Erasmus, would Nat understand or see herself betrayed again? Could you hide his ploy from us to build suspense... or let us know and build irony?
  
  I can think of nine ways to play out the standoff, none of which I’d post here (email me). Although, I might use them in my Christmas movie: Rudolph the Red-Nosed Hitman.
  
  This is the second screenplay I’ve read on this site that deeply moved me. Most of the stuff on TS is interesting, rouses my curiosity, and is thought provoking, but, more often than not, lacks powerful emotion. Ironically, this “feeling” is what audiences want... go figure.
  
  Like you, I’m a writer. (I read scripts to become a better writer.) I also figure that, like me, you might see that screenplays aren’t ever really “done.” I mean even if they get made and distributed, still, somebody does a new take for the DVD. You know?
  
  I figure you’ll be doing a polish and in that process look for ways to add, deepen, and expand conflict while also looking to add layers of complexity to the scenes, settings, characters, etc.
  
  I hope you do, I think you’ve got something here. I’m just saying add more conflict, force tougher choices, kill the biggest baddie last, and make it cost... as they earn each other’s love and give each other the courage to stand and fight, and the ability to forgive and let go.
  
  Please excuse the length. I hope this makes sense. If you can use any of this: Merry Christmas, if not: Hey, no bad ideas in a brainstorm.
  
  Good luck. read
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  Bloody Xmas
  A review of Please Read Reviews
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 12/10/2007
  This is a solid script. Xmas shopping. Snow. Hitmen. Santa, and a young girl. The writing was clear and very focused. The characters were very detailed and felt real. The relationship between Ray and Natalie is very good. Their dialogue elevated this xmas flick to a level of serious Crime films such as "Road to Perdition", and "Leon -The Professional". The writers did well... This is a solid script. Xmas shopping. Snow. Hitmen. Santa, and a young girl.
  
  The writing was clear and very focused. The characters were very detailed and felt real. The relationship between Ray and Natalie is very good. Their dialogue elevated this xmas flick to a level of serious Crime films such as "Road to Perdition", and "Leon -The Professional".
  
  The writers did well in focusing on a few subplots, and did not get too scattered and distracted. The outcome is that supporting characters, like the Soprano-ish gangsters were terrific. Nat's mom Abby, was also written well.
  
  I haven't got too much to add to this script. It read smoothly, as all great scripts should.
  
  You may want to give Ray a little more backstory, a scene or two before he shows up on the first page.
  
  
  A few notes:
  
  Page 1:
  
  -This first sentence is a mouthful.
  
  Page 4:
  
  -Probably should use an INSERT tag, instead of "The wallet insert opens to..".
  
  Page 10:
  
  -I felt if I was in Ray's shoes, I'd want more convincing evidence other than Hiram's word that if
  
  the job is not done he'd expose me.
  
  Page 12:
  
  "His eye tics as he watches Mr. Erasmus." -Great writing here. So far, the script is clear and has
  
  great delivery and style.
  
  
  Page 20:
  
  -"Room for four vehicles, although only a single black luxury car is currently parked here."
  
  -Eliminate words like 'although' and 'is currenlty' to make the Action in the present.
  
  Page 26 - 30:
  
  -Nice dialogue with Ray and Bobby, and Ray with Natalie.
  
  Page 42:
  
  -Typo -should be "You stuck YOUR nose in where it doesn't belong."
  
  Page 81:
  
  -I think the cop would have at least checked Ray ID as well as the kid's name, and not let them get
  
  away so easily.
  
  Page 91:
  
  -Nice, unexpected twist.
  
  Great Action sequences in last few pages.
  
  
  Overall:
  
  This feels like a very accomplished and polished screenplay. Has great appeal and enough solid characters and excellent dialogue I'm sure some big name stars would fight over.
  
  Good work! read
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  Step Into Christmas
  A review of Please Read Reviews
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 12/07/2007
  WHAT WORKS 1. I believe you have the best first three pages I've read on Triggerstreet. I'm not a fan of cheesing out with a violent opening, but since it's an integral part of your story and protagonist, all is forgiven. Well done Miriam. 2. All engaging/page turner movies include what I call 'the bargain'. It is a statement of the stakes, good and bad. Some movies,... WHAT WORKS
  
  1. I believe you have the best first three pages I've read on Triggerstreet. I'm not a fan of cheesing out with a violent opening, but since it's an integral part of your story and protagonist, all is forgiven. Well done Miriam.
  
  2. All engaging/page turner movies include what I call 'the bargain'. It is a statement of the stakes, good and bad. Some movies, like MIDNIGHT RUN, actually verbalize the bargain so that it can't be missed. So does your film. Well donut, Miriam.
  
  4. My God! A mother/daughter team in a Christmas story who aren't closer than velcro? Take another well donut out of petty cash.
  
  5. Turns out this piece borrows ideas (in a good way) from two movies I like: PAPER MOON and A PATCH OF BLUE.
  
  6. Mickey's little tricky. WOW! I'm impressed.
  
  WHAT NEEDS WORK
  
  1. Title: it will only work if the poster makes the mob angle perfectly clear.
  
  2. A tiny note, but my gut tells me Ray's name should be CARSON. Raymond a a name he asks people -- and especially Nat -- NOT to call him.
  
  3. A genre clash revealed on page 5. On page 23, the problem became critical. Torture scenes are not within heartfelt holiday stories. Either change your logline, or change the script. This bi-polar tone is lethal.
  
  4. On 10, you suggest Erasmus owns half the businesses in a mall. Most malls are full of chain stores, most of which are owned by a handful of corporations. So there is NO WAY some local guy owns half the stores. However, Erasmus could be the developer that owns the mall, the landlord.
  
  5. Names like Erasmus and HIram are odd and awkward. If they are meant to echo religious names, in some sort of significance, they're still over the top, like giving them Shakespearian names. Also, am I the only one to associate Abby as a cute girl name and Natalie as more Mom-ish?
  
  6. 14/15 read awkward. Cutting between Hiram and Ray didn't add anything for me but a need to re-read.
  
  7. On 16, I sensed you skipped Ray's Santa interview because it wasn't readily believable he'd get the job. I'd add such a scene.
  
  8. On 19, I started to wonder who's story this is? Ray's or Natalie's? I know, you can have two stories, but your B story of Natalie is nudging too close to your A story. And I don't believe in co-A stories.
  
  9. I understand you wish us to dislike Rod and Abby, but you may be overdoing it.
  
  10. Page 26 needs to be clearer.
  
  11. On 28, another awkward scene skipped. If Santa walked off with a kid to the food court, a stranger, his boss would have security arrest him. Fix this.
  
  12. On page 30, we're past the one quarter mark. Either your first act hasn't ended yet, or it ended too early on page 10. I sense that Ray must snap up Natalie to end the act, so that he must hide her from authorities (or whatever) while trying to do his job. That is: a major reversal.
  
  Related: on 36, I'm wondering why Ray wastes so much time in Natalie vs. efficiently seeking his prey. On 38 he starts looking, but this seems out of balance.
  
  Now I'm on 48, and you've 'ended' Act One by having Ray choose a major reversal: protecting Natalie. Miriam, I believe you can squeeze everything before page 48 into half the space. You spend too many pages in backstory.
  
  This story could start with Ray as Santa already in the mall. Hiram could visit for a progress report, filling us in on their backstory. You only need Abby's antics in the mall with Nat and Rod to establish how badly Nat needs Ray.
  
  This will be much tighter if we don't know everything that's going on at first.
  
  And your story becomes a page turner at this point, page 48, indicating the need to have the page turning begin at the one quarter mark.
  
  13. Because of the inclusion of backstory, you lost needed time to believably set up Ray and Nat's relationship. Watch the first 30 minutes of PAPER MOON and A PATCH OF BLUE to see how they handle this. In a nutshell: they glue the elder characters to the younger characters as soon as possible.
  
  Your end of Act Two, or at least deep into it, should be when the mob finds Ray and Nat -- as the aforementioned movies demonstrate.
  
  Since your Act Two is truncated, Ray and Nat form too friendly a relationship too fast. If Ray took her against her will, and slowly won her over during a longer Act Two, then their closeness approaching Act Three would ring true. As it stands now, too little too late.
  
  14. I bet you could tell this story with far fewer mobster types.
  
  15. Act Two is meant to explore a theme. In this story I believe it would be crime vs. humanity. It's all over the script, yes, but not effectively debated in Act Two.
  
  OVERALL
  
  This promising piece starts with a definite tonal problem. Heartfelt Christmas story, or violent mob story? If you really wish to do both, it must become neither. That is, it must become a story about Ray's world crashing into Natalie's world, as Moses crashes into Addie, and Selena crashes into Gordon. A character piece that focuses squarely on your two leads, and makes them living breathing beings. Less shoot outs, far more humanity.
  
  Pull that off, and you'll be my fourth RECOMMEND.
  
  Best of luck, and thanks for the read,
  
  Teddie read
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  Heartwarming holiday classic!!
  A review of Please Read Reviews
  by bthielke on 12/07/2007
  Hi Mim- What an awesome read. As you can tell by my page by page notes, I didn't have many comments. From presentation standpoint this was flawless, here are my meager comments on a very well done script. Concept- Bad guy turns good, redemption, all themes that work very well. Dialogue- Almost perfect, one instance where your dialogue was a little unneeded. When it... Hi Mim- What an awesome read. As you can tell by my page by page notes, I didn't have many comments. From presentation standpoint this was flawless, here are my meager comments on a very well done script.
  
  Concept- Bad guy turns good, redemption, all themes that work very well.
  
  Dialogue- Almost perfect, one instance where your dialogue was a little unneeded. When it was revealed that Nat's stepdad and his wife were in the shed being a momsicle and popsicle, I think that it wasn't needed for Ray to tell her that her dad was dead. That was pretty clear already. Maybe Nat can start crying, showing that she realizes what happened.
  
  Characters- Abby was a little too fucked up, What if she was an out of control meth queen? to help explain why she was so awful to Nat. Otherwise, great characters. I like how you played Nat, not a dumb child, but not a grown up (except for that harry potter thing).
  
  Story- lots of good twists and turns, building tension. I think your device to get the bad guys to realize ray was being santa was very clunky and is the only misstep in the whole story in my opinion, but it was a pretty big one.
  
  Structure- ray killing kyle is the thing that sets everything in motion, so I think if you had a scene where you show ray killing the santa at the beginning, it would push back that event with kyle a couple pages which would be just fine. Oh, by the way, I don't remember anyone remarking after the fact that the last santa got killed or died. I think that would be worth a line or two of delicious irony.
  
  Overall- I think this story has a unique angle, a good hook, and a great ending. I honestly think if you can fix these couple little things, it's marketable. But, what do I know about that!!! he he
  
  
  
  pg 4- what if you made it clear that he put all the money he took from that punk into the salvation army pot? It would even further enhance the contradiction you were going for. This guy has some morals to him.(odd as they may be)
  
  pg 10- I think I'd expand this scene a smidge to indicate why hiram knows ray killed kyle. Also, I'm now starting to wonder why he killed Santa? Does that need a little explanation. In fact that's a pretty interesting thing, why not open with the hit. I'd like to see how one bumps off santa.
  
  pg 51- this one is a biggggg stretch. A nine year old will know that harry potter isn't real. Your going to have to comeup with a better device than this.
  
  pg 110- I was looking for a more succinct ending. I think it was obvious that the two were going to become a family. I think ending it on him racing out to the car and finding her okay, maybe he gives her a hug. The end. The last page of dialogue was a little anti-climatic in my opinion. read
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  PULPY GOODNESS
  A review of Please Read Reviews
  by davidpurcell on 12/06/2007
  I am always cautious of what I sometimes define as the “sure bet” situations that set up conflict or tug the heartstrings. Somebody pulls out a gun, a kid is in danger and witnesses carnage, a hitman shows his soft side, or, in another type of story, a strict grandpa offers support at the last moment. You get the idea. I’m mentioning all this so you’ll know that your story... I am always cautious of what I sometimes define as the “sure bet” situations that set up conflict or tug the heartstrings. Somebody pulls out a gun, a kid is in danger and witnesses carnage, a hitman shows his soft side, or, in another type of story, a strict grandpa offers support at the last moment. You get the idea.
  
  I’m mentioning all this so you’ll know that your story is so skillfully told, it broke down all my prejudices about a hitman story and a kid-in-peril story and completely won me over. The tension builds appropriately, within each scene as well as overall. The writing is tight. The action lines crackle, the characters feel real and the dialogue rings true. I even delighted in Ray’s “See you in hell” line, which I would usually write off as the cliché-est of clichés, but in this context it worked, damn it! Nice going!
  
  Now, despite being won over, I do at least have to bring this up: some deep, deep, horrible, nasty stuff happens to this kid. Not only the grisly murders around her, but her mom, for crying out loud, and then the added whammy of popsicle and momsicle, her only other hope (besides Ray). I suppose everyone eligible to care for Nat has to be dispatched so the story can end the way it does, but that doesn’t prevent me from feeling kind of sick about it and wondering if it’s totally necessary or could be handled differently. Keep in mind I’m a wussy about this kind of stuff, and I don’t see a whole lot of movies in this vein, so if you’re sure the average moviegoer is ready and willing to digest such horrors, you probably know better than I do.
  
  These comments may sound contradictory and I think that’s due to my struggle with how disturbing the material is mixed with my recognition with it’s skillful executed. I hope my rambling are useful in some way.
  
  Specific Notes & Nitpicks:
  
  Erasmus – Great ironic name for a mob boss.
  
  Pg. 3 - “So when will I see the rest of my fee?” Sounds awkward, too telling. Can he just say, “when do I get the rest?”
  
  Pg. 10 – Nice raising of the stakes with the second hit ordered.
  
  Pg. 19 - “Because I quit school to help your daddy start his business…” I wish there was a less direct, less obvious way for Abby to say this.
  
  Pg. 23 – “Creepy-looking RODRIGO… …leers at the children.” – I instantly figured he was going to die.
  
  Pg. 24 – “Abby and Rodrigo feel each other up” – Okay, I figured she was going to have to die, too.
  
  Pg. 26 “LATER” – Format?
  
  Pg. 51 – Natalie calls H. Potter. Seemed a little implausible but I liked it anyhow.
  
  Overall, action lines flip between Nat and Natalie. Why not just change it to Nat throughout?
  
  Pg. 93 – I love this surprise!
  
  Pg. 99 – Not sure how far the garage is from the library, but I was really surprised to find Jimmy still asleep!
  
  Ending – Hey, Rodrigo didn’t die!!
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
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• 
  RE: The Christmas Contract
  A review of Please Read Reviews
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 12/04/2007
  This is a good read. Couldn’t help picture Hackman or Gandolphini as Ray. Solid characters, good pacing throughout, nice turning points. I’d really like to see it as past tense, as the girl all grown up telling the story of a Christmas long ago when she met Ray and he helped change, maybe even save, her life. Good job. Hope the following notes are helpful. Page 14 You... This is a good read. Couldn’t help picture Hackman or Gandolphini as Ray. Solid characters, good pacing throughout, nice turning points. I’d really like to see it as past tense, as the girl all grown up telling the story of a Christmas long ago when she met Ray and he helped change, maybe even save, her life. Good job.
  
  Hope the following notes are helpful.
  
  Page 14
  
  You really don’t need so long a major heading --
  
  INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE MR ERASMUS’S OFFICE - DAY when
  
  IN THE HALLWAY will do. Here’s why . . . use a minor heading because we’re already established inside the building. One major heading to establish locale, and minor headings thereafter, such as IN THE HALLWAY or IN THE OFFICE. Trust to the intelligence of your readers, as well, e. g., Bald Thug opens the door from the office and all of them troop out. Next shot begins with Bald Thug and it’s in a hallway, and so we put two and two together and know the hallway must be the one outside the office.
  
  Page 17
  
  You’ll need an INSERT: if you want the viewers to see the face of the envelope and who the letter in Natalie’s hand is from.
  
  Page 18
  
  We should probably have gotten the description of Abby’s meager Christmas decorations back when we were first here with Natalie.
  
  Page 19
  
  Once you’re inside Abby’s place you don’t need a major heading (INT.) as she goes from room to room. As with the HALLWAY mentioned above, just write BEDROOM, or KITCHEN, or STAIRWELL, or BATHROOM.
  
  Page 50
  
  A ring tone SOUNDS. All sounds in caps. A RING TONE SOUNDS.
  
  Page 57
  
  Rather than write ‘he runs from the room. (3 spaces)INT. NATALIE’S BEDROOM - DAY’ try this ......... He runs into (2 spaces) NATALIE’S BEDROOM (1 space) where Abby straddles Nat on the bed.(?)
  
  Page 76
  
  Where ever is actually one word, wherever.
  
  Page 84
  
  You wrote, The pass a sign that tells them ........ I think you mean, They pass a sign ......
  
  Music and laughter issue ...... MUSIC and LAUGHTER are both SOUNDS and should be in CAPS. ALSO, why not, MUSIC and LAUGHTER come from .... issue’s kind of dated.
  
  Page 92
  
  When a character is introduced, it has to be by their right name. If Linda is really Mickey, you have to at least give us LINDA/MICKEY. I know you’re trying to build suspense, keep a secret for the fun of the revelation to come, etc., but changing names ..........
  
  The FAT BOY runs hard and throws open the door.
  
  FAT BOY: Follow me!
  
  He runs three steps and shouts.
  
  FAT BOY: Hey, it’s me Freddy.
  
  STRANGER: Freddy?
  
  FREDDY: Yeah, who’d you think?
  
  ...... generally turns readers against you. You’re both very creative. Miriam, your civil war story is still one of my favorites on TS. I read it once four years ago and still remember it vividly, so I know you’re creative. Think of a clever way to solve the LINDA/MICKEY problem that meets your needs and brings the situation up to specification.
  
  Page 99
  
  Natalie’s scream is SOUND, so Natalie SCREAMS.
  
  Page 100
  
  The torturer GASPS his last breath.
  
  Someone shot in the face by a gun from so short a distance, whether the gun is high powered or otherwise, will tend to follow the force. Their head snaps backward, and so their body would be inclined to fall in that direction, unless an obstruction behind them, such as perhaps Mickey, would keep them from going back.
  
  Page 101
  
  ..... a strangled LAUGH.
  
  ..... Mr. Erasmus SLAMS THE DOOR shut.
  
  Page 107
  
  ..... Natalie SOBS.
  
  Page 109
  
  ..... Natalie GASPS.
  
  110
  
  FADE OUT. goes flush against the right hand margin.
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• 
  review: The Christmas Contract
  A review of Please Read Reviews
  by Robin de Valk on 12/02/2007
  - Lovely scenes between Abby and Natalie - The situation Natalie’s in is really heartbreaking. Was kinda hard to swallow, so I guess you two did well there. - When Ray tells Natalie to turn around when he’s undressing was such a nice moment for tha kid. Nice scene and good dialog till this far. - "You really are Santa Claus" at the end made me laugh. The scenes between... - Lovely scenes between Abby and Natalie
  
  - The situation Natalie’s in is really heartbreaking. Was kinda hard to swallow, so I guess you two did well there.
  - When Ray tells Natalie to turn around when he’s undressing was such a nice moment for tha kid. Nice scene and good dialog till this far.
  
  - "You really are Santa Claus" at the end made me laugh.
  
  
  The scenes between Ray and Natalie were great and really touching. Natalie could only find trust and security with Ray and vice versa. I don’t know which one of you wrote the kid’s dialogs, maybe both of you. Nonetheless some great writing.
  The dialogs, the main characters, the overall length were all good.
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