Reviews of Prayer of the Headless Mantis (iii) 32

• 
  A Challenging, But Well-Written Screenplay With Low Budget Potential
  A review of Prayer of the Headless Mantis (iii)
  by snoopy1239 on 11/02/2012
  Single-set (or thereabouts) scripts are such a tough challenge that I'm always impressed when films like Carnage, Phone Booth, Panic Room, etc are able to successfully entertain an audience for 90 minutes without creating a chorus of yawns and walkouts, and you very nearly achieved this feat. Where I feel you stumbled slightly was in the characters themselves; they were so... Single-set (or thereabouts) scripts are such a tough challenge that I'm always impressed when films like Carnage, Phone Booth, Panic Room, etc are able to successfully entertain an audience for 90 minutes without creating a chorus of yawns and walkouts, and you very nearly achieved this feat.
  
  Where I feel you stumbled slightly was in the characters themselves; they were so cold and ruthless that it was hard to give a damn about any of them, or their pending demise. There's nothing wrong with the macabre, and the idea that everyone is backstabbing everyone else, but there's nothing stopping you adding a little more warmth to those characters - and the script as a whole that offers another side of their personality beyond simply saying 'these are my characters; they are bad people'.
  
  The pacing was also a little off. We commenced with a nice character-driven canter and then suddenly exploded into a 100-per hour story twist-and-turn adventure from out of nowhere, and it disrupted proceedings somewhat when perhaps a slow burn would have been more appropriate. If you're going to do the former, then the drama needs to occur earlier, as currently we just crawl through the first third without really achieving too much. Alternatively, you could utilise those early pages to flesh out your characters more and offer more of a back story so that when the action does eventually kick on, we have more of an interest in what's happening.
  
  On a similar note, I turned off a little when all the flashbacks ambushed the page; it got unnecessarily confusing with so much happening in quick succession and ultimately felt like hard work trying to keep up, especially when I didn't care much for the characters themselves.
  
  This was still a great read, though, and one of the better scripts I've seen on this site, and you're undoubtedly a skilled writer. There were a few signs of this: barely any typos, faultless formatting, and a script that read super fast without ever becoming a massive chore. You have clearly done your homework to ensure it looks and feels like what a professional screenplay should, and this in itself is always an applaudable achievement.
  
  If you can just find a way to add depth and dimension to the characters rather than them simply being chess pieces in your story of betrayal and murder, and modify your pacing and placement of turning (or twisting) points, then you could certainly push this into production, even if it were merely an independent effort. A low budget is the beauty to this style of film, after all.
  
  A few nit-picky notes:
  
  page 1 - don't see the point in capitalising 'people'
  page 2 - are we meant to know it's 'three years later'?
  page 14 - where/were you
  page 22- do people still say 'swell'?
  page 29 - I'm not sure, but should it be 'you and me play'?
  page 30 - how do we know it's 8.05 p.m.?
  page 47 - hard core / hardcore
  page 47 - 'lies' rather 'lays', perhaps?
  page 47 - remove 'fake'
  page 52 - You Tube/YouTube
  page 53 - how do we know this gun is real?
  page 65 - tip toes / tiptoes
  page 65 - pick/picks
  page 86 - would she really be so potty-mouthed here?
  general: E's swearing feels excessive and unrealistic. read
• 
  Prayer of the Headless Mantis (iii) my POV
  A review of Prayer of the Headless Mantis (iii)
  by Miguel84 on 10/10/2012
  Hi, first of all let me tell you great job, I really liked reading it, honestly I have nothing that I felt was wrong, I like the characters and the hole story. There are only two notes during the reading, the part when Theo and Eliana are dinning and she starts telling him that she was abused, I felt like it took to much convincing on her part and at the time it didn't felt... Hi, first of all let me tell you great job, I really liked reading it, honestly I have nothing that I felt was wrong, I like the characters and the hole story.
  There are only two notes during the reading, the part when Theo and Eliana are dinning and she starts telling him that she was abused, I felt like it took to much convincing on her part and at the time it didn't felt natural (but after reading the hole thing maybe I understand), the other note was when Clyde told the taxi driver that maybe he was going to kill his wife, I don't know it was to expicit to me even though It was the point, it got me thinking, if I was the taxi driver I would have caled the police.
  Maybe is just me trying to find flaws in the screenplay. Only trying to help.
  
  Congratulation again in the screenplay. It's great.
  
  I have one more assigned from you (The Carrier (rev.)) now I'm looking forward to reading it. read
• 
  Action, twists, turns, and surprises
  A review of Prayer of the Headless Mantis (iii)
  by johnregan on 10/07/2012
  I read this in one sitting because I was so compelled by the lean, compact writing style, interesting characters, and superb dialogue. It reads like script from a seasoned professional. I loved all the characters and the use the fog as both a metaphor and for its effect. The story reminded me some of the game of Clue and having Scrabble as a prop for some of the scenes added... I read this in one sitting because I was so compelled by the lean, compact writing style, interesting characters, and superb dialogue. It reads like script from a seasoned professional.
  
  I loved all the characters and the use the fog as both a metaphor and for its effect. The story reminded me some of the game of Clue and having Scrabble as a prop for some of the scenes added to that old school game / Hitchcock murder theme.
  
  Very good work and I hope this becomes a movie some day.
  
  I have some very minor suggestions:
  
  Use one space between sentences
  Use grandfather clock instead of Grandfather clock
  P. 19: Use The Bagleys instead of The Bagley’s since it is plural and not possessive read
• 
  Lots of Good Twists and Turns
  A review of Prayer of the Headless Mantis (iii)
  by sablezena on 10/07/2012
  Overall, I liked the screenplay. There were lots of twists and turns. The lead character Eliana was certainly a crafty woman. The only thing I thought that could be improved upon was getting to know the characters a little more. The story started right in the heart of the action, but I would like to know the characters a little better, so I could at least have a feel... Overall, I liked the screenplay. There were lots of twists and turns. The
  lead character Eliana was certainly a crafty woman. The only thing I thought
  that could be improved upon was getting to know the characters a little more.
  The story started right in the heart of the action, but I would like to know
  the characters a little better, so I could at least have a feel for what they
  are going through. Maybe this could be set up in the beginning. Perhaps
  Eliana could have some redeeming qualities that would make her more complex,
  and the reader would have some sympathy for her. The same might be possible
  for Theo.
  
  Overall though, great job! With just some additional character development,
  I think this story has potential. read
• 
  Who shot ya.. uh made you look.
  A review of Prayer of the Headless Mantis (iii)
  by RaphaelMichaels on 10/04/2012
  All right, you can take down this screenplay already. It is ready to sell. There is a definite reason why this was a featured submission and I congratulate you. This is a classic mystery murder piece and from the introduction very captivating. One of the greatest yet difficult task to master in screenwriting is character development. The structure for a Hollywood story... All right, you can take down this screenplay already. It is ready to sell. There is a definite reason why this was a featured submission and I congratulate you. This is a classic mystery murder piece and from the introduction very captivating. One of the greatest yet difficult task to master in screenwriting is character development. The structure for a Hollywood story has always been laid in black and white. However, the process of a character arc proves time and time again, is a much harder path to find. Nonetheless, was surely found here. It is always a pleasure when reading great dialogue, but a much greater feat and experience, when the dialogue speaks to you. The characters voice was clear and moving as the entire murder mystery itself. Theo’s voice instantly popped into my head as John Malkovich’s, boy I would love to see him play that part. With E, his counterpart, a perfect suitor for any beautiful leading actress. Do be completely honest; I absolutely despise speaking about the “budget” or any other aspect of filmmaking, considering I’m reviewing the screenplay and nothing more. However, I must tell you that few chosen locations would make this screenplay without a doubt possible, on an extremely limited budget. This, of course is due to your hard work and immense creativity. So congratulation’s, and whether a large studio budget on the big screen, or an independent film festival premier, I’d love to see it and hope I do soon. read
• 
  Easy Read
  A review of Prayer of the Headless Mantis (iii)
  by adampryor on 10/01/2012
  Really enjoyed this. Can't say I was at all surprised by all the twists and turns but they were clever nonetheless. I read this in about forty-five minutes, including time I spent going back over a couple things. This is a good thing to me, because the screenplays that are easy reads are the ones that make sense. The ones that are well-written. What I personally look for most... Really enjoyed this. Can't say I was at all surprised by all the twists and turns but they were clever nonetheless. I read this in about forty-five minutes, including time I spent going back over a couple things. This is a good thing to me, because the screenplays that are easy reads are the ones that make sense. The ones that are well-written.
  
  What I personally look for most in a script is dialog. Does it seem natuarl. Do the words spoken seem like they would come from that specific person. You have that by the shitload in this screenplay. I say it all the time and I'll say it here, I was able to place dialog to characters without looking at the character heading. Especially Eliana, whose laundry list of f-bombs and dirty remarks are both funny and unrelenting in a fashion that intrigues the hell out of me. I love her.
  
  You write with such style, man. So much style.
  
  My one and only criticism is that every now and again I felt like I was reading an episode of CSI/Law & Order. Then again that can be said about every crime story.
  
  Overall, I enjoyed the crap out of this. I went from beginning to end without even realizing it. Hell, I might read it again it was so much fun.
  
  Thank you. read
• 
  review
  A review of Prayer of the Headless Mantis (iii)
  by Russell Corey on 10/01/2012
  This was a fun script to read. I will say all the flashbacks got to be a little much. But still I dug it. Can’t say there was anybody you were really rooting for, but that’s okay. You quickly learn that everyone has a dark side in this story and that’s what makes it fun. These are bad people doing bad things and you just are waiting to see who is left standing. The good thing... This was a fun script to read. I will say all the flashbacks got to be a little much. But still I dug it. Can’t say there was anybody you were really rooting for, but that’s okay. You quickly learn that everyone has a dark side in this story and that’s what makes it fun. These are bad people doing bad things and you just are waiting to see who is left standing.
  
  The good thing is the budget for this could be fairly low, so you might be able to find a producer that wants to produce a mystery. Worst case scenario, you could self publish it as mysteries are always a popular genre for people that read books.
  
  The characters were very well laid out and distinctive. Theo, Eliana on down to the private eyes.
  
  I really liked having them all recorded. Throughout the story I kept wonder who was behind the surveillance cameras. Did Theo set it up? Was it the cops? It was this like this ticking bomb that gave each scene an added element of suspense.
  
  I like the specific description in script. Gave me a great visual feel for the story.
  
  Also you have a great flow to the script as well. Yes, I had a few issues with all the flashbacks, but I never felt lost with all the jumping around. I think of movies like Ocean’s Eleven, which have a lot of flashbacks to events we think went one way, but really went another. It worked for that movie and I think it works for this script as well.
  
  The end drags on a little bit and I kept waiting for that zinger moment, but it is a bit open ended as the next chapter in the mystery unfolds.
  
  There was the zinger of all the people joining her in bed, but since that was a nightmare, it didn’t have the impact of a real world moment of comeuppance.
  
  Anyway, I enjoyed reading it. Could see it as a low budget mystery film at worst. Showed a good screenwriting craftsmanship and kept the twists and turns coming. Good job, thanks. read
• 
  Quadruple Cross
  A review of Prayer of the Headless Mantis (iii)
  by Michael Keller on 05/22/2012
  Prayer of the Headless Mantis reads like a classic film noir or Hitchcock film, with hard-boiled characters wading through moral ambiguity. No one is safe, no one is good, everyone stabs each other in the back for money or revenge. It does read a little like a stage play (and would probably make a good one,) but I don't think that is negative in this context. I appreciate... Prayer of the Headless Mantis reads like a classic film noir or Hitchcock film, with hard-boiled characters wading through moral ambiguity. No one is safe, no one is good, everyone stabs each other in the back for money or revenge.
  
  It does read a little like a stage play (and would probably make a good one,) but I don't think that is negative in this context. I appreciate that it is constrained and economical in its use of space.
  
  I don't have many criticisms. But here are a few minor notes:
  
  -Perhaps Theo should have to work a little harder and actually win over Eliana in the beginning. Make the scene more like a seduction, less like a done deal. Perhaps she was a little more naive back then, but a few years with Theo hardened her?
  
  -Perhaps differentiate the characters' voices just a little more - make the professor more pedantic and the detectives a little more coarse. I think Eliana is fine the way she is.
  
  -Perhaps the dialog could be a little more subtle, in true film noir style - more double meanings and hints.
  
  -Why does Theo have to believe Olivia is dead, when he was just going to be killed a minute later?
  
  Overall, great job! read
• 
  The Thomas Crown Affair totally reworked by Tarantino
  A review of Prayer of the Headless Mantis (iii)
  by Patrick McConnell on 01/05/2012
  P R A Y E R O F T H E H E A D L E S S M A N T I S by Jose L. Villanueva Jose, I like cooking shows, seeing a large assortment of ingredients, some I recognize, some totally new to me, prepared and assembled into something that makes the mouth water, my mind soar. This comes to mind as a result of enjoying this script, ingesting a lavish assortment of unique ingredients...
  P R A Y E R O F T H E
  H E A D L E S S M A N T I S
  
  by
  Jose L. Villanueva
  
  Jose, I like cooking shows, seeing a large assortment of ingredients, some I recognize, some totally new to me, prepared and assembled into something that makes the mouth water, my mind soar. This comes to mind as a result of enjoying this script, ingesting a lavish assortment of unique ingredients until they all take flight.
  
  The ease with which your words cascade from the page, like butter, even melted chocolate -- A true pleasure to read. Not a single formatting issue to comment on.
  
  I generally gravitate towards a very relatable character, one who makes me want to know him or her better. In this case the characters all gave me the willies; which, in this case, was exactly what was needed. Not someone to meet in a dark alley but great in this darkened world. The Thomas Crown Affair totally reworked by Tarantino.
  
  I like your scene selections and the way you map out the reader’s course. Language is crisp and street-wise, even unafraid.
  
  The title is fantastic; it’s what roped me in to reading the script in the first place. The title seamlessly weaves itself into the story’s fabric. Great Job!
  
  A few thoughts/suggestions --
  
  Page 34: Suggest cut “!’s” – seems out of sync with “Whispers”.
  
  Eliana heads for the kitchen. Olivia whispers.
  
  OLIVIA
  Oh my God, Theo!
  
  THEO
  What?
  
  OLIVIA
  She’s trying to poison you!
  
  Page 36: GREAT DIALOGUE
  Or are cocktails what happens afterwards? After the cock enters the tail.
  
  Page 55-56 & Page 58:
  I found myself wondering if these two FLASHBACK SEQUENCE’s added to the story. It’s just a thought but it may flow better if they are removed.
  
  Page 87: Great line -- This guy gets more pussy than a litter box.
  
  I had a lot of fun and became very engrossed in this TAIL , sorry Tale.
  
  Wish you good luck,
  Patrick McConnell
  generasp@yahoo.com read
• 
  Who's Afraid of Funny Games?
  A review of Prayer of the Headless Mantis (iii)
  by Jayberwock on 09/03/2011
  I remember reviewing an earlier draft of this. You've got an interesting conceit - a thriller set during dinner with two couples. WHO'S AFRAID OF VIRGINIA WOOLF meets DEATHTRAP and FUNNY GAMES. I believe the way you've structured your plot - which is the most important thing in this type of movie - is a bit clunky. Eliana meets Theo. She's out to fuck Theo. He's described... I remember reviewing an earlier draft of this.
  
  You've got an interesting conceit - a thriller set during dinner with two couples. WHO'S AFRAID OF VIRGINIA WOOLF meets DEATHTRAP and FUNNY GAMES. I believe the way you've structured your plot - which is the most important thing in this type of movie - is a bit clunky.
  
  Eliana meets Theo. She's out to fuck Theo. He's described as "handsome" but I can't tell if he's a suave professor or a nebbish professor by his talk. Whisk ahead three years and they're having dinner, then drinks with another couple. Eli throws down a revelation and...what? Electrical trucks? Oh they're being surveilled. This tips your poker hand a little early.
  
  Eli drops a revelation that some afternoon chat show has revealed to her - she's emo because she had a past. Never mind she's just lived with this other guy three years. As things continue, she may or may not have poisoned Theo, the third guest shows up, the fourth guest is delivered in a crate. Eli snaps and emotionally tortures Olivia and Theo, Olivia dies, Theo has a heart attack and just like in Deathtrap, Olivia gets up and is in on it. But turn again and Eli kills Olivia. She then has her real gutter-rat boyfriend help her clean up, then kills him. Then writes a book about it.
  
  I don't really buy that Eliana would plan this thing and live for three years with Theo. She's a harlot from the start, so I don't know why he falls for her. Either he's not suave and this hot chick is something new for him, or she needs to enchant him. She doesn't even like art. Why would he live with her for 3 years?
  
  I would like to see this more contained. The main part of the movie should be slow revelations over dinner that get more and more scary. I don't think Theo should have known Eli for so long. Perhaps she's one of his students that he plays around with and she's wonderful...is invited to the cottage to meet some of his grownup friends and she has a tantrum. At first it's a comedy of manners with the other couple...I think we need to meet Olivia's husband. I love the idea of delivering the character to the house in a trunk eventually, but the situation isn't worked to advantage as you have it. Eli never is deceptive enough or charming enough so that her turn is anything near surprising.
  
  Once we know the house is being watched, it drains the tension from the screenplay because you've already pretty much telegraphed the ending.
  
  Could you subvert expectation - if Eli and Theo have a newer relationship perhaps make the audience fear that he is going to kill her before she turns the tables? read