SHARK BAIT -Two women have opposing visions from the Virgin Mary to either save or murder a Palestinian politician... more
HOW IT RATES
When tragedy strikes the nicest woman in the world; she quickly seeks revenge on a wheelchair bound surgeon.
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Ever wonder what happens at your house while nobody is home? You don't want to know.
A man experiences life in a dark harsh world.
Reviews of Pretty Faces 23
by Wendy1989 on 05/09/2010This feature length graphic horror screenplay portrays the drama, realism and suspense very well. There are a few minor errors in the script. Some objects are in capital letters, for example, on page 63 “WHITE CHUNKY LIQUID” is used. No matter how important the object is, it doesn’t need to be in capitals. The same goes for some verbs and nouns, like “SLAMS” and “REPLACEMENT”... This feature length graphic horror screenplay portrays the drama, realism and suspense very well.
There are a few minor errors in the script. Some objects are in capital letters, for example, on page 63 “WHITE CHUNKY LIQUID” is used. No matter how important the object is, it doesn’t need to be in capitals. The same goes for some verbs and nouns, like “SLAMS” and “REPLACEMENT” on pages 4 and 5. Verbs and nouns shouldn’t have capitals, even for emphasis. There are also a couple of sentences, like on page 45; “the tip of the gun was touching the baseboard” is underlined. It’s confusing as these sentences do have some importance because they hold a lot of tension, but I don’t understand why it is underlined. Additionally, there is obviously a mistake on page 40, where Aubree is used for an action and a dialogue when she is not supposed to be scene, as she is dead. These are supposed to be Rebecca’s parts but it is an understandable minor mistake.
The plot and scene structure is very fluent and realistic. The scenes are the right length and the action doesn’t over feed us with detail. However, I do feel that some action could be portrayed in dialogue or a parenthetical could be used instead. An example of this would be on page 26, “From his tone of voice, he doesn’t seem like himself.” A parenthetical could be used here, like “worried” or “stressed”. Another example of the unnecessary action is on page 36 with, “Her eyes carry the weight of the world”, this can’t be portrayed in action so “depressed” as a parenthetical could be used or by saying that she has bloodshot and tired eyes.
Something I don’t understand is how the chair is slammed towards the blade to cut the person’s head off, this being first described on page 4. To me, it is not described well and I can’t imagine how the action happens. Another thing that I don’t think is explained well is why the doctor murdered the girls to keep his artwork. Because he tried to save his wife’s looks after the accident doesn’t seem plausible to me. It could be because it has become a habit for him or that his insecurity or depression is taking over him. And as he is the villain of the piece, I feel confused as to why I feel sympathy for him on page 78 when he is being hassled by the prostitutes. Here, it is obvious that Dr. Lions is missing his wife and is depressed. So when he is being killed by Rebecca on pages 100-101, I felt sorry for him, despite the fact that he murdered loads of women. Whether the reaction I had was intentional is unclear.
In addition to what I said earlier, I think parentheticals could be used more so it is understood as to how some dialogue is said. They would be useful as the reader of the script would be able to understand the atmosphere and the state that the character is in.
For rewrites, the only thing I would take out would be the scene with Dr. Lions and the prostitutes. I think, as he is the central villain, he should be remembered that way and there shouldn’t be any feelings of remorse for him. This will also boost Rebecca’s character as the audience will side with her more for killing the villain. Overall though, the characters are very well portrayed and the plot comes across very sinister to make this script very tense and full of drama.
by kenpro2 on 05/05/2010I'm always up for a good horror movie and thought that this was going to be one of them. The concept of a serial killing plastic surgeon certainly has potential. It started out interesting and got right into the kill which I feel is very important to any horror flick. Either grab the audience with blood or nudity before page five and they'll be hooked. As I read on, I found... I'm always up for a good horror movie and thought that this was going to be one of them. The concept of a serial killing plastic surgeon certainly has potential. It started out interesting and got right into the kill which I feel is very important to any horror flick. Either grab the audience with blood or nudity before page five and they'll be hooked.
As I read on, I found myself drifting away. The dialogue between Aubree and Rebecca could have been shortened and still been able to establish their characters. I did find some of their banter amusing but was still way too long.
By then end of the script, I was not really feeling any empathy for the protagonist. She had great potential in the beginning but really lost me when she kidnapped the receptionist and slept with her dead sister's fiance. Totally not cool. The fact that Dane was a police officer and allowed her to continue in her obvious "illegal" actions stretched the "suspension of disbelief" concept way beyond its boundaries.
Here are a few suggestions which I believe would make this low-budget flick just a bit better.
Dane is not a cop. He doesn't need to be a cop. He basically does absolutely no police work in the script so changing that would hurt nothing. Make him submissive to Aubree in the first couple of scenes. This way, I could believe that he would follow Rebecca's sceme.
Nix the sex scene between Rebecca and Dane. I'm all for sex scenes in horror flicks. There's usually at least one. But not those two. It's a bit taboo and in bad taste.
Rebecca could be some sort of computer geek. This would give her the research abilities to find out about the missing women. Also, it gives Dr. Lions a reason to be captivated by all her potential. You know, glasses...pimples...ponytail. Geek.
On pg 78 there is a transition which states only "hallway" and is very confusing. Is that in his office or in his house? Either way, it's unnecessary.
The ending is fine with Rebecca's new trophies but to really make it creepy and show just how far she's gone over the deep end, include Dane's and Aubree's in there too. Just a thought.
And please, cut back on the dialogue. Show it, don't say it. At 104 pages and most horror movies running around 90, you certainly have a lot of room to play with. And more kill scenes. More blood is better in genre like this.
I hope some of this is helpful.
by WDohle on 04/19/2010This review is written for the screenwriter addressed to the screenwriter. As such, I subdivided my comments into plot, dialogue, description, and general comments. I wrote these comments as I read through the screenplay. General impression I loved your screenplay! What an amazingly intense story. It kept me reading the entire way through. The plot was well developed... This review is written for the screenwriter addressed to the screenwriter. As such, I subdivided my comments into plot, dialogue, description, and general comments. I wrote these comments as I read through the screenplay.
I loved your screenplay! What an amazingly intense story. It kept me reading the entire way through. The plot was well developed and, accept for a few loose ends discussed in the plot section, very well put together.
Personally I hope it becomes a movie or something. It would be amazing!
I hope you find these comments helpful as you complete your next rewrite.
• Great beginning scene with the doctor! Wow! You got me wanting more right away!
• I didn’t expect Aubree to die so soon! Oh my gosh! I was just starting to get to know her when she dies 20 pages into the script!(Good action on the beheading her part, though)
• Excellent story line! Wow! You really know how to keep me riveted to the page! Way to go with the plot! Especially through pgs. 40!
• Page 45... After the “Knock at the door” does Dr. Lyons open the door? Or not? It appears like he does but you never say that.
• 47-49... Not sure if I believe Rebecca does that to Dr. Lyons. Doesn’t seem much provocation. Maybe Dr. Lyons could appear a little MORE crazy?? Or even threaten her a little?? Just a couple ideas.
• p. 67... with Rebecca trying to kiss Dane. This seemed so out of place to me. Here they are, mourning the death of their friends, and Rebecca tries to kiss her sister’s fiancé? Doesn’t make sense. Same thing goes for 73-74. What kind of sister is she that, once her sister is dead, she makes a move right away at her fiancé? Not good! And sleeping with him!? That sister is really sick. Maybe if you had made a comment earlier with Rebecca saying that her sister’s fiancé was cute or something but as it stands right now, the attraction comes out of no where and it makes them both look very bad.
• I really don’t understand the Blonde and the Redhead (p. 74) and what they have to do with the story at all. I understand the doctor is a crazy genius and that his brother does strange things with the bodies, but I never saw this scene coming. It was almost like you thought: “I need some tits in my movie...” and inserted this scene in there. Doesn’t fit in with the main plot of the story.
• I love how Rebecca gets revenge. She turns a little crazy herself, doesn’t she? Maybe a little more foreshadowing of this wouldn’t make it seem like it happens out of the blue.
• What’s the point of having Charm cuss so much at the beginning. It feels like cussing for cussin’s sake!
• For the most part, all of your dialogue is pretty realistic. I can actually hear the characters talk like that.
• Caution: The introduction of Aubree’s scar doesn’t fit. And how Aubree reacts to it being shown doesn’t fit with what she said before. Maybe change that a bit.
• Also... watch grammar stuff. Especially on pg. 17. Your should be you’re. And “way to cool” should be “way too cool.” Just little things like that.
• I’m confused. On pg. 21 you say that Dane DOESN’T know about the scar...but earlier Rebecca moved her hair and showed him the scar. Both of these can’t be true.
• I like the voiceover on p. 62. Very dramatic. Maybe read over the words that Sunshine says a couple times and see if it makes sense. “Every face that he fixes becomes a complete(?) Work of art? Or a perfect work of art? There’s a difference in the wording.
• Need more description of Dr. Lion’s expression than: “His face says it all.”
• What does it mean when you say that Rebecca “Loves Life”? Don’t understand what that would look like.
• Is it HANDSOME MAN or MR. HANDSOME. You introduce the same person two different ways, I think. Or are they different people? (p. 10)
• You need to describe people for what they look like and use details too. I can see where you’re coming from with most of the descriptions, but I want to know what these people look like TO YOU as well. More physical descriptions and less about what’s going on in people’s heads.
• You need to firmly introduce new characters too. They just sorta appear in your script. Like Dane on p. 41. I wondered: Who’s Dane? And why did he just suddenly appear? Need more description too of what they are looking like AT THE TIME.
• Need to know what the people look like even when they’re sneaking up on her. I didn’t catch that the Assistant had a surgical mask on until he was right on top of her on p. 51.
• Need to check when you’re capitalizing names and such. Introducing Boss you didn’t capitalize his name when he first comes on the scene.(P. 6)
• Page 41 Rebecca and Dane are sitting at the table talking...and then it says “Living Room”. Did they get up and move? Did they walk into the room? What happened? Need more explanation of people’s movements...especially this one.
• Might want to check sentence structure a little bit. On the top of p. 51 where were a bunch of sentences that didn’t really make sense. Sentences that didn’t have a subject and a very. “His hands impenetrable.” was one of them. Remember even in the screenplay you’re telling a story. Make it a story that is pleasant to read AND to watch.
• “Handful” of police ARE still in the office...” Remember basic grammar here. (P. 53)
• You need to tell us what we should be looking at on p. 56. Are we looking at HIM looking at the pictures or the pictures themselves? Should the camera go back and forth from him to the pictures or just remain on him. Remember you’re writing instructions for the Director of Photography too in your script.
• You can’t just write “Dead”. (P. 87) Who’s dead? You try to make a point with these one line sentences but there needs to be a little more there.
• You write a lot of incomplete sentences assuming that we know what you’re talking about. On pg. 93 you write: “Four dolls”. I didn’t get the impression before that there were dolls at the receptionist’s desk. Or were they just placed there? Where did the dolls come from?
• Page 99... you do the same thing. “Bucket full of white liquid.” Is it sitting someplace? Or what?
• You need to put a “THE END” at the end of your piece.
by Dapper Dan on 04/15/2010A well-crafted revenge-themed horror thriller. I can’t find a lot to fault you with here. This script is about as much blood dripping fun as one can have with this type of story. It’s a quick read. Your style is very cinematic and I could clearly see this as a cool date movie or a Friday night netflix rental. The setup with the initial murder and decapitation is nicely done... A well-crafted revenge-themed horror thriller.
I can’t find a lot to fault you with here. This script is about as much blood dripping fun as one can have with this type of story. It’s a quick read. Your style is very cinematic and I could clearly see this as a cool date movie or a Friday night netflix rental.
The setup with the initial murder and decapitation is nicely done. After we’ve been introduced to the Aubree character and come to like her, perhaps even lulled into a false sense of security, we begin to wonder if you’ll actually kill her too as the scenario begins to look awfully familiar and of course (spoiler alert)… you do. Not a complete surprise but a little shocking. Again, nicely done.
The main character Rebecca is likeable enough and it’s fun to watch her slide into a vengence-seeking homicidal lunatic. It’s interesting how her sister is admonishing her early on for not having more of a “killer instinct” with her punches and by the climax she is so filled with rage that we know the villains will be paying dearly.
The final confrontation is visceral and satisfying. I don’t think there’s any particuliar new ground broke here. We’ve seen similar scenarios in similar films before but it is well executed as all the pieces fall together and the mystery of Dr. Lions and his office of horrors is solved.
Your description is good and your action lines solid. You build suspense well and hold our attention with your writing style which provides just enough info without overloading us with pointless detail. This is spot on.
The dialogue reads well and sounds natural. There’s enough wit to keep the lines interesting yet sound like real people talking.
The characters are developed to a degree that lends a shade of reality to the story. That’s always a nice touch when you’re dealing with these types of outlandish concepts like psycho plastic surgeons and deformed plane crash survivors.
There are a few minor logic quibbles like, why doesn’t Doc Lions get the hell out of Dodge when Rebecca escapes with Sunshine instead of sticking around and continuing with business as usual? Afterall, she could just as easily have went to the cops with her evidence. But if we were to pick apart every leap in logic with the horror genre we’d be here for along time.
Anyway, Pretty Faces was a fun read. It’s solidly structured, has appropriately twisted villains and a great pay off ending that doesn’t disappoint. Compared to a lot of B rated horror drivel that’s churned out, this one is aces. read
by fencik on 04/15/2010Featuring a psychopathic plastic surgeon, his monstrous assistant and a feisty heroine in the Pam Grier mold, “Pretty Faces” is, at its best, overcooked campy fun that combines old school horror shtick with latter-day female empowerment gone awry. At its worst, the script suffers from a profound lack of credibility. The screenwriter has made creative choices that often strain... Featuring a psychopathic plastic surgeon, his monstrous assistant and a feisty heroine in the Pam Grier mold, “Pretty Faces” is, at its best, overcooked campy fun that combines old school horror shtick with latter-day female empowerment gone awry. At its worst, the script suffers from a profound lack of credibility.
The screenwriter has made creative choices that often strain and eventually snap the reader’s suspension of disbelief, such as Dane’s whole reaction to the kidnapping and torture of Sunshine (he‘s a cop after all), and the fact that Dr. Lions has avoided even the whiff of suspicion after seventeen of his patients have turned up headless.
What separates classic from camp? “The Silence of the Lambs“ from “The Return of Dr. X”?
One reason why the story of an untested FBI trainee who matches wits with a psychotic cannibal to track down a murderous tailor works so well is because its grounded in reality. If you want readers to become emotionally involved in your characters and situations then their actions and reactions must always seem real, believable, credible.
How do you attain credibility? Write what you know. What you don’t know, research. If you’re going to write about a crazed plastic surgeon, do some research on plastic surgery. Read a book, don’t just watch an episode of “Nip/Tuck.” If one of your main characters is a cop, learn about police procedure, etc.
Look to speed things up in the first thirty pages. Aubree should die closer to page twelve. Lose the Rebecca getting fired scene (what's the point?) and the proposal scene with Dane and Aubree (could be covered with dialogue at bar).
Page 1 - Why intro Charm as “Young Woman”? It’s confusing. The last thing you want to do is confuse the reader, especially right off the bat.
Double-space between sentences, including dialogue.
How old is Charm?
Page 3 - “Beast Of A Man.” Is that the character’s name?
Page 5 - Again, introducing Rebecca as “Young Woman” needlessly complicates things. They’re both young women. Got it.
When first introducing “Boss” his name should appear in all caps.
Page 11 - Slugline should read: “INT. AUBREE’S CAR (MOVING) - DAY.”
Page 13 - Dane proposes to Aubree, but he’s never seen the birthmark on the back of her neck?
“They embrace in the middle of the road.” How did they get in the middle of the road?
Page 15 - “Rebecca waits by the doorway.” Front doorway? Back doorway? Little more detail.
Page 16 - It would probably be more interesting to actually see Rebecca practicing her archery then just hearing about it.
Page 17 - How old is said Bum?
Page 20 - Aubree carries a gun in her own house?
Page 21 - Rebecca’s dialogue should be designate “(V.O.)”
Page 28 - Dr. Lions should be smart enough to take care of Aubree’s car right away, not the next day.
Page 33 - Cop says “You know how this works. We have plenty of time.” What does that mean?
Page 36 - “A headline reads “Missing 23-year-old Woman.” Headlines? Like newspaper headline? I thought she was searching through police records.
Seventeen? Seventeen headless women? What’s the time span? Wouldn’t the police be all over this? What about the media?
Page 54 - Sergeant says to Dane, “You’re a good officer.” Dane’s not an “officer,” he’s a detective. None of the cop stuff in this script feels authentic.
By the way, where does this story take place? Is it in a big city or a small town? Midwest or the coast?
“Dane, in full uniform.” Is Dane a detective or a patrolman? If he’s just a uniformed officer why does he have his own desk?
Page 57 - “Dane stares out into space.” He does that a lot.
Page 63 - Dr. Lion’s process for preserving his “art” wouldn’t work if you removed the skull, especially if the patient/victim had a nose job.
Page 66 - “She’s been dead to me for a long time.” How many days since Aubree's death?
“It’s time to get the police involved.” They can arrest Rebecca for kidnapping and torturing Sunshine. Isn’t Dane a cop?
Page 86 - “You know how I know he doesn’t love you? You’re not in his cabinet.” Good line.
Page 92 - “The Assistant thrusts his naked body up and down…” Creepy.
by crowovw on 04/09/2010I thought this story was pretty good, almost reminded me of a old horror film called waxwork, a bit of a different concept but every time Mr. Handsome would come out and talk to people I thought of waxwork when the guy would come out and tell people,"would you like a closer look". And he would get people to come in his art museum. There were a few errors I noticed in the punctuation,... I thought this story was pretty good, almost reminded me of a old horror film called waxwork, a bit of a different concept but every time Mr. Handsome would come out and talk to people I thought of waxwork when the guy would come out and tell people,"would you like a closer look". And he would get people to come in his art museum. There were a few errors I noticed in the punctuation,
On page 31 and 100.
On 100 when you said, sweeping his leg you don't need a pause there and I might be wrong but I don't think its the correct punctuation mark you were using throughout the story.
But overall this was a interesting and entertaining story, it also kinda reminded me of house of 1,000 corpses. If Rob Zombie ever read this, I'm sure he'd jump on it. read
by Dilburtus on 04/04/2010Concept An evil-doctor horror concept where the grief-striken sister of a victim suspects the doctor's guilt and goes about pursuit/revenge. There are many such examples in film history but the unfolding motivations behind the antags in movies like "The Flesh And The Fiends" or the "Doctor Phibes" is one of the most important angles to master. Story Okay, so there's absolutely... Concept
An evil-doctor horror concept where the grief-striken sister of a victim suspects the doctor's guilt and goes about pursuit/revenge. There are many such examples in film history but the unfolding motivations behind the antags in movies like "The Flesh And The Fiends" or the "Doctor Phibes" is one of the most important angles to master.
Okay, so there's absolutely nothing wrong with telling a story with an old concept... however, it is really critical that the entire thing retain an air of believability. This was one thing lacking in this SP.
So we have a bad guy, an evil doctor, who is doing these horrible things (fine) and the protag - the sister of a victim - who starts to cotton on to him (also fine). But then when her worst suspicions are confirmed, we are confronted with the fact that the protag chooses to deal with the whole matter herself. As an idea, there is nothing wrong with this. However, we need far more motivation on the part of the protag to want/need to do so. Ditto with the antag - we need to believe just why he is doing these terrible things.
Also... and this is fairly minor but pretty key... a brilliant plastic surgeon is unlikely to rely on a mall greeter to hand out business cards to tout surgical prowess. And certainly not just this one handsome guy. And certainly not have him pick and choose only attractive women who fall for the schpiel and are made to believe in same-day service. None of the victims even inquire about cost; they just head on over to the clinic asap and are never heard from again.
Lastly, an evil doctor is unlikely to perfect a woman's face with cheek implants and rhinoplasty... to then admire the subsequent perfection and want to remove the entire face for preservation. Then you're back to just skin (I would imagine) and whatever improvements were made are totally lost. Never mind that the surgeries themselves are unlikely to be planned/executed/healed in a matter of days.
These were just okay. In all honesty, the protag (Rebecca) wasn't a 3-D character... yes, she had goals and weaknesses, but wanting to execute a leg sweep or hit three consecutive bulls-eyes in archery aren't much when we're dealing with caring about someone. As for the villain, arguably *the* most important character in a horror story of this kind, Dr. Lions was totally passive. He stayed in his office, did his evil thing, did not run when obviously discovered by Rebecca and continued in his evil ways... he did nothing to proactively take care of Rebecca, merely put up with her antics when she dropped in.
I would prefer the Doc to have a believable motivation that would fuel his "evil"... of course there are victims but rather than desire some exotic collection, perhaps have his wife still be alive somewhere... and he strenuously believes he can find a cure or something. When Peter Cushing was killing women left and right in these old Hammer House of Horror movies, it didn't matter if (say) harvesting pituitary glands (or whatever it was) made any medical sense. We "got" what he was up to - it makes no difference if the actual science makes any sense, just that we believed that it somehow did.
This is probably the major area needing improvement IMHO. I had no trouble with a p101 SP, but p35 for the end of act 1 and p88 for the end of act 2 are both pretty late. I'm really not one of those this-plot-point-has-to-happen-on-page-x kinda people, but by not sticking close to the general guideline (25% and 75%) there's an added opportunity of missing character development. What's happening in this SP is that act 1 overstays its welcome. Aubrey needs to become a victim *and* Rebecca needs to decide to pursue the Doctor by around a quarter of the way thru... then spend all of act 2 unfolding the protag's (Rebecca) investigation and action.
Act 1 should be spent with the protag believing that Lions is guilty but she can't prove it... or nobody will believe her. So she has no other choice but to do a Sherlock and find out for herself. And the horrible reveal of what Lions was doing should all be in act 3 - right now that's all in the midpoint where it's much too early IMHO.
A little clunky here and there but frankly this only gets better and better with subsequent rewrites. Right now a lot of the characters say exactly what is on their minds and so in the long-term, more subtext is called for in this SP.
It would probably be a good idea to leave this SP up for a while and get a good cross-section of opinions. In any event, don't just take my word for it, even if I happen to believe this one needs a ton of work to hone it into shape.
I happen to be one of those people who doesn't really care as to whether anyone would show up at the cinema to watch a movie around an individual SP... this is supposed to be a workshop where writers fashion their storytelling abilities and nothing more. I would probably review a story about a women walking her dog on the beach if necessary.
So for what it's worth - don't believe anyone who criticizes originality or whatever. As far as I'm concerned, it's the writing/execution that matters, even if we've seen it all before.
What we have here is a basic story that needs all those plot holes filled... and then possibly have some of it reworked to render a fresh take on some angle of the story... perhaps around the protag or the antag. Some people can pull of doing everything in the first or second draft, but I'm sure it's not easy.
And for sure there's no hurry - the crafting process has to be lovingly executed, in whatever time it takes. So just like whittling a piece of wood to shape it into something pretty and worthy of display, return to the basics of the story unfolding here... and then rework/rewrite/revise. But remember to have fun because some of that will shine thru.
Some additional notes which may prove useful. Obviously I don't need answer to any of these, they just cropped-up and took me out of the story during the read itself. Thanks for the read and best of luck with your writing!
p1 It's going to be tough to know the first victim is Young when her face is completely wrapped in bandages.
p2/3 Boy, this first victim (Charm) is a real b*tch - either she's hyper on coffee or else we're going to want to see her get victimized. No indication in the action that she is in any way coming on to the good Doctor, so the dialogue felt odd.
p4 with out him s/b without him (typo)
p5 YOUNG WOMAN again. Obviously a different one to that of p1. I suggest you begin to use her real name asap or else think of something else (eg. Leggy Blond) if we're never going to see them again.
p11 like's my nose s/b likes (typo)
p16 Way to cool s/b too cool (typo)
p48 Rebecca peaks around the corner s/b peeks (typo)
p41 Rebecca:Did they find her? Seems a really stupid question... she's now been talking to the fiancee Dane for a while now and Aubrey's disappearance is obviously the only thing on their minds.
p51 no where to be found s/b nowhere (typo)
p53 Dane is both a regular uniformed cop (eg. traffic) and also a plain-clothes detective. Sorry, but I'm not buying it.
p59/60 I just can't get over wanting to know the reason why it is okay for Rebecca to kidnap & torture Sunshine the receptionist. Yes, she *might* have vital info but why doesn't the protag just hand her off to the cops? Why aren't they already raiding the doctor's offices? Why isn't the doctor already on the proverbial run?
p67 Dane: We're dealing with a mass murderer. No - a serial killer is not the same as a mass murderer. A cop would know that.
p72 You're fiancee died s/b your (typo)
p88 face void of expression s/b devoid (typo)
p90/94 an arrow pierces his hear and he's barely alive? And still manages to talk? Wasn't buying this (sorry.) Ditto the slit throat and the subsequent chit-chat dialogue despite this wound.
p98 Kill her bother s/b Kill her, brother (missing punctuation)
by Jeanpierre_4_25 on 03/15/2010We don't know she's young if her face is wrapped up. They want to get a birthmark on the back of their neck removed? Hm... that's strange. Why would Aubree first get upset at her boyfriend pulling her over and second, actually do what he tells her to do? If she knows him well enough to say yes to engagement, she would be talking smack the entire time, fully aware that he... We don't know she's young if her face is wrapped up.
They want to get a birthmark on the back of their neck removed? Hm... that's strange.
Why would Aubree first get upset at her boyfriend pulling her over and second, actually do what he tells her to do? If she knows him well enough to say yes to engagement, she would be talking smack the entire time, fully aware that he is joking. I thought that entire scene was strange. No one would take their significant other seriously in that situation.
What Rebecca did to see if Dane found the birthmark repulsive was nice. I like that. Aubree disliking it definitely fits her personality.
Rebecca jumping when Dane put his hand on her shoulder was weird. I hope that means something later, and wasn't supposed to be a "DUM-DUM!" ~part. The hand on the shoulder with the music has been used to death.
"Your sister tells me your a pro" You meant to say "you're" the second time.
The window slam... Another thing that has been done. Why not actually show the homeless man running the long distance from her rear view mirror. She may or may not notice him, and go from there. That subtle creepiness is what's really scary now.
I don't know if you did it on purpose or not, but when Rebecca was at the range, you revealed that she was doing the competition on the last sentence. You didn't mention a crowd before that, so I naturally assumed she was practicing. I liked that, but you should have said A CROWD instead of THE CROWD.
I like that Aubree didn't sit in the chair. She's uncomfortable and she's not afraid to show it.
I find it hard to believe that a killer would leave a bloody rag in the room. Especially in his profession. He is a surgeon after all. No matter what the case is, his room would be spotless.
Aubree's reaction isn't over the top on her part, but the doctor would have kept face for a little while longer. His eyes would have darted at the door where his enormous assistant lies, but I think he would have tried to calm her down first. There would have at least been a brief pause before he said "that's too bad, you don't have a choice now" The whole scene seemed rushed. But I did like that the assistant was right there. That would have been creepy. Like this scene from Texas chainsaw massacre.
What is up with these names? Princess, Sunshine, Mr. Handsome, and you had another one earlier. That is weird. I understood sunshine. That may be an alias, but these other people are taking me out the story.
I like how you didn't have Rebecca absolutely sure she saw her car.
"Did you see anyone held against their own will" definitely not realistic. She would have said "...anything strange" but that's as far as it would've gotten.
Hm... I'm not feeling the motivation. Rebecca just jumped on the conclusion that the surgeon did it. While I watch the movie, I would be wondering the entire time, why?
I'm glad you mentioned to call the tow companies. I was about to say something about that. I would think they did that first, before the montage. So she's absolutely positive before storming up to Lions' office.
Is Rebecca really going crazy? "She's been going there for months and she's still alive?" Not realistic. A person will start doubting themselves. Okay, let's say she doesn't. The statement would have only been "for months?" And cut scene.
That entire Princess scene was... Out of place. If she's that upset, why try and get Rebecca's attention? What is Princess doing there? Why doesn't she go in the building after the model goes in, rather than trying to get the "crazy" lady's attention? I think that whole scene should be cut, or maybe have Rebecca watching her go in.
"She hasn't talked to you yet has she?" Should be "she hasn't called you yet has she?" I think Rebecca would have asked "why do you think she would call me and not you" then Dane shrugs, implying that she might have ran off because of the proposal.
Ha! "It's a town full of Harmony's and Charisma's." I like that you mentioned that. The only problem is, we've only heard Sunshine's name being spoken. The reader only knows the other names. Not the viewer.
Too many things wrong.
-- People will notice all these women missing. Aren't these women telling anyone that they are getting plastic surgery done?
-- Why would the doctor keep the heads in the office? Doesn't he go home?
-- Why is the assistant so hesitant to get her? Doesn't he know the heads are in the closet? Why let her open the door?
-- At last, the biggest problem of them all... Rebecca placing Sunshine in the trunk and driving AWAY! Why didn't she call the police? I cringed at that. The audience will cringe at that.
I like the sergeant's words about "never seeing a jail cell"
Okay, she took Sunshine to her house for answers. Even though I think the police would have gotten it out of her, I can understand. She wants it to be personal.
What... the assistant USES the bodies after the surgeon is done with them? That is so disgusting in the best way. That was good. Nice touch.
He asked this girl to marry him, but he doesn't know about her parents? Not likely. Or he would say "she refused to tell me"
"I'm surrounded by heroes and there's me" I can't image those words really coming out of a grown woman's mouth.
"She's been dead to me for a long time" Don't think he would word it like that. It seems cold. I know it's what you were going for but again, unrealistic.
Dan's sergeant told him he wouldn't mind if he killed the guy. Why doesn't Dan round up three or four other officers and go kill the guy?
She goes for a kiss? I don't see that really happening.
So Sunshine didn't know he was killing them? You led us to believe she did.
Okay, you explained why Dane doesn't want to kill the surgeon. I take my comment back.
They kiss... his fiancee's head is in a glass case. And her corpse is being violated by a man, probably as they speak. But he finds time to kiss her? You should take that out.
They had sex? If you say so...
Dr. Lion would not still be in his office. He would have vacated immediately.
I just finished it. Your third acts needs a complete make over. Too much. I understand she went crazy. But crazy enough to put her sister's face on? Also, Dr. Lions throat was cut. I think you forgot about that. You mentioned that he gargled his words, but he had an entire speech. He would have been dead.
The entire story line about his wife... it was irrelevant.
This story needs work, work, work. Good luck.
by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 03/14/2010A fun script to read, very well-written and easy to follow. You have script formatting down, and it's such a relief to read something that flows so well and doesn't leave the reader confused. By just reading the script, I see so many ways I can improve my own writing. I like the concept a lot as well: Nicest girl in the world is confronted by the most ridiculously insane/violent/mind-numbing/traumatic... A fun script to read, very well-written and easy to follow. You have script formatting down, and it's such a relief to read something that flows so well and doesn't leave the reader confused. By just reading the script, I see so many ways I can improve my own writing.
I like the concept a lot as well: Nicest girl in the world is confronted by the most ridiculously insane/violent/mind-numbing/traumatic circumstances possible, and comes out on top.
But I think there are a good amount of plot holes and unnecessary scenes that might annoy the audience and become a turn-off.
For instance, Rebecca is a unique main character, and I think your idea to make her out to be 'nicest woman imaginable' works. But she jumps between extremes. At one point, she goes through Hell just to capture photos and evidence from Dr. Lions' Surgery. She even kidnaps the receptionist. But before that, she was shaking with fear inside her own locked car with a homeless person banging on her window. I understand the appeal of making someone go from coward to Braveheart in one fail swoop, and I understand there's a burst of motivation to avenge her sister, but unless this is a superhero movie, it should be somewhat believable and plausible. Let insanity overcome her. Make it so Dane can't even reason with her, or at least make it harder for him to dissuade her from going renegade.
One part of this script really really bothers me. It's the whole series of bits where Sunshine is tied up it the basement. So she has to pee. Why did Rebecca clean up the urine? She already kidnapped and beat the living crap out of her. And to add to that, they were going to let her go? Rebecca's kindness shouldn't cause her to make foolish decisions like these. She should retain a cleverness and awareness that wins the admiration and respect of the viewing audience.
Plus, if Rebecca's going to slaughter the entire staff of Lion's surgery, cut off their faces and preserve them in a trophy space, she shouldn't her quest to do so should be devoid of any sense of pity and hesitation. There's no need to argue with Sunshine, or even listen to Dr. Lion's final testimony.
I also think that you should tie in Aubrie's words of advice to Rebecca's actions a little more clearly. In the beginning, Aubrie tells Rebecca that there are bad people out there. Make it a constant, well-defined struggle between Rebecca's own faint-hearted nature and her desire to adopt the conviction her sister has always had.
I think the dialogue needs more punch too. Like this bit:
So what have you been up to Becky?
Not much I guess. I’ve got the
Bow-masters coming up.
Bow-masters, that’s archery right?
Yeah. Kind of nervous.
You shouldn’t be. Your sister tells
me your a pro.
I don’t know about pro. Adequate
Dane touches her arm.
You’re gonna do great.
This whole dialogue reveals so much--that she's dedicated to a (potentially deadly) hobby, that Dane cares about her (wink wink), that she lacks confidence. But it's bland right now. This whole exchange could use some serious beefing up. You gotta dissect bits like these (no matter how short) and make the overall flow more captivating and exciting and dynamic.
by Jayberwock on 03/07/2010I love horror movies. What you've got here is a revenge/exploitation flick with slight nods to Dario Argento and I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE. Rebecca and her sister have identical birthmarks. Her sister is ashamed of hers and goes to a surgeon on advice of a barker/marksman who hucksters victims in the mall. The surgeon keeps a deformed monster, and on perfect completion, kills... I love horror movies. What you've got here is a revenge/exploitation flick with slight nods to Dario Argento and I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE.
Rebecca and her sister have identical birthmarks. Her sister is ashamed of hers and goes to a surgeon on advice of a barker/marksman who hucksters victims in the mall. The surgeon keeps a deformed monster, and on perfect completion, kills his patients and preserves their heads in a display cabinet, giving the "leftovers" to the monster for necrophiliac purposes. The sister is killed with some type of backwards guillotine device that I wasn't really sure about from the description -- somehow the necks are slammed onto a stationary blade like a Sweeney Todd contraption. Rebecca ends up kidnapping the receptionist and with reluctant assistance of her sister's fiancee Dane, who is also a cop, tortures information out of her, then ends up taking revenge and making her own display cabinet out of the perpetrators.
My major problem is the whole script is right on the nose, and there is no depth that could be provided by a B-story, suspense, satire, or irony...which is why it kind of lands in the "schlock" zone along with those 80s VCR horror movies like MICROWAVE MASSACRE and WIZARD OF GORE. The horror is "oh my god he keeps the heads...and here they all are!" There's nothing here to really justify any of the violence or mayhem other than to tweak the nipples of people who are into or torture and gore. Not that there isn't a market for this kind of thing, but there are other things that keep this script from doing anything interesting with the genre.
The through-line of the story is really on the surface. There's nothing to break away to. A whole scene at the beginning is "here's the protagonist...and she's fired...and here's the next scene where they talk about her being fired." There's nothing else much in the story but killer surgeon and his crew, then the sister takes revenge. All the women besides the protagonists are crude and shallow. You miss an opportunity to comment on vanity and the beauty industry. The killer does it because he wasn't able to save his wife's visage from a plane crash and he's taking revenge on those who don't deserve his talent.
If I had to doctor this - it needs suspense. Maybe the doctor is obvious but it's Sunshine. Maybe it's set with aspiring girls in a "make me a model" competition where they're all in a remote Italian villa and as they are eliminated one girl finds it odd that their luggage and clothes remain in the cellar. I don't want to know who the killer is and what's happening in the first scene because it makes the rest of the story pedestrian, and the concept is too over the top to be a procedural. The reveal with your faces in the cabinet is the OHMYGOD moment and you want to save it.
I think you are good at dialogue, and I think your impulse is to *overwrite* it and tell the story through that instead of action. We need to see stuff happen as opposed to being told about it, or having stuff we've seen or will see described in detail.
Reading notes below. They tended to repeat after the first 20 pages so they thin out.
1. Indicate that YOUNG WOMAN is Charm. It didn't connect at first.
A face wrapped in bandages. This is CHARM.
2. "His face says it all"...maybe, but in the script I don't know what this means since Charm is distressed by it.
3. "I just came in
to get the bandages removed. "
4. I'm not sure if I understand exactly the "medium sized wooden stand" with a curved blade. Is it some kind of reverse guillotine? A stationary blade that the victims neck is pushed into?
5. Character intros could be a little more clever instead of telling.
Firing is abrupt. "She watches her replacement flirt her way to the top" is telling. "Are you gonna be a victim for the rest of your life" is on the nose.
You could skip right to the gym and we'd infer everything in that scene.
9 You don't need to tell mr Mr Handsome is handsome and suave if his name is Mr Handsome.
11 "Dane likes my nose" - not like's.
12. Intro of Dane - you can show this instead of telling.
13. Would a driver really yell "get out of the fucking road" at a cop?
17. Watch directing in wrylies. (begging; sarcastic) is obvious from her line.
44. Why would a doctor knock on one of his exam rooms?
48 "peeks" not peaks
91. "matter" not mater read
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