Reviews of Pride 3

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  An admirable stab at a tough concept
  A review of Pride
  by MrObvious on 08/07/2006
  When I first read the logline, I was a bit put off. Today it is so hard to read a script based on good and evil...true good and evil...without getting religion involved. As I read this script I was pleased at your ability to include ideas such as faith, desire to want to learn, and belief in an idea and avoid putting in religious dogma that follows every religion out there... When I first read the logline, I was a bit put off. Today it is so hard to read a script based on good and evil...true good and evil...without getting religion involved. As I read this script I was pleased at your ability to include ideas such as faith, desire to want to learn, and belief in an idea and avoid putting in religious dogma that follows every religion out there. It is a tough bull to wrangle. I will start off by saying the script had good structure. You were able to squeeze the proper pressure points in acts one and two to keep me interested and keep the story flowing in ebbs and tides. There was an inciting incident that propelled the story along within the first page! As well, the overall story was worth reading to find out what the payoff was, in the end. I really liked Gabriel and found myself rooting for Daniel, though I had a predisposed idea of what would happen to him. Finally, I enjoyed the plot twist at the end, making it not so predictable, and showing that even the greatest of people, or angels (Gabriel), can be weak in some aspect or another. Finally, I liked the fact that when the overall war in the end was finished, it was only one of the seven that would occur...that made me somewhat excited to see how the others would fair as well.
  Now, with all that being said, there were definite issues. First and foremost, were typos and tenses issues. There were too many to count, but it is always good to have someone else edit your writing once done. Another pair of eyes are always good, that way your script doesn't lose its objectivity. Second, I had trouble with your protagonist. He was cocky and arrogant in the beginning, and this continued throughout the script until it was almost absurd and gloaty in the end. This took away from his credibility. Another issue was he didn't seem to have a lot of inner conflict and thus was driven by the motto "I do, because I must do". This left me feeling emotionally detached from the main character. If he would have had some sort of emotional ties to what was happening (loss of a family member, loved one, etc.) I would have cared more for him, but unfortunately he didn't and my care for him felt short. Sure, he had a troubled childhood, but the current problems he faced never led him to want to go back to his childhood and fix the problem, all it did was lead him back to the orphanage and re-remember everything. This doesn't fix the issue, or solve inner conflict.
  As well, I think Gareth was a good character, but Ian is unneeded overall. He brings nothing to the script that can't happen elsewhere.
  As far as dialogue is concerned, I saw two issues...(1)It was generic and predictable. I felt like whatever they talked about, and the way they talked about things was basic. (2) The dialogue was incredibly tongue-in-cheek. You wrote every single thing the people were thinking, stripped down to the most simple form. This leaves nothing for the imagination. Now I know, as a writer, dialogue comes to some easier than others. I, as a writer have a problem with dialogue...Tarantino does not. It is something that needs practice continuously...no one wants to hear someone in a movie talk like they do every single day, they want something memorable...I'd like to give Christopher Walken's character, or Gary Oldman's in True Romance as examples. These scenes are short and witty, enthralling, and once you've heard them, you can't easily forget. This is the type of dialogue needed to make a script memorable. When the dialogue, OR plot points become predictable, the story becomes forgettable. As a writer, you want to steer clear of that. So be as original with your storyline as with your idea as with your dialogue. I was annoyed that John ended up in jail and got back out...or ended up at the police station three times in the script and kept getting back out. It was like a triangle of tedium. He went from home to jail to church to home to jail to church to jail to newfound home...you get the idea. I'm sure there are other locations you can come up with if you give it some thought. Overall I DO think the script has great potential - I really like the concept, but a lot of things need changing first. I'd start with giving John an inner conflict that should be resolved by the end of the script (this could be the faith issue, but it never felt like it was resolved either...he kept doing, because if not, others would die. That's not enough to stir emotion in an audience or give the protagonist true emotional depth). Next, overlapping that, the issue you already have with Gabriel and the neverending war. Then, the questions that are most important that must be resolved. Good luck, and write well. read
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  pride
  A review of Pride
  by tarboy on 12/20/2005
  1) I, should be CAPITALIZE 2) REMOVE, “ing� from the script John is sitting John sits John is freaking out, and is pacing wildly. John freaks John is staring like a crazy man, preparing to explode. John stares They are walking hurriedly They walk hurriedly 3) CAPITALIZE the NAMES of the characters 4) Page 64 Neither Gareth or Ian turn around. Suspicion in the... 1) I, should be CAPITALIZE
  
  2) REMOVE, “ing� from the script
  John is sitting
  John sits
  
  John is freaking out, and is pacing wildly.
  John freaks
  
  John is staring like a crazy man, preparing to explode.
  John stares
  
  They are walking hurriedly
  
  They walk hurriedly
  
  
  3) CAPITALIZE the NAMES of the characters
  
  4) Page 64
  Neither Gareth or Ian turn around. Suspicion in the cop turns to immediate recognition of the two suspects.
  
  They immediately see Ian’s car pulling up.
  
  Ian is not there. This is suppose to be Neither Gareth or John.
  
  5)
  The policeman is in plain clothes, but his uniformed demeanor is unmistakable. The policeman is Sam Preston.
  
  There are quite a few of these paragraphs that are un-necessary.
  
  6)
  Won’t and Can’t are missing commas.
  
  There are quite a few typos but they didn’t stop me from wanting to read the script. Visually the script looks beautiful. The battle between good and bad is always a good one. I find your writing to be very good. Your work is tight and put together nicely.
  The structure is good throughout without too much lag. Dialogue was great throughout. Overall a good effort and I shall be marking it so! Good luck with it! -- read
• 
  Pride
  A review of Pride
  by cane49 on 12/11/2005
  Overall, I'd say it was an interesting read. Not my cup of tea, but I'll give you credit for a job well done. Let's get to it, shall we? First of all, I'd convert a copy to a Word. doc and do a spell/grammar check. Even without that, is there a reason for not capping your 'i's ? That was kind of annoying. You write quite a bit on what characters are thinking. How does a camera... Overall, I'd say it was an interesting read. Not my cup of tea, but I'll give you credit for a job well done.
  Let's get to it, shall we? First of all, I'd convert a copy to a Word. doc and do a spell/grammar check. Even without that, is there a reason for not capping your 'i's ? That was kind of annoying.
  You write quite a bit on what characters are thinking. How does a camera film thought?
  It's not a real problem, but you're not originally from N.Y. are ya, mate? The Brit comes out in your writing.
  Pg.49. They're on the roof of their apartment building. They climb down to the alley using a dumpster. That's one tall dumpster. Didn't these bloke's live on the 10th floor?
  Around pg.55 you begin writing dialogue and action in past tense. John looked. John ran. John sank. Why? John looks. John runs. John sinks.
  On page 60 you do the opposite. Garrett tells his mates stories of what happened. Past tense. "I see cars being thrown..." should be "I saw cars being thrown."
  Like I said, it's not my cup of tea, but with a little tweaking, you may find a market for this. Good luck. read