Reviews of Project Jingle Bell 18

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  Critique of : PROJECT JINGLE BELL
  A review of Project Jingle Bell
  by brookline on 04/30/2012
  My name is Frances Beckham. I volunteered to critique the screenplay PROJECT JINGLE BELL by RALPH JENSEN. After reading the critique, please send me your feedback. INTRODUCTION The first 10 to 15 pages of a script must do the following. 1. Hook the reader 2. Introduce the main characters 3. Introduce the plot Following is a list of questions that the first 10 to 15 pages... My name is Frances Beckham. I volunteered to critique the screenplay PROJECT JINGLE BELL by RALPH JENSEN. After reading the critique, please send me your feedback.
  
  INTRODUCTION
  
  The first 10 to 15 pages of a script must do the following.
  1. Hook the reader
  2. Introduce the main characters
  3. Introduce the plot
  Following is a list of questions that the first 10 to 15 pages must answer.
  
  1. Has the stage and environment been clearly set?
  Yes. The setting is modern and urban.
  
  2. Does the script open with a gripping event?
  Well, yes. Kind of. The griping event is Fr. Andrews dream of Christ and Lucifer. Labeling this scene as a dream takes away the effect a gripping even for this particular script. I think it would be more effective if the script opens with the dream scene, but make it an actual event instead of a dream. Clarify the deal between Christ and Lucifer. What is it? We know what is at stake. Another thing. Perhaps using Christ and Lucifer may be a bit too much. The reader might get a hands off attitude. It would be more attracting to use Angels and Demons like in the old movie CABIN IN THE SKY(I suggest watching this movie for reference). Fantasy and sifi novels and movie use angels and demons instead of Christ and Lucifer. In Japanese anime exorcists priest, the holy figures, and oni - meaning demon (the evil figure) are used.
  The setting where Christ and Lucifer are is too ordinary. Use your imagination here. Make it some extraordinary place. When the scene ends, then introduce Fr. Andrew.
  
  3. Does the script answer: Why is today different than any other day for the main character?
  Well for Kate it does. But not for the other characters.
  
  4. Is the story in progress?
  It is hard to tell at this point. This introduction is basically introducing the various main characters. For this reason it would be a good idea to allow the dream to be an actual event and the first scene in the movie, and plainly state the deal.
  
  5. Is there an event about to occur or that just occurred provocative enough for the reader to ask: what is going to happen next?
  Well, it appears that something concerning the ‘project’ is going to happen.
  
  6. Is it clear who the protagonist is and what his or her needs or desires are?
  Yes. Fr. Andrew is the protagonist. His need is to have the project be successful, I presumed.
  
  
  7. Has what is at stake for the protagonist been set up?
  Yes.
  
  8. Have I presented or foreshadowed the antagonist and major conflict?
  Yes
  
  
  9. Is the genre clear and consistent?
  Yes. It’s sifi
  
  
  *********************************************************************
  
  STORY DEVELOPMENT
  Following is a list of questions to answer after completing the script.
  
  1. Does the script have a unique twist?
  Well, the unique twist is Jesus comes to help some people to make the right decision about their lives to prevent a great war from happening. I think that’s right.
  
  2. Is the story compelling?
  Well, it was hard to follow. Reading was choppy and lacked smooth flow. There were too many characters to follow. It was really hard trying to figure out what is the story about and what its purpose is. I think you need to work on the plot. Simplify it by taking out the religious context and having less characters. Make the save the world theme more evident.
  Use your imagination more. Give the main Characters something they must do. They help an angel or mystical being. You can keep the personal problems, and their effort to save the world brings about personal growth. There’s just something taboo about using Jesus and Lucifer and the other religious figures. As suggested before, change their characters to fanciful mystical beings.
  
  3. Are the stakes clear?
  No.
  
  4. Is the dramatic clock ticking?
  Well, not really. There is not a sense of urgency or expectation in each scene.
  
  5. Is there a clear subtext?
  Subtext =dialog
  Usually a reader figures out what’s going on just from the dialog without looking at the paragraphs. But no so here. The dialog fails to carry the plot.
  
  7. Are there unexpected occurrences and conflicts that the protagonist must overcome?
  Yes. But they are not compelling enough. The scenes aren’t clear about the save the world theme. The script jumps off on the various characters personal problems. They downplay the save the world theme.
  
  8. Is there over explaining in the story?
  No. You are not explaining enough. I felt lost..
  
  
  9. Does my story continue to build to the climax?
  Well, yes. Kind of. The reader does not get the build up feeling. It is hard to see the plot in the scenes and to see and feel the build up.
  
  CHARACTERS
  
  1. Is there a strong antagonist?
  Yes, but we don’t see much of him, only in the beginning and ending. He should be doing something. Plotting, planning, and carrying out a scheme. Think of the role of the demons in the old Movie Cabin in the Sky”. The demons were constantly setting up schemes to trick Little Joe, the main character.
  
  2. What do the characters have to gain or lose?
  It is not clear. This needs to be made clear.
  
  3. Are the characters’ journeys clear and compelling?
  No. This needs improving. They don’t even know the world is at stake. They need to know what’s going on between good and evil. They are so unaware.
  
  4. What is the main character’s goal in the story?
  Well. They don’t have goals. Their goals aren’t evident.
  
  5.Are all of the characters unique?
  The characters are unique. There are just too many of them.
  
  Discussion:
  My advice is to work on the plot. Find out how you want the script to end using the end of the world theme. Resolve the end of the world problem and the problems of the main characters. Once you’ve figured out your ending start the beginning and work your way to the ending.
  Cut down the number of characters. Have Kate and Andrew as the leads. Have two mystical fantasy being one good and the other bad. Have just a few supporting characters. Following is some information to help in your rewrite.
  
  When you have time feel free to send me feedback.
  
  Frances
  
  
  ****************************************************************************
  People keep emailing to ask me what a 'story beat' is.
  It's a word I use all the time, and it's a word that people in the industry in the UK use all the time, and it's a word that can be a little bit slippery. It's very simple. A beat means 'Something That Happens'. But, a little like a fractal, a beat can be made up of other, smaller beats. Each of these smaller beats can be made up of other, even smaller beats, then on and on down, seemingly forever.
  For example.
  
  
  
  You could call each of these big story events a beat:
  
  1. John is all alone.
  2. John meets Jane.
  3. John loses Jane.
  4. John wins Jane back.
  5. Wedding.
  
  These are the main plot point making the story. You'd definitely talk at that level of detail when you are
  sketching out the overall shape of a story. Later on, when you're happy that that part of your story definitely runs along those lines, you'd break those five down into more detail.
  Look at beat 4. John wins Jane back. Let's break that down, into a component set of possible beats:
  1. On his way to the match, John runs into Jane. She offers him a lift. Desperate to talk, he calls his friends, says he'll meet them later, and hops into Jane's car.
  2. They row over his football obsession and she kicks him out of the car.
  3. He's stranded. Middle of nowhere, no cabs to be seen.
  4. He calls his friends - they're already inside the ground. He's going to have to make his own way there.
  5. Desperate to get to the match, he flags down a passing bus.
  6. But the bus is full of supporters of the opposing team. They see his team shirt, and close in on him to teach him a lesson.
  7. He wakes up in bed in hospital - to find Jane there. She has been waiting by the bedside, terrified she will lose him.
  8. He takes his chance, she proposes. The shock has shown her she can't live without him, and she accepts gladly.
  And of course, to get to what you'd see on screen, you'd break each of those beats down even further, to yet another, even more detailed set of beats.
  Look at beat 3, "He's stranded", and break it down into yet another set of beats:
  1. John falls out the car, Jane zooms off.
  2. He tries to flag down a passing car. No luck.
  3. He realises there is a bus stop over the road. He runs - misses the bus, which zooms off without him.
  4. John does a war dance of anger and stress.
  5. He looks round. No more traffic in either direction.
  6. He starts to walk.
  So really, what's contained in a beat depends entirely on the level at which you are currently thinking about the story. The way I write involves a great deal of playing around with beats like this, working and reworking a master list of beats I call a beat sheet or more simple 'a scene by scene story outline'. Creating one allows you to visualize the story in sequence and play the whole story out in your head. Then move to writing the actual scenes and dialogue.
  The reason for this more abstract work is that once I've committed to dialogue in a scene I tend to fall in love with the scene, and it becomes much harder to cut, reshape and generally chop the story around - all of which is essential if you're going to find the best possible version of your story.
  
  
  Making A Compelling Main Conflict
  What's the main conflict of your story? Is it a powerful force that engages the emotions of your reader or does it leave them feeling flat and let down?
  
  THE MAIN CONFLICT is one of those areas where a minor improvement can often make a huge difference in the quality of the read. So it is well worth reconsidering that conflict. Let's see if we can make this easy. First, a definition.
  
  CONFLICT:
  1. Opposition between characters or forces in a work of drama or fiction, especially
  opposition that motivates or shapes the action of the plot.
  
  2. A state of disharmony between incompatible or antithetical persons, ideas, or
  interests; a clash.
  
  Basically, whatever your main character wants or needs most is opposed by some "incompatible person or interest" and your main character is motivated to action to fight for their goal/need.
  In JOHN Q, John's son needs a heart transplant, but their HMO won't pay for it. John's need is to save his son's life. The opposition is an insurance company with a loop hole. That is the main conflict.
  
  BTW, I'm not interested in debating the legality or morality of the situation. This is solely about focusing on the conflict of a screenplay.
  
  First, notice how it is already a strong conflict. It has "opposition that motivates or shapes the action of the plot" in that John must take action or watch his son die. Second, notice the stakes -- not John's life, but his son's life. Third, notice the injustice that sets up "disharmony between incompatible interests," an insurance company that John has been paying who refuses to cover this important operation.
  
  Finally, I won't tell you how the movie ends, but in the 2nd Act, John takes a hospital hostage and demands that they do the transplant. They took this to an interesting extreme that was born in the original conflict, but took it to a new level.
  
  WHAT TO DO:
  Since your main conflict is so important, you may want to try a variety of different ways to elevate it. Here are a few techniques you could use to turn an average conflict into an amazing one.
  
  A. Raise the stakes: Increase the value of the conflict. What will be lost if the main character doesn't succeed? For John, it was his son's life. Other stakes could include love, money, property, respect, a lifestyle, a person's honor, family, a dream, a set of beliefs, etc.
  
  Whatever it is, simply brainstorm new levels. A simple football game becomes the champion game. Add some gambling and suddenly, the entire town is on the edge of losing their savings if the team doesn't win. Want to take it farther? The quarterback is threatened with death if he loses. Etc.
  
  B. Make the opposition more incompatible: When the antagonist is a group of terrorist, it is usually because the writer is trying to take the opposition to a completely incompatible edge. But you don't need a terrorist to do that. In fact, someone really close might do a much better job.
  
  From an emotional point of view, it may be that a twin brother who was considered "perfect" by everyone, but had constantly berated and physically abused his brother, might be the best opposition.
  
  In HAPPY GILMORE, Happy was opposed by Shooter McGavin, the top golfer, who was everything that Happy wasn't. As the media became more interested in Happy, Shooter got more hostile. When Happy actually learned to golf, Shooter hired a crazy guy to harass Happy. Shooters primary focus turned into getting Happy off of the golf tour, any way he could.
  
  Remember, here you are just looking for incompatibility. Who would be the most incompatible with your protagonist? Find that person or group and you have added to your conflict.
  C. Have us totally buy into the main character's goal or need: This is important. You need to sell us on the value of that goal or need. We need to see/hear/feel the goal/need. In KARATE KID, the new kid in school doesn't just want to take karate. If that was all it was, most likely, that movie would never have been made.
  
  Instead, the writer has the bully's girlfriend become interested in Daniel. Then, the bully beats Daniel up in front of the girlfriend. If that isn't enough, the bully and four friends surround him in a field and begin beating him... until Mr. Miyagi steps in.
  
  By then, we've bought into the need for Daniel to learn karate. Notice how we saw the need, heard the need, and felt the need.
  
  D. Try on different extremes: Even if you've done the first three, brainstorm this one, also. Why? Because movies are about extreme situations. But, they don't all have to be life or death extremes...
  
  John Q took the hospital hostage. Daniel agreed to fight the bully in a karate tournament in front of everyone. Happy Gilmore bet everything on his ability to beat the top golf professional.
  
  You are simply looking for the best extreme that fits your story. Any one of those four methods can elevate an average conflict to an engaging conflict. But don't just take my word for it. Write down your main conflict and see if it is compelling. If it isn't compelling by itself, go to work using the four methods above to elevate it. You, and your readers, will be glad you did.
  
  I hope this will help you out. I think the basic concept of your story is good. You just need to work on the story development. When you have time please send me your feedback on this critique. Happy writing.
  
  Frances
  
  
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  Project Jingle Bell Review
  A review of Project Jingle Bell
  by seneca8 on 04/23/2012
  Concept – I like the general idea of the concept. The idea that this world and the “spiritual” world interact and that these spiritual leaders/ thinkers are making bets regarding those of us here on earth is interesting. Characters – The main characters were developed well and I wanted to find out what would happen to them as I read through the SP. However, I did find... Concept – I like the general idea of the concept. The idea that this world and the “spiritual” world interact and that these spiritual leaders/ thinkers are making bets regarding those of us here on earth is interesting.
  
  Characters – The main characters were developed well and I wanted to find out what would happen to them as I read through the SP. However, I did find the behavior of some of the characters odd or even unbelievable at times. For example, Jessica and Miriam interact on page 17, but they didn’t act like mother and daughter. Also, around page 46 the police officers’ yell through a bull horn “come out with your hands up,” but then they casually talk at the front door and let people enter the house. I found things like this a little distracting and they seem to add confusion to the story.
  
  Dialogue – The dialogue was at times confusing because of what I assume are grammatical errors or typos. For example, on page seven Jessica says things like “I invite you for a coffee, okay?” and “Where do you go?” I was confused because some characters seem to speak this way and others don’t. Jesus is another character that seems to speak with incorrect grammar a lot, but I wasn’t sure if this was intentional to portray him as someone who doesn’t speak English well. If none of this is intentional then I’d suggest a thorough edit of all the dialogue. If some of it is intentional then it might lead to less confusion if the characters that don’t speak English correctly are described that way as they are introduced.
  
  Story – I found the story interesting, but also slightly confusing. It’s possible that this was my fault, but I had a hard time understanding exactly what the bet was between Christ and Lucifer, and how it was being played out on earth. In the end it became clear that the bet was getting Andrew and Kate to marry, but when I came to that realization I was still confused about some of the story. For example, I never really understood why Morris and the others were stopping a terrorist plot at the mall or what exactly to point of the website they set up was.
  
  Structure – As I mentioned in the Dialogue section there were some grammatical errors in the SP. Most of them seemed to be within the dialogue, but not all.
  
  Overall, I did think that this SP and idea showed some promise. This review is fairly negative, but mostly because of an overall sense of confusion as I read through it. I think in general, that’s something that can be improved with a thorough edit, maybe by someone other than the author who like me won’t have prior knowledge about the story. read
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  Review of Project Jingle Bell
  A review of Project Jingle Bell
  by AlCielo on 04/20/2012
  "Project Jingle Bell" tells a tale with a good heart. I like the secular spirituality tone you establish--neither South Park nor a Sunday School lesson. The screenplay works well at the one-sentence logline level and at the level of the 3-sentence synopsis you have here. I think, however, if you wrote a 2-page treatment, you might see some of the problems that I believe weaken... "Project Jingle Bell" tells a tale with a good heart. I like the secular spirituality tone you establish--neither South Park nor a Sunday School lesson.
  
  The screenplay works well at the one-sentence logline level and at the level of the 3-sentence synopsis you have here. I think, however, if you wrote a 2-page treatment, you might see some of the problems that I believe weaken the story.
  
  If you look at practically any movie with a metaphysical / theological / cosmological / existential dimension, you'll see that at the heart of the movie is a personal story of a protagonist with a clearly defined goal and a more abstract but still vital need. Examples: Here Comes Mr. Jordan / Heaven Can Wait; Defending Your Life; The Bishop's Wife; Ghost; Little Nicky; The Trial. If you subtract the theological plane from the
  plane, the story may not make much sense, but the basics of the story will still be identifiable (Example for Heaven Can Wait: A wealthy man who always wanted to be an athlete takes on a new personality so he can play pro football.)
  
  In Project Jingle Bell, the story of Andrew and Kate (or just Andrew) is fuzzy throughout, as is his goal (actually he has several local goals, marginally related, but no overall desire that motivates him throughout the storyline). In fact, practically each time the "spiritual" figures intrude into the story, they interrupt whatever progress Andrew has made. The spiritual figures (esp. Neil) are helpful in advancing Kate's character development, but while she has a definite need, she has no real goal that I can see (until the very end).
  
  So here's what I'd recommend before you begin your next draft: tell the story as a page one with only Andrew's goal and none of the spiritual intrusions. His primary goal could be one of one of the following (your choice) or another one: saving the mission, saving Shane, or saving Kate (the other two goals can be subplots--a B story and a C story). Shoot for about 75-80 pages with whatever organizational structure you prefer, but don't worry too much about structure or beats at this point. This story should stand on its own, though obviously it will be to short for a feature film. Then go back and add in the spiritual story / stories. Should you include the terrorists? The answer should be clear at this level of planning. Try not to introduce any major new characters after about the midpoint (though you may save reveals for later if you wish). Ideally you'll end up with about 100-120 pages, and the introduction of the spiritual characters should at all times either further or hinder whatever main goal you choose for Andrew. (If you try this strategy, please let me know how it works.)
  
  Some suggestions on a smaller scale:
  
  The dialog is usually properly oblique (for the characters and theme), but there are a few spots where it becomes expositional and on the nose, e.g. 67-78; the conversation between Kate and Andrew becomes intimate / serious awfully quickly (p. 77); and a few other spots.
  
  I think you have way too many characters who aren't central to the plot (some are important but could be combined into fewer roles). My favorite character was Jesus (the "not Chesus" Jesus rather than Neill). He seemed more individualized in terms of speech pattern and quirkier in motivation. Many of the minor characters seemed to exist simply to advance the plot. Introducing characters beyond the midpoint also tends to distract a reader (and likely would distract a viewer if filmed that way).
  
  Overall, I think you can make Andrew a much more dynamic character by suggesting a conflict between his goal and need, and by using this conflict to tie together the three salvation plots (mission, Shane, Kate). Ideally if you keep the terrorist thread, you can connect it more clearly to one of these 3 plots / subplots.
  
  The ending, for me, is very satisfying. Andrew and Kate satisfy their needs without "miracles" (i.e. divine intervention), and that brings the story to a rewarding end. read
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  What the...?
  A review of Project Jingle Bell
  by mdoliner on 04/11/2012
  project jingle bell Like the Santa--good way of telling us it's Christmas Like Andrew and Shane--audience has to want to know what's going on here. Dream sequence? takes us out of the story. Jessica wants a divorce but then chats about other things. Interested in the priest? She's too wishy washy? By page 10 we've been introduced to a lot of characters. I assume Andrew... project jingle bell
  
  Like the Santa--good way of telling us it's Christmas
  
  Like Andrew and Shane--audience has to want to know what's going on here.
  
  Dream sequence? takes us out of the story.
  
  Jessica wants a divorce but then chats about other things. Interested in the priest? She's too wishy washy?
  
  By page 10 we've been introduced to a lot of characters. I assume Andrew is the protagonist, but it's not clear what he wants.
  
  Or is it Kate?
  
  Shane reappears from under the sink, but his story doesn't advance. From his appearance near the beginning the audience has to think he is important. Now he appears as a nothing.
  
  Andrew crawls under the sink. Why? When the sink collapses he just looks incompetent. Any half decent plumber would know the sink was not securely attached as soon as he touched it.
  
  Alma continues talking on the phone after the sink collapses on Andrew?
  
  What does Confusius have to do with Armageddon?
  
  I assume the scene on 18 in the cottage is another dream--you don't say so. Is andrew supposed to be the dreamer because he is knocked out?
  
  After the dream Kate has a flashback. All this interrupts the story, takes the audience out of wondering what will happen next.
  
  Whole conversation between Grime and Andrew is flat. It's purpose is simply to end funding for the kitchen and show that Andrew cares. No need to drag this out.
  
  We have seen nothing to suggest the pedophilia charge. There should be some scene that can be taken in the wrong way.
  
  Intercut phone conversations are clumsy cinema.
  
  At this point we have a lot of people who want things,m but the things they want are not part of their own lives. Priest wants to help others, Bishop wants to run chuch like a business, Alma wants to run soup kitchen or help Andrew. Where is the need, the desire for themselves.
  
  Is Miriam Jessica's child? What is she doing in a soup kitchen. And what about jessica's divorce. That seems to have slipped through the cracks?
  
  The only way we know Neil is Christ is that he looks like Christ. He is a do gooder but so are so many in this screenplay.
  
  Andrew has no repair kit. More evidence of his incompetence.
  
  Mystery about ownership of the house. So many stories have started and not progressed.
  
  Andrew has become a character who is unconscious half the time.
  
  Mystery about what's going on in the basement.
  
  When you start a new scene you sometimes don't tell us who is there. (p 34)
  
  darkmore and antonio seem too important to be introduced so late.
  
  Suddenly now we're in the middle of a real estate deal?
  
  And Grime is corrupt. "Lady" Robinson? What country are we in?
  
  "Back by the sofa Andrew watches Kate with mixed emotions." What are the mixed emotions?
  
  Would a newscaster say something ended peacefully if it ended with a huge explosion?
  
  So Jessica and Kate are stepsisters, but their stories have hardly even intersected before. How did their fates diverge so completely. Especially since Jessica was, apparently, the slut.
  
  Andrew can't keep his phone charged. His incompetence is complete. The audience is indifferent to him.
  
  Pungy, Morris, Carl..who are they? What are they doing here.
  
  Arab theme gets introduced around p 50
  
  When Andrew says "I don't understand anything," the whole audience is likely to jump up and say "neither do I!"
  
  And now we're in a trailer park for some mysterious reason. And Kate knows where we are.but Andrew is giving directions.
  
  Shane, supposedly a bad boy, is manhandled by Kate.
  
  Shane turns out to have the backbone of a sponge. No one will care what happens to him.
  
  Neil, supposedly Christ (who isn't) is worried about a website.
  
  Who is Michael?
  
  Land Rover? Turns out Andrew rides a bike not out of principle but because he's cheap. Might have known.
  
  So Alma is in love with Grimw who we know is corrupt. Guess we can't think much of her.
  
  Suzy is introduced and dismissed. A pointless complication.
  
  ANDREW
  (to Jesus)
  I understand the rent is due by
  Thanksgiving, right?
  
  Didn't this movie start at Christmas?
  
  kate's whole story to Neil at the end has nothing to do with the movie.
  
  At this point I really have no idea what is going on. The whole thing seems to be a game between Neil and Lucifer. So nothing anybody did really mattered.
  
  Andrew is now a champion poker player
  
  Oh no, now Andrew has a sob story. read
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  Adam Chmielewski's Review of Project Jingle Bell
  A review of Project Jingle Bell
  by Adamrc on 04/02/2012
  This was a very interesting script with a great concept that carries you through all the way til the bitter end. Using a priest and a prostitute combination is definitely something that will get some attention from readers and producers all across Hollywood. I like this blend of characters and situations that are the life blood of this story. One thing I would consider is... This was a very interesting script with a great concept that carries you through all the way til the bitter end. Using a priest and a prostitute combination is definitely something that will get some attention from readers and producers all across Hollywood. I like this blend of characters and situations that are the life blood of this story.
  One thing I would consider is that this story can be a little all of the place at times. There are great characters here but there are alot of them to keep track of and it seemed to be jumbled. One main risk of having a large cast is that it is hard to divide up the screen time equally and effectively.
  Your script runs 116 pages which is a fair length but I feel you might be able to cut eight pages or so and still keep the same effectiveness of the story. There is one line in particular that would definitely omit and it occurs during the dream sequence and it reads: "Christ, yes Christ" it is funny but totally not needed, and beleive there are many books on the topic where they constantly ramble off about this type of descriptions in the script.
  Anyway there is a great product here and I wish you the best in your endeavors! read
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  Review of Project Jingle Bells
  A review of Project Jingle Bell
  by jflynn31 on 04/02/2012
  It’s always bad news when I find myself scrolling up to determine the role of a character, who suddenly appears doing something relevant. I had to do that with both Jessica and Morris. You’re story is really cluttered with characters. By page 58, the reader’s determined very little. Andrew is falsely accused and struggling. Kate is disaffected and troubled. Grime vacillates... It’s always bad news when I find myself scrolling up to determine the role of a character, who suddenly appears doing something relevant. I had to do that with both Jessica and Morris. You’re story is really cluttered with characters. By page 58, the reader’s determined very little. Andrew is falsely accused and struggling. Kate is disaffected and troubled. Grime vacillates between being a creep, a victim and a decent, albeit troubled man. And Andrew seems to want to do charitable work, despite an endless stream of often irrelevant obstacles. Film is a visual medium. If you intend to sell this story, you’re going to have to grab every reader’s interest. By page 10.
  
  I hate being hard on writers. I know what it’s like to pour yourself into a story only to have some reviewer just rip it to shreds. Believe me.
  
  But you, like every one of us, are going to have to endure some harsh criticism if you ever intend to get good enough to see your work make it to the screen.
  
  But the characters. The story’s lousy with them. I hate when I have to make a flow chart of names and events, just so I can pass the test that allows me to be credited with a review. I feel terrible saying that but it’s the truth. You’ve got to make this roar. Every time I read a character name, I should know exactly who he or she is and why she’s appearing in a particular scene. Then to change the deities' names midway really only adds to the confusion. This was a tough read.
  
  I had to scroll up to remind myself who Michael was on pg. 65 then again with Lilith on pg. 87. On my way up I saw the name Kilroy and had to read the dialogue exchange to remind myself that he was the pimp in the early scenes.
  
  Honestly, if this were my story, I’d rewrite it. Tighten, clarify and give it some punch.
  
  Good luck and keep with it. read
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  Heaven and earth
  A review of Project Jingle Bell
  by KZ on 03/31/2012
  I really liked this. I liked the concept. There was an awful lot going on and your thoughts about what the story was about could take you in many different directions. I am sure the writer has something in particular in mind but I thought the way the story was written, many interpretations could be made. Andrew was a guilty soul and he lived his life in guilt. Trying to run... I really liked this. I liked the concept. There was an awful lot going on and your thoughts about what the story was about could take you in many different directions. I am sure the writer has something in particular in mind but I thought the way the story was written, many interpretations could be made. Andrew was a guilty soul and he lived his life in guilt. Trying to run from the past but just could not get ahead of it. It seemed to be always there. Loved the concept of all this being observed in heaven and Andrew having these dreams which told him how things were happening. I didn't quite understand the pull of Lucifer. After all, he is merely an dark angel and Christ (Neil) is the savior! There were many characters and I thought the writer did a nice job in developing them while finding their place within the story.
  
  I thought the dialogue was pretty good but there were many typos. The structure was good. And even though I liked the idea of Kate and Andrew hooking up, what happened to Lucifer?
  
  Overall, a good story. I did see the writers sense of humor and it is sort of like mine so I can relate. It was good. The story did make you think about a lot and I like that. Good luck to you. I mean it. I would love to see this on the big screen. read
• 
  Shouldn't you also call this a crime? And/Or political?
  A review of Project Jingle Bell
  by Karl Gorman on 03/24/2012
  Page 4 – you have ‘all kind of things’ when you mean to say ‘kinds.’ When we see Lucifer and Jesus, etc, in the cottage playing card games: it comes across as farce. Especially since Jesus is in a Hawaiian shirt! But I don’t think that’s what you’re after in this film, so it sticks out badly. (On the side: I don’t that voice over should state that “Jesus, Buddha and other... Page 4 – you have ‘all kind of things’ when you mean to say ‘kinds.’
  
  When we see Lucifer and Jesus, etc, in the cottage playing card games: it comes across as farce. Especially since Jesus is in a Hawaiian shirt! But I don’t think that’s what you’re after in this film, so it sticks out badly.
  
  (On the side: I don’t that voice over should state that “Jesus, Buddha and other great people come here.” He should say something like “Great beings from the far reaches of faith in all its variety come here.” Much more deductive this way.)
  
  Page 7 – ‘speeds up towards the exist.’ You mean ‘exit.’
  
  Page 7 – “I can drive yo.” You mean ‘you.’
  
  Page 20 – ‘She lovers the gun.’ You mean ‘lowers’ the gun.
  
  This script is very long. There are too many named characters, even for a script as long as this, which make sit hard to follow.
  
  There was a sense of paradigm structure within the first 30 pages, leading up to when Andrew finds out he is suspected of being a pedophile. But after that, the sense of structure vanishes. That – along with its excessive amount of characters and its incredible length – weakens the whole thing, even the highly original concept. read
• 
  “But the gateway…is very narrow and the road is difficult…”
  A review of Project Jingle Bell
  by olufemi on 03/22/2012
  Reading this script must be what it feels like to be dyslexic. This was one HELL of a difficult read, Ralph. I’m sorry to start out so negative; it’s probably more a reflection of my skills as a reviewer than yours as a writer that I can’t start off more positively. Perhaps it’s my own problem, but I simply can NOT just look past issues on the surface of a script to comment... Reading this script must be what it feels like to be dyslexic.
  
  This was one HELL of a difficult read, Ralph. I’m sorry to start out so negative; it’s probably more a reflection of my skills as a reviewer than yours as a writer that I can’t start off more positively.
  
  Perhaps it’s my own problem, but I simply can NOT just look past issues on the surface of a script to comment on the “meat” of it; the surface problems obscure my analysis of the deeper aspects. I suspect many professional readers share this outlook.
  
  But the thing is, as it must be for someone with such a reading disability as dyslexia, I can *sense* that there is meaning being conveyed behind every word and story choice. I *know* that there’s a story worth telling in here, and that you desperately want to tell that story. That story is just being lost in translation. I don’t refer solely to the mechanics of the script (which ARE largely problematic); I refer to the storytelling itself.
  
  Hopefully I can still give you some pointers.
  
  MECHANICS
  
  Like I mentioned, there are some major problems with the mechanics of the script. Misspellings and grammatical problems are present, but infrequent: the larger problem is one of syntax. Your word selection and phrasings simply don’t “compute”.
  
  It’s like what happens if a person cracks open a Spanish-to-English dictionary, then tries to translate each word directly. Even while it’s technically correct, it will still come off awkward and difficult to understand. Saying “lo siento” to apologize translates to “I regret it”; but you don’t say “I regret it” to apologize in English, you say “I’m sorry.” Make sense?
  
  This problem is prevalent throughout the entirety of the script. Fixing it isn’t as simple as me pointing out the specific instances so you can correct them; it’s endemic, and can’t be corrected without rewriting the whole thing (which I know it sucks to hear). The first page can provide an example of what I’m talking about:
  
  “A drunken Santa staggers across the street and collapses on a trash bag.”
  
  What does this mean? There’s a trash bag just lying on the sidewalk that he falls on? That’s weird. Do you mean to say that he falls into a trash can, which has a trash bag in it? Or do you mean to say (as I suspect) that he collapses onto a BAG OF TRASH? Such a subtle distinction, but it’s definite. “A trash bag” says “a bag mean for holding trash, which is empty.” “A bag of trash” says “a garbage bag that is filled with trash.”
  
  Yes, “trash bag” is technically correct, but it still doesn’t convey what you intend it to. It’s probably perfectly clear to you, and I’m sure this seems like I’m being picky, but seriously, think about it: nagging questions in the author’s meaning, such as this, appearing on EVERY PAGE. Imagine how much that hampers a read. Imagine how frustrating that becomes.
  
  Further confusion, on the FIRST PAGE:
  
  “Andrew scans the room, sweating. COUGH. COUGH.”
  
  Who coughed? Is this just random, ambient noise, meant to give a sense of the scene? Or do you mean to say that ANDREW COUGHED? If the latter, the fact that he’s sweating and coughing suggests that he’s sickly.
  
  But in the next line, someone “reacts to the cough.” Almost as if the intention of the “cough” was just to get this person’s attention.
  
  Did you perhaps mean to say that Andrew CLEARED HIS THROAT? “Cough” says “this character is sick”; “clears his throat” says “this character is trying to announce his presence/get someone’s attention.” Or did he cough in an exaggerated manner? It’s just not clear.
  
  Again, a subtle distinction, but it makes all the difference in the world.
  
  “One of them, SHANE CANTON (17), reacts to the cough. Shit.”
  
  “Reacts” how? It’s unclear. Whose reaction is “Shit”? It’s also unclear; I’d guess it was Shane’s reaction, but you could again be referring to the feeling of the room as a whole. What KIND of reaction is “Shit”?
  
  “Andrew takes a peek at Shane’s cards – five of diamonds, nine of clubs.”
  
  So apparently, Andrew just walks behind Shane and looks at the cards he has in his hand.
  
  “Andrew puts the cards back on the table.”
  
  Oh! So you mean that the cards were on the table, and Andrew PICKED THEM UP to look at them, then put them back down? Again, it is not clear.
  
  These are problems I had on the FIRST PAGE, and they’re all throughout the script. I honestly recommend you find a collaborator who can perhaps “translate” the images you’re trying to convey.
  
  CONCEPT
  
  The concept is probably the strongest aspect of the script. Well, wait; I’m getting ahead of myself. It’s a great IDEA. Mythical beings tampering in the lives of humankind is very reminiscent of classic mythology. Replacing the gods of Olympus with more relevant, current-day figures is inspired.
  
  But an IDEA, unfortunately, is not quite the same thing as a story CONCEPT.
  
  I don’t worship at the altar of Blake Snyder, but the man is right when he says that your story needs to be “about a guy who…”. If there’s not “a guy who” is trying to do something, and something stopping him, there’s no conflict. And know this: it’s all about the conflict. That’s what gets the audience interested in your movie.
  
  Without the context of a story surrounding it, the idea is dead, and the concept is a dud. Find a compelling way of presenting that idea, and it’s salvageable.
  
  STORY
  
  The story starts off with promise. The drunken Santa falling over himself is an image that conveys a message of well-intentioned holiday cheer losing its way, while setting an irreverent and “screwball” sort of tone. We meet Andrew, a priest willing to dive into the lion’s den to save one of his flock, and even get a hint that he has a dark past of his own.
  
  Then he goes to sleep, and the whole story goes off the rails.
  
  Andrew dreams about four people (the script says “four”, yet there are five of them) whose identities aren’t given to the audience until around page 100 (we’re never told in dialogue who Lilith, Confucius, and “Morris” are, actually), in the “Mindstream Rivers”, whatever that is. These characters play a game and make some sort of bet, the parameters of which are completely unclear. It’s also not ever made clear how Andrew was able to perceive this metaphysical realm beyond the stars in his dreams.
  
  Then over the next 100 pages we’re introduced to numerous characters (some of which are just ones we’ve already met, but given new names…DON’T DO THIS, by the way) who do *stuff*, but with no particular direction.
  
  It feels like there are several stories going on in this script that never coalesce into a single satisfying metastory. It’s impossible to keep track of who is doing what and why, if the script even ever bothers to explain it. Sorry, but I really can’t give much advice for improving the story; most of the time I honestly didn’t know what was going on.
  
  All I can say is next time, find ONE story and focus on it. As I seem to mention in every one of my reviews, the essence of STORY is a PROTAGONIST in pursuit of a GOAL coming into conflict with an ANTAGONIST or ANTAGONISTIC FORCE. “Protagonist” is not the same thing as “good guys”, and “antagonist” is not the same as “bad guys”. Sure Lucifer is evil, but he’s only an ANTAGONIST if he is standing in the way of whatever it is the protagonist is pursuing.
  
  The script claims to be a drama, yet people have kung-fu fights (page 51)! Terrorists fire RPGs (page 81)! A terrorist attack involving paintball guns (page 52)! There’s something in there about Andrew being accused of pedophilia (the crime is “child molestation”, by the way, and it’s really weird how frequently and easily people use the former term), and Kate being raped by her father or something?
  
  How can you expect for these serious moments (which are obviously meant to resonate emotionally) to resonate, when you literally have Jesus and Buddha hanging out and cracking jokes? The entire setup is too screwball to be taken seriously, but isn’t actually funny enough to be considered a comedy.
  
  Re-think.
  
  CHARACTER
  
  This is an aspect of the script in dire need of re-thinking. And it’s a real shame, because there appears to be some nice character work here. Andrew shows some depth, as does Kate, but they’re never given enough time to grow and feel like more than clichés.
  
  The PROTAGONIST is the most important character in a screenplay. It’s his/her pursuit of a GOAL which forms the framework of the story.
  
  If I was forced to guess, I’d say that Andrew is the protagonist, but mostly because he is the first named character we meet. But he’s lost amid so many other characters, we barely get a chance to know him, and we certainly don’t know what his GOALS are.
  
  It’s the protagonist’s job to make CHOICES and to ACT in a way that changes the world around him. Bearing that in mind, a more likely choice for the protagonist is JESUS (as in CHRIST, not the other character that you unfathomably ALSO named JESUS), and the rest of the mythological beings whose names are never given.
  
  There’s no way I’m the first to mention this, and I’m sure I won’t be the last: there are TOO MANY CHARACTERS in the screenplay. I was literally asking myself “who?” every five pages, then doing a ctrl+f to find the character and try to remember who it was. Characters appear and disappear within the space of pages, or disappear for 60 pages only to pop up again, or just appear with no introduction whatsoever (who is REINHOLD? LUKE?)!
  
  Consolidate your characters. Remove and/or combine any character who isn’t VITALLY important to the story. If you do this and still find you’ve got 20 characters who are vitally important to the story, cut your story down to get rid of more of them.
  
  Give those FEW characters who remain true desires of their own. Let them make choices that make sense for who they are. Don’t have your prostitute character hop in a car with some dude she’s never met who looks like Jesus!
  
  Do NOT change your characters names. If you absolutely *must*, you can do something like JESUS/NEIL. But seriously, is it necessary?
  
  Do NOT give two characters the same name! I don’t know if you did this for the very small joke on page 33 (“I’m Chesus but call me Jesus.” “A good name.”), but it’s not worth it. Jeez, just remove Jesus (as in, the Latino dude) altogether; he contributes nothing.
  
  Do NOT introduce important characters after the midpoint. The only new characters showing up after that point should have names like FAT HIPPY, and we should see them only briefly before they disappear forever.
  
  Forgive me if I seem harsh, but it’s only because I *know* you are better than this. I can sense it. But you’re drowning your script in useless twaddle, and it’s frustrating.
  
  Re-think.
  
  STRUCTURE
  
  The structure of a script is predicated on CONFLICT. As I’ve stated, CONFLICT is predicated on the PROTAGONIST’s pursuit of a GOAL and an ANTAGONIST impeding that pursuit.
  
  These things do not exist in this screenplay. Instead, the reader is whisked to new characters and new locations and new situations often enough to get whiplash. It’s confusing.
  
  DIALOGUE
  
  There are just too many characters for you to give them all unique voices, so I suppose I won’t hold you to that.
  
  Dialogue usually sounds natural at least, but again, that awkwardness rears its head. There are numerous non-sequitors and confounding responses in this script, that just don’t compute.
  
  Page 50: Rick: “Where’s the remote?” Archy: “Pungy wants to get new batteries.”
  
  What?! How is that a reasonable response? Even if *maybe* this is supposed to say “Pungy WENT to get new batteries”, are you saying that he took the remote with him?
  
  Page 75: Kate: “Your mom didn’t plan to have kids back then.”
  
  ?!?!?!?!
  
  Who says things like this? And this comes out of nowhere. Miriam just enters the room and Kate (I think maybe Miriam is supposed to say it? I honestly can’t even tell) blurts out this line. The whole conversation on page 5 is utterly confusing, and is in large part to blame for how confusing the story becomes.
  
  OVERALL
  
  I don’t know how much I could offer you in the way of constructive criticism. I hope if this review hasn’t been particularly helpful, others will be. I honestly couldn’t make heads nor tails of this script. It honestly gave me a headache trying to read it.
  
  I hope you try again, and your future efforts fare better. Best of luck. read
• 
  Characters a-plenty
  A review of Project Jingle Bell
  by Rfordyce on 03/20/2012
  ‘Project Jingle Bell’ is a tongue-in-cheek fantastical tale in which the fate of mankind appears to hang in the balance on the result of a wager made between Christ and Lucifer at the poker table. It depends on the outcome of a match made in Heaven and Hell – namely a priest with a murky conscience and a prostitute with a heart of gold. Are these Hollywood stereotypes? Well... ‘Project Jingle Bell’ is a tongue-in-cheek fantastical tale in which the fate of mankind appears to hang in the balance on the result of a wager made between Christ and Lucifer at the poker table. It depends on the outcome of a match made in Heaven and Hell – namely a priest with a murky conscience and a prostitute with a heart of gold. Are these Hollywood stereotypes? Well I suppose you’d have to say yes, but then it all depends on what you do with the idea.
  
  Probably your best strength is characterisation. I like Andrew as the main protagonist. He’s nicely drawn as the compassionate but stressed-out man of the cloth, and we get the impression that he has a secret history before we actually learn about it.
  
  Kate too is a very three-dimensional figure. She is quite believable in that you avoid the usual stereotypes of gangster’s moll or passive victim. Other characters such as Shane, Chang, Jessica and Jesus are all nicely differentiated and have their individual voices.
  
  The concept is an interesting one. The gods of creation watch over the amusing or tragic antics of mankind. It’s not exactly a fresh idea (‘The Seventh Seal’, ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’ and ‘Bruce Almighty’ spring variously to mind) but there are all sorts of directions in which you could take it. Also, your cinematic description is on the whole clear and effective, although I’ve got some reservations about your style. You move crisply between scenes and the imagery is strong and imaginative. Your dialogue too is crisp, natural-sounding and true to character.
  
  But I have to be honest, Ralph. This was a helluva tough read. After about 20 pages you’d introduced so many characters and set up so many strands of plot that I began to lose track of what was going on. I ploughed through the rest of the script because I thought your writing is strong enough to warrant constructive feedback, but honestly I couldn’t fathom what the hell was going on most of the time. Towards the end your themes began to take more obvious shape and the story came together in a more focused way.
  
  On a second reading when I was making my detailed notes, things became clearer, but even then I found myself struggling to follow what was going on. I have no doubt that this would play more smoothly on screen; however for a spec script, which I’m assuming this is, it’s the studio reader you have to get past.
  
  These are the things which, for me at least, are the main issues:
  
  Firstly, the sheer number of characters and their individual traits. I find it overwhelming. Not only do you have a great swatch of names for the reader to remember, but some of them have more than one. Buddha and Confucius become Sid and Carl. Christ becomes Neil. (As an aside, no-one in the script addresses Buddha, Confucius or John Doe by name, so how would the viewer know who they are anyway?) On top of that, just to confuse things further you throw in a completely separate guy who happens to be called Jesus! Then as added icing on the cake, you also have flashbacks where we see some of the characters in youth or childhood. It’s a tough call.
  
  Secondly, the story itself seems convoluted and disjointed to me. Just as I felt I was getting to grips with one plot element, you dive off at another tangent and we need to start figuring out what’s happening again. There are so many different strands: the gods and prophets with their wager, the scrapes which Shane gets into, the relationship between Andrew and Kate, the paedophilia story, the Russo angle, the Arab terrorists, the Jingle Bell website, the Alma Project, etc etc.
  
  I realise that a lot of these converge towards the end. But that in itself seems to be a problem since we then have a plethora of scenes which give us backstory exposition through a character’s dialogue. Andrew, Kate, Jessica and Alma all deliver ‘this is what happened to me’ dialogue at some point in the script. I have to admit that I’m still rather lost on some of the storylines.
  
  I think you need to pare down the story to its essential elements, which I’m assuming are the Andrew-Kate relationship and the Andrew-Shane story.
  
  Lastly, the overall tone of the script. You don’t list comedy among the genres for your script but there are quite a few comedic elements in it. However there are also many dark passages and the main themes are about love, loss, rejection and betrayal. To my mind (and again it’s purely personal) the comedy doesn’t fit neatly with those main themes. One minute you’ve got a priest being accused on live TV of paedophilia. Then an absurdly surreal terrorist attack by Arabs using rockets and paint guns.
  
  These are the other notes I made as I read through:
  
  1. The song title is ‘Jingle Bells’, plural – unless you have a specific reason for using the singular.
  
  1 Just a point on your writing style: you’ve clearly put effort into it, but sometimes it can be somewhat more hip and streetwise than is comfortable to read. Hip and streetwise is no problem in the right context, but if your reader has to spend time teasing out the basic information he needs to follow the story, it’s going to be a hard slog. Your reader isn’t nearly so immersed in the story as you are. So tiny points of detail which are obvious to you have to be made obvious to the reader.
  
  As an example (there are many in the script)…
  
  Andrew scans the room, sweating. COUGH. COUGH.
  
  At the far end four people sit at a poker table playing a
  game of Texas Hold’em. One of them, SHANE CANTON (17),
  reacts to the cough. Shit.
  
  I’m having to assume here that a. it was Andrew who coughed; b. Texas Hold’em is a variety of poker; c. ‘Shit’ describes Shane’s reaction of alarm to the cough; but it could equally mean ‘what the hell, I’m game for this’.
  
  You could avoid all these little pitfalls by re-writing the passage as:
  
  At the far end four people sit at a table playing a
  game of Texas Hold’em poker.
  
  Andrew scans the room, sweating. He COUGHS loudly.
  
  One of the players, SHANE CANTON (17), flinches at the sound.
  
  3 What’s the significance of the Mercedes? It makes several appearances. Is it just a symbol of urban decay or lawlessness?
  
  4 Snow covered trees, heavy with ripe, delicious fruit… In winter? Or is this part of the surreal imagery?
  
  To 6 Is the gambling scene with Christ and Lucifer deliberately esoteric and ambiguous? It’s hard to know what’s going on. It seems that Christ is betting that humanity will give up religion… doesn’t really make sense to be, and since it’s a central plank of your story, it needs to be more explicit.
  
  I’m not quite sure whether Morris is supposed to be symbolic of some religion, or whether he’s just an invention. Why is it important that we never see his face?
  
  7 INT. FERRARI – DAY A bit more needed. Whose Ferrari? Jessica’s?
  
  17 Who’s Edward? Who’s Sister Ruth? No-one addresses Grime as Edward in any of your scenes so the viewer can’t make the connection. Similarly with Sister Ruth.
  
  18 The bet has been made. Armageddon is to be ‘rescheduled’. Christ plans to ‘raise hell and let heaven sort it out’. But I still don’t know what it means.
  
  18 Imagery of four snowballs falling. Horsemen of the Apocalypse? Something else? Or just a pretty scene?
  
  19 This recurring theme of the moment before we enter our lives and the moment we leave it. It’s a nice image but I can’t really see how it’s relevant to your story. And I’m not convinced that the voice-over adds anything useful to the mix.
  
  19 Remember? We used to talk. Who is ‘we’?
  
  21 ‘…but it’s hardly one that doesn’t deserve your attention’.
  You sometimes stray into double negatives and convoluted phrasing. Much simpler and easier on the tongue would be:
  ‘but it still deserves your attention’.
  
  24 RUTH The shop called. Shall they bring the car or will we pick it up? What’s she talking about?
  
  25 Dave eyes Kate. I assume ‘Dave’ is the driver. Since he never appears again, there’s no need to name him. But if you do, the name needs to appear in his slug lines.
  
  30 Hammit’s house (who’s Hammit, anyway?) seems to belong to Suzy (who’s Suzy?) … or does it belong to the church? Or maybe Alma? This is getting really difficult to follow.
  
  34 To her surprise, ANTONIO … stands in the office door. Why would she be surprised? They live together, don’t they?
  
  35 VOICE (V.O.) I call about the Bentley. When could I take a look at the car? JESSICA The Bentley?
  
  I don’t understand this exchange – seems random.
  
  41 Apparently Morris prevented a disaster. But it’s not clear how, since an explosion had occurred.
  
  43 Kate sees something in a newspaper which enrages her. What?
  
  49 Why don’t the police just arrest everyone in the house, if they’ve been authorised to do so, instead of standing around chatting?
  
  54 Sterling states that Darkmore twisted some arms to do an eviction. Seems very unlikely, because (a) he wouldn’t have been privy to this information and (b) even if he was, he wouldn’t be telling it to the occupants of the house.
  
  54 I used to live here for two years. With Edsel Hammit. He became so strange in the end. Put all his
  money--
  Edsel never features in the story, so why the need to mention him? And Alma begins to say something about his money, but doesn’t finish the speech. ??
  
  67 Your background is business. How so? He’s a priest.
  
  69 SUZANNE CANTON, Latino, late 30s,
  (a) No point in calling her Suzanne – it only throws the reader. Just call her Suzy if that’s who she is.
  (b) Is she Shane’s mother? Sister? Can’t be his mother since Shane says she’s in hospital (p62). I’m really confused now.
  
  73 MORRIS
  I bet old Luke is involved here. Who’s Luke??
  
  81 All hell breaks loose as the Arabs, who’ve seen Morris on TV, come storming in with assault weapons. Incredibly, no-one is killed; incredibly, Morris wastes them single-handedly; and incredibly, the house is still standing.
  
  89 KATE I haven’t seen snow like this since--
  NEIL Montana.
  Her face drops. Why is Montana significant?
  
  91 NEIL
  I had to wait for your decision.
  Her face drops. What decision?
  
  92 More storm clouds. We’re a bit heavy on the storm imagery!
  
  97 LUCIFER
  I see you on Christmas.
  I assume Lucifer exits the scene at this point?
  
  103 Grime is packing to go. Why does he need money?
  
  106 Consecutive chunks of dialogue for Kate??
  
  JESSICA
  I know dad raped you. After you left I knew. It all came to me.
  
  So Jessica thinks that her father is also Miriam’s father? But actually it’s Antonio? Or have I got it wrong?
  
  113 She stares at Lucifer, sits up straight.
  Who is ‘she’? Kate? Jessica?
  
  Typos, punctuation, etc…
  
  4 One of his cards lies uncovered…
  6 He collects the cards…
  7 …toward the exit.
  7 Could we have a talk?
  7 I can drive you.
  7 …as she takes her seat.
  11 Why don’t you come closer?
  11 Where are we going? Don’t you like question marks?
  12 The car stops…
  12 Help! Help!
  13 Kate’s strength grows…
  13 A silver handgun sticks out…
  17 ALMA (into phone)
  20 Not too long ago to forget your vow…
  21 …what does all that have to do with St. John?
  21 Life has its own way…
  22 …do you really believe that I molest children?
  26 PHHHT - flat tire.
  27 The sun takes a timid peek…
  27 Voices are heard…
  27 Across the lot lies the entrance…
  31 How do we know you’re kosher?
  34 I’ll call again.
  37 How did the priest end up in all this?
  43 … a T-shirt and jeans.
  52 …no matter what I think.” (If you open with double quotes, you need to close with them too.)
  52 Why don’t you just sell?
  58 More of a path actually...
  69 …takes a peek into the car.
  70 Why don’t you do it?
  74 The place is spick and span.
  75 Look what’s going on out front.
  76 Jessica takes a seat…
  78 problems of drugs and homelessness…
  78 …lots of ideas.
  81 What do you say…
  81 …tearing a hole…
  89 …I’d have a few questions.
  92 Building materials are attacked… ???
  92 It’s an animated image of the cottage; trees move…
  93 The sky behind the cottage…
  93 Lucifer’s smirk freezes.
  93 He experienced a moment of truth.
  94 ...and claim the price. Do you mean prize?
  95 …messed up big time.
  96 It makes him angry.
  103 The Jack of Spades lying…
  104 You may be looking at a decade of desk jobs…
  106 How about your legs?
  109 …have actually experienced it…
  110 it’s too much to ask…
  113 EXT. HAMMIT’S MANSION
  113 …from the broken pipe…
  
  That’s all from me, Ralph. Hope these notes are useful to you. Good luck with it. read