In this old apartment lie the secrets of the universe and the source of its destruction.
HOW IT RATES
Jefferson never wanted to return to Picayune, MS, but, when his big brother dies, Jefferson has to go back to liquidate the farm and its assets. While in the process of selling everything off as quickly as possible, a vicious alien known as the Devourer crashes in the the wooded area near the farm. The Devourer can even turn sentient creatures into her minions, Space-Zombies. What Jefferson thought would be a big inconvenience turns into a struggle to survive, and, if he hopes to survive, he’ll have to embrace his redneck roots.
Other Submissions by stevenroy
The indomitable martial artist and vicious assassin, the Venom King, has never left a single survivor. When he... more
Vampires put on a Kung Fu tournament
Members Who Like This Submission Also Like...
Matthew Hardmann thought his past was dead & buried. He was only half-right. DEADSLINGER is an action film that... more
Matthew Hardmann thought his past was dead & buried. He was only half-right. DEADSLINGER is an action film that... more
This is an old revision of the script which is kept up by TS as it was a SOM Nom.
Reviews of Rednecks Vs Space-Zombies revised 31
by email@example.com on 11/20/2012For the most part I liked this screenplay. It was well constructed in both form and structure. It was a little predictable in places and sort of followed the "Zombie Formula". I knew Jefferson would end up staying and be taking care of Tom and Mary. The whole Daisy relationship was a little predictable also. You practically gave it away when she talked about her long standing... For the most part I liked this screenplay. It was well constructed in both form and structure. It was a little predictable in places and sort of followed the "Zombie Formula". I knew Jefferson would end up staying and be taking care of Tom and Mary. The whole Daisy relationship was a little predictable also. You practically gave it away when she talked about her long standing crush.
I could definitely have done without the narration. It was not needed and reminded me of a episode of The Dukes of Hazard. Beyond that it was fun and a good read. The dialogue was very good. You have that pegged and have a talent for it. read
by zaphod10 on 11/04/2012This space zombie horror/comedy movie has its best moments in the comedic scenes. The well described deaths of the cute woodland creatures is very satisfying. The characters were believable and I cared about the band of rednecks that were fighting the Zombies. The two children, Mary and Tom were well described as were their lousy living conditions. Mary's transformation... This space zombie horror/comedy movie has its best moments in the comedic scenes. The well described deaths of the cute woodland creatures is very satisfying. The characters were believable and I cared about the band of rednecks that were fighting the Zombies.
The two children, Mary and Tom were well described as were their lousy living conditions. Mary's transformation into the one in charge fits the dream of every young girl to be the center of attention and have adults listen to her. The horse, Gray-Man, also provided comic relief.
With respect to the human zombie transformation: It would be interesting to explore a more subtle transformation. The zombies/humans could have an unusual glow but look otherwise normal until they attack.
The phone calls to the local police station made me laugh. I liked the case descriptions along with the plot on the TV shows. Picky point: I am not sure if you meant Hercule Poirot rather than Henry Poirot.
The short flashbacks to Daisy's crush on Jefferson were a bit under developed. Brief clips rather than just pictures could add more to this comic moment.
Minor picky points: This description is missing something: "The alien Shorty is dragged behind by a chain wrapped around his ____ and neck."
I am not sure I would stick with a narrator in the movie. It was used to great comic effect in George of the Jungle. In this movie it broke up the action and interrupted rather than helped push the movie forward.
I liked the ending with the changes shown rather than described. It also left open the possibility of a sequel. read
by lizzayn on 10/28/2012LOGLINE: The title, logline, and synopsis are all wonderful. They drew me in immediately. The only comment I have is that the synopsis has the word “survive” twice in the last sentence. Think about switching it up with another word. Other than that, I really like it. CONCEPT: Again, it’s great. You have conflict immediately both internal (trying to fight against your... LOGLINE: The title, logline, and synopsis are all wonderful. They drew me in immediately. The only comment I have is that the synopsis has the word “survive” twice in the last sentence. Think about switching it up with another word. Other than that, I really like it.
CONCEPT: Again, it’s great. You have conflict immediately both internal (trying to fight against your past but you can’t escape who you really are) and external (the invasion). Plus, it’s just fun.
STORY: I think the story really works. It’s fun and I could picture the entire thing as I was reading it. The only issue is that you spend so much time setting up the first half of the screenplay that it starts to lag in the first half of the second act. As soon as the kids begin to turn into Space Zombies, the pace picks up and rockets to the end. Try to pare down Act 2-A and it will help a lot.
CHARACTERS: Very good. They are well drawn and fun. Try to work on your character introductions though, they’re a bit dry.
DIALOGUE: Very good. Each character had a unique voice. Great job.
STRUCTURE: The second half is great but the first half begins to lag after the estate sale. You hit the beats at the right time, though.
FORMATTING, GRAMMAR, TYPOS: A few nitpicky things noted below.
GENERAL NITPICKY NOTES:
Normally, I‘d make a comment about the freeze frame and not directing from the page, but it works here.
Great job setting up who Jefferson is and getting the exposition across organically.
Page 4- lose the FADE TO.
Page 5- “You’re frightened?” I know this is nitpicky (and may just be my weird hang up) but I always felt that aliens wouldn’t use contractions. “You are frightened?”
Page 8- “The ship drifts toward Earth.
The back of the Star-Ship explodes. It spins out of control
You state “towards Earth” twice in two consecutive sentences. Perhaps the second sentence can say something like “It spins out of control as it pierces the atmosphere.”
Page 10- “I was going to say well, but do make up stuff for a living.” You’re missing a word here somewhere.
Page 10 “I see your sense of humor is in tact.” Intact (one word)
Page 13- “Where’s this paperwork?” clunky after the previous sentence. Perhaps “Where is it?” or “let’s do it.”
Instead of Redneck1 and Redneck2 perhaps they can be Overalls Redneck and Chewing Tobacco Redneck. Give them a bit more flavor.
Page 17- “is Gray Man (30 Large Gray Lipizzan Stallion)” Gray Man (BTW great name) is introduced earlier in the photo of young Jefferson. So now you can just mention the horse is older.
Page 20- “Jefferson is dressed to go for a run. He looks like he thinks he’s about to star in a Nike commercial.” A bit clunky, perhaps:
Jefferson, in track clothes, stretches and readies to jog. He looks like he thinks he’s the star of a Nike commercial.
Page 20- “SHERIFF AMBROSE HILL(35 light brown uniform, cop glasses,
athletic) I’ve noticed this with your other character intros. You don’t really give us a slice of who they are but their build/clothes.
SHERIFF AMBROSE HILL, 35, Dirty Harry in a county-brown uniform, adjusts his mirrored aviator sunglasses and scowls at Jefferson.
Page 21- “Too busy to accept my Facebook request?” HAHAHAHA! Great line.
Page 23- You left the (V.O.) off of the narrator in both instances on this page.
Page 23- “you’re name is Emerson” your
Page 25- that was a dickish move. Those kids were obviously hungry and that makes Jefferson less likable as a lead.
Page 29 - Phone calls are VO, OS is when a character is in the immediate area, just not on screen.
Page 29- “Well, do you think you could send someone over.” Question mark
Page 30- “Anne? (Looking to Ambrose)”
It would work better as an action line, but if you keep it a parenthetical, make sure it has its own line.
I can’t help but hear Waylon Jennings’ voice when I read the narrator.
Page 38- watch that you’re not being repetitive. The devourer is doing a lot of devouring and Jefferson has stated that he hates the town to the point that it’s getting a bit tiresome. It’s slowing the story down.
Page 42- After Mary says “Okay” I think she should watch the tentacle slide back into the pond or give some sort of hint that Mary is only saying that. As is, it looks like she’s agreeing.
Page 43- That’s kind of bad. Perhaps they can drag him by his feet?
Page 47- “It actually is pretty awesome.” Made me smile.
Page 48- “You worried about monsters.” Question mark
Page 54- While a great scene, I can’t help but think it should have happened earlier in the screenplay.
Page 54- “Rush you.” Question mark
It seems like it took too long to get to the Space Zombie part and then it seem to happen too quickly.
Page 62- “If she’s out there, she’s probably already...not herself.” This is repetitive; she said this in the earlier scene.
Page 63- “You can’t leave for years and just expect to hop on when it’s convenient for you.” Hahahaha!
Page 76- Mary’s coming off as a little shit in this scene.
Page 78 – “I Anne is wearing one of her pretty
lil’ sun dresses.” Not sure how this sentence was suppose to begin.
Page 100- you need a VO for the narrator
Overall, a great screenplay. I really enjoyed reading it.
by Michael Keller on 10/27/2012This script is awesome. Here are my running notes: -Who made your cool poster? -Is this a star vehicle for Larry the cable guy? Ooh, I guess not - he dies. -The second voice over line is sort of redundant. I’d cut it and just keep the first. -Good dialog in the first scene -Excellent job describing the aliens. -Good job setting up the classic “don’t forget who you are”... This script is awesome. Here are my running notes:
-Who made your cool poster?
-Is this a star vehicle for Larry the cable guy? Ooh, I guess not - he dies.
-The second voice over line is sort of redundant. I’d cut it and just keep the first.
-Good dialog in the first scene
-Excellent job describing the aliens.
-Good job setting up the classic “don’t forget who you are” character arc.
-“Huntin’ squirrels. Ain’t going to kill themselves.” How about “Squirrels ain’t gonna kill themselves.”
-That was really mean of Jefferson to throw away their squirrels. Little yokes are probably malnourished.
-What’s the relationship between Ambrose and Daisy? Seems kind of vague.
-Tom and Mary are very touching characters.
-I’m near the midpoint, and the Devourer hasn't really created enough havoc. It should be total pandemonium by now. Jefferson should be changing as a person and rising to the occasion to save the day.
-Okay, it happened, just a few pages later than expected.
-Mary’s “enlightenment” scene is great.
Overall, Excellent job! read
by Jason Lewis on 10/17/2012The thing is, when Tom says he and Mary can live at Fort Awesome, I thought it was some kind of dodge, a sarcastic reply. I didn't realize that there was actually going to be a place called Fort Awesome. But there was. And I thought, “Ah, yes. Fort Awesome. Of course.” That's pretty much how reading this script went for me. Being told, directly or through subtext, what was... The thing is, when Tom says he and Mary can live at Fort Awesome, I thought it was some kind of dodge, a sarcastic reply. I didn't realize that there was actually going to be a place called Fort Awesome. But there was. And I thought, “Ah, yes. Fort Awesome. Of course.” That's pretty much how reading this script went for me. Being told, directly or through subtext, what was about to happen, then still finding myself delighted and surprised by what came next.
I wasn't expecting much by way of character development. In fact, given the title, I was expecting something like fifty-percent rednecks, fifty-percent space zombies. I was wrong. We're well into the second act before the story even flirts with the notion of setting aside development of our protagonists and their relationships in favor of getting the horror hoedown started.
This script even goes the extra mile of imbuing key props with some personality (Big Bang and Sweet Darling). As characters go, I have to say that Shorty really steals the show. With relatively few scenes, masked and silent, his character really comes out through his actions.
Not that the other characters don't work. Just like Mary and Tom get to beat their abuser to death, so to does Jefferson get to curb-stomb the skeletons in his own closet. Fine arcs all around. The mere presence of this symbolism gives the story a leg up on comparable b-movie fare. Every popcorn movie that bothers to add even a dash of brains is a candle in the dark night of vacuous entertainment. A lot of heart, a lot of fun. read
by brookline on 10/12/2012My name is Frances Beckham. I volunteered to critique the screenplay REDNECKS VS. SPACE ZOMBIES by STEVEN ROY. After reading the critique, please send me your feedback. INTRODUCTION The first 10 to 15 pages of a script must do the following. 1. Hook the reader 2. Introduce the main characters 3. Introduce the plot Following is a list of questions that the first 10 to 15 pages... My name is Frances Beckham. I volunteered to critique the screenplay REDNECKS VS. SPACE ZOMBIES by STEVEN ROY. After reading the critique, please send me your feedback.
The first 10 to 15 pages of a script must do the following.
1. Hook the reader
2. Introduce the main characters
3. Introduce the plot
Following is a list of questions that the first 10 to 15 pages must answer.
1. Has the stage and environment been clearly set?
Yes. The setting is rural America, Mississippi, and present day.
2. Does the script open with a gripping event?
Yes. Jefferson’s brother Beau’s truck accident. This is the event that brings Jefferson back home.
3. Does the script answer: Why is today different than any other day for the main character?
Yes. Jefferson, a sifi writer, returns home right when there is about to be an alien invasion.
4. Is the story in progress?
5. Is there an event about to occur or that just occurred provocative enough for the reader to ask: what is going to happen next?
Yes. That would be when the core crashed in the woods. The reader wonders what will happen next.
6. Is it clear who the protagonist is and what his or her needs or desires are?
Yes. Right off the reader gets the impression Jefferson is the protagonist. Since he is a Sifi writer about space ships and aliens the reader gets the impression that he will play a major roll in the story when aliens come back in the picture.
7. Has what is at stake for the protagonist been set up?
8. Have I presented or foreshadowed the antagonist and major conflict?
9. Is the genre clear and consistent?
The introduction, the first 10 pages were very well done. They did what every first 10 pages of a script should do: introduce the main characters, the plot, and hook the reader. The scenes were quick and to the point. There were no tangents. From the look of the introduction, the reader feels the rest of the script will be promising. I will admit I was going to pass the assignment, but I decided to give it a chance. I’m glad I did. I am eager to finish reading the rest of the script. I stopped reading to answer the questions concerning the introduction.
Following is a list of questions to answer after completing the script.
1. Does the script have a unique twist?
Yes here we have an alien zombie invasion in rural Mississippi, the most unlikely setting. A creature from space survives and grows by eating living creatures. It turns humans into zombies and sends them out to bring more people for the creature to eat. Jefferson, a sifi writer, returns to his home town. To bury his dead brother and sell the family farm. The zombies are on his property..
2. Is the story compelling?
Yes. I think it is very compelling. I could not stop reading. I had my doubts about the script at first, but once I got into it the script turned out to be more than I expected. The pace is fast and easy to read. The action description paragraphs are concise and to the point. When reading the script, I divided it into 10 page (10 minute) internals. According to the 10 minute mini movie rule a significant event should occur in each block of 10 pages. This was successfully done in your script..
3. Are the stakes clear?
Yes. There are.
4. Is the dramatic clock ticking?
Yes. The reader feels a sense of urgency and expectation in each scene.
5. Is the dialog clear?
Yes. The dialog is very well done. I think you did a superb job with it. The dialog did not wonder and ramble, and it was not long. It was focused and kept within the realms of the plot.
7. Are there unexpected occurrences and conflicts that the protagonist must overcome?
Yes. Throughout the story.
8. Is the story over explaining by spelling out everything?
No. Everything is timed right.
9. Does the story continue to build to the climax?
Okay. I really like this script. I was going to turn down this assignment, but I’m glad I did not. I enjoyed reading it. The plot was logical. Logic is important in sifi, as well as in fantasy and horror. In addition to being logical it isn’t over the reader’s head with scientific details. I’ve read several scripts like that. They made me loose interest with so much detail.
The characters are well development. They each have their own personalities. Their personalities are expressed through their dialog.
The twists throughout the story were good.
I’m trying to think of an area that can use more work, but I can’t think anything significant, but Jefferson is coming to mind now. I think at the middle of the story allow him to explain why he left Mississippi, moved to the big city, and become a sifi writer and writing under a pin name. I was interested in learning the reasons. But this got lost in the story. Perhaps you could bring this out.
This is all I can think of. I can tell you did a lot on this script already.
Send me feedback when you have time. read
by WILD COYOTE on 10/09/2012I’m sorry this review is so late. I know, I’m a very bad man... Anyway, I just got done reading your script Rednecks vs Space-Zombies. The title somewhat reminds me of Cowboys vs Aliens, but the story content comes closer to Critters. This is a good piece of writing and story work, and I think with a rewrite or two, you might have something industry worthy here. Below are my... I’m sorry this review is so late. I know, I’m a very bad man... Anyway, I just got done reading your script Rednecks vs Space-Zombies. The title somewhat reminds me of Cowboys vs Aliens, but the story content comes closer to Critters. This is a good piece of writing and story work, and I think with a rewrite or two, you might have something industry worthy here. Below are my notes as I read, followed by my final thoughts. Bare in mind that my notes are only my thoughts and suggestions on how to improve the script, so please take them in kind--
Page 1. You wrote; “muted”, when I think the word “muffled” may work better. To me, the word muted means that you cannot hear it at all.
At the top of page 2, you introduce 3 characters one after another. I would suggest you break that up and introduce them separately throughout the scene. I don’t know, it reads kind of funny the way you have it now. I think it could be done more cinematically.
Page 4. You wrote; “they wear the same”, perhaps you could just say “they wear matching”, or something close to it...
The first 10 to 15 pages. The main character Jefferson is introduced and we get to know him and learn something about him. You introduce Shorty and the Devourer in an action packed sequence in which they both land on Earth. This scenario reminds me of that 80’s movie Critters (creature comes to Earth, along with an alien good-guy character who attempts to stop it). I bet Shorty will end up helping the humans. I guess I’ll have to read on and see...
I know you don’t have this categorized as a comedy, but there’s some really good humor in this script.
You give side characters names such as Redneck 1 and 2. To me, this comes off as somewhat generic. I would recommend that you consider giving them not so real names, like say (for a movie like this); Bucktooth Redneck and Big Ear Redneck, or something close to it. Doing this also helps to add some color to meaningless side characters, and it’s easier to get an actor to play a Bucktooth Redneck as oppose to Redneck 1. If you were an actor, which character name would sound the most appealing to you? Sometimes little things like that can have a big impact in a script...
The Devourer most certainly lives up to it’s name. It comes off as a glutton, or like a dog who won't quit eating. I like it!
Page 23. The NARRATOR has no (V.O) next to his name.
Act 1. Pretty good. I’m wondering if Jefferson will put his old skills (that he left behind along with town) like the shooting and horseback riding to use before the story is over..?
Page 30. This parenthetical is right in the middle of dialogue; “(Looking to Ambrose)”. It should have a space of it’s own between the previous and forthcoming speech.
Oh, and so far I think your dialogue is really good. I’m no master at it myself, but it reads satisfactory to me. On the giving constructive advice side, I would highly recommend that you trim some of it down for a faster flow.
Page 47. I don’t think you need this line; “I can’t wait to get out of this town redneck town”. You already had him say it around page 30, plus we/audience know after the first act that he doesn't like the town and he wants to leave. I feel as if having this line, at this point in the script, may be both repetitive and overkill.
I like most of your visual writing. But... Sometimes I think you use too many paragraphs and too many details as well. I would recommend that you cut about a third of your description in these long winded sequences.
So I’m around the middle of the script now. And you got all these teenagers becoming alien-zombies and attacking each other. Now I have no problem with this, but I would suggest that you set them ALL up in a scene or two prior to this (like in act 1, or early act 2). I think setting them up beforehand would strengthen these token-death teenage characters. Also, most horror movies usually set up “almost” every character that will die in the story early on.
I’m passed the middle of the script now, and I would like to talk about your mid-point. The town people (teenagers) becoming zombies is an “alright” mid-point, but I feel as if this should happen sooner (like right after act 1). And in regards to midpoints in general, I think good horror movies should have that “point of no return” mid-point, just like From Dusk Till Dawn does. You know, THAT WOW MOMENT!!! I would suggest that you have the teenagers become zombies sooner, and then write in a kick ass “the town starts to get taken over” point of no return mid-point. The really good horror and action seems to come late in this script.
It seems as if Jefferson isn’t in much of the movie during the second half of act 2. Also, I notice someone tells him of the zombies attack, but I think he should experience it himself.
Page 78. The “I” in this sentence makes no sense to me; “I Anne is wearing”...
I would really like to see Jefferson go into the Act 3 with more of a goal.
Alright, so my read is done, which brings me to my final thoughts--
Jefferson’s character development is good. He has arc, even though it’s not a real ground-breaking one, but yet most movies like this don’t have a protagonist with an arc. My only complaints in the character department are the ones I mention above; I think Jefferson needs to be in Act 2-2 more, and I think he needs a better goal going into Act 3.
I’m aware that the Narrator is your comedy relief, and I have no problem with that. But I would like to suggest that you make someone in story the Narrator and reveal it at the end-- Just to tie the element in nicely. I’m thinking Old Ed would be perfect, but then you would have to rewrite the part to fit accordingly.
I feel as if you introduce Daisy too late into the story. I would recommend that you do this earlier, like say; The store scene at the beginning...
Try to keep your page count around 100. This genre doesn't require any more time than that.
Overall, this was a good read, and with a few more rewrites I could see this as a movie that I myself would pay to see! read
by Karl Gorman on 10/08/2012The Devourer – the “walnut” that grows semi-biological tentacles that adapt to whatever planet its on – is something new. And these space zombies are a unique twist on the zombie tradition. * Page 2 – Anne is not in all caps when we first see her. Page 3 – Debby says, among other things, “He was like a uncle to me.” Should be “an” uncle. (Yes, I know, this seems ridiculously... The Devourer – the “walnut” that grows semi-biological tentacles that adapt to whatever planet its on – is something new.
And these space zombies are a unique twist on the zombie tradition.
Page 2 – Anne is not in all caps when we first see her.
Page 3 – Debby says, among other things, “He was like a uncle to me.” Should be “an” uncle. (Yes, I know, this seems ridiculously picky, but the professional readers will be like that with the first ten pages. They WILL be ridiculously picky.)
Page 4 – ‘SOL SYSTEM.’ Why abbreviate ‘solar’ here? There’s enough room to fit it in. (Again, yes, ridiculously picky but essential at this early stage.)
Page 4 – ‘INT. STAR-SHIP CONTAINMENT CELL-DAY’ there needs to be a space between hyphen and the word ‘cell’ and ‘day.’
(The reason why I am pointing out these incredibly minor errors is because this script has rated well, but these errors are there nonetheless. Professional readers for big companies WILL intentionally notice them.)
Page 7 – ‘The door it slides open.’ Get rid of ‘it.’
Page 7 – ‘Earth looms large and grows increasing larger.’ It’s supposed to be ‘increasingly’ larger.
Page 7 – ‘INT. STAR-SHIP ENGINE ROOM- - DAY’ you have two hyphens before ‘DAY.’
Page 9 – ‘Warning lights blink as the friction of entering the atmosphere cause the pod to shutter as it’s ripped apart.’ I think you mean to say “being” ripped apart.
Page 10 – “in tact” should be “intact” (unless there is a difference in the American and the British vernacular… I am Australian, but our vernacular is British).
After the rabbit foot pun, the narrator’s comments started to get obvious and boring. Having a narrator, who is not one of the characters, is a quirky and interesting idea. But he (or she) has started to become dull by page 44.
Suddenly Anne IS introduced in capital letters on page 44. But we first saw her on page 2.
Then I read it to the end.
I still thought the narrator was annoying and dull, except for when he went “What the f**k?”
And since you’ve used this elusive narrator so much throughout, he really should close it up (after all, he was the first to speak).
The only evidence of “upping the ante” that I felt was when City Boy and Anne have their almost-intimate encounter with each other before the creature gets them. And even then, it only just barely works as “upping the ante” because we – the audience – know what lurks under the water.
(Just in case you are used to a different term, which is possible, what I mean by “upping the ante” is when the script is about to get to a vital plot point, the emotion of the situation needs to be as opposite as possible to the actual plot point. The opposing emotion to the plot point needs to be extreme, not just there.) read
by Boxey on 09/30/2012Rednecks vs Space Zombies Great title and synopsis, I was glad to get assigned what promised to be a fun script. And it delivered on that promise. This is a great, fun script. The story is quick-moving, vivid, with good characters. Only one big suggestion - I might tone down some of Jefferson’s anti redneck rant – it gets a little on the nose Make his comments more biting... Rednecks vs Space Zombies
Great title and synopsis, I was glad to get assigned what promised to be a fun script. And it delivered on that promise. This is a great, fun script. The story is quick-moving, vivid, with good characters. Only one big suggestion - I might tone down some of Jefferson’s anti redneck rant – it gets a little on the nose Make his comments more biting and less direct but other than that you don’t have much I’d change. Very well done!!
Page 1 You set the tone quickly. Your writing style is crisp!! Like the narrator’s description of Big beau.
Just a formatting nit – you have too much character description in parentheses, just the age should be in there, pull the rest out to sentences.
Good dialogue among the three –p2
You get the story fully established by page 3 - well done.
P4 format issue - you should introduce the aliens as characters
The devourer sounds very cool!
Pacing issue on 10-13 – think you should cut this down by 30%, some of the dialogue is too on the nose and could be tightened up.
P25 great line been cutting each other’s hair
P33 a few typos – “it tentacles” and “It’s mouth”
Story is moving very quickly
P37 think narrator’s comment needs a comma
P39 need an action line in 2nd scene
P40 need a ? in third line
P42 need to describe Shorty
P44 nice line Well, there might be some in the
woods. I think that’s why they call
it the woods.
P46 Ambrose second line doesn’t need a ?
P47 love Fort Awesome – great name and description
P52 great scene ends with a great line from the narrator
P58 An example of how well you describe scenes. I can totally see this on the screen.
P63 Great line from narrator re a good horse
P65 I might have missed him, but maybe there’s a role for Ed in this as it all starts to get crazy?
P76 elongate into typo. Love the narrator WFT line.
Love the bad ass kids.
P77 last line needs a ?
P78 6th line – delete I
P79 glad to see comment about Old Ed
P90 typo neck like and onyx collar.
P96 I’m amazed at how quickly this script moves. Well done.
P106 love the new family.
Great last scene.
by gberg on 09/29/2012Overall: A well written script. It is however way to slow to be an action movie and it’s not creepy enough to be a horror movie. I’m not sure what you are going for. A lot of the humor feels like action movie one-liners, and overall the character “belongs” in an action movie. The title sounds a lot more like an action/comedy sci-fi movie. The only real horror part is when... Overall:
A well written script. It is however way to slow to be an action movie and it’s not creepy enough to be a horror movie. I’m not sure what you are going for. A lot of the humor feels like action movie one-liners, and overall the character “belongs” in an action movie. The title sounds a lot more like an action/comedy sci-fi movie. The only real horror part is when the teenager gets drunk and dies. The whole scene feels like it doesn’t belong in the movie. There is some romantic/drama in the love story but it fades in contrast to the Devourer in the woods. I would try to make the script a bit more exciting and a bit funnier. I don’t think you fully “utilizes” the premise of the title Rednecks VS Space-zombies. Also you give to many characters too much “space”. All of this slows the movie down as I’m not “sucked in to” any of the many problems and characters. This is because you don’t have time to go “deep” enough in to any of them. I have picked the genre I felt was the strongest and the characters of the script that I felt was the main characters and tried to come up with suggestions on how to enchant their part in the script. It might not be the parts you like about the script but I hope you still get the point; you have to be clear what genre the film is, what characters you really want us to focus on, and then just cut down on everything else.
Core problem: The movie feels really slow in the beginning(last half of act 1 and first half of act 2). which is weird since this should be the part where the “adventure takes off”. In your story no one seems to know they are an “adventure” even though the audience knows it’s danger in the wood.
Start of by have the aliens explain a bit more detailed how the Devour “function” and how dangerous she is. Example: “universe most wanted” program on “space” tv showing how a whole planets population was “turned”. Show that she grows when she eats etc. If you already have a good set up for how she functions then might save you pages later.
Add Tom and Mary (they are the best characters) to the first scene with Jefferson. Just let Jefferson see them and shake his head at their redneckness as they do something fun.
Cut the “yard sale”. It Adds little new to the story. We know Jefferson wants to get rid of everything. We know Old Ed doesn’t want him to sell the farm. Place the horse and the Gun in the first scene with Ed and any dialogue you feel you can’t leave out (maybe Ed comes by with the gun and the horse to remind him of the good old days).
Cut Ambrose from the first scene with daisy because nothing that happens with him here really pays of anywhere else. He is a minor character. Daisy can take on some of his “lines”.
Cut the scene in the wood with Daisy and Jefferson. Instead make Daisy not like him from the beginning in a “I hate u because I loved you and you left” kind of way. Take some dialog and the knife “set up” from the wood scene and put in their first meeting. I see her as a “small” “flat” character, and Mary, as much richer character and the “heroine” of the story. Make these changes and Jefferson can still call her at middle of act 2 when the teenagers are partying.
Make the scene where Mary and Tom comes “home” the first time the scene where they run away. Squeeze the whole adoption story in their (maybe they look at picture of their parents, always god not to spell it out too much).
Kill of Dan in the first half of act 1 he fills no real role after that. Cut as many scenes with him you can.
Make the horror feeling of the whole “teens partying getting killed” more of an action feeling. Make it shorter we get it they are drunk kids they going to die, they are much more “tools” for the plot then “characters”. Get them all to the pond and let the monster just grab them throw them around (cool stuff as the kids call it). Then he turns them all. You have no character there that we really know and care for so you can’t make it too tense anyway; make it cool and exciting instead.
If you do the above, you should have some blank pages in the script (second part of act 1 - midpoint in act 2). Fill these with the 3 character that really stands out, Jefferson, Mary and Tom. Have some fun! This is the part were the story should already be setup and we want to be entertained! Have them interact and fight (Mary and Tom is great mouthing off characters against “civilized” Jefferson). Maybe Jefferson heres them hunting again and goes out to take care of it himself. Then you can have them bond when they face up against some zombie animals (rabbits?) that the Devourer created. Jefferson ofcourse thinking they have rabies or somthing (hard to see they were zombies when they been blow up by shootgun). And maybe a scene/montage where the other rednecks being “Rednecky” funny when attacked by zombies/zombie animals (maybe Dan is turned in act 1 and attacks someone). Then have Jefferson attempting to take the kids “home”. Tom and Mary gets pissed. Not wanting to go back to Glen they escape and find the “robot” and returns to the fort etc.
Smaller plot “fixes” from the midpoint on (when the monster “turns” all the kids.)
Have Glen turn in to a zombie with the rest of the teenagers, or even earlier. Change the plot order. Start with the attack on Tom and Mary and the fight with glen, and then go to Daisy arriving and going in to the woods/Debby arriving at house etc. Then have Tom and Mary meet Jefferson and Daisy in the woods. Add more zombies and have either Tom or Mary rescue Jefferson when they first meet or the other way around. Example: zombies holding down Jefferson just about to kill him (how is he going to get out of this?) and then Bang Tom and Mary blast them (Mary comments on Jefferson "not thinking kids should have guns"). Have them return to the house together. Throw in some zombies in the house when they come back. I would kill of Debby but if you like the pee its not necessary. Jeffery suddenly remembers Old Ed since zombies seems to be everywhere (his idea to save him came a bit “random” before). Don’t have him jefferson say the line about getting guns and let that be Old Ed’s surprise contribution. The stakes are not really raised that much in act 3. Maybe you can come up with someone being taken by the aliens so it is a more personal stake for our “heroes”. Example: Tom is taken by the aliens Mary cries and bangs on her alien killing robot to get him to save Tom, robot “wakes” up and they go after Tom/the Devourer. At the end let Jefferson be on the verge of getting killed when the rest of the rednecks arrive, so we feel they are truly needed.
Jefferson: He comes of a bit hard against the rednecks. Maybe put in something to show that he remember what he liked about his childhood, just put one thing in some scene early on.
Old Ed: Good character. He is Important since he has one of the few “dramatic scenes” with Jefferson, important to have good dialog.
Dan: Make him more of a city a-hole so Jefferson get the chance to show that he stills have some love left by defending the redneckss from the worst insults.
Daisy: Like I said make hear “love “hate him.
Tom and Mary: I Want to see more of them, draw on, the cuteness, the sibling rivalry, the crazy redneck stuff, and the mistrust of grown-ups.
Ambrose: Good comic relief/showing the bad side of rednecks. Except from crashing in to the monster he doesn’t add much in act 3. You might want to think of something else and leave the cops out of “getting beer” in the woods.
Shorty: I don’t like that shorty doesn’t really do anything at first and then becomes a “hero”. We don’t care much for him because we don't "know" him. The only reason to care is because Mary cares. He might as well just be a “weapon” they find with instruction how kill the Devourer. This would make Jefferson or someone else able to be more “hero” like in act 3. However I like the part with Mary and him, maybe you can give him a bigger part so you truly worry when he fights monster Anne? It feels like he steals the "thunder" from our “protagonist”. And it feels really wierd when Jefferson doesn’t even seem to care when shorty get smashed by Monster Anne. Maybe Shorty can "play" just the “teacher part”? And if so, maybe, Mary can find him and “wake him up” earlier but it takes time for him to remember? This way he can be fun “confused” part of the first half of act 2. Also I have no idea what this guy looks like running fighting etc. being short, stocky etc.
V.O: This feels super random? You don’t need this. All he does is freeze the screen and says a funny comment? In the beginning just have Jefferson brother be called out by name so the audience are on track with the story and let the characters say more funny comments instead.
Sometime the characters spells things right out. Think what a character “wants” and what they would say to “get” it. Another thing is to show thing visually instead of having a character say it. The best example I can come up with is Glen. Instead of having him scream at the children try to show how many times they been beaten for not following his “rules” by how cautious they are, maybe trembling from some simple task. Make us know they fear him before he even says something threatening. Maybe Mary laughs at Tom but stops herself with her own hands, and receives a angry glans from glen. Have Mary find a pizza crust under the couch or something to show she doesn’t get any food (of course Glen takes such a fine find from her and eats it).
Most characters have their own “voices”. You might want to make Dan a bit more like a “sleazy salesman”, maybe he has some slang for different sale tricks his gone use to maximize the profite from the sale.
Set up and payoffs
I would use the thrown away boots, holster, machete etc as something he first puts on when he is going to save daisy. He "turns in to" the riding gun slinging hero he ones was. Also to maximize the effect he should just say “not going on foot” (put on his hat) cut to (him riding out)(the generator can be turned on at an earlier time).
I see a payoff in the last word Mary or Tom says to Glen. Example Glen says in the set-up “I beat you because I love you” and Mary or Tom says after killing him “I beat you because I hate you”
I see a payoff in Mary hates to waste pickels? Maybe you want to set it up.
Jefferson complaining the kids has guns and then gets saved by them, time for a funny comment!
Maybe the redneck brings a bazooka in the end that Jefferson has complained about being “insane” earlier.
Old Ed says “Just being neighborly” at the end you can set that up.
Anyway get create some more and juice all humor out of the payoffs.
Some small things
6. I don’t get a clear picture of how big Devourer is here.
37. “Moves like a creature the world never seen?”. Please be a bit more specific since I live in the world and haven’t seen this thing move.
68. Side “explodes” on fort? I think i get the point but is “explode” a good word? Sounds a bit too violent or is it a bomb?
74. typo "clothes they have one"
If you think about all the teenagers that die from this small town it’s really horrible. You might want to replace it with something or make them "city kids" (maybe competing sport team and cheerleaders). The teenagers with the set-up and everything is great and changing it really f***ks things up for you. So only do this if you get some great new idea. (I don't think anyone will think of it)
That i wrote all these tips means that I found your screenplay fun enough to try to help improve it. When you get something like “it’s all good” and no changes it doesn’t really help you because you want a great script (or so I assume). Hope you get encouraged to improve the script and not discouraged by all the text! I know it hard to make changes since many changes causes “chain reaction” which means you have to change even more. I tried to give you tips on how to fix this and I hope you can solve it. Please feel free to email me if something is unclear, I might have made some mistakes. Keep on writing! read
Members Who Like This Submission Also Like...
Matthew Hardmann thought his past was dead & buried. He was only half-right. DEADSLINGER is an action film that... more
This is an old revision of the script which is kept up by TS as it was a SOM Nom.
Copyright © 2001-2013 Trigger Street Labs. All Rights Reserved.