Reviews of Retail 26

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  Fairy Well Done
  A review of Retail
  by paulakim on 11/29/2004
  Really great writing voice, great timing and sense of style. I think you really know what you're doing, and I can see an audience for this. It's actually hard to come up with a criticism that doesn't seem petty. One thing I suppose I could say is that I would have liked a little more substance or maturation if you will of Carrie and Jeff's relationship. I didn't have a... Really great writing voice, great timing and sense of style. I think you really know what you're doing, and I can see an audience for this. It's actually hard to come up with a criticism that doesn't seem petty. One thing I suppose I could say is that I would have liked a little more substance or maturation if you will of Carrie and Jeff's relationship. I didn't have a great sense of who she was. The thing is, I didn't care, though. I felt that would read on screen. Sometimes a writer just trusts that he doesn't have to be on the nose, that the reader will just get it. But of course that doesn't always happen. I really wish you luck. Comedy is hard--it's totally kicking my butt right now. I commend you on your great sense of funny/quirky. I'm jealous. read
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  Re - Retail
  A review of Retail
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 07/20/2004
  At 110 pages this SP has the length right on. Comedy is a difficult genre, one person's funny is another's yawn. So I'll leave whether it's funny or not aside. My main problem is structure. It comes across as a series of eposidic vignettes very loosely linked. (Much like a rushed-to-the screen sequel ). The story needs strengthening. The characters need strengthening and the... At 110 pages this SP has the length right on. Comedy is a difficult genre, one person's funny is another's yawn. So I'll leave whether it's funny or not aside. My main problem is structure. It comes across as a series of eposidic vignettes very loosely linked. (Much like a rushed-to-the screen sequel ). The story needs strengthening. The characters need strengthening and the need to turn the page is missing -no refelction on the content, the scenes themselves may be amusing or hilarious but that's not enough.. the driving force of the movie is missing. Work the spine.. give us a story beyond what Is a few months in a retail store.Finally, there's an article in this months Scr(i)pt magazine by Ray Morton a reader. It lists the warning signs. This SP hits too many of them.. masses of Flashbacks, non industry standard formatting (especially scene slugs), copious description of camera moves/directions, and especially his last point..it's about a screenwriter. read
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  Black Friday
  A review of Retail
  by jbwaz3 on 06/22/2004
  ...is the term for the day after Tgiving. The potential to be a real satire of the retail world is here, but not realized. Plenty of funny characters that need to be pushed a step further to become caricatures. The VO really does nothing but give background info. If you're going to use it (I'd say ditch it), have Jeff give actual, emotional commentary on the situations, not... ...is the term for the day after Tgiving. The potential to be a real satire of the retail world is here, but not realized. Plenty of funny characters that need to be pushed a step further to become caricatures. The VO really does nothing but give background info. If you're going to use it (I'd say ditch it), have Jeff give actual, emotional commentary on the situations, not just facts. Odd that other managers have been there for years, yet Jeff is hired on the spot into a comparable position. 46: Sunder dying if the first truly eventful thing. Up until this point, all we really have is people milling around in a store with no indication as to what the story is about, where it's going. I'd move this way up, maybe even have fairy sightings be a sublplot. 54: The company holds training classes for employees, yet Jeff, as a manager never had any. Identify flashbacks and fantasy sequences in the slugline. You'll be able to see on-screen that it's switched over, but hard to tell on paper. And more fantasies! The wrestler one is the best, but they're too few and far between (although they do pick up from this point on). If we're going to believe Jeff would slug someone over Carrie, they need to be closer. Slow start, but good second half read
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  RETAIL
  A review of Retail
  by aksmith on 06/04/2004
  I'm convinced that most mediocre writing comes from writers who watch too much tv and movies. It's derivitive. And that is the problem here. Character - Jeff is bland. He is rarely shown having a bad experience at the store, yet he constantly complains. The bad stuff happens to everyone else. And they are cartoons, not real people. Your characterizations rely heavily on unfunny... I'm convinced that most mediocre writing comes from writers who watch too much tv and movies. It's derivitive. And that is the problem here. Character - Jeff is bland. He is rarely shown having a bad experience at the store, yet he constantly complains. The bad stuff happens to everyone else. And they are cartoons, not real people. Your characterizations rely heavily on unfunny people with gross physical characteristics. Unibrows, farting, nosepicking, crotchfires, brow plucking. I can appreciate Mike Meyers, but yu're going for more Neil Simon in tone here. The dialogue is spotty, with only a few funny lines -e.g.The running gag - does he know about us? and P.98-"Because heroin's illegal?" Very funny. But, overall, there is no more chaos in J. Quentins than in my local Wal Mart. The dialoge needs to be pared back. Sunder's first line e.g. "What do you think of that?" is unnescesary. And this is true on every page. By page 9 you've intro'd a bunch of characters in V.O. Cut either the dialogue or the V.O. Much cliche - "I owe..." Cut it. By p.43, nothing has happened in the story. The loanshark seems an afterthought. Jeff being a writer raises the bar for clever lines. Disappointing. You have talent, but this needs work. read
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  The Shop on Mad Street
  A review of Retail
  by msbaum on 05/13/2004
  Farce is extremely diffcult to do and you've made an admirable attempt at it. There needs to be some semblance of reality, however, and to me this store doesn't exist. The salesmen are quirky and indivual but the complainig customers are all interchangeable.. Can a loudly farting salesperson be believable in this store where you can be axed at any moment? To my taste tne... Farce is extremely diffcult to do and you've made an admirable attempt at it. There needs to be some semblance of reality, however, and to me this store doesn't exist. The salesmen are quirky and indivual but the complainig customers are all interchangeable.. Can a loudly farting salesperson be believable in this store where you can be axed at any moment? To my taste tne violence is excessive but I guess it would play a la Home Alone, or It's a MMMM World. I agree on cutting down voice over, and less direction and acting parentheticals. Two fantasy characters are one too many: pick the shaman or Sunder. Jeff is utterly passive and needs our empathy with his plight rather than contempt at his inaction. He needs to act after all the reaction, and not via some deus ex machina; in fact I would enjoy him not listening to a misguided diety. All said though, there is more funny stuff here than in a dozen of its kind, and worthy of the Abrahams, Zucker, Farrrelly screwball comedies. read
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  Customer Service At It's Best!
  A review of Retail
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 04/28/2004
  Retail takes a refreshing look at what all of us have to deal with everyday. If you're not dealing with problems, you're making them for someone else. The first act is fast and very funny. The rest keeps you interested to the very end. The characters are very well thought out and may even relate to everyday people you know. This is what people need to see on the big screen... Retail takes a refreshing look at what all of us have to deal with everyday. If you're not dealing with problems, you're making them for someone else. The first act is fast and very funny. The rest keeps you interested to the very end. The characters are very well thought out and may even relate to everyday people you know. This is what people need to see on the big screen. Mark Loeffelholz seems to hit the nail on the head with the customers who make things impossible for the ones that have to deal with them. I recommend this one as a consideration to be seen at a theater near you. read
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  A Very Funny Script
  A review of Retail
  by dreamwire on 04/25/2004
  I reccommend this script to those of you who haven't read an enjoyable screenplay in a while. This script is funny, unpredicatable, and pretty original. Having said that, I think the script could use another draft, primarily to strengthen the central story (of which there is the merest wisp) and create a bit more of a "ticking clock," if you will excuse the hackneyed term... I reccommend this script to those of you who haven't read an enjoyable screenplay in a while. This script is funny, unpredicatable, and pretty original. Having said that, I think the script could use another draft, primarily to strengthen the central story (of which there is the merest wisp) and create a bit more of a "ticking clock," if you will excuse the hackneyed term. I think Jeff and the store employees are all well drawn and fun to listen to. Carrie is set up in an intriguing way, but Jeff's relationship with her doesn't really pay off in a meaningful way. She is a fun running gag but her character doesn't act as a romantic foil for the hero and she doesn't really challenge him. So I'd look at that. The flashbacks are fun, but I wonder if the script's veering off into the supernatural is totally successful, or even necessary. The shaman is an interesting character, and the lessons he offers are presented in a novel way, but the "fairy" who appears in the final act takes the story into stranger waters than we are prepared for. I agree with another reviewer who said that Jeff's VO starts out well but (like most VOs) ends up not really contributing to our enjoyment of the story. All in all, a great read. read
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  Im a merchant, not an astronomer.
  A review of Retail
  by sgtdeal on 04/25/2004
  Laughed my arse off! Shamen and gypsies, it just doesn't get any better than that! Mark, great job on this screenplay. The dialogue effectively captures the apathy and not-so-subtle nuances that pervade the retail environment. This was an entertaining farce that possesses the same comedic elements found in Office Space and Clerks. The limited locations and focus on characters... Laughed my arse off! Shamen and gypsies, it just doesn't get any better than that! Mark, great job on this screenplay. The dialogue effectively captures the apathy and not-so-subtle nuances that pervade the retail environment. This was an entertaining farce that possesses the same comedic elements found in Office Space and Clerks. The limited locations and focus on characters gives this a real chance to be produced by an Indie Prod Co. "These guys came in with a monkey and a string of beads...you don’t want to know." THIS is the kind of humor I'm talking about- perhaps not for everyone, but definitely appealing to afficianados of obscure and bizarre humor. You maintained some great running gags throughout the story , i.e. Jeff's perpetually lengthening ash at each of his jobs, and "does he know about us?" Great stuff. You effectively built up tension with the corporate three-complaint rule, which i thought was a clever idea. You also gave us insight into another side of Jeff with his reactions to babies and their smiles. Very nice touch. Although you used Jeff's voiceover sparingly, I have mixed feelings about it. I liked it at the beginning because it gave us some backstory, but it is probably unneccessary after. read
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  Dark Comedy
  A review of Retail
  by HRoberts on 04/22/2004
  This is a dark and cynical look at humanity, the only nice people in the script are babies. It's a great situation but there's no one to root for: the customers are rude and manipulative, the employees are rude and obstructive, and the hero is so passive that a shaman has to point him in the direction of a job, give him a magic drink, and ensure that a fairy alerts him to a... This is a dark and cynical look at humanity, the only nice people in the script are babies. It's a great situation but there's no one to root for: the customers are rude and manipulative, the employees are rude and obstructive, and the hero is so passive that a shaman has to point him in the direction of a job, give him a magic drink, and ensure that a fairy alerts him to a threat. Jeff only takes action in his fantasies; when he finally does something in real life, it doesn't change anything. What if he had lost it with one of the gypsies and screwed up their plans that way, instead of having to be told what to do? He needs to be someone we're cheering for and invested in. The shaman and fairies are cute but unnecessary; they don't accomplish anything that Jeff couldn't do on his own, so why not have Jeff do it? He could be seeking out experiences to write about and get more than he bargained for this time....good luck!! read
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  It's the most wonderful time of the year.
  A review of Retail
  by MarkLogan on 04/19/2004
  My confidence in a good screenplay has been restored. I really enjoyed this script. It was very easy picturing this as a movie. There might have been a little too much directing in some parts but that was not that big a deal. On more than one occasion I actually laughed out loud. The dialogue was very funny and the dream sequences were hysterical. I don't work in retail... My confidence in a good screenplay has been restored. I really enjoyed this script. It was very easy picturing this as a movie. There might have been a little too much directing in some parts but that was not that big a deal. On more than one occasion I actually laughed out loud. The dialogue was very funny and the dream sequences were hysterical. I don't work in retail but I do work in an office environment similer to it. I know what it feels like. All in all good job. read