Reviews of Roadshow (rev.6) 5

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  Wanton Wandering
  A review of Roadshow (rev.6)
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 08/11/2009
  Good to be handed a script from someone I respect from the boards. This one contained a strong thread of argument, too, so doubly good for me. Therein lies the rub, though, I'm afraid. Although a quick and easy read, concerning a subject I find interesting and can't recall seeing portrayed in film before, there was the sound of an axe grinding in the background all through... Good to be handed a script from someone I respect from the boards. This one contained a strong thread of argument, too, so doubly good for me. Therein lies the rub, though, I'm afraid.
  
  Although a quick and easy read, concerning a subject I find interesting and can't recall seeing portrayed in film before, there was the sound of an axe grinding in the background all through. So, I found much of the dialog fairly distracting, delivered as it was in much the same manner as the information in the movies discussed therein, and chose to focus instead on suggestions I would be willing to make to you at this time.
  
  I'll start, then, with the opening scene. IMO, we need to see the show and the life Esther and Morty lead first. Perhaps then they could board the train after being chased out of town.
  
  There they meet the salesman.
  
  The dialog on the train that follows is better than most, but nonetheless still relays information that would be better shown than told. Here, I would suggest you opened with the salesman trying to make small talk. Something along the lines of, "Burlesque, eh? How much for the girl?"
  
  He might also be a disgruntled member of the audience from a previous show, and not have a very high opinion of his cabin mates.
  
  Either way, I think I would get into the story quicker and stay in longer, ready to learn more about the times these characters live in.
  
  Now, after much banter we arrive in the court after a fashion, again and again, without much happening to further our understanding of the stakes. Then we have this bazaar scene with Soperton having a complete meltdown when challenged by a simple question about the first name of a famous author.
  
  As this is near the halfway point, one expects the crux of the matter to be at its zenith, with perhaps the star witness being removed to an asylum and the threat of jail looming large over the others.
  
  Nope. Nothing of the kind. Back to the room for cards and drinks and an early night for all.
  
  Page 54 then brings redundant exchanges between characters concerned with looking corny and having nice things, before we move on to more court delays that serve only to interfere with the pacing of the end of Act II, climaxing with redundant exposition on motivation and strategy.
  
  Not surprisingly, Act III opens with a whimper as the much ado about dirt is easily handled and dismissed and we learn that Esther's father was a communist, framed by industrialists, and also pardoned.
  
  So much of what follows in the home stretch could also be simply shown instead of told that it feels as if the movie is over and the characters are now discussing it, and not Esther's fate, over tea.
  
  So, to wrap it up and try to offer something helpful, let me put it this way:
  
  IMO, Esther's dialog could be reduced to almost nothing without loss of meaning or understanding if her actions were allowed to speak for her.
  
  Raymond could be jettisoned from the play entirely without ill effect.
  
  Morty could be maintained throughout, taking the lead in court and holding to principle after a life of running and hiding.
  
  Justina could be instrumental in the creation of much needed conflict and in raising the stakes.
  
  The judge and board hearing is a distraction and not cinematically very interesting. I'd say let the streets be the courtroom and let the public decide the fate of these characters and their films. Representatives of the censors can then be left to do what they do best: babble and obstruct.
  
  All told, I think you need a significant reordering of the scenes that survive the next revision, and a lot of new material should serve to shore up the structure. You would be right to dedicate more time to making this piece more visual and less didactic.
  
  The bottom line, then, is that I think you have hit upon an interesting subject with great legs, but the execution needs significant rethinking.
  
  Good luck with it.
  
  
  
  read
• 
  Review: Roadshow
  A review of Roadshow (rev.6)
  by dash737 on 08/06/2009
  The transitions here were superb, especially on page 31 when the flashing light in the motel room switched to the police cruiser. The writing was excellent, great dialogue, interesting characters, and a decent story. Yet, this would have been more a compelling story if centered around a young Esther, and showed more of her trials and tribulations working with her sleazy uncle... The transitions here were superb, especially on page 31 when the flashing light in the motel room switched to the police cruiser. The writing was excellent, great dialogue, interesting characters, and a decent story. Yet, this would have been more a compelling story if centered around a young Esther, and showed more of her trials and tribulations working with her sleazy uncle Morty. As a married adult with a child, it didn't bode well with her pushing artistic nudity. If Esther had the option of leaving town, why did she risk losing her daughter? Raymond never presented himself other than a smut peddler, so it's hard to believe Esther would risk her child in the name of artistic integrity. Yet this was an interesting and quick-reading story. Good luck with all you do! read
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  On the road again
  A review of Roadshow (rev.6)
  by Hankster266 on 07/30/2009
  The premise of the script is easy enough, working mom trying to stay out of jail. The working part begins to be stretched when she's making adult films and her husband is also there, he's trying to say they're "art". The story goes that she'd been trying to make a living through the 20's and 30's by being exploited by her uncle. Through several flash backs we can see her... The premise of the script is easy enough, working mom trying to stay out of jail.
  
  The working part begins to be stretched when she's making adult films and her husband is also there, he's trying to say they're "art". The story goes that she'd been trying to make a living through the 20's and 30's by being exploited by her uncle. Through several flash backs we can see her pain at having grown up that way. So why does she raise her own daughter that way? I know, it makes for a better story.
  
  One flash back in the hook is all that saved the hook. It was when she's 10 or 12 and trying to to stare at the stupid cows. I remember looking at the stupid cow, not quite the same memories she has, but I can see where she's coming from. Beyond that I'm not sure all of the flash backs are necessary. So the hook was overdone.
  
  The trial on the other hand was long and boring, not quite the right word, but okay it's long. The verbal battle for the "artiness" was long. Like real life, it doesn't take long to know what's artsy and what's lewd. The second act was well written in both direction and clarity.
  
  But like most skin flicks it lacked the human warmth. I guess I feel that way about courtrooms in general.
  
  The third act did have the big payoff, but it takes to the very end to do that. When Esther finally breaks from her husband and his life style to remain with her daughter is what I found "real". It had a resonance of truth, like the artsy films were trying for but never succeeded. I think I'm looking for that perfect home too, just beyond the sunset.
  
  Basically a good story and a fast read. But I was not interested in the courtroom battles, I liked the inter-personal interaction, at least in the end as mother and daughter try to find themselves, each other and their way in the world.
  
  Good work, keep it up
  
  I look forward to seeing your next project. read
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  Courtshow
  A review of Roadshow (rev.6)
  by jason0222 on 07/30/2009
  This was a super fast read! I love that. You have a nice breezy style that moves the scenes right along. Though, there were issues that need some attention. I did feel the script was a little dialogue heavy. I know it's a courtroom drama, but the same occurred outside the court as well. And most action lines seemed to focus more on description than revealing character... This was a super fast read! I love that. You have a nice breezy style that moves the scenes right along. Though, there were issues that need some attention.
  
  I did feel the script was a little dialogue heavy. I know it's a courtroom drama, but the same occurred outside the court as well. And most action lines seemed to focus more on description than revealing character. In fact, Ester is the only character I had the slightest clue about. Most characters felt pretty one dimensional.
  
  It is hard for me to pick on your SP, since I enjoy your comments on the message boards and you seem like a great guy. But this is also why I want to give it to you straight... as I see it, anyhow.
  
  I also felt like you may have moved the action along too quickly at times. Especially in the beginning. I loved your opening, and was settling in for a wild, raunchy ride with an "Uncle" being suggestive about a young girl. I was like, "uh-ohhh, what have we got here?" And then -- BAM! -- she's in her 40s. Took the wind right out of the sails.
  
  This is true for a lot of the courtroom action too. Often, when you built up the tension, you quickly solved it and we would start all over with the next stake. It may have been stronger to have less stakes that were more powerful, so as to keep us on the edge of our seats. Or at least take longer to solve them.
  
  Basically, I never felt Ester was in danger of being beaten.
  
  I'm not sure I was convinced about the whole daughter-being-taken-away parts. It wasn't really threatened based in so much law, as it was "hey, you better get straight with the girl, or else." And Ester just accepted it so easily. Though we learn later she may have had her own plan all along. It also didn't scare us as viewers because they kept mentioning that if anything turns sour they would just skip town. No worries.
  
  And what legal reason did she have to "pretend" to fulfill Judge's wishes after the trial? Wouldn't her husband at least want to know that? He drives off into the sunset sooo easily. It didn't feel like it was based in truth. I guess you want to stress what a shallow guy he is?
  
  Do we even want the daughter to end up with the mother? Should we be pulling for that? Is she really a good mother/person?
  
  And we never got a chance to develop feelings for Justina. The only time we liked her was near the end when we find that she busted her own mother. But that was a mixed bag. I guess I liked when she did the opposite of playing hookie and snuck into school to just be a kid for a minute. But that was so short-lived. More of that would've been nice.
  
  I know this is based on a true story, but it still needs a life all its own. Especially for people like me who have never heard about this story.
  
  My overall thought as I neared the end was "why did you want to tell this story?" What was the actual point to be gained from hearing/seeing this story? I think the general masses at this point already agree with sex education and that prohibition and censorship are not really effective or even healthy for our society. So what is the greater meaning? That is what you may need to bring out of the story. Maybe you already have it and I just missed it. So it might need to be clearer.
  
  I will say that you made some of the twists in court fun to experience. Though I was a huge fan of Boston Legal and many other such legal shows, so nothing knocked my socks off.
  
  I would've better liked the setting-up of her rival, if she hadn't asked the bartender what was in his envelope. This telegraphed to us that she would find a way to counter whatever happened in Scranton.
  
  I also felt the final court scene was very anti-climactic. The whole movie was built around this moment and he simply reads that the votes were in her favor. This is where we need to savor the moment longer and build to the climax and see her rejoice and her opponent suffer.
  
  And then the resolution was a little confusing. What I think happened was that this was an elaborate scheme for her to get the husband out of the picture. It may not be clear enough though. I guess we didn't think he was THAT bad. Maybe you want to make him even worse if this is the case. A little sex on the side, that Ester doesn't seem too outraged about, may not be enough to build a movie up to end on. If he was abusive, sure.
  
  There really wasn't much by way of typos and spelling. Several times you had [a] where it didn't belong. Like here:
  
  P3 "offers a reefer to [a] MARY LOU"
  --Not really sure you should even use reefer unless a character says it. It's pretty outdated. You did fine after using "joint" instead.
  
  The good news is that you obviously understand the craft and write extremely well and in a very reader-friendly way. That is HUGE! It means you know how to move the action along and keep things hopping. Building dimension into the characters is the toughest part. Hopefully that will be your main focus in the next draft.
  
  Best of luck!
  
  -Jason read
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  Have Porn, Will Travel
  A review of Roadshow (rev.6)
  by fencik on 07/29/2009
  Reminiscent of the film “Paper Moon,” “Roadshow” is an enjoyable read, well written, with lots of zippy dialogue. The script is an interesting contradiction: The lead character, Esther, is a hard drinking former burlesque performer turned traveling porn film pioneer, yet the story has the warm Disney-like feel of a family film. The smart and feisty heroine is the script’s... Reminiscent of the film “Paper Moon,” “Roadshow” is an enjoyable read, well written, with lots of zippy dialogue. The script is an interesting contradiction: The lead character, Esther, is a hard drinking former burlesque performer turned traveling porn film pioneer, yet the story has the warm Disney-like feel of a family film.
  
  The smart and feisty heroine is the script’s best feature. She is a strong and strong willed protagonist who’s actions drive the story forward, but very little is revealed about her. More emphasis should be placed on her character, especially in the first act, and how she changes by the story’s end.
  
  The trial scenes, although generally well written and amusing, fail to generate momentum or build much tension. One of the problems is poor plot structure. Apparently, Esther’s goal is to win over the jurors, but winning over the jurors never seems to be the focus of what’s happening in the court room until the end. (“My Cousin Vinny” is a great example of comedic courtroom drama.)
  
  The ending is a bit anti-climatic. All the courtroom maneuvering, jury pandering and political machinations add up to naught when all’s said and done. The whole thing boils down to the Judge letting Esther off with little more than a stern warning.
  
  Ultimately, what is this story about? In the end it’s about a mother accepting responsibility for her daughter, but that’s not how it starts out.
  
  The writing is on the lean side, which is good, but it may be a little too stingy on description.
  
  Good luck.
  
  Notes:
  
  Page 1 - Do not double space between “FADE IN:” and slug line.
  
  How is someone sitting in a movie theater supposed to know it’s 1914?
  
  Page 2 - Do not double space between scenes.
  
  Page 3 - How is a moviegoer supposed to know it’s now 1939?
  
  Page 62 - You jump from the slug line: “INT. COURTROOM - DAY” straight to dialogue. Always set the scene.
  
  The scene between Esther and the Store Owner isn’t very compelling. read