Reviews of Romulus-First Draft 9

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  Romulus
  A review of Romulus-First Draft
  by gorilla82 on 02/24/2012
  Romulus is a very well written screenplay and very easy to read. The premise in Russia is interesting as well as the tragic death of Romulus girlfriend , but soon after things quickly go on automatique as far as the story goes. The real problem with this story is that it isnt very original , it adds nothing new to a large canon of films already in the genre.The cinema is... Romulus is a very well written screenplay and very easy to read. The premise in Russia is interesting as well as the tragic death of Romulus girlfriend , but soon after things quickly go on automatique as far as the story goes. The real problem with this story is that it isnt very original , it adds nothing new to a large canon of films already in the genre.The cinema is over saturated with comic book films and for a screenplay to succeed in a competitive market place it has to stand out from the crowd. Sadly Romulus dosnt for me. There are many humerous scenes and plenty of action but most of the time just fall flat.The characters are very two dimensional and unintersting. The only character which stands out is the villaness who is sent by Victor to steal Romulus powers.But this is very much a seen it all before paint by numbers story and I didnt feel you had any passion or enthusiasm for the genre. There is plenty of evidence in this screenplay that you are a capable writer but I suggest next time you invest your time and energy in writing something you really believe in. read
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  Review of Romulus
  A review of Romulus-First Draft
  by vbrewer1 on 02/05/2012
  OVERALL IMPRESSION The sp is riddled with formatting problems and typos. I've tried to point out the typos. But, the formatting issues are present on each page. Also, there are at times when there is an overlap in what you write in the action and the dialogue. But, the dialogue isn't bad. Within the first 30 pages, I knew whose story it was. But, there weren't enough... OVERALL IMPRESSION
  The sp is riddled with formatting problems and typos. I've tried to point out the typos. But, the formatting issues are present on each page. Also, there are at times when there is an overlap in what you write in the action and the dialogue. But, the dialogue isn't bad.
  Within the first 30 pages, I knew whose story it was. But, there weren't enough details to determine what Romulus wanted to achieve. It was unclear why he had gotten powers. It was still unclear at the end how he obtained his powers. The story does establish that Mia was responsible but it isn't clear how. It also isn't clear how Karp was stealing other people's powers and what those powers were.
  
  It wasn't clear why Romulus gave up everything to protect other women. I would assume it is because of Mia; but, there are no similarities between how Mia died and what is happening to the women. Also, why doesn’t he try to save people in general. He lost his job as a lawyer and became a janitor because he was not getting enough sleep. That is contrary to the typical 'hero' story. But, it doesn't work.
  
  Romulus' character needs development. The fact that he rides around on a scooter and lost his job as a lawyer, makes him less interesting and seem cognitively weak. There is a good opportunity to build on his job as a lawyer. So many questions regarding the plot could be answered.
  
  Samantha is not a likeable character. While she is at times portrayed as a victim, it needs some work. It is unclear what her occupation is up until the end. She was Mia's lab partner. Consider making her seem more intelligent and playing a willing participant until the end. She is portrayed as a spoiled little girl when she is first introduced There are opportunities to establish her as a character that we sympathize with. She immediately comes off as unlikeable. There is no apparent struggle between good and bad.
  
  Miles is an interesting character and seems to be a humorous and eccentric character. The yellow suit adds to his character development making certain scenes dark but comedic. Certain scenes have a dark comedy feel woven into this dramatic sp.
  
  The plot has holes that make the concept loses its potential. Why and how did Romulus get his power? The initial scene where Romulus is a child shows up that he wishes he were strong with big arms. But, how and why did Mia give him those powers. What was Karp's initial relationship with Simpkins? Karp calls and says they have been compromised. Build on that. How were they compromised? Samantha's father falls asleep and there is an explosion.
  
  The relationship between Simpkins and Karp is unclear. In the beginning, it appears that Simpkins is a friend that helps Karp and invites him into his home. Over time, Simpkins appears to be controlled by Karp. Build on that relationship and give some details describing the change in roles.
  
  
  
  read
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  Review of Romulus
  A review of Romulus-First Draft
  by stevenroy on 02/03/2012
  First, thanks for writing a very fun script. I like the superhero genre, so this was a fun read. However, I still think the script needs a bit of work. Please take my critiques as an attempt to make the project even better and, of course, it’s just my opinion. Character Romulus learns early that he has the power to heal, but has asthma. Later he becomes super strong and instinctively... First, thanks for writing a very fun script. I like the superhero genre, so this was a fun read. However, I still think the script needs a bit of work. Please take my critiques as an attempt to make the project even better and, of course, it’s just my opinion.
  
  Character
  
  Romulus learns early that he has the power to heal, but has asthma. Later he becomes super strong and instinctively knows when women are in trouble. It's not clear how Romulus gets his super strength which leaves a bit to be desired. I like that he is big and hairy and doesn't look the part of the traditional superhero.
  
  Miles. Romulus' best friend and sidekick.
  
  Mia, Romulus' girlfriend who gets murdered by Karp.
  
  Karp, an evil Russian scientist that steals superpowers and has a plot to release a virus and save on the intelligent people.
  
  Simpkins, the mayor and Karp's henchman.
  
  Samantha, Karp's adopted daughter who has the power to command men.
  
  Plot: The main conflict of the plot is caused by Karp's plan to release a virus and then only heal the intelligent people. He will need Romulus' healing ability to pull off this plan so he sends his adopted daughter Samantha to seduce him.
  
  I'm not clear on how Karp's plan would benefit him. I know I wouldn't mind leaving in a town with just smart people but I'm not sure how a super villain would monetize that or put so much effort into doing that. I think the plot could be simplified with Karp wanting Romulus' powers of healing so he could heal himself and live forever. I'm also not clear why Simpkins is so willing to help, but you could give Simpkins cancer and a family of his own to care for and suddenly has good reason to help Karp, because Karp will cure his cancer. Speaking of Simpkins, it was hard to believe that Romulus would give his power to such a creep, especially since he was a tormentor of women, not a savior.
  
  While this was overall a very fun read, I at times couldn't tell if I was reading a superhero drama or comedy.
  
  Dialogue: While a lot of the dialogue is really good, at times it could be filled with exposition, see the conversation between Miles and Romulus when Romulus begins to suspect Samantha is up to no good.
  
  Action: Too much of the action details things we couldn't possibly see on the screen, such as smells. Be cautious of this on rewrites. Describe what can only be shown to the viewers visually.
  
  She closes the door gently. The young man goes back to his
  work with a sigh. He scribbles equations on a worn piece of
  paper. Rubs his temples and yawns. The numbers are blurring
  , his eyelids droop. He slumps against the table, jarring
  it. The candle falls and flames lick the wood. He snores
  lightly. The orange glow spreads and engulfs the beakers
  just as...
  
  I would redo long sections like this and do them as as series of shots. How are we supposed to experience the numbers blurring.
  
  The door closes gently.
  
  The man goes back to work with a sigh.
  
  He scribbles equations on worn paper and rubs his eyes.
  
  The candle has melted down to just a few inches. (show passage of time)
  
  The man slumps against the table. The table is jarred just hard enough for the candle to fall against the table.
  
  The flames lick the wood as the man falls into a deep sleep. The flame reaches the old paper and races toward the beakers.
  
  Romulus best friend Miles Bruce is seated at an outside
  table, checking his watch, drumming his fingers and twirling
  an empty coffee cup on the table. He stares at the seat
  across from him and the lonely cup of coffee. In contrast to
  Romulus, he is always on time, always immaculately groomed
  and ready to step off the front of a fashion magazine. The
  familiar motorized sound approaches. Romulus parks and joins
  him.
  
  How are we going to know from just looking at him that Miles is always on time and that he's Romulus' best friend?
  
  And, nitpicks, Unagi is Japanese, not Chinese. What does Miles do that he would easily get a rocket launcher/grenades.
  
  Again, thanks for writing such a fun script and best of luck with the project. read
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  Review of Romulus
  A review of Romulus-First Draft
  by DontStealMyScript on 01/31/2012
  First Impression - length is good, but action blocks run long on some pages. This seems like a good first draft of a comedy. But the biggest issues you need to address in your rewrite are character and story. Your characters are oversimplified and unsophisticated while your narrative feels contrived and at times cartoonish. You need to try harder in these areas in order to... First Impression - length is good, but action blocks run long on some pages.
  
  This seems like a good first draft of a comedy. But the biggest issues you need to address in your rewrite are character and story. Your characters are oversimplified and unsophisticated while your narrative feels contrived and at times cartoonish. You need to try harder in these areas in order to be taken seriously as a screenwriter.
  
  Be sure that you refer to all your characters by only one name throughout. Sometimes you refer to Simpkins as Herman and it becomes confusing to the reader.
  
  Page 7 Romulus untwists the young punk and he twirls like a puppet tornado? Is this supposed to be a mixed animation/live action like Roger Rabbit or Space Jam?
  
  You should strive to keep your action blocks to 4 lines or less, to make it easier on the reader.
  
  Page 9 How can your audience possibly tell by seeing his face that Karp abused steroids? You should minimize the use of unfilmables in your script.
  
  In the last paragraph on page 16, which 'he' are you talking about?
  
  Page 18 This is three times in three pages that Miles has said "I'm sorry" to Romulus. An indication that you need to work harder on improving your dialogue.
  
  Your scene headings should list INT. or EXT. first.
  
  When Samantha and Romulus have lunch in Act I, it feels forced. We understand Samantha's motivation (she wants to help "Dad" capture Romulus), but why does he ask her out? And why is he not a little more concerned that the night they met she tailed him. It all just seems contrived behavior so that you can tell your stories. But to be a good writer, you have to set your characters free, allowing them to do what they want instead of what you want.
  
  I cut way back on my notes at some point in the second act. It's never a good sign when a reader loses interest in your story. But stiff upper lip and all that stuff. Writing is rewriting and we all have to face that monster before we can become a professional. read
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  A fun story
  A review of Romulus-First Draft
  by Jan456 on 01/28/2012
  But, it needs a little work. Not a lot mind you, for a first-draft I was really impressed. My first draft was riddled with errors, con fusion and boredom. But this one is pretty good. Just a few minor issues. pg.3 This is where the script starts doing certain things that are not necessary. Having very long action blocks,7-10 lines. You should never... But, it needs a little work. Not a lot mind you, for a first-draft
  I was really impressed. My first draft was riddled with errors, con
  fusion and boredom. But this one is pretty good.
  
  Just a few minor issues.
  
  pg.3 This is where the script starts doing certain things that are
  not necessary.
  Having very long action blocks,7-10 lines. You should never
  have more than 2-3 lines per action blocks. Readers dont like it.
  
  Also " He scribbles equations on a worn paper. Rubs his temple
  and yawns. " This should be all one sentence with comma's.
  
  Fade to: This shows up a lot in the script and its not necessary
  
  pg.7 Another huge action block- 10 lines.
  
  pg.9 More long action blocks. These need to be cut down.
  
  pg.26 The conversation on this page spends a lot of time on introductions.
  Unless thier names are important to the script, this is not necessary.
  
  
  Overall the dialogue is a little life less. I mean, its not really clever
  or witty or different, which is ok in an action script like this one but
  I think you do want a little comedy or a quip once in a while just to keep
  us listening. Just a suggestion. The action is good so its up to you.
  
  Its a good story and somewhat unique. I mean sure super heros revenging the
  death of his girlfriend isnt original but several things about it is. I like
  it. Work of the rough parts a little and I think you have a really good one.
  Good luck.
  read
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  Superhero on a Scooter
  A review of Romulus-First Draft
  by Bill Osinski on 01/24/2012
  This script works best as a spoof of the comic-book action movies. Romulus is a reluctant superhero who rides a scooter, doesn't sleep so well, is very hairy and doesn't particularly want to be a designated savior for damsels in distress. That's a pleasant change from your standard Spiderman, Batman or X-Man. His name is too much of an inside joke, a play on the mythical founder... This script works best as a spoof of the comic-book action movies. Romulus is a reluctant superhero who rides a scooter, doesn't sleep so well, is very hairy and doesn't particularly want to be a designated savior for damsels in distress. That's a pleasant change from your standard Spiderman, Batman or X-Man. His name is too much of an inside joke, a play on the mythical founder of Rome who was raised by wolves. When the script strays from comedy, however, things don't work so well. The heavy dose of assaults and murders are too much of a clash with the moody Romulus and his sidekick Miles. And when the villainous Viktor is dispatched with a rocket launcher,things have gone way too far over the top. Also, the ending scene is far too facile and silly --Romulus transfers his superpowers to the strange Mayor Simpkins,who in turn agrees not to detonate his biological weapon of mass destruction. The writer needs to decide whether she wants to write a special-effects comic book movie or a simple comedy. Trying to mix them does not work in this case. A note on format: many of the action blocks are very long, and so important action elements are buried with long stretches of text. You might want to try breaking them up into one or two-sentence paragraphs. I found myself having to go back through these blocks to make sure I had grasped all that had happened. Romulus seems to be a nice guy, but what is he doing in a movie like this? read
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  Romu-Com
  A review of Romulus-First Draft
  by Michael Keller on 01/23/2012
  This was a fun, entertaining, quick read. Romulus and Miles were very likable characters. The dialog was cute - occasionally a little on-the-nose, but overall quite serviceable. My favorite aspect of the script was that Romulus was a sort of pathetic, shlubby guy, which made him compelling and different. I would encourage you to further accentuate his sad-sack persona -- show... This was a fun, entertaining, quick read. Romulus and Miles were very likable characters. The dialog was cute - occasionally a little on-the-nose, but overall quite serviceable. My favorite aspect of the script was that Romulus was a sort of pathetic, shlubby guy, which made him compelling and different. I would encourage you to further accentuate his sad-sack persona -- show more scenes of him failing and being ridiculed and rejected. It would also be funny if you added to the villain's Dr. Evil-ish characteristics - he's already sort of a cartoon, so you might as well make his arrogance and vanity even more larger than life.
  
  The awkward scenes are the best, so I encourage you to throw in as much awkwardness as possible.
  
  A couple formatting tips:
  
  -Int. or Ext. go first on the slug line.
  
  -Action paragraphs should not exceed 4 lines. You can break them up.
  
  -Readers generally prefer that you forgo “is.. ing” like instead of “Romulus is zooming along on his scooter,” you would write “Romulus zooms along on is scooter.” It’s supposedly more immediate that way. I dunno…
  
  Minor point: “With power comes responsibility” was used in Spiderman.
  
  Overall, good job! read
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  Romulus - First Draft
  A review of Romulus-First Draft
  by BLSibub on 01/19/2012
  Action! Super Powers! 95 Pages! I was drooling as I was downloading this one. This feeling left me when I started reading though. The first thing that hit me with this is that the dialogue lets this down. Conversations seem forced, like the words being used aren’t thought out and are just a means to an end, a way of getting information across to the reader and nothing more... Action! Super Powers! 95 Pages! I was drooling as I was downloading this one.
  
  This feeling left me when I started reading though.
  
  The first thing that hit me with this is that the dialogue lets this down. Conversations seem forced, like the words being used aren’t thought out and are just a means to an end, a way of getting information across to the reader and nothing more. For example:
  
  Pg3. YOUNG MAN
  Leave, daughter!
  
  This doesn’t sound realistic, it just sounds like you needed him to have something to say and also needed the reader to know that the girl was his daughter at the same time.
  
  Pg7 When Romulus takes out the bad guys he says “Pleasant dreams”. I’m sure that you could have come up with something better than that. Pleasant dreams sounds like something that batman would say after knocking people out; and I don’t mean Christian Bale, I mean Adam West!
  
  Pg8 She watches, her pain turning to fascination, then relief.
  How do you watch your own pain? This needs to be re-written.
  
  Pg9 KARP
  (Russian cussing.) Identify
  yourself!
  
  All parenthetical text should be lower case, you don’t need to punctuate it with the full-stop (period) and “Identify yourself!” should all be on a different line.
  
  Pg10 HERMAN speaks. Who is this?
  I don’t want to seem pedantic but on Pg43 Romulus and Samantha are sitting in a Chinese restaurant where they get sushi and sake, which are both Japanese. You don’t get Japanese food in a Chinese restaurant in England, but maybe you do in American restaurants in which case please ignore this comment.
  
  I know that in "genre" you have specified comedy but parts of this feel more farcical than mere comedy:
  
  Pg9 You have the secret password as the song sunshine lollypops and rainbows
  
  And…
  
  Pg58 You’ve got a Russian guy called Brewski.
  
  Not to mention that the way that Romulus finds out that he has powers feels allot like the way the teenagers in X-Men realise their powers, and the similarity between Romulus having a deadbeat personal life, a going-nowhere job and a rich best friend has to the Spiderman films means that I would advise doing this a full-on spoof.
  
  As a result of not being just a comedy OR a drama and having some good comedy scenes as well as some farcical elements, this does have a tendency to feel confused.
  
  I think that you have a good sense of humour and at times I think that you have reigned yourself in a bit with this as to get all of the different aspects such as comedy and drama in to it.
  
  As you have mentioned yourself, this is a first draft and is therefore going to be subject to re-writes. So your first BIG hurdle is over; just finishing it in the first place, so well done for that! My advice to you for your first re-write would be to go back to the beginning and re-write the whole thing as a “Superhero Movie” style film, and work on the dialogue.
  
  All in all, the story wasn’t bad and the dialogue did improve as the SP went on.
  Good luck with this. read
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  DIALOGUE AND STORY
  A review of Romulus-First Draft
  by eddiekins123 on 01/18/2012
  Although in the title it says "first draft", I believe that's why I feel the story, dialogue and characters are lacking. when I read it, I feel like there is something there. so I believe that it needs a new treatment altogether, meanwhile keeping what the synopsis reads the same and changing names and characteristics of the characters along with it. I'm sure other readers... Although in the title it says "first draft", I believe that's why I feel the story, dialogue and characters are lacking. when I read it, I feel like there is something there. so I believe that it needs a new treatment altogether, meanwhile keeping what the synopsis reads the same and changing names and characteristics of the characters along with it. I'm sure other readers would like the names given to the characters in your script, It just seems like those names do not work for this script. I would say strengthen the weak points i mentioned which are the Dialogue, Story and characters. Once those weaknesses are fixed, i'd like to have another read. read