Reviews of Seven Against Thebes 18

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  One of the better one's I've read but still needs work
  A review of Seven Against Thebes
  by jovan.jevtic on 08/03/2011
  You have a good style and I can see you put a lot of work here. This was one of the better SPs I've read here. Here are my thoughts: Page 9: DEACON: there's no dialogue here. Page 22:How’s a fella supposed to get any beauty sleep Just a thought: Did they know what beauty sleep was back then? Page32: The two scenes with the German didn't help the story move forward. They... You have a good style and I can see you put a lot of work here. This was one of the better SPs I've read here. Here are my thoughts:
  
  
  Page 9: DEACON: there's no dialogue here.
  
  Page 22:How’s a fella supposed to get any beauty sleep
  Just a thought: Did they know what beauty sleep was back then?
  
  Page32: The two scenes with the German didn't help the story move forward. They didn't get anything from him and you could've showed the racism part in another scene
  
  Page 49:
  Okay here are my thoughts for the first half. You're aiming for the remake of Seven samurai or the magnificent seven which is a good idea but world war 2 stories are not so popular these days.
  Try to put it in Iraqi maybe it will work better. The second thing is that you have problems with the structure. In fun and games part you've got talk talk talk.
  Try to establish character earlier on since in the beginning I had trouble making distinctions between the characters. The best way is you do it through action. Make some of your characters do special things.
  Also since you are lacking in action I suggest you make a German patrol come to the village. So that is how they find out the Germans are coming back.
  Give us action and use it develop more character. This is action, war movie right. Also I would make one character use knives so you honor the magnificent seven even more.
  Also the Isabella Evans love story happens too fast. you should let it develop.
  
  Page 52:
  Try to make cuts in scenes with headers. You write moments later or the nex morning.
  Do a INT. CHURCH - MOMENTS LATER
  
  Page61:Gabriella and the Partisans coming in is your midpoint I guess.
  At this point I can’t help but say there are too many characters
  Also the midpoint is not that strong. You should work on it.
  
  Page 72: Put DEACON as he continues to talk
  
  
  Page 87: The German Major as a main antagonist is also a probelm. He's nowhere to be seen for more than half of the movie. Why don't you let him get caught and pretend he's mute or something and then escapes? Or even he doesn't need to pretend but later escape.
  In that way he can have some dialogue confrontation with the Americans and when he escapes he can kill someone and give you a stronger beat.
  All in all this was a good and inspiring read read
• 
  Good WWII Amer African movie
  A review of Seven Against Thebes
  by James Cremin on 10/15/2007
  During the time of the second world war, the races in the American army must still segregated. Late in the war, American secured key positions in Italy and even getting help from the paisans in kicking the Germans out. I can see why this got Screenplay of the Month. A bit old fashioned and that's good, it gives the archtypes of an unit. One who takes charge. One though... During the time of the second world war, the races in the American army must still segregated. Late in the war, American secured key positions in Italy and even getting help from the paisans in kicking the Germans out. I can see why this got Screenplay of the Month. A bit old fashioned and that's good, it gives the archtypes of an unit. One who takes charge. One though serious, provided comic relief. There's even a love story, a bit implausible but plausible nevertheless.
  The last pages of what was this all for when the Seven Against Thebes stories was recounted. In a sense, the Italians won this battle but for the history books, they lost the world. Did I care and relate to the characters? Yes, I did. Hopefully the writer will find a director who can be in sync with all this. Could use a few tweaks here and there but generally this was a very good read. read
• 
  Seven
  A review of Seven Against Thebes
  by CrownPrince on 09/01/2007
  I must say that as an african american i enjoyed this script on a personal level immensely. Now honestly i think there could have been some more character development, more fleshing out of the soldiers and the towns folk. It isnt just a story just about the war. It is a story about the people of that time that era... What might have been even more interesting is to have... I must say that as an african american i enjoyed this script on a personal level immensely.
  
  Now honestly i think there could have been some more character development, more fleshing out of the soldiers and the towns folk.
  
  It isnt just a story just about the war. It is a story about the people of that time that era...
  
  What might have been even more interesting is to have shown a black german. There were a few of mixed heratige who participated in the war and had to deal with their own issues concerning the stigma and prejudice of the german army.
  
  Akira's story dealt with the interaction of people, showing who these people were in glaring detail...so if anything i would add it would be just a smige more insight in the characters personalities. read
• 
  Awesome
  A review of Seven Against Thebes
  by DinoLencioni on 08/30/2007
  I loved the tagline, got me excited to read it. And it was just as exciting. I loved the build up, I loved the characters and the tension. My only critisim is the language and conversations felt odd at times and unatural. This id dnot take away from the excitment of the script, but perhaps I was looking for something to get into other than the action. That is not to say the... I loved the tagline, got me excited to read it. And it was just as exciting. I loved the build up, I loved the characters and the tension. My only critisim is the language and conversations felt odd at times and unatural. This id dnot take away from the excitment of the script, but perhaps I was looking for something to get into other than the action. That is not to say the action isn't enough in a film like this, only that it can add to it. Historically, the sceens I would wonder are not accurate enough, but again, doesn;t seem to be a bother. read
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  Return of the Seven
  A review of Seven Against Thebes
  by mlambush on 08/24/2007
  Sorry I sat on this one for so long, I was in the middle of finishing up my own WWII script. I was pretty excited to get a script set in the same setting as my current one! I liked the concept: "Glory" meets "The Seven Samurai", with Deacon a combination of Denzel from "Glory" and Mifune from "Samurai". Your script sticks pretty closely to "Seven Samurai", so any studio... Sorry I sat on this one for so long, I was in the middle of finishing up my own WWII script. I was pretty excited to get a script set in the same setting as my current one!
  
  I liked the concept: "Glory" meets "The Seven Samurai", with Deacon a combination of Denzel from "Glory" and Mifune from "Samurai". Your script sticks pretty closely to "Seven Samurai", so any studio picking this up would need to secure the rights.
  
  Once things got going, I found it very entertaining. Your third act, in particular, was excellent. You have a knack for writing exciting action sequences.
  
  There's a few areas where I felt there could be some improvements.
  
  Dialogue -- This is my biggest complaint. There's just too much talking. It's okay if one character, say Deacon, is a blabbermouth, but many of your characters have dialogue blocks that are four lines+, and since you cheated a little on the dialogue margins, they'd actually be much longer if properly formatted.
  
  Structure -- Since you didn't make it explicit in your logline that this was a remake of "Seven Samurai", by page 36 I wasn't sure where the story was going. Not until p. 46 does your Act I truly end, where your protagonists make a decision that spins the story off into a new direction. This scene should come no later than p. 30.
  
  And that's not because you have to adhere to some paint-by-numbers formula for writing, but decades of screenwriting studies have shown that if the first act of a story isn't over by the 25% mark, people start shifting on their butts. And it wasn't until p. 46 that I was like "ah ha! now I see where this is going." But that's 45 minutes into your movie. Which means your Act II is all of 30 pages long (since Act III starts on 76 with the dawn of the German attack). Act II is supposed to be the longest of the three Acts, and here it is the shortest.
  
  Some of the stuff you have in your first 46 pages -- the love story, the meeting of Stephano (oh, and by the way, there's no "PH" in Italian, so his name would be Stefano), etc., could all happen AFTER the Seven decide to make their stand.
  
  Story -- I think there needs to be more of a reason for them to be in the village. In "Seven Samurai" and "Magnificent Seven", the heroes were hired by the town. Here, of course, that's not really possible, so how about they are assigned to defend the bridge, since its an important crossing, and thereby the town, since the town controls the bridge? That way, you create an ironic situation when the Seven realize the only way to defend the town IS by destoying the bridge, and thereby compromising their orders. It'd be a great way to create conflict between the characters!
  
  How about a planning scene, where they formulate their defense strategy? And the scene where they train the villagers to fight? I felt like there were a few missed moments for some cool stuff.
  
  Characters -- I'd like to see some more differentiation between them in a future draft. In "Samurai" and "Magnificent Seven" each of the guys brought something different to the table, a different skill. I think it would help if your heroes were like the black GI Joe -- you have your leader, the demo expert, the marksman, the medic, the engineer, etc. Because while some of the characters, like Deacon, really stood out, others blended together. And Deacon mostly stood out by his dialogue.
  
  The Major needs a name, and more of a presence. If he's the baddie, we've got to see him more than just at the beginning and the end. How about having some of our heroes harrass the enemy lines or something?
  
  Misc. -- Formatting could use some work. Rather than break it down blow by blow, I just recommend you read Trottier's "Screenwriter's Bible" for the lastest spec norms. You were also missing 95% of your commas. Not a big deal on a first draft, but something to consider when you start polishing.
  
  Well good work, I enjoyed it! I hope my comments are of use to you in your future drafts. read
• 
  SEVEN AGAINST THEBES
  A review of Seven Against Thebes
  by dongately on 08/21/2007
  Good action story. Characters are well drawn and situations are believable. The afterword, explaining the story is based on real history makes the film more authentic and valuable. The fact that all the soldiers were African Americans adds to the drama. The interaction between the Americans and the Italian villagers is particulary appealing. However, the screenplay is... Good action story. Characters are well drawn and situations are believable. The afterword, explaining the story is based on real history makes the film more authentic and valuable. The fact that all the soldiers were African Americans adds to the drama.
  
  The interaction between the Americans and the Italian villagers is particulary appealing.
  
  However, the screenplay is badly in need of proofreading. I found numerous words left out, or words that did not fit. Examples are on pages 33 "here out here",47 villager 2 twice,54 call (called),58 "runs out woods",59 corporeal (corporal),63"a villager help", 64 "there was church", 72"realization on face", 75 "retrain (restrain), 76 "you kind", 97 "cover of behind",97 "fallbacks" 101 "his Deacon's face", and 105 "you're going to okay"..
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• 
  Review of Seven Against Thebes
  A review of Seven Against Thebes
  by Devenot on 08/16/2007
  Overall, I thought this was a solid script with a great concept and well developed characters. I found the dialogue to be particularly strong and it gave me a great feel for the characters’ personalities and quirks so that by the climax I was invested in the outcome. That being said, I do think that there are some structural problems that are holding the story back. In... Overall, I thought this was a solid script with a great concept and well developed characters. I found the dialogue to be particularly strong and it gave me a great feel for the characters’ personalities and quirks so that by the climax I was invested in the outcome. That being said, I do think that there are some structural problems that are holding the story back.
  
  In my opinion the script suffers the most in the beginning of the second act when they first arrive in the village. There was a distinct lack of tension and urgency during this section despite the fact that they had just gotten out of a battle and were trapped behind enemy lines. I think you might be able to address this by making the villagers openly hostile to their presence in the beginning. They want them out, but the soldiers have no choice but to hold up there. You could make the whole section more chaotic too, maybe one of the soldiers gets badly wounded, maybe they’re separated from Swan for a long time, and the whole time they could be tensely waiting for Germans that they think could show up at any time. (I guess basically just a lot of yelling fear and confusion.)Then once things settle down (perhaps Swan could show up finally and with the kid, thus causing the villagers to calm down and give them a chance.) you could pick up with the banter and exchanges.
  
  I also felt that the script jumped into things a little too quickly. We had hardly met these guys before they were in the middle of the big firefight that sets the story off. I think you could have spent some time showing us their life in the army. Make me see what it meant to be an African American soldier in the US army, (great opportunity to build on the theme of racism during the second world war) then throw the Germans at them.
  
  I also think you need to expand upon the theme of racial marginilization. In the script the issue is generally only referred to in dialogue and I think fitting some more real instances of it in could really help. For instance if you included some scenes early in the script that showed discrimination in the context of the US army and then later had them arrive in this town of italians villagers who didn’t want them there, it might provide a good opportunity for some of the soldiers to really vent their frustrations. (Some might think that the villagers would have been more welcoming to white soldiers and thus the question of why they’re even involved in this war comes up). Whether these suggestions actually work for you or not, I’m positive that you need to somehow find a way to expand upon the racial themes in this script.
  
  I’m also not sure if I like the opening scene for the script. Though it manages to set up the village’s peril, it’s not a particularly interesting scene. I’ve seen the hanging, the praying and the wicked commander thing too many times in other movies. I think you could put something in there to really hook the reader.
  
  smaller issues
  
  Evan’s and Isabella, their relationship progresses far too quickly. Give em some time to get to know each other.
  
  The major disappears for too much of the script.
  
  When introducing the characters it was annoying having all of them described as African American. Maybe just explain that the whole unit is African American and then point out the few white American soldiers in the script.
  
  I don’t yet buy the script’s title or the exchange that explains it. It feels forced. I think strengthening the theme of racial marginilzation throughout the rest of the script might fix this.
  
  Hope you find some of these comments useful. Good luck with it. read
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  A joy to read!
  A review of Seven Against Thebes
  by MARKEL on 08/08/2007
  This was a nice read and a wonderful story. The Characters came across and appeared real. I would have played with the relationship with Evans and Isabella a little earlier. The concept of the story was good. The structure was pretty good and the story moved along at a steady pace. The Character spoke with a voice of their own, however I think you can research and write the... This was a nice read and a wonderful story. The Characters came across and appeared real. I would have played with the relationship with Evans and Isabella a little earlier. The concept of the story was good. The structure was pretty good and the story moved along at a steady pace. The Character spoke with a voice of their own, however I think you can research and write the Italian dialect.
  
  I saw a couple of areas that you may want to take a look at as part of your revision. On page 23. Check the Deacons name, you have Deavon. Then on page 31. You should have the Prisoner speak, instead of just telling us he is saying it. And last but not least on page 37. check Deacons dialoque.
  
  Keep working I think you have something special here. read
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  THE SEVEN MAGINIFICENT BLACK SAMURAI
  A review of Seven Against Thebes
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 08/02/2007
  First of all, I don't think you should hide the influences. THE SEVEN SAMURAI is such an iconic piece of work that openly using it is okay. Therefore, your logline should be something more along the lines of: "Seven African-American soldiers band together to defend an Italian village from a platoon of Nazis." That is a much more attractive script to read. I had almost given... First of all, I don't think you should hide the influences. THE SEVEN SAMURAI is such an iconic piece of work that openly using it is okay. Therefore, your logline should be something more along the lines of: "Seven African-American soldiers band together to defend an Italian village from a platoon of Nazis." That is a much more attractive script to read. I had almost given up on this one in the meandering first act. The SEVEN SAMURAI conceit is the real strength of this piece and so you want to advertise that up front.
  
  This script has some really great action sequences. The writing is really authentic. I found myself going online to find out what a sten gun was. And, although you could have thrown in the words "submachine gun", the fact that I did that is a sign that you've hooked your reader.
  
  The biggest problem with this script was the characters. I found most of them indistinguishable from one another. The only ones I had a clear bead on were DEACON, STEPHANO, and MARCO. They had very clear problems that defined them. And DEACON was clearly modeled on Mifune's character. The others just blurred together as their stories were not unique enough. For example, I got confused between Isabella and Ettore. The one having the romance was good but, because I didn't know who the other one was, I got them mixed up. Also, there seemed to be two educated, multi-lingual men among the seven. I got confused between them. I suggest having just one, a la GLORY where the educated soldier has trouble fitting in.
  
  One thing you might consider doing is follow the plot of THE SEVEN SAMURAI even more closely. The scene with the woman killing the guy with the hoe was great in that regard. But I think you could benefit from having the seven soldiers have to train the villagers and prepare for the battle more. As is, we don't get to see that great preparation montage that films like this need. Also, because the resistance folks are pretty competent, it's not really just seven against the Nazis. Presently, those fighters are more than just villagers. They fulfill the archetype of the tough, local guerrilla. You might want to portray them as incompetent in order to lift your men up further.
  
  Finally, the writing itself could use some work. On the macro level, many scenes seem to have too little too say. They aren't part of a larger sequence and just stand alone to illustrate some small point, often ending with a grating wisecrack. Instead, this information should be integrated into other scenes. Along these lines, the reference to Thebes should be thrown into the second act, not tacked onto the ending in the cheesy manner it is now. Then it will be more of a matter of will they succeed, or not? You could even start to tell the story in the middle of the second act and have it interrupted, only to be finished at the end of the third (where it is now).
  
  On the micro level, there are a lot of small grammatical errors. Most of these could be found through more proofing, but one that recurring one is that hyphenated adjectives are not hyphenated. In addition, the formatting needs a lot of work. There are strange spaces after parantheticals, no spaces after hyphens in sluglines, and speeches lack character names when they continue over the page - to name a few.
  
  All of this being said, this is still a solid piece of work. The fact that I write so much indicates how much it held me and is worth working on. read
• 
  Excellent and compelling story
  A review of Seven Against Thebes
  by jrpayne on 07/25/2007
  This is a very compelling story. You have done an outstanding job conveying the individual personalities of each character. Not an easy feat when dealing with this many players. The action lines are extremely well written. I commend you on all the research that must have been required to pull this off so convincingly. My father-in-law was a veteran of WWII and served in... This is a very compelling story. You have done an outstanding job conveying the individual personalities of each character. Not an easy feat when dealing with this many players. The action lines are extremely well written. I commend you on all the research that must have been required to pull this off so convincingly.
  
  My father-in-law was a veteran of WWII and served in both Italy and Africa. He was the recipient of both a bronze star and a purple heart who coincidentally past away the 11th of this month. He would have loved this story. I’m sorry he’s not around for me to relay this tale.
  
  I feel obliged to comment of a couple of things that, in my opinion, could be improved upon. Note I use the phrase could be, not necessarily must be. I don’t think you will have any problem whatsoever selling this sp “as is” provided the right director and producers get their hands on it.
  
  It took me some time to get into the swing of the sp but, I think that is a problem inherent to an ensemble piece. Names without faces and keeping track of the individual characters within the group is much more difficult on paper than it would be on the screen. I think one way to resolve this issue would be to incorporate a bit more action early on because it was, in fact, the action that compelled me to continue. I really didn’t start loving the story until they decided to help defend the town, until then it pretty much seemed like every other WWII infantry movie I’ve ever seen with the exception of the Negro troops. And that point brings to the forefront my only other complaint. I felt the whole theme would have been much more effective if you had really turned loose and let the villagers show more distain for the soldiers in the beginning. I felt that you copped out a bit in that area to maintain a decorum of political correctness that actually lessened the whole point of the script. Prejudice in the mid 40’s.
  
  Very well done. Congratulations. I hope you make stacks of cash, you deserve it.
  
  
  
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