Reviews of Sex, Love & Kilimanjaro 20

• 
  Some good writing
  A review of Sex, Love & Kilimanjaro
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 10/27/2005
  Good opening that grabs the attention with a little mystery and humor. What's going to happen? Some witty lines. Really like the way it flashes to the breakup from the bar. That's well done. At page 19 now and the Patrick/Diane exchange is heating up, in a good way. Amy and Carol both work well. And a good break into the second act with the Patrick/Diane split. Good midpoint... Good opening that grabs the attention with a little mystery and humor. What's going to happen? Some witty lines. Really like the way it flashes to the breakup from the bar. That's well done. At page 19 now and the Patrick/Diane exchange is heating up, in a good way. Amy and Carol both work well. And a good break into the second act with the Patrick/Diane split.
  
  Good midpoint too with the Patrick/Wendy sex and leading us on with the more hesitant Diane/David build. Well done with that contrast. Up until the last act (placed well, though), the only criticism was going to the nits, which can be annoying when something is so polished and ready to go. Details:
  
  CONCEPT: Not a high concept, but a very workable one. It accomplishes what it set out to do, and that is a very good, often witty, character driven study.
  
  STORY: The story is strong and builds with a solid structure. Then tension builds and the reader wants to know what is going to happen, and gets some laughs in the process. Only the ending feels/reads weak.
  
  CHARACTERS: The strongest aspect. Very well done and believable in the "being real" sense. They often leap from the page and actors would have fun with them and would probably find them an interesting challenge. This is great since it is a character piece.
  
  STRUCTURE: Nearly perfect with bouncing like a ping pall ball from one set of couples to the next and is masterfully done. The inciting incident with the David/Wendy breakup is right on time, and turning points between acts 1, the midpoint and into act 3 work nearly perfectly. Again, only the ending is weaker. Would the BERNARD/Patrick conversation work better if adapted between Diane/Patrick? Also, maybe the ending wouldn't be so anticlimactic if Patrick and Diane invited Wendy to the last supper along with David. You know, playing cupid.
  
  DIALOGUE: Often leaps off the page and witty in a LOL way. Very good, intelligent and it works for each character. They all speak in their own voices.
  
  OVERALL: Solid. Nearly perfect in fact for what it is trying to do. Again, maybe it's just me, but it seems the last few pages could use something more. A good read by an accomplished and talented writer.
  
  A few nits:
  
  Than I'm to forage
  
  It means that I want tired of
  
  But Maybe this is an opportunity
  
  suit, Patrick but (missing comma)
  
  Really Diane, (missing comma)
  
  Cut this? INT. LONGWOOD HALL - DAY
  Patrick talks on and on and Wendy listens. (We already know. Good way for Patrick and Wendy to meet, though, and love her repeating history line. :)
  
  The are signs
  
  The continue in
  
  Patrick and Wendy and enjoying
  
  Wendy and Patrick stand amid a crowd examining ???
  
  friend Bernard give him talk at the
  
  Does MAN = WILLIAM?
  
  what you're used to you
  
  Arrogance jerks,
  
  What if
  PATRICK
  Was I that bad?
  
  One more nit. A title that captures the humor might go a long way. read
• 
  Sex, love, and Confusion
  A review of Sex, Love & Kilimanjaro
  by filmnet on 04/06/2005
  Over all I liked this story. The Characters where strong and they seemed to drive the plot rather than be driven by the plot (for the most part). Wendy and Diane were by far your strongest characters with a good character arc. I like the comic relief characters. The Naked mom thing made me laugh out loud and Carol’s wit was unmatched. I had a few problems with the Character’s... Over all I liked this story. The Characters where strong and they seemed to drive the plot rather than be driven by the plot (for the most part). Wendy and Diane were by far your strongest characters with a good character arc. I like the comic relief characters. The Naked mom thing made me laugh out loud and Carol’s wit was unmatched. I had a few problems with the Character’s choices in certain situations. For one I didn’t understand nor believe why Patrick and Diane would just start sleeping with someone else immediately after a break up of a 25year relationship. Wendy’s only flaw was that she didn’t want to go out with Patrick, and then she did to get back at David. And after the date she had sex with Patrick. Why? Why did she all of a sudden change her mind? David was kind of unlikable. He was mean to Wendy and annoying when infatuated with Diane. David and Patrick’s happy day when they blow off grading the tests, while funny and well written, seemed out of place with the characters and mood of the film. Then from there they go to the bar and talk about Patrick’s sex with Wendy. The whole time I was confused why David didn’t react in the same fashion as Patrick when the Herald and Maude joke hit him. I wanted more happenings in the restaurant. It seemed like a good set up and then it didn’t pay off. Then end seemed to just wrap up as well. It felt a little rushed like trying to get it under 120 pages. I wanted much more of a bang of an ending. The lecture hall seen was great but the dinner for the last ten pages and the park bench seemed to drag and feel a little unrealistic. Who would have the guy that slept with his wife over for dinner a week after he found out? These things confused me. But over all I liked your script. I don’t have any suggestions for you because you are the writer not me. This is your story. I’m simply looking at, as a spectator and not a writer and letting you know what didn’t work for me as and audience member. But again I like the story and plot. Some things just need to be tighter. read
• 
  SLK review
  A review of Sex, Love & Kilimanjaro
  by tommytwonines on 03/31/2005
  SLK has some good laughs, flashes of inspiration, and it's an easy read (thank you), but I think the characterizations and story elements need work. The main characters (David, Wendy, Patrick and Diane) are slightly nuanced, although not much. Long-suffering wife, ditsy co-ed, boring professor. Patrick, by the way, is introduced with absolutely no physical description. We find... SLK has some good laughs, flashes of inspiration, and it's an easy read (thank you), but I think the characterizations and story elements need work.
  The main characters (David, Wendy, Patrick and Diane) are slightly nuanced, although not much. Long-suffering wife, ditsy co-ed, boring professor. Patrick, by the way, is introduced with absolutely no physical description. We find out on page 47 that he's bald, which didn't jive with my mental picture of him. Give Patrick at least
  a line of description when he's introduced. Minor characters with speaking roles also require at least a word or two of description (Carol Winters, for example).
  The secondary characters need fleshing out, IMO. What's the difference between Kevin and Bobby? You could collapse them into one boozing-buddy sidekick without losing anything. Either that or give them distinct personalities, because right now they're just sounding-boards for Kevin.
  The young female characters are even more cliche and I think this script could get a "pass" from many readers based solely on that aspect. Don't get me wrong, some of the dialogue between Wendy/Amy is clever, but they're SO superficial. And then you throw in the pretty airheads at the bar. It might be funny, but it's demeaning and unrealistic. There are no pretty, perky AND intelligent, inquisitive females on a college campus? I was shaking my head.
  In a few scenes, I thought you unnecessarily sacrificed believability to suit the plot or provide a comical scene. Why does Kevin insist on the tequila-drinking binge in the middle of the day? It would make more sense if Kevin actually LISTENED to David's sob story and THEN he pulls out the bottle to drown David's sorrows. It seems contrived: David needs to get drunk to set up the funny confrontation in class so Kevin conveniently shows up with some tequila.
  The classroom confrontation suffers in a similar fashion: All that dirty laundry is aired out in public in front of the history class? It's possible, but you have to JUSTIFY a scene like that. David (who's drunk) has to say something like "No, let the class hear, I don't care - a modern history lesson!" Each main character seems oblivious that they have a large audience.
  
  Random notes: There's some questionable dialogue at the end. David: "I'm very grateful for the time I had with you. And devastated there won't be more. I'm old enough to know this ache will fade, but young enough not to care."
  I don't know - what do others think? The resolution between Patrick, Diane and David seems a little too easy and unlikely.
  Orchid should be "orchard".
  Page 48: Watch out for descriptions like :They all nod in agreement but it's hard to tell if it's for their marriage or Patrick's new home." How do you film that? Again, at the Red Sox game: "Patrick pauses as he remembers that the last time was with Diane." He hasn't been to a Red Sox game in 25 years or more, not since
  that first date with his wife? How does the audience know that?
  Page 48: It sounds like David's never seen Wendy in a dress and high heels. Some boyfriend he must have been. All that talk about wanting her to improve herself and he never took her to an opera/fancy restaurant/night on the town? read
• 
  Great first draft
  A review of Sex, Love & Kilimanjaro
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 03/26/2005
  If this is the first draft, then I genuinely salute you. A really good approach to a story that seems to have been told several times. The way you handled the whole script was great. I especially like the way David played around on both sides without anyone knowing anything. Just one thing, maybe you should elaborate more on Wendy's old self a bit. The first conversation didn't... If this is the first draft, then I genuinely salute you. A really good approach to a story that seems to have been told several times. The way you handled the whole script was great. I especially like the way David played around on both sides without anyone knowing anything.
  Just one thing, maybe you should elaborate more on Wendy's old self a bit. The first conversation didn't give me the impression that David had, maybe one more scene with her and it would be clearer.
  Other than that, really enjoyable. Great dialogue (and funny, don't you dare change it) and the way the conflict was solved was really nice. It would have been too cliche if David and Wendy had gotten back together, so thnk God you didn't do that. Great work, really. read
• 
  Great Insight into Human Nature
  A review of Sex, Love & Kilimanjaro
  by dreich on 03/26/2005
  Do any of the characters in this screenplay have super powers? No, but maybe the screenwriter does. He manages to describe intimately (and accurately, I believe) the issues of middle-aged married people, single young men, and single young women. Quite an accomplishment. Throughout, the dialogue was crisp, delightful, and authentic. This writer has a wonderful ear for dialogue... Do any of the characters in this screenplay have super powers? No, but maybe the screenwriter does. He manages to describe intimately (and accurately, I believe) the issues of middle-aged married people, single young men, and single young women. Quite an accomplishment. Throughout, the dialogue was crisp, delightful, and authentic. This writer has a wonderful ear for dialogue and a sharp 'seeing eye' that allows for engaging description. The story was fresh and compelling. The scene where David gave a drunken lecture and then Patrick, Diane and Wendy all came in and aired their dirty laundry in front of all the students kind of knocked me off the story for a while. Maybe it would work in a movie, though. Maybe a sense of outrageousness would fit in there. Regardless, I think a lot of actors would like to play these roles. This was a very professional effort. I suspect that this script would have a future, in the right hands. read
• 
  Twists and turns
  A review of Sex, Love & Kilimanjaro
  by CEEarl on 03/26/2005
  I really enjoy dramas when there is betryal and always that since of untrust and deceit. It makes the story more interesting, because of all the characters gradually against one another and the reader also not knowing who to trust from one minute to the next.
• 
  Excellent style, clever story, good dialogue
  A review of Sex, Love & Kilimanjaro
  by justinmc on 03/24/2005
  Well, what can I say. In terms of style, content and concept, this is probably one of the best scripts I've come across on TS. Truly a smooth, read, very smart. CONCEPT: This strikes me as a low-budget independent film more than a summer block buster, but I think you already know that. It's fairly fresh from what I could see. STORY: Good stuff here. It takes some refreshing... Well, what can I say. In terms of style, content and concept, this is probably one of the best scripts I've come across on TS. Truly a smooth, read, very smart.
  
  CONCEPT: This strikes me as a low-budget independent film more than a summer block buster, but I think you already know that. It's fairly fresh from what I could see.
  
  STORY: Good stuff here. It takes some refreshing turns with true creativity (David getting drunk, then having to teach). I'd love to see more development in the beginning. I read Wendy totally different in the first 20 pages than I did in the last 100. There's not a real strong build toward the climax, and the denoument is a little long. It progresses steadily and is a very lean story.
  
  
  CHARACTER: Along the lines of development, I'd love to see even more flair to these characters. I like that Wendy's not the most knowledgeable girl out there -- but if you're not careful, she'll be denegrated by the sophistication of the other characters. Give her a little more flair.
  
  DIALOGUE: Crips, clean, smart. Can you give the characters stronger, identifying voices? The more you differentiate them, the better they'll be.
  
  STRUCTURE: Not much to say, it works well. The turning points can definitely be strengthened, so we have a real build toward the climax in the lecture hall.
  
  STYLE: Lean and sparse, excellent work. read
• 
  Sex, Love, etc...
  A review of Sex, Love & Kilimanjaro
  by nearmiss on 03/20/2005
  Overall - Average Character - Average Wendy needs work. I had trouble taking her seriously througout. Diane is clearly painted and well done. The men are a little too feminine to be believable. Concept - Good Two couples swap partners and discover what they gave up is not new, but it is entertaining. Dialogue - Average The dialogue, for the most part, has a nice natural... Overall - Average
  
  Character - Average Wendy needs work. I had trouble taking her seriously througout. Diane is clearly painted and well done. The men are a little too feminine to be believable.
  
  Concept - Good Two couples swap partners and discover what they gave up is not new, but it is entertaining.
  
  Dialogue - Average The dialogue, for the most part, has a nice natural sound to it, but a lot of it is superfluous. Ask yourself if a given conversation is vital to the story or if it provides necessary character insight. If the answer is no, cut it. The long day to day conversations are realistic, but unnecessary. David's speech has a somewhat feminine quality to it. Patrick's dialogue occasionally ventures too far into formally stilted territory.
  
  Story - Average By p.20, I'm mildly interested in your characters, but I haven't a clue about where you are going to take me with this. When the story of these two couples finally gets moving, I can see where it's headed, but I didn't mind taking the trip. The ending wraps up nicely, but too much so. The "conventional friendship arrived at in an unconventional way" was a little hard to take. I stand by what I said about your concept, but you might consider taking a different route there.
  
  Structure - Good You might consider adding FLASHBACK/END FLASHBACK at the end of these sluglines for clarity. Look at the visual quality of your scenes. There isn't much happening from a viewer's standpoint. Talking heads can work great on television, but they need to be really compelling to hold someone's interest on the big screen.
  
  You've included a lot of intuitive description in this piece. P. 7 is a good example of this. Describe what can be clearly shown without narrating it. The jokes fall just short. This piece could use a general grammar polish. The numerous errors distract the reader. read
• 
  well written and crafted
  A review of Sex, Love & Kilimanjaro
  by notoriety on 03/18/2005
  I found myself really enjoying this script, made me smile, though I wouldn't call it an out and out comedy, it's got oodles of charm that made it move along briskly. Patrick and David are set up excellently, their characters are well drawn and clear. Patrick and Diane's fighting and breakdown of their marraige is subtley and deftly handled, especially Patrick's unwillingness... I found myself really enjoying this script, made me smile, though I wouldn't call it an out and out comedy, it's got oodles of charm that made it move along briskly.
  
  Patrick and David are set up excellently, their characters are well drawn and clear. Patrick and Diane's fighting and breakdown of their marraige is subtley and deftly handled, especially Patrick's unwillingness to face the problems in his marraige until directly confronted, ie when he suggests he move out to "work on his book"
  
  The contrasting and comparable journeys Patrick and David take are very well handled, both characters serving as perfect foils to each other. The relationships develop well and never seem forced. We know exactly why each character is persuing their respective relationships.
  
  The inter-cutting between some scenes is excellent, eg David pursuing Diane as they talk about architecture and Patrick pursuing Wendy as she sits and asks about his class.
  
  The faults I can find with the script are minor. There are a number occassions where dialogue is in big meaty fifteen line paragraphs, most notably on page 25, I feel they should be broken up a bit to give a better sense of pace, it becomes more noticable because the pacing and structure is excellent over-all.
  
  Patrick's dialogue is inconsistent at times. It's a shame because mostly his dialogue is excellent and shapes the character perfectly. There are a couple of occasions where he swears for instance, especially on page 80 when he says "F*ck, when did I become such a loser," is just doesn't seem to fit his character, I can't imagine those words coming out of his mouth
  
  There are a few too many pop-culture references for my liking, I'd just be afraid that they could date the script very quickly, oh and I don't know if it was deliberate but Carol refers to Britney Spears as Brittany Spears on page 28
  
  I would've liked a bit more punch at the end. I think the characters should've faced some consequences for their actions. Patrick in particular made some wrong choices and is never really made face up to the fact. The ending lacks a certain sense of justice or something, I just can't quite put my finger on it. I think maybe Patrick should have lost his job, maybe he didn't mind and went to work on his book or something, I don't know.
  
  Overall a great script, really enjoyable, a definite sense of 'Wonderboys' about it. Slightly soured by the ending but not enough to do it any lasting damage. read
• 
  Engaging
  A review of Sex, Love & Kilimanjaro
  by Campo on 03/15/2005
  Although predictable in its outcome, the script was engaging. I didn't see the story so much as a comedy but as light entertainment. There were humorous parts, though, such as when the woman in the theater bathroom made comments to Diane about David's age, when David saw Wendy with Patrick at the Conference, and when both parties were at the restaurant. Those sorts of details... Although predictable in its outcome, the script was engaging. I didn't see the story so much as a comedy but as light entertainment. There were humorous parts, though, such as when the woman in the theater bathroom made comments to Diane about David's age, when David saw Wendy with Patrick at the Conference, and when both parties were at the restaurant. Those sorts of details provided enjoyable comic relief.
  
  There were a couple of mispelled words here and there, such as "your" for "you're" (p. 24) and also a place where the writer should have said "with Diane and me" instead of "Diane and I" (p. 49). (It was jarring to hear an educated prof. make that grammatical mistake.) There were a couple of places where I felt the dialogue was either too long or strained...around pages 4 and 5, later between Patrick and Diane (pp. 24 & 25, etc.), and even later on pages 110 & 111, when Patrick and Bernard talk. It's not that the dialogue is preachy, but that what the characters said seemed predictable. It also bothered me that David attended dinner at the Webster's house and made polite small talk after Diane and Patrick knew about each other's affairs. That seemed unnatural.
  
  The relationships seem real, especially David and Patrick, although I don't think that in real life the Prof. and his TA would discuss Wendy's loins, etc. Diane and Carol seemed well suited to be friends, and David's buddies were definitely developed as foolish and adolescent. I didn't thnk, however, that it was necessary for Kevin and Bobby to drop their pants at the restaurant window. That wasn't funny. The sex between the various parties was predictable but necessary for the plot. The script didn't lift me, but I did find it pleasant and entertaining. I kept thinking, this person knows how to write a script, but where is the zing? I think if I were to "see" the tension between the characters as opposed to simply having read their lines, that zing would have been apparent. I am aware the writer knows how to format and develop his characters.
  The ending (last scene) was a bit drawn out for me. I would have enjoyed being left to imagine how David and Wendy's relationship might develop rather than have it told to me.
  
  I especially liked it that David was basically mature. He was a lot more mature than his roommates. Wendy was shallow, but she was supposed to be that way. That David and Wendy were a couple bothered me. He deserved better. I think the script has a future. read