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HOW IT RATES
Many years after she was brutally attacked and her friend murdered, a woman returns home offering forgiveness to the untried brothers who committed the crimes. Has she come back to finish the lifelong work of her friend – rebuilding his incredible Lodge of Light? Or is she seeking revenge at its darkest?
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Reviews of Shard 8
by Deanna Powell on 03/08/2009The imagery portrayed was so vivid that I'm hoping to see this on the big screen soon. The house of glass/bottles was so imaginative and the "ball lighting" was a new concept to me - very interesting. I was disappointed that Michael's life work was just left at the end by Gib. It seems a shame that after he saved her and showed her the only beauty in her life, that she just... The imagery portrayed was so vivid that I'm hoping to see this on the big screen soon. The house of glass/bottles was so imaginative and the "ball lighting" was a new concept to me - very interesting. I was disappointed that Michael's life work was just left at the end by Gib. It seems a shame that after he saved her and showed her the only beauty in her life, that she just walked off and left it. I understand that she had to leave the scene of the murders but it just felt like something was left unsaid.
I did enjoy the characters and the dialog was entertaining. There were times that I wanted to know more of the back story - what happened to Gib's Mom, why did Carson and his father have such a strained relationship, could Gib really talk all along, why was Michael so unwelcome in the town etc. I appreciate the dark turnings in the story notably Greta's death and Gib's confinement but it wasn't clear why the twins set up their mother just because she saw them playing with each other. Based on the Sheriff's character, I can't see her telling him for fear of what exactly he'd do to the twins. I also couldn't understand how physically Caleb could go through the actual act of raping Gib when he was so hesitant and obviously disturbed by the whole idea.
I do like that Gib used her knowledge of everything Michael taught her to exact her revenge. I also liked the twist that she used the Pastor to secure her release and feign a forgiving attitude. She seemed especially smart in that she knew just how to manipulate each of the brothers. I really liked that part! My only issue was I didn't quite believe how fast the boys fell for it (Caleb aside as I could see him falling for her very quickly and believing everything she said). Carson, Trent and Jesse just seemed to be misogynistic, low-brow, crude with a sense of entitlement from being the Sheriff's sons that it's hard to believe that they fell so quickly for her plan and that it was Caleb (the least valued brother) that led the way.
Overall, I really enjoyed the story, characters and the art/evil overlay. Very entertaining!
On a side note - I found the following typos:
Pg 10 - Above him, lightning dances in the sky, illuminating glimpses of the vast building as the storm trails of. ("of" should be "off")
Pg 13 - She pulls out the empty whisky bottle from her bindle and
hands it over. ("bindle" should be "bundle")
Pg 114 - A bindle tied to a stick rests on her shoulder. ("bindle" should be "bundle") read
by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 02/14/2009Overall, I do enjoy a good revenge story and that you have Gib, a female protagonist exacting vengeance makes for a cathartic experience for the female contingency. Well done. You did a great job of creating memorable characters and Gib’s transformation was impressive, the hick accent given to the 4 brothers, their father and Leon was painted rather thickly and I grew to hate... Overall, I do enjoy a good revenge story and that you have Gib, a female protagonist exacting vengeance makes for a cathartic experience for the female contingency. Well done.
You did a great job of creating memorable characters and Gib’s transformation was impressive, the hick accent given to the 4 brothers, their father and Leon was painted rather thickly and I grew to hate all of them for their egregious behavior against Gib. Michael on the other hand had a more educated and gentle demeanor, serving as her ownly savior/catalyst for change. Great job on dialog and plot as well. I will say that the descriptive elements did weigh down the plot and slowed things down on occasion. This is a minor suggestion to just revisit whether the scenes need to go in such elaborate detail.
The ending was also very fulfilling. I might just point out one scene which I found to be unrealistic. When Carson begins to snoop around Gib’s medical history, it is not realistic for a doctor to disclose any information about a current or former patient. You ma want to consider figuring out another way for him to get that information then out of a doctor, given doctor-patient confidentiality.
Great job and good luck with the competitions.
by videogeek on 02/14/2009This is a very good and well written script. The way you paint the picture of cinema with words is extraordinary. I enjoyed reading it but i didn't notice any typos throughout. thought I'd mention that on account of your production notes. As I got a little ways into the script, I was amazed at how you made Gib such a great character despite the fact that she didn't speak... This is a very good and well written script. The way you paint the picture of cinema with words is extraordinary. I enjoyed reading it but i didn't notice any typos throughout. thought I'd mention that on account of your production notes.
As I got a little ways into the script, I was amazed at how you made Gib such a great character despite the fact that she didn't speak in the first act. McKenzie's dialogue was really good. It had to be without Gib saying anything.
I also really liked the Lodge of Light. It was a great visual addition to the good story. But there were a few places I couldn't quite picture. When the boys attacked Gib, how did they get inside the Lodge? I know this may not be all that important. But I couldn't see exactly how the doors to the lodge worked. Were they made of glass bottles too? That might be helpful for the reader to understand perhaps. Also, the pools on the roof? Were these pools with lighting rods in them actually on the roof of this lodge? i had a hard time picturing how that worked. Just something for you to think about.
On p 19, when McKenzie shot Carson, it took me awhile to realize that when he said rock salt, that he meant that he was shot with salt instead of a bullet.
On p 37, when the story jumps forward a few years, it took me a few pages to realize it. I also wondered how many years it jumped forward. And now that the boys are grown men, I found it a bit odd they kept calling their father 'Daddy.' Maybe something like, 'Pop' would sound better?
On p 66 when Carson's stiletto falls from his lap and sticks in the floor, why is that important? That's the only time this stiletto was mentioned.
Later on in the story when Caleb starting getting close to Gib, I wondered what exactly his role in the attack was. but that might not matter so much by the end.
When Carson goes to the Institution would Dr Fin really divulge that kind of patient info to a unrealated person? Maybe Carson could get all the info from the janitor? Or maybe back in those days the 'patient-doctor confidentiality' wasn't what it is today.
On p 77 when Carson catches his twin brothers in the act of intercourse, I was stunned! Good plot twist there though. especially with the way they inadvertently caused their own mother's death.
Hope this helps you out. Good job. Compelling plot and characters! read
by jayelveejr on 02/09/2009The first thing I will state is that if this ever makes it to the big screen, I envision a nomination for best production design. The descriptions in this script are so good I could visualize every single set, scene in my mind. I loved the whole lodge of light. One of the most original ideas I've seen (read) in a while and one of those ideas that one thinks, hmmm, I wish I... The first thing I will state is that if this ever makes it to the big screen, I envision a nomination for best production design. The descriptions in this script are so good I could visualize every single set, scene in my mind. I loved the whole lodge of light. One of the most original ideas I've seen (read) in a while and one of those ideas that one thinks, hmmm, I wish I would have thought of that. You mentioned in your description wanting to set a beautiful thing within a dark world. Well, you definitely succeeded in my mind.
Now this review is going to be tough for me because I thought the set-up and the first act were absolutely excellent. You had me enthralled by the time I got to page 37 after the brothers get away with it. I couldn't wait to keep reading and find out where this was going to end up. I'm afraid to state that the second act let me down a bit after such a great first act. And the third act, while not being too bad, needs some work in my estimation. But minor work, minor tweaks to take this to another level. As it is, it's close to being an excellent screenplay in my estimation.
Something about Gib's return didn't sit right with me for some reason. Part of it is I think she is too proactive in her I forgive you all. I think she needs to be a more mysterious character at this point. I think that's it in a nutshell for me ... make her a mystery to us and the brothers instead of the way she's written now. I wonder if it would work better if she just shows up and kind of hangs around the boys, get them thinking even more of "what is she up to?". Imagine if she shows up at the pub when they are there and instead of walking up to them and be the proactive one ... what if she just sits by herself in the corner and maybe stares at them or smiles at them or doesn't even give them the time of day, you could even show her around town then and they're left (and us) with a more of, wonder what she's up to? I think maybe that would add so much more suspense than having her tell them, hey boys, don't worry about it. By having her announce to them that cleansing will begin and I forgive you makes her even less menacing, like she's lost her edge. Now I'm sure this was what you were going for but I think it kind of hurts the moral ambiguity of what she's up to. By announcing herself, then she is, of course, up to something so why have her tell us and ruin the suspense? Just a thought I had. After this episode, I thought the brothers would be more suspicious than they are at first. The one who is the most is Carlton but, and maybe I missed it, his quick turn into religion is so abrupt it feels missplaced. Especially since he's the one who goes to the hospital to enquire about her and then is told by the janitor what happened when she began to speak. An eerie event to be sure but it really didn't change Carson's bewilderment for me. He's the one who I kept thinking will not be fooled by her but then for some reason that escaped me, he actually becomes born again, almost too much so wherein it doesn't feel natural but more of a plot contrivance.
Don't take this the wrong way though, I love the whole idea that she comes back and we're left to wonder what she is planning. Now, I have to admit, I don't find it surprising or that big of a schock that she is out for revenge. She has to because if not, the story doesn't work. I just thought the boys were too gullable and she needs to be more mysterious as I stated above. The best example of this is when she kills Leon. That was the perfect way to have her react. She pretty much doesn't say much to him when she kills him, very stoic, non-chalant just going through the motions, this makes her even more sinister than by having her talk so much and turn "normal" in a way. In fact, it's voice overs during this scene which adds a nice layer. If she comes in and blah blah blah then it would ruin the effect. By having her not speak, it makes it more menacing. I wonder if you can cut all her dialogue scenes when she gets back into town? That way you can show that Caleb falls in love with her because he wants to repent but you can make her not say much, kind of like he makes up his own mind that we are in love. Not sure, just another thought that popped in my head.
I really think the reason I was let down in the second act was because she becomes too social in a way and I never bought the whole marriage proposal with Caleb. In fact, the whole scene with the brothers at the end, doesn't feel right ... although the setting is spectacular and makes for a bravura finale but it feels a bit too long for me.
Especially the whole thing where Caleb says that she wanted him to propose in front of the brothers. I kept wondering there if having them all become born again was a misstep. I can see where they are remorseful for what they did but it seems that they turn into fanatics and by doing that, I think, you're trying to show us the two ends of the spectrum ... Gib, who wants to kill them and the brothers, who have found God and become fanatics but who want to be forgiven. Kind of two lunatics going at it, one for revenge and one for redemption. It's a lofty effort on your part which serves the story well but I feel it could be even better. I think that's what you were going for but I could be wrong and just bringing my own interpretation to it (which is another example why its a good script). Maybe others will disagree with these suggestions I have. I do feel this last part has a tad too much dialogue where the characters are telling us what they're seeing. I think it might be more powerful if you cut out some of the dialogue.
Okay, now I must admit, her revenge is outrageous. The whole burning of Carson at the end is very original and makes for a bravura ending so this didn't disappoint.
Now, this is nowhere near being an "average" script but I think it has so much potential to be great. Like the first 37 pages where. I just wish I felt the same in the second act and all the way through the end. You've almost hit a home run here except for those few reservations I have about the way the characters behave and especially with Gib, she nees to be more mysterious I think (sorry I keep harping on this).
So to wrap up, the first act is great, the second act needs more work in my opinion, and the third act, while having a spectacular death scene at the end, needs to be cut down a bit, especially some of the excess dialogue between the brothers and Gib. And less dialogue for Gib, makes a more menacing and intriguing character. Oh and I never mentioned I liked the whole Gib, Die thing, very good touch there.
Other than my few reservations, this could really turn into something great. Nice, nice job and thanks for the entertaining read, quite quite good. Good luck with this and with your future scripts.
And of course, feel free to discard all my suggestions if you don't feel like they work, it's only one opinion after all.
Best regards. read
by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 02/07/2009From the outset, “Shard” reminded me of a Charles Dickens unromantic portrayal of the hardships endured by an adolescent whose artistic talents are suppressed, and dreams doomed. Speech-impaired 16-yrs old Gib Johnson, an orphan victim of sexual and psychological abuse, lives in sordid conditions with her alcoholic father in a dismal post-depression small American town,... From the outset, “Shard” reminded me of a Charles Dickens unromantic portrayal of the hardships endured by an adolescent whose artistic talents are suppressed, and dreams doomed.
Speech-impaired 16-yrs old Gib Johnson, an orphan victim of sexual and psychological abuse, lives in sordid conditions with her alcoholic father in a dismal post-depression small American town, controlled by the Timmins family feud.
To her rescue comes 70-year old, white-haired Michael McKenzie, a flamboyant character who lives in a fantasy world, a “Lodge of Light” made of glass walls constructed with bottles, and featuring “spacious rooms inside connected by catwalks and slithering, snakelike tubes that defy gravity”.
McKenzie welcomes Gib in his lodge and encourages her to pursue her artistic inclinations. The Timmins brothers, however, will eventually shatter the young woman’s dream. Following a botched robbery attempt aimed at stealing McKenzie’s gold treasure, the Timmins end up killing McKenzie. Gib is raped and later admitted to a psychiatric ward in a state of catatonic dementia, while the Timmins, protected by the local authorities, manage to get away with murder. Years go by, and at the end of World War II, Gib suddenly returns to town, planning a bloody revenge of seemingly eschatological proportions.
This script follows the classic pattern of a revenge tragedy, where characters are not doomed through faults of their own, but due to some barrier in the world around them. Just like any revenge tragedy, “Shard” seems to share a universal setting, and time element. Although the story begins in the 1930’s, the plot can easily belong to any period or location.
When in the third act, Gib finally manages to recuperate McKenzie’s lodge (as well as his gold treasure), she masterminds a very elaborate killing spree within this glass maze, which turns into a death chamber for the Timmins brothers. The script is written with a powerful, imaginative fusion of brute violence and high artifice.
There is, nevertheless, a problem I encountered reading “Shard”, that needs to be addressed. In spite of the obvious motivation that drives Gib to exact her revenge, I failed to connect with the character in the second act, which sets into motion the resolution of the drama.
There seems to be, in fact, a wide gap between Gib’s admittance to the psychiatric hospital and her reappearance in town after a few years. When she suddenly reemerges in town, a fully developed, attractive woman, she has regained control of her fluency, and “gyrates her hips” like a born-again Christian sexy Barbie doll. She has undergone both a psychological and physical makeover, but no clue is offered as to what prompted this mutation. When one of the Timmins brothers decides to investigate this, we hear from the doctor who treated her that she “sat on a cot for five years and did little more than drool”. We later hear from a Church Pastor that “she was willing to learn the Gospels”.
It is unclear, to my mind, if her Biblical employment of “forgiveness” and the Scripture, is the result of a genuine rapture, the morbid consequence of her long term post-traumatic stress disorder, or an abusive indoctrination perpetrated by a fanatic religious cult, all of which is missing.
The script is well written, the dialogue original, and the plot unique. My only suggestion is to insert a parallel editing between Gib’s progress regaining her voice, and strength, compared with the Timmins’ brothers regress in addiction, and their slow descent into oblivion.
by kurtsegers on 02/07/2009This is a compelling revenge story in the vein of Carrie with the “lodge of light” as a great visual attraction, a nice tempo and good formatting. Yet, this story still needs a lot of work, and notably in the second act. The basic – and maybe even sole - problem is with the bad guys, who switch from utter evil to very naïve Christian boys. The switch is not only way too fast,... This is a compelling revenge story in the vein of Carrie with the “lodge of light” as a great visual attraction, a nice tempo and good formatting. Yet, this story still needs a lot of work, and notably in the second act. The basic – and maybe even sole - problem is with the bad guys, who switch from utter evil to very naïve Christian boys. The switch is not only way too fast, it is unmotivated. I just don’t by their sudden and unanimous remorse. Since this is a story with a kind of surreal twist, I’m ready to believe that Gib suddenly finds speech. If you can make me believe the moral change of the antagonists, that would be perfect. I would be very pleased to read a newer draft of this script.
Pg 2 a rusty Model T: what epoch is this?
Pg 11 Great visual idea, this lodge of light…
Pg 16 You accidently used the dual dialogue mode at the of page 16
Pg 46 Gib can talk now? How are you going to explain that?
Pg 50 Why is Carson staying in a hotel?
Pg 91 inverted scrawl on the windshield read
by dampcatproductions on 02/07/2009Well, first of all the good news. 1. Well written, engaging storyline, deftly drawn characters and situations, follows story form perfectly. 2. Structure and formatting are perfect. 3. Natural and convincing dialogue. 4. Beautiful descriptions and action sequences. And now to the not so good news. 1. I had real trouble with the characters epiphanies from redneck... Well, first of all the good news.
1. Well written, engaging storyline, deftly drawn characters and situations, follows story form perfectly.
2. Structure and formatting are perfect.
3. Natural and convincing dialogue.
4. Beautiful descriptions and action sequences.
And now to the not so good news.
1. I had real trouble with the characters epiphanies from redneck to born-again Christian. In that kind of epiphany, I expect to see more conflict before hand. For instance, Tom Cruise's character in Magnolia. We see him progress from self absorbed jerk, to a son who truly loves his father and wishes for forgiveness and approval. The Timmins boys need to have more of that. The one montage where they "cure" Carson of heroin addiction, just isn't enough. It's too cliched and needs dialogue!
2. Carson flip flops between raging redneck and born again Christian too easily, making it seem that his actual transformation is faked. If that is the intent, then you did it well, but I felt that you were trying to show him truly repenting of his previous life. You need to show him as either faking it with overzealous religious rhetoric or humbled and truly repentant.
3. The ending was extremely disturbing and caused me some confusion. I had trouble with the characters. In the begining, you have the brothers as vicious and evil. They will rape, murder, do whatever they want with no resctrictions. Then you have them convert to better men and I'm supposed to feel sorry for them when they die. I don't. Yet, they do not actually revert to their previous behaviours. They attempt murder of Gib even whilst spouting religious dogma. Gib on the other hand, is a sympathetic character who becomes completely unsympathetic. In the end, I'm left with nobody to feel anything for. Every story needs a hero and it might be better if Gib dies and Carson is arrested for her murder. That way, we can feel sorry for the dead and crazy Gib and still feel that justice has been done.
4. During the conversions of the boys to Christianity, Carson's drug use is dealt with openly, but the incestuous homosexuality of the twins is not really dealt with. You need to have them have another emotional scene regarding that. Again, see Magnolia.
5. Lastly, and I can't stress this one enough, DON'T WRITE DIALECT. If you want to establish location in regards to regional accents (such as Texas, Louisiana, Boston, etc.) you only need to establish place one time. Leave the dialects up to the dirctor and actors. It makes it much easier on the reader.
Over all, this was well written, and I did enjoy it. With some work, this could be a brilliant film that takes all awards at Sundance, Cannes and TIFF, plus maybe even a Golden Globe or an Oscar. Beautifully done, but needs some work.
Keep writing! read
by the_str on 02/06/2009It’s clear from reading this script that you’re the kind of writer who’s never going to run out of ideas. There’s so much stuffed into this screenplay, and many of the elements would be enough to write a whole feature. What I think you need to work on, though, is finding the right solution to the situations your characters run into. Each time you bring one of your big ideas... It’s clear from reading this script that you’re the kind of writer who’s never going to run out of ideas. There’s so much stuffed into this screenplay, and many of the elements would be enough to write a whole feature. What I think you need to work on, though, is finding the right solution to the situations your characters run into. Each time you bring one of your big ideas into this screenplay (Carson becomes addicted to heroin, Gib returns from the psychiatric ward, Caleb is converted, Gib is raped, Gib decides to kill the boys), I’m left wondering why. These elements all contribute to the exciting plot of the screenplay, but they each feel like you’re reaching too far as a writer for the idea that’s the most out-of-the-ordinary. Yes, you should be unique and find your own voice, but when things start to happen that are inexplicable, or worse, that are merely a device to further the plot, you’ll lose your reader.
I recently read a book called “The Art of Dramatic Writing” by Lajos Egri. It’s about stage plays, not screenplays, but I wish I’d read it before I started writing my first screenplay. Essentially the thesis of the book is that, in order for plot to be natural and fluid, and in order for a play to function, plot must come from character. Staying true to the characters you create, and giving them multiple dimensions, will allow the interactions and movement of a screenplay to feel real.
One place where transitions felt unreal in “Shard” was during the conversion of everyone to Christianity. A montage or a few pages of dialogue should not be enough to make a character into a devout Christian. What I did appreciate was that, after his conversion, Carson was still conflicted about how to deal with Gib. Conflict within a character is a sign of inner life, which is something that you could definitely work on in a rewrite.
What is the theme of your story? I’m left wondering how to trace a theme throughout “Shard.” Was it about forgiveness? Accepting Jesus? Or the ultimate power of sin to destroy love? The elements on sin and Christianity in your second act seemed a little clichéd. I appreciate that you’re using them to offset your very exciting third act, but a better transition is out there.
Speaking of the ending, I think it’s safe to say that no one will see that ending coming, haha! Keep in mind that twist endings like that, when they’re done best, create a “eureka!” moment in the audience. You want your audience to realize that they could have known what was going to happen the entire time. This third act was very exciting, but I think you can make it less abrupt by working it backwards into the story.
"Shard" was a good read, and you should be proud of all that you have here. I think if you go back and humanize the scenes of conversion, you can make this a much stronger script. Below I’ve included specific page notes about format, and thoughts I had at the moment. Thanks for letting me read “Shard”!
2) When you’re changing scenes with a smooth transition, you can put “ – CONTINUOUS” after the “EXT. XXXX” marking. If you leave nothing there, it looks less professional. “Hurtles” should be “hurdles”.
3) Would O’Leary be bothered by underage drinking? It seems like he’s a regular at the bar. At the same time, wouldn’t it be the bartender’s job to say whether or not it’s legal?
8) “I’m clear as glass” might be too symbolic a statement. It sounds more like the writer saying it than the character, which is something you should try to steer clear of.
10) The hobo stick is a little cliché for such a serious script. Can you find a better way for Gib to take her things? “Hello to you to” should be “Hello to you too.”
12) “EXT. LAKE SHORE” should read “EXT. LAKE SHORE – DAY” This will help set off the sluglines from other capitalized text like “BACK TO SCENE” on the same page. Speaking of which, is there a more appropriate way to indicate that? I’m not a format expert, so I could be wrong.
13) The hug on this page seems out of place, or too soon. I feel like Gib is still being too antisocial for a hug.
19) Why does Carson think that McKenzie has gold in his lodge? Also, Carson threatens to burn down the lodge, but it’s made of glass. Smashing it would probably be first on his mind.
20) I feel like the montage showing Gib learning the ways of the Lodge happens too suddenly. She and McKenzie haven’t exactly become friends yet. Again, maybe it would play out well on screen, but it feels too sudden for me.
23) It’s a little too convenient that McKenzie likes to draw with charcoal as well…is there a better way to introduce her drawing? Maybe they’re by the water, and she’s drawing in the sand?
24) “PLAZA” should be “INT. PLAZA – CONTINUOUS”. I’ll stop suggesting these changes now, but fixing them throughout will make things look more professional.
25) The “creativity is like magic” speech might be a little corny. Try to watch out for moments like these where your voice overpowers the characters’ voices. It’s an easy trap to fall into, and your readers will know immediately when it happens.
27) McKenzie is winking a lot. Be careful not to overdo this.
31) “Tell me or I’ll rape you!” might get unintentional laughs. Something less on-the-nose would help this scene.
36) Up until this point, the movie felt like a children’s film, with the good guy who wants to help bring out Gib’s creativity and the bad guys who want to keep her in her place. It didn’t really appeal to an older audience. But now, there’s no way the movie could cater to children. If you wrote the first section before the last, you might consider going back and revising for tonal inconsistency.
37) This courtroom scene is an incredible jump forward in time. You probably need an intertitle here, like “six months later”. When the judge honors the four boys for “rescuing” Gib, it’s a tad heavy-handed. Too much irony will take your audience out of the movie, and you might get unintentional laughs.
44) The sheriff providing information about Gib’s release is forced. He seems to have no reason to be in the bar except to provide that bit of dialogue. Is there a way to incorporate the information into the action that’s already taking place?
45) What was keeping Gib from talking? Why is she so sexualized now? A little explanation can go a long way.
48) I understand that your screenplay’s largest mystery is why Gib came back to town, but to have her first scene a scene of complete forgiveness is too big a mystery for me to grasp as a reader. It’s more confusing than mysterious.
51) Since she’s already forgiven him, why does Gib go to Carson’s door?
55) A non-Christian audience might react very poorly to this. Not because it’s religious, but because the movie is starting to become too direct.
60) Why does Caleb say his brothers are destined for damnation, when 3 pages earlier he says that he doesn’t know Jesus? I wish his transition to Christianity were more fluid.
72) A flashback is a jarring transition to begin with, so you need to make sure your audience is deeply connected with the character before you initiate one. Can Gib have this flashback? Also, the Janitor mocking Dr. Pin’s science books is, for lack of a better word, haha, preachy. Try a subtler way of bringing religion into the screenplay. You can still make your statements, but you have to make them through your characters’ lives, not your own voice.
75) Why does Leon ask for forgiveness? There needs to be a transition here.
78) Trent and Jessie’s homosexual intercourse scene seems like an intentional attempt to force more “sin” into the plot. Rape and murder might be enough. I’m also concerned that you’re lumping in homosexual intercourse with rape and murder.
81) Instead of leaving Carson on the couch, the brothers might take him to a hospital, where he can be treated for his dangerous withdrawal symptoms and get off heroin more safely. Withdrawal can last anywhere from a week to a few months, so you might want to take that into account in the screenplay.
91) Why does her name in reverse spell “die”?
111) How is Gib above Carson if her reflection is coming from in front of him? Maybe she should be behind him.
114) Would the gold coins in the candles fall down that suddenly? read
- Writer: Chris Simons
- Uploaded by: gordonkris
- Length: 115 pages
- Genre: drama
- I’ve listed this as a drama, but it’s very violent and grim. I tried very hard to make all the characters three dimensional, especially the kinds traditionally despised. I also tried to contrast ugly deeds with a beautiful visual (almost magical) surrounding. My goal’s to enter this in upcoming contests, so I’d really appreciate help in rooting out stubborn typos. Thanks in advance for your help.
- Bio: I teach filmmaking and film history overseas on the uni level. Back when I was living in the States, I used to spend days at a time on Triggerstreet. It was addictive, fun and motivated me to write. I don’t read or write many feature screenplays these days and the desire to actually film one is on the back burner, but I do write and make a lot of shorts. I’ll try to review on TS when I can. Don’t know why I’m changing this bio and pic - probably the whole 10th Anniversary thing has got me nostalgic.
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