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A woman seeks revenge against her attackers under the guise of saving their souls.
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Reviews of Shard (Rewrite 2) 30
by StuartLogan138 on 01/22/2010Such a brilliant plot. She makes them embrace what they dont want to embrace, and then kills them and they have to face it anyway. awesome! I can think of a good tune to play when she suffocates her father to death. The end of the song Whisper, by Evanescence. It has this monks chanting and it'd suit the look of his death face quite well as a movie. Very creative with... Such a brilliant plot. She makes them embrace what they dont want to embrace, and then kills them and they have to face it anyway. awesome!
I can think of a good tune to play when she suffocates her father to death. The end of the song Whisper, by Evanescence. It has this monks chanting and it'd suit the look of his death face quite well as a movie.
Very creative with the word 'gib' inverted to say 'die'. However, I did not quite like the concept of her killing caleb if he did not want to rape her, but was rather forced. A happier ending such as him surviving and them actually marrying in the lodge of light would leave readers feeling more fulfilled. The current ending, sort of left me feeling cheated slightly, because a romantic ending means it wraps up nicely. but your ending was rather loose. Perhaps try this:
GIB sits on her bed, gazing at the portrait of MICHAEL MAKENZIE. A tear runs down her cheek silently.
CALEB stands at her door, a jagged scar running in a rough circle on his throat.
And to think we all thought you were dead, CALEB. MICHAEL never wanted this. He wanted me to be happy. I really am sorry for what I did to you and your brothers.
Hey, GIB. You're forgiven. I can't blame you for wanting me dead after what I did to you.
Let's call it even now, shall we.
GIB stands and sets the portrait down on her bed, and walks to CALEB and embraces him. She rests her head on his chest.
INSERT the portrait of MACKENZIE, which almost looks like it's smiling at them.
(It might require another rewrite, but it'd leave readers feeling happier. an unhappy ending = unhappy readers/viewers. And it wraps up well, and will roll to credits while the viewers smile with tears in their eyes. Since the frontline plot is about forgiveness, why not go from frontline to backline plot back to the front?) read
by Dannie on 05/03/2009Shard This was one of the most inventive revenge screenplays I have ever read. I have to admit I wasn't thrilled with reading a period piece but this story built at a steady pace and hooked me in. As a little kid I use to always watch the Waltons, Shard takes place in darker more macabre version of this time period giving us clearly drawn villians and a slightly twisted small... Shard
This was one of the most inventive revenge screenplays I have ever read. I have to admit I wasn't thrilled with reading a period piece but this story built at a steady pace and hooked me in.
As a little kid I use to always watch the Waltons, Shard takes place in darker more macabre version of this time period giving us clearly drawn villians and a slightly twisted small town setting. The protagonist starts off as a Nell style savant living muted and oppressed by her alcoholic father and alienated by a harsh townsfolk. On the day she meets her juvenile antogonists she also meets a kindred spirit/savior in the form of Michael McKenzie.
The Lodge of Light is actually a brilliant set piece. It's uniqueness and interplay with light and lightning is the theme of this script. I love the visual element of glass in this script. Artists create from an inspirational muse and the wealth of their happiness always provokes jealousy from the selfish whose only gift is to destroy what others cherish. The Timmins display this perfectly, robbing poor Gib of the only happiness she has when they kill Michael for gold and rape Gib out of lust. Very dramatic and a perfect set up to the story that follows.
I knew the time break was coming and WW2 only made the Timmins brothers worse than they already were. Gib, however, turns into something new entirely. An innocent christian with the heart and determination of a wraith. I'm sorry, I could only picture Scarlett Johansson as Gib when she returns to town. I love how her new vibrant personality stirs change in the Timmins boys and I love how the story builds again to it's conclusion. She plays revenge like a symphony, building to a lightning filled crescendo.
The final scenes would be a delight to see on film, even as dark as the revenge gets there is a certain poetry to the visuals.
The complaints I have with this script are very small. I would almost like to see Sheriff Timmins come into play at the end, also suffering because of what he allowed his offspring to become. I can picture him touring the graves of his sons and dying from remorse as he realizes his seed has been wiped from the face of the earth in the cruelest way possible. Maybe it's better left to the imagination of the audience but I think his role could be improved throughout the story.
Other than that there were a few spelling glitches like out of place pluralization but nothing that could pull me from the story.
Well done! I love it when a screenplay suprises me and shows me things I've never seen before. Hope to see this on the big screen.
BTW: In British Columbia there's a house, on the shores of Kootenay Lake, built by a mortician- he used glass enbalming fluid bottles to build the entire house. read
by Indigo on 05/02/2009This is a script that hasn’t figured out what it wants to be yet. The balance between fantastical and gritty isn’t quite right. We move abruptly from one extreme to the other but the two just don’t mix well and it feels at times like two different scripts sew together. The concept is top notch and if a bit more focusing was employed this could be a fantastic revenge horror... This is a script that hasn’t figured out what it wants to be yet. The balance between fantastical and gritty isn’t quite right. We move abruptly from one extreme to the other but the two just don’t mix well and it feels at times like two different scripts sew together.
The concept is top notch and if a bit more focusing was employed this could be a fantastic revenge horror script in the vein of “Last House On The Left”. The last ten pages or so are riveting. There is some truly terrifying deaths that occur, but to be honest the end is one of those places where is seemed that the script was sewn together from different scripts. We know basically from the time she steps off the bus that Gib is leading the boys on to extract her revenge but when the hammer actually falls it’s such a different style of writing that it loses the impact it could have if the preceding 100 pages were written with the same tone. In my honest opinion if the rest of the script read like those last pages this would be one of the most terrifying scripts I’ve read. You list it as a Drama but frankly that’s a bit misleading. The drama as far as I can see was employed to set up the horror element of the last few pages.
It takes an extremely long time to get to the heart of the story. Once we do finally get the revenge aspect of the plot there just isn’t enough page space left to explore it fully. I personally feel that the revenge plot is the strongest avenue to explore with this script but right now it’s buried under the gritty exposition of why the revenge happens and the overdrawn bible thumping set-up to get the guys to the trap.
Gib is a wonderfully complex character and the different aspects of her personality are handled beautifully if not transitioned a bit abruptly. When she does finally speak her dialogue is right on the money. Carter, Caleb, Trent, and Jessie, as well as most of the other supporting characters suffer from repetitive dialogue that at times is a bit on the nose and unmotivated exposition like on page 40 it seems a bit odd to drop the Gib’s out of the nut house comment like that. Can you maybe have their dad say something about the soldier boys “being heroes again just like when they saved Gib… oh and by the way…”
I like the fact that Carter is the last to die but I think you can go further with setting him up to be the ring leader. As a matter of fact I don’t really have a good handle on who each of these boys really are. There isn’t much distinction in their actions or voices to make any one of them truly recognizable. Carter and Caleb become more distinct in action as the script progresses but the “twins” could easily be rolled into one character. Also when you have a gang that works together as a unit for much of the script I would be weary of using the same letter for two of the first names like Carson and Caleb. It’s just a little bit of a hurdle for the reader.
Gib’s Father was a throw away character and could easily be lifted out to pare down the exposition and get you into the story faster. Also I see what you were going for with the Sheriff as far as motivation for the boys but it either didn’t go far enough or probably more effectively could be cut to again get rid of exposition and get you into the heart of the story faster. The Sheriff feels like a distraction rather than subplot. We need to know the boys themselves better. We have to understand them as people and a good tool to understanding them would be their father the Sheriff but I think you’re fighting page space and rather than expanding on the father/son dynamic your time would be better spent defining the characters without having to waste time on making sure the Sheriff’s backstory is fully developed.
McKenzie’s death works well as the catalyst to push Gib over the edge but I think if you eliminated Gib’s father and had her be alone in the world before McKenzie, maybe even homeless, it would give McKenzie and Gib’s bond more weight. And contrary to most of my other comments about cutting out exposition I really think we need to know more about McKenzie and why he’s building the lodge. You give us a little bit of his thinking but since the lodge itself takes on a character of its own we need to see McKenzie’s motivation to bring it to life in the first place. What in his life impacted that decision making process? Loss of this man is a big part of why Gib does what she does but we don’t really know much about him.
Since the lodge basically eats these guys alive there is also room to expand on the “living” element of the lodge.
Like I said, the basic concept of this script is great and I think with some work done on restructuring and eliminating superfluous set up information this is going to be a wonder script. read
by missbeluga on 04/30/2009I enjoyed reading the script very much but it wasn't all that clear. The twist did caught me by surprise, but besides all that, what is the script really about? What does the glass house represents? "Beauty" Michael says but why does Gib destroy it in the end? If she had really spoken to Michael, I doubt he would say: destroy my house. I understand if she is in fact plain...
I enjoyed reading the script very much but it wasn't all that clear. The twist did caught me by surprise, but besides all that, what is the script really about? What does the glass house represents? "Beauty" Michael says but why does Gib destroy it in the end? If she had really spoken to Michael, I doubt he would say: destroy my house. I understand if she is in fact plain crazy but I did not get that feeling until the end of the script. The bee's hive and the pouring of the whiskey were too little for me to understand her instability - because they were all justified. She needs a moment were she does something out of her own impulse (kill an animal, a fish perhaps, by stepping on it or something cruel). Of course Michael's reaction would be to "scold" her action and teach her about "beauty" and "love". What I mean to say is she has too little of a wild child.
Do you really need Leon on the second act? Maybe he could be killed off in the first act, by Gib, foreshadowing her mental instability. Also, it does not ring as true that the father would, completely out of the blue say" I have been a bad father". I would change this scene. Perhaps after Gib's first visit to the father he would immediately regret his bad parenting and plainly say that he missed her. Going from one "Did you bring my whisky" to "Oh, forgive!" does not have a natural development and crescendo.
About the boys.
CARSON: I did not buy Carson's change. Not a bit. Not only was too similar in the "Jesus" subject, but it did not really created an arc for him. His change should come from his brother, Caleb. Carson could go to the hospital to find stuff about her, but instead of converting he finds out she is more mental that he thoughts. He needs to save Caleb from his relationship with Gibs and his character development could come from his love towards his brother and not jesus.
CALEB: Too much of a mamma's boy. He lacks layers of personality. Give him a problem, perhaps he is the addicted to heroin instead of Carson- it releases his conscience from the past. And when he meets Gibs, he finds his own angel for real. He stops doing drugs and finds his rendition. And Carson, returning from the war and seeing his brother like that has to step out of his "evilness"
It's not Caleb that helps Carson, but Carson that helps Caleb.
Jesse and Trent on the other hand could also "pretend" to be helping their brother when in fact, they are looking for money. Speaking about it, they should look for the money in the house - they have a plan but they do nothing about it.
Hope this comes in handy.
by hlindeman on 04/15/2009There was a lot to like about the story, the characters were well fleshed out , you got a good understanding of their back stories, from the way Gib was treated by her alcoholic father, to the old man who would bring her into his home. You could understand why Gib would want to exact revenge against those she held responsible for destroying the world she had come to know,... There was a lot to like about the story, the characters were well fleshed out , you got a good understanding of their back stories, from the way Gib was treated by her alcoholic father, to the old man who would bring her into his home.
You could understand why Gib would want to exact revenge against those she held responsible for destroying the world she had come to know, the old man dying before she was able to present to him the painting only added to the tragedy.
Even thought you started out feeling sorry for Gib, you soon found yourself rooting for her in her quest for vengeance.
It's totally believable how sorry Caleb had felt about his part in what happened, and his desire for forgiveness, and how the other brothers were skeptical.
When the others came around; or pretended to, just so they could get their hands on the old man's gold coins, that's when the story kicked into high gear. The way she began killing them off, one by one, in imaginative and gruesome ways, her setting Caleb on fire with the glass globe was particularly gruesome.
Overall, a good story. read
by Matt Compton on 04/15/2009The first thing that struck me about this script was the setting. The tie and place it happens in are novel and interesting. They grant this story an atmosphere that is hard to pinpoint but makes it feel stranger and more unpredictable than your average fare. That is a good thing by the way! The characters are interesting too though the protagonist, Gib is never really... The first thing that struck me about this script was the setting. The tie and place it happens in are novel and interesting. They grant this story an atmosphere that is hard to pinpoint but makes it feel stranger and more unpredictable than your average fare. That is a good thing by the way!
The characters are interesting too though the protagonist, Gib is never really developed in great detail. I think there is actually some dispute over whether she really is the protagonist too. In the first act, she shares screen time with another character who is probably developed more substantially only to be killed off at the act break. Gib then pretty much disappears from the story for quite a long time in effect. Even when she is there, we don't know enough about her and her motives to really let her be the protagonist. This role seems to fall to Carson though its a little bit of a gray area.
There are some lovely touches to the script not least of which is the lodge of light itself. It is a great invention and visually magnificent. The script is a little unclear of its dimensions and overall 'big picture' look but the sense of it is very well put across. There are a few incidental touches which worked nicely too - the words melting in the snow to spell 'die' and the beer bottle being opened on the empty eye socket both spring to mind very clearly. The voice over segments are effective too but I wonder if using the same trick twice robs it of its impact a little?
There are also some problems with the story itself however. I find the whole turning to religion angle very difficult to swallow. It all just seems to happen to o quickly for these characters - life-long villains, murderers and rapists. It simply does not ring true. Also, would thse people really be worried about a mental patient's word ruining them? They seem terified that she could cause them such trouble but surely in reality and at this time a woman with her history and background would not have a chance in hell of being listened to - especially several years after the event and in direct opposition to the stories of war heroes?
The climax worked nicely and I really liked the inventive deaths given to each of the brothers. They were colourful, gory and appropriately nasty. I'm not sure if the climax works that well with the rest of the film however. The tone just seems a bit mismatched. I think overall the scrip would benefit from more development on the behalf of whose story it is and what type of story it is. read
by kjb on 04/07/2009Overall, I think this story has potential. There's "something" about the characters -- especially Gib -- that hooked me and kept me reading. I wanted to know what was going to happen next, which is the essence of good storytelling. That said, the script suffered from a sort of unfocused quality. It wasn't clear whose story this was or what direction it would go. Some of the... Overall, I think this story has potential. There's "something" about the characters -- especially Gib -- that hooked me and kept me reading. I wanted to know what was going to happen next, which is the essence of good storytelling.
That said, the script suffered from a sort of unfocused quality. It wasn't clear whose story this was or what direction it would go. Some of the elements -- such as a structure made entirely of bottles -- seemed sort of surreal (although very intresting and likely with tremendous visual appeal). But the story itself was about revenge, and didn't seem (at least to me) to fit the more surreal elements.
I think the story might benefit by focusing more closely on Gib, who was by far the most interesting character. As written, she didn't really emerge as the main character until the latter part of the script.
Dialogue was solid for the most part. I didn't care for the exchanges between the brothers when one was trying to convert the others. In a few spots, the dialogue hit the wrong note for me.
29 - "Tell me or I'll rape you!" sounds off. The character delivering the line has been established as an ignorant turd, but he doesn't think he's a bad guy. He thinks Gib is the bad guy for not telling him what he wants to know. This leads me to another point -- the brothers' motivation for stalking, threatening and ultimately raping Gib was unclear until late in the story. They were really after money so they could go somewhere else. It was kinda hinted at early, but not developed. A few lines of dialogue might have made that clear and made their actions make more sense. As written, they seem like bad seed, not like out of control children who feel entitled to get what they want, and are enraged by anyone they think stands in their way.
96 - "Tracking you like a bunny rabbit in the snow..." I don't it's possible to sound tough or threatening with this line. The animal being tracked needs to sound more dangerous. Better, I think, would be to just cut the line altogether.
Non-dialogue description passages were solid. I had questions about only a couple passages:
1 - I couldn't visualize "...raises her palms in askance." Did you mean she was raising her hands like she was questioning something? Or was she doubtful or suspicious?
57 - "...arms akimbo..." Do you mean hands on hips? If so, it might be better to just write it that way. Not sure most readers will understand it. I had to look it up to see what it meant.
Finally, I think it's worth considering what the screenplay is saying. As told, it's a damning critique of humans and their capacity to change. No one in the story had a true conversion to Christianity, for example. Maybe the brother who got killed first.
Gib changed superficially -- she learned to clean herself up, and she learned how to talk. But early in the screenplay, she acted out physically by pouring the bottle of alcohol on her drunk and abusive relative. Later, she was more dangerous, but her motivation and true character hadn't really changed.
The screenplay is also an interesting look at mental illness unchecked. I think everyone in the story suffered from some kind of mental illness.
I don't know if those things are intended to be in there, but those are a couple points I was able to extract. Not exactly a "feel good" story -- especially since you're basically asking the audience to root for a vengeful psychopath -- but interesting nonetheless.
Overall, the story has potential. I think it would benefit from restructuring to focus more on Gib, and by letting the brothers become more than stock bad guys. Let them be the protagonist of their own story -- it's just that they're in conflict with Gib. Good luck. read
by jdoerrie on 04/07/2009This was awesome. Thank You for the good read! You really grabbed me from the beginning and kept me wanting to know more until the end. Your beginning worked great, although I was a little confused about where I am. Maybe that’s just me, but I felt that one line about how the town looks like would have helped me visualize the scenery a bit more. A director will love you for... This was awesome. Thank You for the good read!
You really grabbed me from the beginning and kept me wanting to know more until the end.
Your beginning worked great, although I was a little confused about where I am. Maybe that’s just me, but I felt that one line about how the town looks like would have helped me visualize the scenery a bit more. A director will love you for that much freedom, though ;).
What was interesting is the fact that I thought I was in a different genre up until halfway through the script. The tone was so different from what one would expect – from my experience anyway.
The pacing felt very natural, great characters and dialogue (I don’t live in the states and I could hear their accents a mile away). The tension was built very well and you have a good structure.
Using the bottles physically in such a inventive way and also metaphorically is absolutely ingenious.
But the end confused me a bit, because you have made this statement about Christian ethics, revenge and forgiveness and then leave the audience with no catharsis. Maybe there is no catharsis, but that wasn’t clear to me either. Does her revenge and the gold make her happy in the end or does she deserve a bigger payoff although she has committed so many sins herself? Does she stay this killing-machine or has is she finally healed? Maybe that was your intention, I don’t know, I’m just saying that it left me a bit confused and unsatisfied. It still works though.
Overall I must say that this is refreshing, different and skillfully crafted. I hope I will get to that point in my writing one day.
A great script, would like to see it on the screen someday. read
by goaliedad on 04/05/2009Shard is an interesting, visual piece of work that explores the theme of revenge. What's unique about this story is that the writer, during ACT TWO, starts to sway us on the side of the attackers, four brothers who raped a young mute girl and then murdered the old man who had befriended her in ACT ONE. Let's think about this... Your ACT ONE is excellent - you create an extremely... Shard is an interesting, visual piece of work that explores the theme of revenge. What's unique about this story is that the writer, during ACT TWO, starts to sway us on the side of the attackers, four brothers who raped a young mute girl and then murdered the old man who had befriended her in ACT ONE. Let's think about this...
Your ACT ONE is excellent - you create an extremely sympathetic character with Gib, the young girl and our hero of the story. Mckenzie, the old man, is also fleshed out and gains our trust. The four brothers are certainly nasty enough to earn the antagonist role, except for the Caleb character. He doesn't fit in with the others, yet is still forced to participate in the rape. The glass house is also set up as almost a character in itself and if designed right on screen, would have that effect. So, ACT ONE is damn near flawless. Except for one thing... heh, heh, heh... what is Gib's goal? She gets raped, her friend gets killed, so she has ample opportunity to send forth the revenge theme message somehow to the brothers. But no, all we get is that she's drooling in the courtroom and led off to the assylum. At least give us a hint that she's got that seed planted in her head that she's gonna go after these guys. Think about this - just have her give them a LOOK in the courtroom that sends chills down their spines. Or better yet, she's drawn a picture of them that illustrates her feelings and lets it drift toward them as she walks out. Her GOAL at the end of ACT ONE needs to be shown. If we know that this is foreshadowed, we have that in our head and can keep rooting for her... which leads to...
ACT TWO - my suggestion here is to continue on with Gib's story. She's our hero and you've set her up as such. I was expecting much more of her, showing her progress in the assylum, showing her battling obstacles, other inmates perhaps, an evil doctor or something. Show her battling these things and gaining strength from it - that sort of thing. All this empowerment to achieve her one burning goal - to get back at these brothers. Create the tension of this upcoming battle. Keep us on her side. Instead, the story takes a shift in tone and shows us a lot more about the brothers. Their war injuries, some backstory hints about their mother. Carson's addiction. Caleb's role as sheriff. And where's our hero? She's just mentioned by another character that now she's out of the asylum and bam, she's at the bar, speaking, forgiving the brothers... say what? This hit me very odd and I think weakened the whole setup from ACT ONE.
So now we have Gib speaking, forgiving the brothers, and she's found religion... the tension of ACT ONE's attack has evaporated. In fact, we are now almost beginning to sympathize with Carson, and certainly Caleb. I felt confused at this point... who was I now rooting for? Then when Gib kills her father, I felt that I was being forced to get back on her side, but I was no longer invested in her plight as our hero. All because I had lost touch with her at the asylum. It was almost as though a new character had appeared in the story with her name attached. Thus, ACT THREE's revenge on the brother's rang hollow for me emotionally. All because I didn't know Gib anymore. I hope you can understand this. I would highly suggest revisiting your ACT TWO and showing more of Gib's development into the kick-ass fighting revenge maching that she becomes. Don't just suddenly show her that way and expect us to accept this. You have the writing ability to do this and I think you'll then have a much stronger protagonist and therefore a much stronger story. read
by Buggy on 04/04/2009Shard is about a girl, Gib, who has been horribly neglected and mistreated first by her alcoholic father and then by four brothers, sons of the small town’s sheriff, who rape her and murder her only friend. Gib, mute, is unable to accuse her attackers and is put into a mental hospital where she emerges from years later as a beautiful woman who tells her attackers that she... Shard is about a girl, Gib, who has been horribly neglected and mistreated first by her alcoholic father and then by four brothers, sons of the small town’s sheriff, who rape her and murder her only friend. Gib, mute, is unable to accuse her attackers and is put into a mental hospital where she emerges from years later as a beautiful woman who tells her attackers that she has been saved by Jesus, and that she forgives them. We find out that all is not what it seems in some very interesting death scenes at the end of the screenplay.
Much of this script is very imaginative: The glass lodge; Gib, as a young girl, only communicating only through the pictures she draws; the Michael McKenzie character with his glass bottle architecture; Carson’s lies causing the death of his mother, but by turning Gib into a vengeful Angel while simultaneously making the villains sympathetic takes the punch out of the script for me.
Here are some more of my notes:
Well, hello to you to. s/b hello to you too.
EXT. LODGE OF LIGHT - DAY
McKenzie bounces out the main entrance loaded down with
The building, seen in it’s entirety, is amazing. The edifice
spirals up like a fanciful layer cake with jutting angles
leading up, down and sideways.
There are obvious spacious rooms inside connected by catwalks
and slithering, snakelike tubes that defy gravity.
All is made of whole glass bottles or mosaics of shards held
together by spider webs of fine white mortar.
The building, seen in it’s (s/b its) entirety, is amazing.
More explanation needed of Glass bottle lodge. “…Catwalks and slithering snake-like tubes that defy gravity”? How big is this glass bottle lodge supposed to be? It would be somewhat fantastic but I would believe a one room cabin built of glass bottles and other things but unless Mackenzie’s magic I find this way too far-fetched.
p.13 In the 1930’s McKenzie has a gas fireplace? I may be misinformed about the 30’s but I think that people had wood burning fireplaces or coal burning stoves but not gas burning fireplaces.
If Gib is scared of the brothers, why does she leave the lodge and go outside where they are instead of staying inside with McKenzie?
I’m gonna melt this whole place to
the ground, so help me...
It seems strange that Carson would say “melt” when “smash” seems more likely and appropriate.
Americans tend to think of shoes not needles when you use the word stiletto. read
- Writer: Chris Simons
- Uploaded by: gordonkris
- Length: 111 pages
- Genre: drama
- Okay, third time's the charm… I’ve listed this as a drama, but it’s very violent and grim. When reading, try to see this in visual context – as an expressionistic fantasy, a stylized nightmare, with a little grand guignol thrown in at the end. If you can, try to spot the hidden typos. All comments welcome. Thanks.
- Bio: I like cheap and tawdry things. Campy, disrespectful things. Bold, brash, self-confident things. Things with a sense of humor... And the people who make these things... Painters who try something new. Writers who wallow down with their subjects. Filmmakers who don’t take themselves too seriously. This describes my scripts and production designs too. I want to make low-budget films that attack the status quo, stir things up a bit, make people laugh inappropriately. I also write with a lot of ellipses...
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