An indecisive man seeking love finds a magical "choose your own adventure book" which may lead to a bad ending
HOW IT RATES
During the Civil War, a man fights for his own freedom when he’s enslaved by a strange society of women.
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Reviews of Slave 26
by Spurious2 on 01/01/2008Interesting…there seemed to be a heavy Planet of the Apes influence here with a splash of Pleasantville. I liked the principle concept: an enslaved man’s struggle to escape a militant community of women. That said, it’s really tough to pinpoint a principle concept here because the screenplay ends up devoting little time to Brady’s struggle to escape and a lot of time to his... Interesting…there seemed to be a heavy Planet of the Apes influence here with a splash of Pleasantville. I liked the principle concept: an enslaved man’s struggle to escape a militant community of women. That said, it’s really tough to pinpoint a principle concept here because the screenplay ends up devoting little time to Brady’s struggle to escape and a lot of time to his effort to enlighten a woman blinded by the ways and teachings of an ignorant society.
I get what you were trying to do with the story, but it just didn’t work for me.
The main theme here is slavery and I like how you framed it against a Civil War backdrop to emphasize the backwards nature of a society that practices such an inhumane philosophy. I also liked how slavery, in this screenplay, did not strictly refer to the men who were harvested and forced to work hard labor with no pay, but it also referred to those who were stripped of their rights to pursue their passions (like all the women of Lesbos who are assigned to one of the society’s guilds).
Therefore, both Brady and the women of Lesbos (like Virginia) were all slaves. Since the fuel for slavery is ignorance, to conquer ignorance, there must be enlightenment. Brady to the rescue!
The problem for me was that I felt that this “enlightenment” really slowed the story down and could have been adequately addressed while still keeping the focus on the main concept: Brady’s escape. That is, from what I took away, the driving force behind the story. Granted, what guy wouldn’t get a little sidetracked if they were coupled with a smoking hot baby making machine for several weeks?
Turns out, Brady actually starts having some feelings for this Virginia girl. Here the story shifts into enlightenment mode where Brady comes to find that Virginia was taught that men cannot read or write and are basically useless besides their physical strength and their critical role in procreation. Instead, it’s her who knows nothing. Due to her role in the community she has no background in the arts or sciences. For her to become an exciting and interesting person (which is critical…such an educated and moral man isn’t gonna fall in love with a Barbie doll), Brady must enlighten her. This, I have to say, seemed to come across too forced (all the song singing, Dickens reading, lute playing) and was overall fairly boring.
Then, the excitement and action of Brady’s fight to escape (the main concept of the entire piece) was entirely wiped out with the unceremonious discovery of the diamond, which quite literally fell right into his lap. I seriously couldn’t believe it. That discovery made everything WAY too easy because with it, escape was assured. I felt that this event flat-lined any pulse the piece had. I was secretly hoping the bad ass dudes from Blood Diamond would show up and at least make Brady put up a fight for it.
There were also elements of the story that didn’t seem realistic based on the ground rules you established. For instance, I had an issue with the freedom granted to the Breeders to mate wherever they wished to, such as when they allowed Brady and Virginia to go off on their “picnic” in the woods alone. I felt that such a militant society would have far stricter rules and would demand that Defenders were always present. I mean, considering the Lesbos community is harvesting these men for their physical strength and stamina, it’s easy to imagine that a disgruntled “slave” strangles their mate and then makes a run for it. To combat this sort of potential behavior, I was expecting some large scale orgy that would be strictly regulated and controlled by the Defenders. That, to me, would not only make more sense based on their militant community, but would also be more interesting than Breeders going on mating picnics.
The story also spent too much time focused on the hierarchy of the society and the process of sorting out who would have the right to the thrown come time that Queen Sophia stepped down. I really didn’t understand why any time was devoted to this at all because it really made no difference one way or another. The bottom line of this story is that Brady’s gonna escape Lesbos with Virginia, so who cares if she’s next in line or Emily’s next in line? It just didn’t matter and added no drama in my opinion.
In regards to the characters, first we have Brady (perhaps named after Mathew Brady?), a Civil War photographer who very much objects to the concept of war, is a world traveler, speaks 4 languages and can disguise his southern roots by talking like a Yankee. Ok, I can believe all that. But when he demonstrated super human control by rejecting all Virginia’s initial attempts to mate purely based on principle…that was a lot harder to believe. To have that sort of will power…maybe. The biggest misunderstanding I had of Brady’s character was why he decided to turn around and go back to Virginia (when she was struck by the poison dart) after he had already escaped. Was he afraid of the aborigines? Was he already falling in love with her? For someone so righteous and moral and determined to find freedom, I just didn’t understand why he didn’t keep on running.
Virginia was a hollow shell of a woman, which I know is the point when we first meet her, but even after her crash course on the arts she never seemed to become a richer character. The whole Brady-Virginia relationship reminded me of Pleasantville. You have an enlightened person stuck against their will in an environment of unenlightened folk. The magic happens when the unenlightened finally see the light. Though you seemed to be conscious of trying to show Virginia’s enlightenment (Virginia seemed to appreciate music, books and theater), nothing ever really changed in her behavior that proved she genuinely got it. It seemed to me as if she was regurgitating Brady’s passion for the arts purely due to her blind devotion to him, similar to a young child who will blindly pursue his father’s ambitions to make him happy. I just never felt that she had that personal renaissance that a main character like that has to have.
The aborigines…I just didn’t really understand them. I felt like their original purpose was to serve as a perimeter to keep any slaves from escaping, which is critical in a story about imprisonment. But then they assisted the slaves to help defeat Lesbos at the end. Were they trying to aid the slaves in their escape the whole time? All I know is that they seemed pretty damn accurate with their spears and blow darts at the end there. With that sort of power, it seems like they could’ve had their way with a tribe of woman, especially with the number of strong male slaves who would’ve been more than happy to revolt. Maybe the language barrier dashed any hopes of organizing something like that? And I just didn’t understand why they shot blow darts at Virginia and then didn’t do anything to her (capture her, kill her, etc.)? I just didn’t get the purpose of them shooting a dart at her then leaving her there.
Caine seemed kinda useless for most of the story cause he never had a clear goal/role until the end. He actually came across fairly oblivious and annoying, humming away on his harmonica the whole time. It finally started to make some sense when I found out his relationship with Virginia, but the whole scenario seemed like a too-late attempt to escalate the dramatic tension. Their super short reunion at the end was incredibly corny and really removed me from what was the most exciting part of the story. I just feel there’s a way to use his character more effectively earlier in the script so that when he finally spills his guts to Virginia, the audience is more prepared and would find it more realistic and moving.
Laflamme brought along the most exciting part of the story since he was the character who could redeem Brady’s diamond for safe passage out of Lesbos. I just wish he had shown up a lot earlier.
Though I didn’t love the script, I did appreciate some of its dimensions, such as its effort to make a social comment about the importance of defeating ignorance with art and understanding. You’re no doubt a strong writer, but this piece just didn’t tie together well. It never seemed to commit itself to any particular principle goal. To me, the bottom line is Brady’s struggle to escape and I personally would love to see a rewrite that focused far more on that. And it should have an orgy scene :)
Good luck! read
by jehall on 12/11/2007From the first page to the last, you held my attention, which is not an easy thing to do. While the idea of an Amazonian society certainly isn't original, the context to which you've placed it is. Setting this story long ago during the times when women didn't have many rights reminds the reader that this extreme society might not be that different than the 'normal' society... From the first page to the last, you held my attention, which is not an easy thing to do. While the idea of an Amazonian society certainly isn't original, the context to which you've placed it is. Setting this story long ago during the times when women didn't have many rights reminds the reader that this extreme society might not be that different than the 'normal' society that existed at this time. In fact, this script is filled with ideas from slavery to racism to women's rights to free will, and while there might not be a clear message or statement that comes out, I definitely felt like I had read something that was intelligent and thoughtful and allowed me to think about these subjects. I would've liked if his occupation of photography came more into play, but I loved the story of how these men are selected and once they arrive to the land, how they are treated. I don't usually write this, but I can't think of any specific improvements for the story.
The characters were strong and distinct that I never had a problem remembering a person. However, I would've liked to have seen Terrence more, since he's shown earlier to get along with Brady. He could've served a needed sidekick role for Brady. The dialogue is sharp and doesn't seem to be on-the-nose at all throught the script. Characters have unique voices, and as we all know, that is a huge challenge in writing a sp.
The structure was strong and all the major plot points seemed to happen at the right place. You always hear that the first 10 pages are the most important and this script is a shining example of that. I was hooked from the opening pages, especially the awesome moment where Deborah slits the throat of the wounded soldier. This moments delivers such a shock that I will find it hard to believe anyone stopped reading past this point. A criticism I did have was the moving forward 7 months seemed a bit uneven and messed up the nice flow of the script for me. Other than that, though, the pacing was great.
If you look at my past reviews, you would see that I'm not always this positive. I like to end reviews by offering ideas for improvement, but I'm really struggling to think of something right now. Perhaps, the ending is too easy, and a great thought-provoking story deserves an ending that is more psychological than action-packed. Besides a few earlier mentioned problems, I have little to change. I just think it would be a shame if this script is ever thought of an escape film. A great read and I wish you luck. read
by sonyaa2 on 12/04/2007Quite interesting that you made Queen Sophia Black, which would probably have been historically correct, like Queen Califia, who California is named after. Unfortunately, these women are portrayed horribly. They aren't described as beautiful and are very mean. However, Virginia, who I would assume is caucasian is "stunningly beautiful" and saves the day. The concept of these... Quite interesting that you made Queen Sophia Black, which would probably have been historically correct, like Queen Califia, who California is named after. Unfortunately, these women are portrayed horribly. They aren't described as beautiful and are very mean. However, Virginia, who I would assume is caucasian is "stunningly beautiful" and saves the day. The concept of these white men during Civil War times being made slaves by black amazons is unique, but I would like to have seen a few more of the black characters have a little valor. Overall, though, the writing is strong. Don't think Brady's dialogue is colloquial, though. It sounds too conetemporary. read
by Vales on 12/04/2007They had me at Civil War photographer, they lost me at the repeated use of the word "seed" -in between I was riveted by this slow moving love story of epic proportions. The first four pages of this script move like a hot knife through butter as you try to figure out where its going. However, where it's going is a predictable ending with an even more predictable structure.... They had me at Civil War photographer, they lost me at the repeated use of the word "seed" -in between I was riveted by this slow moving love story of epic proportions.
The first four pages of this script move like a hot knife through butter as you try to figure out where its going. However, where it's going is a predictable ending with an even more predictable structure.
There is no doubt that this is a well written screenplay. There is also no doubt that the dialogue is wooden at best. But what I found fascinating, even surprising, is that the concept even though unoriginal was written with enough chutzpah to be called great. Reading this script you can't help but let your mind get taken for a ride. The writer infuses the right amount of detail to make this an easy task, you can smell the dead bodies on the battlefield. You can taste the blood from the lead character's wounds. You can even visualize the Lesbos island with crystal clear clarity.
What you can't do is understand why this story feels so familiar even though you know that you have never seen or read this before.
by David Muhlfelder on 11/29/2007Sorry, Peter, but I've wanted to make that pun for some time now. I can't think of a more deserving recipient for my 700th screenplay review on TS (Two of my reviews are short films). This concept was way cool. I don't think I've ever seen anything quite like it. Part Jules Verne, part Russ Meyer. You did a great job of setting up your second and third act reveals. Everytime... Sorry, Peter, but I've wanted to make that pun for some time now. I can't think of a more deserving recipient for my 700th screenplay review on TS (Two of my reviews are short films). This concept was way cool. I don't think I've ever seen anything quite like it. Part Jules Verne, part Russ Meyer. You did a great job of setting up your second and third act reveals. Everytime I started to question something, you answered it. Even things I thought were mistakes, like when Brady told the soldier he was from Massachusetts, then told Virginia he was from New Jersey, turned out to be clever foreshadowing. There were a couple of things I felt could be fleshed out a bit. What, exactly, was the business relationship between Laflamme and Sophia? I assumed since she gave him the diamonds and got nothing in return that he provided protection to the island. But I think it needs to be clearer since you portray Lesbos as a self-reliant entity. The other thing that momentarily took me out of the story was that you seemed to lose Brady's desire to escape during his month with Virginia. When he finally told her of his desire to escape on p. 63, I thought, well he hasn't done much about it since he came back to save her after his first attempt in the jungle. I know she lied for him, and this had an effect on his feelings for her, but I also think we need to see Brady plotting, or even beginning to implement, his plan of escape so we don't lose that ongoing desire. You also might consider having Brady involve Terrence in his plans. Just a thought. Your climax was truly exciting. Deborah made a great villain, and her end was most satisfying. All in all, another great job. read
by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 11/24/2007Superb piece. You are a fantastic writer, and I thoroughly enjoyed reading "Slave". The 3-act structure was perfectly defined, the dialogue and imagery crisp, and it was not ridden with all of the typographical and grammatical errors I have come to expect from TriggerStreet authors. Well done! I have a few comments for you: page 1- 2. Good setup here. We are in the midst... Superb piece. You are a fantastic writer, and I thoroughly enjoyed reading "Slave". The 3-act structure was perfectly defined, the dialogue and imagery crisp, and it was not
ridden with all of the typographical and grammatical errors I have come to expect from TriggerStreet authors. Well done!
I have a few comments for you:
page 1- 2. Good setup here. We are in the midst of a war, where people are getting mangled. The stakes are high. Very powerful imagery used in the hospital tent (blood, guts,
doctors performing medieval-type procedures).
page 6 - Interesting. Amidst all the conflict around them, the women also have some strong negative feelings towards each other.
page 7 -11 Started to lose a little interest here. One of my overall comments for this story is that we never really get to know the characters other than
Brady and Virginia. Everyone else is a stereotype (Deborah is the masculine brute, the Queen is cold and calculating, Emily a classic betrayer). I would
like to know more about Terrence for one. This might be a good section to flesh him out more.
page 10 - there are 2 Ds in the montage - is this correct?
page 12 - Lesbos? OK, I read your information on the historical usage of the word. But is it ok for this to be a comedic moment in your script (for an audience)?
If not, I suggest modifying the term or its pronunciation.
page 14 - I literally almost dropped my computer when I read Benjamin's taunt. Great conflict here (albeit quickly resolved).
page 15 - why the number 14? Did I miss something here?
page 18 - "There’s always room for one more snippy to serve in the Houses." Not sure what he means by this.
page 26 - At this point, I thought your story was heading into the "man-film" arena by having a secret society of women who have sex with men all the time.
Thankfully, you chose a classier, far more interesting direction as Brady refuses Virginia's advances.
page 27 - "If you prove your seed is good, you’ll be used more often." I like it. Funny, but not intentionally (the best kind of humor).
page 35 - Emily turns on her friend really quickly. Why? She doesn't strike me as power hungry, more like immature.
page 39 - I like the subtext here. Nice usage.
page 41 - "Guess he didn’t like monodic music." Excellent.
page 61 - The addition of the French contingent piqued my interest. Possibly an escape route for Brady?
page 64 - "Trust me, I just did. We can start over together. Just you and me." This was unclear to me at first read. Is Brady referring to his capture or a recent resolve to
give up his family's heritage of owning slaves?
page 80 - I'm not sure the women of Lesbos would take Terrence's testimony as truth. At this point, it is his word (and the coaching from Deborah) against Emily's word. This didn't work for me.
page 88 - I was not satisfied with the demise of Terrence. First, he said he would tell Brady when he would run, intimating they would be a team. Second,
it is never good to see an honorable man take his own life even if he is doomed.
page 105 - Deborah gets impaled. Kind of cliche for my taste. Isn't there a better way? Put some of the chemical on her and push her into the fire! Also,
as the reader, I really hate Queen Sophia. Did she die in the explosions? She needs a grueling death as well.
As for the last page, I felt the last exchange was rather weak and unfulfilling. Maybe go for a stronger declaration.
Again, a tremendous story. Great job! read
by samnorton on 11/23/2007I want to commend you off the bat, because it's unusual to read a script so structurally sound. However, with that said, it's never impossible to be critical and I'll do my best. I'll start with a small detail, but an important one. I want to put forward an argument for you to change the name of "Lesbos". There are a few reasons for this - Firstly, I've heard it before on... I want to commend you off the bat, because it's unusual to read a script so structurally sound. However, with that said, it's never impossible to be critical and I'll do my best.
I'll start with a small detail, but an important one. I want to put forward an argument for you to change the name of "Lesbos". There are a few reasons for this - Firstly, I've heard it before on the British sitcom Coupling (which I believe was horribly butchered in America) and secondly it's too jokey. It breaks the tone of the film, which up until this point doesn't crack gags. By using the term "Lesbos" in this situation you're harming your story more than serving it. Trust me on this. What's more, it's not going to get a laugh because the audience isn't primed for it. Instead you're pulling us out of the story and undercutting the authenticity of the culture on the island.
Next up. "Nigger Whore". P.14. I've been thinking over this long and hard. When I first read the line in the script I couldn't help but stop reading, skip over to my note pad and write "Whoa! Where did that come from?". However, having finished the story and had time to let it sink in, I do understand why it's used. I get the need to make both cultures seem as damaging as each other and lets face it, this character exists to get killed off. Nonetheless, something still doesn't sit right with me and I think it's because of what I'm going to call the "Whoa!" factor. The line is so abrupt, so sudden and unexpected in the script that it really hit me. Up until this point, I don't think there has been any racism really expressed. I understand that we are in the past and that it's bubbling under the surface, but because this is the very first real instance and because it's so raw I feel like it's too shocking. Also, there's no way in hell this would get past a censor, not as it is. I think if you're going to do it, either tone it down or give us stepping stones so it's not so plain shocking when it happens. It's okay for characters to be racist, but only if we already hate them. In this case, sure he's called a woman a whore in the past but he's been on the end of a lot of hardship and that somewhat balances out our empathy to him.
So those are my two specifics. Now I want to tackle structure like i think an employed script reader might. I've been looking over a few reports lately and the thing which strikes me is just how damn critical they are when it comes to a certain few details. As I've said, I think your structure is very strong; everything is tied together very professionally, but I can't help but wonder if they would comment your protagonists motivations in the opening war scene. For what reason would he choose to be a war photographer and why would he have such a positive demeanour about it? I understand from his dialogue at the end that he thinks it's pointless, but his body language is positively chipper and lines like "Lovely weather, isn't it" don't help that.
Also, on page 84 Brady says "Then why haven't you tried to run? You're a coward. Just like me". I don't buy this speech because you've shown that his motivation for not running isn't cowardice, but loyalty.
I think that's the best I can do when it comes to criticising here. I took some notes whilst reading, but they're very minimal. It's nice to see a blue star I fully agree with.
P.4 - You mention Sammy is too weakened to do anything then in the parenthesis you say he speaks weakly.
P.8 - I don't like the word "erasing" in this context.
P.9 - A silent eulogy? A eulogy is a speech is it not?
P.14 - "Nigger Whore" comes suddenly and I feel that it's too hard for me. I get that his but I have to think that the term "nigger whore" would get cut if it were ever to get put on the screen anyway. Especially as it's so abrupt.
P.87 - "Your daughter?" (ditch the line, we don't need it because the last time we cut from this scene it ended on the same line) read
by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 11/16/2007SLAVE is a very well-written first draft. Despite the time taken to post this review, I read the script in just one sitting. The main point of my critique concerns the lack of conflict and the undeveloped rules of your fictional setting. Structurally, the script is sound. Action lines read fast. Scenes play out quickly and efficiently. The script always feels like its moving... SLAVE is a very well-written first draft. Despite the time taken to post this review, I read the script in just one sitting. The main point of my critique concerns the lack of conflict and the undeveloped rules of your fictional setting.
Structurally, the script is sound. Action lines read fast. Scenes play out quickly and efficiently. The script always feels like its moving forward and in the right, logical direction. The subplots compliment the main plot and tie together nicely. Deborah - while not too original - was a very interesting villain and Virginia was a very sad, sympathetic character. Very nice work crafting them. Emily's betrayal and Terrence's death were two moments I noted as high lights of the script. Dialogue very sharp and never felt expository.
Concerning your other characters, hearing more from the other male slaves would help bring a new angle to the script. Brady seems to speak for the pack but what about those men who are happy where they are? Did any other men try to escape? The arguments Brady brings up are always interesting and make for good conflict. I found that he always said exactly what I was feeling at that particular time.
Terrence and Caine felt a bit underused and underdeveloped. You could get a more dramatic punch from Terrence’s death if he were a much more established character. Caine is revealed to be Virginia’s father but for the most part he’s just in the background. Not nonexistent but for someone of importance to the story, I would have liked to see more of him.
Brady is a bit underdeveloped in the beginning of the story. He needs an angle, a few quirks - maybe even an allusion to his true identity. Speaking of which, peppering your story with a few more clues would work to make the sudden revelation of him being the son of a slave owner a bit more believable. It was never built up and though, not unbelievable (considering Brady’s stance on the Female Society) it just isn’t solid.
His relationship with Virginia played out nicely. I assumed she would give birth to a boy but I didn’t expect it to survive. I knew Deborah would be the first to lay hands on the child but I the sacrifice scene was an unexpected to treat.
The script did a fine job of developing the Female Society but by the end I was left with a few unanswered questions. What was the location - by that I mean where in the world were the girls living? How were they able to keep themselves hidden for so long? What did they call themselves? What agreements did they have with the outside world? LaFlamme partially answers that last question and I’d like to see a bit more of him. I would have liked a bit more explanation of what was happening to these men in the beginning when Deborah and the others arrived to take them away. Placing the events of the script during the Civil War was a good touch. It allowed for conflict between the American men and the Women of the Society. Good job.
The plot as a whole was very intriguing and as I said before, I read through the script in just one sitting. I can’t praise it enough -- it’s going on my favorites list. Good luck with future revisions! read
by jwest on 11/16/2007You’ll have to excuse me if I don’t mention formatting, as I am still learning that myself. There is, however tonnes of people on Ts who know it backwards and I am sure will help more in that department. I shall therefore concentrate on the rest and give the best I can in order of my 'ickle opinion. Although from the outset, it is obvious you clearly know what you are doing,... You’ll have to excuse me if I don’t mention formatting, as I am still learning that myself. There is, however tonnes of people on Ts who know it backwards and I am sure will help more in that department. I shall therefore concentrate on the rest and give the best I can in order of my 'ickle opinion.
Although from the outset, it is obvious you clearly know what you are doing, so methinks that this will be a smooth and interesting read. The set up is tight, visual and clearly set out with hints of the terror of such battles and at the same time, capturing real character.
Page 2: Would it not be easier to just state no sound/silence in the description there, as it might be tricky to illustrate that dry blood is making Brady deaf.
Hey, I just watched Elisabeth: Golden Age. Is it true Raleigh named Virginia for her, the Virgin queen? Heeheee.
Like your action/descripts – very prose flow like. Makes the reading process easy peasy.
I wonder if the laidies would treat their captives a little better – as in keep them a little more in shape, in order to get better ‘work’ from them. Just a thought, otherwise they are of little use if they are not healthy as such to do their jobs properly, from rowing a boat to other ‘duties.’
Page13: Ooooo personally unsure about ‘matrons’ – reminds me of a Carry on film.
Ahhhh it appears that I am referring to your document page numbers, as the written page numbers are 1 behind. So above was 12 – very witty ‘Lesbos.’ Do you need to be so literal in your puns? I guess you do . . . :D
Your top page number 24: VIRGINIA - And there’s worse places to be than here, wouldn’t you say?
BRADY - Anywhere I choose to be is far better than somewhere I don’t. Sorry, to me Brady’s line doesn’t quite gel there and sits less easy as the surroundings do. Perhaps if I may be so bold to suggest ;-p
Brady- I would prefer anywhere, but here.
Or something like that-ish – maybe, p’raps.
Page 26: Rifle? Thought they had bows, and spears and such like? Rifle seems slightly, suddenly out of place methinks.
Page 27: Slight cumbersome to me “become with child” – be with child is just as good.
Page 31: Hmmm unsure about “She saw me leave her to die on the ground.” The info kinda merges he to die or she to die? Suggest ‘she watched me run, leaving her to die.’
Of course I chuck out these suggestions from my own reading view, naturally feel free to chuck my suggestions out too ;D
Page 33: Nitpicky me oops – “Once the enemy is defeated, use those resources to turn on the ally that lent you them in the first place.”
Again a little jumbled, even when spoken aloud. Just needs another comma or somink: ‘Once the enemy is defeated, use those resources to then turn on the ally, who first provided them.’
Page 37: I dunno, what about Benjamin??? Have I missed something?
Page 40: New Jersey??? mid 1800’s his parents must have been fairly educated and of a certain class, to be knowledgeable of music, sailing . . . New Jersey seems like an odd place to locate them. Hang on, then they sound more ‘working class’ with suffering from consumption. Me confused?
Page 51: NOOOoo not a wing, go for the leg of the chicken – a bit more manly and fitting for such a masculine laidy.
Page 56: I would say that they are already ‘in love’, rather than ‘falling.’ And unsure if you need the sickly sweet montage of them frolicking. You’ve had the resistance and build up of their relationship already. Making love, to entwined is more than sufficient to illustrate the now definite bond between them.
Page 57: My thoughts EXACTLY, an over educated farmer eh? Who’d a thought it.
Page 61: Sorry I don’t quite get the significance of the tomb scene. I understand that V wants to continue to see B secretly, but it’s not explained why he can’t. If he luuurves her so much, would he not? Hmm?
Page 63: Ahhhhh, ignore me, that’s why he can’t see her secretly. Fair enough. Should it be two ‘seasons’ from now, plural there perchance?
Nice use of real Japanese theatre reference there. Cool.
Page 69: Would V be so ‘openly’ affectionate to B, by kissing him on the cheek?
Page 71: AHA. AND that explains that one tooo – seeeeee, I am tooo eager to pick out the incongruous. Sheeesh. He aint no farmer – noo sireee. You might wanna solidify his lies a bit better to not make it sooo obvious that his background doesn't quite add up.
Page 73: Not quite sure why Laflamme wants to wait for the diamond deal? Unless just to subject B to more punishment, but which also might mean that he’ll lose out on the gem.
Page 74: UH OH. Noooooo don’t do it V!!!! :D
Page 77: Sorry to be a pain. Would he be able to do that, pick up his mattress rip it up etc – he has just been ‘whipped’ good. Unsure if you’d be able to move at all?
Page 84: Niiice little twist there. On Caine’s line, I don’t think you need the ‘Enough’, just to have ‘She’s my daughter is a little more succinct/powerful maybe. Small tiny typo also – with Terence, ‘He stops.’
Page 88: Tiny suggestion on “Terrence nods, somehow knowingly.” As you ‘ve just had ‘knowingly’ perhaps Terence nods, appearing to understand.
Page 98: You’ve turned into Yoda, you have – “Queen Sophia’s eyes smolder as much as the conflagrant flames she watches.” Heeeheee it does read, but not quite a smooth as it could – tiny thing really.
Page 99: I would respectively ask that you remove your references to ‘spastic,’ (think that you have used it somewhere else too) which is a little unnecessary. You might not be using the word to offend anyone, but I find it a bit un-PC. Strange thing to say, but I personally don’t find it a nice word and others who read it might agree.
Page 103: Lawdy no. Oh noooo, what a shame, get all exciting action, followed by a dying man playing his harmonica to his daughter. Oh dear, a bit cheesy.
Dawww happy ending look. Heeeheee. LOL.
A mix of Planet of the Apes, Zorro, Cleopatra (not sure why? Dominant women, bitchiness, deception etc ;o) and Carry on Up the Khyber = FUN. Thanks for the quick and entertaining read. Good luck and best wishes. read
by djd on 11/12/2007I get the impression that the writer of this story is sophisticated because the writing has a cultured flow to it. I enjoyed the writing, it is very imaginative and creative and yet believable; It makes unbelievable seem realistic. The concept is extremely effective in yeilding interesting characters and edge of the seat conflict. The creative four groups(healers, defenders,... I get the impression that the writer of this story is sophisticated because the writing has a cultured flow to it. I enjoyed the writing, it is very imaginative and creative and yet believable; It makes unbelievable seem realistic. The concept is extremely effective in yeilding interesting characters and edge of the seat conflict. The creative four groups(healers, defenders, academics and artists) are interesting and their speech and actions generate and cause plot very well. I enjoyed the way you incorporate a Dicken's classic " Great Expectations" into the plot and dialogue as if it were contempory. That's a unique concept and a good one! There is so much realism in the structure and dialogue that it seems possible for all of this to have existed, it's truly fascinating and well done. The social commentary on slavery was interesting, it's 150 years old but still relevant. I enjoyed the story, the concept is creative, the characters are interesting and the dialogue gives the illusion of reality. I would like to make a few closing suggestions. Try to remove romance novel writing like on pg. 55 it dilutes character of excellent drama and leave it to direction whose entwined to who. Did the defenders have to be so gruesome it seemed like overkill at times. I don't think you ever established a reason for the warriors hatred for the lesbos and I believe you need to do this to justify the final scenes. Overall your structure was impressive. You set up a significant dramatic problem on several fronts and your rising actions were intense and the climax would be worth waiting for, for the audience. CHEERS for a nice writing job! Good Luck. read
- Writer: Peter Scott Vicaire
- Uploaded by: micmacmoviemaker
- Length: 108 pages
- Genre: adventure, romance
- "Slave" is the quickest script I've written so far, from vague concept to first draft in 8 weeks.****I hope you enjoy reading it and I appreciate your time, thoughts and suggestions.
- Bio: I was born in Squatney, east London and at the age of six, my father gave me first guitar, a Sunburst 'Rhythm King.' My life changed when I met David St. Hubbins and we began jamming together in a toolshed in his garden. We quickly wrote our first song, "(Cry) All the Way Home." My hobbies include screenwriting, collecting guitars (particularly noteworthy is my Sea Foam Green six-string Fender Bass VI with the tagger still attached). I also play mandolin, piano, and provide backing vocals for my band but ultimately my solos are my trademark. I'm currently writing a classical piece which I feel combines the musical characteristics of both Mozart and Bach, a "Mach piece," if you will. It's part of a musical trilogy in D minor, which I always find is the saddest of all keys. For now, it's entitled "Lick My Love Pump." If I wasn't writing screenplays or in the music industry, I'd like to either enter the field of haberdashery or become a surgeon. I like surgery.
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