Reviews of Slip Away 11

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  Slip Away
  A review of Slip Away
  by Ryan Maher on 09/10/2012
  Hi JD I really liked the ambition behind this script. Considering it's only 102 pages, you've done really well to capture such a multi layered story, with so many visual locations. Harbours, motel rooms, multiple states, it's a really big world you've created in so few pages. I can't knock your writing skills. There's loads of white space on every page. It's easy on the eye... Hi JD
  
  I really liked the ambition behind this script. Considering it's only 102 pages, you've done really well to capture such a multi layered story, with so many visual locations. Harbours, motel rooms, multiple states, it's a really big world you've created in so few pages. I can't knock your writing skills. There's loads of white space on every page. It's easy on the eye.
  
  Because I can't find any fault on the structural side (with the exception of maybe one or two camera directions, but that's no big deal), I'm just going to dive into the notes I wrote down whilst reading 'Slip Away'. Unfortunately, I did pick up quite a few and this spoilt the read for me a little.
  
  P8 Caps lock error. "FBI AGENT EDDIE Brooks".
  
  P15 I suggest dropping "Lilly is unusually quiet".
  
  P16 "Devin was my whole life" sounds more dramatic on it's own. Drop the rest of her sentence.
  
  P17 "Take care of him for me, okay". Question mark required.
  
  P22 'Lilly can't help but grin'. I think she better try harder, because her son has only just died. No mother would smile for anything after such a tragedy.
  
  P24 Why would Lilly be splashing the cash in such unnatural fashion? I get that her head's not in the right place at the moment, but she's already considering revenge. I would think she'd want to lay low.
  
  P26 'Marty is there to take her to the shrink'. Violation of the great commandment: show, don't tell.
  
  P29 'Marty yells cheerfully out the window'. Marty is an inconsiderate son of a bitch. Joking aside, it's out of character. Why would he be giving Lilly a life goes on attitude. She's grieving, people would respect that.
  
  P33 When the receptionist compares the license photo with Lilly's face, drop 'it matches'.
  
  P34 The hairdresser's not important enough to garner such a thorough description. Just introduce her as 'THE HAIRDRESSER' and let her character come across in her dialogue. Her dialogue is really good, by the way. I really liked it.
  
  P34 The scene describing Lilly in her car, and the reader/viewer seeing her through the sun roof... It slowed the pace of the script down for me, because the direction pulled me out of the story itself.
  
  P35 'Derby streets some TOURISTS' should be 'Derby Street. Some TOURISTS'.
  
  P43 'He looks at the yacht in the next slip burning brightly out of control'. It reads better with a comma: 'He looks at the yacht in the next slip, burning brightly out of control'.
  
  P45 'listens to Nick's lungs' over 'listens to Nicks lungs'.
  
  P47 'Lilly sits in the couch'.
  
  P52 Nice to see Mullen again. I forgot all about him. You set him up like he was going to play a more crucial role, yet he only reappears so far in the second act. I think your story would benefit from including him more, or removing his physical presence from the script completely. It might be a little cooler if he was only spoken of anyway. You could set him up like a monstrous unseen force. The antagonists could recite stories about Mullen, like he's twisted.
  
  P57 'Duck walks into the bathroom'. I beg your pardon?
  
  p64 'Everything looks fine'. Delete.
  
  P65 Walczak and his b-story are threatening to steal the limelight from Lilly and her revenge. I like Walczak, he's an awesome villain, but I would spread his scenes out a bit more.
  
  P69 Who is the 'OTHER WOMAN' that yells 'Hey! You forgot your small claims form'. Shouldn't that just be Marge saying that?
  
  P82 "So didn't you". I'm guessing that Callum meant to say "So did you".
  
  P82 Callum's entire conversation seems unnatural. He starts of by asking her if she's absolutely sure she knows what she's doing. Basically, can you handle this?
  
  Lilly bears her emotions by indicating she may not be cool with killing Nick after all, because of his kid.
  
  Callum takes this as his queue to tell her to suck it up and commit murder. Murder's not something that one takes lightly. For him to be insensitive enough to say "Don’t, Lilly. If you give him..." is a little bit shallow, considering he's not meant to be too bad of a guy.
  
  P84 "Wouldn't know. They never made it". So he does know then! Bad dialogue.
  
  P88 'Nick carefully but with purpose' should be 'Nick carefully, but with purpose'.
  
  P92 The entire scene involving Walczak getting shot in the chest and then driving off. It needs to be revised. I couldn't believe that Walczak (apparently not wearing his vest) could take a bullet to the chest and carry on driving, shooting and pouring out his death speech.
  
  P93 'Walczak laughs at the irony'. Drop this.
  
  P94 From dying one minute, to guns blazing the next. This whole scene definitely needs to be re approached.
  
  P98 I found an extra line of blank space before the EXT. PINE GROVE CEMETERY scene.
  
  P101 'holds it to closely her chest'. Whoops.
  
  
  Now, I'm as guilty as you are, when it comes to prematurely uploading a script. You write the first draft and can't wait for everyone else to read it and give you feedback.
  
  Everything above WOULD of been nipped in the bud, had you left this script simmer for a couple of weeks, before going back to it with a clear head and have a full read through, armed with a pen and paper for notes. I do believe a script will always benefit from a cooling off period.
  
  As a reader, I felt lost in the second act. Ultimately, I'd look at every scene in your story and single out anything that doesn't move the plot forward. Though I think the story needs a bit of work, I certainly adore your storytelling. Your narrative description is outstanding. Things like page 47s 'skank casual' keeps things short and sweet, but strong enough to give me a clear image of this woman. Excellent choice of words.
  
  My favourite narrative description was 'She makes the sign of the cross, and raises the rifle scope back up to her eye. The photo blows off in a gust of wind'. Very nicely done.
  
  I had no problems with your dialogue. Both Lilly and Walczak were very well written characters. They drew me in and kept me going through the second act. Some of your other characters aren't present enough in this script to garner them relevance in the first place than other to move the story from A to B to C. I' think Nick especially could do with a bit more screen time. I'd like to see more of him.
  
  I think that's it. Can't think of any other advise I can offer.
  
  Good luck with your subsequent drafts - Ry read
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  DJB's Review
  A review of Slip Away
  by DJBFilmz on 08/24/2012
  Well your script has gotten seem to have gotten good reviews because I see it has four stars. I however did not like it. The strongest part of your writing is your action. The story itself is okay. My biggest issue is your dialogue. My disclaimer is I really like character driver stories, you have some good ones in this, in fact you could have some great ones, but your dialogue... Well your script has gotten seem to have gotten good reviews because I see it has four stars. I however did not like it. The strongest part of your writing is your action. The story itself is okay. My biggest issue is your dialogue. My disclaimer is I really like character driver stories, you have some good ones in this, in fact you could have some great ones, but your dialogue straight up kills it.
  
  I don’t like giving bad reviews, I usually end up removing scripts after 10 if I don’t like it so I don’t have too, but read up to 50 and now I’m finishing this script and will be reviewing it. If everyone else loved it you could toss my review off as garbage anyway :- )
  
  Anyway, my comments are below:
  
  You obvious strong point is your action, because you dialogue is jacked up. I.e; “I hope so… I’m ready to get off this roller-coaster ride already.” That sounds expository and corny all at the same time.
  
  Though your action is great, I think you have too much of it.
  
  The dialogue that is good is when Lilly is talking to her child, but honestly I don’t care for children in films unless it’s a Spielberg movie so… Yeah.
  
  I hate when everyone has an age. I don’t care if “people” say you’re supposed to its annoying. Only the main/significant characters need ages.
  
  Why do you have names for character that show up once? And/or die? It’s unnecessary.
  
  It seems like you end every scene with an action. Why? I see many place where you don’t need to. i.e; pg. 11. Nick turns and glares out the window. Glares at what? The dead body of Frankie? If so then write it because it’s just extra action I have to read.
  
  I’m sorry but I do have to mention this again. The dialogue in this thing just bugs me I don’t know why it bugs me so much either… Maybe because your action seems quick and tasteful, yet your dialogue is long and drawn out. You could easily cut things down to just a sentence. And again it feels corny for what the story is, another reason why I say take a second look. It’s just you’re action is so well done it reflect very badly on the lame character lines.
  
  Your SCENE HEADINGS also need fixing. We go from SALEM HOSPITAL – MORNING to REMOTE HOTEL ROOM – LATER???????? No, no, no… It should be NIGHT, not later. Then you say BATHROOM – NIGHT. You have the two times mixed up and really there should be no later unless it’s LATER IN THE DAY. Or LATER THAT DAY / LATER THAT NIGHT.
  
  You have another messed up scene header with INT/EXT WALCZAK’S CAR – NIGHT, this should be pretty obvious why it’s wrong. You have no action/direction lines. So… Where are we? Is he or she speaking from the car? Also INT/EXT is just a bad read; I’ve seen it only in a select few scripts I’ve read out of the many that I have read. Anyway this will be the last time I mention anything about scene headers, go through and change them.
  
  Lots of tears in the first thirty pages. Almost too much.
  
  Why do people talk to themselves in your script? It’s expository and annoying.
  
  When people are on the phone. It’s (O.S.) and in a wryly (filtered)
  
  This script is formatted almost perfectly, but you need to fix your phone convos, and your scene headers.
  
  Pg. 1. Boats cannot make sharp turns. I know this for a fact.
  Pg. 1. Lilly says “screw this.” – So basically she’s talking to herself?
  Pg. 5. – borders on awkward. – Unnecessary to say this.
  Pg. 41. (elbows her in the ribs) is not an emotion it’s an action so it should be an action line.
  Pg. 98. Callum looks up and blushes. Lolz? When do men blush? Maybe he smiles or something cooler.
  
  I don’t get your last scene. The ending not only confused me but seemed weak. And who is Lilly talking TO?!?!?!
  
  Overall this script, for me anyway, needs some serious refinement. Cut down your action or put dialogue in-between the action to break it up, but make sure the dialogue is good if not great. read
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  Slip Away Review
  A review of Slip Away
  by TaundaEdwards on 08/19/2012
  The action in this screenplay was very well written. Your detail was great. I could picture every scene, movement, etc… That shows a great skill. However, I was very confused with some of the characters in this script, and their involvement in the plot. Callumn was one character that still leaves me confused, even after I have finished the screenplay. He was either not a factor... The action in this screenplay was very well written. Your detail was great. I could picture every scene, movement, etc… That shows a great skill. However, I was very confused with some of the characters in this script, and their involvement in the plot. Callumn was one character that still leaves me confused, even after I have finished the screenplay. He was either not a factor that received too much focus, or his character was not fully developed. I will re-read this script, to see if I missed any important details on his character, but as of now, I have no idea what he even meant to the story.
  
  I think you have a good concept here, but it is not fully developed. I would like to see more done in the story, because I realize a murder was covered up, but what was the involvement with the FBI agent, Walczak? How did he become involved with the mobsters in the first place? I would have liked for more of his story to unfold. There were a lot of characters, but not enough back story for those characters, in my opinion.
  
  Again, I believe you did great with format and screen description. I would have preferred more dialogue, but that is because I am a person who loves dialogue. Maybe this particular script called for less dialogue, but I believe you should have inserted some more.
  
  I like the overall concept, but it could be fleshed out more. For the first draft, I think you did great. If you make the plot and characters more clear, I believe this script could be a major hit! Best of luck! read
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  Great Story
  A review of Slip Away
  by Jerry Wilson on 08/12/2012
  Slip Away was an easy faced paced read. Lilly was a great character with multi-demensions. The bad guys were great. The screenplay had good structure and was easy to digest. The dialogue was not "over the top", or too sappie. I liked your use of visuals such as Devon's drawing to tie in aspects of the movie. It really plays well on screen for me. Though the concept is... Slip Away was an easy faced paced read. Lilly was a great character with multi-demensions. The bad guys were great. The screenplay had good structure and was easy to digest. The dialogue was not "over the top", or too sappie. I liked your use of visuals such as Devon's drawing to tie in aspects of the movie. It really plays well on screen for me.
  Though the concept is not new at all, you did a great job playing it out again.
  I eslpecially liked the ending and the visuals. Boston is such a great location because of it's colorful people and inner city scene. Overall, I'd say you did an excellent job, and kept a nice, tight storyline. read
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  decent story with good dialogue but the writing let it down
  A review of Slip Away
  by dluppers on 08/12/2012
  i was assigned this and the synopsis sounded promising. to be honest this was a hard read, maybe it's your style, but some of the writing was too confusing, i had to re-read several parts which became tedious and it still didn't make sence, maybe it's just me, i don't know... other than that i thought it was fairly well written, there were little to no mistakes in spelling... i was assigned this and the synopsis sounded promising.
  to be honest this was a hard read, maybe it's your style, but some of the writing was too confusing, i had to re-read several parts which became tedious and it still didn't make sence, maybe it's just me, i don't know... other than that i thought it was fairly well written, there were little to no mistakes in spelling or grammer. the dialogue was good and didn't seem forced or out of place.
  lilly was a good character and i felt for her in her struggle, but she was the only character i liked, the others were just unlikeable and didn't care about them at all, maybe that was your point. there were far too many characters as well, it became confusing in some parts.
  story wise, i thought it had a good story underneath waiting to break out, it just never did, i felt the end was a let down, i expected a big shoot out or a tense scene, we got neither. the writing just didn't let me connect and the story suffered, but i feel with a little work you could have a good screenplay on your hands, i would maybe cut a few characters and write a more exciting ending, lilly deserved her revenge, she never even killed any one.
  on a side note, i don'tt believe the fbi guy would just leave lilly after she had arrived at the hotel/inn, he wouldn't just leave her alone.
  i did like the pregnancy reveal at the end, i didn't see thay coming. read
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  Review of Slip Away
  A review of Slip Away
  by DebraSwan on 07/22/2012
  Sorry to have had this in my queue for so long. I hope my notes are helpful. Overall it was an easy, fun read. I was confused by a few things in the story, and there are a few bits that might be better explored. NOTES: Pg. 2 [Just on the other side] isn’t really necessary. Pg. 3 [Tears stream down her face in the reflection of the window as she absorbs the news.]... Sorry to have had this in my queue for so long. I hope my notes are helpful. Overall it was an easy, fun read. I was confused by a few things in the story, and there are a few bits that might be better explored.
  
  NOTES:
  
  Pg. 2 [Just on the other side] isn’t really necessary.
  
  Pg. 3 [Tears stream down her face in the reflection of the window as she absorbs the news.] – Love this visual!
  
  Pg. 4 [Lilly’s opens] … Lilly opens
  
  Pg. 6 [for no apparent reason] isn’t really necessary.
  
  Pg. 7 [on top complete] … on top to complete
  Pg. 8 [He puts it under some papers on his clipboard.] Why?
  Pg. 8 [FBI AGENT EDDIE Brooks] … FBI AGENT EDDIE BROOKS
  Pg. 8 The described distain for Brooks doesn’t fit with the distraught mood Walczak seems to be in when he speaks about being a witness to the rookie killing.
  
  Pg. 11 [asleep on the chair] … asleep in the chair
  
  Pg. 12 I’m assuming Lily is laying in a bed, but you should describe it that way.
  Pg. 12 [troy] … Troy
  
  Pg. 15 [Lilly is unusually quiet.] … Lilly quietly sits in the passenger seat … is clearer
  
  Pg. 16 [Many are children who died in infancy in the eighteen-hundreds.] Why do we need to know this?
  Pg. 16 [Walczak slows as Lilly gets her bearings and gives directions.] This would be better shown through dialogue.
  
  Pg. 19 [As they toss the place looking for clues to Lilly’s whereabouts]… As they toss the place… would suffice. The rest is inferred.
  
  Pg. 22 Do Marty and Lilly know each other? They seem very familiar for two people that just met.
  
  Pg. 23 Wouldn’t Marty want to make sure that Lily gets to her room safely if she’s being protected?
  
  Pg. 26 [Marty is there to take her to the shrink] Have Lily look through the peep hole and see Marty.
  
  Pg. 27 I’m not getting a good handle on how much time has passed since the shooting. At first it reads like it has been a few days, but with the doc suggesting the police academy already it must be longer. You might want to look at this… and if she’s being hidden, why would he suggest that at all??
  
  Pg. 32 Wouldn’t the Doctor need to confirm that Lilly will no longer be a patient with the Marty?
  
  Pg. 35 You have the music fading twice in a row. Once it has faded the first time, it can’t fade again unless it amps up again.
  
  Pg. 36 [She takes a sip of her coffee, and angles for a better view to see who’s driving.] … She takes a sip of coffee and peers at the driver.
  Pg. 36 Suggestion… I would just disclose that this is Lilly – it’s really easy to figure out its her anyway.
  
  Pg. 38 [That’s when she notices the surveillance system] … She turns to case the room. Notices the surveillance system.
  
  Pg. 41 Love this whole sequence of Lilly getting her revenge on Nick. Nicely done!
  
  Pg. 52 [I don’t plan on to] … I don’t plan to
  
  Pg. 59 Is this the same Eddie Brooks at Devin’s shooting? You’ve bolded him as if he is just being introduced.
  
  Pg. 65 It seems odd that Russo would leave a classified folder in the open. It might be better if it Walczak finds it in the cabinet when he’s looking for page 1.
  
  Pg. 67 I’m not connecting the dots on how Walczak has figured Mullen as the unidentified robber.
  
  Pg. 71 [the window on the kitchen door] … kitchen door window
  Pg. 71 [opens the lock] … unlocks it.
  Pg. 71 [flashlight in the other] … suggestion: Have Lily hold the flashlight up beside her head like law enforcement do – it will elude to her academy training, which hasn’t been mentioned since we found out about it early on. It’s just a subtle thing that might add to the character.
  
  Pg. 73 Is this the same prison guard that took the phone call earlier, or a different one?
  
  Pg. 75 Seems odd that Walczak doesn’t realize he’s being followed – he’s a veteran FBI agent.
  
  Note: The character names Mullen and Callum are confusing me. It might just be me but you might want to consider changing one so there not so alike.
  
  Pg. 81 Wouldn’t Marty give him the plate number too?
  
  Pg. 82 Who’s gotten to her? The little boy?
  
  Pg. 85 [Other than the crickets chirping, there are no other sounds.] … Crickets chirping is the only sound.
  
  How does Lilly know Callum, other than he was there when Devin was killed? They seem very familiar with each other for them to be strangers. How does she know he can help her, or that he is aware that Nick is the one that killed Devin? … I think I’ve missed something…
  
  Pg. 87 [at through the television] … at the television
  
  Pg. 89 [pulls a photo] … pulls out a photo
  
  Pg. 93 Why will Lily take the blame for Walczak?
  
  Ending – I’m a bit confused as to how Lilly knew about the fishing cabin.
  
  A few things that don’t seem to go anywhere:
  
  1. Walczak’s distain for Brooks suggests a prior relationship or altercation. Is it because Brooks is clean?
  
  2. Lilly’s test results could be used throughout to create more tension. Throughout most of the script they are hardly mentioned. It may be because you want a big reveal at the end, but if you allude to them throughout, it would be a bigger moment, in my opinion.
  
  3. Lilly’s relationship with Darryl seems superfluous and doesn’t really add anything to the story.
  
  4. The whole part about the shrink and the visits there seems un-necessary to the story.
  
  5. What has Michael Cullen got to do with the plot and how do we know it's him at the gravesite? read
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  Gritty crime drama with heart
  A review of Slip Away
  by Lordkeith on 07/20/2012
  First off this script was well written and was an easy read. The dialogue was quick and to the point. Not a lot of exposition. None of the characters were too complex and the descriptions were minimal. I like the concept of the grieving mother wanting revenge and the setup of the good cop gone bad. It kept me reading. Even though Walczac is a bad cop you give him some redemtion... First off this script was well written and was an easy read. The dialogue was quick and to the point. Not a lot of exposition. None of the characters were too complex and the descriptions were minimal.
  
  I like the concept of the grieving mother wanting revenge and the setup of the good cop gone bad. It kept me reading. Even though Walczac is a bad cop you give him some redemtion when we see that Lilly is at his cabin. I like the ending too, it left us with some hope for Lilly.
  
  Just a suggestion but maybe bring it from 1992 to present time. A lot of technology can add to the suspense.
  
  A couple of issues:
  
  The scene when Devin gets shot. The way it's written it almost seems he was targeted but Gallum was the target at the art gallery. Maybe introduce Gallum in some way so we know he was the intended target. Just needs to be laid out better so the reader knows.
  
  When Russo and Decker get stopped by the car accident - A bit too convenient for Walczac's get-away.
  
  In closing - I would market this script to Prod-co's that specialize in MOW or Lifetime. read
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  Review of: "Slip Away"
  A review of Slip Away
  by grey on 07/19/2012
  I’m intrigued by the story and I believe the character’s of Lilly and Walczak have great potential to develop into a real cat and mouse relationship. Even the character of Nick is a richer than the average “wise guy” in pleading for his family. This is clearly an early draft of the screenplay, so I will give my impressions on where you might consider changes. There are over... I’m intrigued by the story and I believe the character’s of Lilly and Walczak have great potential to develop into a real cat and mouse relationship. Even the character of Nick is a richer than the average “wise guy” in pleading for his family.
  
  This is clearly an early draft of the screenplay, so I will give my impressions on where you might consider changes. There are over 25 named characters in the piece and you might want to streamline by eliminating some characters like Sid, Elizabeth, Melvin, Misty or combining characters for example Marty and Russo (an important character who doesn’t show up until page 43).
  
  The focus on Lilly driving through on the revenge of her son and husband’s deaths could be even sharper. She is the most powerful character here. The one an audience wants to experience the story through. I like that she questions herself and has some fear of God judging her for her actions. Perhaps a deeper look at her religious commitment prior to Devin’s death would add to this inner conflict.
  
  There were a few items that didn’t ring quite true to me. For example, pg. 8, Brooks prays with Lilly, but doesn’t know about her or Troy. He’s not a rookie why doesn’t he know about Troy's death?
  
  Pg. 16, as a mom, I feel the dialogue between Lilly and Walczak is not working. Lilly is talking too much. She has had a husband and child murdered. If it were me, I wouldn’t feel connected to the earth anymore and I doubt if I’d be able to string two words together. Plus Walczak says “We’ll get it straightened out.”? I can’t believe anyone would say this. He’s not talking about a fender bender.
  
  There are instances of expositional dialogue for example, Lilly on pg. 28. I have the feeling Dr. Trang is present solely for the purpose of getting this backstory out.
  
  Another aspect that I didn’t understand is why Lilly would trust Callum and go to him with her story. It may be the case that the enemy of my enemy is my friend, but Callum is a criminal. I think she needs a reason, some connection to him, that justifies this move.
  
  I have one other little problem and I realize that this is fairly typical in the genre, but personally instances like these bother me. So here it is: Nick was blown up on a boat and had an arrow “buried deep” in his chest – they had to push the arrow all the way through to get it out - but he seems to have suffered no ill effects from this. I wish I was blessed with this kind of fortitude.
  
  On the whole, I like it. I think with a greater emphasis on Lilly’s goal and more play between her and Walczak this could be a dynamic crime thriller. Good Luck to you. read
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  reveiw
  A review of Slip Away
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 07/16/2012
  Here are some notes as I read through. The last action line of page ten, I’m not sure if you need to reference the gruff voice as a prison guard since we do not see him. Some of your action lines are over-written. Like this line on page 26: - Marty is there to take her to the shrink. - How would that be put on the screen? Know what I mean? Or, - Nick, no longer stunned, runs... Here are some notes as I read through. The last action line of page ten, I’m not sure if you need to reference the gruff voice as a prison guard since we do not see him. Some of your action lines are over-written. Like this line on page 26: - Marty is there to take her to the shrink. - How would that be put on the screen? Know what I mean? Or, - Nick, no longer stunned, runs over to help Walczak.- I think would read just as well if it was Nick runs over to help Walczak. When she is speaking with the therapist it seems the conversation is more about her husband than about her child which strikes me as strange since she just witnessed her child being executed. Does she simply not want to talk about it and feels more comfortable speaking about her late husband? If so, you might want to segway the conversation to reflect it. It was an interesting touch to give Nick a child. Adds to Lilly’s inner-conflict. I like how you intertwine everything. Each character has their own purpose to moving the story forward. Overall, I liked it; a good story, with nice storytelling. read
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  Suspenseful and Moving!
  A review of Slip Away
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 07/14/2012
  Your characters are very well developed. Great structure and flow! This read smoothly, and I was on the edge of my seat. I love Lilly's character. When the time arrived to Nick,..that she hesitated because he had a son was nice vulnerability. It was so tragic that she lost Try and Devin. Nice twist that Walczack was such a scumbag.Your narratives were wonderful and drew me... Your characters are very well developed. Great structure and flow! This read smoothly, and I was on the edge of my seat. I love Lilly's character. When the time arrived to Nick,..that she hesitated because he had a son was nice vulnerability. It was so tragic that she lost Try and Devin. Nice twist that Walczack was such a scumbag.Your narratives were wonderful and drew me into the scene. Except for one oddly placed word and two words transposed,..clean, flawless script. I cried at the end when Lilly finds out that she is having a baby,... a girl. I look forward to seeing this movie. Bravo! read