Reviews of Suicide Shift 22

• 
  It's not even my genre, but I loved it.
  A review of Suicide Shift
  by shortofepic on 09/04/2012
  I'm not quite sure why Suicide Shift caught my eye. But once I started, there was absolutely no stopping. I'm not even a fan of suspense/thrillers, but this one sold me. I found myself strangely attached to the characters, and even though I wouldn't call Charlotte an incredibly dynamic character, I thought she had what it took to be the main character. I wanted things to be... I'm not quite sure why Suicide Shift caught my eye. But once I started, there was absolutely no stopping. I'm not even a fan of suspense/thrillers, but this one sold me.
  I found myself strangely attached to the characters, and even though I wouldn't call Charlotte an incredibly dynamic character, I thought she had what it took to be the main character. I wanted things to be resolved. I wanted her to be okay.
  The timing and suspense was just right. I thought things escalated at a good pace. ProfRedSweater brought things to a head and showed the true colors of the story with just the right amount of anticipation, suspense... and dare I say dread from the reader.
  It certainly isn't a comfortable read, but for being an edge of your seat kind of story, it has a good rhythm. The only thing I disliked was the ending. It didn't seem to be resolved enough for me, and maybe that was the author's point, in which case I don't object in the slightest.
  However, personal preference here, an ending that was a little more conclusive, while still giving that final kick, would have made something already great, brilliant. read
• 
  It's a dirty job but someone's gotta do it.
  A review of Suicide Shift
  by BrianSkiles on 03/15/2012
  First impression is a good one. Good format, good language skills and no typos. Off to a good start. You have a good opening hook with Dad's suicide. What a creepy feeling it gave me to read it too. Reminds me of some of the intense, surreal and horrifying dreams I had in the hospital of suicides, but that's for another discussion. :P Right away though I have mass empathy... First impression is a good one. Good format, good language skills and no typos. Off to a good start. You have a good opening hook with Dad's suicide. What a creepy feeling it gave me to read it too. Reminds me of some of the intense, surreal and horrifying dreams I had in the hospital of suicides, but that's for another discussion. :P Right away though I have mass empathy for Charlotte. Certainly hit the mark with characterization there. You're spot on for the genre too. Your suspense is masterful and pays off big when the scary or jumpy bits hit. I like Lily's character too. She reminds me of Abbey from A Dirty Job (Christopher Moore novel. If you've never heard of, run go get his shit).
  
  Your premise is interesting and thought provoking. I also like how you take such a
  serious subject and add elements of comedy that work beautifully for the sake of levity. Well done, sir. Upon introduction to the Pale Lady though I wasn't quite sure what to think. I'm not opposed to ghost stories, per se, but I'm not hugely interested or familiar with them either. I do enjoy though how well you're able to hold my attention through reading. It's one thing, then on to the next and on to the next and creates a good pace.
  
  Your language economy is superb. Your concise descriptions make for a vivid mental
  image and really engage my awareness of your character's experience. It must have been deppressing as hell to research for this though.
  
  Homeless Guy / Pale Lady connection: When he pushes Charlotte down, I thought for
  sure he was gonna try to rape her... but then the preceding bit of dialogue had me
  thinking maybe he had some kind of disability. So... he dies... seemingly at Pale Lady's hand, but is it that or did he just get unlucky and walk out into traffic because of his single minded pursuit of Charlotte?
  
  When Charlotte gets back, she tells Lily about what happened. This to me seems
  unnecessary. Maybe have Lily recount it back to her and/or ask questions instead of
  have Charlotte tell Lily about it. Does that make sense? Four suicides is the deadline? The ghost has a quota? Because Homeless guy could be considered an accident, his shouldn't count though, right? Still wondering about Lily's involvement in all of this. Is she really a dead girl that's come to help Charlotte discover the mystery of the ghost with the red scarf?
  
  Around 75 I'm beginning to wonder if the Pale Lady is advocating for a change in the
  suicide laws and attempting to communicate with Charlotte to serve that purpose.
  Interesting though.... still holding my attention. Can't wait to find out what happens next....
  
  Page 76... Paul's dialogue, top of the page... "He can sue for defacement of character." Wouldn't it be "defamation"? Defacement is more along the lines of mutilation, disfigurement, vandalism, impairment. (sorry... I leave dictionary.com open all day long :) )
  
  Page 77... Keith's dialogue "...without a court ordered warrant" is a bit redundant because you can't get a warrant unless it's from the court. So either "court order" or "warrant" by themselves should suffice. Of course, because it's a character's dialogue, Keith could say anything he wants. It's not like his grammar needs to be college level english.
  
  Fvck YEAH!!! Great suspense when Pale Lady takes out Paul. Awesome! I think we've
  established that Lily's not a ghost too, unless Kieth is one too. That scene with Lily and Charlotte sharing the wet moment in the closet together was hot though. :P A little light homo-erotica is okay every now and again. Helps to build the tension really. Especially a lascivious scene with previously-taboo and newly semi-accepted homosexuality could really vamp up suspense. And let's face it, even heterosexual women and ESPECIALLY heterosexual men want to see two hot girls make out. It's just... art. :)
  
  Why wait to the end to reveal Charlotte's dad's name and call him that from the
  beginning? *shrugs*
  
  Page 100... So Lily is Charlotte's sister? Did Meredith kill Thresa? Why would Gordon kill Meredith though? I'm confused. Please help.
  
  Page 101... Typo... "She's glances around in horror, there's nowhere to run."
  
  Page 102.... It's Keith isn't it?!?! Who Gordon "know(s) to call". I suspected he had something to do with everything from earlier on. That Kieth guy was shady as fvck. With the touching and the smarminess... the guy was a real schmuck.
  
  Overall:
  Fvcking fantastic!!! Aside from a couple of questions (shown above) I loved this script and thought it was great! I know that's not very helpful though, is it? I tried really hard to be as cynical and anal as I could but your story is damn near flawless. A shining example of the genre, IMHO. I would go see this in theaters and buy it on bluray. Certainly one of the best I've read on Triggerstreet, Alex. That ending is creepy as hell too. Lily: the ultimate stalker. You really did well to show her obsession and single minded devotion to Charlotte. Your characterization in general is top notch. You really make your characters leap off the page. I feel like my own craft will be better for reading yours, my friend. Well done. I look forward to getting around to Billy's Balls sometime too. :)
  
  P.S. Did I ever send you Cheesus Crust? If not, let me know and I'll send it over. It's part of Porch Patrol (I'm about 45 pages into that one). read
• 
  Suicide Shift
  A review of Suicide Shift
  by lizzayn on 02/13/2012
  This screenplay is pretty much market ready. It’s well written, it grabs the reader immediately and keeps the pages turning. The characters are rounded and the dialogue is realistic and often funny, which adds a nice bit of levity to such a dark screenplay. The action was well paced and there is great use of suspense. You also do an excellent job of setting up the world... This screenplay is pretty much market ready. It’s well written, it grabs the reader immediately and keeps the pages turning. The characters are rounded and the dialogue is realistic and often funny, which adds a nice bit of levity to such a dark screenplay. The action was well paced and there is great use of suspense. You also do an excellent job of setting up the world the story takes place in.
  
  However, I do feel you might want to reconsider the use of transitions (TIME CUT TO:, FADE TO BLACK: etc.) as they are usually frowned upon in spec scripts and you want to do everything possible to make it past the reader. I would also rethink using so many shot lists. One or two, yes, but you don’t want to rely too heavily on them. I’ve made some specific notes below.
  
  NITPICKY PAGE BY PAGE NOTES
  
  Page 2- I don’t see the need for the time cut transition. If she’s going from her bed to the living room within a few moments it’s unnecessary.
  
  Great job pulling the reader in within the first few pages.
  
  Page 6- “creepy tone to his pleasantries that makes you feel
  he’s probably had to register on a website somewhere.” Great character description.
  
  Page 7- “Bugger was hit by lightning a while back, played havoc with the system.” Wouldn’t it be plays havoc since the system is still affected? (I could be wrong)
  
  Page 9- “6pm to 6am,” always write out numbers in dialogue. Six p.m. to six a.m.
  
  You do a good job of adding little touches to the characters to round them out such as Charlotte doing “padiddle” when she sees the car with one headlight.
  
  Great humor “Middle aged bald men named Charlotte?” I chuckled.
  
  Transitions are usually frowned upon in spec scripts. You mentioned that you’re sending it off this week. Readers look for any excuse to toss a screenplay aside. Cut the transitions just to be on the safe side.
  
  Page 29 “What is it about you SSTs, always bringing your work home.” Nice. Definitely piqued my curiosity.
  
  
  You tend to have quite a few lists of shots. One or two is fine but you seem to rely on them. For example:
  
  -- A broom skates across the hardwood floor. Dirt, shards
  and litter skip into a plastic dustpan.
  Charlotte reaches down into the dustpan and pulls out an
  ornate butterfly hair clasp.
  A kind smile as she rests it on her dresser.
  -- A book slides into its rightful place on the shelf.
  -- Papers are shuffled and stacked.
  
  You can simply say-- Charlotte cleans and straightens the after effects of Mr. Kruger’s visit. Amongst the rubble, she spots an ornate butterfly hair clasp. With a smile, she rests it on the dresser.
  
  Charlotte leans against the kitchen counter as she slurps from a bowl of ramen and surveys the now clean apartment. A couple of bulging trash bags are piled by the bin.
  
  Page 44- “That’s why I have to break in
  carefully.” Haha!
  
  Page 51- “After North Korea bombed Pearl Harbor, he totally bought into the
  panic propaganda” You might want to rethink this line. I get what you’re saying but perhaps you could choose a different location so it doesn’t sound like you’re mixing up North Korea and Japan (which I get that you’re not but it would be easier on a grumpy reader)
  
  Page 55-56 so how did everyone know James killed himself if they had no proof? Did they just assume after he didn’t show up to work or was there a note?
  
  How does Charlotte know James tried everything? She doesn’t look at his notes until page 61.
  
  Page 98- Since he was referred to a Charlotte’s Dad in the first scene and throughout the screenplay, it seems odd that you’d suddenly change it to Gordon Kennedy at the very end. You might want to consider calling him Gordon from the beginning and have Keith refer to him as Gordon and her Dad interchangeably. read
• 
  A Great Concept
  A review of Suicide Shift
  by WAH3 on 11/10/2011
  I thought this was a really good story. Your use of “Time Cut To” initially threw me as I didn’t know if we were talking years, days, or just next scene. On P2, for instance, I’m not sure you even need it. You could just set up the next scene in the Living Room and have Charlotte entering the room. While I like your writing style, there’s a lot of exposition that really... I thought this was a really good story. Your use of “Time Cut To” initially threw me as I didn’t know if we were talking years, days, or just next scene. On P2, for instance, I’m not sure you even need it. You could just set up the next scene in the Living Room and have Charlotte entering the room.
  
  While I like your writing style, there’s a lot of exposition that really can’t be filmed and the “what do we see” aspect that makes a screenplay different from a novel seems to be missing. P10 for instance. “…though a touch of shame’s…” really can’t be filmed. And P12, “This is not “real good stuff”.” Something like “Swallows hard” could be filmed and would get the point across.
  
  On P106 we see Leslie Adams and Miles Draven and are told that they are James Garcia’s charged suicides. Not sure how we would know that as viewers of the film.
  
  The what do we see stuff can easily be fixed and would only help to turn a really good story into a really good screenplay.
  
  Nice job! read
• 
  Not bad...but what is with the -----
  A review of Suicide Shift
  by Travis Wilson on 10/31/2011
  First off, I understand that there is a lot of effort to set the mood. But I don't know if the author has heard different, but I've always heard, don't write what can't be filmed. And there were a few times I was a little concernd about the description, such as: Get your mind out of the gutter. (when Charlette & Lily are laying together.) And the line: Yes VHS. Unless the character's... First off, I understand that there is a lot of effort to set the mood. But I don't know if the author has heard different, but I've always heard, don't write what can't be filmed. And there were a few times I was a little concernd about the description, such as: Get your mind out of the gutter. (when Charlette & Lily are laying together.) And the line: Yes VHS. Unless the character's thinking it, not realy needed. I don't think this was needed. And another thing that drove me crazty is the excessive use of --- & ... Especially at the beginning of a description of action. I think I know why they are there, but they are way over used. There was also a lot of missing question marks. A lot. Story wise, it was an ok script. I was bothered at one point that Charolette was talking about all the crazy things that were happening to her in her sleep, but at the point, only Mr. Krager had killed himself. So, I was a little lost. Character wise: there were some good characters. I liked the Lily character the most. She seemed to have the most energy. Structure wise, the script was good. It had it's beginning, set up, plot developement and ending. For the most part, I was just noticing small errors here and there. While I wasn't blown away by the story, I can see it being like a teen horror. Just a few scares, no real horror, but not god awful either. Good luck with it. read
• 
  Supernatural Suicide
  A review of Suicide Shift
  by latent-28 on 10/30/2011
  Suicide Shift review: A supernatural horror/thriller. The bridge of suicides makes this original. A sympathetic lead character in Charlotte. A brooding ambience, a plot with a build up of tension. The vivid descriptions make for excellent scene setting, but once we get into the dialogue exchanges they sometimes detract e.g. the surveillance room with the line about boy scouts... Suicide Shift review:
  
  A supernatural horror/thriller. The bridge of suicides makes this original. A sympathetic lead character in Charlotte. A brooding ambience, a plot with a build up of tension.
  
  The vivid descriptions make for excellent scene setting, but once we get into the dialogue exchanges they sometimes detract e.g. the surveillance room with the line about boy scouts and knotted cables; and character back stories e.g. boyhood ambitions to be astronauts; also subjective feelings e.g. 'a wave of nausea overtakes her.' This is more suited to story fiction.
  
  Love the irony of the surveillance man killing himself and no one knowing.
  
  Paul's description, 'a simple man with simple tastes' is a bit vague.
  
  'TIME CUT's & MATCH CUT's are unnecessary editing terms.
  
  On page 34, the surveillance room, Charlotte is transfixed by the sight of the ghostly pale lady then moments later she is fast asleep - it is unclear why.
  
  There are a few loose ends at the conclusion (maybe just me):
  
  When James was strangled (by Keith) then surely the marks would show up on his body and strangulation would be the official cause of death, not suicide by drowning.
  
  Conversely, the Boat Captain seems certain that Theresa's cracked skull suggests a murder, but isn't it more likely that he would assume that her skull cracked when she hit the water.
  
  At the end, Lily's ghost has 'pale sunken eyes'. So is she the pale Lady?
  
  
  I may be wrong, but I've heard that some bridges has sensors to detect suicides which gets relayed directly to the police.
  
  
  
  Corrections:
  
  Page 12: unphased - unfazed
  
  Page 29: 'tries to breath(e)'
  
  Page 31: 'snaps closed' - snaps shut
  
  Page 35: 'see(n) anything'
  
  Page 55: 'hands slip(s) off'
  
  Page 72: drug(?) - dragged
  
  Page 91: breath(e)
  
  All the best.
  read
• 
  Working the Suicide Shift...
  A review of Suicide Shift
  by First Ten Pages on 10/27/2011
  Hello! This story brought back a few memories. When I lived in the state of Washington I use to drive over the Aurora bridge to work almost everyday. The Aurora was notorious(I think a fence has been built recently?)for its many suicides. Enough about my story on to yours... Format, structure, characterization, all well done. A few typos that I'm sure you'll find in a rewrite... Hello!
  
  This story brought back a few memories. When I lived in the state of Washington I use to drive over the Aurora bridge to work almost everyday. The Aurora was notorious(I think a fence has been built recently?)for its many suicides. Enough about my story on to yours...
  
  Format, structure, characterization, all well done. A few typos that I'm sure you'll find in a rewrite.
  Page 88 " -- THE PALE LADY CHARGES! A soaring inhuman flight, like she's falling off a bridge, but forward -- " Nice creepy image.
  
  Okay, now onto the nitpicking! Lol.
  
  
  I think you have two themes in your story. One is horror, and the other is terror as in totalitarian. Mayor Flynn says, "... To see someone close to you, a fellow human being in need and to do nothing to the point where they take their own life? The ultimate cry for help." This sounds noble, but how can this be the responsibility of the victim's relations? If this is a somewhat totalitarian state, the terror would be someone close to you commits suicide, and you'd be fined. How does one live in a world like that? Do you report the depressed? What happens to the family member of a drunk driver? I know that's not the main point of your story, but I became curious about Charlotte's world and wanted a little more.
  
  I'd try to get the page count down to a hundred I think it would read faster. I don't think you need a lot of the mundane descriptions such as what Charlotte's eating, reading, her drinking coffee or her facial expressions.
  
  This is just a personal pet peeve... I don't like writer's injections while I'm reading. It takes me right out of the story. It's like somebody standing over my shoulder while I'm reading. It may work for a comedy, but I don't think it plays well for horror. That's just me. Some of it was funny though.
  
  This was well done. Had some creepy moments. I was entertained.
  
  Thank you for submitting Suicide Shift.
  
  
  FTP
  
  
  read
• 
  I ENJOYED WATCHING CHARLOTTE’S WEB UNWEAVE
  A review of Suicide Shift
  by johnnyrussell on 10/03/2011
  After the death of her father, to maintain the living environment Charlotte gets a job from her dead father’s associate. The adventurous journey she goes on is a well crafted tale of suspense, horror and revelation. The vivid narrative descriptions made it easy to envision the scenes. The main characters were unique in the part they played, and well fleshed out. The dilemmas... After the death of her father, to maintain the living environment Charlotte gets a job from her dead father’s associate. The adventurous journey she goes on is a well crafted tale of suspense, horror and revelation.
  
  The vivid narrative descriptions made it easy to envision the scenes. The main characters were unique in the part they played, and well fleshed out. The dilemmas they found themselves in with THE PALE LADY made me care for them and enjoy rooting for the underdog.
  
  The dialog flowed with a contemporary nuance in originality, and there were many cliffhangers which in my humble opinion made SUICIDE SHIFT a real page turner.
  
  By about page 50, I usually guess what the ending might be. The writer superbly throws us a few curves particularly one in the way of character inferences meant to imply that these may not be suicides: “One or two more suicides and who knows, I might even get to arrest you.” This line in my estimation was exquisitely well done.
  
  By the third episode the complete picture was an original concept like nothing I had surmised making it for me truly one of the better screenplays.
  
  Now for the reason we are all here and that is of course to get reviews to make us better. I did note a few items that I want to bring to the writer’s attention.
  
  Because it’s hard for writers to catch them all, I love when readers bring misspelled words to my attention. I saw a couple you may want to fix.
  
  Page 50 you wrote “Peak” I think you wanted, Pique
  Page 60 you wrote “New” I think you wanted, Knew.
  The correct way to do ellipsis is like this: space … ellipsis … space
  
  On page 71 in the narrative description the writer portrays the character of Officer McGinley’s colleague, the uniformed officer as “Young and strapping”, nothing foolish about him. But then McGinley seeks to embarrass him: “And you’re not a pussy are you... (grabs his name tag)Davidson?”
  
  Later in the narrative description, “OFFICER McGinley glares at the Uniformed Officer. The idiot’s messing with his moment of glory.”
  
  There is nothing to indicate his college is an idiot. If I’m “strapping”, we are both the same rank, you embarrass me then grab my name tag … IT’S ON! I mention this because nobody's designated as superior.
  
  The narrative description and the dialog would work better for the characters, UNIFORMED OFFICER and SERGEANT MCGINLEY, as they would not be of the same rank.
  
  The last thing is, and only because they interrupt the narrative flow I have to mention Author Intrusions. I’ve noticed the narrative descriptions are littered with them. The one that sticks out the most is: “get your mind out of that gutter”.
  Spielberg scripts, yes. Spec scripts, you’re taking a chance.
  
  Other than that, I loved it! A great script all the way around. The high rating I give this one is a reflection on the writer‘s creativity. read
• 
  Suicide Shift - review
  A review of Suicide Shift
  by Envy on 10/01/2011
  Well, the concept of this was pretty good - a divided society plagued with a rise in suicides. But there were some details that didn't seem to add up. You may get arrested for if you assist at up to 4 people's suicides but there is a job where you are required to watch people jump off a bridge? That doesn't sound right. And the concept spirals down to a certain type of story... Well, the concept of this was pretty good - a divided society plagued with a rise in suicides.
  
  But there were some details that didn't seem to add up. You may get arrested for if you assist at up to 4 people's suicides but there is a job where you are required to watch people jump off a bridge? That doesn't sound right.
  
  And the concept spirals down to a certain type of story which I'm not very fond of. One of the many glitches I dislike with this formula is "why can't the ghost just tell someone the truth and/or take care off the perpetrator without causing so much useless havoc?".
  
  You also build-up a lot "peculiar hints" which ultimately lead to nowhere. There were times in the script when I'd either a. believe Lily is actually a ghost to begin with b. Theresa's child/Charlotte's half-sister.
  
  There are some typos at pages 61 and 77 I think
  
  All in all a good effort. read
• 
  Suicide Shift - Well Written Prose.
  A review of Suicide Shift
  by skscott2 on 09/09/2011
  Wow, the beginning of this screenplay is just extraordinary. It is written brilliantly and finely tuned narrative. Both the writing and the story line are very impressive for the first fifty pages or so, and then it starts to fade, becoming less impressive and ordinary as it moves to the end. The story kind of bogs down from the moment Lilly tries to kiss Charlotte, and... Wow, the beginning of this screenplay is just extraordinary. It is written brilliantly and finely tuned narrative. Both the writing and the story line are very impressive for the first fifty pages or so, and then it starts to fade, becoming less impressive and ordinary as it moves to the end. The story kind of bogs down from the moment Lilly tries to kiss Charlotte, and wobbles off course, teetering on the brink of ruin several times before the end. The obsessive and odd behavior of Lilly is on display well before the attempted kiss, but after that point it becomes overbearing and unreasonable in the story, sans explanation, or so it seems to me. The problem is Charlotte's reaction to the revealed crazyness just doesn't fit the circumstances, its like, "Ok, she's crazy, but let's just move on with the story, not a whole lot of confrontation or withdrawal from Charlotte. There was some, just not enough.
  
  I absolutely loved finding out about Keith’s involvement in all of this, I did not see that coming and was pleasantly surprised. However, I was real disappointed in not discovering why the pale lady needed Charlotte? What was Charlotte’s role in seeking justice. Why did the pale lady need her, and along the same lines, why her as opposed to anyone else? I can guess at these things, but I’d like to see it in the lines of the screenplay.
  
  There is just some marvelous writing going on here with some real potential in the storyline, but sparkle fades into just so-so by the end. I would love to see the rewrite on this one, so please send it my way when you finish it.
  
  Here are my notes as I read the script:
  
  Page 1: OK, I’m hooked. Excellent prose. I’ve never been drawn in by the flow of words so early in a screenplay. I wait with eager anticipation for page 2. Will script hold up all the way to the last page? One can only hope. But this one starts with promise.
  
  Great description of the area surrounding the SUICIDE SURVEILLANCE STATION
  
  Page 51: “A faint atonal WARBLE echoes outside. It’s like a melody,
  but less organic.” Great line.
  
  Page 60: “I guess I just got to a point where I thought there was nothing good left in this world... But the bridge new better.” Should be knew better.
  
  Page 115: Ok, so if the pale lady had the power to show the past to Charlotte, why didn’t she do so before? And if she had the power to overcome and kill Keith, why didn’t she do so before? It seems the pale lady has powers that come and go without explanation, whenever it is convenient to the story. read