A musical prodigy turned punk rocker is haunted by the Ghost of Mozart. He's anxious to finish his masterwork so... more
HOW IT RATES
A cowgirl loses her sight in a terrible accident. She regains her will to live with the help of her best friend and her horse.
Other Submissions by bthielke
Members Who Like This Submission Also Like...
In order to prove his worth to his father, and to himself, 14- year-old Jonah faces off against a fearsome adversary... more
Formerly "Something in the Way". Please see production notes. Thanks for reading.
Please see production notes. Thanks for reading.
Reviews of Sweetheart of the Rodeo 45
by gypsyprose on 06/23/2011For the most part I enjoyed your story. I loved your character, Brooks. She was no nonsense and you kept it real. You accomplished something - impressing me, since I am a former rodeo cowgirl and made a living selling and training barrel horses for over twenty years. Now for the constructive criticism... I think you should show the emotional impact on Brooks when she learns... For the most part I enjoyed your story. I loved your character, Brooks. She was no nonsense and you kept it real. You accomplished something - impressing me, since I am a former rodeo cowgirl and made a living selling and training barrel horses for over twenty years. Now for the constructive criticism... I think you should show the emotional impact on Brooks when she learns she may remain blind. It would make for a very moving scene and make us really FEEL IT! Lacey and Earl getting back together was way to over the top for me. Hope it helps, Great job! Happy Trails... read
by Larry Baird on 06/04/2011A nice Disney type story. Not much happens in the first twenty pages. I am not sure I buy the whole concept. I am all for disabled rights but the blind still have major obstacle to overcome. She may know the routine but she is blind, she would have no way to orient herself. Still a good story. Page 2 AMY You’re so lame that when they look you up in a dictionary there’s a picture... A nice Disney type story. Not much happens in the first twenty pages. I am not sure I buy the whole concept. I am all for disabled rights but the blind still have major obstacle to overcome. She may know the routine but she is blind, she would have no way to orient herself. Still a good story.
You’re so lame that when they look
you up in a dictionary there’s a
picture of you.
I think you meant to say
“You’re so lame that when they look
up the word lame in the dictionary there’s a
picture of you”
You have a lot of instances in your stage direction (some call it action) where you editorialize. Stage directions should be directions for the director and actors to get a sense of the set and the scene. I don’t think you should include anything that the director cannot put on film. An example:
Page 2: Brooks looks at her like she’s from Mars. Hmm, might explain things.
The looks at her like she is from mars is a good instruction for both your director and your actors, but the Hmm, might explain things is not a direction. It is not possible for the director to include this in his film.
Page 53 Taken aback by this rare burst of emotion from her Dad, Brooks nods her head. Not a sarcastic comment in sight.
How do you film the “Not a sarcastic comment in sight.”
Page 54 All bundled up, Brooks picks her way through the snow. It’s not easy to feel your way along in this stuff.
How do you film this comment? Anyway you get the point. Keep your directions short and to the point. The less unnecessary words you use the more room for important detail. read
by Magnet360 on 05/15/2011The script had nice pacing and was an easy read. I thought the whole story was solid, but had a little problem with Act One. The First Fifteen Pages: Very efficient and easy reading. Nice and crisp action/ description lines. All the characters are clearly introduced. I like the Antagonist Amy and that she is at Brook’s new High School. Nice open with the horse competition... The script had nice pacing and was an easy read.
I thought the whole story was solid, but had a little problem with Act One.
The First Fifteen Pages:
Very efficient and easy reading. Nice and crisp action/ description lines. All the characters are clearly introduced. I like the Antagonist Amy and that she is at Brook’s new High School. Nice open with the horse competition.
Some of the jokes and dialogue are a little flat. Are High School girls referencing Brad Pitt? should it be something that more reflects their age group?
Conflict and set-up is done well. We have a horse competition, Mom hits the bottle, and Amy is a bully. Hopefully, we can get some good drama.
This "world" is really interesting to me, I wish the script would explain it better. I thought they were Show Jumping? Like in the English Hunters outfits when they jump over high rails with their horse. Then I realized I had no idea what a “Precision Drill Team” does? What is the competition, what are they doing, how do you compete? What are the goals and how do you win. Is there a way to insert an explanation of this world?
There is a lot of back-and-forth early on with Amy the bully. But, I think we can introduce her in one scene and then really get to work on other things in the first ten pages. I would like more explanation of the world of “Precision Drill Team”. I want to root for Brook, but what am I rooting for? How does she win, what are the goals of the games?
OK. I stand corrected. The script nicely begins to explain it around page 20. Good stuff.
I think the script has too much going on in the beginning, but it's a little repetitive. It’s “Kramer versus Kramer”, “New girl at High School” and also a “Sports movie”. I wish it would just be “Soul Surfer”. The drunk mom and the divorce with the Earl is a tad melodramatic and movie-of-the weekish. I like the sports move aspect best. That’s just my opinion.
P. 31 When Brooks takes the bandages off, this is a great time for some nice drama. The scene is rushed and the adults and the doctor go out to the hallway rather quickly.
I also don’t like that Brook (our protagonist) was not conscious for a couple of pages. This is her story, I think the script should focus on her perspective.
P. 33 Great scenes with JoJo.
P. 101 I don’t believe Mandy hating Brook. She will never be a threat again and now she is like a circus freak with all the media. Brook is essentially out of the competition with Amy. Mandy still can’t hate on her; can she? This seemed a bit overboard to me.
P. 2 When they look up you (lame) in the dictionary. Not clear?
P. 6 It’s one of them Alan Jackson Fords. LOL. Very funny.
P. 76 JoJo, my seeing eye person. LOL. Nice line.
The idea is simple and direct. All the characters are set-up nicely and the plot points come at a nice clip.
P. 75 - 84. I wasn’t a big fan of the petition sequences. I like the physical obstacles of riding and being blind; I think that put Brook more in peril and was more dramatic.
P. 85 - 95. Also the court case -- meh. I think you have a great script here that gets taken down a couple of notches from scenes like this. I would prefer more “Soul Surfer” physical obstacle stuff, or an internal flaw overcome.
This is a huge change, but maybe you can change her injury. Make her partially blind, or blind in one eye. I want her to be able to competitively ride at the end. I think “Seabiscuit” had a jockey with bad vision. How good can Brook ride at the end, she’s blind?
P. 108 Some lines insinuate that Brook and JoJo LOOK at each other. Is that possible? Also, JoJo kind of fights the final battle at the end and not the protagonist Brook.
By page 26 I’m really rooting for this script. I don’t want to be the guy, telling you how to write your script, but I’ll just throw out some general thoughts.
Scenes like the one on P.26 where Lacey comes home and hits the bottle of bourbon are slowing down the story. I would suggest eliminating the sub-plots with her drinking and the “Kramer versus Kramer” aspect with Earl. Let’s keep the focal point Brook. She has more than enough conflict to generate a whole script.
I know it’s a pain that everyone wants things sped up and to happen quicker these days. But...Can the major accident with Brook happen around page 12 and be the inciting Incident that changes everything. Now it seems like it’s closer to the break into two. Her recovery in the hospital and her realization about what has happened can connect the inciting incident to the second Act.
Then Act two can be Brook returning home and trying to live the way she always lived but now everything is different with no sight. Then the mid-point twist can be her acceptance of her changed world and she then begins acting and learning how to adapt in her new world with a new method -- and not living like her old self.
I really loved Soul Surfer and thought it was a great movie. But, I also had a problem with the shark attack happening a bit late, and some of the sub-plots were forced -- I thought.
Sweetheart of the Rodeo is definitely on the caliber of that script, with the advantage of looking at Soul Surfer and capitalizing on the aspects that didn’t work and removing them from your script.
For example: the great obstacles you have on page 37 when Brooks returns home. The simple tasks of her past are now very difficult and she even stumps her toe. This kind of drama is great and stays with the premise and the protagonist. Maybe cut ten pages and get to this stuff earlier as she enters Act Two. This is a clear shift in worlds. I have a bias toward structure, try to weigh in on all the T.S. reviews and see if these responses and suggestions are being repeated.
This is a great script, but I feel Act One is a little clunky and slow “out of the gate” (Pun Intended).
Great script with tons of memorable scenes and characters. Brook at the hospital, the School for the blind; returning to, and getting on, Bingo after the accident -- are all memorable scenes.
Brook, JoJo and Amy are all great and memorable characters as well. Good stuff.
P. 46 Brook can’t see the tear run down Lacey’s cheek when she calls her an alkie. Clever visual, it stayed with me after I read it.
The script really starts to work around page 35. Everything seems to fall together. I think this script would be great if you re-worked Act One. You’ve written so many scripts, posted on T.S., I don’t see a rewrite a big deal for you.
Lacey, Earl, and Mandy didn’t works so much early on, although they had their moments later in the script -- I didn’t feel they really popped. I’m not quite sure what’s missing from the opening. I wish I could help more.
The ending? I guess it’s possible that Brook can ride. I just don’t know. Is this realistic?
Soul Surfer, Seabiscuit, The Black Stallion.
P. 4 An (A) bomber of malt liquor. Am I reading that right?
P. 20 I -- Bingo and Bingo? Did you mean: Brooks and Bingo? Maybe give them names that don’t say so alike.
Just my opinion for what it’s worth. Good luck with your script and best of luck with the shark. read
by Kristy Sumner on 05/10/2011I enjoyed your screenplay and actually think it works better than Ice Castles, as that movie (at least the original version) wasn't family enough for the family crowd, or racy enough for the non-family group. It couldn't decide what it wanted to be, imo. Your screenplay knows its audience and delivers. It acknowledges that bad things happen and that good people can behave... I enjoyed your screenplay and actually think it works better than Ice Castles, as that movie (at least the original version) wasn't family enough for the family crowd, or racy enough for the non-family group. It couldn't decide what it wanted to be, imo. Your screenplay knows its audience and delivers. It acknowledges that bad things happen and that good people can behave badly (Mack and Lacey)and serves up the family friendly message that all will be well in the end.
You will probably take some flack for the conflict working itself out too neatly, but that's what happens in these sorts of feel-good films so that aspect of your screenplay didn't bother me.
I did want to see a bit more human behavior from a few of the characters however. Lacey and Earl need to work out some of their issues a little earlier, it seems to me. I think Earl would have a harder time forgiving Lacey for allowing Brooks to ride without a helmet. And Lacey would have a harder time forgiving herself. I understand that she expresses her guilt through her alcoholism and that the amount she drinks is a reflection of how much guilt she feels at the time, but for me, there wasn't quite enough of a sense of what made her give up the guilt and get sober. I realize she does it for Brooks, but I just didn't have a sense of what gave her the strength to do it when she did it. If she didn't find the strength when Brooks was first blinded, then what changed inside that finally gave her the strength?
I am assuming that she hit rock bottom after being drunk at the corral, but I didn't have enough of a sense of why she went one way instead of the other--why her guilt didn't just take over and make her binge even worse. What took her out of her usual pattern? (Not externally, but internally?)
I thought you did a nice job of hinting that Earl still had feelings for Lacey, so their reunification wasn't unexpected. It was, however, largely unexplained. I realize that this is Brooks' story, not theirs, but I needed just a little more sense that they had worked things out--on an emotional level, if nothing else--before I could embrace the idea that this was indeed a happy ending and people were going to change for the better permanently.
I thought you did a good job with Brooks. She is an endearing and scrappy heroine. Jojo was a bit of a stock character--the loyal friend--but she doesn't seem out of place in a family flick. And Amy was the typical antagonist. I liked that you had her cry when Brooks was first injured. She wouldn't have been believable if she had no remorse.
All in all, I think you have a solid family movie here and that all it needs is a bit of tweaking here and there to make it great. Good luck with it.
(And if Family Flicks is still up and running, this is the sort of thing they love to produce.)
by mlambush on 05/04/2011Been a long time since I've read one of your stories, Bob. I have to say with all honesty that this one was probably my favorite. It read quickly, the actions lines were the right length with right amount of attitude, the dialog was really good and there were characters I actually cared about. I am not kidding when I say that I had an emotional moment when Brooks prevailed... Been a long time since I've read one of your stories, Bob. I have to say with all honesty that this one was probably my favorite. It read quickly, the actions lines were the right length with right amount of attitude, the dialog was really good and there were characters I actually cared about. I am not kidding when I say that I had an emotional moment when Brooks prevailed in court -- you did an excellent job setting all that up. And if it reads that well on the page, it will be even better on film.
I don't really have much to offer, so here are what few page notes I had while I read.
p. 6 - EXT. TRUCK? Should probably be EXT. INTERSECTION. The Truck is in the intersection
p. 16 -- Not Padwan warrior. "Padawan learner". The kids know their Star Wars, dude.
p. 25 -- "hearinag" -- hearing
p. 28 -- Scene starting at the bottom of the page, just doesn't feel needed. My one real structure note is that Act I is just a bit too long, and we don't really hit Act II until p. 33 or so. You can probably condense some more in the setup portion of the script.
p. 31 -- When Lacey says "But it's possible?" I think the Doctor should just respond with a look -- he was just testing Brooks' sight on the previous page and now he already has a diagnosis? I think just a look of regret will tell us what we need to know
p. 33 -- I was just thinking it might be nice to make JoJo a quirkier character. You have so many good ones in this script but she could be better
p. 59 -- Period right after the "?"
p. 79 -- JOJO says "JoJo can ride as good as ever..." you mean Brooks, right?
p. 84 -- RE: Earl's speech, I never got that Brooks was all that different. She was the same wisecracking girl she was before she went blind. Earl is the only other character beside JoJo that I think could use some touching up. He seems less well defined than Lacey, Brooks or some of the others.
p. 87 -- BROOKS: "That act gives..." should probably be "That act says...."
p. 90 -- AMY: "My mom, said...." no comma after mom
p. 94 -- The Judge is a great character
p. 96 -- The song is just "I Fought The Law"
p. 96 -- "Father, daughter" should be "father-daughter privilege"
p. 98 -- EXT. ARENA - NIGHT -- I thought the judge set the tryout for 2PM (p. 95)
p. 105 -- Does Amy give up anything but not winning? A scholarship? Money? I'm not sure what's at stake for her other than her mom wants her to win. Maybe we should see her room full of trophies at some point. Or maybe her mom was a sweetheart herself who didnt win. Just a little more.....
p. 107 -- I think you need to show something in your montage proving that JoJo really was the better rider.
Great job, Bob. I see a SOM in your future. read
by jblack741 on 05/03/2011General comments: First I'd like to say that this was a very inspirational story and a pleasure to read. I almost lost hope though because it took so long for things to take off. It is not until page 20 that things become interesting and some sort of action should take place by page 10 at the latest to keep the viewer interesting in the story. Overall however I felt the... General comments:
First I'd like to say that this was a very inspirational story and a pleasure to read. I almost lost hope though because it took so long for things to take off. It is not until page 20 that things become interesting and some sort of action should take place by page 10 at the latest to keep the viewer interesting in the story. Overall however I felt the the script was well written and showed very good character description and depth.
Some points to consider would be to clean up your slug-lines, check your spelling and punctuation, consider adding or revising the first 10-12 pages to show a growing conflict between Amy and Brooks that keeps the reader drawn to their struggle for top spot and lead into Brooks' accident.
An bomber of malt liqour falls to the ground.
Not familiar with the term “bomber’. Why not just say ‘a can of malt liquor falls to the ground”
EXT. HIGH SCHOOL - DAY
The beater pickup pulls into the drop off lane amongst all
the yuppie SUVs and pickups.
Consider revising this, its an awkward read.
I- Bingo and Bingo turns a perfect circle, reverses field
and turns a perfect circle the other way.
I’ve read many scripts with Montages in them and this is the first time I’ve seen them labeled in this manner. Not saying its wrong just different. Also check your characters here!
Lacey nods her understanding.
Lacy nodding is understood here.
Earl, Lacey, and the Doctor file out into the hallway and
close the door behind them.
You’ve already slugged the HALLWAY, no need to repeat that they are stepping in the hallway again.
It’s true, Mr. Anderson. JoJo can
ride as good as ever and you won’t
even give her a chance.
I think you mean Brooks here…
Thank you for the opportunity to read/review your work.
by djslik on 05/01/2011What’s not to like about your SP. It a lighthearted and inspirational story about overcoming life’s obstacles and our own shortcomings as a result. I was writing this review I realize that It will be irrelevant as you already have a new draft and you would have addressed some of my questions and opinions but nonetheless. In my opinion everything is wrapped up a little too... What’s not to like about your SP. It a lighthearted and inspirational story about overcoming life’s obstacles and our own shortcomings as a result. I was writing this review I realize that It will be irrelevant as you already have a new draft and you would have addressed some of my questions and opinions but nonetheless.
In my opinion everything is wrapped up a little too nicely in a little bow. I could tell from midway what was going to happen and how this was going to end including Lacey and Earl getting back together. Not to say it’s a bad thing though because that is your goal with the story and this is only my opinion.
Normally parents wrap themselves over the head when their decisions cause their children harm. Lacey allowing Brooks not wear her helmet is a direct result of her blindness coupled with Amy nudging her horse. She does at the hospital on pg 25 and then with Earl on Pg 69. She doesn’t make it a big deal and doesn’t seem guilty about it. She seems okay with at least she masks it well.
Pg 49. Brooks being the determined girl that she is, I found it hard to believe that she would just lie there in the corral. Plus Lacey mentions she’ll be home around 3 a.m. and its freezing. She could have felt her way to the fence without the use of her cane and made her way back to the home way before Lacey got home. Apologies on the nitpicking but Lacey is drunk and its freezing. She passes out in the Corral, Hypothermia is a major concern in these conditions especially for drunk people. Once again sorry for nitpicking. Also Brooks is not that upset with Lacey for coming home drunk. I would have had Lacey sick as a dog, can’t go to work, Earl finds out what happened and he’s upset tells Lacey to clean up her act for herself and for her daughter sake. She realizes the fault of her drinking from then on. I know she starts to clean up her act in a montage but it needs to be a bigger deal rather than get a little scene in a montage. She needs to tell Brooks that she’s going to start cleaning up her act and they can have their moment.
pg 103. Personally I would have preferred Early and lacey to state that they are going to start getting back together but they going to do it step by step as is a slowly. They just jump into kissing passionately, I know they are overjoyed with their daughter’s achievement but they also have to consider their own feelings. I think if you’re going to get them back together we need to know why they got divorced in the first place. Was it Lacey’s drinking? You build up to it with them spending time together as a family but they don’t really talk about themselves or even have private moments where they discuss what they are feeling and how they have hurt one another in the process.
Pg 96. It’s a little too convenient that Ascot offers Brooks a laptop if she can guess the singer of the song ... and it has voice software.
Pg. I like the introduction of the antagonist in Brooke and protagonist in Amy already.
Pg 3. Interesting description of Lacey.
Pg 16. Padwan is actually spelt padawan.
Pg 20. I - Bingo and Bingo. Should be Brooks and Bingo.
Brooks is a great character. In fact you have assembled a great cast here. Lacey the drunken mom seems to be the only one with a flaw and Earl’s the perfect fatherly figure who comes through for his family. Jojo, who wouldn’t want a friend like Jojo, I’m still looking. Amy and her mom the stereotypical hater and Mandy gets her Karma from her own daughter. Bingo, who can forget Bingo, I’ve read that horses can be very therapeutic for people especially those with disabilities.
The country dialogue is spot on, couldn’t find a single thing out of place. I wasn’t sure what precision drilling was as I am not familiar with the rodeo and looked it up on the net. I learnt something new. Brook's dialogue is charming and fitting for a teen. I like her quips.
Structure is fantastic, everything happens on beat. You got some precision drilling right there. I enjoyed your screenplay and it was fun, well paced and quick read for 109 pages. Well done. I hope there won’t be a dry eye (excuse the pun) in a theatre near you. It was refreshing to read a screenplay with good formatting as so little typos. Best of luck and thanks for the read. read
by Shorn on 04/22/2011If I remember correctly, this screenplay has been reviewed a lot and has rated high. Deservedly so. I can easily picture this on the family channel. In fact, I couldn't picture anybody but Billy Ray Cyrus as Earl. When it comes to dialog, this was country done right. I had a hard time when Mack became the antagonist because I liked him and he wasn't a bad man. I don't even... If I remember correctly, this screenplay has been reviewed a lot and has rated high. Deservedly so. I can easily picture this on the family channel. In fact, I couldn't picture anybody but Billy Ray Cyrus as Earl. When it comes to dialog, this was country done right. I had a hard time when Mack became the antagonist because I liked him and he wasn't a bad man. I don't even know what else to write, it's just a dang good piece of work.
I hope I can at least help with the loose notes I took. Thank you for letting me read your story.
2. "Hmm, might explain things" is talking to the reader.
2. I think significant visuals are in CAPS, like the SPOTLIGHTS. But please ignore if you know otherwise.
3. What is a double-wide?
4. A bomber
7. binky, blankie, baba is pure gold
9. Disney sort of way (is descriptive, but another production house might not like the reference)
14. The description can simply read "Earl looks at a photo of a ..." Instead of adding INSERT
16. bleachers reads
21. Often you write Mom and Dad instead of mom and dad.
23. placed on
29. That bourbon's not sitting too well. (talking to the reader instead of desc).
37. INSERT unnecessary
53. Not a sarcastic comment in sight (talking to audience)
56. Brooks' shoulder (twice)
58. where adults of various
58. the crack about pop music breaking the truck is funny
59. Couldn't find a definition for "wend" to suit your meaning. Maybe it's correct.
65. At the end of a Montage or Series of Shots I think you have to write Back To Scene.
66. "Most likely hotdogs or Mac" can't be in desc, maybe put it in dialog.
70. frenetic used twice close together
73. pen and as (delete and or as)
79. Love the store manager.
88. Never one to back down from... (talking to audience)
89. kids walk into school is boring. We know what kids going into a school looks like, can you think of a more descriptive verb?
91. cotton to threats? (maybe that's an expression I'm not familiar with)
92. client's sympathy
94. bangs her gavel
95. Brooks' shoulder
96. Ha ha, love the ring tone for the lawyer
96. Paid up
97. Brooks' hand
103. I really think Brooks should have an appropriate daughter's reaction to her parents getting back together.
I hope I caught some things that others may not have. Again, fantastic movie of the week. read
by kennystjohn on 04/21/2011Robert, My daughter rides English, therefore I was excited about reading your screenplay. I enjoyed it's wholesomeness and wit. I need to say this, there is no way anyone would allow a minor to ride without her helmet, but because this is necessary to set up the story, I understand the reasoning. I picked up on a few typos: 1) Pg 11. Plural Amy. 2) Pg 20. You typed Bingo... Robert,
My daughter rides English, therefore I was excited about reading your screenplay. I enjoyed it's wholesomeness and wit. I need to say this, there is no way anyone would allow a minor to ride without her helmet, but because this is necessary to set up the story, I understand the reasoning. I picked up on a few typos:
1) Pg 11. Plural Amy.
2) Pg 20. You typed Bingo and Bingo in lieu of Brooks and Bingo.
3) Pg 25. Misspelled hearing.
4) Pg 45. "Brooks looks out the window" Brooks is blind, she may face the window, but she's not looking anywhere. This is done a few other times throughout the screenplay.
5) Pg 57. Period needed after hospital.
6) Pg 79. Change Jojo to Brooks.
7) Pg 94. Jojo makes a comment, Earls response is to Brooks.
8) Pg 109. The Character saying "I wish I could see this is JOJO. It should be Brooks.
My eyes actually watered up a couple of times during my reading. I think your story was done very well, although you need to work on the structure. Montages do not need to be lettered. I love Brooks sarcasm throughout the story. I also appreciated the music trivia. Alot of great points in your screenplay. Is there anyway we can see Mandy die in a horrible manner, maybe catching on fire with no way of being extinguished. You did a fantastic job of describing your characters. I wish you luck with your screenplay.
by srhite on 04/09/2011The screenplay gives me flashbacks to Ice Castles with Robby Benson & Lynne Halsey Taylor (or whatever her name is). Hollywood did rehash ICE CASTLES a year or two ago, so that definitely could affect the marketability of your script. It seems like you’re going more for the youth audience with this one. If so, then I’d agree with how you handle the conflict and story.... The screenplay gives me flashbacks to Ice Castles with Robby Benson & Lynne Halsey Taylor (or whatever her name is). Hollywood did rehash ICE CASTLES a year or two ago, so that definitely could affect the marketability of your script.
It seems like you’re going more for the youth audience with this one. If so, then I’d agree with how you handle the conflict and story.
At some point it might be better if Brooks regains some of her sight. As long as she just sees shapes and shadows.
I would have Earl coax Brooks to get back onto the horse or possibly Lacey. Maybe Lacey was a former rodeo rider in the past too. I’d have Lacey as a former rodeo rider who got pregnant and had to get married. Having Brooks and getting to married to Earl ruined her dream, so she eventually turned to the bottle.
Overall I liked it and feel it accomplishes exactly what you want for the concept, audience and genre.
Here are my usual notes:
Page 1: “Is that okay with you, Amy?” might be better as “If that’s okay with you, Amy?”
Page 1: You might want to mention the curtain earlier too and possibly if Brooks & Amy are the first pair in the two rows.
Page 4: “An bomber of malt liquor”?? It’s been too many years since I’ve done malt liquor to know what a bomber is.
Page 5: Not too sure about “On a waitress salary.” How about “On what you make in tips at the restaurant”? “salary” just doesn’t fit.
Page 7: Isn’t a “binky” the same as a “blankie”?
Page 7: “stands outside the cab pokes her head” might be better as “stands outside the cab and pokes her head”
Page 8: “those ones about” might be better as “those rumors about”
Page 8: “baby sitting” is one word: babysitting
Page 9: “let trailer trash like you in here” might be better as “let trailer trash like you in my school”.
Page 9: “think you’re so smart” might be better as “think you’re so dang smart”
Page 9: “Great to see you too” might be better as “Wonderful seeing you too”
Page 9: Why no age for JOJO?
Page 10: “suppose you want to trade your pizza away(?)” needs a question mark. I’d drop “away” too.
Page 11: “Wow, two times in” might be better as “Wow, twice in”
Page 11: “head in the toilet” might be better as “head in a toilet”
Page 20: Should “Bingo and Bingo” actually be “Brooks and Bingo”?
Page 29: “Lacey don’t look” should be “Lacey doesn’t look”
Page 36: Lacey isn’t using enough terms of endearment with Brooks like “sweetie, honey, etc.” It might help to show that she’s trying a bit too hard.
Page 37: It might be good to have a bit of dialogue as Brooks talks to herself and expresses her frustration.
Page 38: “the best one win” might be better as “the best rider win”
Page 40: “door an slams” should be “door and slams”
Page 49: I’m not really buying that Brooks lays in the corral for hours just because she can’t find her cane. She would simply feel her way to the fence and climb over it or follow the fence to a gate.
Page 56: “Brooks shoulder” should be “Brooks’ shoulder”
Page 60: Why does Jojo say “decorate our locker”? Is that supposed to be “decorate your locker”?
Page 62: I don’t understand what Brooks means by “I can’t imagine she eats this stuff.”
Page 62: You’re using too many “I got”, “You got”, etc. You’ve got to add the contraction for have (‘ve) for some of those to avoid awkward dialogue. Some of your characters might speak like that, but not Brooks. “I got a huge” should be “I’ve got a huge”
Page 62: “no cripple jokes” might be better as “no blind jokes”
Page 63: Why have Amy (the antagonist) be ambivalent about her past actions? She needs to be enjoying the fruits of her success. She’s the new princess of the rodeo and 100% enjoying the attention. She’s a card carrying Republican with a Hummer and a Glenn Beck lunchbox.
Page 66: Some of the horse maneuvering stuff is tough for me to visualize. I’m sure it would come off a lot better on the screen.
Page 67: Lacey should not say that she gives her “blessings”. She should simply say that Brooks needs to ask her father. She blew it the last time by allowing Brooks not to wear her helmet. This time, she has to defer to the father in order not to repeat her mistake.
Page 68: If you’re getting Earl and Lacey back together, I’m really not liking it. I’d really rather have Earl moving on with his life and possibly remarried.
Page 69: There’s the got thing again. Earl would most likely say “We’ve got”.
Page 72: Why would Brooks be concerned with Amy if she comes back? If she is concerned, you probably have to set-up Amy’s viciousness after Brooks is blind.
Page 72: “Well, that sucks.” might be better as “Oh…”
Page 78: Mack would probably have been told about the petition and might be showing up to talk to the girls.
Page 79: “Jojo can ride as good” should be “Brooks can ride as good”
Page 81: “I got to” would be better as “I’ve got to”
Page 85: I’m not too sure what the $5,000 is going toward at this point. Is it insurance? Maybe Mack has to be definite about what it would take to let her ride if it is insurance.
Page 85: No way do you need to mention “The Hills” or any other TV program.
Page 104: I’d rather see Amy get defeated and have to play second fiddle to Brooks.
Page 105: “stomach ache” is one word: stomachache read
- Writer: Bob Thielke
- Uploaded by: bthielke
- Length: 109 pages
- Genre: children/family, drama
- This version is not radically different than the version before. A little more facetime for the antagonists and a little cleanup of a few plot points. If you read this, I hope you enjoy it, and thank you for your comments!!
- Bio: I AM SOMEONE!! Writer of THE VIRGINIAN a 2013 adaptation of the 1905 Owen Wister novel of the same name. This version stars Ron Perlman, Trace Adkins, and Victoria Pratt. 2012, 2009 Nicholl's Quarterfinalist with Principles of Buoyancy and 2009-2010 Bluecat Quarterfinalist with Czechmate (co-written with the awesome David Muhlfelder).
Members Who Like This Submission Also Like...
In order to prove his worth to his father, and to himself, 14- year-old Jonah faces off against a fearsome adversary... more
Formerly "Something in the Way". Please see production notes. Thanks for reading.
Please see production notes. Thanks for reading.
Copyright © 2001-2013 Trigger Street Labs. All Rights Reserved.