Reviews of The African Dream 5

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  The African Dream
  A review of The African Dream
  by RafaelSouza on 10/18/2007
  I skipped to page 5, where the screenplay really begins. And it begins very nicely, although there are some things that really bother, like the conversation between the helicopter and the base telling us exactly what the narrator already said. Overall, it sets the mood and hooks us for more. An entire village vanished? This ought to be good. Unfortunately, the screenplay falls... I skipped to page 5, where the screenplay really begins. And it begins very nicely, although there are some things that really bother, like the conversation between the helicopter and the base telling us exactly what the narrator already said. Overall, it sets the mood and hooks us for more. An entire village vanished? This ought to be good.
  Unfortunately, the screenplay falls from there. Reading it becomes a chore. Hardly anything happens, and the writing is so detailed that... well... read this piece: "The outstretched arm belongs to a driver sitting in a dark sedan in front of a large iron gate leading to a sizable estate beyond a ten-foot wall." I just needed a break after that. Gimme some punctuation! Make it quicker. And forget the “Notes”. Just tell the story in a compelling way. Also, finish the screenplay: page 84 has some “insert function”.
  And, most of all, have a story to tell. I know this is the first of a trilogy, but something HAS to happen, besides character introduction. It NEEDS a beginning, a middle and an end. We have what seems to be a conspiracy, and, meanwhile, what I believe is the hero, Alex, falls in love with a girl, and he loses her and she disappears from the screenplay. Oh, about their first date... I don't know how things are where you came from, but here, if you played “statue” and just made the girl wait for more than 10 minutes you wouldn't get her into bed in the next scene. Hell, you would NEVER get her into bed.
  Anyway, the problem is that we keep being introduced to many characters that do practically nothing. And the main character starts and ends the screenplay without knowing he is the “target of a frantic manhunt”. It's almost comical.
  This needs a major rewrite. Forget the trilogy. Try to work this screenplay to become a movie. And then let some loose ends to the sequels – which will give us more insight of the story. You can give some hints and foreshadowing, but don't base your entire screenplay on them. Put your main character in danger, make him do things, make him experience drama beyond the “Hey, me and this girl in the pool, it's not what you think”. You may have a great trilogy in hands if you work it out. Good luck! Keep on writing. read
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  African Dream Review
  A review of The African Dream
  by RickP1101 on 10/04/2007
  Clearly you have a love of writing, seem passionate about this story and have a good idea in your mind’s eye how events would play out on screen. Unfortunately, all of those admirable traits may be hindering you when it comes to this screenplay. In a word, this script is “overwritten”. Make no mistake, you’ve got a story here. And I think it could be a good one. A disappearing... Clearly you have a love of writing, seem passionate about this story and have a good idea in your mind’s eye how events would play out on screen. Unfortunately, all of those admirable traits may be hindering you when it comes to this screenplay.
  
  In a word, this script is “overwritten”.
  
  Make no mistake, you’ve got a story here. And I think it could be a good one. A disappearing village, a ghostly vision, an unsuspecting hero who may hold to key to it all, and some bad guys who want him captured. To me that’s a solid opening premise for a thriller. But it seems that you’re trying to accomplish too much.
  
  You've set out to tell an interesting story. But, somewhere along the way, you're also serving as director, film editor, lighting director, special effects guy, sound man, set director, costume director, etc. Descriptions include everything from eye color, to hair color, to breast size, to camera positions, to how much sweat is glistening off the bodies of incidental characters. As a result, your unique story is getting lost in the thousands of details.
  
  I understand from your notes that this was originally written as a novel that you are now adapting for screen. It’s an ambitious project and I give you kudos. But my advice would be to take a step back and look at this story -- not as a novelist -- but as a screenwriter. Many people describe a screenplay as a “blueprint”. That's what we need. Give us the foundation for the movie. All of the other stuff (the colors of the sunset, the sounds of the gurgling water, the timbre of the voices, the styles of the clothing, etc.) will be decided by someone else anyway. So why bog down the script with it? (Obviously, if it's critical to story, you need to tell us, but otherwise, get out your axe and start chopping.)
  
  It’s hard to comment on the story itself, because what you’ve written is essentially the first act. We meet the protagonist, see him in his normal daily life, and witness an inciting incident that is going to catapult our hero into a new and dangerous world. It’s everything you’d want in a first act. But it took 110 pages, instead of the typical 25 or so pages.
  
  This is just my opinion (for what it’s worth), but I would suggest taking your the story as laid out in your outline, and write the whole thing. You’ve got a beginning, middle and end. It’s a solid concept. So run with it. But try and accomplish the entire script in 90 to 120 pages. Of course, it will mean some major cutting. You’ll most certainly have to sacrifice or combine numerous characters. And anything that doesn’t propel the story forward will have to go. But I think it could make for an entertaining, tight and worthwhile script.
  
  If your goal is to get someone to seriously consider your script, you’ll need to adhere to the traditional three act structure, trim to an acceptable length, format it properly and present a compelling story. Anything else is just giving someone a chance to say “no” to your project.
  
  If you don’t already have it, I would highly suggest getting your hands on David Trottier’s “Screenwriter's Bible”. It clearly lays out standard screenplay guidelines.
  
  Again, I applaud your ambition. So keep writing. But, if you can re-focus your efforts into weaving a leaner, meaner story, you may just find yourself with a real winner. Thanks for sharing your screenplay. I wish you the best of luck! read
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  Form Before Function
  A review of The African Dream
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 10/03/2007
  I must begin by saying that I give you a lot of credit for taking on a project of this magnitude. I think you started out with a focused idea that went terribly awry. This script is hard to follow and for a few reasons. Starting with the formating. I think its necassary for you to purchase a book specifically pertaining to formating. It is hard to read when the script is like... I must begin by saying that I give you a lot of credit for taking on a project of this magnitude. I think you started out with a focused idea that went terribly awry. This script is hard to follow and for a few reasons. Starting with the formating. I think its necassary for you to purchase a book specifically pertaining to formating. It is hard to read when the script is like this. Too much direction a lot of this stuff should be left for the director and some of this for the actors to interpret. In the direction there should not be it "it seems as though it was love at first sight". Do not underline scene headings. The continued at the bottom of the pages is unnecassary. The dialogue needs to be more direct if you can say soemthing in 5 words dont use 25. Dont explain what a montage is in a screenplay whatever your trying to portray has already been done you just have to find the proper term for it. Spelling errors-momtage.
  As far as the story its very original but you got to focus it down to something more paletable for an audience this way they can understand what your trying to get across. You must make a decision whether you want this to be a serious film or a more light hearted adventure. You must get the formating down before you can begin any of this. So I suggest truly working on getting this down. I wish you the best of luck and you can definetly do it just start from page one and revise, and revise and than revise again...and you'll know when your finally there. keep going its a worth while story to work on. read
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  Better Suited For a Novel
  A review of The African Dream
  by TMcClellan on 12/04/2006
  First I'll start by saying you are a good writer. However; I feel this was more suited to be a novel. You say a lot of descriptive words (i.e. pg 17 It looks like some is moving into the house.) As watching the movie we can see this. No need to tell this in the script. Also, you use capitals very liberal. They are everywhere, even words than don't need to be capitalized... First I'll start by saying you are a good writer. However; I feel this was more suited to be a novel. You say a lot of descriptive words (i.e. pg 17 It looks like some is moving into the house.) As watching the movie we can see this. No need to tell this in the script.
  
  Also, you use capitals very liberal. They are everywhere, even words than don't need to be capitalized. (i.e. She has expressive,(comma?) dark eyes, faint freckles on her nose, and rather SMALL BREASTS.)
  
  The dialog was decent in parts, but needs work in others. Mainly the structure. Keep the sentences to 3-4 lines MAX. Too many times you expand them a lot longer. And avoid the repeats. You say the same thing over and over a lot. (i.e. After Mr. Pratt's sister died, there's no other relatives. Alexander is the only one. He is the only child) I think we established he was the only child with the first sentence. Don't think we need the second one let alone the third. Underlining words in the dialog confused me. Get rid of those.
  
  I wrote a few notes from spelling or grammar mistakes I noticed.
  
  pg 38 Montage
  48 Excellently Matthew, excellently
  49 It's too fucking freezing out here. Jimmy do u have any decent coffee for us here.
  57 the man pours "a" water . a needs to be gone.
  66-68 too many repeats. sounds forced. one or two is good but there are several.
  68 thanks for your help. Grazie. Grazie mille. maybe should change to "thanks for your help, Grazie Mille" no need for the double grazie.
  72 ALEX HAS "A" LONG HAIR AND A GOATEE
  95 basket ball is one word.
  95 artickle should be article
  
  There were a lot more, but those were a few that stood out to me.
  
  I can tell you are very talented as a writer. You just need to focus on working on writing screenplays and learn the craft a little better.
  
  As for the story. I liked how u introduced the story and the mysteriousness of the Albino and the Senator and the Order. But the sex scene with the simultaneous moaning and Christian Justice chants was a little creepy for me. Maybe that's what you were going for. If that's the case it did it's job. I thought the initial meeting of Alex and Lisa was pretty strange considering he's never met her before and he dresses up as a New York peddler with silver makeup on? What a way to make a first impression.
  
  It's hard to rate a script of this size because nothing really got resolved. The main character is still in limbo and nothing was learned. I feel this story would be better as a novel, but with some trimming off the fat, you might be able to restructure it into a finished script.
  
  Good Luck. read
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  The African Dream
  A review of The African Dream
  by JSteedla on 12/02/2006
  The African Dream: notes by page #: pages 1-5: what is all this stuff? get rid of it. - sluglines are not underlined - limit the time elements to either DAY or NIGHT - never refer to yourself or the reader in your narrative by using the words "we, us, our or you" - don't fully cap sounds or objects or sound fx - lose the (CONTINUED)'s from the bottoms and tops of pages... The African Dream:
  
  notes by page #:
  
  pages 1-5: what is all this stuff? get rid of it.
  
  - sluglines are not underlined
  
  - limit the time elements to either DAY or NIGHT
  
  - never refer to yourself or the reader in your narrative by using the words "we, us, our or you"
  
  - don't fully cap sounds or objects or sound fx
  
  - lose the (CONTINUED)'s from the bottoms and tops of pages
  
  - don't use directorial or editorial directions, like SPLIT SCREEN or PULL BACK. you're the writer, not the director or editor.
  
  7: the Team Leader would also be a (V.O.) before we move to INT. HELICOPTER
  
  8: the VOICE should be a (V.O.). You need to learn the correct usage of (V.O.) and (O.S.)
  
  9: don't use (end of V.O.)
  
  - avoid using words that end in ING in your narrative
  
  11: you're not using parentheticals correctly, learn correct formatting
  
  - don't underline words in dialogue.
  
  17: when we first meet a character you have to fully cap their name, like Samantha
  
  20: don't have huge blocks of dialogue. Limit dialogue to 4 lines long, max. If you must go longer, try to break it up into smaller blocks.
  
  20: you need a mini slug noting that we have left the hallway and entered the lab room.
  
  37: careful of unfilmables, things that you can write and a reader can read, but are impossible to recreate on film, such as:
  
  As she enters the corridor on her way to her room, she glances resentfully upwards (where, we might suspect, Alex’s room is).
  
  How do you show on film what someone might suspect?
  
  Throughout: there are a lot of typos and misspellings and errors. Please proofread your work.
  
  Okay, I'm gonna end my page by page notes on format/style/technique here. Why? Because it is VERY clear that you need to learn, study and master the following:
  
  1) correct screenplay formatting
  
  2) good screenwriting style and technique, (what makes a script a script, and not a novel, and what techniques of writing are correct for a screenplay)
  
  As it stands, the script is odd hybrid of screenplay, novel, and something else. Your grasp of screenplay formatting is very weak, and your knowledge of how to write a screenplay, and the type/style of writing that a screenplay demands, is non-existant. There are so many mistakes and problems with these areas that I simply cannot point them all out. And this is not my opinion: correct formatting and correct technique are generally accepted rules and guidelines. Either you do it right or you do it wrong, it's not all that subjective.
  
  The good news: this is all stuff that you can easily learn from some good books on formatting and craft. I strongly suggest that you get these books and study and learn these things BEFORE you write.
  
  Story notes:
  
  I'm not sure how to put this, as I want to and try to be constructive, but I'm also the type to be blunt, honest and to the point (I'm a New Yorker). Let me apologize now if this comes out as too harsh:
  
  When it comes to writing a screenplay, and writing a story, you have no idea what you're doing.
  
  Ouch! Yeah, I know. Grim reality is: Every page of this script is proof of that. From the formatting to the story to dialogue, to character, everything... you do countless things in this script/story that no screenwriter would normally ever do, and every reader would freak out if they had to read. All this script does now is show that you don't know what you're doing. The opposite of what you want.
  
  I'm so sorry. I wish I could find a "pretty" way to say it. I know having your hard work and vision stepped on by others hurts. So what's the good news?
  
  You can still LEARN. I never said you couldn't write a script, I'm saying that you haven't learned yet. So what you should do now is go and learn what you're doing before you do it. Stop writing and take some time to learn the craft. THEN go back to writing. Good luck! read